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Hi Ma D.
Wow….it sounds like there is a lot going on. I want to be able to help you. Can you offer more details?
Has he specifically said how long he has felt this way? Can he pinpoint the reason for him feeling this way to any specific things? How is the rest of his life? Is his work going well? Did he have any recent, major losses?
How do you feel about him? I am wondering….many times we fight for someone because we love them and don’t want to lose them but reality is….it’s not the healthiest relationship, but because we are used to it AND we don’t want to go through the pain of breakup, we end up fighting like crazy. Do you feel very clear about fighting for him? Or do you maybe have a little something inside of you that may feel like it may be a good idea to move on?
You keep saying that you guys can figure this out….how? Do you have a plan or anything tangible that will help you guys work through this sticking point?? If you don’t have a plan of how to go about fixing things, I would recommend coming up with one quickly. Let him see that you want to take action on it vs. just talking about it. It may give him hope enough to try DOING something.
What was the end result of your conversation 4 months ago? You BOTH felt the gap or just him?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
Great to hear from you again! What narcissists do rarely make sense except to them. His point in parading her around you was probably more about him proving to you how happy he was and that SHE was the source of that….and not you. Reality is, it doesn’t really matter, as the spirit of it is pretty toxic. Good job at wishing them well and leaving it at that. I’m sure you have already learned that the more you play into him and have reactions to what he does, the more it fuels the fire for him.
I’m glad you have met a potential friend online. Nurturing a “friendship” online is a bit more challenging. I would suggest to ask a lot of questions that are really fun in nature. It will help you get to know him in a deeper way without him feeling uncomfortable about it. For example, I love the questions, “If you could design your PERFECT morning, how would go?” I usually go on telling people that they can be anywhere they want, they can have someone with them or not, they have full power to create whatever they want. This question is actually VERY revealing about a person. Here are some things it will tell you about him:
1. whether he is a morning person or not
2. whether he chooses to have someone he gets to wake up with, or not
3. what is his favorite environment (desert, mountains, water, city etc)
4. what his favorite breakfast foods are
5. Does he make breakfast himself or have someone make it for him?
6. does he explain his perfect morning to you with a lot of detail and imagination (a healthier mind and spirit is able to be very imaginative and creative as well as enjoy it) or does he just give short answers and tell a very boring version?I’ve asked that particular question for the past 15 years and it’s fascinating how many different answers I get and how accurate those answers are about telling more about the person. For example, one guy said, “oh…that’s easy….i’d wake up and go surfing” That was it! and that really was the extent of his life at the time. Not my cup of tea. I’ve also had guys say “Wow….you writing a book or something? Why are you asking such a hard question” That obviously told me that their imagination, creativity and depth was definitely NOT at the level that would go well with me. We were not like-minded at all! Then I’ve gotten those creative and fun answers that show someone who is more in alignment with how I work. So when building a friendship online, a question of that nature can really help you learn the deeper parts of someone without them putting walls up or feeling threatened. It stays light, fun and easy.
As far as figuring out how to avoid from seeming opinionated, that is a great practice! It’s usually about how you start and end the message. If you start by just blurting out your opinion and leaving it at that, it can be read very differently than what you mean. A good way to start out would be saying something like, “You know, I’ve thought about this a lot and found that this is how I feel. But at the same time, I also know that I do have a limited point of view.” Or “I do have strong opinions about this. Hopefully it doesn’t seems like I am coming across as too opinionated or overbearing. I would love to hear your very honest thoughts or challenges to what I said. I am always open to someone playing the devil’s advocate with me! It helps me deepen my resolve or realize I had some holes in my opinion. It’s good for me.”
Does this make sense? Besides, anytime you are worried about being misinterpreted, just say so. If you make a comment about feeling like you may have come across as overbearing. You don’t mean to be, you just want to make sure you are not coming across that way as that is not how you feel…..it just softens all of it. The key is, state your opinion, but always invite and encourage an opinion in return and practice softening your delivery a bit.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Brittany!
I am a little confused. Is he moved out officially? Are you both still talking to each other? You said that you both decided to work on things again, for the 4th time, but then it sounds like you are broken up again.
So what is the current situation?
I’m sooo glad you finally found someone you feel more safe with. That is a good start. Remember it takes 2 to tango. He is part of the what is happening between the 2 of you as well. I’m glad you are taking responsibility for your own choices, as that is the first place to begin. I would also recommend you reviewing “His Secret Obsession” There are some wonderful guidelines in there to help women understand how a man functions and what works for him. That’s a good place to start.
