[Coach Spyce]

Hi Victoria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I do understand how confusing it can be when a man is super sweet and caring with you, but is doing things that lead you to believe that he doesn’t care, doesn’t want to be with you and that you will have to fight nd negotiate for his love. While love can definitely be compromise, it’s tough when it feels like negotiation.

My feeling of what needs to be broken down here is his reasonings for what he’s doing.
Let’s look at what you’ve told us.

He didn’t even want a relationship when we first met, because he’s so negative about it never working out for him

Was that his reason for why he didn’t want a relationship, or was that what you figured out by getting to know him?

He had been happily having casual sex and friendships with several women at once…I know he has been trying to cut back on that

If he has been happily doing it and doesn’t want a relationship, why is he trying to cut back on it?

He has been trying to do it less and less since we’ve been dating, but I have caught him lying about it twice.

So basically at this point he is doing it for you, not for him or for the both of you and your relationship. Because as you said, he may not want a relationship.

Unfortunately What I always say is that when you meet someone new, you need to find out if he wants what you want, and then even more important, if he’s available and ready for it. Has he done the work to be in a relationship? Is he available, and is he Able?

Just like the other woman’s post that you commented on…is this man the kind of man you want to be with, and is this the kind of man that you want to fight for? Is he fighting for you? is he doing the hard work to make changes to be in a relationship, or is he lying to keep doing what he wants to do?

If it’s the latter and not the former, you need to decide from here where you go.

Of course it’s not easy as he is giving mixed messages because he is confused himself and he’s lying because he wants more than one thing. He wants the security of a relationship and genuinely enjoys being with you, but he also wants the freedom and ability to be close with other women. Some people are ok with that style of relationship but if you’re not, then you need to talk with him and find out what he really wants.

Once again he may not know what he wants and he may say “I only want you” and it’ll feel good to believe that but you have to address the lies and know that he is likely going to do it again unless he really wants to make the necessary changes to be in a committed and monogamous relationship. So therein lies the questions…

Let us know how it goes!!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

Thanks for sending an update! It sounds like this man is really confused and highly emotional, which can be quite confusing in and of itself! Because most men are taught not to be emotional, and we as women are taught not to expect men to be emotional, when we meet someone who is, we automatically may believe that he is highly emotionally mature just because of the sheer fact that he is “openly sharing his feelings”. While he is, and that’s different than the average man, that certainly doesn’t make him any more emotionally evolved than the man who pulls away, it just makes him a different animal.

The fact is, he is scared, petrified from the sound of it. Is he scared of commitment? Intimacy? Settling? The answer to that lies in his past experiences and also parts of his personality. It sounds like he is insecure, and uses the instant gratification of messaging women that he doesn’t really know to make him feel better about himself. To be fair, it doesn’t exactly sound like he’s getting together with more than one at a time, but he likes to keep them around in case whoever he has in play doesn’t work out. Wgicg they usually don’t because he won’t give his full attention. Then when it doesn’t work out he can rely on his story “he just can’t never dated anyone longer than 2-3 months” and the cycle continues.

Right now, the one he has in play right now is you, and it sounds like for the most part, it doesn’t feel that good. The reason why, is because he has a boatload of issues that he has to work through before he can show up as a solid partner in any way. So it’s up to you. If you are cool with messing around and having fun, then continue to hang out with him, but don’t expect him to stop doing what he’s doing. He’s not ready for that and he doesn’t know any other way to be.

If you want a solid partner, then you have to tell him goodbye and take your game piece off the board. So that’s for you to decide…

My question is…what do you get from staying up with him all night video chatting? Does it make you feel special and chosen? What makes you want to stay in play and get him to make you his main piece?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Christina,

Well I can see your dilemma. There is that expression…”when someone shows you who they are, believe them”, and so I can see why his testimonies are giving you pause. Have you asked him why he says that? Does he struggle with monogamy? Is he not monogamous? Is he actually wanting something less exclusive? I think the question is (well one of them): does he want to be monogamous or not? To say, “I’m probably going to sleep with another woman”, indicates to me that he may not want monongamy but doesnt know how to say it. Also that could be the reason why he’s “not rady for a relationship”. It could be that he’s not ready for sexual exclusivity. While our society is getting more open to alternative relationship styles, the norm is still that unless you’re sexually exclusive with someone, you can’t have a deep or committed relationship. As a relationship coach I tend to disagree with this, as I find what’s most important in a relationship is communication, trust, and being on the same page. I’ve seen good and bad situations in mono and non-mono relationships, but when those three pillars are strong, the relationship can be successful.

