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Hi Ki,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I can understand the battle you are dealing with. I want to offer a different approach and maybe it would give you a direction that makes you feel more comfortable. 2 main things I want to point out:1. If I were your therapist, I would not spend any time on trying to convince you to leave or stay. What I would want to focus on is the fact that you are betraying yourself. You are monogamous. You want a deep, committed and healthy relationship that can go the distance, yet you are choosing to participate in something that is not supporting you and the way you function…..you instead of choosing to have a relationship with rejection and jealousy and you are miserable. As your therapist, I would want to understand the root cause and belief system that makes this okay for you. You have been very uncomfortable and jealous for 5 years and you are willing to live that way for the rest of your life. So this situation is not really about him at all. This is about you. You are giving your power away. So what is causing this? Usually, there are some underlying wounds, deep inside, that influence decisions like this. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor parenting…..who knows, but something is driving you to stay in this. I know you want to believe it is all about love. You love him THAT much that you are willing to fight for him and change. Of course you love him and have a lot of history with him AND there is a point where love is not enough. Beyond love, there needs to be respect, generosity, care, compromise, trust and support by BOTH people. So as a therapist, I would also want to look at where you got your definition of love from? I would want to look at where you first learned about love and my PRIMARY focus through all of that….my PRIMARY goal would be to help learn to love YOURSELF better.
2. The 2nd aspect I would want you to do is to continue finding ways to bring joy into your life and build your self esteem. What kinds of things are you doing away from him to have fun? Do you do anything creative? Do you hike? Do you have an animal to love? I would want you to fill your life with activities that are fulfilling and nourishing. You are going through so much right now and it’s important for you to flood yourself with pleasure and joy. Find activities that make you laugh a lot. I have a set of short youtube videos that crack me up. They are 5 to 10 minutes long and when I find myself low on energy or when I am hurting, I will sometimes watch those videos 10x a day to make sure I keep filling my system with the good stuff.I really would invite you to stop trying to figure this out. All the research, information and advice you gather will not change the fact that you are uncomfortable with this. So let yourself be uncomfortable and find a therapist who will work with YOU and not focus on the relationship itself. That will resolve itself in time whether you choose to stay or go. When you focus on yourself and your healing, whatever you choose to do eventually, you will be more peaceful about that.
Does this make sense??
Hi Angele,
Any more thoughts or questions? Have you decided on a path you would like to take? We would love to hear back from you.
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
We haven’t heard back from you so I thought I would check in and see how you were doing. Do you have anymore thoughts or questions you want to share? Would love any thoughts you have about the guidance you received.
Heidi
Hi Beverly!
Just to add to what Kanya is saying, have you ever seen the show “Lie to Me?” It’s fascinating! It’s all about body language and all the subtle and unconscious reactions we all have that expose what we are REALLY feeling! Just like Kanya is saying, one body position could mean several different things….it depends on many variables. This show was based on the work of Dr. Paul Ekman who has studied micro-expressions extensively. He even offers a short course to the public if you want to start learning all this stuff you are asking about. Here is his website: https://www.paulekman.com/
Enjoy!
Heidi
Hi Nathalie!
Thank you for asking this question! It sounds like he is really struggling. I just have a few questions for you.
1. Whatever caused the divorce, has that shifted and changed for the better from what you can tell so far?
2. How do you feel towards him being that he has not “recovered” fully since he lost his business?
3. Why would you consider getting back together with him?In regard to doing the “right” thing and making everyone happy….I would encourage you to let that go. No matter what you decide to do….you will be okay and figure it out. There is no guarantee, either way you choose, that things will turn out “happy.” It’s a gamble either way. But again, either way….YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!
So when making decisions like this….listening to your intuition and how YOU feel is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to listen to. It doesn’t matter if anyone else will be hurt or happy by what you decide. If YOU are not happy and if YOU don’t feel 100% aligned with your path, then you are just creating an incredible amount of stress for yourself and others.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Angele!
