[Coach Spyce]

Hi Casey,

He might be running away, but not necessarily from you. There are a multitude of things that could be scaring and triggering him, but that doesn’t mean that he still wouldn’t fight for you, given the chance. It seems like you are willing to give up pretty easily here.

I totally understand that you are terrified, and that you have the right to be. The situation that you went through with your husband is so traumatic. To find out that you were being lied to about so much and then to lose him on top of that is just devastating. My heart hurts for you, sweetie. Have you been able to get any help for that? Have you had any therapy or grief counseling? Sudden and shocking loss like that definitely creates a lot of trauma in a person, and you need to be more gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a lot.

And it sounds like you’re very hard on yourself anyway. Where does that come from? When did that pattern start?

Everyhing that you’re desribing doing with this guy is absolutely a trauma response, and the good news is that you’re aware of it anf you know exactly why you’re doing it. That can help you to make changes and to do things differently. It sounds like he really knows you and loves you, and wants to understand where you’re coming from. He respects you, and he doesn’t want to upset you, especially after all that you’ve gone through. So he might be trying to do what he thinks that you want and giving you space. He may really think that you don’t want him because to be fair, you have given him a lot of mixed messages. You and I know why you’re doing it and what you’re really feeling, but he doesn’t.

So that’s what you have to do. If you want to build any bridge with him to a healthy relationship, you have to get super honest with him. You can’t be afraid of caring and push him away. You do care, so just go with it and let him know. Be open with him about your struggles and what you’re dealing with. From what I’m getting, he wants to be the shoulder that you can lean on. I seriously doubt that he’s “over it and doesn’t want a thing to do with you anymore”.

In terms of how, you may not like what I have to say, but I’m a big fan of being super transparent. I wouldn’t play any games and try to act nonchalant. I wouldn’t try to be casual or just “run into him” at the gym. If you want to make this relationship work, you have to make some changes and step out of your comfort zone. You need to contact him and say something like:

I know that I’ve been acting irrational and that I haven’t been fair to you. I care about you and don’t want to lose what we have/could have. As you know, I have had a rough couple of years but I want to make some changes. Are you open to getting together with me to talk honestly?

What do you think?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Thanks so much for the update! I’m glad to hear that you were able to speak your mind to him. How do you feel? Do you feel like you got closure? Are you relieved? Upset? Do tell girlfriend!

From you’ve said about him, I’m not surprised by his response. He’s obviously someone who hides his true feelings behind partying and whatnot, and is not going to admit his pain and sorrow. He’s resigned to the fact that he’s broken or what have you, and that he just isn’t right for a relationship. He sounds like a charming guy who has no trouble reeling people in, and while that’s fun for a time, that’s ultimately hurtful if what you want is a serious relationship with a quality man. That’s not who he is or what he has to offer.

Bu you realize that now and you’re on to bigger and better things, becoming open to finding someone who is on your level, who can build the life with you that you want and deserve. How are you feeling about that possibility?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krista,

Thanks for sharing your story with us! What really stands out to me most in this is that I’m not really getting a sense from your story what it is that you actually want. You said that he’s an ex, but you haven’t mentioned if the two of you have resumed your romantic relationship, just that you have feelings and have been getting deeper emotionally. But the question is, have you ever really gotten over him at all?

You barely spoke for 5 years, correct? That’s a long time to not talk with someone and then immediately go back into the relationship. It also sounds like the relationship has had it’s issues from the start, and has anything really changed? He had money issues then, and he has money issues now. It concerns me that he still thinks nothing of borrowing money from you, when the previous breakup ensued because of him trying to borrow money. How is it that after 5 years of little contact you started back together by lending him money? I have to say that I don’t get a good feeling from this guy and it feels like he is using you.

Which leads me to my next question: what is it that you are getting out of the relationship with him? The answer to that really isn’t for me. It’s for you to really think about what he is bringing to the table here.

Looking forward to your response!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Casey,

He is NOT the only one, everyone takes things wrong over text! It’s never advisable to have any kind of emotional or meaningful conversation over text, unless you are cool with ruining your relationship. I don’t think that’s what you’re looking to do!

In terms of the needy attraction killing insecurity stuff tell me more about what you actually did. I have a feeling that you are pretty hard on yourself and you also have an idea that you need to be the “hardass” all the time, so what transpired may actually not be as bad as you think. Sure he might be pulling away, but it may not have to do with your actions, and might actually be more because of the insecurities that he’s feeling.

Then you say: And now i just haven’t heard from him at all. but you also said that he was the last one to text and you didn’t respond.

