[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m SO glad to hear that you are being proactive about finding something back at home. I’m looking forward to hearing how that all goes.

Sounds like even if you have to take a pay cut, it will be worth it. Being able to live in your own home (and not be paying for two homes) is a savings right there. And I guess you’re not making that much at this job anyway? Then it’s certainly not worth it to stay there! What really is the reason to stay there?

Also, who can put a price on happiness and well being? That’s the most important thing in life. You know, I grew up poor with a single mom who rarely had what she wanted in life because she “couldn’t afford it”. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to be that way. I got my first job at 12 years old and never looked back. Not that I’m a millionaire or anything, but I do ok. And the more important thing is that I know how to spend money and what to spend it on. I don’t have fancy irrelevant things, but I treat myself well and make sure that I am well cared for. I eat good food, live in a nice place, drive a safe and well running car, and spend money on what will make my life happy and healthy. To me, that’s the most important thing in the world, to treat myself well. You just never know how much time you have left.

If you start to feel guilty about leaving this job so soon, just message me and I will reinforce how totally fine and not only fine but absolutely wonderful it is for you to be taking care of your own needs above anyone else. In reality, what is the worst that will happen to this company if you leave? It will be a pain for them, they will have to find and onboard someone else. Big deal. No one will die, no one will get sick, and no one will really be chronically unhappy. However you staying there, and NOT going somewhere that makes your heart sing…well that has far worse consequences. You could get sick, and you certainly are homesick! As for being chronically unhappy, I think you’re unfortunately there already. I’d love to see you being totally joyful in life. I think that will attract the partner you’ve been seeking too!

I look forward to hearing how it all progresses 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

It sounds like you ARE doing something to try and create some change and that’s great! I’m glad to hear that you reached back out about the BC job and are trying to see what else is out there. You’ve been miserable at work long enough. There’s no reason that you have to spend any more time being miserable.

At least if you’re living someplace where you “feel at home”, if you have a job that’s less than stellar, you can still feel ok about things, or have something good to fall back on. I have always been a proponent of living where you want, and moving if you’re not happy somewhere. People have commented on my ability to move like it’s easy, but to me, it’s easier to move than it is to say someplace where I’m unhappy. And I can honestly say that I’ve always moved to a better situation and to someplace that I want to be more than wherever the last place was. I’m confident that you can make this happen for you.

I don’t know about where you are or in your particular industry, but it seems like most employees these days have their pick of position. There is so much work to be had and not enough people to do said work. So perhaps that can work in your favor.

I’m rooting for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mia,

I am wondering what makes you want to stay with this man. What makes you love him, and what do you love about the way he treats you?

As mentioned, I have a lot of experience with alternative relationships and open marriages, and I have seen it work tremendously. I have also seen it fail miserably. Like any kind of relationship, the most important thing is respect, communication, genuine care, trust, and having the same goals and desires. From what you’re telling us, I’m questioning if all of those things are present in your current situation, or where you might be telling yourself things in order to not face the reality of what’s happening.

It doesn’t sound like you have the same goals in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have the same desires either, and what you both see as love and commitment might be different as well.

How long had you been married/together when you started to open the marriage? Do you think he was being faithful to you during that time before things were open? Do you think that he’s wanting the marriage to be open in order not to deal with issues within the marriage?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mia,

Whose idea was it to open the marriage? You say that you both wanted to please each other…what did you find pleasing about the situation? What did he want?

Open marriages, as mentioned, can be a slippery slope that either brings people closer together or shines a magnifying glass on what’s not working. And then when someone new and shiny comes in to the situation, it seems like they might have the answer to the issue that’s in the primary relationship. Rarely though is that the answer…

You said: We never really had a fight before. We would calmly talk about issues but bigger concerns were never addressed to the root of the problem.

It sounds to me like the reason why you didn’t fight was because you were ignoring anything that wasn’t “fun”. Unfortunately, those kinds of situations can only last for so long. If there are issues, you can only stuff them down for so long.

