[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

Just checking in…how is everything going? I hope that my last message didn’t upset you. My only goal is to help you to be your happiest, healthiest, and most empowered self. I know that can be difficult and triggering as well, so i just want to check in on you and see how you’re faring.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

Yes, I could definitely tell that you are a writer as well. I love it! Us creatives have to stick together 🙂 I also have gleaned some other morsels of your personality, so it’s not surprising to me that you say that you are a perfectionist, albeit recovering. It seems that you are a very assertive and proactive person who sees the goal that she has in mind, and then finds the steps she needs to take to get there, and then does everything in her power to take those steps, come hell or high water. So I can see how this whole situation with Jason is so damn frustrating.

From the beginning, you have been doing everything possible on your end to make things happen in the beautiful way that you know that they could be, but there have been obstacles. Now I know that Jason’s mom feels like the biggest obstacle of all, and while I agree that she certainly hasn’t contributed positively to the situation, we can’t give her all of the credit for the demise of the relationship, time and again.

From everything you’re telling me, from his relationship to his mom, to his supposed best friends, Jason has, for lack of a better term, shit boundaries. He lets everyone walk all over him and he doesn’t do squat about it. It makes sense that you will never learn how to stand up for yourself when your first and most formative relationship is with someone as broken as his mother sounds, andI do feel for the guy. Being labeled “the man of the house” when you’re still essentially a child is rough, and I’m sure he carries a lot of guilt. But it sounds like he is still very steeped in this patterns and it bleeds over into all of his other connections. The relationship with the friend also paints him as a doormat and with you…well I wouldn’t call it a picture of health either. That being said, how did things wind up when you officially broke up all those years ago?

I will say, that I think the way he is being with you is him actually trying to have boundaries for once. But since he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s failing miserably. But his reactions are a classic case of what someone does who has poor boundaries, and they try to assert themselves with someone they feel incredibly comfortable with. Someone who they feel like cares for them deeply, and isn’t going to drop them or make their lives super uncomfortable if they try to assert their boundaries. With mom, it would be a shit show. With his friend, it probably feels rather untenable. But you…he trusts you. So it’s easier for him to push you away because he knows that you will always come back.

Which brings me to a point that I am not going to push on too much but as a coach I do have to make…are you sure that always coming back, always being there, always being his saviour, is really what you want from this relationship? Because like it or not, that’s the role that you’re in. I’m not saying it will never change, but I do think he has to really see and understand what’s going on here and want to change. He has to recognize that he has an incredible gift in your love and that it’s not always going to be there if he keeps pushing it away. Unless it will always be there. That’s what you have to decide. Are you willing to keep fighting for a man who isn’t fighting for you, or for himself? And how long are you willing to do that?

Because I have to tell you, when it comes to waiting, I’m not a fan. And in this case, you’re not waiting for anything that he’s told you he’s doing. You’re waiting for him to not be overwhelmed or realize something, or the hardest of them all, get over his lifelong patterns and start to heal and change and accept love into his life. I’m not saying that it can’t happen, I just think it’s tricky business.

But as mentioned, you sound like a goal oriented person who is not afraid to speak her mind and I love that, so with that in mind, if you are going to reach out to him, I am always of the mind of blatant honesty. But before you go that route, I would really recommend thinking about some of the above concepts I’ve mentioned, and how long you’re willing to wait for him to change, and help him with his growth, AND, if that’s really the best use of your life…

I know this may not be what you want to hear right now, and I’m sorry for that. But I respect you too much to not be upfront with you. Also I’m POSITIVE that this won’t be the last you hear of him. You have a lot of history between you and the last thing that you are going to be is rid of him. He may be triggered but he’s not stupid. He knows that you’re the best thing to ever happen to him, but as mentioned, he knows that he can skip out and you’ll still be there. So relax in that knowledge and maybe make him sweat. And something else to ponder, what do you get out of all this?

Anyway, I myself might be a bit MIA the next few days. I am going to a family wedding and usually don’t write on weekends but I will do my best to stay in touch. But do know that I believe in you, girl! I want you to be happy above all. And I just wonder if being Jason’s savior is going to be the best path towards that…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

You are doing great! Don’t beat yourself up for having feelings for him. It is natural and beautiful to see the good in someone and to want to enable them to reach their highest heights. As long as it doesn’t drag you down. In this situation, it seemed like it might be, because you are longing for something with him that unfortunately may not happen. Not because he doesn’t want it, but because he doesn’t know how to make it happen. And you need a man that DOES know how!

