[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melissa,

Good to hear that you had that difficult conversation, even though I’m sure it had some challenges. It sounds like you were really able to express yourself and show a nice level of understanding to his feelings and what he’s been going through. I’d think that helps! Did he appreciate that you were trying to take his needs into consideration and were offering help with the things that he’s feeling overwhelmed about?

How did you leave things? You say that you really do feel like there is hope, and that you both realize the issues at hand. Having that realization is definitely a good step in the right direction. I guess the question is, what does he want to do with that realization? Is he willing to work on the issues that have been getting in the way?
You also said that he is someone who takes time to process his emotions. But since you’ve done this before and after processing he came back to be together, are you feeling like that could happen again? Maybe after he has some time to think and feel like what it feels to not be together, he will become more willing to deal with the issues.

There is that old saying…”If you love someone set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If they don’t, they never were.” You may have to employ that mantra with him, at least for now. I’d recommend staying in touch, but also really giving him the space to do these things that he’s felt like he’s wanted to do, but has instead been focused on the relationship. Let him have time for himself and his own self care. Maybe this can help the relationship to grow from a more organic place and eventually bring you closer.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I did get to Italy, but not enough. My Italian husband is dying to go so hopefully one of these days!

So I have a crazy idea here, but have you ever thought of leaving a job that you hate without having another one already lined up? And then maybe just having faith in the thought that A) you are very employable, B) you are a fierce survivor, and C) you can make it work?

And then there’s also the ideas of “leap and the net will appear”, “the universe rewards actions”, “law of attraction”, etc, etc. Or, as you might look at it, it’s in God’s hands, and God is good.

Have you ever thought that maybe if you just did something totally just to make yourself happy, that maybe positive change would follow? Like maybe if you made the decision to just go home for a few months and figure out the job thing, maybe within a few weeks Dynamask would message you with the perfect thing? Sometimes new things just will not come into your life until you let go of something that makes way for it.

This is how I live. I’m a manifestor. And I do see a powerful manifestor in you as well. You are like a cat, you land on your feet. So who’s to say you wouldn’t land on your feet if you just listened to your gut and your heart’s desire, instead of doing what’s safe and “right”?

Anyway, just throwing that out there! You need to do what you need to do in the time that you feel is right and best. I support and applaud that. Just every once in awhile, I gotta throw a little “spice” in there 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Joselin,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

What I see here is a very classic case of lack of communication. It’s totally understandable and more than fine that you were reacting the way that you were in the situation. You’ve been through hell with your ex and it can take a lot to trust someone new. So there is nothing abnormal about you wanting to take things slow and get to know him a bit better before diving in. In many ways, it sounds like he kept being persistent and you gave in, and I wonder if it was in fact that and only that, that made you start with him in the first place.

From there on out, was it that you actually got to know him and really started to like him? Or was it more about having someone to pay that attention to you, be kind and loving and good to you, something you hadn’t experienced before? Or did/do you really feel like you could have a future with this man?

Him losing interest is natural too because what he obviously wants is a real adult relationship. One that’s full of mutual support, connection, and not drama and fighting. He’s older too and doesn’t have the time to waste with someone who isn’t really into what he wants. So when it started to become obvious to him that this wasn’t going where he wanted, he started pulling away.

But before you try and reel him back in, I want you to really think about the questions that I asked above. Do you really want him, or did you just want him because of propinquity and all that, and do you just want him now because he’s putting on the brakes?
Or, have you grown to really care about him and can see a future?

Let me know more about which way you’re feeling and we can delve in!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for sharing more and providing a better picture of the trajectory of your life and relationship together. From what you’re telling me, it sounds like this push and pull dynamic has been in play for the entirety of your relationship, and even in previous relationships that you’ve had before. It’s good that you recognize this as a pattern, have learned where it comes from, and you’re trying your hardest to work through it and move on to healthier behaviours.

The thing now, is whether or not he is still willing to keep going in this dynamic with you. Of course you can say that you feel like you’ve made a breakthrough and maybe you have, but try to see it from his perspective. It’s been years now of him being supportive and possibly even putting his own needs to the side to be there for you while you’ve dealt with intimacy issues, etc. You can’t blame the guy for feeling weary and mistrustful that suddenly now things are going to be different, when they’ve been different and then have gone back to the way that they were.

