[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I just wanted to jump in to say hi and let you know that I’m rooting for you to get back home! I know sometimes people say where ever you go, there you are, and while I agree in some sense, I also truly believe that location makes a difference. Each place you go to has different opportunities, people, culture, connections, climate, etc. So things really can change depending on where you are.

Take my own personal situation for example. I recently moved from a big house on a large lot in the midst of a very urban area. Yes my gate-surrounded-property felt safe for the most part, but it was extremely noisy with sirens, gunshots, fireworks, and screeching cars heard at every hour of the day and night. The house was a duplex that I was managing and once my sister moved out, finding compatible strangers became a full time job. My husband and I were constantly stressed and anticipating violence right outside the gate. So while we had space at an affordable price, a definite premium in California, it had started to become not worth it.

Even though it was difficult to wrap our heads around moving as we’d been there for 6 years, we did, and it’s been amazing! Now we live in an apartment complex right on the beach. We have no yard to maintain, but can walk right out onto the sand or down to the pool area for a swim. It’s quiet at night and safe enough to go for a walk after dinner. No housemates/tenants to manage either! Our lives have immeasurably improved. Even though we are paying close to 3x what we were paying at the other place, our peace of mind is priceless.

That being said, I know how badly you want to back on your home soil, and also that you worry about the financial piece of it all. Of course I’d never recommend doing something that doesn’t feel safe for you, I will always encourage you to take a leap of faith. If you’re not happy, go to where you know you will be happy, and have faith that the rest will fall into place. All I can is that it’s always worked for me like that, and I believe it can work like that for you too!

As mentioned above, I’m rooting for you 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sabaa,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that this person is treating you so unfairly and poorly. It definitely sounds like a bad situation that can feel very hurtful. That being said, I wonder why you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is treating you this way?

If someone says, “I never want to see you again”, that’s a very mean comment. And it sounds like it’s not just a one off thing that he’s said when he is mad. He is continually saying it time and again. Is there anything that happened between you to rupture the connection that you’ve had? Is there some reason that you can think of beyond what you mentioned about him cutting everyone out of his life so that he can “focus on work”?

Even if there is something that happened, the way that he is treating you is very cruel and immature. So I’d ask you to question yourself if you really want to be with someone who will treat you that way. Because he’s not only being mean, he’s also being mean to someone who is helping him. What does that say about him and his character? Nothing very good, I’m afraid.

I take it that you all are young, (you mentioned that he’s 23) but that is no excuse. It is however a reminder that you have many years of potential intimate relationships ahead of you, and you need to build your boundaries and self esteem up now and not start a pattern of letting people take advantage of you, treat you poorly, and still come back for more.

The question is: what are you getting out of this relationship?

It’s nice that you have some memories of good times, but it’s how people treat you in the bad times that matters, not how they are when everything is peachy. Because life can get tough, and you need someone by your side who is in it not only for the thick, but for the thin as well.

These are some things to think about, so let’s start there!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Corrine,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I so understand how shocking it can feel when something is going well and then it seems like it suddenly changes, but I can tell you that we see it happen all the time and it’s actually a very common pattern in relationships. Let’s break things down a bit.

First off, it’s admirable that you want to ensure that you are working on yourself and taking responsibility for what’s yours in this situation. From what I can tell, you are ready for a healthy relationship. The thing to determine now is whether or not he is, and if you can “course correct” his behaviour. Definitely more of a challenge…

The thing that concerns me though is that it appears that you may have a pattern of taking too much responsibility in a relationship, thereby relieving the other person of theirs.

You are making excuses for his behaviour; he shut down majorly, and (rightfully so) and putting your own needs on the back burner; I myself have been going through some difficult times .

You are “trying to be supportive”, but support is a two way street in partnership. That’s why it’s called partnership. If only one person is doing all of the heavy lifting, there is no partner in the situation, it’s just one person being the caretaker, and unless that’s a job you’re being paid for, I don’t recommend it!

So here’s the thing: we like to say around here that it’s not about how someone treats you when they are at their best (and in the first 3-6 months of the honeymoon phase all bets are off), it’s how they treat you when they are at their worst that’s really an indication of who they truly are and how ready they are for partnership.

This person doesn’t sound very capable of being in anything with a level of reciprocal support, and if that’s the case, is this something that you actually want to pursue?

