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HI Purnima!
Wow! It sounds like you dodged a bullet! He is quite easily reactive from what it sounds like. My guess is, he got jealous when he saw another guy making you laugh and enjoy yourself. It activated a lot of his low self esteem and feeling bad about himself so he decided to throw a tantrum. When you asked him why he came if he didn’t want to be there…that type of question can put someone more on the defensive. You could say something like, “It seems like you are having a hard time right now. Is there anything I can do to help or would you like me to just leave you be?” That type of question is validating and can help soothe the emotional fire….sometimes. Bottom line though….you really handled the ending very gracefully and he sure is missing out on some happiness he could have had with you. He obviously is not ready to be happy and that’s okay.
How to behave now? It’s just going to take some time. You just be yourself and trust your intuition in the moment. If you have let this go and hold no grudge to him, then he won’t feel any angst from you which is the most important part. You being your happy, normal self is what is going to help things go back to normal OVER TIME. Each situation will be different, but using your gut to guide you as to whether to talk to him or not or even what to talk about….trust yourself. If he is miserable like he says….my guess is, when he sees you happy and not affected by the “break up” so to speak, it may cause him to hurt even more and maybe even snarky towards you. He will interpret your happiness as you not caring very much about him. This is not your job to fix, if he does treat you that way. Your job is to just stay grounded and centered in who you are and let him figure out his own pain. The more you try to fix any hurt he has, the more it will affect you in a draining type of way. So it’s just about you being you, caring and connective and also protecting your happiness if he starts to use that against you in some passive aggressive ways. Who knows…he might end up being totally cool about it.
Will you update us and let us know what ends up happening?
Heidi
Hi Alicia!
Thank you for writing in! This is the million dollar question isn’t it? Soooooo many times, the woman is wanting more effort and initiation from the man. I wish there were a black and white answer to this very common question, but each situation is very different. There are so many unique factors that influence why a man is behaving the way he is. Here are just a few:
1. he could have a lot of walls up caused from past pain, therefore he doesn’t put much effort into a relationship
2. he could feel smothered
3. he has other interests (other women he is dating as well)
4. his attention is focused more on work than a relationship
5. he is just not that into a girl to make more effort
6. he hates talking on the phone
7. he has no money so he can’t afford to take a girl out very often and that is embarrassing for himDepending on what is going inside his head / heart, the guidance we offer would change. If you were very needy (in his eyes), we would guide you to give him more space and let him chase you more. If he had no money, we would suggest to create opportunities, like picnics or hikes that can help bond the both of you. If he is seeing other women, we would suggest to start to tap into some of his intincts to catch his attention a little more.
Can you offer us more details as to what you think is going on in your situation? Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” That is a great place to start so you can understand more how a man works and what he responds to.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
What a great question!!! My best advice is to ask him just that….whenever you are trying to align with someone else’s vision (don’t lose your vision though) communication is soooooo important. Figuring out how to meet his family’s needs AND your own is a balancing act that is going to take a lot of work, but if you have someone who can talk through everything with you, is honest, is upfront, asks for help….it makes it much easier.You can maybe even suggest having a lunch 2x a month or something, where you only talk about your families. What IS working, what isn’t working and then how you both can support each other in the changes. This way, there is a designated time where you both can vent, appreciate and resolve anything that needs attention. It will also help him learn to be more honest with you. He, on one hand, said he was in for the long haul and now is leaving because he reached his limit. Part of that is his responsibility that he didn’t protect himself from reaching that limit. So having designated times and days where you both listen to each other, bond, appreciate and keep figuring out this puzzle….it will give him a specific time to say what he needs to say and have your listening ear.
Do you think he would be open to this??
Heidi
Oh Darci,
I am sooooo sorry to hear this. Going through a trauma like that has destroyed many relationships and leaves a trail of many, many emotional upsets. How was your relationship before it happened? Did you feel like you had a pretty wonderful relationship or did you feel like you had a lot of challenges?
His final message sounds pretty intense. My guess is, you made several attempts at trying to re-connect and he continually said no to you. I want to invite you to think about leaving him alone for now. The mis-carriage may have triggered some deep hurt or anger or something. I don’t know how exactly things ended for the both of you, but I do know that he would have a lot of unresolved feelings. Many times, men need to disconnect and go process everything on their own. The woman loves to connect and work through something whereas men like to disconnect and figure things out on their own typically. He has put up a pretty strong boundary. My guess is, the more you try to reconnect, the more angry he will become right now.
