[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

I just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Were you able to get any clarity or take any steps that felt good to you?

Hope you’re well!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Thanks for your honesty in sharing these personal details from your childhood. It definitely makes sense that if you had this dynamic with your own mother, that you would continue to play this out in your life.

For one thing, our mother is one of the most personal and intimate relationships that we have in our lives. Even if one is not close with their mother, we still have so many feelings wrapped up in this person who made us and birthed us into the world. So ties with her can be intense. And then if you did grow up with your mother, as it sounds like you did, you learned how to relate in the world based on her. How she related to you, and also to the outside world. They say in relationships that you teach someone how to treat you, and that’s exactly what happened here.

Your mother taught you that if you wanted to receive love, you had to make yourself wanted. You just being here on this planet was not enough. Her actions taught you that you weren’t enough, and so you had to give more in order to be worthy and receive love. Of course she may not have been doing it maliciously and it was based on her own issues, but it still affected you greatly, and set you up to see life and your place in it in a very specific way. I’m sorry that you learned that untruth about yourself, but the good news is that now you get to unlearn it!

That being said, have you done any work on your connection with your mother? What is your relationship like now? Have you been able to get any deeper with her, or heal any of these old wounds? Or do they still feel fresh and open?

In terms of how that affects your other intimate and love relationships, obviously its huge! It sounds like you’ve been playing out that same dynamic with partners, and maybe even friends? If you don’t feel good about yourself and your self worth, you are probably picking partners who are not really even up to your level, but they feel safer and less capable of rejecting you, because they need you in some way so will be less apt to leave you. But they are also people who are not capable of giving you the love and reassurance that you are craving because they don’t have it within themselves to give.

The truth is, you can’t really love someone if you don’t love yourself, and love is a two way street. So in reality, you’re not really loving anyone, and they are not really loving you. Because you don’t value yourself enough, and neither do they. In reality, it takes a really strong person to go deeply into a healthy love dynamic. But don’t despair, I believe that you can get there!

So how does this lack of self worth play out in your life? We know about your internet relationship, and now we know about your mom and where it comes from, but how else do you find this manifesting in your daily life?

You might wonder why I am asking this, but we are just slowing unpacking the baggage that you’ve been carrying, so we have to dive in slowly and assess before going deep.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Not sure why I didn’t see the last note but I’m seeing this one here now. It’s been wonderful getting to know you these past few months here, and learning more about your life. I will be in touch through email!

Happy New Year 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

I can understand how you’re feeling, but I have to say there are some really big flags waving around this guy and how he communicates and moves through the world.

First off, he is super impulsive and does not think things through. As much as it’s fun to jump off the bridge with someone, there’s an obvious risk to it that i doesn’t sound like he takes into consideration. Not to belittle your connection, but I’m sure he does this with women as often as he can find a willing participant. It sounds like a pattern. Go deep, get scared, run away, and give the excuse of his “feelings have changed”. You are a smart person and you know as well as I do that like you said, feelings don’t just change overnight. This is his MO.

The thing to keep in mind that can hopefully help you feel some peace about this situation is that this is absolutely not about you or anything that you’ve done or didn’t do. This is how he works. But the one thing that he is right about is that he definitely DOES need to work on himself, because he obviously has really bad boundaries and poor communication skills.

So what does this mean for you? Think really deeply as to if this is the kind of person that you want to be with. The reality is that the fun times you’ve had with him is only a small piece of who he is. The confused guy who will jump in with both feet and then run away as soon as things get real is also a big part of him, and the more real part of who he is right now. You can’t change that, no matter what you do. Only he can do that work.

If you really enjoy his company, become friends with him. Get to know the truth of who he is so you can decide if being with him really is worth it. Right now, you really don’t know him at all, and all of the feelings you’re having are based on a fantasy that you’ve developed based on the potential of what you think your relationship with him would be like. I’m sorry to say but that’s not real. So take some time to find out what is real, and then you’ll be able to make a more educated decision.

But don’t be surprised if he finds a new girl to crush on every month or two. The road to him “working on himself” may very well be littered with broken hearts…

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sending your message! It definitely can feel disappointing when you have a certain idea about how things are going, and then they seem to be taking a different turn. But I’m here to let you know that what you’re telling us is actually a good thing! Let’s break it down.