Also, trauma isn’t linear. Sure you can have a breakthrough and feel like things will be different, but you can’t know for sure until you are confronted with the issues that you’ve struggled with and in that moment are able to do something different.

To me it sounds like if you want to salvage the relationship, you both have to commit to impeccable communication. Not letting anything slide or fester, or be left unaddressed. As mentioned, it seems that he has his own unchecked trauma, that hopefully he will be willing to address. If he is willing to get therapy, and/or maybe the two of you can go to therapy together, maybe you have a chance.

But he needs to be able to realize that he has issues too and it’s not just you. It sounds like the relationship has always been about addressing your needs, and so he feels pushed to the side and like his needs don’t matter. You need to acknowledge this, and give him the opportunity to fall apart as well. He is feeling uncared for, and if you want him to continue giving to this relationship, you have to start asking what he needs, instead of just assuming and trying to change yourself to be what he wants. See if you can get him to open up about his true desires and maybe just even let him vent a bit. If you can provide a safe space for him to have his emotions without feeling like it’s the end of the world, it might really help him to feel more resourced and less like he’s being dragged down by the relationship.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melissa,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! First off, I want to say that you are a very brave woman. Everything that you just described doing above takes so much courage! To be able to even acknowledge that you’ve been abused is an incredible first step. From there you’ve made so many steps time and again to work through everything that you’ve been through and begin the healing process. You faced the memories and are doing the difficult work. I don’t even know you yet, but I am so proud of you. You’re incredible. Nice work!

I hope you can recognize how much amazing and strong work that you are doing because it sounds like you are being very down on yourself and blaming yourself for everything that you’re going through in your relationship. It sounds like you really want to make this relationship work, and so of course when your bf says that he is not happy, done, etc, you naturally feel like you did something wrong, and that you have to be the one to change or fix it. It makes sense that you would feel that way, and while it’s true that only you can change yourself and you can’t fix anyone else, it’s also true that it’s never just one person’s responsibility to change. Sometimes people are just different, or grow apart, or have too much of their own stuff to handle being healthy in relationship and have to be alone for awhile to figure it out. And sometimes people can grow and heal together and become better versions of themselves. Of course that’s what everyone wants, but it take a lot of hard work and commitment from both parties to be all in.

I have to be truthful in that I do see some inherent issues here. You have trauma and it’s obvious he has trauma too, even if he’s not acknowledging and working on it the way that you are. Your intimacy issues are triggering his issues; specifically around self worth, attraction, feeling loved and supported, etc. So while you’re going through all these difficult things, he might be feeling like he has a lot of difficult things in his life as well, and that he needs his own therapy and support. But he’s not getting it, and so that makes his resentful of your healing, and always having to be in support to you. Do you think that could be the case?
Even if it is, it’s NOT your fault, that’s one thing. But this will need to be addressed before you can solve anything.

You also mentioned that he is a poor communicator, and since clear communication is really the cornerstone of a healthy and sustainable dynamic, if you don’t have that, it’s going to make it hard to stay connected. If he’s having all these feelings and won’t bring them up, they are going to fester and erode the relationship. Being able to have the really hard conversations in a kind and compassionate is going to be important to making any headway here.

But before that, I have a few questions…
You’ve been together for over four years, which is a pretty long time! How have you been able to getting a long all of this time? What has it been like? have you been experiencing a lack of intimacy, miscommunication, lack of support from each other, etc this whole time? And you mentioned six months ago. What exactly happened six months ago that made anything different?

You certainly know each other well enough to know what the other can bring to the table, so what is it? What do you really love about him? What makes your relationship special? Why do you want to make it work with specifically him?

There seems to be a lot to unpack here, so let’s get started with that!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

The trips sound great! It’s certainly a smart plan to do that traveling now while you are being paid to be in the area, and you can take the time to do so. I always wanted to travel in Europe, but never really did besides a cruise where we spent a couple of extra nights in the port city. It happened to be Barcelona and that was fun, but I never got to visit all of the places where my ancestors are from. Mostly Irish, Welsh, and French on my dad’s side, and then Romanian/Eastern European on my mom’s. Then my husband’s family is from Italy & Sicily. Talking about it reminds me of how much I’d love to get over there. Hopefully one of these days!

I keep trying to tell myself it’s me and I have a bad attitude and a chip on my shoulder and I should appreciate the times he’s nice, but something in my gut tells me something isn’t right.

