[Coach Spyce]

Hi Keri,

I totally understand your feelings. Your husband is your family, and you can’t imagine not being together with him. I’m sure it’s definitely triggering a trauma response to think of being without him, since you don’t have family, and he has been your saviour, protector, and provider, all wrapped in one. Of course it feels scary to think of not having that and you want to keep having exactly that.

But right now you’re not getting that with him, so we need to try to unpack why. It could be that he still does love you and wants to be with you, and is ok with still doing that, but he also wants to go out on his own a bit and explore. And he doesn’t feel like he could do that without totally breaking up the relationship. So he’s lying and pulling away because he feels guilty about what he’s doing.

The first thing though is, do you want to know what he’s up to when he’s not there? Can you handle it? If so you will have to ask for it if that’s what you really want, as I’m sure he wouldn’t offer to tell you as it would just hurt you and you’d feel forced to make changes. But when people are not being honest with each other, and don’t feel like they can be, it easily builds a huge wall between them as the trust is broken. So how can you get back to a space of trust with him? In my opinion, the only way that this can be worked through is honesty.

I think that the main reason your husband is pulling away is because he’s not being honest with you and he doesn’t feel like he can be. So you need to decide if you want him to be, and if you are willing to be and ready to handle whatever might come from it.
From there we can start crafting exactly what you need to say and how to approach him for the best results.

But an idea I’m just going to throw your way…have you ever heard of people having open relationships?
In a healthy open relationship, people are able to get some of the needs that they have met outside of the primary relationship, without having to end the primary relationship. This can work well when people have a strong connection but also have different needs for intimacy and experiences. You don’t have to leave the person that you love and have a family with just because you also want to have other experiences. But you also really want to have the experiences. So there are a few ways that you go about things. You do it anyway and you lie about it, building a wall between you and your partner. You don’t do it and you resent your partner, building a wall between you and your partner. You talk about it openly, get everyone on board, ensure each other that you will work through whatever gets in the way of you being together, and you own what you want out of life.

Because here’s the thing. Everyone wants what they want. And most people are only going to do what they want, or die trying. You can try to force yourself and other people to feel things that you don’t but eventually, the heart wants what the heart wants. Even though it’s not easy, being able to be honest with someone about the really deep parts of you that you are ashamed to share with anyone, is the one thing that brings you to that deeper level of intimacy that you were talking about.

You said, “i love being around him cause i can just be my self and he knows my inns and outs and still accepts me”.
I’m sure you’d like to feel that he feels that way about you too. So think about if you feel like you could create a space for him to be more open with you, and then we will discuss further exactly how. Not saying it has to be one thing or another just yet.

Regardless though what happens, for your own sanity and happiness you need to develop some hobbies and things that you can do on your own and outside of him. Do you have girlfriends that you get together with regularly? Other moms or people from work, or religious gatherings, etc? You have to have a life outside of being with him, or it will further degrade your feelings of self worth.

Of course you can feel free to contact anytime but just so you know, I’m not usually on the forum over the weekend. Take some time to digest what I’ve said, and I’ll look forward to checking back in within a few days!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Keri,

Good to hear from you and thanks for sharing more details. I’m glad to hear that the message helped. You said that after he asked you to do something for him. Did you do it? Were you happy about him asking or was it an annoyance?

They say that when someone shows you who they are, to believe them, and I do think that’s true. From these messages I am surmising the situation and here’s what I think. You are a lovely person, and I want you to stop thinking that you need to change. You don’t need to look different, smell different, and you don’t have to act differently unless you truly feel like you are doing something wrong. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. You are kind, loving, considerate, etc, so the issue is not you. It sounds like he knows that, and that’s why he keeps saying that you shouldn’t be together. He obviously has a lot of guilt, because he knows that he isn’t treating you kindly. It seems that he cares about you, after all you are the mother of his kids, right? But it sounds like he either doesn’t have what it takes to be a good husband, or he just doesn’t want to.

Did you get together and marry young? It seems like he’s really hungry for attention and interest from women, and that can happen when someone feels like they didn’t get enough of that in their youth. How is his self esteem? I do think that it’s unlikely hat he’s really meeting woman, because it’s probably more of a fantasy thing, and if he meets them, he has to abandon the fantasy, and then he has to be back into reality, where he isn’t doing that great of a job.

