[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Glad to hear that things are not as dire with Gabriel as you were thinking! That’s a relief to know that you have more time with him. Do tell me more! How did you first come to have him in your life? What makes him so special to you?

You are very good at seeing the best in situations, which is a very admirable quality. Whether it’s your time with Brian or your beloved pets, you are able to enjoy what you have, and see that time as a gift, no matter what comes after. That is a real strength, and one I sometimes crave more of myself. It can be so hard when you lose someone to not get caught up in the grief of loss. I know that you’ve experienced that as well, and I admire you for continuing to go towards the light.

Also it sounds like you have an active social life, which does not surprise me! It seems that you’re an easy person to be around, and I’m sure many people want you in their sphere. I’m glad that the things happening in your life are keeping you busy, and that you don’t even have time to dwell on missing Brian too much. I’m happy to hear you acknowledge the huge well of love that you have within you to give, and that you’re beginning to really get clear that if Brian doesn’t show back up to be in that realm with you, it’s his loss. Because you still have that love and can and will share it with others who are ready to receive it. That’s beautiful!

I hope that you’re having a lovely December, despite any cold weather you may be experiencing. Although I’m not a fan of the cold or the snow, there is something about cuddling up by a warm fire with a storm raging outside. Must be my New York upbringing!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Dominique,

I totally get what you’re saying because sometimes we just want to get it too, and we don’t want to have to play the game in order to get what we want. We just want to be able to say it, and not have the person be scared off by that. And I am here to tell you, not all men will be. Like I said, that 30% (or maybe more depending on where you look) will be intrigued by a strong woman, enticed and enchanted by her. But yes, you do have to be transparent with who you are. If you are truly a strong woman but you are coming off as shy and demure to attract the man, you will attract the wrong man, who really doesn’t have the stamina to keep up with you. That just leads to heartache and disappointment, and feeling like it must be something that you did wrong. When the only thing you did wrong was to not be true to the truth of yourself. So being clear is definitely key.

In terms of how soon is too soon for sex, a lot of it depends on what you want. If what you want is a deeply sexual relationship, without commitment, then speaking to the truth of that will likely garner you as much of that as you want. However, if you are looking for a soul mate, a partner, to fall in love, I have to be honest with you that having sex as soon as you meet someone will likely thwart that objective.

Sex is very intimate, even though sometimes we do it easier than a handshake. No shame in that, but often with that vibe it’ll be over as quickly as a handshake is too, even if it does last all night. Because when we get so intimate so quickly before knowing the person behind the genitals, it’s easy to just see that person as said genitals, and it feels strange to then go back and discover who that person is outside of that. Not to be crass, but just because you want to fuck someone does not mean that they are who you want to make a life with, or even take out for coffee. So unless the reason for the connection is purely sexual, I think you may miss out on the true connection if you start with such deep intimacy and then try to reel back in to that coffee date. You feel me?

Let me know if I’m on the right track here…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

Thanks for sharing this story and welcome to the forum! Have you ever heard of lovebombing? It sounds a little like this!

I have to tell you, it’s always a big red flag when someone jumps into things so quickly. It’s not real. It can’t be because it’s not based on anything concrete. They don’t know you, and you don’t know them, and it’s impossible to know anything true about someone in just a few weeks.

This person sounds super impulsive, and this is likely a pattern in his life. He goes full force into something, and then realizes that in reality, taking his time would be better, and then pulls back. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s a pattern of behaviour. If he really wants to be in a healthy relationship with someone, he will have to change this behaviour, and learn how to take his time getting to know someone before he acts like someone that he barely knows is his committed girlfriend. It just doesn’t sound like he is very self aware, and that he lives a little too much in the moment, but can’t sustain it. And understandably so. There’s nothing built there to be sustained…

I don’t think he’s not contacting you because he doesn’t like you, he’s not contacting you because maybe he’s aware of his unhealthy pattern and doesn’t know how to change it.

