[Coach Spyce]

Hi Becky,

Well trying is rather simple, to be honest, it just involves the brave and scary thing of putting yourself out there. Being vulnerable and transparent with your feelings regardless of what might come to you afterwards, which may be nothing. So you need to be prepared for nothing, and you need to be prepared for how you’re going to feel and deal with those emotions if you do not get any response, or if you get the same placid and unavailable responses from him you’ve gotten so far.

Of course, it would be amazing if he suddenly changed and went deep with you on an emotional level, expressing his fears, his insecurities, his deepest and darkest secrets. I understand that you want that, and I want that for you as well, and for him, because I truly believe that a life without deep emotion is a very sad one indeed. But we can’t rely on that, expect that, and I certainly don’t want you being sent down a downward spiral if that doesn’t happen because it is the more unlikely scenario. So before doing anything, I would like you to get clear in yourself that no matter what he says or does, and/or doesn’t say or do, that you know that you are a wonderful human and beautiful woman who is worthy of deep love and connection. If he can’t be in that realm with you, that’s his fault, that’s not on you. I want you to really know that and feel it in your bones, and have that as a mantra in your mind while you’re going through this process of trying to get clarity and closure.

Then once you have this encased inside your mind, body, and soul, then you open up the door to connection. If you feel better about starting with his family, then go there. Ask for a conversation. And then lay it on the line. Tell her what you’ve told me and ask if she has any insight. If doesn’t help, then you repeat the same thing with him. But with him, you can’t be afraid to push. You have to be willing to grill him, to look needy, to be vulnerable. At this point, you’re not getting anywhere by pretending that you don’t care, so you have to try another tactic. Like I said, it may do absolutely nothing, but at least you will know that you’ve given it everything that you’ve got. You’ve left no stone unturned. That’s really all that you can do.

How does this land with you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Becky,

My apologies for the delay in response! Things have been a bit crazy over here and your message got lost in the fray. How are things going? Have you been in touch with anyone?

What you are saying about his previous marriage makes a lot of sense with the patterns that we are seeing here with you. He is classically avoidant. He hides his feelings, pushes them down and ignores them until things get to be too much and then he runs away. He doesnt look at how he might fix things or makes things better, he just leaves when the going gets tough. And he can justify it by saying, “well I just am not in love anymore”, but the truth is that love takes commitment to growth and working through things. If you don’t have that, you don’t have anything. becuse hard feelings will arise, that’s just life. Either you work through them because you want to be with the person, or you ignore them and eventually all of that resentment builds up and the relationship becomes toxic and tainted. Sounds like he constantly picks the latter.

So to be honest, at this point I’m thinking that regardless of what you do, regardless of how transparent and vulnerable with him you can be, I don’t know if that’s going to change anything much. Because he has this pattern of running away, and he has already given up on your relationship, as is his way. So at this point, I’m wondering if it might be best for you to look at what is keeping you so tied to this man, and fighting to make him see your worth when he’s not doing it on his own?

I understand that you lacked passion in your marriage, and this felt different to you, but just because it was the best you’ve had so far, that doesn’t mean it’s the best that you can get. When we work on ourselves and get clearer on what we want and what we are not willing to settle for, the reality of who we are with becomes better and better, and more aligned with our true vision. I just would hate for you to keep pining over this person who is not going to change, when your time could be more well spent working on yourself and your vision for your life.

What are your thoughts on this?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Becky,

Thanks for continuing to share! From the sound of it, there really feels like a blatant lack of self esteem, and a desire to be liked rather than to be honest. When someone rarely expresses strong opinions about their own needs and wants, it tends to be not because they don’t have them, but because there’s a part of them that doesn’t believe that they deserve to have them fulfilled. And that pattern could be the only indication that this person is like this. They don’t have to come off as shy or insecure, just the fact that they are seemingly agreeable until they are suddenly not points to this kind of underlying personality trait.

Now that we are talking about it, can you see other relationships that he has in his life where this might be the pattern?

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve witnessed women as needy when they are asking for what they want. There are not many places in society where women are celebrated for being true to their desires and setting strong boundaries, and instead it defaults to this idea that they are needy, high-maintenance, or even less savory titles. This gives women and men no healthy spaces to relate in, and there are more societal norms that let men get away with treating women in a very demeaning and unsupportive way and not getting called out on it. I’m not saying that this necessarily was happening in your most recent relationship, but it does sound like this is something you’ve encountered in your life. What about your marriage? What was that like?

In terms of sitting down and asking for a conversation with his family, and/or asking for a conversation with him, I don’t think that there’s anything that you need to do to be owed that. It just simply can be. If you’re feeling shaky about starting with him, perhaps begin with his family. Is there someone in his family that you felt closer to than any others? Maybe you can start with them. What would you ask? What would you want to know at this juncture?

Or since you’re saying that you’re feeling like you’d “be ready fairly soon to try and talk to him”, maybe skipping the family and going right to the source is best. Let me know what you’re thinking, and I’m happy to think it through with you, and help you craft exactly what you’d like to discuss and how.

Keep me posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Becky,

Yes, I’m sorry that we both share that pain of having lost our parents. I lost mine young, but it’s true that it’s hurtful at any age. My grandmother recently died at 103, and my aunt still talks all the time about how much she misses her. There can never be enough time with the people that you love. It’s nice to hear that he was supportive to you during that time of loss.

I understand what you mean about feeling like you don’t want to come off as needy. In my life as a coach, I used to focus primarily on coaching strong, successful, alpha women, as I am one myself and understand the dynamic. We are used to taking care of ourselves, able to take care of ourselves, and can appear like we have our lives so together to outsiders, that they can even feel intimidated to help us. Or they can feel like they just don’t have anything to give us, or that they are not enough. I wonder if there’s some of that going on here with your guy. Could it be like he feels like he doesn’t bring anything to your life that you don’t already have? Do you think he could be having esteem issues about the relationship?

In terms of how this affects you and how you operate in the world, I can understand that it feels difficult for you to open up. As you said, you don’t want to appear needy or high maintenance. Where does that come from for you? have you had experiences in the past where you either were that way and people rejected you? Or did you witness other people being that way (like a mom or other female role model) and it turned you off?

The thing is, there is also a lot of strength in vulnerability, especially in male/female relationships. As I was alluding to above, men like to feel that they can take care of their woman, and if a woman seems like she absolutely doesn’t need them, they may just drop them and look for someone who does make them feel that way. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that you being strong and independent is wrong or bad at all. In many ways its very admirable. However it also sounds like you’re putting up a wall and not letting anyone get too close. And after five eyars of being with someone if you have noy been transparent with them about your true feelings, it could be that he really does not know how deeply you feel.

There are some situations where I believe in being casual, but I don’t don’t know that this is one of them. I just really wonder if he is clueless, and perhaps if you were more forthcoming with him, if it could make a difference.

You said that you are close to his family. Do they have any insight into what’s going on here? I was asking if he’d made any other big changes to see if he’s “going off the deep end” in other ways, but it sounds like not. It sounds like he’s pretty complacent, at least on the outside, like you. But I wonder…is he really that complacent on the inside, or are both of you hiding the truth of what’s going on for fear of rejection?

What do you think it would look like if you asked to sit down with him and truly have a heart to heart?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing more! It sounds like while the communication hasn’t been exactly difficult, it hasn’t been particularly deep either. So that lack of prying under the hood can lead to a sense of complacency, and maybe sometimes not even knowing what the real issue. So when you inquired deeper into why he didn’t want to be together, he didn’t really give you an answer. And it could actually be that he didn’t really have you an answer, just more has an overall feeling of complacency within himself that spills over into his relationships and connections.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s passing, and it sounds like your mom is gone too? I also lost both of my parents, and I find that having close people in my life is so important to me. It always has been, but especially because I don’t have parents. I can understand how having a partner where you can be close to his family, as well as he being a close part of your kids lives, is really special, and ow you would want to cherish that and not let it go so easily.

You’ve outlined some of the ways that you’ve changed recently, and kudos on taking your physical and mental health into your hands and doing something to improve your circumstances. I’m curious if there have been any changes made in his life recently. Either anything beyond his control, or anything that he’s made happen, beyond initiating the breakup with you. These could be clues into why he’s doing what he’s doing, and what he’s trying to accomplish.

You mentioned that you want him to see all of the changes that you’ve made, and it sounds like you blame yourself for the break. Do you? I don’t think that’s fair to do to yourself. If he does in fact care about you, he should have been able to have some conversations with you and try to see if a repair could be made as opposed to just throwing in the towel. It seems very emotionless the way he’s treating you. And what about your kids? How old are they? What is that relationship like? Has he been like a father figure to them? How are they experiencing this?

The fact is that you can’t force someone to want to be with you, but you can ask for clarification, closure, or whatever else you may want or need to help you better understand what’s happening here. And I for one, think that you deserve more answers if you want them. Also, I wonder if he knows how you’re feeling. Maybe you are just keeping things even keel in our conversation, but it sounds like you took things pretty agreeably, immediately stopped contacting him for 30 days, and have not really asked for much of an explanation. If that’s really how things have gone down, he might think that you don’t much care to reconcile, and that you are ok with it. That’s the other side of it. How transparent and open are you with your feelings? In this situation AND in general. Does he know what you’re feeling?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Becky,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you were blindsided in your relationship. That is the worst! It’s never fun when you think something is going well, and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under you with no warning. Of course you want to know what happened, and of course it’s easy to blame yourself and look at what you must have done to cause this. But rarely if ever is that the case. It’s more typical that the person who is doing the blindsiding has not been being honest all along…

He said he needed change and wanted to be single.
Did you discuss what kind of change exactly he wanted? Did he want to date other people? Was he not in love with you anymore? Why does he want to be single? What is me wanting that he’snot getting in the relationship with you, or feels that he can’t?

You say that he just sucks at communicating. How was your communication throughout the five years that you were together? If there was an issue, did you talk things through? You said that you rarely fought, which is great, but do you think it was because he was hiding his true feelings? That often seems to be the case when someone out of the blue just up and changes…

There’s an expression that it’s better to tell the truth than a nice lie, but it seems like he lives by the opposite of that credo. And unfortunately, unless you can get the truth out of him, you are really just wasting your time and your efforts.

The thing is, he is giving you his truth, just not in his words, but in his actions. Another expression that makes a lot of sense…if he wanted to, he would. He responds back to you because he’s a “nice guy” and it would be rude not to. But he doesn’t initiate contact, he hasn’t come to you and said he made a mistake, and unfortunately there is nothing in his behaviour that indicates that he wants to get back together with you. You want to be with someone who is willing to fight for you, or at least willing to be honest with you.

So why do you want to pursue a man who is not appreciating you and all that you have to offer him? You say that you love him, but what does that mean to you? What do you love about him? What does being with him do for you?

You said that not being with him you are starting to feel like your old self again. Isn’t that a good thing? How did you change when you were with him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Misti,

I’m going to chime in here. Thanks for sharing your story and I get that there is a lot going on. First off, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. No parent should have to bury their child and I’m so sad to hear that your family went through that. And yes, as Heidi said, it sounds like you’re all dealing with that in different ways. The common thread is that everyone is going to deal with their grief somehow, whether it’s obvious or more under the radar.

Understood that your children are grown adults, and it’s nice that they are stepping in to support you and try to talk some sense into their dad. But at this point, I don’t think that any sense talking or ultimatums are going to be what changes anything. He is obviously really in the trenches with his emotions, and until he is willing and able to see what’s going on for himself and make necessary changes, it’s going to be something where he feels ganged up on, you against him, and like no one understands him…except maybe this new woman. Because she us not involved in the family dynamic and with her, he is someone different than who he’s been. Living in that fantasy can be very intoxicating and it’s common for people to want to live in an alternate reality where they feel good most of the time when dealing with grief. It’s a great escape until it’s not.

I think it comes back to though that your husband has to be the one who is seeing the issue. It can’t be your sons guilting him with ultimatums, or you trying to reason with him. It has to be his own realization that he’s not doing the right thing. And all that you can do is be sovereign of your own doings and emotions, and protect yourself in the situation. I understand that you just want your husband back, but he has to make that decision to come back, and if he still is that person who he was before. In the meantime, you have to make yourself happy. Do you have any thoughts as to how you can do that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Leslie,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I know it can be really hard to figure out exactly what to do to help someone, and of course you want your spouse to be happy, and to do everything in your power to help them be so. But the unfortunate truth is that everyone has to put on their own life preserver first, and you definitely can’t make yourself unhappy in the process. So in that sense I do agree with his statement of “do what makes you happy”.