You are in quite the predicament. It is such a powerless feeling to completely be willing to be with someone and love them and have an incredible connection, only to have them “not know” what they want.Here is what you need to do first and foremost. You need to decide to participate in the design of this experience with him. When he flirts in front of you and it hurts your feelings, it is because your heart is telling you this is not okay. HONOR THAT! Being with him does not mean he gets to do whatever he wants, regardless of your feelings. Even though you guys are casual, there still needs to be an underlying feeling of respect and care for each other….he is not respecting you by showing attention to other women (I am wondering if he is wanting to get you jealous on purpose) and you are not showing yourself respect by participating by watching it and staying silent.
The hard part for you is that you have such strong feelings for him and if you stand up for yourself and start to set some boundaries, you may lose him. Reality is though, you don’t really have him anyways.
He is very split. This means one part of him wants to be with 1 woman, fall in love and have that deeper experience. Another side of him wants to be single and enjoy all the benefits of that. He is trying to have both sides filled….with you. And it sounds like it is causing a lot of hurt for you now.
When someone is split like that, there is a lot of fear and baggage they are carrying around. So the issue really is with you. You said that “I deserve a healthy 2 way relationship” yet you are choosing to fall for someone who cannot offer that to you. You are choosing to continue to connect, bond and support him, yet you are not supporting yourself. Maybe someday he will change, but whatever is going on deep inside him…it’s going to take awhile to resolve IF HE CHOOSES TO FACE HIMSELF!
So….if you were to honor him by accepting him EXACTLY as he is and he does not change….are you willing to stay with him?
Heidi
Hi Beverly!
I am so sorry! I remember reading your post and then I got sidetracked with the post after yours. My apologies! Thank you for saying something.
That is quite an age difference. You both will be experiencing life in very different ways. That being said….connection is connection. I have never known connection to care about age. It feels really wonderful and can be so much fun!
Where you may run into trouble is what you start to believe about the connection and what you do with it. If your mind starts to imagine relationship with him, falling in love with him and wanting to create a life with him….aside from the age difference working against you, you hardly know him. Who knows though! I believe anything is possible. I have seen and experienced incredible things in my life that go against the grain.
If you want to continue the connection and just have fun with him at the store, THEN ENJOY!!! If you are fantasizing about him a lot and investing a lot of energy into thinking about him, it’s probably time to bring reality into the picture. Fantasies are dangerous because the person is not real. So it might be time to make him real and find out what he is made of.
He may or may not react to your age. Who knows! If you want to see if there is any potential for you both, then it’s time to find out. Again…if you just want to enjoy the connection and leave it at that….then just leave it alone and have fun with him!
I understand you are shy and it sounds like he is quite shy as well. Is there any way you can have a conversation with him that could include your age? Do you guys ever talk music or movies? Maybe if you mentioned an artist or movie from back in your day. You could say “That was my very favorite song in high school!” or something of that nature….and he probably will not recognize or know what you are talking about and you could say….”Oh wow! I am dating myself here. You probably were just born when that song came out.”
What do you think? Do you feel comfortable with doing something like that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I want you to think about this differently. It’s not that you will stop reacting. That is NOT a marker for healing. In fact, that could be a marker for you going more numb. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HURT WHEN SOMEONE IS UNKIND! That is a pretty normal human response in general….if you do not have a reaction, I would question the health of your emotional system. A healthy person is someone who is resilient. It’s not that they go through life and are not triggered. A healthy person gets triggered and then has the skillset and knowledge about how to recover and let go, forgive and move on. That is what emotional health is! Of course, as you get rid of more and more baggage, some triggers will be less, but overall….knowing how to forgive and release is THE sign of health (in my opinion at least).
It’s more about you protecting yourself the best you possibly can, continue to forgive him, no matter how many times it takes, and continue to forgive yourself. It is an ongoing and layered process. Once you think you have healed and let go, the next layer will soon emerge. lol! Keep up the good work! Keep fighting for your health.
Keep us updated please! We love hearing back and how you are doing!
Heidi
Hi Allison!
Wow….this is hard. Robin Williams once said, “I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
Being alone and single, you are not really dealing with rejection. You are just alone. Being with someone and feeling alone is a constant dose of rejection. That’s hard! That wears down the soul and really starts to cause a lot of low self esteem.