Please do keep me posted on your journey! Here for you always.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

No worries about the typos! I’d have a lot of them too if I didn’t edit! For future reference, you should be able to edit on the bottom, but I’m not sure if you’re using a phone where the edit button is. Either way, I totally understand what you’re saying so it’s all good either way!

Thanks for sharing more. Now I can understand why this is even that much more confusing and devastating, obnoxious and insulting. This is not your first time at the rodeo with him and of course being able to come back together after all of these years would feel phenomenal. And being that you’ve been close before, and now you’re much older, and hopefully wiser, it would only seem to naturally follow that this connection would finally be ready to be explored, from a mature and healthy space. You are not wrong for assuming that, and I’m so sorry that he is reacting this way because not only is it not nice, it’s also not rational and seems very clear that he is acting from a place of trigger, not clarity.

It seems that from being embroiled in this toxic and overwhelming relationship with his mother, and how things played out with his father, he learned a few things that he truly believes. One is that that he doesn’t deserve love, at least not a love outside of his relationship with mom. Two, he’s learned that love only comes with all kinds of sacrifice. Since he is already sacrificing so much and has been for awhile, the thought of loving you to him only means more sacrifice, even if the love you’re offering is worlds away from the “love” he’s been experiencing and witnessing. Sadly he doesn’t see how love can set you free, he only sees how love can trap you.

The most difficult in all of this is that he’s not willing to communicate any of this, and doesn’t seem to have the ability to. When you, on the other hand, seem quite emotionally mature and able to express your feelings. In reality, it’s actually really hard to know if he gets any of this, and even if he does deep inside, it certainly does not seem accessible to him as something that can be worked on, changed, or healed to get to the other side.

I understand that you feel like he is your soulmate and whether he is or not is not for me to debate that point, so all I can do is to bring you back then to the question…what is here for you to learn? What can you do to move forward in a way that’s going to not break you?

I’m sorry that you’ve had so trauma in your life and that this feels like a gift that you’re being robbed of. I have to say that I can relate to that with my own losses. Often we don’t know why these things happen, and all that we can do is to determine what we can do to still have joy in our life despite out losses. It can feel insurmountable.

I know that you’re not ready to lose him, and I don’t think that you have to give in to that, but as mentioned, he does have his own free will in this, and you can’t make someone let go into love if they don’t want to, even if it’s the saddest thing in the world.

I’m curious to know what you were doing relationship wise in the time that you and Jason were apart, as well as what he was doing. That might help shed some light on some of the baggage you are both bringing to the situation that is hard to leave by the door.

In the end, what I really want is for you to feel strong, at peace, and fully supported in doing what is going to be best for you. I can’t say that I know exactly what that is right now, but I can tell you that I’m here with you for the journey while we figure out the best course of action and the next best step.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Ashley,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your in depth story! There is obviously so much here, history and time spent; previous connections from childhood; deep and raw feelings that are difficult to comprehend and untangle. There’s definitely a lot to unpack, so we will do so in pieces.

I appreciate you sharing about your inner healing work. I, and Heidi the other coach as well, are big believers in spiritual connections, soul mates, twin flames and the like, and I can say for myself that I am always looking for deeper meaning in everything. while that can be a beautiful thing, I have also come to realize that it’s also a way for me to get a hold on my trauma, so it’s always good to take notice of what I’m doing, when and why. More on that later.

First I want to acknowledge how painful and confusing this is. Here’s this person that you have a life-long connection with, who you share so much history with and there’s obviously real love in the mix. And for some reason, he’s terrified of appreciating and coming clean on the bond that the two of you share. It’s surprising that in all this time you’ve never said the words “I love you” and shocking that he reacted so strongly to you naming the elephant in the room. So I just want to say to you, that you are not wrong. It could have gone a very different and beautiful way, so please don’t regret what you said. And know that if you’re going to be with someone in a deep and meaningful way, you want to be with someone who acknowledges and speaks to that with grace and heartfelt passion, and is just as open with you as you are with them. I know you feel like he feels it too, and just needs some help to access it, but that’s putting a lot of creedence into the what if concept, which can be very dangerous and lead to many moons of hurt.

Here’s the thing: you may have known him when he was 12, and loved him when you were 16, and then again 17 years ago, but there is a lot of missing time in there. What was he doing then? What were you doing then? Maybe you’ve changed, maybe he has. Maybe you’ve done work on yourself so those changes are for the better. Maybe he hasn’t and those changes are just pushing him deeper and deeper into his own despair and patterns. Whatever it is, you have to be with each other where you are now. Has he grown and changed to become the man that can truly take advantage of what you can offer? I know what it appears like from here but I’ll let you answer that.