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
You are frustrated and I get that. My apologies for saying that you were clingy. I did not have enough evidence to say something like, so please for forgive me.
You are operating under the assumption that many people get caught up in….and that is….that when someone says or does something over and over again, then it must be true. Reality is….it is true only for that moment. The divorce rate being over 50% these days is the perfect example. People do not sit before witnesses and vow “til death do us part” thinking that it will change in the future. They really mean it, feel it and are committed to it IN THAT MOMENT. Reality is, love is not a guarantee. Love and relationships are ALWAYS a risk, even 30 years down the road. What IS a guarantee though….is that life and people are always changing in one way or another. And this is what can be sooooo difficult sometimes because those changes are not what we want and it hurts. I’m sure when he started out getting to know you and wanting to meet you, he was all in and could not predict that he would pull away after 7 months…but something happened to change his attentions. I highly doubt it has anything to do with you….it probably has to do with something else in his life. You may never know, so you can either drive yourself crazy trying to play the guessing game as to what happened (and never get an answer) or you can be direct and get an answer and create closure for yourself….or you can just let the idea of him go, figure out how to be okay not knowing what happened and move on with your life. Again, that is your choice what you feel like dealing with.
How would he know that he could invite you to see him, if he doesn’t even know that you are coming to town?
I truly am so sorry you are going through this. I have been on so many dates and experienced an incredible amount of various situations….and know exactly what you feel like. Guys have completely ghosted in a second and left me hanging, wondering what the heck just happened. All I was left with, was feeling rejected, confused and frustrated because I could not get answers. The gift in all of those very challenging experiences, is that it forced me to find myself again. I could either give them the power to ruin my mood, my day, my self worth OR I could choose healing and let it go and learn how to be okay “not knowing” what happened. It’s hard. Many gifts can be found that way though. Today, having practiced that enough, I am sooooo much more strong and solid. Looking back at those experiences, I can appreciate them now because it contributed A LOT to my inner strength….I am grateful for that.
Keep writing in and expressing your frustrations and questions. I know what I said today may not be what you want to hear nor make you feel better. I hope that at the very least, it helps you connect to a deeper truth that life is always changing and people are always changing and even if you don’t understand the “why” behind what happens, you can still find inner peace if you want.
Heidi
Hi Susan
That is a great question! It’s VERY difficult for a woman to understand how to disconnect from loving someone. Truth be told, men love in a very different way than women….and if he is the type to stay stuck and stubborn in his choices, then he will more likely disregard that he loves you and decide that his reason for staying away is more important. It does not mean that he has stopped loving you. It just means there is something more important to him than loving you and staying connected.
Of course you are heartbroken! It’s horrible, especially when it doesn’t have to be that way! Unfortunately, nothing really changed a man like that. If he is stubborn, then let him be stubborn and work on healing your heart. Give him some distance and let him handle this the way he needs to. Did you text him anything of what I recommended or have you continued to just stay away?
Heidi
Hi Deb,
I first want to validate your suspicion. ANY SMART woman who is aware would have some of the same thoughts you are having. Your last husband has just helped you become more hyperaware. Yes, there is baggage mixed in there too, but even I would have some suspicions. One of the best ways to catch someone lying is watching and paying attention to their patterns. When a pattern changes, then something has happened and deserves some investigation. All this is, is a suspicion. It is not true or untrue. What is important is that you don’t go crazy making up stories in your head about what is happening. You don’t know anything yet to confirm or deny your suspicion. So maybe you can ask him directly, “You know….I loved that you were fantasizing about me. However, you have NEVER said anything like that to me before. What happened yesterday that you all of a sudden said that?” Then maybe tell him that you liked it and would like to hear more things like that from him. And just watch how he reacts. Keep paying attention to pattern changes. And bottom line, you can always do some investigation to find out the bottom line truth. You can hire someone, you can have a friend follow him, you can put a gps tracker in his car. Sometimes, it is better to get a solid answer, sooner than later, just to put your mind at ease….one way or the other. Or you can wait it out and keep watching for signs of something amiss. Eventually, IF he is seeing someone else, it will eventually show up.
I’m glad he responded super well to you cutting back on the financial end of things. That is a great sign that he could be interested in more than your money.