I am glad you are finally ready to start fighting for what you need. You BOTH need to participate in the design. If something isn’t working, a good partner wants to know and work on it, because your happiness means everything to him.
I hope you have the conversation and let him know your feelings. Your voice deserves to be heard and paid attention to. I hope he listens with his heart open. Make sure you present it in a way that helps keep his heart open. If you blame and accuse and point the finger, he will close down. Remember this phrase, “When you do this___________(fill in the blank) it makes me feel this (fill in the blank)” It’s a great way to communicate with men. They tend to respond best to black and white….cause and affect.
Good luck and keep us updated! We are here to keep helping you with ideas!
Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
Wow…you are having some MAJOR realizations! What a wonderful gift for you. You are waking up to how you were limited and how your wounds caused more havoc and pain in both your life and your current guy’s life. You are right. It IS hard to see that, feel that and experience it on all levels. That is why so many people never choose to wake up to their behaviors. It hurts and is soooo hard to feel. You have great strength to allow this to happen. You could have easily defended against it like you have done in the past. You are making a different choice this time and that is a BIG deal! My heart goes out to you. I have felt like you are feeling, so many times in my life. There are many more to come as well. It is just what life is. We get to learn how to be resilient and heal though. I have done this so many times that by now, how long it hurts is literally half the amount of time. I have done so much healing work and dig deep every time to forgive others, to forgive myself and pick my head back up and keep moving forward. I will not let that pain destroy the joy that is also out there for me to experience. It gets easier to go through that process. The more you do it, the more you know there is always a light on the other end. There is always more laughter, there is always more love, there is always more connection waiting for us on the other side of difficult phases like this. What’s even better is the laughter, love and connection are even more magnified after a journey like this because you end up letting go of baggage that keeps you heavy! It feels so amazing!!!! You are worth the fight!!! You are worth the love and laughter and joy Tiffany. Love yourself enough to give yourself the gift to feel the best and worst of life. You can do this!
I want you to be kind to yourself. It is absolutely CRUCIAL that you forgive yourself for your limitations. You were acting out of being severely traumatized. You were protecting your heart the very best way that you knew how. NOW…you have lost him and unfortunately deep loss and pain is sometimes what it takes to get our attention. The biggest gift in the middle of this big pain is that you have woken up and want to create a different experience now. It’s time for you to connect to yourself and start healing your hurt on a deeper level. I will tell you, that even if he ends up coming back, these patterns will still be there. Just because you know something now, does not mean that your actions will change. They may improve a bit, but as deep as the hurt goes, it’s important for you to find a way to heal that deeper space that is filled with betrayal, abuse and low self esteem. If you are ever going to get your best friend back, waking up to yourself is just the first step. You need to take some action to change your behaviors. Do you know of a good therapist, life coach, healer or someone who could help guide you through this part of yourself? It is not something that is meant to be faced alone.
The first place I would start is to write a letter to him or maybe make a video with you talking to him (which actually might be more powerful since he will be able to see your face and hear your voice). Tell him what you told us. Tell him what you are learning about yourself, tell him how you see how much you have hurt him, tell him you are sorry. Tell him what you are going to do to heal yourself. He needs to know you are going to take ACTION vs. just giving him a bunch of words. I would recommend ending the letter or video by appreciating him. Saying something like, “You are my best friend. (tell him specifics about what makes him feel like a best friend to you). My life was better because of you. I understand why you needed to leave me and I will honor and accept the consequences of my actions. Whether you ever feel like you could come back for another try or not, I am going to get some help. I never want to feel like this again and I never want to make anyone else feel like this again. I need to heal and be more kind when I am hurting and that means I have a lot of work to do. I am going to take a step back and let you go through your own process without bothering you. You deserve that. If you feel like you want to talk, my door is always open for you. You and me together….is in your hands now. I have messed up so badly and all I can do now is working on fixing myself. I love you.”
Let us know what you think. Stay connected and keep talking to us!