It sounds like you have a lot more power in this relationship than you are using, and it also sounds like you are letting your own insecurities get the best of you. I get it. You really care about this guy and you have for a long time. But there’s no reason to assume that he doesn’t feel the same.

Just set up a time to meet with him and lay it all out on the line. It sounds like that’s going to be uncomfortable for you, but I think it’s going to ultimately be very healing and could bring you closer together than farther apart. The only way to build intimacy is by letting down your guard and truly letting someone see you, warts and all. You are lucky in that this person knows you so well and is not running away. Take advantage of this gift to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You will likely be pleasantly surprised…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Casey,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! We are glad that you are here reaching out for your support and clarity. Often when we are deep in a situation, it can be difficult to really see what’s going on, and an outside perspective can be super helpful and allow us to “shed some light” on a seemingly dark situation.

I’m saying this because to be honest with you, it feels to me like the major thing standing in the way of this relationship succeeding is ego, yours and his. Fear mainly, because you’re both so afraid of losing each other.

It’s obvious that the two of you care very deeply for each other, and have for a very long time. You’ve gone away from each other, and have come back, and you have a very deep bond that I don’t think it’s going to be that easy to break. There’s a lot of love there, and a lot of potential, and in my opinion, you have a lot of the important elements needed to have an exceptionally great relationship. But you need to step out of your comfort zone and stop being afraid.

It sounds like he is insecure of the fact of how you feel about him. He’s wanted to be with you for what sounds like decades. Now you’re going along with it, but he’s not certain that this is what you really want, and if you’re going to jump ship or not.
As I said, you’re both operating from a place of fear and that’s understandable. You’re both adults now and there is more at stake.

You say that you don’t know what to say to him, but I don’t think that’s true because you’ve been clear with us. So that’s what you need to do. All that you need to say to him is everything that you’ve said here to us. The truth. The truth about how you feel about him, the fear you have about what he’s going to think about you, your relationship, how you are afraid that you messed up. Talking about these things don’t make you weak or messy. They make you vulnerable, and only truly strong people can be vulnerable. If you are used to being the strong one, when you show your vulnerability it’s going to go far with him.
But for god’s sake, don’t do it over text!

What do you think? Do you think you can do that? What comes up in you when you think about contacting him and letting it all come out?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Edel,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear about your breakup and that you’re in a wobbly place with your relationship. It’s never fun to be unsure of where you stand and to not know what the future holds. I feel for you!

Can you tell us a bit more about the circumstances regarding the break last month? What happened? What led up to it?

It’s nice to hear that he is open to getting back together. Are you able to do any therapy or mediation? What needs to change or will change in order for the two of you to reconnect?

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Hannah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! How exciting to be in this new phase of your life and to be meeting new people and having new experiences! There are so much wonderful things to come, and the best advice is really going to be to enjoy them all and try not to take things too seriously. Let me elaborate on what I mean by that.

First off, you are young and new to college. There will be so many people that you will meet and many that you can have amazing and life altering experiences with. It’s really good to not get too hung up on any one person just yet, and to be too worried whether or not they like you or not. It can take a lot to really get to know a person and it’s good to take the time to do that before getting too attached to them or their feelings of you. That being said, what do you like about him besides the fact that he’s handsome? There are so many other more important qualities!

Also to my point of not taking things too seriously, I am referring to how best to approach him. Good looking people are just people too and the more confident and relaxed you are, the better. The more you treat him like any other person that you want to talk to, the easier of a time you will have getting to know him. I wouldn’t recommend any of the ideas that you presented as they all have their pitfalls. Instead just try talking to him like there’s no reason why he wouldn’t want to get to know you. Most guys are just as shy as you are, even and sometimes especially, the attractive ones!

So just catch up to him in the hallway, and say, “hey, you’re in my AAA class! How are you liking it?”
Other questions: where are you from/do you live? Have you been going to this school long? What else are you studying? What on campus would you suggest I check out?

Just treat him like a normal person and he will feel relaxed around you and will want to get to know you more!

Let me know how this sounds and if it works!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Claire,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome (back) to the forum! It’s nice to hear that the advice and teachings here helped you in your last relationship. I’m sorry that it didn’t end up in a forever romance, but it sounds like since you’ve still preserved the friendship, you’d consider it a success.

Let’s delve into Fred. It’s obvious that he is very overwhelmed with his life, and is also fearing his mortality. He has to cut out something, doctor’s orders. He can’t or won’t cut down on work hours, so he has to find the easiest thing to remove. You are the newest thing in his life, and probably feels to him like the only thing that he can feasibly let go of. You also mentioned that he is feeling shame about all of this and his inability to handle what’s happening. Due to this, he may also feel like he just doesn’t even deserve to have a loving relationship in his life.

