[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sherwayne,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend! It can really be so painful when you feel a relationship slipping away with someone that you really care about, and they won’t tell you why, or discuss ways of how to fix it. We are glad that you are here and hope that the messages we exchange can help you determine your next steps.

So to start, please share more about the situation. You said that first 6 months were amazing but the last 2 months you’ve been arguing a lot.
My first question is what made that first 6 months so amazing? And then what changed? Did something happen to create a shift?
Sometimes in the beginning of relationships not all parties are being totally truthful about who they are. Then when the truth comes out, you may discover that you aren’t as compatible as you first thought. Could something like that be happening?

Also you mentioned that you don’t live close. When/how do you see each other? If you aren’t spending much time together that can also create distance, or make the relationship feel only like a fantasy and not sustainable…

I look forward to hearing more and seeing how we can help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

It sounds like you are doing your best to see this time as a good space for reflection and introspection, as well as doing some self care. I’m sorry to hear about your puppies, but it can be helpful to at least have something else to focus on when you are trying to not focus on your emotional life. Also good for you for going to the gym and doing something that’s healthy and bettering your life in many ways. Reading and studying like with the material we have here is a great way to get some input, and of course connecting here with us coaches can help with an outside perspective. So to me you are doing everything right.

The only thing I will say is at this point, you might want to be prepared for this to be a closure conversation, not a coming back together conversation. If he hasn’t made it happen by his point he is definitely avoiding something, which isn’t a good sign. Whether he doesn’t want to disappoint you, or he is just afraid within himself, he is not making it a priority to have this discussion with you, and that does speak to something.

It also doesn’t speak well to his communication and coping skills, something super important in any healthy and sustainable relationship. It seems like a much larger issue on his end than anything to do with you, and you might need to look at some of the larger “elephant in the room” type signs here and ask yourself…is this really the type of person that you want to be with? Someone who steps away when they are uncomfortable, stressed, etc; someone who leaves you alone to deal with the emotions. Are you ok with that being the MO in your relationship? He’s not showing signs of knowing how to do anything different…

I know that you felt really good with this guy at first, but the truth is that you don’t really know him well enough to see who he is, and now he’s showing his truer colors. It sounds like you are a very high functioning person. Is this who you want to be with? Is he up to your standards of communication and self reflection?

These might be some good questions to start asking yourself…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

Thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry to hear that it’s been taking awhile to have the conversation that you’re hoping will give you some insight or closure. I don’t really want to speculate on what he’s going to say as I feel like that can be nerve-wracking, so better just to focus on you. How are you coping? How are you feeling?

What are you doing to take some good self care?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

I just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Were you ever able to have an in depth conversation and find out what he’s been feeling? Were you able o get some clarity or some closure?

Wondering how you’re doing,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I see that you posted in another part of the forum but I’ll just consolidate your questions and write to you over here.

First off, I just want to say that I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this with his person that you care about, and have been trying to develop a connection with. I hate to say it, but I feel like you trying seems to be the theme here…let’s look a little deeper.

Unfortunately this is the classic case of someone who “doesn’t want to be in a relationship” but is in a relationship and is doing all of the things that people in relationships do, except talk about and acknowledge their relationship! It’s unfair because they want to get all of the glory, without being willing to put in the work. They will reap the benefits, but when the going gets tough, the tough wants to pretend he doesn’t care, and that’s not a fair or nice way to be with someone, let alone someone who you are spending most of your waking hours being an intimate partner to.

Sounds like he is scared of many things. Relationships for one…what is his history? Do you know what other kinds of scenarios he’s been in? For how long? What are his connections with his exes now?
Obviously he is scared of commitment, or at the least, speaking about and acknowledging the commitment. What is his history there? Maybe he’s seen things fall apart when people are committed, and then they are trapped. It sounds like he could also be afraid of getting into something if he doesn’t feel ready in his life yet to go there. 28 is not super young but it’s also not that old. How old are you? Do you have any kids that he interacts with? Or are there other responsibilities in your life that he doesn’t share, or does?

It also sounds like he is not comfortable with confrontation, or with communication much at all. Sometimes if people don’t know what to say, they will avoid the conversation at all costs, and would rather sweep things under the rug rather than even admitting to their feelings, let alone speaking of them. This sucks because when things are pushed away they just fester, and then when they do come out (as they eventually have to), everyone feels worse and things disintegrate much quicker than they would have if people were just honest from the beginning.

