[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well I think it’s more than just the mountain air, don’t you? There’s just so much that goes into a feeling of home. A place where you feel comfortable and safe. A place where you feel understood and seen. Where you want to get out and be an integral part of the community, where you want to grow and incite growth and connection in and with others. Home is so important, and to me, no amount of money is worth losing that connection.

I’ve observed your struggles with this for awhile now, so that’s why I’m just so pleased to hear that you are standing up for what you truly want in your work life. And it’s not about standing up to some boss or company. It’s really about standing up for yourself, TO yourself. Truly knowing that you have a lot to offer, and that you’re a survivor who will always figure something out and land on her feet. You don’t HAVE to take some job that you don’t like and go live someplace where you’re not happy because you have options! It sounds like you’re starting to live from this place of knowledge and for that, I am really proud of you!

It sounds like the travel has been fun but at times exhausting and strenuous. I’m sure there are challenges being a stranger in a strange land, but I’m glad you’re taking the time to make the rounds while you’re there, and at least you’re meeting some interesting people and having some fun adventures!

In terms of the men, I am glad that you’re really sinking into the feeling of knowing your worth! That will definitely help when you do get back home and are open to dating. having high standards for what you want is so important in finding a really truly great relationship. I look forward to hearing all about it when the time comes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Sorry to hear about the technological difficulties in the area that you’re in. But I also appreciate that you’re so aware of how much beyond that it really is. Yes of course our beliefs play a major in manifesting our desires. If you can’t envision something coming to pass, it’s going to be really difficult to ever have it happen.

It sounds like you’re well aware of this, and have used manifestation skills in other areas of your life. Can you share with me something that you feel like you’ve successfully manifested and how that process went?

I know that you’ve talked a bit about this feeling of being misunderstood being a constant struggle in your life with family as well as others. Is that why it feels so out of reach for you to have a good man by your side?

What models, if any, have you seen of good relationships, where both people were (to you) deserving, happy, and putting in equitable effort? You mentioned the fat wives and devoted husbands, but it doesn’t sound like you feel like those wives are doing their part.

I haven’t heard much about your personal relationship life in general. Can you walk me through what that’s been like for you so far?

That’s a pain that there’s still a connection to Jeremy. With the hat, of course it’s a matter of just determining how important it is to you. The dog is trickier since it’s an animal that doesn’t know boundaries and is relying on it’s owner to set them, who doesn’t seem very good at knowing healthy boundaries either! The annoyance of the dog coming by is a constant reminder of that.

You could just matter of factly message him about these two things, and if he tries to converse about anything else, shut him down. There might be some power in doing that. But I also understand that it could be difficult to not get sucked in again if he is to start going on again about how much he cares, etc. But then again, you could also feed him that sandwich, as long as it’s really only to get the rotting thing out of your fridge as opposed to giving him something tasty.

I’m confident that you will make the best decision with that, but do know that I’m here to bounce anything off of!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

It’s been awhile so I just wanted to pop in and say hi! I’m glad to hear that you’re going home for the holidays…AND are you also going home soon for good??!!!

You being able to be back in Calgary has been something that not only you’ve been wanting since we met, but something I’ve been on the edge of my seat about as well! I am a person who is all about home. Being in a place where I’m comfortable is so important to me. I’ve traveled a lot in life, and while that was fun, I always needed a solid homebase to come back to. I’ve also moved quite a few times in my life, but since I feel like each move has been a step up, it’s all been a positive. But any time in my life when I haven’t been able to be settled and grounded where I am feels awful to me!

I know this past year has been difficult for you, so I am soooo excited if being back home is coming to fruition soon. I really feel like once you are settled in a place where you want to be, it will be so much easier for you to find the companionship and even romance that you’ve been craving. I can’t tell you how excited I am for you!

That’s sweet of you to go back to see Dad. I know there’s a lot wrapped up in that, but I’m sure you will be glad that you had closure. It’s too bad that it happens to fall on your birthday, but maybe plan something really special for yourself after that trip? Where will you be staying? How about splurge on a really nice hotel room so that way you have an extra nice spot to go back to since the trip itself might be stressful? I’ve even gotten rooms that had a hot tub in them before when I needed to relieve stress. That was nice!

Hope you have a good holiday and visit with your boys! It may not be exactly what you want, but maybe you can find a way in there to do something special that reminds you of the joyfulness of the past.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Wow, so good for you! I admire your strength and your ability to stick to your boundaries. How amazing that you are not letting the first few red flags slide, and how incredibly awe-inspiring that you are able to let Jeremy go without a backward glance. He has fully proven himself to be a weak human and you don’t need people like that in your life. I am SO proud of you!!