Although it’s not what you want to hear, it does sound like he’s been clear with you about what he can offer right now. I understand that you’re hoping thatt if you’re casual and laid back and don’t ask too much he will just naturally start moving back towards you, but I just don’t think that’s realistic. You giving him space and not asking for connection is exactly what he needs and wants right now, so he probably thinks nothing of not getting back to your recent text. To be fair, there wasn’t anything really in that last text that asked for a response, and if he’s feeling overwhelmed and not able to reach out, I don’t see that text as giving him motivation to do so.

At this point I’d say that you need to be very clear with him what you are wanting/needing from him. You cannot be coy or beat around the bush. If you want closure, that’s what you need to ask for. If you want friendship and/or to meet up over coffee for for a hike, you need to blatantly come out and ask him for that. When someone is overwhelmed, they are just not going to reach out, and he’s already told you this. You have to not take it personally and just ask for what you want.

In the meantime, I’m curious about this statement: I proceeded in the same way with Fred.
Can you explain a bit more about how that went and how you used what you learned in our program to start this relationship?

Look forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Good for you for taking such an important step to respect and care for yourself in this difficult, sad, but ultimately empowering situation. It hurts to learn these lessons, and it’s really disheartening when we have to come the realization that you mentioned above…when someone just isn’t able to step up to the plate, regardless of whether they want to or not.

I have a background myself of using drugs and alcohol to connect deeper with people and I know how deep that rabbit hole can go. Those substances let you delve so much deeper than you ever allow yourself to generally, and they also make you believe in things that are just fantasy, but for that time, you can take it on as real life.
“It’s not just the drugs, man!” my alcoholic ex used to like to joke; but sadly, it was.

From everything you’ve described with your relationship with him, his friends, and getting deep into his world, you’re the best he’s ever had. Truth is, you’re better than him, and everyone else knows it but you. Good to see that you’re finally coming around to that truth too. Of course it doesn’t feel good to realize that about someone that you care about, but it’s an important reality to take to heart. As you said from the beginning, you’re not a low value person, and if that’s truly the case, you have to stick to those high quality values that you hold for yourself, and not let yourself stoop to anything less. I know that you can do it!

It’s totally fine that you messaged him and got that closure for yourself. It’s more about that aspect of the contact; who were you doing it for. If you were doing it with the hopes of reconnection or getting him to see what he missed or feel some sort of way, I’d say that you’d be shooting yourself in the face of your healing, and wouldn’t recommend. But sometimes we need to just say what we need to say, and put it out there. I’m a firm believer in that. I feel the strength in you now, and I believe that you are going to be fine. You’re worth so much more than what you’ve been settling for the past few years pining for attention from this man. Now that you’re starting to realize that and are making the positive changes, I have no doubt that you can call in someone as high quality as you are.

What do you think on that? Is it a possibility for you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jaclyn,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry that it’s been so confusing and hot and cold with this man. It’s really difficult to have a long distance relationship, and it sounds like he has a lot in his daily life that’s keeping him distracted and engaged. I know you’re confused and hurt, but I have to tell you this relationship has sooooo many red flags that it’s basically just a huge red flag to me, and getting away from it is going to be the best thing that you can do for yourself.
Here’s why.

1. From the first sentence of your story, it’s obvious that this relationship is based in fantasy. You say: Both married in real life. IN REAL LIFE. Your life with him is not real. You met via an online game, where people go to get away from their real lives and pretend to be someone else. This is almost always going to go south when you try to bring that fantasy into the real world.

2. You were both in unhappy relationships. You were both married and both broke up with your spouses. That’s a huge thing. It’s natural to want to immediately jump into something new to distract yourself from the pain of what just ended. But it’s not healthy and its rarely sustainable. Did you leave your husband because of this man? I’m assuming that you were unhappy to begin with or you likely wouldn’t have started connecting with another man online in the first place. But I’m sure finding someone else who was similarly unhappy helped make the transition seem easier.

3. He was married for 18 years, has kids, and is still obviously deeply invested in his family. He also is a cheater who freaked out when his wife was cheating. I’m sure that you are not the first person that he cheated with, he sounds rather experienced with it.

I could go on but I don’t want to overload you with reasons as to why you should be happy to be away from this man. I more just want to know at this point what you want to to do moving forward. You said that you are confused about what do to next and while to me it seems clear that dumping him is the best course of action, you need to decide and feel that on your own. So that’s what I’m wondering. How do you want to proceed from here?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Sorry for the delay in response. We don’t have a coach on the weekends so depending on when you write in, it can take a few days. But I am here now and am more than ready to give it to you straight as that’s the way I like to give it anyway!

