[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

Good to hear from you again! I was wondering how things were going in your dating world…Unfortunately all of that sounds like the typical ups and downs of dating in today’s world.

The first guy, yes he absolutely should have told you how he was feeling and not asked you on the second date, but at least you found out before investing time on the second date. And kudos for you for being so open and transparent with how you were feeling about it all! Unfortunately many men have a hard time saying how they really feel about things, and it sounded like he was no exception.

As for the second guy, the way the date went is no surprise. Yes you were driving there already so I can understand wanting to go through with it, but he had you meet him on a tractor while he worked? Any and all of that would be a huge dealbreaker for me. If someone can’t be bothered to make time for you, they don’t deserve your time at all. As a matter of fact, I would recommend not traveling for any guy at all. Make them come to you, at least for the first date. If they are making you go out of your way from the very first meeting, that’s a huge red flag that they are selfish, and don’t know how to treat a women correctly.

Third guy, well the first I guess, hard to say. It could be true that he lost your number but it also sounds like a very convenient lie. Maybe he’s interested, bu if he’s not willing to put in the effort to connect with you, that’s on him. It is difficult nowadays with lockdowns and everyone getting sick all the time, so he could be drained by all of that as well and maybe truly is sick. But I don’t know…

Have you come up with a list of dealbreakers? As well as the top 10 things that you are looking for in someone? It’s good to have that handy so you can be armed with that info when you meet someone. Then you can more easily determine off the bat if they have what you’re looking for, and not spend your time if they don’t.

As it seems like you’re feeling, energy is precious and dating can be very draining. Coming up with systems to help you navigate will be very helpful so that you don’t get burnt out so quickly and can keep on playing the numbers game!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shannon,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through all of this pain and suffering. It’s so difficult when someone leaves and is not willing to work on things, despite your best efforts.

First off, I want to congratulate you for going and getting yourself help. Recognizing that you have an issue is one thing, and then doing something about it is the sign of a strong person. I know that it doesn’t feel like it, but this alone tells me that you will be ok, no matter what happens.

I also would urge you to get support for your son right away as well. If he is struggling now, the longer that you wait, the worse that it will get. I’m sure that you’re dealing wih enough of your own emotions, and so having to deal with your son’s also without support from outside sources is going to just make things tougher. I hope that you are able to find him help sooner than later.

If you would be willing to share more about your marriage it would be useful for us to understand the situation a bit deeper. Can you tell us more about what led up to your husband leaving and filing for divorce? What has your relationship been like? How has the communication been? Have you had splits before? The more you are comfortable sharing, the more we can help.

Looking forward to your messages,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear abut the end of your relationship. It sounds like it’s been really difficult these past few months to let go and move on, and that you were getting mixed messages from him along the way that led you to believe that there was still hope of reconciliation.

I know that you want to think that if you just did things differently, acted a certain way, or said a specific thing, that you wouldn’t be broken up, but I do want to let you know that you have to stop blaming yourself. There is no magic sentence that will fix a broken relationship. The only way for a relationship to work is for both parties to be equally invested in its health and well-being. So it is never just one person’s fault or responsibility for its demise.

I’m sorry that you were in fact strung along, as it sounds like he didn’t have the emotional fortitude himself to be strong about his desires until the end, and that is very immature and hurtful. It would have been better for all parties involved if he could have just been honest with you months ago instead of giving you false hope and empty words.

So where do you want to go from here?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That is true! Bu please know that you do not have to work on this alone. We are here to support you along the way.

Do you have any ideas as to what you will do to work on yourself and become more confident?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nia,

Thanks for sending the update and sorry to hear that things are going awry. It sounds like there are many things going on here that could be rather confusing so I’d like to know more from you as to what you want to do.

Your first message was all about the neighbor that you’ve been having an affair with and what you can do to keep connecting with him. You talked about being over your marriage and not really wanting to work on things with your husband. In terms of that situation, I would say that it’s a pipe dream. It’s a fantasy that will never go anywhere real, and holding on to it or trying to make it into something that it’s not is only going to hurt a lot of people. Perhaps he realized that’s what he was doing and decided to end it. I agree that an adult conversation would have been better than immature silence, but it doesn’t sound like the relationship was the epitome of clear and healthy communication.