I’d also like to know more about this comment: I have been deliberately single for several years, as I don’t just give my heart to anyone. But this one I felt was different and felt right.

How did it feel different? How did it feel right? There might be something there that you are getting from him that’s not the reality, so looking deeper will help.

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

To be honest, it sounds like having people who you like up on a pedestal is a regular part of your MO. But it makes sense as it goes along with the pattern of falling quickly for someone. As we discussed, that pattern is based on an unrealistic idea of people based on the fantasy of who you want them to be, instead of the reality of who they are. So it follows suit that you would continue to hold someone in an potentially exaggerated light as that’s who you want them to be.

It also sounds like you do not have the highest self esteem and are possibly connecting with people that you feel like are out of your league. So you are afraid of them rejecting you, and you are trying to do everything possible so they won’t. No one likes rejection, of course. But have you ever thought that maybe someone isn’t enough for you? While it sounds like there are some good things about this guy, there are also some red flags, such as his reactions to the app, and his assertion that you could still sleep together but not be working on a relationship. None of that is fair to you and it sounds like you are recognizing that.

So what can you do to have him recognize that? Well first off, communication is huge. What is stopping you from you just talking with him and telling him what you think? If you want to be with him in a real partnership, you need to be able to communicate without fear of him pulling out of the connection. If he does that, he is not worth trying to be with.

Also his judgement IS a fault of his. He needs to understand that his actions and reactions are not fair, as you said, to anyone. So I’d start there. However he reacts is a big indicator as to whether or not you want to move forward into a deeper connection with this man.

Let me know how it goes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I applaud you for recognizing the pattern of jumping in too quickly with people, and for trying to do something to change it. I do have to say though that I think you are still doing it with this person too. It sounds like you are putting a lot of weight into your relationship with him without really having known him that long.

You say that one of the reasons that you like him is that I can be myself around him, he understands most of my quirks and accepts them .
That’s great but from an outside perspective it just doesn’t sound like that’s really the case. He got very upset that you had not deleted yourself from the dating app, and it seems that he misunderstands some things about you. I’m not saying this to diminish your relationship, but simply to shed some light onto it. In actuality, I’m hoping that this realization can help you to take him down off the pedestal and think about how you can get to know him for real before going off on the idea that he’s the “love of your life” who you can’t live without. That will not help in your desire to pull him in closer.

If you want him to trust you, being realistic about the fact that you don’t really know each other and that the process takes time, may help him feel more comfortable. Reminding him that he still needs to get to know you may help him to be more open to recognizing that he doesn’t know you that well, and maybe some of the things that he’s thought about you (aka you’re a liar, etc) are just his own triggers instead of who you really are.

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I know how tempting it can be to fall deeply into a connection with someone right away, and when that happens it feels magical, but I want to talk with you a bit about the pitfalls of that before we get into addressing this specific situation.

You may already know this, but when you meet someone and “immediately connect”, your connection is not based on the reality of that person as you don’t know them. It’s based instead on the fantasy that you have around that person, who you think they could be to you, who they might become, how you see your life together. And that tends to be based on whatever it is that you’ve been dreaming about and hoping for, not even necessarily what you are ready or available for. That being said, I always advise people to look at that not only within themselves, but also in the potential person they are connecting with. Am I, and are they, ready and available to have the kind of connection that I am hoping for?

I am saying this because it sounds like clicking pretty early on is a pattern for you, and that means that you may jump into having deep feelings before you really know the person. When you met Jordan, you were right on the heels of getting over the pain of another deep connection. Do you see how this is a potentially unhealthy pattern?

From what you’re saying about your situation with Jordan, it doesn’t sound like to me like you did anything wrong. It’s not abnormal for someone to continue to date until they decide to be exclusive with someone. It sounds like Jordan has some previous triggers from potentially being cheated on or whatever, but whatever it is, he has a high level of mistrust that smacks of insecurity that he needs to work on if he’s going to be in a healthy and sustainable relationship. To say “I don’t trust you enough to be in a relationship with you but I still want to sleep with you” is pretty messed up. I understand why you went for it, but it’s a crappy way for him to communicate.

Which brings me to my next set of questions: What do you like about this guy? Why do you want to be with him? What made you have that “instant click”?