There is a lot to unpack here so let’s just start out with some bite sized chunks for now. I’ll look forward to learning more about you guys and seeing how we can help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

Thanks for checking back in with me. I’m sorry that you haven’t gotten a response but I’m not surprised. To be honest, I think that your message was too vague and passive for him to recognize that you’re at a breaking point, or trying to do something different.

It could be that there’s nothing left here and he has just truly disconnected, but if it were me, I’d want to know that I was super clear in my communications with him, even just for my own closure. That being said, you have to lay it on the line.

Now I’m not a fan of texting important or sensitive issues, but you might feel like you can express yourself better that way as you can edit and go back over things before expressing them. If you prefer phone, I’d recommend messaging and just simply asking: can we have a phone conversation? If you ask for tha and he doesn’t a least give that to you, he’s too broken to continue to mess with. If he does, or if you decide that you’d rather text with him, here’s the next step.

Go back and see what I wrote above. You need to lay it all out on the line and be transparent. You have nothing to lose at this point. If he’s going to jump ship because he’s scared, he’s already going to. But if he’s waffling and doesn’t know that you’re about to jump ship, being straightforward about your feelings is only going to help the situation. And whatever happens, it will create some kind of conclusion here.

So instead of just sending a casual how are you message, I would recommend letting him know exactly how you feel, and tell him that you need to know how he’s feeling. You don’t want to make any assumptions but you also don’t want to waste time waiting for someone who just isn’t able to come through. So you need to ask him straight out what’s going on.

Do you think that you can do that or if not, what’s getting in the way?

Keep me posted 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

I’m so glad to hear that this is helpful! Are you going to talk with him? Please keep me posted and let me know how it all goes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

I totally understand what you’re saying about the typical silence patterns. Often if a man is going silent, I do say that he is clearly showing disinterest but not everything is black and white and I don’t know if that’s the case in this situation. And neither do you since you don’t know him that well. So if it were me, I’d ask him since I am a very transparent person.

First off, I would be honest and say what you just said to me. That typically when someone goes silent your assumption is that they are not interested in connection with you, but being that you know that he’s going through a lot, you want to know if that’s the case.

So as you said, there’s been no direction, and at this point, you need some. Waiting for him to be “ready to talk” is dicey because you don’t know how long that will be, and you don’t want to keep hanging on with no end in sight.
If you’re going to wait and be there for him in the meantime, you do owe it to yourself to make sure that this is in fact what’s going on, and that he is still interested in pursuing something with you, but is overwhelmed. You don’t want to be patient and then 3 months down the road find out that he’s dating someone else while you were sitting around giving him space.

There is a chance that when approached he may say what you don’t want to hear, that he can’t do this right now, etc etc, but if that’s the eventual end game, better to know so sooner than later. I’d be very clear in what you’ve expressed to me. That you care and want to make this work, that you are compassionate to what he’s going through, that you want to be patient and supportive. You are not giving him an ultimatum, you just need to know how his brain works. It’s hard because many men do want to be the hero and would rather just walk away if they can’t give you their all at that very moment, but real life long relationships are based on the thick and the thin. So it’s ok to be together through the thin if he’s committed to getting to the thick with you by his side.

How does this sound to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Selah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I understand that this guy is intriguing to you. It sounds like you feel like there’s something special going on here that he doesn’t share with other women, and so maybe you can experience something together that neither of you can experience apart. Let’s look a little deeper at the situation.

First thing I want to point out is that it’s always important to be cautious with sating someone that you work with. If things don’t work out, then you still have to see them everyday. Now if you care more about connecting with him than you do about the job, then that’s one thing. But be prepared to be uncomfortable with being at work if you get too deep with this guy.

It sounds like you already know the deal with this guy but you want to trick yourself into believing that he will be different with you. Why do you think that’s the case? People are who they are, and they can’t change based on who they are with. If he is showing you a different side of himself, he is either being fake with you, or with everyone else. Which one do you think it is?

You said that he’s “a player”, who “always has girls wrapped around his finger”. Is that the kind of guy that you think would make a good boyfriend?

You gave him the chance to get to know you and he flaked, and then hasn’t made the effort to reschedule. This is not a guy who is putting in an effort to connect with you or get to know you. And supposedly he has a girlfriend?

I’m sorry honey, but this situation is full of issues. Why do you want to pursue someone who is giving you no indication that they are interested or able to be the person you deserve?

