[Coach Spyce]

Hi honda,

I guess we will all be waiting anxiously for that letter! I think it’s pretty exciting to get to go live and work in another country, especially Europe! I don’t know, people used to always tell me hat I’d love it over there. I only went once. It was on a cruise so I didn’t see much, and then I spent an extra couple of days in Barcelona which was fun. But I would have loved to explore more. You will have to do the exploration for us, and we can live vicariously through you!

I’m sure that once you get settled you will likely be able to find more avenues for dating. People over there, especially in the area that you’re going to, tend to be more active and like nature and being outdoors. I’m sure that you will have no problem finding many activity partners, and it would not be surprising if the dates out there are just way more fun! Heidi and I will be rooting for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Linda,

Yes, keeping the lines of communication open in any relationships is very important. As you’ve seen, when you leave things unsaid, resentments sart to build up and what once started as a small issue grows into something huge and insurmountable. The good news is that it doesn’t sound like you are there yet, so with some transparency and honesty, hopefully you can fix and heal whatever it is that has been going wrong.

So my first question: Why is it that you/he started bottling things up? Was there any reason in particular that you/he felt like you couldn’t communicate honestly about what was bothering you? Did you ever try and have a negative experience?

In terms of the negative assumption, what is that based on? Did you do/say something that he misunderstood or took the wrong way? Has he given you an opportunity to explain your side of things? Is he open to listening and changing his negative opinion about you? An assumption typically comes from someone not having all of the information and making a judgement based on misinformation. Is he willing to explore what the truth is so that you can get to the other side of this? It’s never fun or fair to be misunderstood, so hopefully he is open to changing his perception and realizing that he may not have had the correct idea.

Communicating about sex can be fun and exciting! It sounds like even the little bit that you did has had some good results already! I would just recommend keeping it light and simple. You don’t have to bring up anything that’s a problem, you can just more approach it with the idea that you want to learn more about what turns him on, and tell him more about what turns you on. Have you talked about that at all? Are you aware of what it is that you like? Many men really enjoy it when a woman can talk openly about what she is into. That’s actually one of men’s biggest turn ons and it might be why he likes the live cam shows. The women performing are very free in their sexuality and have no shame. That kind of attitude can be very exciting for men.

If you want to write him a letter and that feels fun for you, and you think that he will enjoy it as well, go right ahead! If he doesn’t know all of the things that you love about him, and all the things that he’s done that you respect and appreciate, I’m sure that he will enjoy hearing them. I wonder if you have ever gotten the same from him, and if you would like to hear that in return? I’m just asking as it sounds like you are trying hard to make sure that the relationship is moving forward and I’m wondering if he is also putting in effort. I just want to make sure that it’s not only you who is doing all the work and he is striving as well to make your relationship healthy.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Linda,

It’s good to hear that you’re talking about what’s gone wrong in your relationship as that’s a good first step to fixing it. Also it shows that he wants to fix things, which is also a good sign. So your communication used to be good and now it’s not? Was there anything that happened over time? What happens when something happens between the two of you that’s upsetting? How do you react? what about him? Pent up emotions or things that don’t get discussed can create negativity and disconnect over time. Do you think that could be happening here?

In terms of the calls, it sounds like a symptom of him being unhappy and disconnected from you. But part of that is coming from the two of you not discussing openly your sexual desires and needs. It could be that he wants something that he’s afraid to discuss with you and it’s easier to ask a professional. But it sounds like with just a small amount of communication the changes are already starting to happen. So how about try more of that? Sit down together and discuss how you can make your sexlife better and more connecgted. Ask him what he likes, try something new together. Maybe watch porn together and you can get a better sense of what he’s desiring. If you don’t see it as something bad, then he won’t have to hide it. And it sounds like the closer you can get back together, the less he will have an interest.

I really do think that you have a good chance here with your partner to get back together. Just sounds like you’re a little bit disconnected, but it’s nothing that some deep conversations can’t fix. Do you agree? Are you willing to try talking more and maybe trying some new things?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

These are great! Now the task at hand is to figure out how you can determine at least some of these things before you go through the trouble of meeting someone. I do think you can tell a lot from someone’s profile, and it’s also not wrong to ask.
I actually recommend having a phone call, or even a video meeting (especially in today’s world where it’s not that safe to go out and meet too many people). You can learn a lot about someone this way and it’s also less nerve wracking. You can be in the comfort of your own home, you don’t have to get all dressed up to go out and realize that you don’t like someone, or that they don’t match up with you on a specific dealbreaker.