Maybe give it a month or 2 of no contact. Then you could try asking him to help you with something and see what happens.
Do you have anyone you could talk to that has the ability to help you through this time? It’s awful! You lost your baby and now you have lost your guy. Those are some HUGE losses. I have no doubt you so full of a many many painful emotions right now. Is there a coach or therapist you could talk to? I am so sorry Darci!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
You are asking some great questions! LDRs are super tough. He may just be one of those people that does not do distance very well. I personally am one of those people. I have had best friends, boyfriends etc. that once we moved away from each other….I was just HORRIBLE at keeping in touch. I cannot stand to talk on the phone and text messages are just plain limiting. It had NOTHING to do with my lack of interest in other people….I just know that I am sooooo much better at relationship when in person.
Have you talked to him about it yet and told him how you feel? You can keep it super light and an easy conversation. You can say something like, “I’ve really noticed that since we moved apart, I am making a lot of effort to stay connected and initiating conversations. You are super wonderful at responding, so it makes me wonder….are you just not a very good long distance type of person? Maybe you don’t like to talk on the phone? Or maybe its an out of site out of mind kind of thing for you. Will you help me understand your experience so far?”
My personality is very direct though. If I have a question, I ask it. However, there is an art to asking a question in a way that makes the person feel inspired and willing to answer openly vs. getting defensive and skeptical. The idea is, you want to make him feel like you are asking a question because you are curious and wanting to learn about him vs. making it feel like there could be a potential argument.
If this is not your style, LDRs tend to need A LOT more patience and a lot more connection. For men, I have found that their need for connection with their woman is sooooooo much less compared to the woman’s need to connect. So be patient. For now, he is still very responsive to your initiations. If he was kind of like that anyways when you lived in the same space, he just may be someone who has a lower need for connection. I have also found that many guys prefer getting know a woman through experiencing vs. asking a lot of questions. LDRs are just that….a lot of talking and questions to get to know each other. It just may not be his particular style of how to get to know someone. One way you can tell is that when you were together….did he ask you a lot of questions? Did he frequently initiate conversation or were you the driver in that department as well?
One thing you can start doing is talking about the future with him in super small, flirty ways. For example, “You know I went shopping today and got some black lacey lingerie that I would love to wear for you sometime.” or “I saw this hotel and went in and saw their lobby has this HUGE fireplace. I imagined you and I sitting there, drinking a glass of wine, talking for a few hours, then heading up to our room to finish off the night with……” When you get flirty and start to throw some of that sexual/sensual energy towards him, that can definitely ignite the fire in a man to want to make some plans. I don’t know what your sexual relationship is like, but keeping that alive somehow, can help keep inspire his mind and body to stay connected to you.
Maybe you could throw out some ideas of doing a mini vacation with him somewhere half way. You can say, “Hey…I got a Friday off. What do you think about a mini vaca at …..” I know that is you initiating, but for right now…and maybe even for awhile longer, you may need to be the main one keeping your relationship running. It sounds like he is worth it to you and it is only temporary. The more you can build memories with each other, the easier it will be to keep things going.
You can send him care packages….maybe a box of his favorite snacks, a book he likes, a nice shirt (that he will think of you every time he wears it) maybe some cologne….idk….just small things that lets him know you are thinking of him.
My instinct though….is that you are just gonna have to be okay with him not initiating as much as you. At least for right now. Your relationship was still very new and didn’t have a lot of time to build a foundation before you parted ways. Patience is a KEY quality in LDRs. Men and women operate much differently, so maybe work on NOT interpreting his lack of initiation as meaning anything other than him being a typical guy. With that being said….it also wouldn’t hurt for you to back off sometimes. Disconnect and let him feel the loss of you. Let him miss you and feel the need to reach out to you. If you pull back once in awhile and let him take the lead, it may get your needs met enough to carry you through for awhile.
I gave a lot of ideas…..which one resonates most with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
It is important for him to see changes of course. It’s also important for him to communicate his needs to you as well. Did he just break up with you and you were surprised? You did not see this coming at all? It always takes 2 to tango. If he was unhappy, it’s his responsibility to let you know that. If he did and you still chose to ignore it or you did not listen very well, then this is a good wake up call for you. I love the Relationship Rewrite Methods. Lots of great stuff in there! You can also look at http://www.gottman.com. He has some incredible advice as well for couples. TONS of blogs to read and lots to learn!
I’m wondering if there is a deeper pattern here that you may not be aware of….maybe he is the kind of guy who tends to run from problems and is not very good about setting boundaries or asking for what he needs. Do you know this about him at all? Has that pattern shown up in past relationships, in work, with his family etc.?
When you see him, it’s a great idea for you to acknowledge his feelings and appreciate him for what he did try to do to help. Kanya’s example was great! There is no harm in you suggesting for another meetup. You can always say something like, “I get you want to end things. I however, believe you are worth fighting for. I want some time to learn how to be a better partner for you. Would you be willing to still talk once a week just for a month and see how you feel then? If that’s not comfortable for you, maybe we can meet up in a few months again? I am not expecting any promises or have any expectations other than hoping you keeping an open mind. What do you think?”
How does that make you feel saying it like that?
Heidi
Hi Smith,
It sounds like you guys get along super well! That’s a wonderful start! The thing is, when you create a FWB from the beginning, it is the IDEAL situation for a guy….he gets to have sex all the time and be friends but also have the freedom to explore. Setting up a situation like that can create a certain mindset in the guy that he doesn’t have to take that girl very seriously.
The challenge then becomes when one person starts to want more from the relationship. You want to change the design and that can be a bit difficult for a guy who has been getting his cake and eating it too! Now…you are asking him to give up his freedom. He may not be ready for that…who knows. It may take a little time for him to adjust to the idea.
What’s important is that you get very clear as to what you want from him. If you are no longer willing to sleep with him, but interested in still being friends, then let him know that. It sounds like him talking to you about other women is something you just cannot handle because you have stronger feelings for him. So it’s important you protect yourself and set up a boundary of not talking about those things.
It also sounds like he may respond super well to be rejected. I am guessing you are that girl that he can always depend on, so maybe start with becoming less available and creating a way for him to chase you. There are a lot of ways you can do that, so how you go about it depends on what feels comfortable for you. Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” There are some awesome guidelines in there that can help you understand how to activate certain primal instincts in a man. You can play hard to get mixed with activating his hero instinct. That can be a pretty powerful combination.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Susie,
How confusing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you offer a little more information? Is it a normal pattern for him to disconnect when you guys have an argument? Is there anything that you can think of that would cause him to go cold for a 2nd time? How long were you guys re-connected for before he went cold again?
What have you currently tried? Have you tried talking to him and he just isn’t responding? Is there any communication at all? It sounds like the no contact rule worked really well before. How do you feel about trying that again?
Heidi
It is soooo hard to stay grounded in reality when you have all those wonderful bonding chemicals floating around in your body that make you feel super attracted to someone! Keep doing what you are doing. Keep reminding yourself to honor the space he needs. If anything, he will respect you more for it and even feel more safe to be himself with you! Hopefully that is how it all turns out!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
It sounds like you found a pretty wonderful place to be in! Being okay whether it works out or not, is a hard place to come to terms with sometimes. You are learning, growing, gathering new info, opening yourself up to new experiences….what a great job you are doing!!! It is not always easy nor comfortable. I am so glad you shared your thoughts and your story on here so we can be a part of it.
Dating is a such an incredible way to get to know yourself on different levels. There is always a lot to learn!Keep us updated on what happens, any questions you have or even if you just want to vent!
Heidi
Hi Latisha!
I agree with you. It would be best NOT to ask that question. You already have asked that question in the past AND you asked about his thoughts on marriage and BOTH questions he dodged without giving you a real answer. So he knows what you want and if and when he is willing to give that to you, he sounds like the kind of guy that will do just that.
Does is matter anyways? If he is seeing someone else, will that change your attempt to get him back? Would it make you change your mind about chasing after him? I imagine it wouldn’t really deter you, so the answer to the question doesn’t really matter anyways. If it would change your mind and would cause you to let the idea of him go….well then maybe you do want to know the answer to that question. It all depends on the power the answer to that question has on you.
If you want to stay in the game, it’s smart to just continue keeping things light, easy and refreshing with him. Asking that question will instantly create a feeling of pressure on him and that is NOT what you want to do right now. Like Kanya said, you are doing a great job and he IS responding, so keep doing what IS working and don’t change anything just yet. Keep having patience and hopefully he will start to respond even more.