How do you know he was texting you from a café? Has he ever had an anxiety attack before? Did he tell you what it was about or what triggered it?
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
Man I feel your struggle. I want to encourage you to NOT make up stories about what he is doing. Reality is, you just don’t know. Our minds naturally want to create stories about a person’s behaviors, but that is a VERY dangerous game to play. You are having BIG emotional reactions to a STORY you are making up in your head. You are spending so much energy and “going crazy” not knowing.
Since you want to wait until December, then your practice will be more about letting go and letting him take the driver’s seat. Do everything you can to stop making up stories and guessing how he is feeling. Align with your decision to wait until December. That means, be at peace with your choice and stop guessing about ALL of it. Let it be what it is. Anytime you start to go a little crazy, find a way to ground yourself again and get back to YOUR center. You have given him so much power that it is influencing how you feel every single day. So your goal here…is to take back that power and get centered. You do not know that you will be okay if he disconnects completely. You do not know that you are worth fighting for and worth loving if he doesn’t choose you. You are putting your self esteem in his hands as if HE is the one that defines your value. It’s actually a very common thing amongst the ladies, so I just want to shed light on it. Use this very powerful time of waiting, to find yourself again. Find your value, your worth and love yourself more and more. Know that you are worth choosing and fighting for, whether he chooses you or not. When you can get THAT place, there will be soooooo much less hurt, anxiety and fear around him and your home visit. I guarantee you, if you can find that place inside yourself, he will notice and may even be more attracted to you. He may feel you clinging to him and that is a big turn off for many men.
Do you ever meditate? Do you have a religion or spiritual practice? Are there any self help books you are attracted to? Or maybe a person you like to follow that is encouraging and helps you connect back into the truth of who you are?
You can let him know that you are coming home. Just text him a week before you visit. You can say, “Hey….I’m coming home on __________ and leaving _____________.” It would be nice to see you if you have the time. If not, no worries. I know things have changed between us the past month or so and that’s okay. Regardless, you still are someone I have enjoyed getting to know, so even grabbing a cup of coffee or a drink would be great!”
Saying something to this affect will help him relax a bit. My thought is, if you acknowledge something has changed AND show that you are okay about it, it will help him be more willing to meet. Otherwise, he may want to hide from you so he doesn’t get yelled at or see your hurt feelings. But if you make it cozy, easy and light, he will probably be more willing to say yes. THEN, when you meet up, you can have whatever conversation is needed to make sure you get onto the same page again.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Cindy!
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can feel your hurt and your desire to want him back.
There might be a way to get him back, but even if you did get him back, the more serious and underlying issue is why he ended it in the first place. Has he been clear as to why he broke it off with you? you say it was up and down a lot. Does that mean you guys argued a lot? Do you know why his friends would advise him against being with you?
It is not an unusual reaction to make you the “bad guy” so to speak. Most of the time, that is just a defense mechanism. If he can stay angry at you and keep everyone around him angry at you as well, it helps him to stay disconnected instead of trying to go back to you (not that he is aware that he is doing that though)
What have you tried to do to get him back so far? And what does he respond like to your attempts?
Heidi
Hi Anita.
Thank you for writing in and taking a chance here. I am glad you are reaching out! You are in a really tough situation. I am so sorry you are in a miserable marriage. I am wondering….what is stopping you from disconnecting? Or maybe I should ask, what is keeping you in a miserable marriage? I know you have 3 children and maybe it is easier for you to be miserable in the marriage but stay and have a house and maybe help from your husband. I don’t know.
There are a 3 main things I would like to invite you to think about.
1. I’m going to guess that you have never really done the online dating thing. There is this VERY COMMON phenomenon that happens to most everyone. It’s fascinating to me. They meet someone online and there is this INCREDIBLE chemistry that can begin. They message each other all the time, they talk on the phone and everything is wonderful. THEN, they meet for the first time and within an INSTANT the chemistry is just not there. It was easy and wonderful over technology, but person to person, it just doesn’t work. This has happened to me a handful of times as well. It’s because our imagination is SO much stronger and more creative than reality. When we meet someone over technology, it is our imagination that creates this person to be who they are, because that’s all we have. Then when we meet in person, reality goes up against whatever our imagination created and many times, reality is not near as wonderful. I’m telling you this because my first piece of guidance I want to offer is for you to slow way down. You hardly know this person. Yes, the connection is strong, but that connection has no substance to it until you meet him and feel him and see him and be around him. He could VERY EASILY be making up his profiles, pictures and who he is for some reason to serve his purposes. Maybe he isn’t, but reality is, you don’t really know and you are ready to leave your husband for him and hand over your heart to him. MAJOR DANGER you are stepping into!
And just a thought….I ALWAYS am suspicious of an attractive man online looking to connect. Attractive men get a TON of attention just in their day to day life. Anywhere you look, an attractive man will have followers and usually his pick of the litter. If he is online reaching out to a woman across the world, I think 1 of 2 things. Either that picture is not what he really looks like or there is something off about his personality that he has to look online for a woman across the world who could never see him or really know him. I am suspicious of this guy. I could be totally wrong, but I could also be accurate. All I am suggesting is to keep this in mind. There is a pretty big problem of this happening online. I have read and heard a TON of stories of people being fooled through online venues.
2. He does not want to live in the U.S. So you want to build a relationship with a guy that lives on the other side of the world and whose mother will not accept you and your children? How do you expect to build an honest and authentic relationship with this guy? Do you want to move there or maybe hoping he will change his mind?
3. You say that you can’t disconnect from him. I get it and completely understand. You are in a marriage where you are very unhappy and then this attractive man shows up and gives you attention and makes you feel how you want to feel. OF COURSE you cannot disconnect!! It’s like you are in the desert and haven’t had water for days. You are sooooooo thirsty and then finally come across this small spring. You are so thirsty that you have to have a drink or you will die. Problem is, you are so thirsty that you don’t even look to make sure that spring is drinkable. The water may be polluted and carry toxins that could actually make you very sick or even kill you. Because you are so thirsty, you can’t even think about something like that. All you know is that you need something wet in your mouth, regardless of the consequences. The problem is, you are so out of balance and unhappy that getting attention is very powerful for you….and the amount of power it has over you is making you ignore the guilty feelings you have, making you ready to leave your husband for a guy you have never met and you are willing to put your children through all of that.
This is why I want to guide you to slow down quite a bit. You are unhappy and need to make some changes in your life. If you want to help yourself disconnect more from him and get back to being more balanced instead of being consumed by this guy, then you have got to start making it a priority to meet your own needs. You are wanting this guy, who is across the world, to meet your needs because you won’t do it for yourself. It’s definitely much more fun and easy that way, but there are some pretty big consequences you will be facing if you continue to give this guy that much power.
He disappears quite a bit and you have no idea what is going on. He claims he is bad at communicating, but reality is, that is ALL you guys have so that doesn’t work very well for building a relationship. If there are other women, there is not way he would be honest about that because he would hurt you and lose you AND he is pretty safe to lie because there is no way for you to find out. Truth be told, he hasn’t changed. He is going to continue to disappear. He has heard you and validated you, but nothing has changed. Your feelings don’t matter enough to him to care to make changes that are agreeable for both of you.
Being that the connection is so strong for you and you feel like you can’t disconnect, the best thing you can do is to start to add more fun in your life. What are some things that you can do to make you laugh and have some fun? I understand that having triplets probably makes the thought of that impossible. But you are in a DANGER ZONE right now and you have got to start fighting for yourself or you will end up making some very risky decisions that could make your life a gazillion times worse. It’s time for you to start paying attention to yourself and your needs. I would also highly recommend getting some help. Is there a coach or therapist that can work with? It will help to have someone on a weekly basis to validate you, offer clear perspectives and help you through what is going on inside of you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry you have been unhappy for that long. It wears down the soul. Self esteem starts to go down the tubes, depression or anxiety gets worse and you end up spending morning to night in survival mode….AND you have triplets! Holy smokes you have soooooo much to deal with. I wish there were some magic words that I could say to make you feel better and help you through this. What I wrote may not be what you wanted to hear, but something I feel I needed to warn you about. There is no judgment here of your choices. Believe me, I totally get it and don’t blame you at all. I just want to help you be aware of what you are walking into.
How does all of what I said make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
I’m sorry for the confusing advice. I know Kanya and I presented different ideas. I agree with what she advised as that approach has worked many times. The reason why I offered a different approach is because you seemed to really have a high need to have some closure. Being patient and playing hard to get seemed really uncomfortable for you. Reality is, you are holding onto how he “used to be” and not being present with what is happening RIGHT NOW. One way to get a reality check is just to be direct about it. I know he may say what you don’t want to hear, but wouldn’t you rather know where he is at vs. playing hard to get and dealing with rejection every single day? It just seems you might be at more peace if you deal with this directly.
I will confirm that he is not interested anymore. Whether it’s another woman or he just lost the fire because there is too much distance….it doesn’t matter. All you know is that he is no longer responding and he has pulled away. The HARDEST part about all of this, is there is distance, so it really limits you in being able to pull him back. BUT, if you talk to him directly and find out what happened, it may be something fixable. It may not be something fixable….I don’t know. I just know that talking about this openly will create some closure for both of you instead of sitting and waiting for him all the time. OR….you can wait until December to see if he invites you to see him. Are you comfortable waiting for that long?
The choice is really yours and what you feel comfortable with doing. Reality is, all of this is a guessing game anyways, because there is NEVER any guarantee of how the other person will respond to your choices. You can continue to stay away OR you can face this head on and be direct. Either approach could work or could not work. YOU have to decide what you want. If you stay disconnected but then constantly feel rejected every day because he is not contacting you, then maybe being direct will help you get some much needed closure. If you can disconnect and move on with your life and not be bothered too much by him not responding, then great!!! This is more about YOU and not about him. This is about you creating the design you want in an experience. If someone is not in alignment with what you need, then you have a choice to make to either give up those needs or fight for them. You are the one in control here, not him.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
This is a bit tough to know which direction is good for you. There are many variables involved here that could influence the outcome. I’m going to be the devil’s advocate for a second and why your plan may not work:
1. You are long distance, therefore disconnecting and not responding to him can be ineffective and just cause him to get used to not hearing from you. You both already lead very separate lives, so the ONLY contact you guys have is through texting. Stopping that can make it very easy for him to disconnect as well because he doesn’t feel this GIANT thing missing from his day. If you lived in the same area, he would notice everything is different about his day because you guys combined your lives.
2. You are not being completely honest with him. You are sending mixed signals of being completely distant for awhile and then wanting to send him a sexy picture. One of the biggest complaints I get from men is that they are always confused. The women are saying 1 thing and then doing another and the guy can’t keep up. The woman is wanting to pull something from him to get her needs met, but she is doing it in ways that are not direct, which is how men tend to respond to best. Most men LOVE and respond to being told EXACLTY what needs to happen. They are much less apt at reading signs and figuring things out that way compared to women.
3. You love him, but you won’t be honest with him. How is he ever supposed to really know you unless you are vulnerable with him and trust him with your feelings. That is how the foundation of relationships are built well….honest communication and an ability to work through those challenges. You are not giving him the chance to work through anything WITH you.
I remember you writing in before but can’t remember all the details, so I can’t remember if you have said anything to him before. If you did, what did he say about it?
I will tell you that dropping hints at what you need from him may not be enough. Sometimes, it takes a big gesture for the guy to really get what you are saying. This game you are playing with him is controlling. You are the one in control and he is floundering, not having a clue as to what you really want. So what is stopping you from being very direct and finding out what you BOTH are made of TOGETHER and talk about how you are feeling and work through it?
If this were a brand new relationship, I absolutely understand the “playing hard to get” kind of thing. It is because you love him and that means the relationship is on a deeper level, that I am suggesting to take a different approach and allow yourself to be heard, be seen and be felt by him. Give him that chance to take care of you better. Give him that chance to validate you. Give him that chance to grow. Give your relationship the chance to work through something difficult which can bring you closer together.
You can always just say something like, “I love you. I want us to be honest, authentic and build a strong foundation. I want to share how I am feeling with you and work through it together. It will be good practice for us! There was a time in the beginning where I felt like we were on the same page. We spent some amazing time together and it felt like you were really interested in continuing to be with me. Then something changed in that pattern and I started to feel like our dates were shorter and that something else was tugging at your time. That has caused me to put some walls up. It hurts. I want to move forward with you and keep growing with you, but I feel like we are on different pages than before. So how about we have a very honest talk about what you need, what I need and let’s figure out how to get back on the same page. You are worth fighting for to me. I feel amazing with you and I have so much fun and to be honest, I miss you.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Debi!
Thank you for writing in and taking a chance here!
You have some good questions and a sticky situation. I first want to encourage you about your fear of him lying to you. There is one side of you that will be fearful more easily than others, because your last husband lied to you so much. AND….at the same time, you are VERY familiar with what lying can look and feel like. Something in you is uncomfortable and regardless, it’s important for you to pay attention to that. That uncomfortableness may be fear or it may be accurate….and reality is, you cannot tell the difference because it all feels exactly the same. So what do you do? I encourage people to gather more information. Ask questions, do some under cover research, talk directly about it. There are many approaches and you need to decide what works best for you until you feel resolved. If you are getting more information showing you that he is NOT lying yet you continue to pursue looking for more information and you still feel uncomfortable, then you know you are dealing more with your fear.
And when you asked him if he is using you and to just tell you, no man in his right mind would be honest about that! He would not want to bear the hurt that would cause you and if he IS using you, admitting to it would mean he would not get to use you anymore, because I imagine you would cut things off. So a better way to handle something like that is instead of asking if he is using you, talk about how you are feeling used and talk about how it would be nice if you guys could create a different design. If you don’t want to feel used (I imagine you feel used for your money) then set some boundaries. Stop giving him money and paying for everything and see how you both endure something like that together. Does he stay or does he go? When people feel used, it really is not about the other person, it is about themselves. They are not setting boundaries and they are feeling “walked all over” so to speak. So the power is really in your hands about asking for what you need. He is going to treat you how he does until you tell him otherwise. Would you be interested in setting some boundaries and asking for something different so you don’t feel used anymore? You can say something like, “I care about you and I have so much fun with you and it is because of that, that I want to work through something with you. I am feeling used and I know you say that you are not using me. This is really about me and just simply needing to create something a little different for myself. I am not setting boundaries for myself and it is causing me to lose myself. So I would like to set some boundaries now and see how it goes. We can try this for 3 months and then let’s check back in and talk about it. I’ve decided that I am no longer going to pay for vacations, loan you money or pay for our outings anymore. I am however, absolutely willing to pay for my part, as I know you have little money right now. I know this may mean that we won’t go out as much, but you know what??? We can get creative! We can find ways of enjoying each other’s company without needing to spend money. We can play card games, we can cook dinners together, we can go volunteer somewhere together…I don’t know. All I know is that this is important for me and my growth as a person and our growth as a couple. What do you think?”
Does this make sense? You have full capability to take back your power and be part of the design of this relationship.
What are your thoughts about this?
I want to address your concern of him cheating on you real quick. Again, before you start making up a story as to why he is not around as much, see if you can gather information in a more indirect way. Do you have any ideas about how you can do that?
Heidi
Hi Danna,
Interesting. His father was selfish (narcissistic type of behavior) which usually attracts a more dependent type of partner. That could mean that his mother spent most of her time meeting everyone else’s needs except her own. Whatever the details of his parents, they were the role models. It sounds like he may have picked up some of those qualities of being selfish role modeled by his father maybe. He may have a great relationship with his mom, but it doesn’t mean it is a healthy one. If she spends her time obligingly serving him and he gets his needs met, everyone would be happy in the roles they agreed to, but not necessarily in a healthy way. Who knows….
I want you to consider for a moment that everything he accused you of, has some truth in it….for him. Here is an example. Let’s just say that his mother gave him everything he wanted and didn’t ask for much in return from him. Then here you are asking for things from him. For you, coming from an over-controlling background, you have toned it down quite a bit and don’t think you are controlling at all, but for him, coming from an under-controlling background, it feels like a lot for him. Everyone’s perspective about a situation usually has a grain of truth in it.
You are defensive about what he says and his experiences about you….at least in these messages. I want to invite you to see how maybe HIS experience does have some truth in it….FOR HIM. It does not mean that it is true, it just means it is HIS truth. When someone criticizes me, I really try to look at how it could be true what they are saying. Then I try to filter, the best I can between it being THEIR truth or a truth in general. I look at past experiences and see if I have heard that same type of criticism before, what exactly did I do to make them feel that way and finally….do I need to pay attention to it or decide to not give it much authority in my life?
It’s not a bad idea that you offered about getting his testosterone checked. Something is very different and hormones or some type of chemistry could totally be off. It’s too bad that he is not willing to fight for himself. It also makes me so sad that the therapist made you feel ganged up on. Sadly, I have heard that over and over from couples over the years. Their experiences are that a therapist had a tendency to take sides and nothing really got resolved and sometimes the couple was worse off.
Bottom line is, he has changed. He is who he is today and sadly, he is mean spirited and not interested at all in working on himself. I am so sorry! It’s such a powerless feeling.
I am glad to hear that you are working on yourself and moving forward instead of trying to rescue him in some way. From what it sounds like, your efforts would just be met with more resistance and verbal abuse and that would break you down even further.
Do you have anyone who is able to help you through this and process all of your hurt feelings??
Heidi
Hi Danna,
I am so sorry about what you are dealing with. It’s awful. It’s so sad. He really is missing out on growing and learning with you. It seems that he would rather be in pain than to work through it and that is always a sad choice when someone takes that path.
I first want to help you understand “why” he is making a choice like this. I obviously don’t know the details of who he is, so I will speak in general terms. My first instinct is that he feels very resentful from what you are describing AND he is very connected to you as well. He is split. One side of him loves you, connects with you, is your best friend and the other side of him is resentful, angry and hurt. I imagine that those pretty intense, darker emotions started waaaaaay before he met you. Whatever he is hurting about, it’s lived there a loooong time and finally reached it’s tipping point.
As young people, we are so much more resilient. We are able to survive very challenging events in life. However, if someone never works through those intense events, the emotions and feelings about those events stay stored in the mind and body. Then over time, those emotions become bigger and bigger because usually other things will happen in life that feel similar. For example, let’s say he was always picked last for the sports teams at recess as a kid. He would store that hurt and feel rejected and then anytime something else happened where he felt rejected (he got stood up on a date), it would just make the original wound of rejection to grow even bigger. Eventually, it is not uncommon for someone to have a “break” so to speak. They can only carry that baggage that gets heavier and heavier for so long, before they just can’t take it anymore. That is why, many times, you see older people (usually over 50 – brain chemistry changes for men around that age especially – it’s around 30 for women) where diseases show up, life transitions happen and people are more bitter, angry and unhappy. Their emotional system does not have the resilience that was there as a younger person, so all that baggage begins to creep into their life and rear it’s ugly head. That is why is it CRUCIAL to always process anything that causes pain. You don’t want anything to build up. It will ruin your life someday, as it has your husband’s.
So basically, one side of him (the adult) was much stronger for awhile, taking the driver’s seat and being a husband to you. Now, the other side to him, the childish side throwing a tantrum, is taking a turn at the driver’s seat. And it is soooooo strong. How long he chooses to let that side of him stay in control? Who knows….everyone is different. Reality is, he needs some help. If he is ever to get control of this side of him, he needs to face whatever started this in first place and work on forgiving. It was his child who sat on the couch while you worked like crazy. And it is his child who is resentful of you. When you participated in that design, you were playing the role of his mother, so I imagine a lot of his anger might be coming from his experiences with his mom. It is his child who is saying all those mean and hurtful things to you. He is hurting so badly (although he probably only feels anger at this point) and you are the closest, easiest and probably most satisfying target for all his hurt.
Reality is, there is nothing you can do except to protect yourself from further hurt at this point. He flipped the switch, so it is crucial for you to stay out of the way. You do not need to be taken down with him. He has YEARS built up inside of him and he has lost control. His anger, hurt and resentment are in the driver’s seat right now. He is the one who needs to figure this out. If you try to help him through this, there will be many battle wounds you will incur along the way AND you will be playing the mommy role again for him. He needs to rescue himself now.
Love yourself enough to not allow him to use you as a target anymore. Love him enough (unconditionally like you said) to let him be who he needs to be right now and forgive him and let him go. He needs to take this path he has chosen. And maybe this path will take him into enough discomfort that he will finally get some help.
Even though you have been together for 27 years and caused him hurt many times, because that is what we do as humans, you are not responsible for his hurt. An adult would talk with you through things (which it sound likes he used to)….a child will throw a tantrum, blame and lash out. An adult is able to reason and take responsibility….a child is pure emotion and does not react from logic, care and concern. So for now, he is pure child….and he gets to do that. There obviously are HUGE consequences to this, so it’s best to let him experience that and move on with your life.
I think I will just leave it at that for now. Have you ever thought about it this way? If you worked with a therapist (good job) then I imagine this may not be new information for you.
I am so sorry. It’s just so sad. It’s heartbreaking. You know the other side to him that is wonderful and connective and that’s what can make this soooo difficult. You have to let that side of him go. I’m just so sorry!
We would love to hear your thoughts on this!
heidi