I really am hoping for you that you don’t internalize any of this and let yourself believe that you did anything wrong or bad, or that you were in any way less than Marcia, or any other woman you might wind up seeing him with. The fact is that weak men seek out weak women who won’t question them or force them to take deep looks at themselves. Weak peo0ple stick together because they don’;t challenge each other, and they can continue to be weak and small and petty together. You are a much higher quality person and so you really can only be with those who are of similar high quality. The rub is that there are much less quantity of high quality people in the world, and it does create a situation where high quality people as yourself feel like they have to dumb themselves down in order to not be alone. And while I know it can feel like that at times, I don’t buy into that being the ultimate truth.

I love your strategy, and I feel confident that it’s going to work for you. Like attracts like, and a happy and content person who believes in themself is going to attract someone of the same ilk. So you just keep working on you, loving you, being satisfied and joyful with you and your life, and I know that the right person is going to come along!

If you do run into him, please don’t let yourself feel too badly about not being in his life. What is so great about his life? He is a sad person, and look at the way he treats people in his life. I know Marcia has been awful to you, but she is that way because she is a sad and lonely person too. A woman who doesn’t know how to set boundaries or read redflags, and someone who would rather hang out a man who has time and again disrespected her, waiting for any scrap that he might throw her to make her feel worthy. You have to feel bad for these people, but you DON’T want to be them!

So what’s your next steps? What are you doing to stay in a state of happiness? You mentioned doing some online dating. How is that going? Do you want some feedback on your profile or help navigating any of the messages that you’ve been getting?

I’m in your corner, so please use me as a resource!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Wow, what a story!! I am so sorry to hear that you had to have such a hurtful experience. I’m sure it felt so awful to see him there after what you had just gone through at his place, and what you’ve been feeling for awhile now concerning your connection with him. I know that must have felt really lousy and I hope that you were still able to enjoy the night out with the friend that did invite you.

I also have to say though, that I am a little happy to hear this as I feel like there’s a real silver lining to this as well. You are finally starting to see his true colors. It sucks, and it sounds like so does he, but at least you are learning this. It’s so confusing when someone is telling you so many fantastical things, chasing you down and professing such deep feelings for you, and then never coming through on any of what they are saying and instead just delivering empty promises. I felt this from the beginning, but I understood that you don’t feel like there are many options there and you had to see it through. That’s a painful process, but a necessary one in order to truly let go and move on. How are you feeling about that now? The letting go and moving on process, that is?

I’m assuming from what I know of you, that before you have closure, you will have to have a real clarifying conversation with him, and I would absolutely encourage you to do so. I know that I wouldn’t be able to move on until I did that, and I feel like we have similarities in the depth of our emotions and how we connect with people.

So about that sandwich…first off, please message him and let him know that you want to have an in person conversation. At this point he’s probably feeling shameful so perhaps he will be willing to make that a priority.

Then once you are sitting down with him, do you have an idea of what you want to say? Where are you feeling with things now? I have my thoughts on the topic but I want to know how you are feeling and what feels right for you to do here.

Obviously you deserve to be treated well and not like a second class friend, someone who is good enough to do favors but not good enough to spend time with. My take is that Jeremy is really not an upstanding person himself by any means, and I’m really wondering what is so great about him besides the fact that he’s close by, and maybe easy on the eyes? He sounds like a user and a loser if you ask me.

I just want you to keep remembering though, that regardless of how often this happens in your life, it’s NOT because of you being a bad person or unworthy of care. You are continuing to try and connect with people who are showing you off the bat that they don’t have the capacity to be a decent human, and then you expect something different from them. When they don’t act differently, you blame yourself, and that it must be something wrong with you. Can you see how this creates a self fulfilling prophecy?

I’m so sorry that you’ve had this experience all throughout your life. It sounds like your family was this way as well? If so, you learned that this behaviour was normal and so when you met someone who was like this, it felt normal and like home. So of course you would continue wanting to connect with people like this. But the good news is that this can change, and you can do things differently. It can start now.

Are you ready?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rebecca,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! So you have a friend who you want to be more than a friend and he’s been telling you for four years since you’ve met him that he doesn’t want to be more than friends with you.
What do you think that you should do?

