[Coach Spyce]

Hi Suda,

Thanks for letting me know more about you and your past. It makes sense that if you grew up in a family where your parents were together but not happy, you think that it’s ok to be unhappy and dissatisfied in a relationship, as long as you’re still together. That has probably taught you that the most important thing is to be with someone, and that there’s something wrong with being alone. You’ve said it yourself. To be single is to be a “loser”. So you chase after the man because that’s the most important thing. When really the more important thing is to be happy, satisfied, and respected.

So the first step in making these changes is to have your own self respect and set up some very strong and healthy boundaries. That means that you have to sit back and wait for him to come to you. It’s not enough that he texts back, answers your call, or takes you out if you ask him. He has to be the one to initiate all of these things. And if he doesn’t, you have to be willing to let him go.

You can’t change him, you can only change your own behaviour and if he really wants to be with you then he will make the changes. But the only way to make him reach out to you is to stop reaching out to him and then see what happens.

You say that you are willing to give up this relationship, so perhaps that’s good. If you already know that he may not be “the one” it’s a perfect situation to set some boundaries up in and see what he does. You have nothing really to lose. Hopefully you can stick to this plan and not chase after him, as you already know that it doesn’t work to be that way. If you want to do something different, this is it. Do you think that you can do this? Any part of it feel like it will be difficult?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Suda,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! We are glad that you are here as it sounds like you are telling yourself some really sad stories. You have some deeply ingrained patterns that need to be broken in order to have a healthy and happy relationship. But the good news is, we can help! And the better news is that it’s not about him, it’s all about you. So you have the power to make the necessary changes.

So let’s start with this. As you mentioned, you have low self esteem. Where does that come from? What was your childhood like? What were your parent’s relationship like? How did you see your mother act in relationship? Your father? What did you learn about love? These things are all really important and inform how we make decisions in our own relationships once we are out in the world having them.

You said: I have never had success in any relationship. I am not sure because I picked the wrong partners, or the problem is that I don’t trust anyone.
Here’s the thing: one hand feeds the other. Meaning that you don’t trust yourself and so you pick the wrong partners. It’s not that you don’t trust anyone else (although that may be true as well) but you don’t believe that you are worthy of love so you settle for being with people who are showing you that they aren’t trustworthy.

Like this man here. You;ve sad it yourself, the relationship is toxic. I think that you are right about that. So why do you want to be with someone who is like that? Why do you want to be with someone that you have to plead for attention, who doesn’t treat you like a priority? He is disrespecting you and you are disrespecting yourself by continuing to spend time with him. Of course he will come back and tell you what you want to hear because he knows that you will respond. But what is he actually giving you that’s good and healthy?

You said: I’m too scared to be a loser in a relationship again. I do need more love, care, text, and time. How can I get that from him?

The answer is you can’t. Because HE is a loser. He is not equipped to give you any of that and he’s shown that from the beginning. The only way that you will be a loser is if you continue to try and make it work with someone who is so unable to give you what you need and deserve. It’s not that you are too much, he is not enough. The sooner that you can realize that, the better!

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Wow, sorry to hear that things are so difficult! It’s not surprising that it’s a big learning curve and undertaking to move to a foreign country. While I do understand what Heidi is trying to say, and regret is certainly no place to get stuck in, I do actually have a different take on things that I’d like to share.

I strongly believe that there is a reason for everything and nothing is a coincidence. I also believe that when you’re meant to do something, things fall into place. And if you keep being met with opposition, maybe something isn’t meant to be. Sure you have to work hard sometimes to accomplish something that you really want, but that’s the thing…is this what you really want?

It’s no coincidence in my mind that BC came along right at that very last moment. Many things come into our lives as a lesson and it could be that this is a test of you’re how well you are willing to love yourself above anyone else. And how much are you willing to put your own needs and wants aside to make other people happy or to “do what’s right”. I have to be honest with you, from what I know of you, you do that a LOT. You grew up doing that. You were groomed to do that, and maybe enough is enough.

