[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I’m glad to hear that this conversation is helping! It can really be difficult to not internalize this kind of thing, and to make it that it must be something wrong with you. That is almost never the case! It seems pretty clear here tha he’s dealing with something and it’s likely good that you are taking a step back.

To be fair, you’ve only been dating a few months, and while it sounds like you did get close, it was a quick closeness, and it really does take some time to get to know someone deeply. So this could be a good opportunity to really get to know each other without the confusion of intimacy involved. However, as a human it’s not wrong to want that, and of course because you’ve had that already, it’s natural to keep that dynamic in mind as an end goal for where you want to end up.

That being said, the whole waiting game is not a fun one, and you really need to decide how you feel in the situation. Are you able to enjoy spending time with him just as friends? How does he act with you? When you say that it’s the same without the intimacy, is there any affection at all? Does he treat you like a girlfriend except for having sex? Or does he treat you as a pal and more like a therapist?

Unfortunately that’s the dynamic that people can get into when the guy says that he just wants to be friends. So he doesn’t want to give what a true partner would, but he wants to get from you what you would give to a partner, and that’s what’s not fair.

I’m curious, how did you meet? What was the idea and expectation from that point going in? Did he present as being ready and open for a relationship upon first meeting?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mandie,

Thanks for sharing more! It can be really difficult to not become reactive when you’re a passionate person in a relationship with a similarly passionate person. Unless you are really careful and have done loads of work, it’s nearly impossible to not feel triggered when someone is unkind to you, and to take the high road and not respond in kind. As I’ve said before, don’t beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you both have some growth and healing to do.

But the good thing is that you’re working on things. That’s so great that you’re going through therapy, and please don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for your past, or for getting help in the present! The fact that you recognize the patterns that you have and are seeking help is HUGE! Anyone who would try to make you feel bad or shameful for that is literally just an awful person. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that.

It is too bad that Guy is dealing with fear, but it’s actually a really good sign. Some people spend their entire lives paralyzed by fear and never step out of it to do the things they really want in life, and to have the love and deep connections that they yearn for. Him being willing to go to therapy and face his fears shows that he’s willing to fight for his own happiness. That’s a great first step because if he’s willing to fight for himself, he’s potentially on his way to fighting for you.

You’re saying that he was doing so in the past, and it’s been more recently since his family popped back in AND after the two of you went at it that things have changed, yes? Do you think that perhaps because of what was said between you and the “break up” that he feels like you are not totally in anymore?

Tell me more about the breakup and the subsequent weeks. You say that once we cooled down over a couple weeks we were all normal. Except for one thing we were broken up.
What does “normal” mean? How did you go back to interacting with each other? And was anything discussed? It can be really difficult to just go back to “normal” if there are still many things left unsaid. It sounds like the things that were said were pretty hurtful and he might be harboring anxiety and fear, and like you said, feels like he will be stuck in something negative. Having clearing conversations are so important in these situations and it sounds like you never really had a chance to get clarity, you just glossed over all of the hurtful things that were said. But they are still lingering in the background, and until they are dealt with, you’re not going to be able to have the real partnership that you once did.

Right now it seems to me that your main obstacle is getting back to a place of wholeness with each other where you feel like you are on the same team, with the same goals of connection.

Do you think that’s accurate?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Yes I know that you know all of these things, and you are moving through it all with such grace! Maybe it doesn’t always feel that way, but just know that from at least where I stand, you are doing great!
Everything that you’re dealing with is tough! It’s really difficult to let go and trust, surrender as I mentioned, but you are doing it! So that’s definitely something to feel good about.

I’d love to hear more about how you’re working on yourself if you’d like to share more. I agree that the attachment work is so powerful, and I’m glad to hear that you’re exploring that. It can be such a huge eye opener to recognize these patterns that we’ve incorporated into our lives, and then have to UNlearn them! What a journey! But oh so rewarding when we can look at a situation and see how differently we’ve responded, how much better we feel, and how far we’ve come. I know that you are already seeing much fruits of that labor, and even these past few months have been really eye opening for you. I’m so happy for you!