I get that you all are young, but that’s not a good excuse. Because you are young, it would be good to develop patterns of good behaviour early on, so you don’t waste years of heartbreak chasing after guys who are not going to be a good partner. You have to see that when someone shows you who they are, don’t make excuses for them. Believe them.

What do you think about what I’ve shared with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Zoe,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I know it can be really difficult o know what to do when things very suddenly seem to change. We are glad that you came here seeking support!

It can be very hard to start something new when you are going through something intense and emotionally traumatic. Because you don’t know the person well enough yet, you don’t want to lean on them too heavily and push them away, and you also don’t want them to see you at your worst, or in a difficult position. Of course with men, this is even more difficult as men want to be the providers, the strong ones, etc, so it’s not shocking that he is pulling away right now.

Obviously he cares about you, and it doesn’t sound like this has anything to do with feelings for you, so you shouldn’t take it personally. But the question is, what should you do now?

While I would never recommend that anyone blatantly wait around for someone, I do believe in the nuance of life, and how every story has its own fingerprint. It sounds like you truly believer that you have something special with him, and that there’s nothing negative indicative in his personality or your relationship together. If he was a friend going through a difficult time, I wouldn’t recommend to drop him like a hot potato, but I would take a deep look at your expectations so you don’t get hurt by what’s happening.

It also depends on your personal constitution and how this is going to affect you emotionally and mentally. If you can not take it personally, and recognize that he is going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, then you might be ok. If you do feel that way, then I would give him space, while also being a constant in his life. What that means is to reach out, but not expect anything in return from him right now. I wouldn’t be messaging him asking for help as that just puts him into the position of having to be strong for you, something he’s having a hard time with in general. So my tactic would be to be the strong one for him. Reach out and say things like, “I just wanted to say hi and let you know I’m sending you good wishes” or even if you truly feel this way, “I’d like to be there for you. Call me and vent”. Things like that.

By offering him your support instead of making this about you, his feelings for you, or your relationship, you will show him that you’re a strong and confident person. Maybe that will inspire him to lean on you, which creates connection and a bond. if you want to marry him, you will want to be there with him through thick and thin. Show him what an asset you can be to him on his worst days, and he may be more desirous to keep you around.

How does that sound to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Susan,

Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with you, it’s such a devastating situation and I’m so sorry! It hurts so much and is so shocking to have the rug pulled out from under you like that with no warning. Sudden loss is one of the worst kinds of pain because we have no time to prepare for it, and as you mentioned, no closure. I am truly sorry that you are going through this experience and I hope that we can help give you some comfort during this difficult time.

It really sounds like this man has a deep seated pattern that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. He pulls away at the slightest sign of things not being perfect or “fun” and not only is that not mature or kind, it’s also just not fair or realistic.

Let’s discuss reality first. Life is full of joy for sure, but you can’t have the sweet without the sour and many difficult experiences are going to come about if you are on this planet long enough. If you’re blessed to make it to a certain age in life and not have had to deal with your demons, you will eventually, because no one gets out alive. Having someone by your side who will be in it with you for all of it is the basis of true love, and a healthy relationship. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health. Someone who is not willing to live by those words will certainly die alone.

In terms of the maturity and kindness, this man is not displaying any of that. Has he had any long term relationships or does he always leave as soon as “life gets real”? If he feels like things are “boring”, that’s a personal issue too. It’s not your job to make his life exciting. If he’s bored, it’s because of his own inabilities to find true pleasure in this world, and it’s not on you to change that for him.

We always like to say around here that it’s not how someone treats you when they are at their best, but how they treat you at their worst that counts, and he is showing you that he is not a decent and upstanding person. You are 56, and I assume that you want someone to grow old with. Do you want to spend any more time with someone who is going to run away at the smallest sign of discomfort? Do you want to become more deeply attached or committed to someone who is willing to leave you abruptly with no care for you after 3 years and buying a house together? If you somehow convince him now to stay, do you think that he wouldn’t pull this again in 5 years, 10 years, etc when you’re even that much more dependent on him?

I know it’s hard to want to believe this, but as they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And this is really a display of his true colors.

Awaiting your response,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I actually don’t think that you are alone in feeling like the place where you live is super important and can affect everything. I am glad to hear that you are looking at making some positive changes in your life that involve less work and more enjoying of life. It sounds like this job, ironically enough, is showing you that you can live with much less money than you thought, so maybe that can be a blessing. If this job is the one that makes you run screaming back to Calgary and decide to take a low stress job where you can relax on a daily basis, then I’d say it’s a win for sure!