This seems very clear to me but it sounds like you’re wanting us coaches to tell you that there’s a chance with this person. Do you think that if there was, in four year he would have changed his mind? His original reason for not wanting to be in a relationship with you was because he just got out of one. And that was four years ago now…

What is stopping you from looking for other people to date? What keeps you going to his house to cuddle 6 nights a week when he’s obviously not advancing this to anything beyond friendship?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I totally understand your hesitation and it can feel like walking a fine line of a tightrope when dealing with men who are avoidant, which is seems clear that he is. I don’t know if you’ve been talking about this yet with Heidi, but I assume that you’re familiar with the anxious/avoidant dance? It can be so tiring, and yet it’s so prevalent and utilized in modern relationships. Unfortunately so many people playing into this game don’t even realize it, so that adds another layer of challenge to it.
But it seems that you’re highly aware that if you push too hard, he will pull back more and so since this game is required here, let’s see how we can make our hand strong.

Because what I really want for you, and I’m sure you want it as well, is for you to feel confident, happy, and content, no matter what is or isn’t happening with him ,or any other man in your life. In order to do that, you have to be willing to do one of two things. One is to simply cut the person out of your life if you are not feeling as wanted, cherished, adored, etc as you need and deserve to. We’ve already established that isn’t what you want to do at this juncture.

So the other path comes down to acceptance, which seems to be more of where you’re headed. You’re accepting that he is busy, overwhelmed, maybe not emotionally able, to have the kind of connection with you that you want, and that he says that he wants too. It’s not about you, it’s about him. So being able to accept and be ok with that is good for your mental health…in the short term. In the long run I think it can become a harrowing waiting game of endlessly hoping that someone will give you what you need when this changes or that materializes and that day doesn’t come. Before that day is when I think it’s important to have the conversation I was recommending. But that’s really the last ditch effort before you walk away. when you get to that point where you can’t accept what he’s giving you. But if you are still at the place of acceptance, understanding, and being willing to cut him some slack off of your dime, that’s up to you.

It’s not exactly an ultimatum, but it also somewhat is, and that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes people have to understand what’s at stake to inspire them to do the hard things. Not that connecting with you is necessarily a hard thing, but changing his pattern in relationship is. You’ve said that this man has said that he wants to marry you, for all intents and purposes. That’s not a nothing assertion. But how will you ever get to that place when he can’t even send you a text? And how long are you willing to wait?

Setting your own boundaries is not controlling. It’s self care. You are not saying, “you have to do x, y, & z.” You are simply saying “this is what works for me”. He is then free to make a decision on what he wants to do. But everyone has the sovereignty to express how they want to interact with others, and what kind of behaviours will or won’t work for them. It sounds like he said something to that effect as to why he’s not reaching out to you. He is overwhelmed, overworked, ect. So he wants you to not take things personally. That’s totally fine. And now you get to say what you need from him. It’s ok. You deserve to have your needs met and still have connections with people.

I can tell that this hurts you, and I know that you’re a strong woman who says that she can handle it and give him the luxury of time. But time isn’t promised to anyone, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Do you want to keep your needs on the back burner until he is ready, emotionally and physically to take the next step with you? And if the answer is yes, then you have to have a shelf life on that. Because while you’re waiting for this man to take action, you could be missing out on a man who is already ready to.

Anyway, just some food for thought. I’m happy to help you in whatever direction you want to go.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I’m so glad to hear that my response felt good to you, and sorry for the delay. I’ve unfortunately been a bit under the weather this week.

In terms of logistics, normally I am one to say to reach out and say what needs to be said, but based on how things have been so far with the two of you, I’d actually recommend taking a step back and wait for him to respond. Depending on how and when he does respond to the already existing messages will only further inform what you say to him, and the boundaries you set with how you want to be treated moving forward.

From there what I would recommend is “crafting a communication sandwich” (LOL) and actually setting up a time to connect and have this conversation in person. It’s ok for it to be serious because it is. You’ve gone back and forth quite enough with each other, and it’s time for push to come to shove. He’s said time and again how important you are to him, and now he needs to understand that if he doesn’t show you that in a way that you can hear, he will no longer have the opportunity to do so.

Do you feel clear on what your boundaries are in this realm? How you want him to communicate with you, treat you, etc? Happy to help you slap some mayo and mustard on if you’d like some feedback 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I figured I’d pop in and give some thoughts here as well. I’ve been following along and do understand your pain. It sounds like you’re a very capable and enigmatic person who can scare people away with an intensity that you may not even know that you have, because you are just being you, and why are people so easily scared of that? I’ve been in the same position being a talented and confident person who has had to care for myself for many years. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood, and then have people cut you out when it’s really them who are the ones who are not worthy. But it’s still difficult, especially when you feel like your pool is limited.