I hope that all of your loved ones, your sweet animals, are healthy. I wish you nothing but joy moving forward. I understand if you decide to move on from the forum, it’s a part of letting go on my part too! But so you know, if you like I can ask for your email so we can check in on each other occasionally. I’ve done that with a few of my favorite members!

Talk soon,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nathalie,

Welcome to the forum and please excuse the delay in response! With the holidays I think that your first message got lost in the shuffle. But here we are now!

I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s mental health issues and how it is negatively affecting your relationship. It’s so sad when someone wants the love that is being offered to them but have a hard time accepting it because of their own trauma. I see so many women who are in relationships with guys who are jerks, immature and emotionally abusive, unavailable for a variety of other reasons, and telling them to cut if off with those kind of men is my pleasure, but a situation like yours where both parties are obviously suffering is truly heartbreaking.

The good news though is that your boyfriend is aware of his issues and is making strides to get help so as not to lose you or end the relationship. That thought that he had to break up so as not to subject you to his struggles is a normal response for men specifically as they like to be the caretakers, and it breaks them when they feel like they have to ask you to constantly be the strong one in the situation.

I’m sorry to say but often the first three months of a relationship are not the reality of what someone is like. During this “honeymoon” phase, the participants are putting their best foot forward and often are holding back and/or denying parts of themselves in order to “hook” the other party. Once that person is reeled in, you can relax and start to let out the true parts of who you are and the reality of what you’re struggling with.

It does sound like you really believe in the relationship though and you’d like to see where things go. The honest and transparent communication style that he has is a wonderful quality, and if he is loving and kind, that may be something to stick around and see how things play out. I also want to point out that while it might feel like he’s not as into you or doesn’t love you anymore, I don’t think that’s the case based on what you’re telling us. Due to his mental health stuff he may not feel resourced to show his emotions to you in the same way, but it sounds like him reaching out and keeping you updated on his emotional status is his way to show that he cares.

That being said though, I do want you to remember that your feelings are valid, and that you are not under any obligation to stay with him if you are not happy and don’t see it getting any better. Yes he may be getting help, but there is no guarantee that it will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Whatever it is, you have to have a situation that feels nurturing for you as well. No matter what he is going trough, your needs need to also be met in the situation. Have you had a conversation with him about what you need from this relationship? You can ask for that, and still be supporting to him as well. But in order for this to work, it can’t only be about him because he’s depressed. You need to be fulfilled as well.

Do you see a way to talk about this?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

How are you? How did games night go? Good for you on making the effort to get people together! It may not be instantaneous but I’m sure something will happen. I know this can be a tough time of year for everyone as some people are just inundated with responsibilities while others are inundated with sadness around not being inundated with responsibilities so it’s tough all around! The grass is always greener…
But maybe if you make it a weekly hing, people will pop in here and there and you will eventually meet a good slew of your neighbors.
Sounds invigorating either way to have a whole new crew of people to connect with for activities and outings. That’s so exciting and worth the extra rent in my opinion!

Hope things open up for Trav soon. The holidays are a really difficult time to get things going as it’s not usually a time when people hire, and most everyone puts off everything until after the New Year. That’s why January is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s when you can get all of the things that have been being thrown to the wayside for the last 6+ weeks finally done! So hopefully a new year will bring new opportunities for him as well. I understand that depression can be rough and keep people down, but hopefully he can see how things can change at any moment, and you never know what’s around the corner.

Your work is always overwhelming, but at least it keeps you busy, right? But even so, this time of year is just not the time to start anything…good time to finish stuff so hopefully you’re getting through some piles over there 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

So I think the question is, how will you get comfortable with someone enough to know if you want to have sex with them if you’re not getting past texting into real life interaction?
I understand that you don’t want to randomly or casually date and neither Heidi nor I are suggesting that, but what we are both pointing to is your lack of experience with any kind of romantic connection with men. Going out on dates to just get some real world experience talking to and interacting with a man that you might have some chemistry with will give you important intel that you can use in order to understand how to relate in a healthy and adult relationship.

It’s not the lack of experience I see here as a problem. It’s your unwillingness to try something different than the idea that you have of how things are supposed to go. Obviously whatever you’ve been doing so far isn’t really working, so maybe taking the advice of 2 seasoned coaches could be a good way to go.