OMG Rhonda, trust your gut! And please don’t try to shoulder the blame for someone else’s bad behaviour!! That is an old pattern that you must recognize and break. You DON’T have a bad attitude or chip on your shoulder. You’re extremely helpful, kind, intelligent, and you make the work environment a better place. Appreciating the times that he’s nice makes it sound like he’s entitled to be a jerk when in reality, a boss is someone who should be nice all the time, not just dole it out like it’s some reward for a job well done. That’s BS! Just know that you deserve to be treated well, professionally and personally. No one gets to treat you poorly, even if they are paying you!

I do understand that most businesses can take capital to start. I’ve been an entrepreneur for most of my adult life, so it’s just in my makeup to start and build businesses. It is good when you can sell something that doesn’t cost you much to make, so I think your photography biz could work well. I understand that you have expenses now that you have to take care of, but I am rooting for you to be able to follow your heart in the near future, once you can get back home. I’m excited for that as I know you are too!

In the meantime, keep on keeping on as I know you will 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lindsay,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for writing in! We look forward to learning more about you and seeing how we can help you manifest the relationship you’re looking for.

In terms of this particular guy, I would say a few things. First off, when dating someone for a mere few weeks, it’s impossible to know whether or not you want to “be together”, in any real and sustainable way. You just don’t know the person well enough, and so most of what you’re getting from each other is projection. We have a tendency as humans to make assumptions. So if you meet someone and they have some qualities that you are wanting in someone, you might assume that they have others. But just because someone has C,D,F, & G, doesn’t mean that they have all of the other letters necessary to have a true partnership. Getting to know someone takes time, and if you want something lasting, you have to be willing to put in that time.

What you’re describing is a pretty common pattern. People tend to jump in head first, because it feels so good to want and be wanted, and then at some point you realize that you actually have a life to attend to and you can’t spend all of your time texting with someone that you barely know. Even if you want to get to know them, life does get hectic, as your new friend knows too well.

So no, you shouldn’t be worried. What you should be is patient, confident, and know what you bring to the table. Speaking of, tell me more about you. You heading says “39 & still single”. What has your relationship life been like so far?

Look forward to learning more about you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I just wanted to pop in and say hi! Even though we haven’t chatted in awhile, I am still keeping up with your journey.

Sounds like you’re making the best of your situation, and at least taking the time in Europe to travel and see places. That’s exciting!

Of course socially it can be hard when you’re a stranger in a strange land, but it seems like there is a shelf life on your time there anyway, so perhaps the grin and bear it approach works ok for right now. Being homesick though is tough. Even though I love my life in California, I miss my people in New York dearly for sure.

Sorry to hear that your boss is such a jerk. have you ever thought about finding a way to be your own boss, and/or boss to others? I think you’d be really good at it! You are great with managing systems, and I’d assume people too! Is that something that you ever think of?

Anyway, I just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that I’m wishing you well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Erica,

I know you feel sad and rejected, and I want to honor that for a moment. What you are going through is really hard, and it’s really difficult to stay strong when you’ve created a boundary, and then feel a sense of regret. But I’m here to tell you, what you did was strong and good, and so much better for you in the long run, even if it hurts a lot right now.

In the last email you were trying to justify why you left him (all of the awful things he did) and I was in agreement with that fact, and how you did the best thing you could do for yourself and your family. Your sense of self, self respect, dignity, etc, has all been annihilated by this man and your connection to him. You need to acknowledge how toxic it is. You know, because you told me so and you did the courageous thing and left. But now he is “punishing you” with lies of how he loves another woman, and trying to make you believe that it’s all your fault. You had a good man who was willing to love you, but you messed up. So now he’s going to give all of his good lovin to someone who deserves it.
Do you see how deceitful and manipulative this is?

He said because of how I let my kids treat him he became really disrespectful to me. He kept me up all the time verbally bashing me and my kids. He hates my daughter. He started calling me the “n” word when we would fight.

Aren’t these all things that happened AFTER his drunken rant at the funeral?

I understand that there were good things and good times. No one is all bad. But some relationships bring out in the worst in people, and no one can be treated so poorly by someone they are with and call it love. I’m sorry.

He tells me he does not want me, does not love me, he is happy with this woman who makes him happy and makes him feel alive and it is my fault because I left. If I didn’t leave he would have stayed loyal but he said I made that choice and he has moved on and is in love with this person.