That being said, I’d say that having a more in depth conversation with him about his ultimate, as well as his immediate desires might be a good idea. As much as it sounds like you have some really nice energy together, if you don’t have the same desires or ideals in relationship, it will end up in heartache for both.

I know you’ve said that you want a man who wants to be only with you, and if that’s what’s important, you need to stick to that. And then have a real honest conversation with him as to whether or not he wants that, or if he will just do it because of his commitment to you. If the latter is the case, he is right in that he will eventually sleep with someone else, and you are right to be concerned.

Hopefully the clear communication that you’ve had thus far will continue and you can both get clarity on what your connection might look like.

Keep me posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! We are glad that you are here asking for help, and we look forward to helping you make some sense out of what’s happening, and see what we can do to create some clarity in your confusing situation.

First off, I’m so sorry to hear that your husband is cutting you out of his life like that, in such a sudden way. But to be fair, it sounds like for him, that’s the only way that he could do it. The reason I say this is because when someone makes such a hasty choice, they are almost always doing so from being triggered, so experiencing some sort of trauma. For him to jump into a new serious relationshiip with someone he barely knows, smacks of someone trying really hard to make sense of a confusing situation, and being deep into a fantasy, not anything that’s based in reality.

This is what I always say whenever someone gets too deep too quickly. While I would never say that it absolutely can’t work, it’s not likely that it will, for many reasons. But mainly because they don’t actually know each other, so deciding that they are “perfect” for each other, is not an idea based in reality. But since it is long distance, they could potentially keep it going for awhile. Hard to say.

In general, is your husband an impulsive person? Also can you please share more about the circumstances of your seperation? It sounds like you still spent a lot of time together and were very connected. Were you doing any therapy together during this time? Did you come to some kind of conclusion with any of your discussions or were you just in a state of limbo around what would happen? Did anything of significance happen before he said that he was no longer in love with you? Or was it perhaps due to him meeting this other woman?

I look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Christina!

Thanks so much for all that you’ve shared and I apologize for the delay in response. I so understand how all of the losses that you’ve sustained in life can make you want to hole up and not open yourself up to love. It’s totally reasonable and of course that’s what your head will convince your heart of. But the heart isn’t as reasonable and neither is life. If we never open up for fear of being hurt, we will still feel hurt, but it will just be a different kind of hurt, more lonely and sad. Either way there is hurt. No one here gets out alive, and while we are here, I’m the kind of person that believes in living to the fullest extent. I’ve had some significant losses as well but in my case it’s made me want to be that much more open to life. It’s so short and we never know what we have left. I want to suck the joy out of it as best as I can!

That being said, lol…

I do understand that feel that you are “pushing him away for his own good”, but you also said that you feel I always chosen relationships I can “control” if that makes sense (it does, it absolutely does!). So even with what you’re doing for him, you are still staying in control, so the ending of the relationship really is more for you.

You said that no one in 20 years made you feel this way that you wanted to feel…that sounds pretty significant to me. It sounds like he feels the spark too. That spark could be something, and so it’s TERRIFYING! That’s understandable.

He’s scared…and that’s ok. He told you he wasn’t ready because he’s afraid and there could be many reasons for that. It sounds like he’s a caretaker type, and men like that hate the idea of disappointing someone. You seem pretty aware of yourself and he may not feel like he can be enough. But either way, that’s fear talking.

You’re scared, and that’s ok too. I understand some of your fears, but I’m curious to understand more. You said if we continued, it would most likely end very badly., which sounds like a pretty intense fear. Can you tell me more bout that?

To me, life is too short to not explore joy, and love brings joy. I’ve always resonated with the idea that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So I’m wondering what’s wrong with getting to know someone and exploring connection? You enjoy spending time with him. You feel safe, you seem to feel understood, you have good communication (which is really the foundation of any good relationship). To be honest, I’m not seeing too many downsides here!