A saying that I live by is “If they wanted to, they would”, and even though that’s very simplified, it’s true. You just can’t change anyone, and you trying to change yourself in order to make him change is unhealthy, and only going to make you feel worse. You have to recognize that you are a wonderful person, and as I’ve said in these messages, you are a kind and generous partner, unless there’s something you’re not telling me. Is there something I’m missing? Are you secretly awful? I don’t think you are, and so I wonder why you don’t think that you deserve to be with someone who will love you deeply. Yhe way he is treating you is not right, and the most right thing he’s doing is by saying that you don’t deserve him. Because you don’t. You deserve much better. I think he knows that too.

So what do YOU want? I know you want him but why? What does he bring to your table? How do you feel when he’s around? How does he make you feel special?

Really think on that. I want to know exactly what makes you want him around all the time…Not as who he was before, but with who he is now…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Keri,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation. It sounds like there is a lot going on both inside and outside of the relationship, together and apart as well. It’s really difficult when someone won’t communicate, as that is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship, having, and being willing and wanting to have, clear communication.

It sounds like being open about his feelings is something that your husband is not willing to do. He seems conflict avoidant since he is not even willing to have a face to face conversation with you and would prefer to text. Does he have issues in his life with confronting people or standing up for himself? Would he rather just hide away rather than talking with people in his life if he has an issue, or even a feeling about something?
If that’s the case, that’s not a you problem. That’s baggage that he brought into the relationship, and only he can fix it.

You say that he’s cheated on you by talking with other women, has he met or been physically intimate with other women? I’m sure being a voice over text to women is easy for him as he doesn’t have to be upfront about anything in his actual life. But none of that is the day to day reality which is what it seems that he is trying to escape from.
I understand that maybe he’s going through something intense right now and doesn’t know how to talk about it, but that’s not your fault. He’s a grown man and he has to have the courage to make some changes, or risk losing his family.

So you need to be able to say some of this to him. If he is home, can’t you just walk into the room where he is and talk to him? If you don’t want to do that and you’d rather text, at least let him know some of this. Say, “I know you’ve been stressed about XYZ. I want you to know that I’m here for you. I don’t need anything from you right now, I just want you to know that you have me as a safe space” or something like that. See if you can get him to open up that way and talk with you about what’s going on.

But I do want to address this: you said that he “thinks he is not right for me after 12 years of being together”. Can you share more about this? Does he say why? Give examples? Is there something else that he wants? The problem is that if he’s not talking, it’s really difficult to make anything better. But I can assure you, he will not be able to find anyone more right for him if he doesn’t learn how to communicate. To be honest, you are being a kind and generous wife to allow him to text you instead of talk and you have noy kicked him to the curb. The way he is treating you is not right, and I want you to recognize that. He is not being a good husband, or a mature man. His behaviour is selfish and immature. I know that you are in love with him, but I want you to think just a bit about what that really means, and how you want someone to treat you that you are giving yourself to. This goes back to what you’re saying about self esteem. We will get into that next time. This is a good amount for now!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Keri,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this disconnection with your husband. That can be really painful!

Can you share more about what’s been happening? Was there any specific incident that caused this, or any time that you can pinpoint when you started to feel a shift in the energy?

Taking your relationship out of the equation, could it be that there are other things in his life that he’s upset about? Work, finances, children, other family members, etc? WHen someone is in a bad space, it’s natural for them to disconnect. Also with men, if they are in a tough spot, they don’t always want to open up about what they are going through as it makes them feel weak, and like hey are not being a strong man. He might be upset about something and just doesn’t feel like he can tell you, so instead he’s pulling away.
Let’s look at this more about what kind of problem he may be having before assuming that there’s something that you’ve done wrong or that he’s upset with you.

What has your relationship been like up to this point? If you’ve been together a long time, how do you usually communicate? When difficult things have come up in your family, how have you dealt with them? How close do you usually feel? How is the current situation different from what’s normal?

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Johanna,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! It certainly can be difficult when you’re with someone who is not willing to do the work to get over whatever is getting in the way of your relationship.

You say that he is love with someone else who is also married to someone else, but that can’t be the only issue in your marriage. it’s natural for someone to yearn for something that they wanted and could never have, and assume that the relationship that they were never able to be in is the answer to all their prayers. What he’s saying is that since he couldn’t be with her, he settled for being with you and that you’re not good enough to make him forget her and be happy with you. But all of this is just really a fantasy and not based in reality at all. It’s easy for him to assume that if he was with her that his life would be perfect and not being with her is the cause of all of his problems, but I can assure you that would not be true. If he has trauma and issues from his childhood, he would still have those with her, unless he works on them. And that’s the same boat that he’s in now. He needs to work on himself if he’s ever going to be truly happy. Breaking up your family and this other woman’s is not going to solve what’s going on inside of him.