I’m glad to hear that you’ve contacted the BC people because I don’t think it’s wrong to want to follow that thread and see what’s possible. I mean, what would actually be the worst thing that happened if you told Bob that it wasn’t going to work out there? You have been miserable at your job and living someplace where you were unhappy since I met you, and I know it’s been longer than that. Life is short. Why give it 6 months, or a year, or anytime at all if you’re not happy? You could die tomorrow or next year. Go for your dreams. Do what makes you happy.

You had even mentioned that you’re working from home right now, so why do they need you there? If you feel bad about leaving them prematurely, then offer up that. Tell them that you will stay on with the work while they find someone else but you want to go back home. Ask for what you want and you just might get it. You only live once and you deserve to be happy.

I’m rooting for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Patricia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m wondering if you’re a bit confused about what you want, because after reading your question, I certainly am! You may not be meaning to, but you are really giving some mixed messages. Let’s break down what I mean.

So you say that you met a man at work. That’s actually the first big no no for dating. As they say, don’t poop where you eat! You have to go to work everyday. What if the relationship or the hook up doesn’t work out? Then you still have to see the person whether you want to or not, whether it’s painful or enjoyable, you have no choice. But what’s done is done and you can’t change that now, but just a word of advice for next time.

Then you say that you told him that you didn’t have time for a relationship and were looking for something casual. You solidified that by sleeping with him on the first date. Rarely do you sleep with someone on the first date if you’re looking for something serious with them, or with anyone. If you do want commitment, you have to take time to get to know the person, not sleep with them right away, which you know as you said that too. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone right away, and if you were serious about wanting something casual then your actions would have been right in line with your words, but guessing by the rest of what you’re telling us, I’m thinking that casual is not what you actually want at all. Is that true?

It also seems like you’re making this too much about what he wants. So you want something casual but then he says that he wants to be exclusive. So what did you say then? Then he said that he can’t commit. Did you ever ask for commitment from him? Why are you just following his lead with all of this?

It seems like you got really attached the moment that he expressed interest in something deeper, and now you’re making the lack of commitment (that you said that didn’t want) all about you and how there must be something wrong with you, when neither of you even knew the other person at all.

Can you see why I’m confused and why he’s pulling away? No one has any idea what you want…So that’s the important part here. You need to figure out exactly what you want and express that. That’s the only way that you can ever get it. Do you see what I’m saying?

Let me know your thoughts,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello beautiful Charlotte,

Thank you for sharing all of this and for letting me know more about your family dynamic. I can understand why you are so focused on male attention and it does make sense with how your parents were. You weren’t able to have your dad in your life as much as you liked, and you felt kept away from him by your mother. He became the prize in your eyes, and it sounds like he is a lovely person. None of this is to blame anyone, it’s simply a self exploration tool to take a deeper look at the patterns that you’ve developed based on the experiences that you’ve had in life, and take whatever wisdom you can from the situation to have the best life possible that you can, at every moment!

I do actually believe what you mean about how exhilarating it feels to have that push and pull of love and lust. It’s intoxicating and addicting. Love can be a very powerful drug, and when you get a taste of it in this way that you’ve always wanted and then have it pulled away, it can feel like withdrawal. And this is what I think that you’re feeling with the Gamer. It’s really just chemical.

Because look at it this way…what is it that you actually received from him? What did he actually give you that’s uniquely from him? You never even met him in person. Everything that you believe about him is coming from inside of you, your fantasy life. That’s why it’s so powerful. Because it’s everything that you’ve made up and have wanted for so long. He told you, “I’m going to give that to you”. But did he? Did he actually give you anything but a feeling that you felt because you chose to live in your fantasy world?

A real life relationship will be full of ups and downs, and of course will not be as exciting as this fantasy world. But when you can find someone who is willing to live in the fantasy with you, it can be very enticing. So have you thought about that? If you’re someone who isn’t looking for a committed or monogamous relationship, have you thought about just finding someone who wants to play with fantasy? Have you thought about exploring the non-monogamous and/or kink world? when done safely, these can be very illuminating spaces to traverse and can really help you plumb the depths of your psyche and the limits of the pleasure or pain experience, the whole body experience, if you will.

I have a lot of knowledge in this arena, so let me know if you want to discuss more!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out and sharing your story! Navigating relationships can be difficult, so we are glad that you are here trying to get some clarity on what to do in your relationship.