I’m just seeing fear holding you both back. And it sounds like he is pretty willing to push through that fear…

And you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Im sorry to hear that you feel joyless and insignificant. That’s awful and no one deserves to feel that way because of the connection with their significant.

That’s why I have to ask…do you see a future with this person? Because if you do, it might be filled up with quite a lot more of what you’re dealing with now.

You’ve only known him for a few months and he’s not trying to hide tha he’s talking with other women, so it’s obviously his MO (modus operandi) and he’s not going to change. Have you ever asked him if he is only sleeping with you? Some men believe that if the woman doesn’t ask, then he doesn’t have to tell…

You mentioned that his lies are apparently because “what if we break up” and “doesn’t want to hurt me” and I have to be real with you girl, I don’t even know what that means. It makes no sense at all…

If you have any interest in being with him, you have to ask him point blank what his situation is. Is he non monogamous? Is he sleeping with other women? What is he looking for/available for?
You can’t just assume that he’s monogamous to you if you haven’t had in depth conversations about it. Even if you have, the texting of other women is bothering you and that’s ok. You are dating him and sharing your body and heart with him. You deserve answers about what’s going on in his life.

If we’re lucky, he will be honest and then it’s up to you what works for you. But he may not be…that’s when you have to just be willing to be super honest yourself and not let him keep up the facade. Don’t tell the other women to not text him, tell him. They are in the same boat as you for all we know.

Anyway, let me know how this all sounds to you and what your thoughts are on what I brought up!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melody,

Sorry for the delay in response and thanks for sharing more of the story of your relationship with B! It sounds like there has been a bit of interference from others, and now things have gotten a little wonky. I can understand all of your feelings, and it sounds like you are a pretty self aware person, who is rather emotionally mature and able to express themselves well. Unfortunately your friend B does not sound similar.

There are a few things that it could be. To be honest, my first thought is that perhaps he is a bit on the spectrum? Sometimes neurodivergent folks don’t have the same reactions as others and can come off as being rude, selfish, or angry. If he is exhibiting facial expressions that are inappropriate for the situation, that might be what is going on.

Or it could be the case that B is very emotionally immature and not only is he unable to express himself, he doesn’t really know himself well enough to know what he would express. So his angry faces are not even about you or the current scenario, but rather something that gets triggered and reminds him of something in the past that’s upsetting. Perhaps he is mad at himself because he DOES like you and he knows that he’s messing up and giving mixed signals?

As a matter of fact, he saying that he’s not interested but then showing interest has a lot more to do with him than it does with you. Some people don’t feel up to the task of a relationship, wher you have to look deep at yourself and be willing to make changes. Some people are afraid of love because it’s so easy to be rejected, which is so painful and plays into people’s self worth.

You say that your goal is to at least be his friend, which sounds like the best idea at this point, and very possible. Just relax and get to know him, the way that you would a friend. You might find that your feelings for him change the more you know, for better or worse.

As mentioned, you seem like someone with a good head on your shoulders. Is there a reason that you are letting this get you so very spun?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Christina,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. First off, I am so sorry for the losses of those significant men in your life. That is so much to deal with, and it sounds like you’ve done so with grace and strength. I commend you for this, and for being such a strong role model to your children. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them, which is a testament to good mothering, which you had to do a lot of without help. I can tell from even this one message that you are intelligent, deep thinking, and emotionally mature.

The emotional maturity is apparent in he moves hat you made with this new man in your life. People stay in relationships for so many reasons, usually all of the wrong ones, but often because they are lonely, unconfident, self absorbed, etc. It’s rare that someone has the strength to say, “I want this, but I know it’s not the right timing”. The fact that you can accept that it’s. not the right riming for him, even more so shows you as a very caring and compassionate person. That being said, I would want to know that you are also that compassionate to yourself, and would be choosing someone who is going to treat you just as well as you would him.