Was there anything that happened after his birthday to make him depressed, or was it just about the passing of time, getting older? Also if he’s had unchecked health issues that can be depressing in and of itself. And if he’s not one to deal with his physical health, I can imagine that he’s even less likely to look at ways to get help for his mental health. Holding all of that in leads to depression, low libido, distancing yourself from those who care about and what brings you pleasure, abusing substances and addictive behaviour, and all of the above that it sounds like you are experiencing with him.

So at this point, I’d say it’s not you, or anything you’re doing or not doing. It sounds like he has a lot going on that he’s not dealing with. Unfortunately until he’s willing to, what can you do? If he’s been taught that from his family dynamic, he apparently believes that this is the way to be. If his parents continue on with this dynamic, then he sees it as normal, and nothing that needs to be changed, which is too bad. He needs to come to the realization that this is not normal, and his lack of willingness to take responsibility for his own part in things is ruining his marriage.

It sounds like he wants to place the blame on you and thats not fair. It takes two to break down and also two to fix it. But this doesnt sound like something that the two of you can do on your own, and you’d likely really benefit from working with a therapist. Is he open to that? I’m not sure if I see any other way…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Leslie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! So sorry to hear that you are going through this with your husband. I understand how difficult it is when you have such different schedules, and you don’t get the time to really just be together and connect. It’s also really hurtful when you feel like your spouse is lying to you, as you want to be the one person that they can really let it all out with. To be fair, it sounds like you both are having a hard time with life right now, and that can be really difficult to navigate as a couple if you’re not used to doing so.

Is his pattern to pull away and deal with his emotions on his own? If so, that can make things much more challenging…

Just a few clarifying questions if you don’t mind sharing…

You said: (he) showed me something medical relating to his man area
Now is this medical condition an STD, or basically something he would have contracted sexually?

You said: He did come clean and even wanted to call and speak with my mom and his mom.
So does that mean that he did cheat? What did he come clean about? And did he talk to the moms? What about? Was that helpful to you or something that you wanted to have happen? Is talking to the moms a regular occurence? It sounds a little odd to involve both of your mothers in the situation, so I’m a little curious about all of that…

You said: He came back with “don’t think that you are my everything”
Should that read, I don’t think that you are my everything, or is it more of statement of him telling you not to think that. Because those are actually two different statements, even though they are similar. The nuance in there can mean two different things…

I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better since your talk and since he’s been going to the doctor, but it sounds like right now you’re just in a band-aid situation, and it doesn’t feel like things are on their way to changing or healing. The thing is, in order for that to happen, or to even move in that direction, both parties need to want that. It’s obvious that you do, but what about him? Does he want to make things better? Does he want to be closer to you? Does he want to work on what’s driving you away from each other and work towards coming back together?

And then a final question…what has your relationship been like for the last 12 years. When did this disconnection start?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

I’m so happy that the messages helped! Do you have any thoughts on what you might do moving forward in your dating life? Any red flags to look out for?

What do you feel like you’ve learned from this experience?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

How are you doing? I wanted to circle back around and see how things are going with your connection, or lack of, to this man who you had met.

I’m glad to hear that my message helped you see things in a clearer light and that much of it made sense to you. Sometimes we just need to hear an outside perspective to encourage us to think of things in a different way.

It does sound like you are a wonderful person, a highly intelligent and capable woman who has a lot to offer. I’m sure that you’ve worked hard to get to where you are and there is nothing wrong with wanting and insisting on being with someone who only will make your world better. That is how it should be. You should never be lowering your life’s standard for someone, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a man who can bring even more to the table than you do. You are a high-quality woman, and you want and deserve a high-quality man.

What we need to look at here is this: in dating, what are the values of a high-quality man?
I’d like for you to think of some, but I’d say that one for certain is a high level of emotional maturity. What comes with that, is impeccable communication skills. This man knows what he wants, and he knows what he has to offer. He is self aware, and takes responsibility for this own actions. A high quality man would never stop responding and then blame the woman for his actions. Those are the actions of a boy, not a man.

When you say that this man “checked all your boxes”, you really have to look at if that was in reality, or in theory only. He said many nice things, but his actions did not live up to his words.He was good at making you feel cared for, but when the time came to actually show care, he was unable. And that’s not your fault.