It sounds like if you want to save this relationship, the two of you will have to start communicating in a deeper, more honest, and more vulnerable way. If both of you are afraid of hurting or offending the other, you will go nowhere.

Do you think this is a feasible plan for the two of you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I’m so sorry to hear that Rhonda! I hate to be right in a situation like this…But I’m wondering, is it too late? I mean, I know you’ve done a bunch of work to make it happen here, but if you’re miserable, why stick it out? Life is too short to be unhappy, especially when you know that there is something possible that could make you happy!

What’s happening with the job in BC? Can you contact the boss there and ask him if the position is still available to you? I’d say that’s the first step. To be honest, I know it feels a bit weird, but I am SO rooting for you to do that! I mean, what’s the worst that could happen???

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mia,

Thanks so much for sharing your story! i appreciate your honesty about your situation, even though it is non traditional. Good news though is that you are in the right place! I have actually been a coach for alternative lifestyles including non monogamy for many years, so your situation doesn’t throw me at all.

That being said, there are many reasons and ways that people come to an open marriage, but typically the ones that work out are the ones where people are super secure in their relationships to begin with. If there are underlying issues and you are using an open situation to run away from things or gloss over the issues, an open situation can just lead to the end of the relationship.

I’m sorry to say but it sounds like that’s what seems to be happening here. What has your relationship been like before this? Have you been having other issues? Trouble connecting? Fighting?

I agree that he sounds very confused and I’m sure that makes you confused as well. He is no only sounding confused, he’s acting confused, so he obviously is. I’m sure there are no good answers with the new person either as you can’t fix one relationship by starting another. So the real question is, when did things start to go south in your marriage?

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caitlyn,

As Heidi said, it’s important to find things to keep yourself occupied that don’t have anything to do with this relationship. It sounds like you found each other when you were both in a vulnerable state, and you used the connection that you had to help you through touch spots. this can bond you to someone quickly, and also a little unrealistically.
I’m not saying that you didn’t/don’t have true feelings for each other, but if you never healed or made any changes from the last relationship that you were in, you are going to be carrying them over into this new one.

You say that you want to change for this relationship, but changing for someone else is not healthy or sustainable. You have to change for yourself, that’s the only way that it works. that’s why it’s so important to have time when you get out of a relationship to work on your own issues before jumping into something new. Because then you are trying to change to please the new person, and you are not really working on your issues.
Like you said, you have PTSD from your marriage that he triggered. You don’t want to be carrying that baggage from one relationship to another, you have to unpack it so you can leave it at the door.

You can pursue him if that’s what your heart is telling you to do, but it doesn’t sound to me like it has much traction. But if you were to pursue being with him, what would you do next to move forward? A hero instinct text is not going to get you that far…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gina,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I know it’s difficult to totally understand how to navigate the dating world when you are inexperienced, so we are glad that you reached out here to get some assistance.

First off, don’t beat yourself up too much for anything that you did or didn’t do. It takes time to get to know people, as well as know yourself in the wonderful world of dating. As the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and so if a few get lost along the way, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But before we get lost in the turning of phrases, let’s delve into your situation a bit deeper.

I understand you having reservations and wanting to get to know him slowly over time. While it’s nice that he expressed that he liked you and had concrete answers for why he did, the fact that he was so all in after the 1st and 2nd date is actually something that would give me reservations. When someone is so interested before they really know you, it can typically mean that they are just interested in the idea of you, or who they think you are and who you represent to them, rather than who you really are. Because even though it feels nice, they don’t know who you really are. So that kind of behaviour in and of itself would give me pause and make me want to keep things going slowly.

Your behaviour would be confusing to someone if you’re seeming like you’re not interested but then pushing for something serious early on, but to be fair, asking him about deal breakers in relationships very early in the getting to know you process is a actually a very good tactic and one I recommend wholeheartedly. After all, you don’t want to invest a bunch of time getting to know someone and start to feel attached and then find out that they don’t want kids, or they hate their family, or they always want to live out in the country, or whatever other thing is a dealbreaker for you. We always coach women to know their dealbreakers and to be upfront about them from the beginning, so even though you may be a novice dater, you were spot on with that part!