He is saying all of this…and everything…to get a rise out of you. He doesn’t “love” this woman. He doesn’t even know her! He wants to upset you, make you feel bad and rejected like he did.
The bes thing you can do is ignore him. Stop telling him how much you want him, that’s what he wants to hear. That’s giving him your power. If you really want him to chase you, stop messaging him. Go on with your life and see how quickly he contacts you.

How do you think that would work? Any other ideas?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Erica,

Thank you for sharing more about your story. I have to say that I find it interesting that I asked, what do you love about being with him, and what makes you want to get back with him, and you told me some pretty horrific ways that he has treated you and your family, including the disrespect he showed to your dead grandmother’s memory.

Read over what you just told me he did, and please answer…if a girlfriend came to you and told you that this is what being with her man was like, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to stay with him, or would you tell her to leave?

This behaviour is super toxic, downright abusive and honestly very scary. My questions comes back: What do you love about being with him?

I want to know what makes you want to fight for a man who treats you in this scary and disrespectful way. What are you getting from it?
This is not right, and you deserve to be with someone who will be kind and respectful to you as a human first and foremost. Nothing here is good or healthy.

Please let me know your thoughts,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Erica,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. It certainly sounds like you are going through some very intense and tough circumstances! We are glad that you reached out, and hopefully we can help you carefully unpack all of this and be able to get to a stable place in your life.

First off, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. It sounds like so much heartache with this man and your children. It’s so difficult when someone treats you one way, being sweet and kind, compliments, etc; and then turns around and proclaims the total opposite. It can be crazy making to love someone like that, and I want you to know that what you’re going through is not right. There is a name for it, and it’s called gaslighting, and people do it when they have really low self esteem and want to feel powerful.

To me it sounds like he wants to hurt you because of how you hurt him. He feels like you “left him”, so he’s now going to reject you. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together and how old you are, but nobody meets someone new after a serious relationship and just falls in love with the new person. He is trying to upset you, trying to control you, and it sounds like he’s accomplishing that.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s hard to not react from a place of trauma and trigger when someone is treating you this way, so I don’t want you to feel like you caused this to happen. But I will say that you might be the only one who can stop it…

Tell me more about the situation as I’m a little confused. What do you mean by I moved out 2 months ago because of tension and chaos in the house, mostly from my daughter.
Does your daughter live in the house with you and your husband? Is she not his daughter? Is she a minor or?

You also said that he had become so disrespectful and the house was so uncomfortable all the time

I have to say, that doesn’t sound like a healthy and loving relationship to begin with. What do you love about being with him? You had such a strong desire to leave, that you did, which not many people do. It must have really been bad. What makes you want to get back with him?

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sherwayne,

Hope you’ve been well! I apologize for the gap in response. We are not usually on the forum on weekends. Sorry you had to wait.

I also am sorry if the things I’m saying are not what you want to hear. It is so difficult when we see so much good in a situation with someone, but there is something significant that the other person would need to recognize in order for it to work. We want to do everything in our power to find the thing that will help give them that realization. It’s rarely up to us, though. So not that we have to give up, but we do have to be realistic and care for our own self above all. That is key.

As far as using the advice from the book, we have a few different programs so I’m not sure which exact one you are referring to. In many of them we do explore the scenario where women are trying to get a man to open back up to them, and there are different things to try. The 12 word text can work, but it sounds like you’ve tried something similar and it didn’t work, or didn’t last. To me I felt like we are past that, which is why I recommended other ideas about how to approach your situation, with consideration of your unique situation.

If you feel most comfortable with the approach of activating his hero instinct, I am happy to help you formulate how to say it. What would you ask him to help you with?

Since you guys aren’t really talking at this point, all you can do is try different things and see what happens. I think the best course of action would be to just see how you guys can start talking and connecting again, then we can take it from there.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sherwayne,

I’m so sorry if my response came off as harsh, and if its something that you didn’t want to hear. As much as I support you in doing whatever it takes to keep connecting with your man, I couldn’t live with myself if I just told people what they want to hear and wasn’t honest about the things I’ve come to learn about relationships, human nature, etc.

But in all reality, I don’t think that what I said is all bad! It sounds to me like there is a possibility of inroads with him, it’s just the way that you go about it. I don’t think that people make changes in their lives unless they truly desire it, but it also seems like he is still open to some connection, and connection can create comfortability, and maybe you can slowly build back towards intimacy with him.