So now you’re saying that your husband is upset that you’re cheating. I know that he got the other party wrong, but he’s not wrong about your actions or intentions. So that’s why I’m wondering what you’re feeling about this. Your last letter mentioned all kinds of things that he was saying, but nothing about what you thought. It’s ok if you don’t want to be with your husband anymore. But the sooner that you are honest with yourself and with him about that, the sooner that you both can move on to whatever is going to be next for you.

So that’s the question. What do you really want moving forward?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cherisse,

This is one of my favorite topics so I’m glad that you’re asking about this! My first question is: why do you think that you have to date a man right around your age or older than you? The stereotypes about the man being at least 2 years older than the woman is very antiquated, and really has no place in modern society. While I’m not suggesting that you date a 25 year old, if you’re willing to date a man that’s 8 years older, why wouldn’t you date a man that’s 8 years younger?

I find it’s best to date based on common interests, life goals, and chemistry. If you look young, are into fitness, like to stay active, and all of that good stuff, why wouldn’t you want to find someone who is alignment with that, regardless of their age?
To be fair, it’s more likely that you will have all of that and more with someone younger than you than older!

So my recommendation would be to lower your age limit on the apps. If you’re 52 let’s say, put your age range from 40-55 and see how that goes. A 40 year old man is not a baby, and certainly could have had many similar life experiences that you have. I really think that making this small adjustment in your thinking is going to help a LOT.

As mentioned, this particular topic is more or less a specialty of mine, and I’ve helped out many women in this respect to find men that they were compatible with, and better off with than any man they’d dated before!

Let us know how it goes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! While I understand that you’re unhappy with your marriage, honestly it sounds like your running away from your problems, and just creating new ones.
The new man that you’re in love with…how did that start? How do you know that it was love? How long was it going on? It can be enticing to get involved with someone new when you’re not happy where you are, but unless it’s a healthy connection built on a strong foundation, it’s not going to go anywhere good.
Did you and this man talk seriously about leaving your spouses to be together? Or was it a fun fling to let off steam in a difficult situation?

I’m not going to say that you should work on your marriage if that’s not what you want to do, but I don’t understand what there is to fix or work on with this other man unless you can explain more about the connection, and how it was something real.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Oana,

I know that you want to think that everything was perfect and if only you hadn’t said that one thing, nothing ever would have changed, but unforunately that’s likely not true. If someone is unahppy in a relationship, eventually things are foing to come to a head. Also it’s not healthy to keep blaming yourself for what’s going on now. You have every right to express what you want to your partner, and if that one expression is going to lead to the whole thing going down the toilet, there are definitely much larger issues at play.

Also while it’s good to look honestly at faults and learn from your mistakes as to how you could do better, it’s not helpful to put yourself down or feel badly about who you are. It seems like you really think that if you could only do this one thing or that specific act, that all of his issues would disappear, and that’s simply not true. It’s also making him a passive player in a relationship where he has an active role. and my feeling is that this is part of the problem.

It sounds like he is a very emotional man, who connects deeply and thinks often about the feelings of others. Something tells me that he hasn’t been being truly honest with you for a long time. Not saying that he’s been being unfaithful, but it seems like he is very concerned with hurting your feelings and so because of that, he puts his own on the back burner and isn’t truly honest with the people that he’s closest to for fear of hurting them. Do you think this could be true? Do you see this pattern with him with anyone else in his life that he’s close to?

It could be that he’s not sleeping with anyone else, but that’s not saying that he doesn’t have a deep and intimate relationship with them, and sees this other person as his soulmate, or as the one he wants to be with. I know that hurts you, but you have to allow him the space to feel these things. Have you thought about giving him a little space and being a little less available? Making him miss you so he can understand how it might feel to not have you in his life? That can sometimes really help people to gain a new perspective in a long term relationship where things are starting to falter.

You have to think more about what you can do in this situation, because a lot of what you’re talking about doing here is controlling other people, which never works for long, and with him, sounds like it doesn’t work at all. He’s made it very clear that he’s not going to stop talking with her everyday, even if it upsets you. He is clearly choosing what he wants to do. In terms of talking with her, while I can understand how that might help, what makes you think that she has any inclination to be truthful with you, or has any loyalty to you over him? She doesn’t. Maybe she has loyalty to the truth, but as they say, alls fair in love and war, and she may not be the ally that you’re looking for.