Of course you miss these things, because you are a human, and it feels good to have these things as a human. You are not wrong for anything that you did in this situation.

What you did do that you can learn from and be more prepared for the next time, is that you created a fantasy around who this man was, based on the things he told you and the way that you felt around him. He presented as a high quality man so you bought into him being one. And that’s ok. He probably thinks of himself as a high quality man so it would be easy to get caught up into the emotion with him. But we know now the truth.

It sounds like my last message gave you clarity. Are you feeling better and ready to move on from this? Or what, if any, lingering feelings are you having about this situation?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. Ah the allure of chemistry and hints of deep connection! It can really make us lose our heads, and let our hearts and bodies want to make promises that our bodies don’t really have all of the information on yet. But of course it feels so good to connect with someone in that way, and it makes so much sense in your situation!

You are recently divorced, which can be a very vulnerable time. Typically a divorce happens when one or both people are unhappy in a relationship and have been unfulfilled. I don’t know the specifics of your situation just yet, but I can assume at least that.

And then, you are 49 and were married for 29 years. Wow! So you were a baby when you got married! Can I be so bold as to assume that you did not do much dating, if any, before your ex-husband and that your experience with other men in and out of the bedroom is pretty nil?

I also don’t know much about the circumstances of your life, current or previous, but I can also say that often times an older man can seem quite enticing. Especially if your ex was someone who didn’t hold things together and that contributed to your relationship’s demise, meeting someone who (at least on the surface) sems to have their ducks in a row can feel like the answer you’ve been looking for.

So all this is to say that it’s not abnormal for you to fall, and to fall hard for someone who is telling you so many things that you want to hear, and likely things that you haven’t heard in a long awhile, or if ever! Because even if your husband did tell you these things 20 years ago, you are at a different place in life now too, and things hit differently as we age. i’m sure that you’re a deeper and more mature person now than you were back then, and so for you to feel the depth of this connection is normal.

BUT…and I’m sorry, but there are quite a few buts here…

You said: I never believed in love at first sight, but I think I felt in love with him, if you can call it love.

You are right to not believe in love at first sight, because that’s not true love. It’s lust, desire, and a fantasy about who the person is and who they will be to you. You don’t know him. You only know a teeny tiny glimpse of who he showed you, and our minds fabricate the rest when we really want something to be true.

And now, by his lack of response, he is showing you more of who he is. There’s something that we always say, and that’s “if he wanted to, he would”. This really goes for humans in general, but specifically for relating romantically to men. If he wanted to, there’s nothing that would hold him back from contacting you and trying to establish a relationship with you. And if he really was this amazing and powerful man, he would fight against any feelings getting in the way. His answer that he “pulls away when he feels pressured”, is an extremely immature way to communicate. You are grown adults, and you deserve better than that. Instead of taking responsibility for his crappy communication skills, he blamed it on you and tried to make you wrong.

I understand that you are having a hard time forgetting about him, but please recognize that it’s not him, its the fantasy of him. Would the him that you want not call you? Would the him that you want not be dying to take you out? To wine and dine you? To explore the “deep chemistry & connection”? Unfortunately that’s not him. That is the fantasy.

So in reality, the only closure you need is the closure within yourself to recognize that this person is not who he said he was on the 2 dates. And to remember that’s not about you or your worth or attractiveness or ability to loved, chosen, and cherished. That’s all about him and his insecurities.

An interesting thing to look at would be this:
How did he make you feel that you are yearning for?
What about him made you feel like you were in love with him?
What is it that you can’t forget about him?

Figuring out these things can help us hone in on what exactly you’re looking for, and make it easier to spot it moving forward.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. Ah the allure of chemistry and hints of deep connection! It can really make us lose our heads, and let our hearts and bodies want to make promises that our bodies don’t really have all of the information on yet. But of course it feels so good to connect with someone in that way, and it makes so much sense in your situation!

You are recently divorced, which can be a very vulnerable time. Typically a divorce happens when one or both people are unhappy in a relationship and have been unfulfilled. I don’t know the specifics of your situation just yet, but I can assume at least that.

And then, you are 49 and were married for 29 years. Wow! So you were a baby when you got married! Can I be so bold as to assume that you did not do much dating, if any, before your ex-husband and that your experience with other men in and out of the bedroom is pretty nil?

I also don’t know much about the circumstances of your life, current or previous, but I can also say that often times an older man can seem quite enticing. Especially if your ex was someone who didn’t hold things together and that contributed to your relationship’s demise, meeting someone who (at least on the surface) sems to have their ducks in a row can feel like the answer you’ve been looking for.

So all this is to say that it’s not abnormal for you to fall, and to fall hard for someone who is telling you so many things that you want to hear, and likely things that you haven’t heard in a long awhile, or if ever! Because even if your husband did tell you these things 20 years ago, you are at a different place in life now too, and things hit differently as we age. i’m sure that you’re a deeper and more mature person now than you were back then, and so for you to feel the depth of this connection is normal.

BUT…and I’m sorry, but there are quite a few buts here…

You said: I never believed in love at first sight, but I think I felt in love with him, if you can call it love.

You are right to not believe in love at first sight, because that’s not true love. It’s lust, desire, and a fantasy about who the person is and who they will be to you. You don’t know him. You only know a teeny tiny glimpse of who he showed you, and our minds fabricate the rest when we really want something to be true.

And now, by his lack of response, he is showing you more of who he is. There’s something that we always say, and that’s “if he wanted to, he would”. This really goes for humans in general, but specifically for relating romantically to men. If he wanted to, there’s nothing that would hold him back from contacting you and trying to establish a relationship with you. And if he really was this amazing and powerful man, he would fight against any feelings getting in the way. His answer that he “pulls away when he feels pressured”, is an extremely immature way to communicate. You are grown adults, and you deserve better than that. Instead of taking responsibility for his crappy communication skills, he blamed it on you and tried to make you wrong.

I understand that you are having a hard time forgetting about him, but please recognize that it’s not him, its the fantasy of him. Would the him that you want not call you? Would the him that you want not be dying to take you out? To wine and dine you? To explore the “deep chemistry & connection”? Unfortunately that’s not him. That is the fantasy.

So in reality, the only closure you need is the closure within yourself to recognize that this person is not who he said he was on the 2 dates. And to remember that’s not about you or your worth or attractiveness or ability to loved, chosen, and cherished. That’s all about him and his insecurities.

An interesting thing to look at would be this:
How did he make you feel that you are yearning for?
What about him made you feel like you were in love with him?
What is it that you can’t forget about him?

Figuring out these things can help us hone in on what exactly you’re looking for, and make it easier to spot it moving forward.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. Ah the allure of chemistry and hints of deep connection! It can really make us lose our heads, and let our hearts and bodies want to make promises that our bodies don’t really have all of the information on yet. But of course it feels so good to connect with someone in that way, and it makes so much sense in your situation!

You are recently divorced, which can be a very vulnerable time. Typically a divorce happens when one or both people are unhappy in a relationship and have been unfulfilled. I don’t know the specifics of your situation just yet, but I can assume at least that.

And then, you are 49 and were married for 29 years. Wow! So you were a baby when you got married! Can I be so bold as to assume that you did not do much dating, if any, before your ex-husband and that your experience with other men in and out of the bedroom is pretty nil?

I also don’t know much about the circumstances of your life, current or previous, but I can also say that often times an older man can seem quite enticing. Especially if your ex was someone who didn’t hold things together and that contributed to your relationship’s demise, meeting someone who (at least on the surface) sems to have their ducks in a row can feel like the answer you’ve been looking for.

So all this is to say that it’s not abnormal for you to fall, and to fall hard for someone who is telling you so many things that you want to hear, and likely things that you haven’t heard in a long awhile, or if ever! Because even if your husband did tell you these things 20 years ago, you are at a different place in life now too, and things hit differently as we age. i’m sure that you’re a deeper and more mature person now than you were back then, and so for you to feel the depth of this connection is normal.

BUT…and I’m sorry, but there are quite a few buts here…

You said: I never believed in love at first sight, but I think I felt in love with him, if you can call it love.

You are right to not believe in love at first sight, because that’s not true love. It’s lust, desire, and a fantasy about who the person is and who they will be to you. You don’t know him. You only know a teeny tiny glimpse of who he showed you, and our minds fabricate the rest when we really want something to be true.

And now, by his lack of response, he is showing you more of who he is. There’s something that we always say, and that’s “if he wanted to, he would”. This really goes for humans in general, but specifically for relating romantically to men. If he wanted to, there’s nothing that would hold him back from contacting you and trying to establish a relationship with you. And if he really was this amazing and powerful man, he would fight against any feelings getting in the way. His answer that he “pulls away when he feels pressured”, is an extremely immature way to communicate. You are grown adults, and you deserve better than that. Instead of taking responsibility for his crappy communication skills, he blamed it on you and tried to make you wrong.

I understand that you are having a hard time forgetting about him, but please recognize that it’s not him, its the fantasy of him. Would the him that you want not call you? Would the him that you want not be dying to take you out? To wine and dine you? To explore the “deep chemistry & connection”? Unfortunately that’s not him. That is the fantasy.

So in reality, the only closure you need is the closure within yourself to recognize that this person is not who he said he was on the 2 dates. And to remember that’s not about you or your worth or attractiveness or ability to loved, chosen, and cherished. That’s all about him and his insecurities.

An interesting thing to look at would be this:
How did he make you feel that you are yearning for?
What about him made you feel like you were in love with him?
What is it that you can’t forget about him?

Figuring out these things can help us hone in on what exactly you’re looking for, and make it easier to spot it moving forward.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ann,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story. Ah the allure of chemistry and hints of deep connection! It can really make us lose our heads, and let our hearts and bodies want to make promises that our bodies don’t really have all of the information on yet. But of course it feels so good to connect with someone in that way, and it makes so much sense in your situation!

You are recently divorced, which can be a very vulnerable time. Typically a divorce happens when one or both people are unhappy in a relationship and have been unfulfilled. I don’t know the specifics of your situation just yet, but I can assume at least that.

And then, you are 49 and were married for 29 years. Wow! So you were a baby when you got married! Can I be so bold as to assume that you did not do much dating, if any, before your ex-husband and that your experience with other men in and out of the bedroom is pretty nil?

I also don’t know much about the circumstances of your life, current or previous, but I can also say that often times an older man can seem quite enticing. Especially if your ex was someone who didn’t hold things together and that contributed to your relationship’s demise, meeting someone who (at least on the surface) sems to have their ducks in a row can feel like the answer you’ve been looking for.

So all this is to say that it’s not abnormal for you to fall, and to fall hard for someone who is telling you so many things that you want to hear, and likely things that you haven’t heard in a long awhile, or if ever! Because even if your husband did tell you these things 20 years ago, you are at a different place in life now too, and things hit differently as we age. i’m sure that you’re a deeper and more mature person now than you were back then, and so for you to feel the depth of this connection is normal.

BUT…and I’m sorry, but there are quite a few buts here…

You said: I never believed in love at first sight, but I think I felt in love with him, if you can call it love.

You are right to not believe in love at first sight, because that’s not true love. It’s lust, desire, and a fantasy about who the person is and who they will be to you. You don’t know him. You only know a teeny tiny glimpse of who he showed you, and our minds fabricate the rest when we really want something to be true.

And now, by his lack of response, he is showing you more of who he is. There’s something that we always say, and that’s “if he wanted to, he would”. This really goes for humans in general, but specifically for relating romantically to men. If he wanted to, there’s nothing that would hold him back from contacting you and trying to establish a relationship with you. And if he really was this amazing and powerful man, he would fight against any feelings getting in the way. His answer that he “pulls away when he feels pressured”, is an extremely immature way to communicate. You are grown adults, and you deserve better than that. Instead of taking responsibility for his crappy communication skills, he blamed it on you and tried to make you wrong.

I understand that you are having a hard time forgetting about him, but please recognize that it’s not him, its the fantasy of him. Would the him that you want not call you? Would the him that you want not be dying to take you out? To wine and dine you? To explore the “deep chemistry & connection”? Unfortunately that’s not him. That is the fantasy.

So in reality, the only closure you need is the closure within yourself to recognize that this person is not who he said he was on the 2 dates. And to remember that’s not about you or your worth or attractiveness or ability to loved, chosen, and cherished. That’s all about him and his insecurities.

An interesting thing to look at would be this:
How did he make you feel that you are yearning for?
What about him made you feel like you were in love with him?
What is it that you can’t forget about him?

Figuring out these things can help us hone in on what exactly you’re looking for, and make it easier to spot it moving forward.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

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