[Coach Spyce]

Hi Martina,

I’m glad to hear that there were some revelations that came to you thru my message. It can be difficult to take in someone else’s perspective, so I’m always happy when it’s helpful.

I understand that you feel like you pushed him away by not being as open with him as you feel like you should have, but it also sounds like from your messaging, that he was not open to you having fears and doubts, and he wasn’t willing to be there with you while you worked through them. Did he feel defensive about his choices? Did your fear of moving cause him to doubt what he was doing? Or did it perhaps make him feel like he wasn’t providing for you in the right way? Or was it simply that the difference in your long term desires make him realize that the two of you are too dissimilar to be happy in a relationship together, and that your life goals are different?

Because that brings me back to something I said in the previous message…I know that now that you’re not together you are going back and only thinking of the good things, but do you really think that the two of you want the same things in life? Are you really compatible for the long haul? Breaking up is always going to be hard to do, even when it’s with someone who is awful to you. I’m not saying that he’s been awful to you, it sounds like there have been many wonderful things about the relationship and that can make it more difficult to split up with someone. BUT, if your long term goals are not in alignment, it’s only a matter of time before that can become too long to bear.

So before you go making any big moves to try and win him back, I’d suggest really looking deeply at what you ultimately want, what he ultimately wants, and then seeing if that’s in alignment. It hurts worse to keep trying with someone when it’s clear that the relationship will never be what both parties need, and you are just settling in order to not feel the pain of the split. That is a disservice to both of you, as it will keep you stuck with the wrong person, and not being open to the right person when they come along.

What do you think? Does this have any validity to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Martina,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear about this breakup and I can tell that you are feeling very badly and confused. It’s so hard when someone makes what feels like such a sudden decision out of the blue. One day you are together and all is well, and then without warning it seems that the other person has just changed their mind. It can feel very jarring and scary, and I’m really sorry that this is happening here. Let’s see if we can try to make sense of any of it together.

But first off, I want you to give yourself a break, and be kind and gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for what’s happening here, and thinking that if you just didn’t say something or said another thing, that this wouldn’t have happened. The reality is that this is not true. When you are in a relationship with someone hat is working, and both parties are working on it, there is never just one thing that can or shouldn’t be said that will change everything. So please don’t beat yourself up about that. Also, it sounds like what you were expressing that you fear that he may not like, are your feelings and emotions, and things that are important to you. Those are not to be repressed for anyone, or any relationship. A healthy relationship is a place where you should feel comfortable to be able to express yourself freely, and be able to count on support from your partner to be there for you. If you are scared about something, a loving partner will allow you to feel that fear, and will want to help you work through that in a kind and gentle way.

I’m sorry to say, but it sounds like this man hasn’t been happy for awhile, but perhaps hasn’t really been too honest about the depth of his dissatisfaction because there are good things about the relationship, and I’m sure that you are a lovely woman who he enjoys spending time with in may ways. However, when it comes to the long term of what you both want, it may not be the same thing. And it’s unfair to both of you to be trying to make something work that isn’t coming naturally.

The truth is, you deserve to have your thoughts and feelings honored by whoever you’re with. But first you must honor them yourself. Is there a reason why you feel like your opinions don’t matter? Where did you learn that pattern from? You need to be able to start letting people know what is important to you much earlier on. That will help the other person feel better and even safer with you. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t really share their opinion, and that might be playing into what’s happening here.

Are you in contact at all with him now? Did you send him a birthday message?

Looking forward to learning more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Oh no, sorry to hear that you were hurt, how awful! At least it sounds like it’s not broken? Hoping that you heal up and feel better soon and this doesn’t put you out for too long.

Wow, 110 people at a singles event?!! How was that? You said that it was nice but can you elaborate? Anyone in particular catch your eye? Did you have an fun or intriguing conversations that left you curious for more? Was there a theme to the event besides it being a dessert potluck? I guess I’m wondering if there was some common thread that drew people there besides the fact that everyone was single. Of course there being something that tied people together besides that would draw in more like minded people, and give folks who came better opportunities to meet kindred spirits.