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like you found some good closure for now. I imagine that as you pull away he may end up chasing you and pursuing you. He doesn’t know what his life is like without you and as he discovers that, it may bring up feelings for him….or not. Who knows! Trust your instincts and your feelings. Many people get derailed from their instincts because of “love” and the feelings they have for their partner. It’s a POWERFUL force!!! Just don’t forget to love yourself in the process as well!
We are here for you if you ever get confused again and need an objective opinion and guidance. Thank you for sharing with us!!!
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
I am so sorry! I know how frustrating this is to be so connected to someone and have them all of a sudden change without talking about it with you.
Obviously something happened. I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. Maybe he met a new girl. Maybe his job situation got seriously worse and he is so stressed and doesn’t feel like he has anything to offer you. Maybe he thinks it’s a bad idea to meet you in person for some reason.
What you need to pay attention to is that this guy changed his pattern and is not talking to you about any of it. This is definitely a BIG CAUTION FLAG! He is showing you who he is when something is wrong. He shuts down and becomes less connective and he doesn’t talk to you about it. He just leaves you hanging and wondering and playing this insanely lame guessing game. I’m not saying not to pursue him…I’m saying to be cautious with this guy.
I would recommend to stop texting and let him feel the absence of you in his life. You need to know if this guy is going to fight for you. If he isn’t, then better to know now. If he does make some effort, then great!
Do what you can to NOT initiate anything. Give it at least a week, maybe even 2 if you can stand it. You want to know how he feels about you and this is a pretty good way to find out. I know it’s not fun and will be very hard, but just remember that you want to know the truth about this experience with him. Take a step back and let the truth come out.
Let us know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Kristin,
This is actually not an uncommon situation. I have heard this same type of story soooo many times. People end up meeting online and having some incredible connection, then meet in person and it’s just not the same.
Listen…I really applaud your efforts and desire to make it work. Relationships have sooooo many things to work through as people unite their worlds. If there is not the chemistry, natural comfort and ease to begin with, you already have the cards stacked against you.
You both seem to be on the same page about feeling like it’s too much work. He is right…the beginning of getting to know someone needs to be fun, light, exciting and on the easy side for the most part.
I would invite you to really consider letting this go. I know you want to make this work, but it’s just really simple….it doesn’t work ALL AROUND….it works only when you are apart from each other. Of course you are going to miss him. You guys have an incredible connection over the phone and he makes you feel wonderful. It’s hard to let that go, especially considering your past. Do not settle. Wait until you find the WHOLE package. It will be much more effortless and it will feel right. You will feel a green light, WITHOUT QUESTION and so will he. Give yourself some time to heal and feel your life again without him. Then maybe when the “missing him” goes away, you can be friends. You cannot maintain a friendship as long as there are feelings like that. Just ask for some space and that you will contact him when you feel ready to be friends again. You may find that after healing, you don’t want to re-connect…who knows!
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry about that. I wish for you to have all that you deserve and you deserve to feel much more that what you are feeling with this guy…and he deserves that as well.
Let me know how this makes you feel!
Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
I am so sorry to hear this is happening. It must be so shocking to you! It’s devastating to all of a sudden see a completely different side to your husband and have him disappear and betray you this way.
I am wondering if you have noticed this type of behavior before, but on a smaller scale. Has he ever cheated before? What makes you think there is another woman? You said you realized you pushed each other away but then also said you guys did everything together and you were into the same things and in love with each other. What caused the pushing apart from each other?
Something had to have happened. For him to up and leave, say mean things to you and completely disconnect and even block you, he seems to feel like he needs to get away from you for some reason. Can you share anything with us so we can better guide you?
This is something pretty serious that is happening. It sounds like it would be a good idea to get some personal help. Do you have anyone that can help you? A therapist, a coach or someone who would be able to help you?
I know you want to save him. You love him and something like this is so hard and you want him back. Whatever is happening, he needs to save himself and WANT to come back home and WANT to work things out with you. If he doesn’t even have that desire, that means there are a lot of road blocks that will probably take quite a bit of time and working through some deeper issues.
We would love to hear more from you!
Heidi