If you think that’s the case with this man, then I don’t see anything wrong with staying in touch. You sound well put together enough to handle being connected with him even if you can’t have what you want right now. It will probably come down to if he can handle. You said you had another relationship where you “finally ended it when I realized it wasn’t fair to him”. Is this a pattern in relationship that you see in your relationships? If not, what is?

And speaking of, you said, “Im seeing a pattern here”. What was that in reference to? I don’t think it was this but patterns are interesting to take a deeper look at, especially if you can already recognize them.

Anyway, let’s start the unpacking here. I look forward to hearing more from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melody,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I agree that this is confusing, but I do think if you start looking at the obvious signals instead of focusing on what you want to think is happening, it might be much more clear.

First off, how old are you and B? Have you had any relationships thus far? It sounds like being involved with the opposite thing might be a newer thing for both of you, which may be somewhat responsible for what’s going on here.

Also, I’m wondering what attracts you to him? So far from everything you’ve written, I’m not seeing any particularly redeeming qualities and it doesn’t sound like he treats you in any kind or special way that would make you endeared to him. So what actually is the pull?

To answer your questions…
1) Why does he behave the way he does? After him saying we’re just friends, I thought things would be back to normal but he still shows instances of angry & behaviors unlike his normal self above. I am confused.

He sounds very immature and not able to handle and/or express his emotions. Why would he get angry because he invited someone to spend time with him and they actually come? Are you sure that he is expressing anger? Could it be something else. You also said that he would go back to “normal”, but what exactly is normal for him? I don’t know…do you?

2) Regardless of answer to 1), is there any way I can stop him from behaving like this & just have a smooth flowing relationship (dating / friendship) without all these games / hurtful behaviors?

Short answer is no. There is no way that you can change someone’s behaviour, especially when they are either unaware of what they are doing or are unwilling to change, which in this case sounds like its true of both instances. It also seems like you’re not listening to what he’s saying, which is that he’s not interested in dating you. I’m wondering why you keep chasing after someone who is giving you nothing but anger and mean looks.

Maybe you can help me to understand what you have here and we can go deeper from there.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out to share your story! I totally understand how sometimes it can be the perfect storm with our emotions and the things going on in our lives, and it feels like we are doing the exact wrong thing time and again, but we just can’t stop. It sounds like there was a lot going on for both of you, and something was triggered in you that made you very afraid of losing this relationship. So afraid that you kept trying to do something to save it, and all of the intensity of trying to save it pushed it away.
It makes sense that all of the intensity would scare somebody away, but I don’t want you to blame yourself for how things happened. It really was a perfect storm.

Let’s take a deeper look. First off, it sounds like you both jumped into the relationship and got close fast. For someone who hasn’t been in a relationship for five years that can be scary, and in general, going feet first too quickly is a big red flag. You wind up making a committment to someone before you even know who they are, and then once your feelings are invested, you then have to go back and work on making a relationship work with a virtual stranger. You said that he is “wonderful” but how do you really know that? And I’m also curious as to what makes him wonderful and what you like about him.

You also said that you reacted too emotionally and I can understand how awful it feels when you feel like you’ve givne someone the wrong impression of who you are. However, you can’t really blame the guy because the same way that you barely know him, he barely knows you.

The golf thing…well everyone has things that are important to them, and of course no one should give up what they love to be in a relationship. But being able to make someone a priority is an imperative part of having a relationship. I wonder if you’ve talked about what your needs are (both of you), what you are looking for, available for, open to, ready for, etc etc, or if you just were attracted to each other and fell into a relationship. I’m getting the feeling the latter might be the case.

You ask…”how can I fix this”, and what I’m seeing is that you trying to fix things is part of the problem. It takes two to tango, and two people have to want to be in a relationship in order to make it work. It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to be in a relationship, and I wonder if he was ever ready for it at all or just let it happen.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. How confusing and heartbreaking! We are so glad that you are here for support during this diffuclt time. Hopefully we can help you navigate in a way that enables you to feel powerful and resourced to make the best decisions that you will need to make in the coming weeks and beyond.