So what can you do? As mentioned, work on yourself, your self love and self care practices to make you happier with who you are. Work on changing the parts about you that you’re unhappy with. Give him some space, make him come to you and choose you for a change.

How does that sound? Can you think of anything else that you can try?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Oana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! Please do not apologize for sharing details, this is absolutely a safe place for you to share as much as you want or need to. That’s why we are here, and the more that you share, the more that we can understand what’s truly going on, and hopefully be of help.

First off, I’m so sorry that you are going through this with your partner. Eleven years is a good chunk of time to be connected with someone, and it sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot together, and there is obviously a great deal of care between the two of you. I’m sure it feels awful to think that he is willing to let that all go to the wayside, or that he has someone else who he’d rather be experiencing life with. I feel for you!

If I’m reading correctly through the lines though, it sounds to me like there’s been a lack of passion for quite some time. You said: He doesn’t consider me to be the one because we have some incompatibilities, we used to be sexually incompatible but i already worked on this and turned everything around in the past 2 months
Can you share more about that? It’s great that you have been able to make some strides in that area, but how/what changed, and how have things been for the past 10+ years? If you’ve had sexual incompatibilities, I’m wondering how you were able to turn things around so quickly, while you’re in the middle of dealing with this strife with “Puffin”…

I have to say, and I am so sorry, but I feel like he is lying to you. The words that he spoke to that woman are not things that you say to a platonic friend. Did he spend time away from you in Romania? Did he have the opportunity to meet up and be alone with her? I’m not saying these things to upset you, but I just want you to be realistic. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s been either unhappy at worst, or complacent at best, and now that he’s found someone that he connects to, he’s not going to be able to hide it much longer. I’m saying this because I want you to be prepared. I would hate for you to be caught unaware and be in the dark, being played.

So I guess my question is…how much do you want to know? Do you want to know if he’s actually in love with her and cheating on you, or would you rather just not know and let things run their course for now?

You said: i simply hate it and i want it to stop, but i don’t want to bring up the discussion again, as we’re in very good terms now.

I understand that and I am so hurting with you right now, but I do believe that the only way that you will get a true and honest answer from him is if you push for an honest and clear discussion.

Let me know how you’d like to proceed with this and I can advise as to the best course of action.

Once again, I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Elizabeth,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for writing! You are obviously a very deep thinking person who has lived a very intense and meaningful life! There is a lot that you shared with us and we are here for all of it, and to help you navigate through all of the trickiness. However I do want to be clear that we are coaches, not licensed therapists, so we do have limits to how we can help, but we will always try to give you the best advice that we can, and point you in the right direction. We do truly believe though that each person is their own best teacher, and has the wisdom inside of themselves already.

First thing to say, is that I’m sorry for any of the suffering that you’ve had. You, and every human, deserves to be loved, cherished, supported, nurtured, and adored. It’s not your fault that you haven’t had those experiences as of yet, but I do believe that it’s possible for you to have them in this life.

So when you ask if I think if you should just be alone and secluded, the answer is no, you don’t have to be. But what you have to determine is who you are going to allow into your life. Because if you were to ask me if it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who is abusive and brings you down, I’d say absolutely yes. Being with someone abusive only makes you feel worse about yourself, and is not going to help you heal, or get any farther on your path to self love.

I know that self love can often be the hardest kind of love that there is, but you really can’t have true love with anyone else unless you do love yourself the most. If not, you don’t really know what love it. But it sounds like you haven’t had many role models. Your mother sounds like she is full of her own toxic issues, and she obviously was not able to give you a solid foundation of love, care, and nurturing that a mother should. She was an adversary, and did everything she could to help you feel worse about yourself, likely due to her own insecurities. You mention living with your parents but you haven’t said anything about your father. Is he in the picture? What was he doing when she was sleeping with teenagers?