So you met this guy and you have wonderful chemistry. You did the thing that all of us relationship coaches warn against, and you immediately jumped into relationship mode with a stranger, making the assumption that he was your person and that you knew him so well. Don’t feel bad though! It’s a very heady feeling when you meet someone and have that kind of instant connection, and they agree to ride the wave with you. It’s almost impossible NOT to jump on board! But you do have to be aware of the reality of this kind of unrealistic situation, and recognize that it may all crash and burn within short order.

The thing is, most of us can only keep this kind of thing up for a short amount of time, and before too long, someone gets drunk or stressed out, or has some other kind of emotional mishap, and the real truth of who they are comes bubbling out. Your guy may have felt embarrassed after airing some of his personal issues to you, and also he may have mistook your awkward silence after for judgement or disapproval, even though you said that it was all about your own emotions coming to the surface. Either way, a more real interpretation of both of you was discovered at that time, and it sounds like it gave you both quite a lot to think about.

But let’s get o the good part. So the good part is that you recognized and acknowledged that there really was no foundation to what you were doing together, and that a relationship that’s not built on some kind of friendship has little potential to continue after the initial fire starts to burn out. This is very true and wise. Further good parts is that the two of you decided to continue to see each other, but to backpedal a bit and focus on truly getting to know each other in a deep and honest way. If you have any desire to actually be with this guy, that is what you need.

You say: I want to built the foundation of friendship, but I also just really want him back and fix my mistakes.

Here’s the thing, the way to get him “back” and fix your mistakes IS by building the foundation of friendship, so I really don’t see what the problem is. Sounds like he really wants to make this work with you too, and is doing and saying all of the necessary things to actually take this relationship to the next level.

So…what’s wrong with this picture?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kadra,

So nice to see that you were able to make these positive and brave changes so expediently in your life. Kudos! Many women waste months, years, and decades with the wrong men, just wishing and hoping that he will change. Spoiler alert: he rarely does! It’s so refreshing when someone is able to do the strong thing immediately and not waste any more time mooning over someone who is just not able to give them what they need.

Of course it’s not always going to be easy, and you may need time to mourn the loss of your relationship, but like you said, if the connection is real, maybe you will come together again at some point later in life. Right now it sounds like it’s too painful to try to stay in touch as friends, so maybe better to let it go, but maybe in the future you can get back in touch in a way that feels good and nourishing to you.

This is definitely a great time to focus on yourself, your needs and wants, and maybe also think a bit about what brought you into the situation that you were in. Sometimes we are vulnerable and allow ourselves to get involved into circumstances that we wouldn’t normally get into. HOW we get into relationships is just so important, and paying attention to your patterns in that way will help you with your next one!

Please stay in touch as we are happy to help anytime.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Sounds like there’s a lot of assumptions going on here, and not a lot of clear communication! The problem with that is that things can get really muddle and confusing when people aren’t expressing themselves, and miscommunication and drama can ensue when people are not being honest. I know it can be difficult to say how you feel to people, but if you don’t, you will have a hard time getting what you want, mainly because no one will actually know what that is!

It sounds also like you are putting aside what you feel because of your ideas and fears about other people’s feelings. You think that another woman likes him so you don’t say anything. For one thing, how do you know that she likes him, and even if she does…if they aren’t dating, isn’t he still a free agent? How do you know that he likes her, or likes her better than you? He should be allowed to make his own decisions.
Why is it that you are betraying her by liking him? Why isn’t she the one betraying you?

Then you are also making many assumptions about his feelings about you, and it sounds like he is doing the same thing. You are shy and nervous around him so then he thinks you hate him. Maybe he is shy and nervous around you because he likes you? There is just way too many ideas flying around here with no one being willing to just be honest with their feelings!

Let me ask you this…what would be the worst thing that would happen if you told him that you were interested in getting to know him more? And what makes you think that he is out of your league?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Glad to hear how things are progressing these days! I’m sorry about the stress with your job, sounds like it’s always something over there! First you don’t have enough help, and then when they finally get you help, the person turns out to be difficult. That must be frustrating…I’m curious though why she asked you to bake cookies with her after work if you’re having such a difficult time doing your work together when you’re on the clock. Do you think she’s doing it to try and make amends? Or maybe to try and get to know you more on a personal level so it can alleviate some of the tension with your communication styles at work? That may not be a bad idea, unless you feel like she has ulterior motives…

Sounds like things are always moving and shaking over there and so that’s a positive. I know you’ve been wanting to get out of there, and it sounds like eventually something will happen. Hold out for what you want, and eventually you will get it for sure!