I do truly believe that once you’re in an environment where you’re truly happy, everything else will fall into place.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Deborah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! First off, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is so devastating, and to lose a partner at this stage in life and have to get back into the dating pool is so hard. Have you been to any support groups, or have found others in a similar situation? Either way I feel for you and am glad that you are here. Hopefully we can help you become more successful and find someone great!

I do agree that you shouldn’t have to wait until some time in the figure when you have everything “perfect” in your life to start dating. Life and nothing in it is perfect, and if you’d like some companionship now, there’s no reason to not start looking for it. I just don’t want you to get disheartened too quickly, because online dating can be really tough. Swiping on someone based on a look when you know nothing about the person really is not a great way to meet someone. Really it’s a numbers game, so to be honest, actually meeting four guys isn’t that bad! Bur you probably will have to go on a LOT more dates before you find a love connection.

In terms of what to say in your profile, have you thought about saying that you’re widowed? There’s a big difference between someone who was never married or in a long term relationship, and someone who was with someone for years but just never legally got married. I’d assume it can be a red flag for someone if at a certain age someone is not divorced, but there can be ways around it. Do you have to indicate that or can you just write single? If you’d like to post some of the verbiage from your profile I’d be happy to look it over and give you some pointers.

Another thing to chew on, is that maybe online dating just isn’t for you. As mentioned above, it’s not always the best medium for meeting people. I know it’s more challenging with covid, but nothing beats meeting people in person over shared interests. Might be something to think about!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Corrine,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It’s obvious that you have done a good amount of self reflection and are aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Good for you! You sound like you’d make an excellent partner, and the right man is going to be very lucky.

That being said, this man could be the right one, but only if he knows it, wants it, and is going to do his own inner work to be it. As you mentioned, it’s too soon for you to “course correct” him, and even in the most committed of relationships, it’s rarely anyone’s responsibility but the person who is dealing with the fear or what have you. It’s nice that he’s looking at patterns by reading self help books, but reading some books and actually making different choices in life are two very different things, as I’m sure you’re aware of.

I can understand how good chemistry can make one feel more connected to someone where other aspects of the connection are unrealistic and if you’ve been out of touch with the relationship world for awhile, I am sure that feeling would be intensified as well. But even from what you said about your connection with him, it doesn’t sound like something to hang your hat on.

For example: how well we get along (when we aren’t talking about anything too serious), Hmmm….and again…he was fulfilling all those things that I wanted in a partner, until it got more serious

The point of dating for most people is to have it grow into something more serious. If you are only having a fun time on a surface level, that’s all that your relationship will ever be…surface. So maybe he’s a fun activity partner, but not someone to build a real relationship with.

And then: I put off this “I want more” vibe
There is NOTHING wrong with that! The right person will want more too. As we’ve been discussing, if this man pulls away when you try to get deeper, then he’s not the man for you to deepen with.

You talked about being in relationship where they were giving more and you felt smothered. Why do you think that you feel uncomfortable with someone giving to you? You feel like you “should embrace it”, but obviously something is holding you back.

Of course giving can feel very good, but having a level of equality in a relationship, where both people are truly invested, really does feel the best. Do you know what is making you pull away from having a relationship like that, and what attracts you to people where you are the one more in a giver role? Does it make you feel more in control, and like they won’t leave or reject you? Why does it feel uncomfortable to relax and be taken care of?

Looking forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sabaa,

Thanks you for sharing more about the situation. It’s nice that you want to help, but if he’s unappreciative then you are not really being nice to yourself, and you’re not helping him either. What is it that you do? Do you have a good amount of disposable income to give to him?

Even if you do, it’s not your responsibility to help this person pay his family’s bills. I’m sorry to say but he is not a nice person and he is using you. You say you care about him, but he does not care about you or he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

I will ask you again: what are you getting out of this relationship?

You asked: Is there anything I could say that would make him just be normal again

What do you mean by normal? What makes you think that the way he was treating you before is his normal behaviour and not how he is being now? How long were you with him? When did you start lending him money?

Sometimes people are just nice to get what they want and then when they have it, they become jerks and walk away. His behaviour is toxic and abusive. We need to get to the root of why you are so determined to keep connecting to him, what you think is going to change, and why.

xoxo
Spyce

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