It also sounds like you are all pretty young, and this idea of your “first love” being the best one is a load of BS. Everyone grows and changes, hopefully for the better. You learn more about who you are, what you want, etc, and so as you do, you create boundaries and healthier relationships based on your ability to know yourself and the other person. That’s why so many second marriages are more successful than the first ones.

You want to know exactly what the next step is…where exactly are you now? You said that you’ve had “5 struggling years” so it seems like there have been issues all along. What are you working on? How are you working on them? What are the main issues that you are dealing with now? This would be important to know to determine the best path forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Wow! You’re leaving us??!! I’m so sorry to see you go! You’ve been here since before I even came on, and so you’ve been a mainstay in my experience here. What will we do without our Rhonda emails??!!

But of course, if you are ready to move on, that’s a good thing! It means you’ve grown, you’ve healed, and you’ve gotten something out of your time here. So that being said, I am happy for you!

We were with you though a couple of jobs, your international move, and finally your trip to settle back home. I was rooting for you so badly to get back to the place where your heart sings as I know that feeling. I myself am in the process of having a home in my home state of NY. I know how special that is, and I’m so glad I got to be a part of your significant journey that has such a happy ending.

I have nothing but faith that you are going to be successful in these next chapters of your life, because you are proactive, thoughtful, creative, and friendly. I’m always wishing you all the best in the world!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Linda,

Thanks for filling me in! Sounds like you have a deep connection with this man. It’s always nice when you feel like someone is in it for the long haul, and even though you hadn’t seen each other for awhile, that once you did, the feelings came back. That’s wonderful! I’m glad that you have found someone that you have physical AND emotional intimacy with, and probably all of the other things too!

I didn’t realize when I questioned here that you are actively chatting with Heidi on another thread so I’m going to close this thread and let you continue over there so as not to cause confusion.

I’ll be wishing you well from the sidelines!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

Thanks for writing in and welcome to the forum! We are glad that you are here asking for support as it sounds like you have had a rough time of it. I’m sorry to hear that you were in a loveless and sexless marriage, and even though divorce is painful, I’m happy for you that you had the courage and ability to get out, and that you are now free to make new decisions, and to find someone that really works for what you want right now in your life.

It’s understandable that you would respond strongly to someone giving you romantic and sexual energy, and that could compel you to overlook red flags in the scenario, as well as be very confusing. So I don’t want you to feel bad for responding to his attention and for getting attached. You are human, and humans crave intimacy. When you first get out of a situation like you were in, you are going to be starving for someone to show you that attention, affection, and intimacy you didn’t have for so long. And you deserve to feel desired, wanted, and attractive. That’s perfectly normal!

But it’s about learning how to get what you want and need without getting your heart devastated in the process, and that is a journey. One that you’re on now but it’s new, and you have to give yourself some grace, and cut yourself some slack. After all, this can be a fun journey, an enlightening and inspiring journey, and also a difficult and intense journey, but what is life without the sugar AND the spice? 😉

here are a few tips.
1. You don’t want to jump into another relationship right away. If you’ve been in an intimacy devoid marriage, you have probably also been doing a lot to placate the relationship in many ways, and you owe yourself this time to figure out who you are and who you want to be. Of course you want intimacy in the meantime, but you have to learn how to get it in a way that’s safe, physically AND emotionally. which leads me to…

2. You do have to be careful and really know what you want when going into the world of online dating, and hookup culture. I have to be honest with you, most men are online looking for sex. If they tell you they are looking for FWB, believe them, because it’s more than true. And if they tell you that, then all of us women know that you can’t blame them when you catch feelings, because they were honest with you from the start. At least that’s how it’s supposed to be…

3. This is possible, but as mentioned, it does take work.

That being said, I do have a few questions for you.
1. Was he honest about only wanting a FWB?
2. Have you told him that you’ve become attached?
3. What do you want to see happen?
4. Was the intimacy ever there with your husband?
5. How were you as a sexual person before your marriage? Had you been with many people?

Let’s start there and see what we can get into! I just want you to know that even if this is scary, I am here with you on this journey for as long as you need me! This subject is one of my specialties so I know exactly what you’re going through and I am here to help.