I want to start off by saying that you are still very new to each other, and four months isn’t that long to really get to know someone, especially if you are only seeing each other a few times per month, and are also meeting in a vacuum, ie not involving each other in other facets of your life. Now I’m not saying that you should, especially when it comes to introducing children, but I am stating that things are still very new. But it does seem that meeting his friends at least is important o you and that he was planning to introduce you in December. what’s the reason that hasn’t happened yet?

You seem to be very focused on wanting to know right now if this is going to be a long term thing and while I can appreciate not wanting to waste time, I’m wondering what the urgency is. How long have you been single?
And then I’m wondering, is your life open and available for a full time relationship?

The awkwardness that you’re mentioning to me doesn’t indicate a lack of interest. It might be that he is actually very interested, and feels nervous. Or maybe he can sense that you’re wanting something more than what he’s currently offering and/or having your own doubts and so he’s afraid that you’re about to jump ship. If he does in fact feel that way, that could also be why he’s reluctant to fully bring you into his world. You can’t really fault him for that.

In terms of the eye contact and words of affirmation, I’m assuming that you know about love languages? it could be that your love languages are different. Maybe his is acts of service, or gifts, and so he’s doing what comes naturally to him to express his feelings, but it’s not what you see as expressive of the feelings you’re looking for.

You seem to be concerned that he doesn’t want to be with you, when from what you’re telling us, I see no indication that he’s expressing that in either word or actions.So my question really is for you to ponder…why do you feel like he’s uninterested? Is there something in you that feels unlovable, or undeserving? That could be a really good place to look at to get to the bottom of this.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Wow, this is an incredible and very quick change. I hope that you;re giving yourself some compassion for everything hat you’ve been through lately. It sounds like you need a boatload of some intensive self care!!

The basics, right? Get some food in you, and try to get a decent night’s sleep. It’s good to hear that you’ll be able to move to a more convenient and comfortable area. Being someplace noisy and far from where you need to be is no fun. I guess you just had to get to the actual country, but now that you’re there, you can find a place that feels like home I’m sure. You have a very keen sense of what you like and dislike, so I’m confident that you will manifest the exact right thing. You’re good at that!

It’s great to hear that you are happy with the job and the workplace. I know how difficult it’s been for you this past year (or maybe more, about a year ago is when I popped on) a your other company, and so hopefully at this new place you will not only feel appreciated and considered, but you will also be excited about the actual tasks that you’re completing, which it sounds like you will be. And having co-workers and managers that you have such a great rapport with will I’m sure make everything go much smoother.

That’s so nice to know how friendly and helpful people are over there! It’s not surprising. I’ve always known that Americans are some of the worst, and I’ve always heard that people out in the Netherlands and surrounding areas are known for being very socially and civic minded. How sweet to hear that young and old alike, men and women, were all coming to your aid without even being asked. I couldn’t imagine someone in the US doing that, at least not in a very friendly way! But then again, maybe I’m just jaded.

Looking forward to hearing about the next adventure! I am now officially living vicariously through you 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Carrie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

The first thing I have to say here is that I’m sure that you are a lovely person, but it doesn’t sound like you feel that way about yourself. It sounds like you are letting yourself be abused and neglected by an awful man being happy with whatever scraps he throws your way. Why is that?

You said that you’d go on dates and it would be amazing. Ok that’s nice and all, but for one thing, what does than mean aka why was it amazing, and for another, what about all of the things that he did in between?

There’s no way I’d ever tell a lovely lady to stay and fight for a man like the one you’re describing. He sounds horrible! You deserve a man who will call you back, or call youfirst rather. A man who will go out of his way to see you, make you happy, put your needs and wants high on his priority list, and make sure that you know you’re his and he’s yours. This man is not that man.

What do you love about him? Why do you love him? He may be the “best you’ve ever had”, but do you really want this kind of behaviour to be the best you ever get??

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation so we are glad you are here and have reached out for support. We will definitely try to help as much as we can!

The unfortunate thing in your situation is that you really barely know this person, and in two months had little time to build a foundation to further create a connection to have a sustainable relationship. It also sounds like he is not that emotionally mature or able to communicate. Communication is really important in order to have a healthy and long term relationship, and it’s really difficult to have a family with someone who doesn’t want to connect. I’m so sorry!