I think it’s great that you were very clear when you saw Jeremy at the town meeting and you didn’t chase him or barely show him interest. This resulted in him chasing you and confessing his feelings to you, which I’m sure felt good. But of course, as Heidi said, actions do speak louder than words, and I think he has to understand that while it’s lovely that he has those feelings and thoughts about you, if he doesn’t put actions behind them he IS going to lose you. He may think that you have no other options, but I’m sure you do, and if you don’t now, you will soon.

I can understand that it feels like it’s something cosmic and special with him and maybe it is. But at the end of the day you don’t want to feel like you’re waiting around for him. He needs to show you that he cares. Have you told him exactly what you’d like from him? Or exactly what he needs to do to keep you in his life? If not, you might want to try that. I think that’s a better plan than trying to reel him in with a HI script. Because he’s saying that he wants something with you, so give him all of the tools that he needs to have that. And then if can’t step up to the plate, at least you know what he is capable of.

Because that’s the thing. This is not about you. It’s obvious that you are fierce, beautiful, talented, and an incredible force of nature. If people don’t get you, they don’t get to have you (that was my tag line forever!). You have a lot to offer, and you don’t want to waste it on the Marcias or the Marcia lovers of the world. You need someone that is as deep and soulful as you are. And so if Jeremy can’t be that, you need to let him go.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that you need to make a romantic ultimatum. I’m talking purely about human connection boundaries. This is how I need you to interact with me if I’m going to feel safe connecting with you on any level. I don’t think you do shallow, and you have to own that and let the pieces fall where they may…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It’s always so upsetting when someone just suddenly wants to make a drastic change and then it’s even more confusing when they then do the opposite of what they just said that they want! That being said, it’s obvious that he is very confused and unsure about what he actually wants.

So here’s the thing that I see right off the bat. You said that you’ve basically spent every day together for 5 months which leads me to believe that you became very involved and committed before ever really knowing what the other person was like, or having an honest conversation about what either of you wanted or was available for. This can lead to a time in the relationship where one person (or both) might start to feel like they are unhappy, or are not getting what they want. Which is even more compounded by the fact that they don’t know exactly what that is. I’m sure there are many things that you both enjoy about the other, but there might be many other looming factors that have never been discussed, like this feeling he has of a loss of freedom. So rather than discuss what he’s feeling and talk vulnerably about what he wants, it feels easier to just disconnect. But obviously he doesn’t really want to disconnect or he wouldn’t be texting everyday!

My go to is always honesty and asking for clarity. First off, I’d try to not have a conversation via text but have a phone call or in person meeting. Then have a conversation about what each of you really want in relationship, and determine if you have that in your relationship. Can you ask him to elaborate on his feeling of being stifled and not get defensive when he tells you the answer?

Also, how are you feeling in this relationship in general? And specific? Are you happy? Is everything great? How is your communication usually? Oftentimes when things seem like they are “out of the blue” we can actually find that there have been some underlying feelings for a while that we’ve been ignoring. Could that possibly be the case?

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for the update, and please, no need to apologize at all for your confusion! That’s why we are here, to help you navigate through these tricky situations and perplexing emotions.

I totally understand that you haven’t felt safe to truly be open and honest with what you need, and he guy hat you’ve been with is not the type of person to inspire confidence in you, or gives you the opportunity to fully trust or rely on him. However, outside of him or any other person, there is an inner core within yourself that needs to be build up so that way it doesn’t matter what other outside forces are doing, you within yourself feel strong and confident. You have to fully understand that if someone isn’t providing you with that space to lean into and trust them, it’s not because of you, it’s because of them. So it’s not a rejection, it’s someone showing you their rue colors.

You’ve seen this guy’s true colors, but you seem to still want to be with him, despite he not being someone that you can really trust, who is cherishing and respecting you the way a true partner should. Why is that? Why do you want to be around someone where you don’t feel safe or chosen? You say that you like him so much…why? What is it that you like? And more importantly, what do you like about how you feel when you’re around him, and how do you feel when you’re not?

To me it sounds like he wants to keep you interested, but he’s not willing to fully commit to you, or to give you what you want, and that’s not fair. So you have to decide if you are ok with having what he’s willing to give, or if moving on is better?

I know what I think, but I want to know what you ultimately want…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

I’m going to respond to the first message because I think you know that it’s not about you being more “interesting” than his new friend. That person is a fantasy, someone he has never even met. She could be an AI for all it matters. She is practically programmed to make him think that she is perfect and that she can solve all of his problems. We know that’s not true.