Stay strong, you’re a good person!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shannon,

Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story! You sound like a super intelligent and thoughtful woman. Kudos to you for being willing to own up to your mistakes, and reach out to clean up your side of the street. That is brave and mature, and not everyone does it. As a matter of fact, many people don’t. But if you’re not willing to, you will never have a healthy relationship. But good news, sounds like you can! So there’s hope 🙂

I also get the sense that you are used to being in control in your life. Can you tell me more about that? Do you have kids? A high-stress job? Needy family? Experience either yourself or close people of addiction? Have you lost some close people? Have you experienced sudden loss? Are you see as “the strong one”? Oldest child? These are all things that force us to feel like we constantly have to be in control, and it’s heavy.

I get it, because I am this way too, and relate to much of what I’ve said above, and as a trauma response, have taken on many things with a plan make it happen no matter what. I just never want to feel like I had the power to make something great happen and I didn’t. This has caused me though to think that I also could change someone else, and that my will would carry the relationship through for both of us. Unfortunately that was never true. Because in relationships, BOTH parties have to work on it, and want to work on it. Is he there? I’m not getting that he is. You say, ‘I want to get him back, but, distance is a problem.’ Yes AND, what I just mentioned might be one too. So I’d recommend that we unpack that a bit before making any decisions.

That being said, spill a bit more about your relationship of the past 10! How did you meet? How has the relationship been? You said, we ‘both treated each other terribly, disrespected & took each other for granted’. That doesn’t sound that fun and nourishing of a situation. Can you elaborate on that?

And don’t worry, we are professionals and have heard (and experienced) it all! Also we are all anonymous here so your secrets are safe 🙂

So for now, I think this is a great start! I look forward to learning more about you and helping you navigate these wild and wonderful relationship waters.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tamara,

I just wanted to chime in here and see how things are going for you. You’ve been in this relationship for a long time and it can be so difficult to digest what’s happening from an outside perspective when that’s the last thing that we want to hear. It would feel much better if Heidi said, “oh he sounds great, don’t change a thing!” But obviously there is something that’s disturbing you about the situation as you are reaching out for support. We are here to give that to you!

I totally understand how difficult it can be to set boundaries with someone you love. It’s also difficult when you’ve been with someone for many years and you see them making even the smallest of changes. Of course you want to cling onto those changes and shine them as a beacon of hope. Because hope is the thing that you’re the most abundant in here, and so any win, no matter how small, breeds promise of improvement.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that he won’t change and that your relationship is dead in the water as its not my place or anyone’s to say that. I can tell you that the older we get the harder it is to change, but humans are also capable of extraordinary things. The two components that do have to come into play though in order for change to occur are acknowledgement, and desire. So to put it simply, one must acknowledge that things aren’t good or healthy the way that they are, and thn they themselves must have the desire to make those changes. Sometimes even that is not enough, but it’s a good start for sure.

It sounds like your communication with him has been really difficult, but I wonder if you have had any real and deep conversations about your feelings and experience with him? If not, why not? If so, how did they go? Even though it may be obvious to you that there are deep seated issues, if someone has been in a bad behavioural pattern for many years and everyone around them either ignores or placates that negative behaviour, they may not even see it as an issue as they are not losing anything from being that way. Yes, it’s his own job to do that self reflection work, but if you aren’t letting him know how it’s affecting you and how it could affect the future of your relationship, you are doing both of you a disservice.

I know it’s difficult to speak up, but hopefully through our conversations here we can support you to have that courage and faith to move your life forward in a healthy and productive way.

If you’re open to sharing more, I’d love to hear more about how things are going for you, and see what we can do to help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Linda,

Just wanted to check in. Did what Heidi said make sense to you? How are things going?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Johanna,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! Being a human can be messy, difficult, and exhilarating, right? But unless you open yourself up to all of it, you can miss out on so much of the beauty as well. So it’s good to hear that you are delving deep into the spaces within to allow yourself to have the full experience of love, even if it might hurt at times.

Absolutely you must love yourself before you can truly love anyone else, and that can be difficult. Because in order to love ourselves, we must sometimes walk away from someone that we want to love if they are not treating us well, or if they are not able to give us the kind of attention and experience that we deserve, and that we are willing to give to them.

Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle as we can always find someone who is prettier, more intelligent, has a better body, more cheerful, etc but these are just perceptions that have nothing based in actual reality. Love really comes down to the feeling that you have with someone, and is much less based on anything physical. And one of the most attractive qualities is confidence, and someone who knows who they are, and is doing the work to just become more of that person everyday.

When you ask, ‘how to overcome that I was not his first love’, I am curious why this matters to you. Are you referring to his first love ever, or do you mean that you are currently not his priority and that there are others that hold that title? And then asking ‘Will I ever BE his true love?’, there are many factors that could be at play here.

So before we delve too much deeper, I’d love to learn more about the specifics of your situation, and see how I can be an ally in your healing journey.

Looking forward,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

Thanks for the update! That makes sense about your renovation. How could there only be one bathroom on a separate floor from the bedrooms? That doesn’t make sense! You really have to wonder sometimes why things get designed the way they do. As a realtor and investor I do see a lot, and many things that make cringe and wonder what they were thinking!
Good to hear that you have a plan, and yes! Unless someone comes highly recommended and you are certain that you really want to work with hem in particular, it does make sense to at least talk to 2-3 people. Of course Im not sure how it is there and if it’s super difficult to find workers because if that’s the case, you may be at the mercy of whoever can do it. But hopefully you can have some people to choose from!

Sounds like you’re having a lot of fun and meeting people. That’s so great! Sorry to hear that you keep getting hurt tho. I guess you’re just such a daredevil, lol! And luckily there are cute guys like Brandon to help. Now how young is he? You know I always recommend for women to date younger, and I know I’ve told you multiple times that I would advise that particularly for you because you are so active. I mean, of course it does depend on how much younger he is. If he’s never been married and is young enough to want children, then the relationship couldn’t get any traction, but if he’s had some life experience and kids are not part of his plan or he’s already been there and done that, I don’t think age gaps are that bad at this stage of the game.

Beyond that, sounds like you might hike with Bruce, and Sam is a really affable guy that would be nice to get to know. I know that you said Bruce hasn’t responded yet, but I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Give him some time!

I know that you mentioned organizing an event and having poor attendance and canceling, but I would give that some time too. It can take awhile to get people to be able to commit and attend things. Not because they don’t want to, but r4eally because people get so busy. I’d reccomend trying to plan it far in advance, and seeing if that helps. I’ve run a lot of events so I know how frustrating it can feel sometimes, but with time and consistency, things do and can work out!

I look forward to hearing more about your adventures 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

So you’re doing a renovation project? How cool! I may have told you before, but that is definitely in my wheelhouse. I know I’d mentioned that I do real estate, and maybe you know I’ve flipped a few houses too? So yes, I do love remodeling and redesigning spaces.
It sounds like you’re redoing your bathroom? Very nice! Definitely put in a big, beautiful tub! Make it into a spa-like environment. Is that your plan? 🙂

I know many people will say that they want to live in a house, but there are definitely benefits to condo life, don’t you think? It can be great for first time home buyers who are new to the market and don’t know the many things that can pop up as a homeowner. And a condo can be great for someone who has downsized, and doesn’t want to deal with all of the homeowner responsibilities. And, it leave you more money for the fun stuff, like redoing your bathroom! Tell me more 🙂

Besides that, sounds like being home is so good for you. What’s happening with work? Are you currently just working from home these days, or do you have to be in the office at all? Either way, it certainly doesn’t sound like work is at all the stressor that it used to be, so that’s wonderful! It truly is sometimes just where you are…

Men? Meeting any? Who is this Brandon? Anyone else on the horizon?

Sending love & well wishes!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello NI,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for vulnerably sharing your story. We know how hard this is and we are glad that you reached out for help! First off, I’m so sorry to hear that you and your children are in this awful situation. It’s really challenging to be with someone who is being cruel and refused to see it.

When someone refuses to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, it’s an ultimate sign of immaturity, selfishness, and really…low self esteem. The fact that he blames it all on you is very unkind, ridiculous, and absolutely false, so I hope you don’t take that on! This is all something that

So let me ask a couple of clarifying questions…
How long have you been together? How did you meet? What are some things that you’ve enjoyed about your relationship? Are there some good aspects? Has it always been like this or has it gotten worse over time? Was there anything in particular that happened where things changed?

Sometimes we can see red flags from the beginning and choose to ignore them. Other times we are totally blindsided when someone shows you only their good side in order to reel you in, and then once they’ve got you, the truth of who they are come out. Which of these scenarios would you most say resonates with your relationship?

You say that you’ve left emotionally and mentally and now you’re just physically there. What is stopping you from leaving? Obviously there can be many things, so I’m wondering what specifically what it is for you. Do you have any support outside of the marriage?

Please let me know more about your situation so I can better assist. Everything there is totally confidential. We do not know your name, what you look like, where you are located or anything. You can tell us anything you’d like and it will always stay confidential. You can depend on that!

Looking forward to hearing back from you,

xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

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