I’m excited for you that you’ve been chatting with some men online! Yay! Emil sounds like a nice guy and it seems that you’re making a connection. as Heidi mentioned too, I wouldn’t worry too much about some silence here and there, at least not at this point. You are still very new to each other, and you haven’t developed a pattern yet of conversation. And to be fair, you don’t know each other well enough yet to have a discussion about how you want that pattern to play out. What you can do though when you next alk with him is ask him more about his personal patterns of conversation and what his life is like. Often when people are super busy, they either have to make a plan and stick to it, or they are more spontaneous and will contact you when they have a free moment and ask, “hey, are you free right now?” I’ve found that those patterns can co-exist simultaneously. Either way it still shows the person is thinking of you and is interested. And maybe next time you do yalk, you can discuss more about how that works for him, and let him know the best way that it works for you. Speaking of, what is the way that you like to communicate and be communicated with?

In terms of the other guy Brandon, I was looking back through the messages to get caught up on him but didn’t see much so can’t speak much to him. Why are you feeling like he’s a player?

Hope everything else is going well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jody,

Thanks for sharing more about what’s going on! It does sound really difficult and like your husband is hiding something, at the very least his feelings. He has been forthcoming about the fact that he’s upset about something, but it’s really too bad that he won’t be more clear about what it is. It could be that it’s something petty that he’s ashamed of, and so he doesn’t want to come clean about what’s bothering him.

It could be that he’s having a more intimate relationship with his friend and his wife, or it could be that he feels under a lot of pressure at home and it’s become a vacation away from the stresses of daily life when he’s over there. If they drink or party in some way, he may feel like he’s “young again” when he’s there, and that encourages him to want to stay there. Of course if they are real friends they would encourage him to work out his issues with you and not lose his family, but people can have skewed perspectives!

The good news though, is that it sounded like once you stood up for yourself even a bit with the letter and conversing with the friend’s wife, he did respond pretty well and immediately. So could it be that you just need to stand up for yourself a bit more and communicate your needs? Could it be that once he was “called out” he realized that he needed to make a change and started to at least think about doing things differently?
That all sounds positive to me…

When do you plan to talk? What do you think that you could do from here to facilitate more closeness with him? It sounds like being honest and open about what you need for yourself and the kids is a good start!

In terms of therapy or coaching, you might be able to get therapy through insurance. I’m not sure about Heidi, but I do occasionally offer individual sessions with forum members outside of here, if they feel like they are desiring more support than they can get here through email. If that’s something you’re interested in, just let me know!
In the meantime, we are happy to help you here also.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

I totally understand about days flying by, it absolutely has been happening to me too! There is just so much going on and everyday is a new adventure. It’s very easy to lose track of time.

But that’s also why time is so precious, and why it can really hurt when others choose to waste time giving in to fear, hurt, or other negative feelings. I’m someone who always likes to deal with things in the moment, and talk everything through. I find it very difficult to be close to people who don’t operate that way. To that end, most everyone I am close with is that way. Our relationships don’t last if they are not!

Hope the cats are doing well! Gabriel is actually a special name in my family, being repeated in my brother and his sons. Also my brother loves cats, so it all reminds me of him!

Anything else new to share?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jillian,

Thanks for clarifying more about where you’re coming from, and what you want and need. Because that’s really what’s most important! if you feel like it’s best for you to move out and work on yourself away from the relationship with him, that’s what you need to do. You can’t be worried about if he will be there at some point in the future when you are in a better place, you just have to focus on getting to a place where you feel good about who you are.

In reality though, you might find that when you get to that better place, you won’t want him. There’s that saying, “if you can’ handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” and there’s definitely a lot of truth in that. Part of being in a healthy and long term relationship is sticking with someone through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad. If he’s not able to be with you and support you while you’re working on your mental health, then he may not be the right person for you.

At this point, you need to do what’s best for you and your healing, that’s really the most important thing. and maybe he has some work to do as well?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

I’m still wondering more about what these physical contact issues are…you haven’t been very forthcoming with us about where all of this is stemming from, and quite frankly, we can only help you go as deep as you are willing to go. The more you let us know what you’re going through, the more we can help you figure out where patterns are coming from, and help you break down the walls that are getting in the way of you having the intimacy and companionships that you have come to us saying that you want.