But my question is, what is it that you like about this guy? Why do you want to build a relationship with him? Where do you see yourself with him in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? How do you think he will be as a father? What is your plan for your pregnancy?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

Thanks for checking back in! And no worries about how long it takes to write back. We are here whenever you need us!

I know that what you did is hard and scary, but I want you to know that I totally respect you for standing up for yourself and setting such strong and healthy boundaries! Not many people can do that because they are so afraid that they will lose the person, but what’s most important is that you are with someone who you are happy and satisfied with, and with whom you are having your needs met. In the long run, being happy with the right person is more important than being with someone just so you are not alone. Yes you might feel lonely at times, but if you are waiting for the wrong person to love you, you are cutting yourself off from finding the right one. So I really think that you did the exact right thing!

What did he say when you said this? How did he react?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

Thanks for sharing more about your life! It’s good to get to know you better.

I’m sorry to hear how things went for you with your mom. Often parents are doing the best that they know how, and they don’t mean any harm, but as they are trying to protect you, they are actually causing harm. Maybe she felt that if you learned to not ask for things then you wouldn’t get disappointed, but that’s not really a very good plan. It’s important for young people, especially women, to learn that their needs and wants are valid and important. It’s actually dangerous for girls to not learn to stand up for themselves in this world, and I’m sorry that you learned to have needs was a selfish thing. I’m sure you know now that it’s not true, but it sounds like it’s been taking some time for you to realize that, and going through some heartbreak as well to get to the other side of it.

But it does sound like your mom was also left doing most of the parenting, and while it’s nice that you felt loved by your dad later, it must have been difficult all of that time that he pulled away. It sounds like you idealize him a bit and think that he can do no wrong, which is also a negative pattern that you’ve brought into your relationship with men. You give them a lot of power and little consequence or responsibility for their actions. Your dad wasn’t really a great father when you were growing up, but you say it wasn’t his fault, when in actually it was his responsibility to be there for you despite whatever he was going through with your mother. But you’ve developed this pattern of blaming the woman and exonerating the man, and you do it to yourself in your own relationships.

I’m saying this to you not to chastise you or make you feel bad about yourself, but only to point out things that I think can help you grow and heal. I think you’re a fabulous person and I want to see you shine as I know you can! I don’t want to see you holding yourself back for any man!

Which brings us to my next point. First off, I totally understand about sexual chemistry. It can be a very intoxicating thing that can drive us absolutely crazy! Lust can do weird things to your mind and body, and make you say and do things that you’d never think that you would. It’s totally normal and natural to have those feelings. But the thing I want to point out, is that just the same way that the love is in you, and generate from you, the lust starts in you as well! You are a passionate and sexy woman! And you deserve to feel that, and I know that you can! But none of it has anything to do with this loser behind a computer screen. I doubt that he can actually do any of those things in real life. So just enjoy it for the fantasy it is for now, and use it asa lesson to really know what you like, and see how you can find it out in the world.

That being said, I’m SO glad that you blocked him!! Congrats to you for making that difficult decision. We meet so many women in here and some of them go on for years making the same bad decisions. I always love when someone steps out and does the right thing. I’m really proud of you!

What’s been happening since we last spoke?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! I’m sorry to hear that things seem to be changing in your relationship. That’s always difficult when you want things to stay a certain way that you’ve become used to. The unfortunate truth though is that things never stay the same. As they say, the only constant in life is change, and in order to flow with life and not be unhappy, you have to be willing to flow with the changes.

That being said, there’s always a certain excitement at the beginning of a relationship that will settle down into a rhythm of daily life. A fast paced connection where you are with someone all the time is hard to maintain. That’s why I always tell people to take things slow and to integrate someone into your life slowly. If you immediately bring someone into your life in a very quick manner, it can be difficult to sustain that once the reality of life sets in. So some of that might be what’s happening here.

It also could be, as you are saying he is telling you, that he truly is very busy and while he cares about you, he’s just not actually able to give you the time that you need. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t want to be with you, he just may not be able to provide you with the time commitment that you require from a relationship. That doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong, but it might mean that you’re incompatible for a relationship.