In terms of your own reservations/dealbreakers, if you feel strongly about those things, it’s ok to listen to your gut. But you can also take note of the fact that you don’t really know him, and being ok with the woman paying does not necessarily indicate hat he’s stingy. And someone being close to their mother can be a good thing, depending on how it all plays out.

If you feel like there could be a connection and maybe you made your decision in haste, there’s nothing wrong with reaching back out to him and doing what I always recommend, which is being honest. You mentioned to him that you needed to think and now you have, so you just let him know that you’ve done some thinking and that you feel like you would like to get to know him, without any pressure of where it will go, and just see where it does naturally.

I’m a little unclear as to why you would think he would reject you or where he has before, since as you mentioned, you were the one to tell him no. Speaking to that, I don’t think that mere fact would make him not interested. If he isn’t interested anymore then he’s not that mature or kind and you can move on knowing that he wasn’t the one. But for now, if you never try, you will never know…

I’d encourage you to do it! What do you really have to lose? It’s a lot less than you have to gain!

Let us know how it goes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

It’s been awhile since I caught up with you so I wanted to pop on and say hi. How are you liking Holland so far?

Sounds like the job is going well, which is great! And you’re meeting new people? You are really good at that, so I had no worries about you in that department.

Were you able to get things sorted with your housing? Are you in a place that you are enjoying yet?

How is it being across the world from your sons, especially Trav?

I hope you’re doing well and feeling situated!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Corinne,

It doesn’t sound like you’re unable to think of anything, but more like you don’t feel confident with the things that you are thinking of. Sounds like you’re thinking about it too much! Just have fun! This doesn’t have to be the challenges to beat all challenges, it just has to be fun. It shouldn’t be a stressor, it’s just something to connect the 2 of you.

If you have something in mind that involves you and you want him to share this with you then go for it. I’m sure you can always do another one after this if this one doesn’t work out.

Do you have one or two that you’re trying to pick between?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Casey,

I have to say that I sincerely believe that if you truly want to not lose the connection with this man, you are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and be truly honest with him. You have been sending a lot of mixed messages and that’s why he’s pulling away. You are afraid of being rejected by him so you are rejecting him first and so of course he’s not going to stick around for that, why should he? He has expressed to you what he wants with you and you have gone hot and cold on him, so he is afraid and unsure as to what you want. He’s not going to keep putting his heart on his sleeve if he doesn’t think that you want him. So not to be crude, but it’s time to put up or shut up.

If you pull back, that’s it, it’s over and actually it should be. You can’t have a healthy relationship without communication. Love is a risk, life is a risk. You need to be able to open yourself up if you want the reward of love.

So yes, just stick with the plan of being honest with him. Tell him that you want to have a face to face/heart to heart with him, and then be as honest with him as you’ve been with me. In reality, what’s the worst that can happen? Even if for some reason he didn’t return your feelings (which I highly doubt), you will still be ok. But if you don’t communicate you will never know and you would lose him anyway.

I’m here for you and I know that you can do it! Please let me know how it goes 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Mary,

So what I am getting from what he wrote to you and what you’re telling me is that it’s not that he doesn’t care about you, like you, and enjoy your company. It’s that he respects you, understands what you want, and knows he can’t give you what you want and deserve. So it’s not like you can’t connect with him, or that you couldn’t have him if you wanted him, you would just have to be ok with the limited capacity that he brings to the table, and why would you want that? The reality is that you are rejecting him, not the other way around. Remember that.

It’s very likely that he is seeing another woman as you’ve mentioned he is rather charming and to be fair, it’s easy to find women who want to believe in you when you’re a charming and attractive man. This is his MO. But he is not giving any other woman what he couldn’t give you, so the fact still remains that whatever he is giving anyone, and whatever he would give you if you did spend more time with him, would just be the same low quality connection that you experienced with him before. Just because you stopped spending time with him does not mean that he’s changed or gotten better. It just can feel like that because you are weaning yourself off him, and love is like a drug.