Now as mentioned, I’m not saying to just date guys looking for a hookup. But I am saying to go out on dates so you can learn how to decipher who the guys are who are looking for a hookup, and who are genuine. Learn how to communicate with men who you may have interest in. Also so much is evident in how your profile is written, and learning how to read between the lines in their profile is a good skill as well. I used to teach online dating classes and getting good a seeing red flags in profiles alone will save you much time and heartache.

I just want to encourage you to do something new, try something different. Maybe that could turn some things around for you?

Let’s keep discussing it and figure out a plan that you’re comfortable executing!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mandie,

First off, don’t blame yourself too much. There is so much going on here with multiple players that all sound a bit unhinged, and I can imagine that emotions are running high all around.

It sounds like you are a rather assertive person, and that’s a great thing, but you are taking responsibility for way more than your share in many aspects of your life and your relationships. By buying into this idea that you are hooking the guy and then when things fall apart it’s specifically because of something that you did, or didn’t do, you are making yourself responsible for everything that’s going on, and leaving the guys in the situation blameless, which I’m sure they are not.

It takes two to make a thing go right or wrong, and every man and woman has to be able to account for their actions. With this guy, or any of the previous ones, I’m sure that there were issues that made things go south. It couldn’t have always just been based on something that you said or did wrong.

Let’s focus on your current situation though for a minute here. You say that he’s “worried he will be stuck”. Can you elaborate more on that? Did he tell you this? Was it in reference to something specific? Is it based on what’s happening with his mom?

You say that you think that he is open to reconciliation, which is good if that’s truly what you want. The only reason I say that is because once again, I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the man that you’re willing to fight for. Is he the man that you want to have by your side when he going gets tough because life comes at you fast, and you need to have someone who has your back and will be there for you, through thick and thin. So before you tell me what your intentions are, I want you to answer this question…is he willing to fight for you?

As I said, it shouldn’t have to be an either/or thing but that’s the dynamic that’s currently created in his family. If it’s going to get broken, HE has to be the one to break it, it’s not up to you. He has to be willing to stand up to his family and say, “I love this woman, she is my partner, and I’m not going to choose between you.”
Do you think that he can and will do this?

If he’s willing, you can hold his hand and support him throughout the entire process and I would give you my full blessing. But if he can’t, and won’t, you really need to come to terms with the fact that you’re willing to fight for someone who is not willing to do the same.

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello sweet Cynthia,

How are you? How have you been? How was your holiday? I hope you’ve had a relaxing last couple of days; full of laughter, friendship, and the beautiful tastes and smells of a life well lived!

I apologize for being a bit out of touch. My husband and I went on a mini-vacation that while it was nice, wasn’t as relaxing as it could have been as I just knew that i had so much to come back to. It’s also difficult with covid. We were supposed to visit with some friends but we weren’t able to make the situation work to accommodate everyone’s needs so we had to cancel. This whole virus has really changed life as we know it, and not for the better, despite our highest hopes in the beginning.
But either way, I’m endlessly grateful for this life, despite its hardships!

There was something I was thinking about when reading your e4mail, and that’s what an old friend said to me many years ago. I was about 20 years old and while I had already started on my journey with honing my relationship and communication skills I was obviously still at the beginning. He said something about how the way you start off a relationship will always inform the relationship as it progresses. Over the years I’ve seen this happen in many ways, and I do think that without a very intentional focus on this kind of dynamic, it is rather true. Of course people can evolve and in some relationships, that very evolution is the focus, and in those cases, I would say that this hypothesis may not be totally accurate. However, in many situations, where one just “falls in love”, and doesn’t really actively make a choice on how they are going to behave in the relationship, this can be very true.

It also reminds me of the idea that we inform people how to treat us, based on how we allow ourselves to be treated, and what we are willing to stand for, or settle for rather. What will make us say this is too much of a compromise for me to give in order to get love, attention, sex, what have you. Where is our limit? Everyone has one before it gets too much…

Anyway, I know that we’ve talked about that limit before, but I want to speak more to the other points because I feel like there’s still this idea that Brian is actually someone who from all I’ve heard, I just don’t think he is. I still feel like you’ve made this assumption that because he is A, B, occasionally C, maybe everyone in a while D, that someday when he’s less stressed, in a better place, less worried, misses you more, isn’t concerned about his family, etc, etc, he’s going to suddenly become this person who will be all the time what you’ve seen him be on the rare occasion, and not with any consistency.
I know you want to wait for him, and I’m happy to be by your side while you do, I just don’t see a healed man at the end of the tunnel.