So what can you do? Well if you are interested in getting to know him, I would be honest about that, and about everything. Let him know that you’d like to get to know him, but you think the way you jumped into things was too quick, and that it created pressure to be all in when you barely know each other. Rather than take a “pause” which means going from 100% to zero, why not back it up and get to know each other in a more relaxed way. Make a plan to go on a date, and not have there be an expectation that you will then see each other a few days later, but maybe make a date for a few weeks later.

This is a more healthy way of getting to know someone, and will result in an ultimately better relationship.

How does that sound to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That’s nice! What did you like about him? I’m also curious how you went about telling him about your lack of experience before meeting up. Does he know that you’re a virgin?
It sounds like you’re pretty comfortable with him, which is great! But I’m still wondering how it is that you feel that way, as in what is it about this particular guy that has inspired you to feel at ease?

In terms of the dealbreakers…I agree with some of them and question others. The first 3 I understand, but what’s wrong with a picture with pets or with a car? Do you not want someone who has pets? He might just like animals…and what’s the ect part that causes the left swipe?
I absolutely agree that if they haven’t put much effort into writing about themselves than it’s definitely a red flag, but sometimes you have to be careful of the people who write so much that you can tell that they are trying to impress you with their words. That can also feel like they are hiding something…

It’s definitely a delicate balance with online dating, or really just dating in general. So it’s good that you’re reaching out for help 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dominique,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your questions! Happy to discuss this all more in detail and how it specifically relates to your situation. Also, always good to have another strong and independent woman here! Not only am I one myself so I can relate, but my business as a coach has been geared towards us Alpha females as we are a special breed.

That being said, I totally get what you’re saying about being capable and resourceful, and those traits not canceling out the fac that you want a man who will take care of you and let you relax. Because you are a high functioning and motivated woman, you ESPECIALLY want someone who can take the reins and let you lie back and not have to be in charge for a bit. When a man can do that, it’s like a gourmet meal to us! It’s amazing, incredible, and life affirming.

However, most of us strong women have been told that we scare men off, we push them away, and that the only way that we are going to find a man to take care of us is to be weak and docile. Well I say a big ass HELL NO to that! Dumbing or even dulling yourself down is never the answer.
I guess the question then is, what is, right?

Well in regards to some of the specifics of what you asked, I’m assuming that a “night” refers to sex? Clarify that for me before I go off on that one.

In terms of your other questions about timing…
How quickly do I wait to text someone after the first date where I felt like we did have a connection? Or should I not be the one to initiate it at all?
That’s a tough one!

Here’s the thing, when you’re goal oriented and ambitious like we are, you inherently feel that time waits for no one, the early bird gets the worm, and the universe rewards actions. So you see nothing wrong in being upfront about what you want and asking for it. THat’s admirable and great, and I wish there were more people like us in the world. Unfortunately here are not and most people are insecure, unaware, and don’t know how to truly express what they want, or even know what that is. Therein lies the issue.

Do I personally think that you should message the guy after the date and say hey, sure! Do I think it’s going to be successful 7 times out of 10? Maybe not. But here’s the thing. For the 3 times that he DOES respond well, well then you’ve found a good one! Because seriously, who wants a guy who doesn’t know what he wants, doesn’t have the balls to even be honest about it, and feels like ghosting instead of being a decent human is the way to go about relationships? That’s not the person you want to try and build something with.

What I alway said was “If you don’t get me, then you don’t get to have me”, and that’s the thing. You need to know deep within that you are a prize, and that if someone isn’t responding that’s their loss. You need to keep on being your bad-ass self, and not let anyone make you feel bad about that.

How is this landing?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

I’m so sorry to hear about Gabriel! It’s so difficult to lose a pet who is sweet and innocent and has done nothing in this life but bring you comfort. It’s very upsetting to watch someone you love slip away and not be able to do anything to stop it. And especially hard to watch when it’s a pet who doesn’t have the human understanding that we do. I’m glad to know that you still have his sister, but it sounds like Gabriel was very special to you on his own. I’m so sorry to hear that he’s in pain and that he may be on his way to his next incarnation.