You mentioned that I also stopped sharing . I’m not a good listener – which I am working on currently. I’d always interrupt him when he tried to say something in our arguments and fights. I’d cut him off. He said I that I’m not interested in listening in what he has to say and I’m only interested in my own feelings.

There’s some really clear information in here. He is feeling unheard and unsupported by you. Maybe he feels uncared for as well. We’ve established that he has trust issues, and they are resurfacing with you. So if you want him to feel comfortable with you, he has to feel like he can trust you. Also it sounded like he was opening up to you, but then shut down, which makes sense if he feels like you’re not listening. So I don’t think cutting off contact is the way to go in this situation. wouldn’t that just make him feel more unheard?

If I were you I’d reach out and just start making casual conversation and see how he reacts. That would be the first step in testing the waters of where he is at. Once you’ve gotten more information in that realm, maybe you can go about determining how you can rebuild trust with him.

How about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sherwayne,

I totally get where you’re coming from and I appreciate that you want to make this relationship work. The concern that I have is that he doesn’t seem to want to make the relationship work, AND he has a history of not having intimacy with anyone really. I feel like it’s a dicey prospect to assume that you’re going to be the one to change someone who isn’t invested in the change themselves, or even recognize that they have a reason to. But of course, I will still give you any ideas that I have for how to talk with him in a reasonable and healthy manner.

My approach is always relaxed, honest, and transparent. I truly believe that if someone can’t handle you at your most authentic and real, then they don’t deserve you. Now I’m not saying to be a mess with someone, but I am saying to not hide your true feelings.

In this case you’re saying: I want him to remember how easily we used to talk about everything and nothing.

Have you tried messaging him and just talking with him like that? Being relaxed and casual? Just treating him like a friend, like how things were before all of the fighting? If you feel confident that he will respond to you, the only way to get the ball rolling is to start pushing it forward. In terms of waiting, do you want to wait? If you don’t, then waiting is just playing games, which is the last thing that you need to do.

Typically I’d recommend letting him know what you need & want out of a situation, but I think in this case, just approaching him without bringing in the past and trying to rehash everything is best. Why not just reach out and treat him in a friendly way and see what happens? If he’s not the kind to hold a grudge, things might just naturally fall back into a connected rhythm. I have to say I don’t think this is a great long term plan as even if you do get close again, if you don’t deal with these issues they will come up again. However if you just want to at least get him feeling comfortable with you enough to the point to maybe open back up a little, you will have to just be relaxed about it, and let things flow naturally.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sherwayne,

Thanks for sharing more of the story. You never need to apologize for “oversharing”, this is the perfect place for it! The more that we know, the more that we can try to figure things out.

And that’s exactly the issue with this man that you’ve been seeing. He is totally inflexible. He is unwilling to be open and honest with you; he creates boundaries out of fear, from a place of being terrified of connection, and what sounds like losing himself in the relationship. Even though he’s the big strong type who doesn’t connect, men like that are just hiding this huge inner part of themselves that is a very sensitive person who desperately afraid of being hurt. Because of this they put up walls and they don’t let anyone in.

Obviously this is a huge issue for him as he doesn’t have close relationships with anyone because of it. As you’ve mentioned he’s disconnected from family and hasn’t had any long term relationships. He’s in a position of power at work, so not only does he not have to connect personally with people at work, it may even be frowned upon.

It also sounds like he has major trust issues, and is so afraid of emotions in general, that anyone who does express themselves is “creating drama” or “crazy”. You asking for the general baseline of connection was seen as too much.

I can understand how it’s very difficult because you see sweetness in this man, and you want that side of him back. It’s natural to feel like you did something wrong, and that you left him “unfulfilled” but I have to tell you that this is not your fault. How can you have a real relationship when as you mentioned, you are privy to such a small segment of each other’s lives? The purpose of a relationship is to share everything deeply. If you don’t have that with someone, what’s the point?

The unfortunate thing is that it sounds like he is not capable of that level of intimacy. It doesn’t matter what you do, because it’s not about you, it’s about him. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you can do to make him change, but it won’t do any good. Unless he sees his way of being in the world as an issue, he’s not going to do anything. It sounds like in his mind, you’re just “incompatible” but from a professional standpoint, he’s incompatible with a healthy relationship.

I know you said that I feel our issues are fixable…
I’m wondering how and why you think that and what you’re thinking you might want to do.

xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts