[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Were you able to glean anything out of what I shared? Did it help at all?

Please let me know! If it didn’t resonate, tell me why and perhaps we can try another angle.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I’m curious to know when was the last time that things were really good with you all, and what was happening at that time? What was he doing? What were you doing?

I know that you said that being together during the pandemic made it more difficult, but it sounds to me like there were issues before that. It mostly sounds like he’s been having issues, and that you’ve been holding things together and doing everything that you can to fix him and the situation. So how long has it been like that for?

To be honest, he doesn’t sound like a partner. He sound like a patient if you were a rehab therapist, or like a child.

I asked some key questions above and they remain unanswered. All you’ve really shared is more reasons why it’s ok for him to be treating you and your kids the way he has, and what he hasn’t done.

I’m still wondering why you want to be with him and what he’s actually bringing to you? How is he enhancing your life?

I hope that we can figure this out as being with someone that you have to constantly make excuses for their selfish and immature behaviour is no fun and will never lead you down a path of happiness.

I hope that you can hear this and know that it’s not coming from a place of meanness of misunderstanding. We coaches see this here everyday. wonderful strong women providing and making excuses for men who are treating them like garbage. You deserve more. You deserve a man who will fight for you at least as much as you fight for him.

Does this make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and the pain that you’re in due to this situation. It’s really sad and awful to have your family torn apart, and I’m sure it’s really difficult on everyone. How are your children handling things?

I have to say that it sounds like there are some inherent red flags in the relationship that might be tough for you to recognize since this is the only relationship that you’ve ever really had, but I hope that you can look at this with an open mind from an outside perspective.

The fact that a 35 yr old man with 2 children lets his wife work and do everything while he sits around all day playing video games is absurd. You said that he would take care of the children, but it sounds like even that was done at a bare minimum.

You said I do have control issues due to anxiety and I wonder who tells you that. Is it him? Does he say that you have control issues because you actually want him to contribute instead of sitting around all day playing games?

To be honest, he sounds a bit mentally ill, and not living in the present reality. Well of course he’s not if all of his waking moments are spent in a virtual reality. He has “feelings for someone” that is merely a fantasy, and he obviously doesn’t want to grow up and take care of his family.

You say that things just started to unravel, but I want you to take a good look at your life with him and really determine how long it’s been since you’ve truly happy and felt like you’ve had a true partnership with this man.
You say that you love him and miss him, but what do you miss? What do you love about him? How long has this pattern of behaviour been going on with him?

Before we talk too much about how or if you can make it work with him, I want to discuss more about why you want to make it work with him, and what he is actually bringing to you and your children’s lives.

You sound like an intelligent, hard working and loving wife and mother. Don’t you think that you deserve a partner who recognizes that, celebrates that, and wants to make your life easier?

I look forward to hearing more from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I must say that your story is even confusing ME so I can imagine that it’s confounding for the two of you! Love can be a tricky feeling. Because you may want it, be scared of it, try to pull it towards you, and try to push it away, all at the same time! It sound like there some of this going on here…

So let me try to understand a bit more about what’s happening with you all.

In the beginning, you didn’t want to date him, but was that really the case, or was it because you were scared?

Then after you didn’t see him for awhile you got together, spent an intimate night together, but didn’t want to see him again or have it develop. Once again, was that really the case, or was it because you were scared?

So you went away, came back, and then started spending time together. At this point, it sounds like he got scared, and started to push you away. This may have come from how many times you were seemingly not so interested in him.

Then you stopped talking but eventually came back together and started getting very close, with him meeting your family and you talking honestly and vulnerably through the nights. You are close, but you still are not sure the nature of your relationship.

Did I get it right?

It seems like this is a classic case of neither party really saying what they want because each side is afraid of being rejected by the other. It makes sense as you’ve both rejected each other time and again. So you may think that he’s not all in, and he may think that you’re not all in, and neither one of you IS all in because you’re afraid that the other person isn’t all in. Still pretty bewildering!

Eventually one of you is going to have to bite the bullet and say, “This is what I want, and do you want the same?” and just be ok with whatever the answer is. You are saying that you want a “boring monogamous relationship with him” but to be honest, I didn’t get that until you said it. So maybe he doesn’t know that either. Have you had this conversation with him?

I can understand that you may feel afraid of him rejecting you and saying that he’s not into that, as it sounds like he did say that once before. However, that was a bit ago, wasn’t it? And it also just sounds like you have not been transparent with him.

So that would be my first piece of advice. If you want clarity, you have to be clear yourself. It sounds like you know what you want now, so now you have to express it. That’s my second piece of advice. Clear communication and asking for what you want. If you don’t want to be in limbo anymore, you have to be willing to take a step and see where it leads.