I’m also sorry to hear that Brian is not reaching out, but I am glad to know that you’re gaining more clarity about your own wants and needs in relationship, as well as clarity from his silence as to what he is not able to offer. Of course it’s challenging to not just focus on all of the good that you had with someone and to miss all of those parts. Especially at this time of year when it’s cold outside and the holiday marketing is pushing us to be happy and with loved ones. But really anytime there is a loss we have a tendency to focus on the good of what could have been, without thinking about the pain that could have come from the experience as well. It’s human nature to think that way, and when you love someone, it’s always a perplexing situation to imagine that life could be better off without them than with. Because I’ve lost people that I love dearly and are irreplaceable, I can very rarely relate to the gift of loss that others describe, but I do have to always remind myself that every loss is an opportunity for gain, even when that feeling is very far out of reach.

Anyway, I hope that realization is coming to you more each day, and you are able to feel blessed by the love instead of saddened by the loss.

Sending love and strength,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

You did?!! How did it go? What happened? How did you feel? Do you like him?
It’s great to hear that you are going on a second date so that must mean it went well on some level. Is having him plan the next date something that you suggested, or did he? Is that how you want it to go? Does that take pressure off you? There are many ways of interpreting that…We need details, lol!

In terms of red flags on profiles, there are some that are obvious. Like if they don’t really have pics, or just have sexy pics, most of the time that indicates that they are looking for sex only. If all of the pics seem to be really old, that could mean that they are hiding who they are now, or how they look now. Of course everyone gets older and may not look as good at 40 as they do at 20, but it’s important to be honest about who you are online or you might scare off potentially interested women.

Another red flag is how they interact. I don’t like it when men just ask things like, “how was your day”, or “what are you up to this weekend”? It feels lazy and too familiar. I want to talk with someone who is trying to get to know me on a deeper level, and that feels like what a cashier asks you in the checkout line. ALso it’s just not enough interaction to get me excited. I want to see that they have actually read my profile and are trying to engage me from something that they read in there, and that they aren’t copying and pasting the same message over and over.

That’s a good start for now. I will look for my notes from my class on red flags!

In the meantime, dish about your date 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Oh no! Sorry to hear that you haven’t been feeling well. I hope that you’re doing better. Were you able to go out on the date?

I think it’s just more about having fun, gaining experience, and not putting too much pressure on each interaction to be “the one”. You know the expression about how you have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince? Unfortunately that’s more true that any of us would like to believe!

Of course you don’t want to waste time with a bunch of frogs though, so that’s why I say learning how to read cues in profiles, and when you talk with people on the phone or do video chats, will be really helpful and beneficial as you are putting yourself out there into the world.

I’ve done classes on just that alone, so I’m happy to send you more info on red flags if that’s helpful for you!

Thanks for letting me know your location! I’d say that Canada is pretty progressive in terms of lifestyle and dating, so I wouldn’t expect any stringent cultural biases coming from there. It’s a pretty cool place from what I know! But then again, I’m American, and many of us have Canadian envy 😉

Let us know how you’re doing!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I’m sorry that it feels that way but remember that it doesn’t have to be that way, even though it may feel that way. But in reality, the two of you still have a connection that is outside of his family. He deserves to have something for himself and to not just be at their beck and call. There’s no reason that he should have to give up a relationship with someone that he cares about in order to appease them. Think of it that way. They are denying him a loving relationship, which is a really cruel thing to do.

If you know that words are important to him, then reach out with those words. Communication can be really powerful and can make or break a situation. It sounds like there’s a lot unsaid between the two of your right now that is creating discord and disconnect. If you can have an open and honest discussion with him, you might really be able to move the needle in the right direction.

Is there anything getting in your way of doing this?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for the resend, I did see it actually! Sounds like you are doing some great stuff for yourself, I admire that.

Any news or word from Brian? Anything new happening?

Yes I can get your email address from our main headquarters if someone asks to keep in touch with us, so I can do that!