First off, I so understand how certain men, and the love and sex that we experience with them, can feel very addicting and like one of the best and worst drugs that there is. We have all been there and giving in to that feeling and experience does not make you a low class woman at all. It just makes you a human woman. The good news is that you are learning from your experiences and you walked away from someone who doesn’t deserve you.

I also understand that feeling of wanting to give him a piece of your mind and while that might feel good in theory, you have to determine what you’re hoping to gain from the experience, and who it’s going to benefit in the end. Let’s break that down.

What are you hoping to gain from the experience? Are you looking to change him, make him see the error of his ways? Are you hoping that once he sees you that he will want to be with you again, he will remember the good times and apologize, declare his love for you? Or do you just crave the idea of seeing him again, being around his presence, his smell, his physicality? If any of the above is what you’re going for, it’s all going to just end in hurt and more pain. You will not change him, he will not profess love (and if he does he won’t sustain the actions that go along with it) and being around your drug of choice only makes you want it more, and makes it more difficult to be away from it.

SO that brings us to the next question…who is this going to benefit in the end? Occasionally I believe that it can be good to have closure with someone. It can be good to see them and say all of the things that you have wanted to say, to really give them a good piece of your mind. But it sounds like you’ve had a long history with this man, and I can imagine that all of this has already been said in one form or another. So really, is it going to benefit you and your recovery by going to have it out with him “one last time”? Or will that one last time just be a start of a new toxic cycle?

You are worth more than to chase after a man who is not chasing you back. He doesn’t deserve your care or attention. You showing it to him is only disrespectful to your strength and power as a glorious and upstanding woman. Go on with your bad self, for real. Do you need this dude? If so, why? What is he giving you? Ask yourself this before you beg him to accept your power again and again, and lay it at his undeserving feet.

How does all of this land?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charlotte,

How are you? I haven’t heard from you in awhile and just wanted to know how you’re doing. Are you still here on the forum? Would love to know how things are going for you these days…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Miheala,

Nice to hear from you! I appreciate your honesty and letting us know all about what’s going on for you in this situation.

As Heidi said, you really need to examine if this is a man that you want to fight for, because it doesn’t sound like he is fighting for you. He just wants the new excitement, but doesn’t have the stamina to continue he connection. And that’s not about you, that’s about him.

He is someone who has a pattern of jumping in to quickly, which is not a good way to build a deep relationship. But he keeps doing it because that’s his pattern, but then when he gets in deep, he runs away because deep down inside, he knows it’s no way to create a healthy relationship. Then he reverts back to, “I don’t like women who text all the time”, but he himself is creating that dynamic by starting out the relationship in that all intensive way.

It’s not your fault for falling into what he was offering, but this is something that you can learn from and do better next time. Because in reality, if you want to be with a man who is going to not only respect you but chase you and treat you like a goddess, you have to not make him your world as soon as he appears. When that happens, you are showing him that you have not much else going on, and that you need him desperately, even though you barely know him.

It’s normal given your past that when you meet someone who is on the surface giving you all that you’ve been wanting for so long, that you will fall head over heels. But your first instinct was correct, and those are always good to trust. He’s a player, and once again, that’s on him. Nothing that you do or don’t do is going to change that. Do you really want to be with someone that you have to convince to be with you? You are worth more than that!

If you really feel compelled to talk with him, even just to have some closure, I suggest incredible honesty. In sounds like in your communications before you were more passive aggressive, and acting from a place of hurt. I’d approach him from a place of confidence and curiosity. Ask him point blank why he is being this way. Call him out on his bad behaviour. He’s not acting the part of a strong and mature man, so let him know that. At this point you have nothing to lose.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m curious to hear whatever came of the idea of working from home? Is that not happening as much anymore?

Glad to hear that things are started to get settled. I recently moved from a place I’d been living for the past 6 years to another spot. It’s more money, and it’s an apartment instead of a house, but it’s still an upgrade. The place is nicer and the location is so much better! We lived in an area that was above a not so nice neighborhood and we’d hear a lot of what was happening down below. Now we are living right near the beach in a much nicer area and it’s very peaceful. But it has taken awhile to get settled and we still have things to do!

Hope things keep on improving for you 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Suda,

Thanks for updating me. I’m curious…what made the dinner perfect? And I’m also wondering, what happened that was triggering? And was that what made you stop initiating the texts? It sounds like he is doing what you wanted him to do…reach out and initiate. But it still doesn’t feel right?

Tell me more about how you’re feeling…

xoxo
Spyce

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