What do you think of that idea?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Linda,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are going through a rough patch. It’s always difficult when someone is pulling away, and won’t be transparent with you about what the issues are. Often it’s because they may not even really know themselves! Have you asked him what is going on with him and why he’s being distant and pulling away? Did anything happen between the two of you before this behaviour that you think could have something to do with it?

In terms of the porn, while I don’t believe that porn is inherently wrong, it can often signify a lack of connection in a relationship, but there can be many reasons why the man is doing it. Sometimes it’s because he feels a lack within himself and doesn’t feel like he can satisfy you, so it’s easier to get his needs met somewhere else than to engage. Other times there could be some other issue that he’s simply not expressing. Or it could be that he’s tired, or overwhelmed and it’s simply easier. Whatever the reason, if he’s doing it behind your back instead of connecting with you as his lover, it’s an issue.

He said that he’s “not satisfied”. Do you have any more info as to what he means by that? Do you think there’s a way that he two of you can work towards satisfaction together? Which brings me to my next question which is: are you satisfied?

If neither one of you is, this could be a good sign that it’s time to start connecting more deeply. If you want to save the relationship, that’s going to be what you’ll have to do.

Tell me more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nia,

At this point, he is likely scared of you. Whether or not he enjoyed the sex and also the connection with you, it’s clear that he’s not ready or willing to blow up his life and make big changes. But at this point, he doesn’t know what you are wanting or planning to do and so I’m sure he’s terrified of that fact.

I don’t know if I believe you that you are ok with just connecting with him as friends and he may not either. Also, he may not know if you can just be friends anymore. Unfortunately once that bridge is crossed, it’s difficult to go back. Do you really think that you can do it? Or is contacting him as a friend just a way to try and get back together with him for something more? I just don’t see this ending well for you…

But if you are insistent on contacting him, here’s what I would say to do. First off, for god’s sake, why are you contacting him on a work email? No wonder he’s frightened of you! Do you want everyone in your workplace to see that you are connected to each other? So please, don’t do that!
Send him a personal message and let him know what you just said here.

What I miss most is having a friend that I can talk to about anything in the world and that is what I had with him before it turned into an actual affair and I think this is what I want back and not the affair

If he feels the same, maybe that will open a door to further communication. If not, then you have to let go and move on.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

I do agree that these are good dealbreakers, and definitely ones that you should hold onto. But they are also all surface level, and I think we have to go deeper if we are going to limit your dating and enable you to find a good match.

I understand that you want someone who on the outside is doing well. Someone who is health conscious and takes care of their body. Someone who is ambitious and motivated. But what else?

If they have a job, does it matter what kind of job that they have? Are you ok with a guy who works at a fast food restaurant or drives a garbage truck? How someone chooses to make their money does say something about who they are in the world, at least a little.

What about kids? That can be a big one for people. Do you want them? Is it important that he want them?

But really it’s also about how they treat you, and how you feel around them, that’s what I’m really talking about.

Can you come up with any others?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Thanks for the well wishes! My heating system did eventually get fixed, and the weather went back to more normal weather for this area, which is in 50s-60s so it hasn’t been as bad as it was when we had the cold snap and no heat. Cest la vie…we are about to move anyway!

Holland does sound great! Despite the fact that it’s a whole other continent, from what I hear it’s a really lovely place, and so many of the Europeans that I meet, especially from that region, just go on and on about how great their country of origin is. So it could be a really nice change! I’m sure that most everyone speaks English, and there is surely a nice ex-pat community there. It might be easier to meet someone from the States or Canada, as whoever you do meet is bound to be a bit more interesting than your average joe. Because it’s not everyone who has the kind of adventurous spirit it takes to move around the world. But you do! So it could be a really good fit for you.

The pay being less is a bit of a downer, but maybe you can make up for that with renting out your house, since it sounds like you probably won’t come back that often. Traveling around Europe sounds much more interesting…
Anyway, I’m definitely excited for you and to hear how it all plays out.

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nia,

It does sound like the situation with your husband is not a good one, and I don’t blame you for wanting to get out of the relationship. If that’s what you decide to do, I fully support it. It doesn’t sound like he has any faith in you or your marriage, and maybe it doesn’t matter what you do, he might just feel that way anyway. But more of what I think it is is along the lines of what you said: He can sense that you don’t love him so he’s insecure and jealous. He is just waiting for you to leave. And like I said, if that’s the way you feel, you shouldn’t be with him. It’s not fair to you to be with someone who is so insecure about your relationship that they don’t even want you ro have any friends. And it’s also not fair to him to stay with someone who you don’t actually want to be with. It’s kinder for both of you to be honest, especially if you don’t see things changing.

That’s between you and him. But then there’s the issue between you and (I know you want me to say your neighbor but there’s someone else that’s more important) YOU! Why are you so intent on having someone in the wings? Why are you not enough for you? You sound like an attractive, intelligent and charismatic woman. Why do you feel like you need to have a man’s attention in order to be happy and fulfilled?

If you really respected yourself, you wouldn’t be chasing after the neighbor because he is showing you that he doesn’t respect you as a partner nor does he want to be with you. If someone wants you, you will know it. He’s ignoring you. So what you really should be focused on is your own self respect and putting your life in order.
How do you get him to talk to you? What are you expecting that he will say? His silence should tell you everything that you want to know…

I’m sorry as I know that none of this is what you want to hear, but I would not feel right lying to you, and from my years of experience, this is what I’m telling you. You can choose to believe it or not, take my advice or not, but this is what I can say.

I want you to be loved, cherished, adored, and supremely happy. So my goal is to help you get that. But I don’t see that happening if you keep continuing down the road that you’re on.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ah yes, I think that we talked about this before, but from what I remember, your dealbreakers and what you were looking for did not seem realistic to me. That’s why I’m asking again and how come I think that you might be getting drained.

For example, as mentioned, a dealbreaker to me would be someone making me drive someplace far to meet with them, or even coming to them instead of coming to me. A dealbreaker would certainly be if someone told me on the way to meet them that they had to work and that I should just come hang out with them while they worked. That’s all a HUGE dealbreaker to me.

So do you mind refreshing my memory as to what your top 3-5 dealbreakers are? We may need to work on these so that way you can have a bit more success with this, and stop wasting energy going on dates with guys who aren’t going to pan out to anything…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Belinda,

Where is your communication with him now? I think we need to really understand where we are starting from and what he is willing to do in order to “get the ball rolling”, as you say. If someone is not willing to make any steps towards reconciliation, or not able to recognize their part in the breakdown of the relationship and do anything to change that, there’s not much that you can do.

You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change…that’s just the way it is…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That is really a good decision! All of the people who are in that support group have been through what you are going through and understand how best to navigate the situation. It will help you to realize that you are not alone in dealing with this. Also it can help you to feel better about your part in the relationship, and maybe also help you to look a bit deeper at your addictive habits. I’m sure it will be a great help!

Let us know how else we can support you 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Emily,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! Sounds like you’re a very fun and motivated person, who goes for what they want in life and has no problem proactively making things happen. As an alpha female myself, I can relate!

Something that can happen hough to people with our kind of personality though, is that we hink that if we are just assertive enough, we will be able o get what we want in every situation, and while I wish that were true, it’s not always the case when we are dealing with other people and their intricate inner emotions and personal characteristics.

Thing is, it sounds like you are trying to make this person into someone that he’s not, and likely will never be. Saying to someone, “in order for us to be with me I need you to do A,B,C, and D never really works, unless someone is already doing those things because it feels vibrant and important for them to do so. Sure you can get someone to make some positive changes here and here and call it progress for all involved, but if its not that person’s deep personal mission, the changes won’t stick.

It sounds like he’s a deep thinker with some awareness of how he might come across to others, so it’s likely that he’s realizing that he can’t be what you want him to be, and so is pulling away. Unfortunately another common thing among millenials is ghosting, as it’s common to feel disconnected to people when most of your communication isn’t through face to face communication.