But I know that you can stay strong and not go back to him because I know that you know that what I’m saying is sad, but true. And so why do you need to drive by his house to know “the truth”? You know the truth, you said it above. You know that he’s sneaky, sleezy and deceitful and that he uses woman for ego boosts and is a future faker manipulator to get what he wants. Attention from beautiful woman whom he becomes bored with and then disrespects because he’s so out of touch with another person’s feelings even though he claims he’s an “empath ”. That’s all true.

Don’t feel bad that it took you awhile to figure it out, it’s happened to all of us, present company included. Of course we want to believe in the good of people, we want to believe in people’s highest selves, and life is full of the disappointment of realizing that people aren’t what they portray when they want to impress us. The fact that we fell for it doesn’t make us bad or dumb or unloveable. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for getting duped by him and everything right with you for having the strength to have the self respect to disconnect from him.

When you feel like reconnecting with him, what are you actually wanting? What are you thinking you might get? Ask yourself, will I really get that from my interaction with him? Is there a better/easier/healthier way or place where I can get that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Corrine,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! Cool to hear about your “challenge”! Sounds like a fun and adventurous way to have a relationship and to get to know each other.

In terms of what the challenge could be, it seems like there are infinite numbers of things that could entail. Be in sexual, sensual, intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual, or what have you, I’d imagine that the important part is to do something that really makes the other person do, think, or feel something differently than the way that they are normally accustomed to doing so. So that would be a good place to start.

What can you ask him to do that could take him just a little out of his comfort zone in a safe and healthy way? Is there something that you’d like for him to try that you know he hasn’t yet? Is there something that you know that he’d like to try that he hasn’t yet? Those would be a good place to start brainstorming from.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krista,

I’m so sorry that I have to say this, but from everything you’re telling us, this guy does NOT sound like a good and upstanding man. Frankly, he sounds like a real jerk who is just using you for money. The fact that he broke up with you the first time because you wouldn’t give him money but now is spending (very little) time with you now because you are speaks volumes.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you even if you can’t give them anything besides your time and attention. After all, what else are you asking from him? That’s what a healthy relationship consists of. This is not healthy for either of you.

I really hope that you can have the strength to end this, stop giving him money, and cut him out of your life until (and only if) he can come to the table with something besides his needs, his wants, and his problems.

Let us know how we can support you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

There are so many gifts here and the best part of all is the fact that you are able to see them. Kudos! You’re amazing!

First off, I’m glad that you feel like you’ve gotten closure. I know it might be tough to think about what you might do when you see him again (sounds like it’s a small town where you’re sure you will eventually) but the best revenge is a life well lived. And not that I’d say that you need revenge per se, but just being able to truly be on to better things in life will help. I’m sure from all that you’ve been learning from this, you WILL be in a better place next time you run into him.

Another beautiful gift is you realizing your worth, and ensuring that you are not going to be content with the tiny shreds of attention or affection someone might throw your way. You are worth more than that. You give more than that and you deserve to receive at least as much as you get.

You’ve also realized that this is not about any failures within you. You weren’t too much, he was not enough. You weren’t unreasonable or unrealistic with what you wanted, he was/is too broken and immature inside himself to allow himself to experience the kind of deep and mature love you can provide. You ARE the prize! You are out of his league. You were demeaning yourself to be with him, and he’s not worth it. As a matter of fact, no man is. I know that you said that he broke your heart but I hope you’re seeing now how he didn’t deserve your heart in the first place, and while this might be sad, it’s really only sad for him, and it’s so much better for you!

In terms of him coming back, are you concerned that he will contact you again and that you will feel tempted to reconnect? How do you envision that playing out? Tell me more so I can give you some idea for what to do in case of that scenario.

xoxo
Spyce

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