The definition of soul mate that I subscribe to is different than that of twin flame. A soulmate is someone where you click instantly. It may not always be the most exciting, but it’s easy, it works. There’s not a lot of processing that you need to do to be together. Your triggers don’t intersect in that way where you constantly are tangling up in each other’s energies. That kind of interaction is left for the twin flame connection. The twin flame connection is fire. It burns and eats you up. And like a fire, it needs constant fuel to burn. So you always have to feed it and pay attention to it, nurture it, it doesn’t flow on its own. So a twin flame is not really a connection that’s meant to be a daily one, someone you grow old with. Because it will burn you up and bring you down. It’s meant to teach you about yourself, your patterns, and show you how you can live your own life better.

So that being said, what do you think is happening here, and what do you think this connection is trying to teach you?

You say: I can’t believe that the universe would have brought us back to this place just to rip him away from me again
This may or may not be the case but look at your languaging. You have left his sovereignty totally out of the equation. Is he really being “ripped” away? Or is he not stepping up to the plate? Is he not choosing to look at why he reacted that way and what’s getting in the way of loving you as an adult man?

As mentioned, so much to unpack here, so let’s start with this.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

No worries on the delay! Write when you can and I’ll do the same. We don’t typically write in the forum on weekends so there’s that bit of info it can be good to know.

I get how hard it is to cut ties with someone when you see so much good in them and you know how good things could be with them, if only…It sounds like he knows it too for sure, which is why he reaches out too. He doesn’t want to let the connection die either. Although men aren’t often able to admit their weaknesses, most human, men or otherwise, know when they are in the wrong, or have faults that hey are buying into, or just aren’t living up to their potential. He’s even told you that he doesn’t feel likes he’s good enough for you. but that doesn’t keep him from wanting to be, and wishing that he could be the man that you deserve.

And that’s why I wouldn’t necessarily say to block his number or anything like that. It doesn’t sound like a toxic connection, it’s just one that doesn’t serve you that well. It keeps you tied in that old pattern of helping others more than you’re helping yourself. It doesn’t leave you open for meeting a true King to match the Queen that you are. So that’s why I’d recommend pulling back from him. Pulling back for you, so you can push towards something that will align with who you are. Like you said, you don’t have to forget. You can cherish the memories and move on to the next phase.

You never know what’s around the corner and sometimes people surprise you, but the point is that you can’t be waiting for that surprise, because then it isn’t one! You have to go do you, and I assure you that once you are truly living your life for yourself, you will find a man that will make this connection fade into the background and he will become a friend that you care about, but nothing more. You will know for certain that there’s nothing left to wait for because you’ve found what you’ve been seeking.

Anyway, that’s my vision for you. I can tell that you’re an amazing person who is going to bring joy, passion, and romance into her life in a big way once you remove the obstacles that are getting in the way. Namely you, and putting yourself on the back burner. Put yourself first lady, and see what happens. And keep me posted 🙂

I’m rooting for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gina,

I’m glad that you were able to talk with you. It sounds like you have good communication between you, which is definitely an important, if not the most important aspect of a healthy relationship. It’s also nice to hear that you have some very concrete reasons for why you are drawn to him. People don’t always know why they are attracted to someone and they just say it’s a feeling, or something else vague. These kinds of relationships are usually not based on common goals or interests, but it sounds like this one is, at least so far.

I’m curious though about your statement of “he likes me!” Are you not used to being liked? That also leads me some questions regarding your past relationships. Can you tell me more about those? You say that you are cautious. There’s nothing wrong with that but is there a reason behind it?

I’m also confused by this statement: I told him that I’m seeing other people for serious reasons, not casual.
Because then you say: We both confirmed we’re not talking to or seeing other people.
Was that first one a typo?

In terms of the difference in politics/ethics/religion, all I can say is that if those are things that are important to you, I’d imagine that knowing where he stands on the issues that are part of your value system would be a very important conversation to have. But that’s the same for anything that’s important to you that you can’t compromise on. That’s what a dealbreaker is, and you have to know what those are before going too deep in with anyone.

There is no #5 above, so just let me know what else you wanted the advice on and I’m happy to answer!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gina,

Thanks for the update! I’m glad to hear that you were able to restart the relationship up again in a way that feels good to you. That’s the most important part, that you feel comfortable with whatever is happening, and the pace in which things are going.