Looking at that is a better course of action than trying to salvage something that may or may not be worth working on.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dom,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I totally get how tempting it can be to keep messaging someone, especially if you are a person like me, who believes that communication and connection is a gift. Unfortunately not everyone feels like that and they can see communication as an affront or a challenge. When they don’t have time and are feeling overwhelmed by life in general, having to respond to someone can feel like an awful chore.

There is nothing wrong with you or what you’re doing, it just means that you and this guy are not compatible in your communication styles, or where you are in life. Those aspects are two very big components of creating a successful relationship. So it doesn’t sound like this one will work out.

At this point he’s blocked you, so he clearly does not want to connect. If you find any means with which to contact him after he’s made it very clear that he’s not available or interested, how do you think that makes you look? If the shoe was on the other foot, and you had blocked someone and then they messaged you from a different app, would you think that was cool and reconnect with them? Or would you be upset that they were not respecting your boundaries? What he is saying feels very loud and clear to me.

So rather than beat a dead horse, how about if we discuss your dating life so far, and how we can set you up for success while you’re going out and meeting new people? Let’s come up with a plan so you can create a connection with the next one that will help you create a connection that can turn into something real.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Danielle,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s always nice to reconnect with someone that you loved after many years of not being together. It can be a heady thing, and it’s not always as realistic a scenario as we may think.

If he is working a lot and possibly stressed about the idea of a big move, he may be as attentive to you right now. I wouldn’t see that necessarily as a sign of anything wrong. However, I do think that there are some inherent red flags in what’s happening and he might be feeling them as well.

It’s certainly a big step to move yourself and your kids to another state to be with someone who you haven’t been with for many years. How many times have you been together in person in the recent past?

Also if he’s recently out of a bad relationship (with the mother of his children?) he may not be thinking straight and is looking for someone to make him feel better. That’s not really the foundation of a healthy relationship.

You mention that he “saved my life” and I was wondering if you could elaborate on that?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

Good to hear from you! So nice that you had some vacation time. It’s so important as humans for us to get back to basics and remember what’s important to us. Self love/care and self discovery are big ones. Once we know the self and are treating ourselves well, it’s only natural that the things that we want will come to us.

When I used to have a coaching program that I ran, I focused on strong and independent women who were successful in every aspect of their love, except when it came to love. They could hold healthy boundaries professionally, and often even with friends, but when it came to romantic relationships, they were willing to go down with every ship just to have the loving connection. Can you relate?

With this group of women, we always focused on setting healthy boundaries and having impeccable self care practices. And how having healthy boundaries is really what’s at the core of impeccable self care. Because so often we say, “oh I’m strong, I’m capable, I can handle this better than the next person” so we put ourselves on the back burner and do for others, thinking that later on we will take care of ourselves. We are caretakers, and even if we are kick ass and strong, we are still allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, even if it’s by our own minds! Oftentimes women who have it all together are caring for people without even being asked, because it’s just so ingrained in us. We feel almost guilty that we have our lives together more than other people, so we need to “give back” and that can involve helping people who really should be helping themselves.

Once you mix that feeling with romance and attraction, it goes even more haywire. Can you relate?

I would love to hear more about what you’re doing for self care, and if you have any thoughts on what I’ve shared.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marianne,

First off, I want to say how sorry I am for your losses and how much I understand the difficulties of the fertility journey as I am also on it. It’s really difficult to go through on your own. Even friends can’t help that much, especially if they’ve never been through it. And even those of us who have been or are going through it ourselves, still can only support each other so much because it’s really hard. But having others who understand from their own experience is helpful. Are you a part of any support groups? I am in quite a few groups on Facebook and that does make it easier.

It does make you feel like a different person, and it’s hard to explain to a new partner what you’re going through. I can absolutely understand feeling very bonded to this man and like he’s an integral part of your life, and an invaluable support. I do however think that any good man who is worthy of your love would be supportive, and if he’s not, he’s not the one for you. I know it feels like this man is the only one out there who can be that for you, but I do believe that’s not the case.

I know that your question now is how to keep him in your life as a friend. There is the challenge of having feelings for him, and him having feelings for you but him wanting to “do the right thing” and not lead you on if he knows that he can’t be there for you in every way. Are you ok with just having the friendship, even if it never leads to anything more? Even if he’s dating other people?