Here’s the thing, you can’t change anyone, and unfortunately you can’t make someone think about you, call you, or do anything that they don’t want to. You’re doing all that you can right now, by letting him know what you want and need, and asking him to give that to you. If he can and does, that’s great. If he can’t and won’t, you will have to decide if being with someone who has different ideas about what a relationship is will work for you. You may have to change your expectations if you do really want to be with him. However, that may be very difficult.

Can you tell me more about your previous relationships? What were they like? I’m also curious about his commitments. Does he have children? Who are the people in his family that he needs to care for?

Thanks for reaching out and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Charlotte,

Aw thank you! I’m so happy that you enjoy my input. I definitely appreciate when people are able to listen to things, even if it’s not what they may want to hear. I commend that!

It’s interesting how we let ourselves see what we want to see, but often when we look back on something, we realize that we knew the truth all along but just didn’t want to recognize it. It sounds like this is what’s happening to you. You’re obviously an intelligent woman, and so you should give yourself credit for knowing. The next step is just to not ignore the red flags next time, but I know that can be hard when something feels so good in the moment, and someone is making us promises that we’ve been yearning to hear. It can be difficult not to go against our better judgement.

You know why he blocked you though, yes? He is ashamed. You are a reminder to him of just another person who he failed, another potential partner he was not good enough for, another woman he wasn’t able to be man enough for. Now he’s back to his old tricks, finding some new unsuspecting sweet girl that he can lie to. Of course he doesn’t want you to see what he’s doing, you know the truth of who he is. But whatever you do, don’t let this make you feel bad about yourself! As you said, he does not deserve your time, or any part of you. You deserve real love, and he only has lies to offer.

I think it’s wonderful that you know and you own that you love men! I can relate and I think many women can. It is often just a natural thing to be enticed by the scent and sound of a man, the shape and feel of his body, the timber of his voice. It’s heady and intoxicating.
So it’s great that you are going out and meeting men in real life. I just want to help you to feel strong enough in yourself that you have incredible boundaries so you can not only attract quality men, but you are able to not waste your time with men who are not giving you what you deserve. But as mentioned above, I think it’s all about when you recognize those red flags, being willing to walk away.

It’s interesting that you say that you have a wonderful father, yet your mother taught you to be how others want you to be in order to receive love. How did she teach you that? Was it what she told you, or was it how you saw her acting in her own life? And was that how she acted with your father? What was their relationship like? And what made him great?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Oh my goodness, that is an EPIC story! It sounds like one of those survival movies, lol! Wow, you are quite the trooper!! Growing up in New York I definitely had my fair share of driving in the snow, but to say I hate it would be an understatement. I’m amazed at how well you handled all of that. When you said that you had to sleep in the car in subzero weather, I just about cried! I am so glad that you didn’t freeze to death! What an incredible story!!

I’m still a little confused though…whose car was this? And why were you driving up there instead of flying? And where were you actually going?

You make all of my tales of being trapped in the snow sound like a vacation 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

You are more than welcome! I’m only saying what I observe. 🙂

The more you tell me about the gamer, the more relieved I am for you. Sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet! There are red flags EVERYWHERE!

Obviously he is the kind of person that had to feel special to someone else in order to feel ok in himself. He’s a serial dater for sure! So he just got out of a 2 year relationship with a girl who he “didn’t really like” but was with because he was getting over the breakup of another girl? That’s quite the baggage, don’t you think? When has this guy ever taken a few breaths to be alone and figure out who he really is? It sounds like he has incredibly low self esteem and in reality, has had little to no real relationships. So of course he ran away scared when you wanted to take this off the screen. He doesn’t exist off the screen!

You say he’s not “ready to love again”, but I question if he’s ever loved at all. Love isn’t about talking a good game, it’s about really being there with someone, thru thick and thin. It’s about working through your fears and insecurities, and pushing through all of that in order to ensure that you have the person that you love in your life. None of that sounds like what he does, or what he is capable of.

You, on the other hand, are very capable of this. But it sounds like you keep giving your heart away to the wrong people, those who are not worthy of it. I guess I’m wondering where that comes from? Where did you learn that you’re not worthy of love? Or that you love too much, too deep, too fast? And that you had to take whatever you could get, or whatever scrap that was offered to you? Where does that story come from?

xoxo
Spyce

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