I can’t promise to be as in touch as I am here, but it will be good to not totally lose track of each other 🙂

Hope all is going well!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

When you say that I have thought about talking to someone in general are you referring to a therapist? That’s a great idea!
Having supportive people who can help with what’s going on inside of us is always a good choice. Life is difficult and there is no guidebook that we are given as humans for how to relate to others, or ourselves. Any kind of personal development work that we can do for ourselves is always worth the effort, and makes us more equipped to handle what life throws at us.

That is the same philosophy we are using with the dating as well. It’s just about getting experience talking with men and seeing what resonates with you and what doesn’t. And then paying close attention to your reactions and feelings.

As much as I’d like to believe in old school romance, it’s just rather unrealistic in this day and age to think that you’re going to meet someone and that will be your person from day one. Back in the day that happened more because not only did people have less options, but people were also taught that to date around was bad and shameful, and that meeting one person and being only with them your entire life was the key to happiness. I’m not sure what country or culture you are writing in from, but in most modern dating culture that is simply not the case. People have so many more options not only for dating potentials, but also for lifestyles, relationship dynamics, and more. So the world of romance has significantly changed and figuring out how it all works is key to being successful.

That being said, I do want to acknowledge your courage. You are putting yourself out there even though this is something that you haven’t done before. You are stepping into unchartered territory, and you are willing to learn new skills. So you should really be proud of yourself!

Let us know how the date goes and we look forward to being by your side for this exciting adventure!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mandie,

Thanks for sharing more! It sounds like your relationship had been going really well, with common goals, interests, etc. I’m wondering how long you’ve been together and how you all met?

Once the family showed up, it definitely threw a wrench in what was building, but it did possibly bring to light some things that were brewing underneath the surface, at least making clear how your partner deals with conflict or difficult situations. That IS the concern. Because as much as we may sometimes want life to be just between lovers, it’s not, and we have to be with people that we know we can weather the storm with. It’s concerning that once his family was in the picture he not only didn’t know how to handle them, he also didn’t know how to handle his relationship with you.

It’s perfectly normal to get triggered in intense situations and we are human after all. We don’t always know how best to respond when we are feeling upset, fearful or angry. So it makes sense that when things started to get tough, the communication breakdown started, and you all began to fight. Then the fighting escalated, and before you knew it, you both had said things that you felt like you couldn’t take back, and so you broke up and stayed that way.

But my question is this: why are you staying that way now if you both want to be back together? I’m still a little confused by what going back to normal entails, and what your relationships is like now. Is it everything that it was before except sex? So all fo the fun, the laughter, the making of plans, the common goals shared, etc? Because that doesn’t sound to me like a broken up couple, that just sounds like a couple that needs to bring the magic back. Or is it that the sex is the one thing that proves to you that you are not broken up, and both of you are too proud or scared to have a clarifying conversation?

To me it seems like that’s what you really need right now. You need to be open and honest with each other about what you really feel, what you want, and what’s getting in the way of you making that happen with each other. It’s also ok to not know the answers to all or any of that, but it is important to open up the pathway to conversations about your innermost feelings.

You say that you’ve made some steps in that direction, dropped hints, started talking about it, etc, etc, but now you really need to stop bearing around the bush and have the honest conversation. It may feel difficult, but I think you will feel better after.

So find a time when you are both feeling good. Maybe make a plan to go somewhere nice where you can relax, get away from your usual environment and commit to being open about what you feel. Give it this real shot and if it doesn’t work, maybe it is time to really break up. But it sounds like you both love each other enough that you don’t want this to just end. So if you can give it this one go before throwing in the towel, I think you’ll come away from the experience knowing whether it’s worth it to keep going, or to throw in the towel.

What do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nathalie,

It sounds like whty he is feeling is not a lack of interest or love but rather just a loss of his own internal stamina. If he’s the kind of guy who’s used to being the strong one, the provider, etc. it sounds like he’s really taken a blow to his self esteem in his new position in life. He sees himself as not as capable as he once was, and maybe feels like evernyually you will see his and want more, and then you will leave him. So why get too deeply just to be left. So he’s rejecting you/the situation before he can get rejected.
However by doing so, he is ensuring that the relationship will end, therefore creating a self fulfilling prophecy that doesn’t have to be that way. It’s an awfully sad catch-22!