Now that you’re back, are there any men that you are finding of interest? I know that there are lots of social activities that you enjoy and that you’re very active, so I’m curious if you are finding people of the male persuasion through your interest in said activities. I know you haven’t been back for that long yet, and I’m sure that you’re still settling in, but it’s been such a journey getting back home for you that now that you are there, I personally don’t want you to waste any time, haha!

I’m sorry to hear that about Deb but I totally know what you mean and can relate. To me, the love language of time is so important and when someone doesn’t make time to spend with me, it really makes me feel unimportant in their life. And if I’m not important to them, what’s the point of trying to pursue a friendship. I know that I’m a great friend, with a lot to offer, and I’m sure that you are too. When someone is not reciprocating energy I have to walk away. It’s been a difficult boundary to hold, but ultimately it works better.

I was reading back thru some of the messages and saw the thing about helping you rewrite your profile. I am happy to be a part of that! That was always one of my specialties and when I used to have coaching programs, one of my things was all about online dating. If you decide to have us work on it, let me know and I’d love to give input.

Be well,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Diana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! We totally know around here how difficult it can be to decipher what men are saying, especially when they profess so deeply one thing, and then their behaviour displays another. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such a confusing situation, but we are here to help you figure out what’s happening!

Are you new to online dating? There are a couple of rules of thumb that I recommend whenever meeting people online because you need to make sure right off the bat that people are who they say they are. Anyone can pretend to be someone else, and the internet makes it very easy to do just that.

It sounds like at this point you’ve only texted? You need more than that to determine who he is, if he’s genuine, and if he’s actually even real. The first step with online dating is to talk with the person as soon as possible. From there, you set up a video chat. If someone doesn’t want to to do these things, you should assume that they are not being forthright.

So that’s the first question…what do you know about this man besides his phone number?
If we don’t know who he is, unfortunately nothing that he says really matters.

I know this probably this isn’t what you want to hear, but our main objective is to ensure that you are safe in every way. And we are here, as mentioned, to help you navigate!

Look forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for the update, and sharing what’s happening with you. I’m glad to hear that you and Dustin are taking steps to make your communication skills better. Hopefully he is also willing to take responsibility for his own actions and not blame you for things. It’s hard to feel like you’re walking on eggshells, and fear is not a sustainable emotion to have to deal with in a romantic relationship.

Willingness though is half the battle, and I’m happy that you feel that he loves you and wants to make things work with you. As long as he’s responsible for his own demons, I see you growing and progressing in your relationship.

So I’m happy for you!

BUT, I’m sad to hear that you plan to pause your membership! I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit. You are a balanced person with a good head on your shoulders, doing your best through life’s traumas. I commend you for that and am always wishing you the best. Hoping you stay but if not, please know that you can come back anytime and we are always here to help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi lady,

I just wanted to check in with you and say hello, see how things are going.

Let me know how you’re doing!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Sounds like a fun time getting back home and working on house projects. Isn’t it exciting to dream up projects to do in your home and then do them? It’s great to know that anything you do will not only improve your life while living there, but also if you ever want to sell, you are creating the opportunity for a better return. Gotta love being a homeowner! Of course there are sometimes repairs that you don’t want to do but have to, but that once again is the joy of owning your own place. The ups and downs!
But all in all, sounds like it’s good!

Of course it might take some time to meet new people as it’s still winter there, and with such cold temps, no one is really being out too much. I like the idea of going to Starbucks or someplace that you become a regular. Familiarity does breed…well familiarity, so that’s one way to be top of mind. I do prefer finding common interests and gatherings, and places that people come to meet others.

I don’t know if you can do this in your town, but I just started a group where I live that’s an informal dining group. Sometimes when you’re super busy it can be difficult to make plans and then you might find yourself randomly free one night, but with no one to meet with since you were too busy to make plans. Hence this group. If you find yourself in that situation, you can simply post in the group and see who responds and wants to have dinner with you. It’s a social experiment really, so let’s see how it works!