I want to remind you that this is a totally anonymous forum. We only ever contact participants outside of the forum if they explicitly ask, and even then we have a protocol. So anything you say to us stays here. You can even change your name and use a pseudonym if you want. It makes no difference to us. The only reason that we are here is to help you move forward in getting what you want in life.

Anyway, glad to hear that you are getting out and having experiences with people. It’s great that you’re putting yourself out there, and getting a bit out of your comfort zone, in a healthy and safe way. We are proud of you for all of the work that you are doing, and we are always here to support and help you continue to progress!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jillian,

Welcome to the forum! Sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are going through a rough patch. That doesn’t have to be the ending, as long as both parties are willing to work on it. I’m a little confused from your message as to what his intentions are.

You say, We still currently live together and he says he still is in love with me and wants a future with me but then you’re also saying that he doesn’t even want to stay and work through the rough patches with me.
So I guess my question is, which is it? Maybe you don’t know the answer, and maybe neither does he, but like I said, if both parties are willing to work on things, things may be able to be salvaged.

You also said, I don’t want to work on myself for the hope of us but rather for myself but will that ultimately push him further away? which seems like another contradictory statement. If he’s asking you to work on yourself, how would doing so push him away? Also, any self improvement work that anyone does is always a good thing. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you really want to do the work for yourself, which leads me to my next question, what work do you personally feel like you need to do? Do you feel like it’s more things that he is unhappy with about you, or are there things that you feel like are getting in the way of you being happy and fulfilled in life, that would help you in general if you worked on them?

Looking forward to hearing more, and getting more clarity about where you’re coming from!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kadra,

Hello and welcome to the forum! Sorry for the delay in response, we get many messages here and sometimes a few will slip thru the cracks. Thanks for poking us again!

I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. It can be so devastating when you think that you are on the same page with someone and then things turn, seemingly suddenly, and you are left with all kinds of questions and feelings that you were not anticipating having to deal with. It can really hurt and we are glad that you reached out for support.

It’s difficult when someone isn’t feeling good in themselves to be able to rely on them to be any kind of partner for you, and it sounds like this is what your guy is realizing, and may have known for a long time. I’m sorry to say, but I must agree with your friends that he IS emotionally unavailable, and to be fair, physically unavailable as well. The fact that you’ve never met and have been doing this entire relationship virtually is a huge factor. It makes sense that now that your “due date” is getting closer, he is pulling away and coming clean.

You’ve expressed that he doesn’t call you as much as you want and ofen pulls away. He’s depressed and not in a good place in life. It’s true of course that it’s not that he doesn’t love you or care for you, but he’s not able to be a good partner in a healthy relationship, and isn’t that what you would want?

You say that you fell for this guy super hard and that my heart is really desperate for him right now but I guess my question is just why? What is so great about him? What does he bring to the table? What does he do to show you that he loves you and is willing to fight his own demons to have a relationship with you? There has to be something there, or what are you waiting around and fighting for? What exactly are you losing by losing him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachel,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! I hear you on this, and you are asking some great questions.

Before we delve into them, I want to clarify and ask a few of my own! From where I stand, the timing between your first couple of dates sounds actually really healthy. You were both busy, and so you did what you could to make it work to get together. But you didn’t drop your entire lives to see each other. You recognized that you both had previous responsibilities and you respected that. Maure and healthy.

To be fair, what you were doing does not sound inconsistent to me. It sounded like two mature and busy people getting to know each other amidst their lives. making each other a priority as best as they could while not shirking their responsibilities to their other commitments.

My question is, what changed in you? Why did you start to feel like that was an issue or that he didn’t like you enough? And why was it that you ghosted him? Did you want to beat him to the punch in case he was going to do it first?

It doesn’t sound to me like you scared him away because he doesn’t want something consistent. It sounds more like he may be trying to respect your assertion that what you were doing wasn’t working for you, and doesn’t want to force something if you’re not feeling at ease with it.

To be honest, and I say this with love, this sounds more like your issue. What do you actually want? Do you want to see him every week no matter what? Maybe he can’t do that, but what if he could make a date every three weeks and stick to it? I dated someone successfully for a long time who whenever we met would plan the next time at the end of it. And even if wasn’t that same week, still knowing that we would always make another date made me feel like a priority. I was busy as well so this worked for me too.

It would be best for you to seperate the amount of time that you spend with someone from how much they may like you, especially when you are first getting to know someone. It can take awhile to fully integrate someone into your world, but if the desire is there, this can happen. Bu you have to be willing to give it a chance…

How does this land with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts