[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

I’m so glad that our advice is helping you! It’s always nice as a coach to have women who are receptive to your ideas, and are willing to look at themselves with honesty and courage. You seem like a really deep thinking, highly intelligent, and loving person, and I know that you can and will have the love that you deserve. Love where you are met and matched perfectly. There are men that can love the way that you do, it’s ju7st about learning to separate the wheat from the chaff as they say. It seems to me that this can be a good learning experience even though it’s of course, painful.

I wouldn’t say that he was outright lying to you about who he was or even about how he felt, but I think he was living in a fantasy, and trying to draw you into it. The fact is, he could be a very lonely and depressed person who doesn’t have any real connections in real life. So then he meets a beautiful woman from another country who is willing to go deep with him into his fantasy life…well it’s a very heady thing. I don’t get the feeling that he had ill intentions as much as he can’t live up to the fantasy that he created and he knows it. He likely feels shame about that, and so rather than face the truth, he retreated.

Thank you for sharing more about your relationship with the other man. It makes so much sense that you would fall hard for this gamer. He was giving and promising to you, everything that you’ve desperately wanted to hear for the last 6 years from your partner. It’s not surprising that you would be drawn like a moth to a flame. Finally, someone who is willing to give the depth of connection that you’ve been trying to have all of this time. Don’t fault yourself for falling in so deep. Many of us have done the same, present company included.

In terms of your ex, I hope that you have gotten him out of your system, but I understand how that can be difficult to do as well. he dance of the anxious/avoidant is fierce. Do you know about attachment theory? Reading up on that may give you some deep insight. But essentially, he more he pulls back, the more you move forward, trying to get back to that state of closeness that you have had, and know that you could have, if only he will give in and let himself fully be with you like you know that he can be. It’s a rough road.

It’s true that promises can be empty, and words without actions can ring very hollow, but I promise you that not all men are unreliable. But once again, you have to learn how to recognize them right away, and not let yourself be pulled in by them.

I understand about this previous relationship, but I’m sure it goes back further, as it always does. Can you remember the first man that ever made you a promise that he didn’t come through on?

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Big changes, hmm? So exciting! Crazy about that job offer from BC…I know that you’re all about planning, and while I am too, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be tempted…after all, you haven’t actually moved yet. It’s not actually too late, is it? I just would be curious to at least look at it. I mean, could it be possible to switch gears? What would happen if you did? It’s a fun thought to go down that road, if even just to think about it…But maybe that’s just me!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I guess Heidi and I’s messages crossed paths! Oh well, you get the double whammy 😉

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

First off, I want to send some love and care to you and your hurting heart. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this heartbreak. Having someone ghost can be a difficult pill to swallow, and it’s human nature for us to take on the blame and assume that we did something wrong. That somehow we weren’t enough or didn’t say the right thing, or if we’d only have done XYZ, things would have turned out differently. As a long term relationship coach, I’m here to tell you that’s not the case, and so rarely is.

Normally I wouldn’t recommend deleting messages, but in this case, I can agree that retracting them is better than having your innermost feelings out there without even a clue as to whether or not he’s even seeing them. So am I right in thinking then that you never had a phone conversation or video call? I understand that it was all the “the game”but you’ll have to forgive me as I’m not a gamer, so I’m not entirely sure what that means.

Regardless though, I want to remind you of a something. You may not want to hear this exactly because I know that you felt like you had something very real with him, but the nature of how you were connecting is based in fantasy. Because this was all virtual, there are many things that he could have been hiding about who he is. After all, people hide huge portions of their lives even when they meet in person! So behind the screen allows for an even much deeper level of deception.

I’m only saying this to help you realize that what you had with him wasn’t as rare as you thought, because it actually wasn’t real. But the feeling you had was real, because that feeling is something that is generated inside of you. And if you’d like, you can find that connection IRL with someone and actually have a healthy and sustainable, fulfilling relationship. You are obviously capable of deep connection, so my question really isn’t about this person, but more about you and your past? What has stopped you from feeling this way before about someone else?

You’re right about a lot of things. He did lovebomb you and you have every right to be mad. He’s being selfish, immature, and a real jerk. But here’s the truth. That’s more likely who he is than the guy he played himself to be a few weeks ago. So do you really want to be with someone like that? You deserve better and you know it.

As you said, You don’t leave someone whom you like that much and who likes you so much just “like that” without discussing together these important things.

You’re right, you don’t. A least not if you’re a mature person who knows who they are, and are ready to connect in the deep way that you are desiring from him.

You have to let it go. Not because of him being “over you” or not “liking you” but for you, for your self respect. I’m so sorry girl, but he isn’t, nor was he ever who you thought he was. It was a fun fantasy that could never survive in the light of day because the players, at least one, were just that: players.

You have to move on, stronger, wiser, and knowing that you have this deep capacity in you to find a love that’s real and true.

Do you think that you can do that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sandra,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Just wanted to let you know that if you’re having trouble expressing yourself, there are many apps that can help with that. Even google translate is good! You can type in your language and it will write it out in any other language that you want. It’s a great way to talk with people in a non-native language.

Anyway, back to your situation! So before we delve too deep, I have a few questions.
You said: i really think we could be great together
Why? What is it about your time spent with him that makes you think that?

You also are saying that you had a boyfriend, were talking with this guy, and then when you broke up with the original boyfriend you immediately started getting closer with this guy. Is that the case?

And then once the 2nd guy knew that you were free, he started pulling away. That’s what happens! Often a guy who is talking with someone who already has a partner it’s because that person feels safe to them. They can just be the sounding board for that woman when she vents about her man, and the good guy who isn’t doing all the lame stuff that the boyfriend is doing. But they don’t want to be the boyfriend. They want to be the friend with benefits. I assume that’s what you meant by: if i wanted to do some activities he wanted to do them with me and who knows what can happen

That’s a load of BS right there, my friend.

I don’t know, he seems like a player at worst and confused at best. Tell me more and I’ll do my best to help you decipher on which side of the coin he lies!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and we are glad to have you here on the forum! It certainly is a very heady thing to meet someone that you have such a strong connection to, especially if it feels like a rare thing that has never happened to you. It can feel intensely wonderful, but also as you mentioned, incredibly scary as well.

The thing that seems to be happening here is what is normal to happen in these kinds of situations and that is this: jumping in too fast and making assumptions about who this person is and is going to be in your life.

Yes you feel all these things but in reality, they are just that. Feelings. They are not based on anything in reality. You have never been in each other’s presences, in each other’s arms. You have never looked into each other’s eyes except through a screen. Much of what you are feeling towards him might actually be a fantasy, and not the reality of who he is in his daily life, and how you would feel being with him in his daily life.

For example: you mentioned how he sleeps all the time and you are out living life. How do you think that would feel or work if you were there with him? If you’d moved your entire life to a different country to be with him?

My main advice is to slow your roll, as we say here in the US.

I understand how intensely your emotions are for him, and it sounds like they are the same for him. But all that this intensity is doing is scaring him and making him pull away, and putting you in a state of upset. So you have to pull back and try to just get to know him more.

So instead of writing to him and professing your undying love to him, why not just talk to him openly about these things? How quickly this has been and how scary that is, and how can you pull back and get to know each other so there is a stronger foundation here from which to build upon? It’s too easy right now for him to pull away because all that he’s presented with from you is this crazy intensity. Get to know him as a person, not just someone on a screen. Be willing to figure out first if you are soulmates based on the realities of your life, as opposed to the emotions expressed virtually.

That’s the first step, in my opinion.
Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Candice,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! We are glad that you are here, as it takes a lot of hard work to get to where you are, and I want to commend you for your strength and courage. You have been through loss, grief, pain, and struggle, and it seems like you are in a great place now. That’s something to be celebrated and to be proud of. But I understand how the shame can creep in and make you feel otherwise.

Speaking of that, I’m so sorry to hear that you experienced someone throwing your pain into your face during sensitive times. That’s very traumatic and really awful, and you certainly did not deserve that. People make mistakes in life and no one is perfect, and the fact that you have been able to rise up out of that speaks volumes about your character. Anyone who would shame you and use that against you is showing you everything you need to know about their character. I’m very glad to hear that you are no longer with that person.

In terms of the new guy, here’s the thing. If you are going to have a healthy and sustaining relationship, he is going to have to accept you and your past, warts and all. You are still in recovery, and will likely be in some form of recovery for a long time. You need to be upfront about that with someone who you want to build a strong connection with. Also, I think that by being upfront about it, it not only shows that you are an open and honest person who is committed to doing right by yourself and loved ones, it also takes the shame out of it. It takes it out of this place in the dark where it’s hidden as something bad about you, and you can reframe it as something incredible that you’ve accomplished, despite the hardships you’ve faced.

We are in a real epidemic in our country with opiates being prescribed to people for pain and that causing people to become so dependant on them. Eventually, as you said, turning to cheaper street drugs because now they need the drug in order to get through the day. It’s a systemic issue that is very upsetting and close to my heart.

To be honest, I have quite a few addicts that I have been close to over the years and they are some of the best people I know. Their struggles have made them stronger than most people, and the fact that you were able to stop and get help, is just so incredible and awe inspiring. Not everyone has that ability and unfortunately I too have lost people to opiates. You are strong, you are brave, you got out. You really don’t have to keep berating yourself or focusing on the negative of your past. Instead focus on the positive of your present and future.

In terms of when to tell this person, I think it goes back to what I was just saying. Recovery is a big part of your life and it’s important to be transparent about how vital that is for you. The longer you wait to tell him, the longer it will appear as a secret that you are ashamed of, instead of a fantastic thing that deserves to be celebrated and appreciated.

Look, he may have his own triggers around the subject and that’s ok. If you can try to hold space for him to have his feelings without immediately assuming that he doesn’t want to be with you, you may be on to something special. And you have no idea how he might react. But like I said, I think it’s all in the reframe. You feel me?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Debbie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Sorry to hear that you’re confused, but I can understand why you’re feeling that way. You’ve been out of the dating world for quite awhile, and you’re out of practice. Also your friend’s mixed messages are not making it easy! Let me break down what I think is going on.

I don’t think it’s necessarily that he’s a player, but he may not be ready or available for a full blown relationship. Or he may not know what he wants. Oftentimes men find it fun to flirt and keep things light. The thrill is based on that, but they are not necessarily looking for anything deeper.

You said that he messaged a lot while out of town and that makes sense. When someone is on vacation, or out of their daily routine, they generally not only have more time for play, they are also more willing to entertain things that don’t actually fit into their everyday life. Then they come back to “the grind” and it’s difficult to keep up with what they’ve created in their off time.

I also wonder how available he sees you as. You mentioned having a child that requires a lot of time and energy, so he might assume that you’re not looking for anything serious either, and that you just want to enjoy the time you have when you have it.

So my first question then is, what do you want? Do you want a committed relationship with this person, or is is just nice to have a distraction while going through a divorce? If you’re just getting out of a 20 year marriage, are you ready to delve into something else? These are all important things to think about!

Look forward to hearing back from you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It can be so difficult when someone is far away and we are not able to be with you, and even know what’s actually going on. It sounds very difficult, but please fill me in on more of what’s happening.

So he moved away, and it sounds like that was for work? But it also sounds like you were having issues even before that? I ask because if someone is part of a family, they don’t just move away and start dating someone else. So the relationship must have been going through changes if he left like that. What happened between “being involved” and him moving away?

I also question the relationship that he has or doesn’t with your shared child. If he’s not contacting you, then I assume that he’s not contacting your son either, or contacting you about your son? If that’s the case, that’s a bigger issue.

So please share more about your situation so we can fully understand the bigger picture, and we can be that much more able to advise you.

Looking forward,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you feel neglected by your family, and that he doesn’t make you and your child a priority. It can be so tough to feel like you don’t come first, even if you are playing second fiddle to work, and not to another person. Although it sounds like that happened too?

However, it does appear to me that there is more going on than he just being into his job. It sounds like you are not that connected as husband and wife, partners, or lovers. Do you have common interests that you share? Things that you like yo do together? How did you first meet and start dating? What was your connection like when you first got married? Was there something that happened or at some particular point where he started to pull back and spend more time at work?
It sounds like there might be as you say: We both understand how the affair took place, what caused it etc.
That leads me to believe that there is more going on here, and of course, there always is! Humans are complex creatures.

If he’s so consumed by business and money, he must understand that everything comes with a cost, and you give up one thing to get another. Yes you may have money, but money doesn’t buy love and happiness. And if he is too focused on making money, he may wind up losing other precious things in his life, namely his family. I’m wondering if you’ve ever expressed anything like that to him…

Anyway, those are enough questions to get us started. I look forward to learning more about you and how I can help you create a deeper connection with your husband.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Yvonne,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! So first off, I just have to say to you, be very very careful. I have been online for many years and your story just reeks of all the scams I have ever heard of. I’m really sorry to have to tell you that, but it’s important for us at coaches here to be truthful.

You have never met him and he lives in another country. Absolutely every single thing that he is telling you could be a lie. He could be married with a bunch of kids. he could be unemployed. He could be dealing with legal issues. he could be an abuser. There are just so many unknowns.