The next person to inquire about is AW. I’m curious, what is it that makes you feel so entangled with him? He sounds extremely toxic, and like an awful person that you would be best cut out of your life. Yet you were with him for 13 years, and you are still interacting with him to this day. You sound like a person who is striving to become better, despite your hardships. However obviously nothing is changing with your relationship, there is no positive growth. So what makes you feel so called to engage with him?
Also, what is his relationship like with the kids?

In terms of JR, that’s quite a story that he has, and that you both have together. That’s incredible that you found each other after all this time, and that you have such amazing synchronicity. He could very well be a twin flame, but a twin flame is not always someone who we are meant to live life with. Often they are someone who comes into your life to teach you something, but the fire can burn fast and furious. It does sound like you have a very strong connection but you’re afraid to explore it. Is it because you don’t feel that you deserve it? You mentioned that he can’t give you what you want, but is that true? Has he expressed that? How do you know? Or are you just pushing him away?

Anyway, there is a lot here so let’s take things in bite sized chunks for now while we get to know each other. I really appreciate you sharing all of that, and I look forward to learning more about you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well while the Bay Area isn’t cold by Canadian or upstate NY standards, it can get cold at night, down into the 30’s. We’ve also been dealing with a broken heating system as of late, so I’ve been more aware of the cold. I also, as mentioned, just do not like being cold, at all! So it’s probably more of a personal problem 😉

Wow, Holland sounds cool! How do you feel about it? Sounds like you are on the fence? I mean, in terms of the actual job itself, it sounds like a great opportunity for you to be doing what you want and like to do, with a team where you will feel appreciated and valued. So that’s all good. Is it the far distance from home that concerns you? I guess you wouldn’t be able to pop back for visits as easily…is that what the issue is?

Thanks for sharing more of the backstory about Dave. It is a bit obnoxious because on paper, it sounds like you have a lot in common, and that he’s pretty much in line with what you’re looking for. However, personality and communication style is obviously a big deal, and if that’s a mismatch, it doesn’t matter if you have loads of common interests. It certainly sounds like he has something weird going on…

If you are interested in getting to know him more, then you can always send him a message with your new number, since even if he had texted again, you wouldn’t have received it. Even if nothing comes of it, at least you might be able to get more clarity on where he’s coming from.

You may have learned this by now about me, but I am a big fan of forthright communication, so if you did start chatting with him again, I would just ask him outright more about what’s he going through and see how he deals with his emotions. I’d ask him why he wasn’t looking me in the eye, and why he looked so anxious, but that’s me. I have a feeling you might be open to having that kind of transparent communication as well. I mean, what do you really have to lose? If he doesn’t respond well, then you know that he’s not the right person for you. If he opens up, it will be a door to a deeper connection. Either way, you get more information, and that’s never a bad thing!

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Happy New Year! Glad that you were able to spend an extra day at home. What a nice snafu! You do love the snow, hm? I personally am not a cold person. Even though I’m from upstate NY, I never learned to love the snow or the cold. Even now living in the Bay Are of California, I find it too cold! I would love to live somewhere tropical, but that’s probably not going to happen, oh well!

Anyway, it’s nice that you had a dinner date on New Year’s but it sounds like Dave is likely not a match. I’m curious where/how you met him, and what made you interested in the first place? I think it can take time to get to know someone, and it doesn’t sound like you had that. So while it’s fun to get excited about someone, it’s easy to get disappointed if the excitement isn’t based on much. Oh well, you got a nice dinner out of it, right?

Hope you’re settling back in! Maybe now that thee holidays are over you can get something going at your apartment complex?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Belinda,

I’m glad to hear that you have some support, even if it is primarily financially from the government. But it is difficult when family and loved ones are far and you are in a bad situation with only one person. Is your husband local? Does he have support from anyone else?

To be honest, it’s hard to know for sure if its completely hopeless or not. It certainly sounds like a difficult situation, but who can say for sure if someone will “see the light”? The thing that stands out to me is that I think part of what might be making it difficult is that it seems like it’s an “us or them” kind of situation. So he has to either pick his children, or his life with you and your children. It sounds like he has a lot of guilt over how he lacked connection in his children lives, and so he is trying to make up for it now, before they turn eighteen and are totally disengaged. He might think that the time to make things right with them is coming to a close, whereas you and him can still have something in the coming years.
I’m curious where this idea that it has to be you or them comes from?