I also went to the east coast recently and experienced snow, like I haven’t in many years.It was peaceful and relaxing at times for sure, but a bit nerve-wracking when I needed to drive in it!

Hope you’re well,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How are things going? I wanted to check in and see what’s happening with you and Dustin. I applaud you for holding up really good boundaries, and for putting your own happiness first. That’s so important! Yes, work on the relationship if it’s worth keeping, but determining that will be a key factor in moving forward.

So how are you feeling about things?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I grew up in Upstate NY. Not too far up, just about two hours from NYC. My mom grew up in the city (well Queens, the suburbs) and really always wanted us to be closer to nature. But my grandparents, aunt and cousins, all lived in Queens so I’d spend all of my holidays and summers there. When I was a kid, I found the “country” to be so boring and always wanted to live in the “city”. But once I got older, I started to enjoy the peaceful nature so much more, and now I love it!

The town where I grew up is very small and peaceful but expensive. I wasn’t able to get a house there, but I am buying in the next town over, which is a small city that is up and coming, and has come a long away as an arts hub since I was a kid. So I’m excited!
For now I plan to have it as a long term rental as I don’t anticipate being able to visit for the next year, but we shall see what happens!

Even though I’ve traveled, and have lived in RI, CO, NC, and now CA, I still consider NY to be my home state. And even though they say that you can’t go home again, I sure am going to try! It’s like we talk about. There are certain places where you just feel more like you, and there’s real merit to that. I’m glad that you were able to travel, but I’ve been waiting since I met you years ago for you to be going home, so I’m just so excited for you!

What are your plans once you get back?
xoxo
Spyce
[email protected]

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Yes, travel is very invigorating! I used to travel quite often but these days find myself way too busy to do so. I will however be going on a trip this week. I am buying a house in the area where I grew up. It will be for investment and also to be able to stay there occasionally when I want to go back and visit. It’s very nostalgic being in my hometown, and I look forward to being connected over there.

Because as we know, being connected to a place, and feeling at home in your home, is oh so important. Sometimes when you’re traveling a lot while it can be exciting, it can also feel like you’re putting your life “on hold” while you explore other places. I used to feel that way often. I would visit loved ones all over the place and while it was always fun to see folks, and it was exciting to go from place to place and not be tied down, there was also a certain feeling of always being a tourist, in different cities, as well as in other people’s lives. So eventually traveling as a lifestyle had to come to an end for me.

Because as much as I love to travel and see other places, I really do need to have a homebase that is cozy, comfy, and where I can have all of my needs met. And not just physical needs. Emotional, social, spiritual, etc. When I have that sense of stability, traveling becomes less stressful and more fun.

Sounds like you are definitely having a great time tho and soaking up everything while you can! That’s a good plan as that way once you’re back at home, you won’t feel like you’ve missed out on anything 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Just wanted to pop in and say that this all sounds amazing! I’m glad that you’re enjoying your time in Europe while you’ve still got some. And then you are going home!! Over the moon about that for you 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear about this! In the last message it seemed that he was really stepping up to the plate, but I can see now that this is the pattern that he keeps going back to.

How he is treating you isn’t fair, and while I don’t like using buzzwords much, I will say that he is gaslighting you. You all were having a perfectly lovely evening and all of a sudden he stands up and says “I want to be alone”, and goes to sleep on the other side of the camper? And then gets sulky and rude himself, acting like a 5 year old? WTH is up with that? That’s extremely immature, unkind, and inconsiderate. A very different flavor from the man the other day who was kicking ass and taking responsibility.

The difficult thing is that you know that he has that other man in him, and so you want to believe that he can and will be that man all of the time. If he quits drinking, or if he’s not detoxing from nicotine or if…what’s going to be the next thing that gets in his way?

The fact is, you are giving him an amazing opportunity. You are giving him your time, your effort, your love and care, your body & your intimacy; the list goes on. I know that you are a bit incredulous about this statement, but you are a catch. And you don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m really glad to hear you say that you can’t keep having this kind of interaction because I wholeheartedly agree. You’ve had this experience before of blame, and it sounds like the universe is testing you now. Will you choose to stick with this again? And if so, why? Is it because you think that you won’t be able to get love without it? Or is it because this is what you think of as love? Either way, you won’t get anything better until you are willing to reject what isn’t good. But I guess you’ll just have to see. I have faith that you will know what you need to do when the time comes.