When you mentioned about how he got this cancer scare early in to the relaionship and so immediately this became all about him, I’m getting the feeling that that’s Brian. And if it wasn’t that it would have been something else that he needed help with. And you’re Cynthia. So you would have been ready to be there to support him along the way because that’s you, what you do.

At a certain point in life we have to remind ourselves that we are not the first women to try and love these men. When they are in their 20’s its maybe fine, in their 30s, well you’re pushing it…40’s and beyond…they are more than grown men who have to do the work.
Sure we can believe that he was this amazing man whose callous and uncaring wife just left him in the dust when he got cancer, but I’m sure we both know that’s a highly unlikely story. She is the mother of his children, who are also women who seemingly are trying to put him back together too, and I’m sure that she loved many things about him, as do you. He sounds loveable, that’s not the issue. He can inspire love in other people, but can he accept it, and can he give it back? Of course he’s not “in love” with you. Because that would require him truly giving of himself, and I don’t think he really wants to do that.

There’s part of him that seems really harried, like everyone wants a piece of him, or that’s how love makes him feel. Maybe his family and other people in his life have been very high maintenance, but once again…we inform people how we want to be treated and he is willing player in every relationship in his life. Well he’s involved, no matter how willing he is or not. So until he deals with this feeling, of love as responsibility, he will not be able to enjoy the beauty and freedom that love brings, the sheer joy.

I know you want that for him, but I want that for you, with or without him. And I know it’s out there for you. So I’m just going to keep holding up that white flag…not of defeat, but of surrender, of letting go, of melting into what is showing up in life. Not fighting to make someone else whole, but just allowing yourself to enjoy what is, as nest as you can. I’m sure you’re doing an excellent job of it!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shay,

Welcome to the forum! So walk me through what happened…you went out on a date…was it a first date? How did you meet? How long had you been talking?
How was the date? Did you feel chemistry? How did it end? Did you anticipate meeting up again?

Often we can tell so much already as to whether or not a date has the potential to go somewhere but we don’t want to trust our monkeybrain.

So do you have any ideas as to what he might be thinking/feeling?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mandie,

Ok, I found you! Hi!!! I think this is what you were referring to in the other email 🙂

First off, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Sounds just like an awful situation! It must be very difficult because what I’m getting from you is this: Your partner (we won’t call him ex just yet!) is a kind and loving person who didn’t spend much time with his birth mom because of her issues. Now that he is grown and can possibly be of help to her, she’s come back to reconcile. But since she is still pretty unstable, she’s not bringing anything to the table, and just wants to take. Since your guy is a kind guy who didn’t grow up with her, he probably feels at least some guilt and desire to connect. Even if he knows that she’s toxic, she’s still his mom and he probably has many times in the past that he feels like he needs to make up for. His mom is using all of this to her advantage.

They see you as someone who is going to encourage him to stick up for himself, and do what’s best for him and the life he’s built with his partner, aka you. So you are a threat to their ability to make him into their “hero” or shall we call it, slave? Abusers always want to separate people from any support they have and this sounds…abusive.

So there’s a lot at play here and you are getting caught up in the mix. But first off, I just want to reiterate what Heidi said that this is not about you. He has a LOT of baggage here that is showing up at his doorstep in the way of estranged family, who while they might be succubus style, are still blood, and he obviously feels obligated to help them. Whether you or I think that he should help them or not, the choice is up to him, and he has to make it on his own.

The only way to stay connected with him is to support him, and be there for him. right now it’s a you vs them situation. Maybe they are perpetuating it, but it sounds like you are falling into it. Even though you may know that they are oxic, you have to let him understand that you understand why he’s doing what he’s doing with them, and not insist that he choose you over them. Because what he’s dealing with right now with them is way too strong for him to turn away, and he’s going to choose them. he is choosing them. And it’s not because he doesn’t care about you. It’s because this familial tug is way too strong.