It seems like the only way to have that work out is to really be ok with that. If you are just pining for him endlessly that will be very painful. So you have to decide. Can you be ok with him just being a friend? If you can, then just let him know, and be a friend. You never know what will happen in the future, and as long as you’re connected, things may turn around. Change is always on the horizon, whether we like it or not.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

I’m sorry if that was not the answer that you wanted to hear and as a coach, I am happy to try and give you advice towards doing what you feel is best, even if I may not feel that way myself.
However, I just don’t think that there is “one last conversation” to be had with Jason. Do you? It feels like you have a lifelong connection that will ebb and flow. While I do think that it just doesn’t seem like he’s able right now to be a partner to you, I wouldn’t say though that I believe he never will be. But I would never recommend that you should wait for him to become that, and I’m glad to hear that you agree with that.

If you want to have this particular conversation about what happened the last time that you were together, I don’t fault you for that. But it sounds like he is not capable of having that or you would have had it already. So my advice to that end would be to give him some time to figure it out on his own. As much as that time crawling can feel horrific, it seems like you have to let him come to you when he is ready. You can say all of the right words in the world to him but in order for him to say something back, he needs to be able to find those words on his own.

I know that you want to know what he’s thinking right away, and believe me, so would I, but it just doesn’t sound like there is any way that you can force him to know and to spit it out. So maybe just try to interact organically and see what develops. You can still have a friendship and connection as always. Maybe just stop bringing it up, stay connected, and at some point he will be able to express what’s going on for him.

Hope that helps!
I think you’re incredible and I’m wishing you so much happiness and joy in life! I would love for you to keep in touch if you feel so inclined 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marianne,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I so feel for you. It is so hard to lose a friend and lover, as well as the possibility of someone who will care for you deeply for the foreseeable future and feels like family. I get on a deep level myself personally and I’ll elaborate as to why in this letter. But first, more about your situation.

As you seemingly know, relationships with age differences can be tough. Not so much because of the age per se, but more so because of the different stages that people are at in life. Regardless of age, it’s important to know that you’re on the same page with whomever you start a relationship with because if not, any good person is eventually going to have to end the connection, as opposed to going deeper into something with no future. It sounds like this is his thought, that while he cares for you deeply, if he can’t give you what you want, need, and deserve, it’s better for him to be out of the picture and encourage you to move on so you can be free to find someone who can truly be with you in that way. You gotta respect that logic, no matter how hard it is to live with.

I’m not sure about you, but I lost my parents in my early 20s and so having older people in my life that care about me feels really vital. I also understand the fertility journey as I’m on it myself. It’s super tough and having someone there to support you is key. I’m sure the fact that he has been with you through those devastating losses has also bonded you to him deeply, and you want to continue to have that connection with someone trustworthy while you embark on the road of being a single mom. It’s natural for you to feel like you desperately want him in your life, and depending on how you are able to be comfortable with having him there, it might be feasible.

I want to harken you back to the beginning hough when you said something very telling. You said: he didn’t tick any of my boxes
Now that’s really important. In order to have a sustainable partnership as well as a family with someone, you need to have them tick at least the majority of those boxes. Yes he is charming, he is caring, he’s a good person who you feel comfortable with, but ultimately is he who you are looking for in a life partner?

It sounds to me like he is a very dear friend, and a lover because there is no one else fulfilling that role. But try to look at it objectively without the fear of losing him in your life and really think on it…is he your person?

Can he be your close and trusted confidante and supporter and have that be enough? Have that be more than enough because he’s fulfilling the exact role that he’s meant to for you? If he’s not your person, by either one of you trying to have him in that space in your life, you’re literally blocking the one who IS your person from being able to come into that space. I sounds like he knows this and doesn’t want to do that to you so he’s removing himself from your life.

So I’m wondering, can he just be that loving support for you? If not, what’s in the way of that?

Look forward to hearing your thoughts!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shannon,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! It definitely sounds like an intense roller coaster that you’ve been on with this guy. When you have amazing sexual chemistry, the pull can be very strong, and it can keep you reaching out to the person to connect even if nothing else is really working. It sounds like you have fun when you’re together, but trying to make it work as a healthy and loving relationship is where things get sticky.