And don’t worry, I’ll be here for all of it!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Abbie,

It sounds like this is part of a larger conversation that you’ve been having with Heidi in a different thread…somehow it’s here as a new post though!

I don’t know really what’s been happening with you and don’t know who JAK, STL, or LMT are, but they all sound like fascinating people. If you do want to elaborate on anything here I am all ears 🙂

Either way, I know that Heidi is taking care of you. She’s awesome as I’m sure you are too!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I am so pleased to hear about all of the clear communication that you are having! I really admire how you are sticking to your boundaries and letting him know in clear and loving terms what kind of treatment you deserve, expect, and will only accept. And I’m so pleased to hear that he is stepping up to the plate and making improvements in his life. It sounds like he is learning a lot with you and he is here for it. That’s a great thing! No one is perfect, but if someone is willing to acknowledge and work on their faults, or triggers even, then you can really have a lot to work with.

I understand that he has an issue with setting boundaries as well, as we’ve discussed. It happened in past relationships, which is why he doesn’t trust many people and most women, and it’s a core part of who he is. It’s the relationship he has with his mother/parents, so it’s really at the center of how he relates to people. The way you interact with him is totally different than anyone else. That being said, he may not be able to break those patterns with everyone; which is ok as long as he’s not starting them with you. But beyond you, while you can encourage him to stick up for his needs, you will want to take a step back and not get too involved. Maybe it feels good for him to keep his parents happy. Life is short and it sounds like despite some drama, he is close with them?

Outside of that though, I do agree that he should create a comfortable space over where he is living. Do you want to spend time there as well, or is it more for him to want it?And of course, while he can still help them out, he does need to have self care! It’s very hard for caretaker types to care for themselves and also very hard to not care for others. I’m sure that feels really good for you, and it should! A nurturing person is a good match for you, and I’m happy he’s in your life. It sounds positive for the most part.

Then there is the part that’s really about you.
You say: Having a boyfriend seems to be altering my patterns a bit. Time to climb back on my self-care routines.
How is it altering you? At first i thought it was helping but then once you mentioned self care it sounded not exactly positive and more of a reminder to stick to your boundaries. What’s going on there?

Yuck, the Becky thing is awful! It sucks when there’s a toxic person who you see (or experience) as obvious trash and lies and others don’t, or won’t for some reason. And when this drama filled person has it out for you because she feels spurned, she will always want to be telling her story and trying to make everything “like her instead of you”, because yes, she’s on the outside now. The truth is that you and Dustin are both too good for her and so now she must do everything in her power to feel better about herself. She’s been jealous of you from the beginning, and now you got her man, the one that got away. Didn’t you say that she “loved his mom”? And now she’s trying to get all of her friends against her? This so & so is so jealous that she can’t see straight. Poor thing.

I totally understand how hard it is to not want to go backhand a Becky, but I agree with Dustin’s mom that it’s actually really not worth it. Yes it’s awful that she is trying to steal away her friends, but if those people are really worth their weight in salt, they are not going to get sucked into lies. Are her lies believable? It doesn’t make sense. All of the stories you’ve told me about her are just outrageous and hard to believe that anyone could see her in a good light. Hopefully soon everyone will know the truth of who she is.

Keep me posted with what’s happening!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a bit and just wanted to check in and see how things are going.

I also want you to know that you can always reach out to me, whether you’re in a rough place or a great place. You do not have to weather it alone, and you do have people who are wishing good for you, present company included.

I don’t want you to ever feel like you are judged for making the decision you make, and choosing to be loved. That’s something we all want and deserve, and I know that despite how fabulous of a creature you may appear to some, you have not had love in that deep way. So I’m really hoping that part keeps feeling good!

Either way, I’m along for the ride girl 😉
xoxo
Spyce

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