Because you know that you are looking for something specific, I think it’s important to be clear from the beginning what those are. Not only with yourself, bu also with him.

Political and ethical views are very important and if you don’t share those, you will not be able to have a happy marriage with someone.

To be honest, I don’t get the feeling that you really do have much in common with him, and I’m wondering what it is that has drawn you to him or makes you feel like you want to get to know him? How do you feel around him that makes you want more?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

You don’t sound crazy at all! You sound like a very intelligent and deep thinking woman, who has a lot of love and compassion to give. You sound like a wonderful person that anyone would be lucky to call friend, and even more blessed to call partner. I’m just wondering what’s stopping you from meeting or connecting with someone who can be that. What keeps you connected to this man from 2016? It’s lovely to see the best in people, and potential can be exciting to discover. However potential is not reality. It’s often only your own fantasy, desires, what you wish would come about. And when it comes to humans, we have to focus on who they are in this moment.

Now that’s not to say that you can’t have faith in someone, and stick by them through hard times, be a shoulder for someone in need. But as you mentioned, when you had that supportive friend there were two major differences. One was that you wanted to change and were working on that within yourself. The other is that you mentioned there was a strong friendship that had reciprocity built into it. With you and Mr. 2016, it doesn’t sound like a healthy and generous relationship. It sounds like something where you’re giving in the hopes of receiving, and that’s no coming to fruition. So you’re left wanting and waiting, and that’s no good for anyone, especially a woman of your caliber.

What should you do? Well I think it depends on what you want. If you want a partner from this person, then you should walk away, because they have shown that despite however much they might care about you, they do not have it in themselves to be that for and with you. If you want to be a mentor to this person, then keep in contact and be there for them as they grow. But I just don’t think that’s what you want. It sounds like you’re reaching out in hopes of this becoming something more, in hopes that he’s going to become the strong man that you want, need, and deserve. Playing that waiting game is not going to get you where you want to be. And the longer you are putting your heart on hold for him, the longer you will be shut off from actually being able to find that person who is ready.

So I don’t think you need my advice because I think you know what to do already, you just don’t want to do that. As you said, the heart doesn’t always want to do what the head is telling us is best. And sometimes we need to experience more heartache to get to the place where it’s enough for us to make a change.

Once again, it really just comes down to what do you ultimately want, and how much longer do you want to wait to get it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I promise not to be mean, but I will be honest. Hopefully you can tell the difference!

First off, I want to say that you sound like a really strong person who has a lot going for herself. It sounds like you have your life together in many ways, and the way that you express love is by trying to help the people that you care about geto to a better place. That is wonderful and beautiful thing, and I can relate to this in my personal life as well. BUT (there’s always a but!) it can also be very draining and doesn’t serve you, or let you live as your highest self.

And in terms of how it affects the other person, even though you think that you’re helping someone by you doing all of these things FOR someone that they aren’t doing, or maybe seemingly able to do for themselves, you are actually not. Because you are enabling them to stay stuck and not take the steps they actually need to take to create true and lasting changes in their life.

So of course your friend can’t be a good partner for you, because he is not in a place in his life where he is a good partner for himself. It sounds like he has a lot of his own personal inner work to do, and that is essential in order to be able to really be in a healthy and sustainable relationship. I do agree with him on that you ARE too good for him, and you are disrespecting yourself chasing after someone who can not give you the love and respect you deserve as the Queen that you are.

You can have love for him, and I’m sure he deeply cares about you, but he does not sound like someone who is a place to be a true partner. You can’t make someone change, you can’t make someone grow, except for yourself. And the way that you can do that is by setting a boundary, within yourself, and doing what is best for you in this situation, not him or anyone else.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mia,

Thanks for sharing more of your story. Unfortunately it sounds like somewhere along the way, your ideas of what you wanted in a relationship changed. He may have told you that having an open marriage was just for fun, or just for now, but based on my extensive experience with non monogamous lifestyles, I can tell you that it’s highly likely not the case. He may have always felt this way, and now that he’s had a taste of what it’s like to be able to be with more than one person, it may be very difficult to get him to return to having a monogamous marriage with you. And from what you’re saying, that’s what he is telling you as well.