So do you think there’s a way for you to find your way back to each other? Find your way back to him, just you and him, and let him know that you want to be there for him and with him outside of his family? Not instead of his family, he can have them too, but can the two of you have your own thing, your own family, and truly be able to be a unit from that place?

What is standing in the way of that happening?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mandie,

Welcome to the forum! I’m not sure what this is referring to exactly though…can you elaborate more on what your question might be?

Thanks so much!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello dear Cynthia,

I understand that you are a sweet person, amd that maybe in your mind it doesn’t cost you to reach out like it does to most people. I can relate to that for sure, but I also find that eventually it gets to be too much for me and I can feel really hurt when I keep reaching out and others don’t respond in kind. I’ve actually had to release many friendships because of this, as even though I knew that their lack of reaching out didn’t indicate a lack of love, it just wasn’t compatible for the relationship style that I need and want. And I have done a lot of work on myself and know that I need to do what’s best for me, even if it means that I may need to pull back in situation where there definitely was good.

It sounds to me like you’re coming to this point, and I have faith that you will, even if it takes time. Saying that you’re putting out to the Universe what you want is a really great step, and the work you’re doing to love and care for yourself, not blame yourself for whatever anyone else is doing, is really beautiful and beneficial as well.

Of course you don’t have to deny or vilify the wonderful times that you had with Brian. You can cherish them, see them as gifts, and as stepping stones that are moving you further down your path of healing and to fulfilled partnership where you are met fully. You have so much to give, but giving into a black hole of need where there’s no reciprocity is deadening, sad, and unsustainable.

That’s what the situation with Brian feels like. It feels like you’re throwing love and care out into the void, and never seeing or knowing if there is a return. I appreciate the Buddhist philosophies of non attachment, but I also feel that we are mortal being having a limited human experience, and its unreasonable to be so disattached. It also feels like it pulls us away from some of the true joys of life that come from having that strong connection with other humans. So that being said, I think it’s more than ok for you to want to receive from a partner, and to pull away when someone is so blatantly retreating.

So when you say that you want to text him to reassure him that you’re not abandoning him, I do see that as an unhealthy pattern and not really being respectful to yourself. You have abandonment issues as well. You are losing your beloved pet. You are alone, lonely, in need. Why does that not matter? Why is it only that he needs reassurance? Maybe the reason why he gets rejected by people is because of this very thing that he’s doing. You’ve given him so much opportunity to change and be loved, and he’s not stepping up to the plate. He doesn’t deserve your love at this point, he really doesn’t.

But I understand that you feel like you need to keep giving, and I of course will not try to stand in your way. Even if I wanted to, I not only respect you as a strong and powerful being, I also know that we all must play out whatever we need to in order to heal and go on our own journeys. So you do you!

Thanks for sharing about your parents. I’m sorry that you were never able to have the closure with them, but perhaps there are other ways. I personally lost both my parents when I was in my 20s and they were in their 40s. I was very close with my mom and it was sudden and tragic. My dad was sick for many years and I didn’t understand the tragedy of his death until many years later. But because I haven’t been able to have any conversations with them as a true adult, I have turned to them in spirit form, and connecting with them in that way has actually helped quite a bit. So maybe talking with hem and expressing somethings will help, even if it’s not directly them in a back and forth conversation. Just a suggestion!

I hope that you have a lovely Thanksgiving holiday with your family! Due to covid and most of our family not being out here, this year my husband and I are just having the holiday on our own. No pets, and unfortunately no children, but that’s a different story.
I so appreciate your gratitude of me and I am super grateful for you as well! You are truly a wonderful person, and I’m glad that I get to support you and to be here to keep reminding you of all that!

Lots of love today and always,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Hope you’re doing well! I wanted to chime in here with a few of my thoughts about the situation. The main thing that comes up for me when you’re talking about Barry and his girlfriend is that there are two sides to every story, and it’s very rare that one person is awful and the other is perfect. There’s so much that goes on behind closed doors in a relationship, and whatever you’re seeing is a very slim piece of the pie and what they want you to see, or what they are comfortable sharing.