With his patterns of cheating when things get tough and pulling away instead of communicating, it will be hard to make this sustainable. Also from what you said, there’s been some poor communication on your end? It takes two to tango for sure, and the two of you seem to have patterns that keep triggering the other. But there’s care there, along with the addictive pull of really good sex, so you keep on going back, despite your best judgement.

I know you want to find a way to connect with him and you might, but even if you do, it’s going to be more of the same, and is that what you want? Do you think there’s a way that you could be together differently? Where things will be good and not devolve into toxic and unhealthy behaviour? It sounds like there hasn’t been much of that except for at the very beginning when everyone is on their best behaviour.

So before we go about discussing how to get him to respond, I’d like you to think about what you really want from him and how likely it is for you to receive that from him.

Does that make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for sharing all of this and so sorry for my delay in response. Between traveling and all of the holidays, I have been a bit behind on everything! But I am here now, and this is what I have to say.

First off, I so understand where you’re coming from. As an assertive wordsmith myself, I have often gone above and beyond to communicate with someone I care about, under the assumption that the more communication the better, the clearer we are the more we get clarity, so on and so forth. Under normal circumstances with someone who is ont only willing to communicate but is as equally able to, this can work wonders. However it can also seriously backfire if the person you are looking to communicate in depth with does not have that same ability. This is what it seems to be, loud and clear, in this case.
While you and I may see clear communication as a gift and medicine, others see it as an attack and an affront. When they don’t know how to respond and know how important their response is to you, they feel actually hurt and stressed by the fact that you want a response and are waiting hungrily for it. They feel like a failure, because they can’t provide you with what you need from them. They feel less than, unworthy, and the best that they can do is to go silent.

He is telling you that, in not so many words, but you don’t want to listen because you see him in a very favorable light. You have put him on a pedestal that he can’t figure out how to climb onto so instead he is pulling away. Because he himself does not see himself as the amazing person that you do, and until he does, he won’t actually be that person. I’m sorry to have to say this, but I think you’re in love with a memory, a fantasy, and only potential, not reality.

This is why he is so upset when you say that you love him, because in reality, you don’t really know him, not the true adult 35+ someone who he is today. If you did, how could you love him? He is not where he wants to be, who he wants to be, doing what he wants to do. Your love is pressure for him to make changes to become the man that you love and that you see him as. He’s not ready to go there, and he may never be. Your letter, while sweet and caring, did smack of an almost irreverent worship that is frankly not the foundation for a healthy relationship. You speak as is you are willing to suffer, put your needs second, and be whoever he needs you to be in order to win his love. That’s not you being your best self.

You want him to tell you all of this, but it doesn’t sound like he has the words, tje capacity, of even the self awareness to describe what is going on and why he’s reacting this way. If you keep insisting on getting that closure from him, he will stop talking with you altogether because the more you ask for that, the more it presses into him the fact that he is broken and not the man that you think he is.

It sounds like you are looking to have a deeply intense romantic relationship with him, and I understand why, but it doesn’t sound realistic for him to sustain that level of intensity for more than just a weekend. Not because of any faults in you, but because of him. So you have to decide. Are you willing to be satisfied with who he is and what he can give you? It doesn’t sound like you are and frankly I don’t think that you should be. You are obviously a deeply caring person who has so much to offer in a relationship. You can’t force someone to change to be who or where you want them to be. You can only take them where they are. But if that isn’t what you want, you will be unhappy and dissatisfied, and that’s no way to live.

WHile I know this isn’t what you want to hear, I think the next steps are to determine how you can let go of the fantasy that you have of him and your life together, and start looking clearly at who he actually is and what he offers in relationship, and make a decision as to what you truly want from that vantage point.

Trying to get something from him, ie specific words or closure, etc…will likely have you waiting hungrily quite a long time…

I hope you understand that I say all of this from a place of care and compassion and I truly get it because I have been in your shoes more than I’d like to admit. Yearning for someone to be who I know they can be if only they would see themselves like I do, trust in who they truly are, etc ect. It only and always left me yearning endlessly and I hate seeing such an incredible person such as yourself caught in this dreadful loop.

Let me know what you’re thinking.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jada,

I’m so glad to hear that! Im curious to know more about your life if you’d like to share. What other kinds of things are you working on? Also, what is the most important for you to accomplish in the next year, 6 months, 3 months?

xoxo
Spyce

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