I understand that you were uncomfortable with having his children in the home with yours, due to them being inconsiderate, as well as what sounded like potentially dangerous. Does he not understand that? Is there a way that you can help him to recognize that you do support his relationship with them, and his wanting to connect with them, but that you need to provide a safe home life for your family as well? Is there a way that you can make him understand that it doesn’t have to be one or the other?
Because if it does, it seems that he will pick them, just from guilt alone.

And that brings up another point…I know that you want to work on this with him, but it does take two to make things work, and he has to not want to lose you, just as much as you don’t want to lose him. If you’re doing all of the work, it’s not going to stick, and it’s going to burn you out. In these kinds of situations, often it’s best to let the person know what you want, but also let them know that if they don’t want that, you’re going to move on with your life. He has to understand that he runs the risk of losing you, and that you’re not just waiting in the wings for him to “come to the party”.
It sounds like you’ve been a great support to him, and the fact that he’s not able to be there for you now in your time of need makes him seem like a weak person. And a weak man is not someone that you want by your side.

So these are the things I would focus on. Do you really want to make things work with him?

Please send your thoughts!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Hope you’ve been able to have some fun these last few holiday weeks! As much as I used to love he holidays, it’s really not that much fun anymore, with variants running wild. I’m sure you also have cold weather up there so that doesn’t help, at least not to me! I’m not a fan of the cold, and I really should live farther down the California coast. Oh well, maybe someday!

Sorry to hear that it sounds like Emil might be a scammer. I guess my red flag with him was how quickly he was willing to connect. In some ways that’s not always a red flag, as another side of that coin can mean someone who is ready, available, proactive, and doesn’t play games. But sometimes it also means someone who is impulsive, way too busy, ungrounded, and not really able to follow through on their promises. It takes some time to learn the two sides of that, and be able to determine which one you’re dealing with. Only thing I’d say is blame those pesky holidays again! It’s a bit ridiculous but it does seem like everyone (North America at least) goes into some weird rabbit hole and the holidays become the excuse for everything. That’s another reason why I’ve come to dislike the holiday season and love January. Once the new year is here, we can finally get things done! And I must admit that I really love being productive!

Anyway, I hope that the new year will actually bring some things that you’ve been yearning for. A job that you like in a place where you want to be, and opportunities to meet new friends and even someone special. Being lonely is no fun, and I wish for you that it’s a thing of the past, and that 2022 brings you everything that you’ve been wanting, and things you never even dreamed of!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Belinda,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of this. It’s so devastating to feel like your marriage is slipping away, and like the person who you relied on most has left the building. Also court cases and dealing with children is so difficult and heart-breaking. It’s awful when the courts don’t actually do what’s in the best interest of the children, and the parents are pitted against each other. Do you have any good help in that realm in terms of a lawyer and/or support system? I really hope that you can get some if you don’t.

In terms of your husband and getting him back into your life, it’s definitely a tough one, but not insurmountable. It sounds like he is very confused, and likely feeling a lot of shame and guilt for maybe not being there “enough” during the formative years with his own kids, and maybe also some resentment that he spent those years with yours. Of course this is not rational as you supported him all that time and tried to be there for his kids as well, and help him cultivate a relationship with them, but when people are in dire straits, they often aren’t rational, and it can be difficult to get them to “see the light”.

But I’m curious about your question. Because throughout most of your message you sound very committed to working things out with him, or at least like you have been. I didn’t get from the message that you were planning on going anywhere. So then your final question threw me a bit when you asked: Do I give up or keep trying?

Because really, that comes down to you. Many things in life can be gotten or worked out if you try hard enough, and it’s really a dance between how much fighting is worth it before you just decide that you need peace. So I’m really wondering where you are with all of this?

Yes, it’s a sad and difficult situation. It really is awful that he’s seeing you as an adversary in this instead of working together with you as a true partner, and being strong for both of your families. It’s too bad that he feels like he has to choose between you or his kids, and that he’s abandoned you in his confusion and despair. There’s a lot wrong here. Can it be fixed? Maybe. But it depends on what you want.

So the question, Do I give up or keep trying? really depends on you.
What do you want to do? Once you decide that, we can help you determine a path forward.

xoxo
Spyce

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