Unfortunately on the other hand, he is blaming all of his issues and problems on you, and it sounds like he has a group of immature grown ass gamer children egging him on. He has a family with you and he has not been pulling his weight. Of course you are frustrated, upset, and feel unheard, unseen, and neglected. The fact that he was sitting around gaming and watching porn is unhealthy. It’s not even about the substances (aka the porn, the gaming, even the friendships), it’s about the addiction of it all. It’s about him ignoring the life that he created and his responsibilities in it in order to act like a teenager.

I’m sure there are things you would rather be doing than working and maybe even sometimes taking care of your kids. But you are a responsible adult and you do what needs to be done, regardless of what you feel like doing in that moment.

So from my perspective, he is being selfish and immature. Perhaps you weren’t 100% right in how you dealt with his actions, but please don’t beat yourself up about it. You are human and you are doing a lot. And what is he doing?

The fact that you felt like you had to spy on him is awful but again, he gave you reason to not trust him. He didn’t inspire confidence, trust, connection. Usually if someone is secretive and defensive it’s because they ARE hiding something and not being open and honest. Once again, it just feels like you have a teenager on your hands, not a husband.

Is there anyone at all in your life that he is open with or connected to who doesn’t think the way that his toxic friends think? Is here anyone that perhaps could inspire him to look deeper and take some responsibility for the havoc he’s wreaking on his family? Is he willing to do any self reflection at all? Does he recognize he has a problem? Does he realize that he is losing his family over his addictions and mental health issues? Or does he really just want to shift the blame everywhere else?

You are doing a great job holding it together, and you don’t deserve to have to be treated like you’re in the wrong here. Your reactions in this situation are normal. You are doing your best and doing a good job at it! Be kind to yourself. Is there someone that you can go to for support? Do you have any friends or family members that you can turn to on the regular?

We are here to support you of course, but having people in your daily life is very helpful as well.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natalie,

If you’re ok with whatever he wants to give you, then you can have exactly that, until he doesn’t want to give it you anymore, or he finds someone else that he likes better.
The fact is that he treats you like a Plan B, not like a priority.

You said that he’s not dating anyone else, but only because he made a bad impression on the person he went on a date with and so she wasn’t interested. And it’s “only his fantasy” that he’s dating someone else. So you’re ok being with a man who is with you but has fantasies of being with other women and is actively trying to find someone else?

You’re happy he “at least acknowledges he has feelings for me”. This is another very limiting belief. Don’t you want a man who will not only admit and acknowledge his feelings for you, but also express his feelings openly, and make you feel like you are a priiorty to him? Not just a Plan B while he’s in the process of looking for someone else?

You are making it way too easy for him, and your sense of security with him makes no sense as it’s the exact opposite of what you have with him. He will run out the door anytime he feels like it. The only security you have is that by being willing to spend time with him no matter how he treats you, he will likely come back whenever he can’t get what he wants elsewhere. But is that really respectful of yourself?

You mentioned that you’re considering dating someone else. Do you have someone else in mind? What would you be looking for in another person? What attracts you to someone?

You really need to feel like you are worthy of care if you want to actually get any! Why are you ok with being treated like an afterthought?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing more. That does paint a fuller picture of your relationship, and what your lives have been like together. I can understand now that it really does seem like the problem has a lot to do with how he feels about himself and his life in general, and that the issues between you are not necessarily a chronic issue.

You are wise to understand that his unhappiness is not your fault, and that there’s not much that you can do to change that. All you can do is loving support him to make positive changes himself, and hopefully as he makes those changes, he will decide what he wants his life to be like, and he will recognize what he has with you and your family.

It sound like even the brief time away is helping him to have a new appreciation for you and your homelife together. As mentioned before, anything else that he is exploring right now with the gaming or other people sound like nothing more than a fantasy and an escape from reality. Hopefully with going back to school and pursuing positive things, he can have a life that he won’t feel such a need to escape from.

You say that you “played a part” in his unhappiness. Can you share more about that? Since that’s something that you feel like you were in control of, maybe it’s a place where you are holding onto residual pain or guilt.

At this point you sound in a pretty good place with everything. Is there anything specific that you would like support around?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Claire,

How are you? I just wanted to check back in and see how things are going with you and if you’d like to delve any deeper here.

I’m available to connect and would love to help you navigate the wild and wonderful (yet often frustrating) world of dating!

Let me know how you’re doing,
xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

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