Do you think you can do this? Let me know!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Claire,

Thanks for the response and sorry for the delay! I appreciate you letting me more in on your life, and what drives you to make the decisions that you do. I can understand how you wouldn’t want to get married to someone who would be trying to get involved with the financial security you’ve worked hard to set up for your children. But when it comes to arguing with a man over domestic chores and finances, I do have to say that it depends on the man for sure. I would hope that any man worth his salt would not be looking for a woman who will provide for him and will instead be looking for a woman that he can provide for. If a man does not add to your life, then I agree with you that not having him in your life is the better option. But it sounds like you don’t believe that a man like that exists, where I do. And I do think it’s about having standards of how you’re willing to be treated, and behaviour that you will accept.

I know what you mean about living in smaller areas where you feel like you have to lower your standards because of what’s available. It sounds like you are living someplace now with more options, so that’s a step in the right direction.

I want to talk more about this feeling that you’re describing: the whole world disappearing…feeling safe, secure, wholly connected.

I surmise that you’re saying that you felt this with Ken? Im curious why that is? After all, you barely knew him really. Five months is some time, but it’s certainly not long enough to really know who someone is, and trust them enough to go deeply into that experience you describe of feeling so immensely secure.

Have you ever thought that perhaps that feeling now is something more that’s in you? Now that you won’t settle, and really know yourself and who you are, you can allow yourself to feel that sense of security and peace? Or maybe it’s more based on a fantasy, of who Ken seems to be on the outside. He portrayed himself as someone who would be there for you, so it gave you the ability to relax into that.

If that’s the case, it’s not about him, it’s about you. You can have that feeling, now that you know what it is. Do you see what I mean? It sounds like you might already be determining this, but I just want to reiterate that I see it too..

I am so sorry that at the end of the day, he couldn’t live up to his end of the bargain. It’s so sad that these seemingly strong and capable men are so broken when it comes to intimate relationships. And yes, it can be shocking. When I was single I was astonished when I would meet a strong man that seemed like he could be a perfect match for my strength and independence and then to have it all fall apart because they couldn’t step up to the plate.

But you are rising to the top, and I admire you for that. I know with your attitude, it won’t have to be long before you are able to find someone who can match the beauty that you possess.

I’m rooting for you! Please let me know how it’s going.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I totally understand that it sucks to feel alone and like you have no one to spend time with. You say that it’s always been this way for you, so do you think that it could be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy?

When you were in larger areas (love Ashland by the way), you mentioned having a block that keeps people away. But it sounds like this was a survival mechanism due to your abusive parents so I hope that you don’t blame yourself and know that you were, and have always been doing the best that you could. Don’t beat yourself up too much, it’s hard to be human! But it could be good to explore those blocks, see where they come from, and try to clear them as you mentioned. Do you have some ideas for how to do that? You mentioned EMDR which I know is great. Any other thoughts?

Now you’re living someplace where it’s very difficult to meet people, and so of course when you connect with someone that you enjoy and want to get to know better, it’s natural to try and find a way to keep that connection going. But sometimes if you reach out to someone too often, it can make you appear needy, and not every man likes that, or responds to hat well.

I don’t think all hope is lost though. I just think you need to focus more on being friends and less on continually using the HI because that is making him feel responsible to you, which is stressing him out and turning him off. With Jeremy, he has to think that you don’t need him at all, that’s what attracts him to you. Truth is, you don’t need him, but you do want him in your life. So try to go about it in a more friendly way.

Instead of asking him what he can do for, ask him what you can do for him. I don’t like playing games, but maybe don’t be too available. Be friendly, but that’s it. Try to wait for him to come to you for a bit.

Let me know if that helps at all…
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Claire,

Thanks for your response, and for being open to hearing the blunt feedback. I just don’t want to see a high quality woman such as yourself waiting on a man to make you feel special, because you clearly are on your own, and you truly don’t need him, even if you do want him.

It would be great for him to come to his senses and realize how awesome I am but the reality is that this has nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with his fear of intimacy. He knows how awesome you are, and that’s precisely why he is running away. He is afraid to love you and someday lose you. He’s afraid to open his heart, so instead he will just lose you before even getting any of the love that could be there. It’s sad, but that seems to be the MO for too many men.

You said that you were in a good relationship for 6 years with a nice man where you had the kind of situation that you are proposing and wanting now with this man. You also said The relationship worked, we got along, yet there was not that deep intense soulful connection. I do wonder if the idea of not getting too entangled and keeping a distance from the men you date is also a defense mechanism and fear of intimacy on your part. Perhaps the reason that you didn’t have a deep intense soulful connection is that you didn’t allow yourself to go there. Do you think there could be some truth to that?

Being back on the dating scene is hard and I’m sure feels bad after what you were just experiencing. I know it feels like the connection that you had with him can’t be had again with someone else and was special to him, but I do think that a big part of that is in you, and it’s more about letting that energy in, with someone who can follow through.