I’m curious as to how much you are able to talk about this together. You say that he’s pretty open about his emotions, so could you tell him all of this openly and honestly? Could you tell him that you’d rather have him to whatever capacity he can give than to not have him give to you romantically at all? have you let him know that by pushing you away he is creating a situation where he could potentially lose you? I wonder if he might change his tune a bit if he really understood what you were going through and what was at stake.

It seems like you’re very willing to go along with things, give him all the time he needs, and make the best of it simply because he’s the “best you’ve had”. That’s great and all, and it’s very nice to be so compassionate, but that kind of relationship has a shelf life, and it’s not one that really feels like it has the capacity for growth.
While it’s important to be your own person and to do your own self growth, it’s also important to not be putting your needs on the back burner while you’re waiting for someone else to deal with those. So I would just cuation you to be very clear about how things are going here, and to make sure that your needs are being fulfilled in the relationship, and that you are not only giving, but are also receiving.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well one person showing up to Game Night is still something! And as mentioned, I think this is a difficult time of year to start something consistent. I used to run monthly events, and sometimes having it monthly is helpful because people know that they can drop in and it’ll still be going. But also sometimes people just know that it’s there and then never actually show up! i guess it can go either way. But the only real important thing is that you are having fun. You never know who will show up so I’d say why not just go sit out there with some games and see who wanders in. What do you have to lose?

I’m sorry to hear about you losing all that money with the move but you should have some recourse! A landlord legally can’t just keep your deposit unless you were in breach of contract in some significant way. You can take them to small claims court if nothing else. Usually if you tell them that you are going to do that they will pay up as they dont want to have to deal with going through the hassle. I’d definitely confront him and try to get that money back. It’s not tens of thousands but it’s not peanuts! Don’t let him get away with it. You did everything right in that situation and then some. There’s no reason that you should have to be the one to suffer.

Glad to hear that things are moving and shaking for your kids and that they are moving on to greener pastures. I’m sure having their own place and more space is going o be good for everyone’s physical and mental experience. It never feels good to be living somewhere that you’re not comfortable, and I’m sure that discomfort has been getting to Trav as well. Now that they will all be living someplace new that’s better, I’m sure that things will start moving in a more positive direction. It sounds like it already is, so that’s great!

Hopefully things will start moving in a posiive direcion in your work life too, but it sounds like that’s only a matter of time as well. if you can stick it out until the end of the year, I have no doubt there will be movement afer that. he holidays are just never a time to make any sudden moves, but once January is upon us, let the games begin!

In terms of Marcel, it sounds like you were not feeling him or his communication style and that’s quite alright. You are absolutely under no obligation to talk to or engage with anyone that you don’t want to. Whether you weren’t looking for a serious relationship, or if you simply weren’t interested in a relationship with him, you have every right to pick and choose who you interact with. Is there a reason that you haven’t simply unmatched with him or blocked? Are you concerned because he has your personal number? I always recommend using an anonymous google voice number when meeting people online so you don’t have to feel vulnerable if it turns out they are a psycho, as too many people are.It’s too bad that people, women especially, should feel like they have to hide themselves when online dating but that’s the way of the world these days!

Hopefully better times are on the horizon!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

So what do you feel like you need help with at this point? It seems like you have everything figured out…I wonder if that’s a pattern with you and if it affects your personal relationship. I have to be honest in that I talk with many people, and you’re not the easiest person to engage with. The reason is because everything that’s mentioned to you as an idea or advice, you seem to have a response to that shuts it down. So I wonder if this happens in your personal life at all?

Absolutely not saying this to offend and hope it doesn’t come off that way, just throwing it out there as something to chew on. And I’m also ok with being way off base as well!
My only goal here is to be of assistance in helping you achieve your relationship goals and feel happy and fulfilled. Please do let me know how I can do that!

xoxo
Spyce

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