You said that you have an amazing connection. Can you please tell me more? Do you talk on the phone? Do you do video calls? How often? How did you meet?

I really would love to believe as you do that this is a real connection, but it is just fraught with way too many red flags for me to give in to the fantasy just yet. Please tell me more!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well then the best thing that you can do is to take things slowly and really get to know him. I think it would also be great to commit to working on yourself along the way. Because if this could be something real that’s wonderful and safe, you don’t want to miss out on it because the demons from the past rear their ugly heads and lead you to think that you don’t deserve it, or that it will all fall apart, or whatever nonsense they tell you to get you to run away.

Speaking of, what is it that makes you feel afraid and ready to run? It’s good to get a handle on those while they are not actively happening, so that way you are prepared when you do get triggered by something, and you don’t make the mistake of trying to handle it in the moment. So please do share more about what those triggers may be so we can get a head of them!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Of course it’s scary, it’s a big move! And I am the Queen of moves, lol! But while I have lived in another country (Mexico) I still have never moved all the way across the world. I can understand that it’s daunting. But also exciting of course! So many new adventures, and also you will be leaving the current job, which you have expressed despising many a time. And of course you will have the constant of Heidi and I, so hopefully that will be comforting.

I’m sure your sons mus be happy for you as well, and it’s certainly exciting for them too! Who doesn’t want to be able to visit Europe and have a place to stay? And if Trav gets to move there, he will be a lucky guy! I guess I’ve just always been interested in spending more time there, so I for one am excited to live vicariously through you 🙂

Yes, I did grow up observing Judaism in a rather strict way, and it’s not surprising that being an Orthodox Jew is more stringent than through a Christian lens. While that lifestyle was present at a pivotal point in my life, by the time I was a teenager my mother was not really so observant anymore, and it fell away for me as well. It was too traditional, and I am not so much. I do still relate to the Jewish culture in many ways, but I am not religious at this point, nor do I observe the Sabbath, just occasional holidays.

I can understand wanting to keep the house and it’s definitely a smart move. I am also a realtor and investor, so I have a lot of experience with houses. I own a rental property and it’s been a good experience for me. There is a lot that goes into getting it ready for rental, and depending on where you are a lot that goes into being a landlord, but it can also be managed by a property management company that make it easy for you.
For three years my house was an Airbnb, which was the best of both worlds. It could be making money throughout the year and not just sitting vacant, and then when I wanted to visit, I would just block out the dates and it was all set up for me. Pretty great! Just something to consider. I did have some friends who I greatly trust who helped me manage it though and that made all the difference. Not sure how it would have gone without them.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Heidi,

I totally believe that it’s possible to have companionship, intimacy, and a fun connection without getting too intimately involved, or getting hurt. The way to do so, is to be really clear about what you’re doing, and what you want from the situation.
I’ve seen it done many a time, as well as experienced this myself.

But the key, is like I said, to be really clear about what you want, and I have to say, it doesn’t sound like you are. It sounds like you’re clear that you can simply run away if things get too intense, but that’s not the same thing. Also, you say that I start feeling something more I will need to get out to avoid getting hurt but then you say that if he can’t eventually see more, that’d be his loss not mine.
So which is it? Do you want it to be more or don’t you?

If you’re not clear about what you really want, you’re really just setting yourself up for pain and heartache and what fun is that? I mean, maybe it’s better to love and lose than to never love at all but the jury is out on that one for me!

So I’m wondering if we could get to the crux of what it is that you truly want, and what’s stopping you from getting it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

How exciting! I’m so glad to hear that things are working out and moving forward with these new changes. A whole new country and all the way around the world. Sounds amazing. I’m so happy for you!

That’s interesting about the Sabbath, and I can relate as I grew up Jewish. So we actually kept the sabbath on Saturdays as well, and when I was growing up, we were pretty strict about it. So yes, no driving, watching TV or talking on the phone, no cooking or turning on lights. Even brushing your teeth was a no no! It’s always interesting to me when I meet people that are Christian that followed the same rules and guidelines as I did. Fascinating!

I wouldn’t beat yourself up or worry too much about Trav. Of course he’s your kid and you will always worry about him, but he needs to be out on his own, and like you said, it sounds like has been for awhile. Besides, this might be a good impetus for him, and with you being there, perhaps there will be some opportunities for him to be able to come live there with you, and experience a new culture. I feel like it’s going to be good for everyone all around!

And that’s great that there’s a company designed to help you relocate. Wonderful! Have you decided yet what you are going to do about your house?

xoxo
Spyce

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