If you really like this guy and want to pursue something with him then I’d say go for it. But do be aware that in order to be happy with him, you will have to be happy with who he is, as he is, and not expect him to be someone else.

But to be honest, it sounds like he’s more of a project than a partner, and I wonder why you are so keen to be with someone who you have to change…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shannon,

Thank you for sharing more about what’s happening. I’m glad to hear that your son is getting support, and you are as well. As for your husband, the drug use definitely puts things into a different light so thank you for your transparency around that.

If you’ve been with him for 23 years, then I’m sure you understand how addicts work. They never want to take responsibility for their addictions, and they are never willing to admit that their addiction is the cause of whatever negativity or stress is happening. So it makes sense that rather than look at himself and what he needs to change (ie doing drugs), he blames you and your addictions, and anything else that he can find to blame. Now not to compare addictions, but while a shopping addiction is not a fun thing and can cause harm, it still pales in comparison to opioid addiction and alcoholism, which can very easily kill you and others if you’re not careful. But rather than look at how he is messing up, he’d rather put the blame on you. Unfortunately, an addict that is not ready and willing to change will do anything that they can to not stop doing their drug. Lie, cheat, steal, and put themselves and loved ones in very dangerous situations.

I’m sorry to hear that he is using again, but now it makes sense that he would be leaving. He is choosing the drugs over your family, and that’s a devastating thing that addicts do all of the time. And unfortunately, until he realizes that he could lose it all and recognizes that he doesn’t want to, there’s absolutely nothing that you can do to make him change. Anything that he’s upset with you about or blames you for is just a way for him to have an excuse to go do drugs.

So you’ve been down this road before I’m sure. I know it’s tough to let go of someone that you love so deeply, and is the father to your child, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to be caught in this roller coaster with him, and put your son through it as well? Right now you are willing to take the blame and ride the ride, and that’s not going to help your situation. Do you think he’s going to change or see the light? If he does, it will only happen if he’s faced with losing everything.

If you haven’t already, you may want to check out your local Al-anon chapter. There you can connect with others who are in a similar situation and I’m sure you’ll find some great support there and people who can really relate.

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nia,

It’s fine for you to want the relationship back with your neighbor, as long as you’re aware of the fact that it’s unlikely to happen. First off, he does not sound remotely interested in blowing up his life for the fling that he had with you. Love grows over time and healthy love is based on compatible goals, common interests, and deep desire to overcome any obstacles to be together. I’m sorry but I have to blunt with you. It sounds like your neighbor is bored in his marriage and used you for a fun and sexy distraction. That’s it. He is not in love with you. And the sooner that you recognize that, the better off you will be. To assume that it was simply because you texted too much and if you had texted less, he would still be “in love” is really just fooling yourself.

The only thing those texts did were show him that you want something more intensive than he did. Which is true, and would have come to the surface anyway. So maybe if you hadn’t texed as much he may not have realized that immediately, and you could have gotten into bed with him a few more times, but a good and healthy relationship is not built off lies.If he left his wife for you, within a short amount of time he’d leave you for someone else. Because there are no healthy lines of communication being built here. I’m not going to advise you on how to get back with him because I don’t see anything to get back to. I’m sorry if you don’t like that advice.

It terms of your husband, while it’s not mature, healthy, or kind the way that he’s acting either, his behaviour is right in line with how humans react when they do not feel safe in a relationship. Even though you may not talk about it, it sounds like your husband can sense that something is not right. He knows that you are not in love with him and that you’re looking for a way out. So he’s trying to control your actions because he’s scared of you leaving him. He figures if he has you in his sight at all times, he will be more comfortable. But that’s a difficult road to follow as well.

I think that you have some tough decisions to make. I don’t believe that you have to stay with your husband, but if you separate from him, you must do so because you really want to and be ok with the idea that you will be alone. In short, you can’t divorce him for someone else who isn’t even talking to you and is certainly not saying the same. Even if he was, I wouldn’t advise that.

It sounds like you feel strong and confident in certain ways, and you should lean into that. Think about what do you really want for Nia? Not for anyone else. Not because you think that doing something will get you someone else. But if you were going to be alone, would you still divorce your husband? Or is this because of the neighbor. You must release your desire for him. He is not responding and he’s not going to be your saviour.

xoxo
Spyce

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