In terms of having contact, I see it going two ways, dependant on how you want to go about it.
You can leave it be, and let him come to you, when and if he is ever ready. He may or may not come back, or you may not hear from him for a good long while and someday he will message you and apologize. Really difficult to say what he will do from here.
The other way is that if you are feeling like you want a sense of closure, you could contact him.

Whether you contact him or he contacts you, to me the message that you send is the same. And that is speaking the truth. I’m not a believer in playing games, and always think that the old trope of honesty is the best policy is a timeless truth. So I would just say what you feel. Maybe that you were disappointed that he reacted that way. That you know what you were looking for and you were in no way pressuring him to be anything else than who he is. That you find it sad that he runs away when scared, and it’s apparent that he’s afraid to lose you, so he won’t even try. How does that sound?

Men are not supposed to feel fear, or express emotions, but obviously they have them just like women do. So often I find that when we clearly name mens’ fears to them, it makes them feel safe and more able to acknowledge them, because you are not running away because he is showing fear, or judging him as weak as he fears you might. This transparency gives space for the man to actually process his emotions, and that creates intimacy.

Let me know what you find helpful!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

So this might seem like a silly question, but how is Option 2 not a relationship? And how is Option 3 anything more than a friendship? This whole “future relationship” thing seems really nebulous and born out of fear. Sounds like you both want to try out a relationship, so what’s the hold up?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing this heartache with your partner. It’s always painful when someone pulls away and won’t tell us why or what they are feeling. It’s a natural human thing to assume the worst and so our minds can always come up with ideas that are not fun!

First I’d like to know more about the situation. How did you meet? How long have you been together? In that time, how often have you been physically together? Do you have a plan to move closer to each other? In other words, is there an end in sight to your LDR?

Thanks for sharing more info. Knowing more about your relationship and the dynamics that you are working with will help me be that much more equipped to help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing this heartache with your partner. It’s always painful when someone pulls away and won’t tell us why or what they are feeling. It’s a natural human thing to assume the worst and so our minds can always come up with ideas that are not fun!

First I’d like to know more about the situation. How did you meet? How long have you been together? In that time, how often have you been physically together? Do you have a plan to move closer to each other? In other words, is there an end in sight to your LDR?

Thanks for sharing more info. Knowing more about your relationship and the dynamics that you are working with will help me be that much more equipped to help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Claire,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I agree, you do sound like an incredible woman with a lot to offer. Confident, smart, fun, in telligent. You are the whole package! I’m wondering…how has your relationship life been before this man?

I’m so sorry to hear that he pulled away like that. It’s a really immature and selfish thing that men do. They let themselves feel the good feelings, let themselves go all in, and then get scared like little boys and run away as soon as they start to catch feelings. It makes you wonder ig they are truly men, or just little boys. Why does a real man, who I’m assuming has a job, a house, and has had a wife and family, not understand how to be a true, upstanding man? It truly baffles me…

I’m sorry to say, but from the sound of it, this man has not done the work to be able to be a true partner, especially the kind you are asking for. You are looking for someone who is secure enough in himself to be able to be with a woman who doesn’t need him, but is with him sharing her life because she wants to. You don’t sound like you need a man to complete you. You have your own life, friends, etc. But it sure is fun and exciting to have that spark, and to have a connection with someone special. This man doesn’t sound that confident. He feels like “all the women in his life leave him”. so obviously when he starts to feel connected he gets scared. He doesn’t want to care so then when you leave, as he is sure that you will, it won’t be as painful. The classic reject her before she rejects you.

So at this point, I don’t know if this man is as evolved of a man as you need. You need someone ready, willing and able to be open with himself, his feelings. Self aware and ready to do the work. Is he? Maybe you should ask…

To answer your questions…
1.how much time do I give him before I let go and move on? That depends…what are you giving him time to do? Change? Realize that he IS man enough to face his fears of intimacy head on? I don’t know that there is anything to wait for.
2. Do I wait for him to contact me? Once again, what’s the wait exactly? DO you think he will contact you? And if so, what are you going to tell him? Are you ok with this kind of hot and cold situation? Are you ok with waiting for him?
3. If not, do I throw out a casual- heading to bowling Thursday. Thought about the fun time we had.- type of message?

What is your end game? You may be able to hang out with him and have a boatload more fun, but he has some serious intimacy issues, and until he is willing and ready to address those, you will run into these same issues again as soon as you get close.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for the message. I have been keeping an eye on the discussion that you’ve been having with Heidi (which I absolutely agree with her on all of it. There’s no blanket hero statement to fix anything) and am happy to chime in.