Keep running your thoughts by us! It’s a great way to get some objectivity!
Heidi
This is good news! Is he seeing a therapist that specializes in sexual addictions? Treating addictions is a very specific process. How long has he been seeing this person? Does your guy feel like it isn’t helping? Sometimes it can take a bit before the behavior actually changes. After seeing this therapist, he still does not know why he is addicted?
Maybe he needs a support group as well. Having accountability is so important for people trying to break unhealthy habits and that’s where a group may be able to help as well.
You can also look up emdr.com. Maybe you can find a therapist there. It’s a very powerful method for healing and works very quickly on healing if someone REALLY wants to work it. I LOVE this method as I’ve gotten an incredible amount of results from it.
Bottom line is….if this therapist isn’t helping to create any changes and your guy agrees with that, then you need to keep looking for someone or something that DOES help. There are treatment centers, there are groups, there are books, there are other therapists. You just gotta put your head down and keep looking until you find something that helps him. And if I were you, I would also be looking for support. You are going through an incredible amount of hurt as well. YOU need support through this!!! Someone needs to hear YOUR voice and your hurts and your feelings of rejection etc. and your guy is NOT the person for that right now. Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking with that has the skillset to help you through this?
Heidi
Hi Tania,
wow….I am sooooo sorry! This is heartbreaking! To have such a wonderful connection and family unit feels so amazing, but then to have him dealing with this sex addiction is so hurtful and so sad. I am so sorry!
I am sorry to tell you that you cannot make anyone stop and addiction. Addictions need to be dealt with by the person themselves. He may not know the “why” behind what he is doing, but reality is, he is not doing anything to find out that answer. He is just letting it happen, despite the hurt he is causing you. It does not mean, on any level, that he doesn’t love you. It just means the addiction is stronger than his love for you. For now, he gets to have both, which is ideal for anyone who has an addiction. It means their addiction doesn’t really have any consequences, so why would he need to stop? Most of the time, people who have addictions finally do something about it when they are in enough pain or have experienced enough loss that they finally decide to get help.
Have you tried talking to him about getting help? It is a form of sexual addiction, so maybe there is a counselor nearby who could help him? Maybe any type of support group? Have you or him read any books on the topic? What attempts have been made to try to deal with this? How long has this been going on?
Heidi
There is nothing more shocking when your partner all of a sudden admits to not being happy when you thought everything was okay.
Were you happy? You said he was controlling and mean. Has this behavior shifted? Looking back, could you see that maybe he wasn’t happy and you just didn’t see it?
I have an incling to agree with you. Him pushing you to date or be intimate may be a projection. It wouldn’t surprise me if he were already intimate with someone else and is trying to feel better about it by asking you to do the same thing.
He is saying some pretty strong things to let you know he is just not interested anymore. That hurts so badly to hear things like that. Who knows what is REALLY going on as he is not really communicating much to you other than he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If it is ever going to change, it is really important for you to 2 things….give him space and not be as available and work on letting him go. When a man is being chased, he doesn’t really feel the need to put much effort in. When he the woman plays hard to get, so to speak, it activates his hunter instincts. I am not saying this will work with your guy. If he has another woman he is interested in, the odds are not working in your favor. But either way…I want to re-iterate what Kanya said earlier. It is sooooo important for you to know that you will be okay without him. If you do separate, your heart WILL heal and you will create a life separate than him and you CAN be happy….and most likely, you will be happier since your life will be much more peaceful. I suggest you really start to work on that aspect. Knowing that you can live life without him and knowing you are ARE worth loving, you ARE worth fighting for. When you know that, deep down (whether he chooses you or not) you will sense this and may end up really resopnding to your new confidence. He may end up respecting you more.
This is going to take a lot of time and there are no guarantees. All you can do is the best you know how and hope he responds. Since he admitted that he liked helping you, that may be a way to continue some type of connection. My guess is, over time, more truth will come out and you will start to gather more info as to what he is up to.
Be patient, really rely on your friends and family (maybe you can take a trip to see your family for a bit) and start to practice loving yourself more and more.
Have you read the Relationship Rewrite? There are some amazing tips in there that can help educate you as to how to be a better partner. Whether this works out or not, it’s wonderful information to learn and begin to practice and even teach your children as they get older.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