First, I just want to send some love to your hurting heart and let you know that I feel for you. What a shock this is! It’s so difficult when something like this comes on so suddenly and out of nowhere. We have no way to prepare for it, and it’s hard to know exactly how to react. How you responded is totally normal as you were in shock. When someone ends something that has been a constant in your life so suddenly and without warning or communication, our first instinct is to not only ask why, but to beg, cry, and do whatever we can to just get some kind of answer that makes sense. Because what is happening here does not make sense, and I understand why you would question his mental state.

To be honest, it sounds to me like he is in a state of shock from the upset in his life, and is trying to disconnect from everything he’s built before in favor of this “new life” with his mother. Just the same way that his dad closed all doors for future interactions with his suicide, your partner is doing something similar. He’s not taking his life, but he’s taking his old life for a replacement where he doesn’t have to worry about anything from the past. Unfortunately this includes you. He might associate you with painful memories, and just want to make a “fresh start” which to him in this state, means that he just wants to essentially “kill off” anything that he knew in the past. None of this is right, healthy, or justified, but it might be what he is doing.

I’m also wondering if his mother has anything to do with this. Even though she loved you, there may be things going on behind the scenes that you are not aware of. If they’ve had a rocky relationship that is now doing good, she might be doing everything in her power to keep him connected to her, which would include making sure that he doesn’t have anything else of value in his life to return to, and he will see staying with her as his best option.

I’m very sorry that you’re going through this…

For now, all you can really do is to give him space. He knows that you love and care about him, and I’m sure he feels the same. You don’t just stop loving someone after four years when nothing negative has happened and that person has been kind and caring to you, and your biggest support. But he seems deep in a trauma response, and is removed from his life with you. Once he’s back from his trip and is not being influenced by his mother and other forces, he will hopefully come to his senses and be willing to talk. But for now, you have to take care of yourself.

Reach out to friends, connect with others, do things that you love to do, and recognize that this is not about you. Stay connected to him if you wish, but be in the background. Don’t try too hard to talk with him. I know this is hard, but it doesn’t sound like he is a place to listen.

What do you think? Is any of this helpful?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Thats’s great! I’m so glad that you have a plan to get home sooner than later. Life is too short to spend so much time away from your deck in your beloved spot! And you do have so much going for you, and are so employable. I hate to hear of you unhappily slaving away for someone that you don’t like in a foreign place. Always better to be thriving than surviving and to me it feels like thriving is well within reach, so here’s to hoping you are in your deck chairs sooner than later!

I also have the utmost faith that once you are where you want to be, you will be able to find a nice relationship. Of course if you’re in a spot where you don’t see a future, why would you even be open to meeting someone in that area? If you did meet a nice man over there, then one of you would have to move to be with the other. I’m confident that you will find a man back home. In the meantime, hang out with Joep to pass the time!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Joselin,

Thanks for sharing more! First off, I would never ask “why did you stay with your ex” even if you weren’t fullfilled. That is an age old question and it has an obvious answer that usually goes back to childhood patterns/trauma, etc. You were doing the best that you could and knew how to do in that moment. So never beat yourself up for that!

Of course when a new man came in who was treating you well, it feels good and is something that you feel like you should take advantage of. But Im here to tell you that this behaviour is not out of the ordinary and is what we should all expect from any man that we’d consider being in partnership with, and is the only thing that we should accept. But this is where I’m going with all of this…with this new man…is it just enticing because he’s givng you something that you’ve never gotten before and you feel like you should take advantage of it or are you really excited and interested in him as a specific person and partner? Sure you want to be in a healthy, long term relationship. No one wants to be bouncing around from person to person. Everyone wants to find “the one”. But are you looking at him to be that person because you want it with someone or because you want it with him? That’s really the crux of what I’m getting at…

So when you say that it was crushing when he said that he lost interest, what is it really? Is it the opportunity to have “this kind of relationship” or the opportunity to be with this man? You said that you were upset with yourself which is telling to me. It sounds like you feel like you “should” be ready, you “should” seize the opportunity, but do you really want it with him?

As mentioned, the reality is that you can have this kind of adult and healthy relationship with any man who is ready and willing to have an adult and healthy relationship. You finding that man is dependent on you, and how you react in relationships, and what you are willing to settle for. For example, if you met someone that you were very interested in, but you were both engaged in that familiar fighting and the drama, then that would be an indicator that this isn’t a healthy relationship, and maybe there’s more work that needs to be done in order for you to be in something healthy. I just want you to know that having a healthy relationship is not something that you can only have with this man…

To be honest, I also find his behaviour a bit problematic, and not as mature or healthy as its being portrayed as. It would be better if he was willing to honor where you are at, and not be pushing you to be involved in a deeper way than you are ready for. He sounds a bit selfish in my opinion. I know that he has given you gifts and things like that, but the greatest gift he could give you is the gift of time and compassion, which he is lacking in providing.

Hopefully this is giving you something to think about. Let me know your thoughts!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Joselin,

Thanks for sharing more! First off, I would never ask “why did you stay with your ex” even if you weren’t fullfilled. That is an age old question and it has an obvious answer that usually goes back to childhood patterns/trauma, etc. You were doing the best that you could and knew how to do in that moment. So never beat yourself up for that!

Of course when a new man came in who was treating you well, it feels good and is something that you feel like you should take advantage of. But Im here to tell you that this behaviour is not out of the ordinary and is what we should all expect from any man that we’d consider being in partnership with, and is the only thing that we should accept. But this is where I’m going with all of this…with this new man…is it just enticing because he’s givng you something that you’ve never gotten before and you feel like you should take advantage of it or are you really excited and interested in him as a specific person and partner? Sure you want to be in a healthy, long term relationship. No one wants to be bouncing around from person to person. Everyone wants to find “the one”. But are you looking at him to be that person because you want it with someone or because you want it with him? That’s really the crux of what I’m getting at…

So when you say that it was crushing when he said that he lost interest, what is it really? Is it the opportunity to have “this kind of relationship” or the opportunity to be with this man? You said that you were upset with yourself which is telling to me. It sounds like you feel like you “should” be ready, you “should” seize the opportunity, but do you really want it with him?

As mentioned, the reality is that you can have this kind of adult and healthy relationship with any man who is ready and willing to have an adult and healthy relationship. You finding that man is dependent on you, and how you react in relationships, and what you are willing to settle for. For example, if you met someone that you were very interested in, but you were both engaged in that familiar fighting and the drama, then that would be an indicator that this isn’t a healthy relationship, and maybe there’s more work that needs to be done in order for you to be in something healthy. I just want you to know that having a healthy relationship is not something that you can only have with this man…

To be honest, I also find his behaviour a bit problematic, and not as mature or healthy as its being portrayed as. It would be better if he was willing to honor where you are at, and not be pushing you to be involved in a deeper way than you are ready for. He sounds a bit selfish in my opinion. I know that he has given you gifts and things like that, but the greatest gift he could give you is the gift of time and compassion, which he is lacking in providing.

Hopefully this is giving you something to think about. Let me know your thoughts!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Daura,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Navigating a new relationship can be tricky, so we are glad that you are here reaching out. Hopefully we can unpack some things that will help create success for you moving forward.

The first thing that I want to say is that no matter what tricks and tips we can employ to gain a man’s attention, or bring him back into the fold, so to speak, there is no way to change the basic core of who someone is. If they have a pattern of poor communication, the only way that will change is if they themselves see how this pattern is negatively affecting their lives, and they take the steps to make beneficial changes for their own happiness and well being.

The thing that I’m seeing here is that this man has a pattern of pulling away and “going silent” whenever he doesn’t get his way or things don’t go exactly as planned, through no fault of anyone besides the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed. This kind of behavior is immature and selfish, and does not create a level of safety and trust that you need in order to have a healthy and sustainable relationship. Life is full of inconsistencies and what we all want and need is someone who is willing to weather the storms with us, with grace and care. I question whether or not this man has the capabilities for that. And if he doesn’t, I would be questioning if I were you, if this is someone that I truly want to spend time trying to grow something with.

The truth is that however the relationship starts is how it’s going to go, unless you and he are young, and/or heavily invested to grow and change your patterns. So before delving too deep into what you can do to get him to come out of silent mode, I’d first ask you this:
What is it about this man that makes you want to be with him? What makes him special? What makes him worth fighting for?
And also, what has your relationship life been like before this?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

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