[Coach Spyce]

Hi Erin,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

I’m just going to dive right in here….
You asked, What am I doing wrong?

The answer is simple: You are ignoring what this man is telling you and trying to create a different situation based on what you want. I know it sucks, but when someone shows you who they are, or more specifically, tells you exactly what they want, you have to believe them.

Most men are going to be happy enough to sleep with you, but if he’s saying that he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s probably very true.

It sounds like he like a strong and independent woman, so what you can do right now is focus on being that and see what comes of it.

If you’re not happy being a “friends with benefits” and want a true relationship, you have to tell him that’s what you want, and then you have to set a boundary and stick to it.

The boundary would have to be, “I’m not going to sleep with you anymore because I want a relationship and you don’t, and sleeping with you is just confusing the situation and causing me pain”.

Do you think that you can do that?

He will either say ok, and that’s that. Or if he does really care and is just dealing with his own demons, he might be inspired to make some changes. But either way, you’ll have more clarity, which is what you really want in the situation if I’m reading this correctly.

Let me know how it goes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you’re being pulled every which way by your emotions and this other person and I can understand why it can be confusing.

It sounds like you’re new to online dating so I just want to tell you a few things.

1. You are NOT obligated to anyone. You do not have to text, sext, videochat, snapchat, talk, or even respond to anyone. EVER. If you feel uncomfortable, move on. Delete him, block him, move on. Which brings me to my next point.

2. There are MILLIONS of guys online and MANY of them will want to connect and sext with you. The important thing is for you to do ONLY exactly what you want to do, nothing more.

This situation you’re in is very commonplace where a guy tries to convince a girl that she should do something that she doesn’t want to do, usually involving sex. It’s coercion and it’s not far from rape actually. That may sound harsh, but if you were in person with him, who’s to know what he would do?

I understand that you’re looking for fun and adventure, and that’s normal and you should have that! But if what you’re looking for is FUN, then why do something where you’re not really having fun, and instead you’re feeling pushed into something?

Also, there is NO WAY that this is ever going to be a relationship. This guy is only after sex. If that’s not what you want, then you need to drop him like a hot potato.

Delete him, block him, and hope that he didn’t take screenshots while you were video chatting!But please don’t feel bad about yourself, You did nothing wrong. But when someone tells you from the beginning what they are looking for, believe them! It’s almost always exactly what they are going to give.

Let me know what you think!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Becky!!!!

Hi!!! So glad to hear from you, and thanks so much for sending that update! I’ve wondered what had happened, and from everything you had told us about your connection, there was no way that I thought this thing would be said and done just like that.
I’m so happy to hear that we were right, lol!

I know that some people don’t like ultimatums or think that you shouldn’t give them in relationships, but I often think that it’s all that will work. And to be fair, it’s not as much of an ultimatum as someone stating to another what they will and won’t accept, and then letting the cards fall where they may. Asserting your boundaries and then seeing if the other person can and will accept them is really what’s at the basis of healthy relating, and I’m glad to see that it worked out for you, AND for him!

For him to be able to see what life would be like without you, and to really feel the loss of you in his life, was really all that he needed to step up to the plate. That is SO awesome and I think this story gives hope to so many of the other women out there who are struggling with this kind of thing. Not being happy with what’s going on, but afraid that if they disrupt the status quo that the man will leave and never come back. But this just proves that when you take the difficult but strong steps towards being true to yourself, a real man who loves you will do everything in his power to prove to YOU that he is worthy of your love. Talk about activating the hero instinct!

I’m so glad to hear that he is working on the things that were getting in the way of your relationship thriving, and I truly believe that the two of you have an amazing foundation to grow from. This struggle made you closer, and now you know that you can get through the bumps in the road together, which is what having a committed relationship is all about, right?
You had all of the major elements before, except for the fear that he was going to run away when the going got tough. Not because of you, but because of him. Now that he’s recognizing that and being open about his fears and his struggles, and he’s committing to working through them to ensure that the two of you can live a happy life together, there’s nothing that can stop you now!

I love this story, I really do. I love where you started, and all that you’ve been through in your lives to come together now to live out your golden years together. You have a beautiful love story, and I love that we get to witness it!

Please continue to keep us posted. I’m so happy for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tea,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum!

Would you mind copying and pasting to your own thread? It makes it easier for all of us.

Thank you, and I’ll look out for you on another thread.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the forum! You sounds like a really great person! Very supportive, caring, and understanding. This person is really blessed to have someone like you in his life, and it doesn’t sound like he recognizes that at all. Before we go into anything, I just want to let you know that my goal here is to help YOU become happy and healthy in your relationship life. Whatever I recommend is always with that goal in mind.

I have to say there is a LOT to digest here, but in all honesty, it’s a story old as time. And if you want me to give it to you straight, I absolutely can.

Now we can sit here and analyze him all day long if you want, but that’s the problem. Everything is all about him. I see so much going on here with his obvious Oedipal complex, and how he connects with women that he sees as mentors and unattainable. You becoming very attainable and there for him made him lose all the interest he once had. The fact that his parents love you doesn’t help either. He doesn’t want to do what’s good for him and what he should do, he wants to do what’s risky and exciting.
He’s a spoiled rich kid who is used to doing whatever he wants and having no real consequences. He’s a classic case.

When someone is a mess and has family who will keep bailing them out, and will love and support them no matter what, they lose respect and appreciation for those people. Sorry to say, but you are now in the same category. Someone who loves him who will do anything to help him, even at their own expense. He knows that and so he doesn’t really need to try because he doesn’t think he will ever lose you. You are so desperate to be with him, and to get him “help” that you will let yourself be disrespected on multiple levels, time and again, and you will keep coming back. He knows that, and so why should he try to do anything different? He has no respect for you, and so you need to have respect for yourself and make the decisions that will be best for you.I don’t see anything here that’s going to get you the love that you want.

Which brings me to my question. What is it that you want? And what do you get from him? Are they one and the same? Are they at all similar? Is what he is giving you worth the pain that it’s causing you to get it?
You talk about potential and the man that you love, but nowhere in this whole story have I glimpsed anything related to that.
So if that’s really there, you’re going to have tell me more. At this point, I’m just not seeing what’s in in for you.

Hope this helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this painful situation. It’s starting to sound to me like this partner of yours has a lot of his own issues that he’s not dealing with, and he’s taking out his anger and frustration on you.
It sounds like he’s not happy with many things, and he’s blaming the relationship with you for his unhappiness. That’s not fair.

It sounds like things got messy when you began to do business together and that can happen. But it also sounds like he’s been having issues in his business before, and that maybe it was easy to then shift the blame of what was happening to you. Once again, not fair.

This is causing you to examine everything in the relationship and try to see where you could have done things differently in order to have different results and I’d like to encourage you to not go down that road. You did and said what you were feeling in the moment, and what you thought was best. There’s nothing wrong with that.
For you to try to come up with ways that you can change in order to get him back is a really dangerous situation. Because in reality, did you do anything wrong? What do you feel like you did that was anything that you regret and that you should have done differently?
What is it exactly that you have changed or feel like you need to change?

You’ve said that maybe if you didn’t push him to answer, he never would have split with you, but I don’t think that’s a healthy statement either. If he wasn’t happy in the relationship he would have come to that conclusion anyway. And would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, or is going to blame you for his negative emotions?

These are some things to think about. You sound like a really nice person and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for just being yourself.

Let me know how you’re feeling!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through these issues! It sounds like your partner has a lot of mistrust, that stems from many years of past trauma. And while that has nothing to do with you, it’s still going to affect you. it’s great that he is working on it, when he does, but it’s not fair for you to have the bear the brunt of his trauma when he doesn’t want to deal with it, and makes you the problem.

For someone to get mad about you posting an ad online just dhows that they are very triggered and have many trust issues. This is not your fault.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by stepping away and not getting caught up in his paranoia. To try to convince him of your “innocence” is only making him more mistrustful. You know that you did nothing wrong, and that he is overreacting. Since you said that he usually comes to realize what he is doing when he is able to have time away, give him that time to be away, and let him come back to you when he’s ready.
I know you mentioned that you’ve known him awhile, but the committed relationships is new, correct? There’s still a lot to learn about each other and how you react in stressful situations. Maybe his way is to run away? Or to overwhelmed and say that he can’t do it anymore? It can feel like that to someone in the moment, but I’m sure that once he has the opportunity to think about it more, he will make a better decision.

In the meantime, what can you do for yourself to make you feel better and more resourced? Do you have some supportive friends and/or family? Try not to focus too much on having him be your end-all, be all. If you have anything worth fighting for, he will realize his mistakes and he will return, apologetic. I truly believe that this will be the case…

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this heartache. It’s so devastating to have someone who you love and are building a life with turn on you, and it sounds like so much of this came as a shock and surprise.
You were happily together discussing family and children, and it sounds like perhaps something with the business got in the way. Am I understanding that correctly?

Do you think at this point that there’s something left to rekindle? Do you think there is someone else? I’m still a little uncertain as to what made things go from so hot to so cold so quickly…is there any other details that you’re leaving out?

It does sound like there is a lot of shame and you are putting yourself through the wringer, asking what you did wrong, and blaming yourself for the situation. But it doesn’t sound like you did that much wrong…that’s why I’m wondering where it went wrong…

Do you have any more thoughts on where this all came from?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

I just wanted to check back in with you as I know that my last message was not the response that you were hoping for…

I have to tell you that I do understand, even from a personal perspective. I had a relationship with a man where I felt that deep, twin flame connection. I felt like he was my everything and the one I has spent my life looking for. He pulled me in and then pushed me away, time and time again. It felt amazing and awful, all at the same time.
Luckily, I realized before too long that he was very broken, and that he wasn’t ever going to be able to live up to the idea I had in my head of him. Because that’s the thing, so much of our connection was based on who I was making him out to be, not who he was actually presenting himself as.

And that’s what I see here as well. What is this man presenting? How is he actually behaving?

I learned then and there that I never wanted to be with someone who I had to convince to be with me. I am strong, assertive, and can be very convincing. But if you can’t see what I offer and not only desperately want that but are going to fight any and all of your own demons to be with me, then you are not the strong man I want by my side, and you do not deserve me.

So why does this man deserve you if he’s not willing to fight for you? If you have to convince him?

Anyway, even if we never speak again, I hope that you are able to be truly and deeply loved by a man who is going to give you his all. Someone who is going to cherish and adore you, push aside anything to be with you, and truly be your knight in shining armor. That’s what you deserve. Nothing less.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

So I think that we were writing on another thread, is that correct? If that is the case, then I know more about your situation through those other emails, and so that would inform how I respond here.

But if you are in fact a different Kristina, then I would respond differently! So please confirm with me so that way we can move forward from this in a more cohesive way.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, it can be difficult when you’re “on the road” or not in the same place for long periods of time. I think sometimes men have an easier time with that, but when you’re looking for a long term relationship and one person isn’t around, it can become challenging. I feel for you!
I hope that you can be at home for awhile soon…

That’s an interesting idea to go on some fake dates! What’s the name of the male coach in SF who does that? I know a lot of people in those communities and maybe I know him. It sure could be something interesting to get some feedback on…

There are some facebook groups perhaps where you could meet people. It seems strange that the matchmaking service in Calgary would be so adamant about that, especially since so many people have been inside on zoom anyway. There must be another way…

But to be fair, I always feel like it’s not about where, it’s about you and if you’re ready. And like you said, are you doing something that is either turning people off, or that’s not attracting the right person for you? Focusing on the self is usually the best plan IMO. After all, you can’t change anyone but yourself! But there, you do have power…so that’s one way to look at it!

xoxo

[Coach Spyce]

Thanks for sharing more! By the time you get to over 35, most of us have some aspects of our past that we may be ashamed over. That does not have to be a dealbreaker, as long as the person is taking responsibility for their past, and working on the issues. Of course none of this is easy though, and it’s normal to get triggered and when that arises to revert back to past habits. As long as he’s staying clean, that’s an obvious good thing, but of course there’s more to it than that, especially if he is now in a relationship with someone who wants to be there for him and with him.

It sounds like you have potential for happiness and a sustainable relationship with this man, as long as he is also willing to do the work. If he’s in therapy and working on his issues for reasons outside you and the relationship, that’s healthy and good and will be helpful in the long run.

So what is it that you feel like you are struggling with in the situation? What can we help you determine, or figure out?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

What about special interest groups? Or more in person singles groups? At least at those places you know that men are going there specifically to meet someone, and so they are available…

But you’ve mentioned a few times that the men aren’t interested in you, and that maybe you are coming off differently than you are. How do you think that is? Can you tell me more about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It’s no problem, we all have complicated situations! That’s the purpose of this forum!

You are doing really well taking care of yourself, and like I’ve said, I think that you’ve done a good job from the beginning with all of this. You are a strong, mature woman, and I’m sure that you will be able to find a partner who can match you, and bring to the table all that you bring as well.

Unfortunately it sounds like even though this guy has his life together in some ways, when it comes to intimate relationships, he is still rather immature. A man worth his weight would try to have a conversation, not just ignore you. But he also sounds like he never had enough bandwidth for the relationship in general, and that was one of major the issues.

I think it’s great that you are not waiting around for him to make any changes or steer the course of the situation, and I respect that you’re saying that you’re ready to move forward.

So the question is, what is your plan? Tell me more about how you’re going to move forward!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Sorry for the delayed response. I am pretty busy, so it’s difficult for me to respond with the quickness that Heidi does. I know that the 2 of you have bonded, so likely best for you to chat with her! But I did want to just say the occasional hello 🙂

It is difficult when you take care of yourself because that’s what you’re used to having to do, and letting go of that isn’t easy. Trusting that someone else can do anywhere near the job that you can is a feart, and it can take a lot of time to get to the place with someone where you can believe that. And then finding the person who will and can offer that is not an easy task as well, so I feel you on that!

Where do you meet men? You seem to have a good handle on what you want, and so perhaps going to places where the men that you like hang out would be a good start. Of course with covid this hasn’t been easy, but hopefully the tides are turning…

Anyway, I’m sure that you’ve already discussed all of this with Heidi, so I just want you to know that I’m rooting for you as well!

Best wishes,
Spyce

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