So what can you do about it? First off, what do you want? If you want monogamy and you are just waiting for him to change his mind and want that too, you may be up against a lot of heartache. You said that you want to work on the relationship together and while he may want that too, it sounds like it might be difficult to come together when you have different goals. You see the open marriage as a problem and he sees it as his destiny. He wants to have you as his security, waiting in the wings while he explores this new relationship and sees if it’s going to work. In his perfect world he would have both of you. But that’s not fair to you because you do not want an open marriage, and you’re simply waiting for him to get over this other relationship and come back to you. Yes that may happen, but even if it does it sets a precedent of relating. One where he will be with you and only you until he finds the next woman that he wants to explore with.

Unfortunately someone is going to have to compromise in order to make this work as you have different goals and ideas about what you want. Historically you have been the one to compromise when you agreed to open the marriage, but you do have a right to change your mind. However, that might mean that he is not willing to compromise on the other end and it may be the end of the relationship.

But I do want to say that there are a few red flags here anyway, and they are mostly about the fact that he is not honest with you. He knows that you are not happy with this but he wants to keep his hold on you so he lies and cheats. This can’t go on forever, so eventually you have to figure out where your line is and stick to it.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are under such financial stress. It does sound like this job is not very supportive or understanding of someone moving from overseas and the costs associated with that. Is here anyone that you can talk to who might be able to do something? Can they take it out of another check since they’ve barely been paying you anything as is? That’s awful that you should have to actually lose money while taking a job!

Do you have savings that you could live off of for a bit? I’m a creative thinker and just throwing ideas out there, but would it really be the worst thing in the world if you went home without a job and had faith in your skills and ability to get work somewhere that you could be happy? If you’re already paying for your home back in Canada, would it really be that much more to just go back and job search for a few months? What’s the worst that could happen and would that worst case scenario actually come to pass? I doubt it! To be fair, I think you’re highly employable, and I know that you’ve always worked really hard. Maybe a mini vacation to relax and get your priorities straight would be the exact thing necessary!

Just promise me that you’ll think about it…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Hope,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear about the separation from your child’s father. It’s always tough to have a breakup like that as you are still tied to this man, and in some ways always will be, or may be.

Would you be willing to share more details of the separation and why it happened? You mentioned more than once that it will never be an option to get back together and I’d like to know why that is. Having more details can help us to help you more specifically. This is also an anonymous forum and we don’t know who you are, so you can feel safe and comfortable being as forthcoming as you’d like.

To be honest with you, this seems like the big elephant in the room that needs to be addressed before you can just move on to dating someone else. In order to have a serious relationship that’s more than just a hook up, you need to properly disentangle yourself from the previous one, and it sounds like you are still very much engaged, even if physically you are no longer in the same space. You are mourning a loss, and you have to give yourself time to do that properly or you will not find another relationship that’s at all healthy. And unhealthy relationships are just not sustainable.

So let’s talk more about what the real situation is, shall we?

Look forward to hearing back from you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi B,

We typically don’t write in the forum more than once a day, and even so we are only available 5 days per week, so please be patient with us and we will get to you as soon as we are able.

Being that you are operating under specific cultural norms that I am not well versed in, what I can tell you is this, which I think would be true of any man across the board.

If someone isn’t interested in you, they wouldn’t be going out of their way to spend time with you. My assumption would be that he is taking time to get to know you before moving things to the next level. Because you have children, he probably wants to take things even slower as no good man would want to commit prematurely to a woman who has kids. If he disappoints you or something doesn’t work out, he is also letting them down, and that’s not a very nice thing to do. So perhaps he is just trying to determine how he feels, and if he wants to take things to the next level.

I am all about honesty and being straightforward, so my advice will always be to just ask when you have a question. So if you want to know where he stands on his feelings for you, is there a good reason that’s preventing you from just asking him? I can understand that you may be scared of rejection, or of ruining something that is casual and feels nice, but if you want more than casual, this is something that will have to be addressed anyway. If he’s not interested, maybe you don’t keep spending time. If he is interested, than you can at least know where you stand.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi B,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I know how difficult it can be as a single mom to find time for dating, and it certainly does have its challenges when finding a man who can commit to being a good partner to you, as well as a good father figure for your children.

I am a little confused as to how things have been going with your co-worker. So you obviously spend time with him at work and he’s been asking you to spend time together on the weekends, but have you actually been together on weekends, every weekend? What do you do in this time together?
And if you are in fact together on the weekends, what does that mean for your kids? Is he spending time with them as well, or do you have someone who is with your kids when you are with him?

Please let me know more about your situation so that I can be more helpful!

xoxo
Spyce

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