What I think is the same thing that I thought in my original response. If you want to get closer to him, using propinquity is your best bet, or like I like to call it, Spyce’s Rule of Casual. Be his friend! You think you drove him away by being too much like a casual friend, I think you drove him away by being too into him as NOT a friend. Once he realized that he had you, he could put you on the back burner, on the “friend shelf”. Even though he’s saying he’s not, he is. and you’re letting him call all of the shots. You want to hang out with him, to connect with him, so you’re there ready whenever. when you let a man know that, the thrill becomes gone for him, and he’s on to the next.

As mentioned, I don’t think this man is available to be in a healthy & committed partnership as his methods are completely immature and are the actions of someone who does not want to do any of the personal work needed to be in a relationship, but since he is the only potential for miles around, I understand why you’re being so proactive.

My advice is, again, become his friend and see if you even want to be more. Really take a look at how he treats women. Do you find it kind? Respectful? Do you want to be aligned with him? Meanwhile, if you’re hanging out as friends, you’re still hanging out with him. Isn’t that what you want? If you’re more concerned with the benefits, and you can handle ONLY the benefits without the romance, then I have a different track for you, but for now, my advice is slow your roll, be casual, and make him come to YOU!!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Victoria,

I can see from your response that you are very interested in saving this relationship, and if that’s what you want, I will help you. However, if you really want the relationship to change, and for him to “grow & try”, you have to look at where things are broken down in order to fix them.

The issue here is not something that a blanket “hero statement” can fix. I asked some very key questions above that give you an opportunity to look deeper into the holes of the relationship, the ways in which it is falling apart, and you didn’t address any of them. Which makes me think that you are afraid of the answers. That’s natural, and nothing to be ashamed of, but if you want to make this relationship work, that’s the only way I can see to go about it.

Can you take a look at my previous responses and try to think deeper about the answers? I really think that delving in there is going to help us get to the bottom of this. I know it’s scary, but I want you to know that I am here to walk with you down this path of exploration. I want to help you, and this is the best way I know how.

How do you feel about doing that? Do you think you can try?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

I want you to really look at these statements:

I feel safe with him
Why? How can you feel safe with someone who has broken up with you numerous times, and is now dating someone else.

He said he kind of loves me in a way
Is this really enough for you? To be maybe kinda loved in a way? How is this going anywhere?

I think he misses me but he wants to try with this other person
This man is straight up telling you that you are not a priority. You are a backup plan in case someone else doesn’t work out. You are the person that he will come back to if all else fails. Maybe that sounds good, and like at least you’re that, but if you’re that now, you will ALWAYS be that. So even if he comes back to you, he will also always leave you the moment someone else intrigues him, which it sounds like is often.

I messaged a woman on fb I thought he was texting. I think it’s the one he wants to date. She had the nerve to ask if he knew me.
Your anger at this woman is misguided. She is no less a victim than you are. He is lying to her and he’s lying to you. This man is a liar, a cheat, and doesn’t care about anyone but himself. This is apparent.

So the question is now, what do you want? You know who he is and what he is going to do and not do, right? So where you do want to go from here?

Your move…
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Nice to meet you! I’m going to chime in here as I can totally get where you’re coming from. It sounds like you are mostly a confident and motivated person, who likes to see solutions to issues and push things to the limit, or at least their natural edge. I bet that in many areas of your life you’re in control, and it’s difficult to be in this position.

The proximity is also hard, especially when your area is remote, and it sounds like you’ve been having a great time making a new friend, if nothing else. So my advice, is to focus more on that side of things.

The reality of the red flags definitely indicates that trying to connect with him romantically is not a good idea right now for many reasons.
For one, as Heidi said, you don’t want to fight for a man who’s not fighting for you. Plain and simple.
Secondly, he was just sleeping with 3 of you and lying to all of you. The others he stopped talking to and you he continued with. Why? Because you were the newest one so the one he has the least history with? He sounds like one of those men who start to disrespect women who sleep with him. Once you sleep with him he doesn’t trust you, because now he’s concerned that you’re trying to trap him into something he doesn’t want. It can get messy very fast, as you might know. He’s definitely not what I’d call “good relationship material”.

But I understand your desire to spend time with him. You don’t have many options in that area and you had fun with him. So my question is this…you said you’d like to have him as a friend. Can you do that? Can you just get to know him casually as a friend and see what he’s actually like? Maybe if you let the shine wear off of him a little you will be able to be more clear.

So I’d lay off the HI a bit right now and try to play it more cool. If you keep trying to get with him in any kind of romantic or deep way, he will run. If you want to connect with him, you have to do so as a friend. And just wait and see…I bet if you stop doing that and get super friendly, he will try to get romantic with you to see if you’re still interested. That’s when it’s your turn to keep him guessing, lol!!

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

PS: Congrats on the podcast! I had one for 10 years before they were even called podcasts 😉

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