Actually, her behaviour indicates to me someone who is supremely unhappy and unfulfilled in their relationship. Now I’m not saying that Barry is at fault here and it’s his responsibility to make her happy, but I am saying that there could be many things that he is doing, or that he is not doing, that is contributing to her miserable behaviour. Maybe there are things that she’s expressed to him about her comfort levels within the group that he’s not being conscious of, or any number of personal issues that they are having as a couple that makes her feel disrespected and unheard when he is just going about his day like everything is ok when it’s clearly not.

I would just caution you to not demonize the woman and revere the man. I know that your mom wasn’t very nice to you and so you assume that the woman is always wrong, but that’s not always the case. Even in your mother’s case, it sounded like her life was no picnic either, and while it wasn’t right for her to treat you specifically as she did, she also didn’t have many resources of her own to rely on.

I’m just saying this because I think the more compassion you can have for other women, the more compassion you can have for yourself. And also the more you can start to view men as the flawed humans they truly are, instead of these great figures that you need to impress or coerce in order to like you. I am saying all of this with love as I see a pattern and I’d like to always be encouraging you to live your best life!

In terms of the man with the dark eyes, I wish I could see his picture too! I personally am attracted to people who have suffered, as long as they are able to come out of the other side still having some level of optimism and strength. So it’s so dependent on what exactly is behind those dark eyes. But I also believe that some of the most important part of dating, online or otherwise, is trusting your gut. And if you don’t feel called to him, and/or are actually repelled, that’s something to pay attention to. You don’t owe anyone anything!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story, and welcome to the forum! I hear that you’re confused by your relationship and connection to this man, and that you’re struggling to make the best decision for yourself. It’s tough, and I feel for you!

Having great sex with someone is a very heady thing, and can be as addicting as hard drugs. It can make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do, and cause you to stay in, and/pr go back to situations that you know are ultimately wrong for you, but you feel the need to continue and get more of that thing that you crave.

I think you know that this isn’t a good or healthy relationship that’s going to end in a happily ever after. He doesn’t love his wife, he doesn’t love you, he only loves a woman that’s unattainable and not even around. This indicates to me that he’s not capable of true intimacy or being a decent partner to someone who is actually in his life. So the idea of “winning his heart” is not only not realistic, it doesn’t make any sense. What would you actually receive from his man by “winning his heart”? What does he have to offer besides hot sex?

I can assure you, a man like that will only have great sex with you when you’re forbidden in some way. If you were in his life as a partner he would be off finding someone else and you would be the person who was forcing him to stay (like he says about his wife).

You can enjoy it for now if you want, but don’t expect it to ever become something real and healthy.

What you can rely on though is this statement: I couldn’t imagine going back to what I had before.

I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to. You can use this experience as a springboard to move you forward towards having the full package. The great sex, the compatible companionship, with someone who is available, healthy and ready to be with you in the way that you want.

Giving him up will help lead you to a greater experience that he is not able to give.

What stands in the way of this for you?

xoox
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachel,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! It definitely sounds like you are in a tough situation with your husband and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that. It’s always a losing battle when someone is trying to change someone else.

I will say that your situation is a bit unique as typically we get messages from women saying that they want to change their man and we have to advise them on why that’s a difficult, if not impossible, task. So it’s definitely not of the norm to have a woman come to us saying that their man is trying to change them, but in the end, the advice is very similar.

Because what I would be telling your husband, is that not only can’t he expect to change anyone but himself, it’s really not his place to. You are a grown woman, and no one can create real change in their life except for the person doing the changing.
If you’re in a relationship with someone that you can’t accept for who they are, you have to evaluate if that’s the right relationship for you. Trying to “hardcore fix” someone is unfair, and frankly very controlling.

Now it’s one thing if the assistance to change is something that you want, and involves a system that you come up with together that inspires you to change, but right now you’re sying that he’s mostly just berating you and making you feel bad, which I’m sure doesn’t help with lack of self confidence.

So the first question is this: what do you see as your issues, and what do you want to change?
Next is: what do you think that you need to do in order to change, and is there a way that he can help?

Once we determine those things, we can discuss how best to approach him and get him in on this plan. It sounds like he genuinely cares for you and wants to be with you and make the relationship better. Of course there are likely things about him that you may want to change too as it always takes two, but we can get to that as we start unpacking.

For now, let’s start with this and move on from there.

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts