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Hi Sonia,
I thought of you when I was watching this video today. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND CONNECTION!
Oh! I forgot to mention….it has to be one of the top books I have read by Dr. Gottman “A Man’s Guide to Women” Everything he teaches is research based. It was such a valuable book, even for me to read….his research has shown that a man is the one who will make or break the relationship. That is how valuable a man is in a relationship. If he fails in certain tasks, the relationship is guaranteed to break. A woman can fail and have more leniency. I am not putting it as delicately as Dr. Gottman, but I loved that book because he was very clear about what a man can DO to have a happy woman on his hands. You BOTH should read it. It’s short and a very easy read and gives you both some very practical tools you can immediately begin to implement. Of course, it is just the beginning of your journey, but it’s a very easy place to start.
https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Women-Scientifically-Secrets/dp/1623361842
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
You both have been through quite a lot together. I’m soooo glad to hear that you both are willing to work on improving your relationship.
I just have a few questions first.
1. He recommended this program for you. What is HE doing to learn about you? Is there a program he is going through?
2. He has broken your trust in a BIG way…2 different times. First by cheating and second by packing up and leaving and texting you to let you know. Reality is, he is not very good at being honest and authentic with you if you were taken by surprise on both occasions. OR…maybe you are not a very good listener. I don’t know….I do know that it seems that BIG gestures is how he ends up communicating with you maybe as a final attempt or maybe even as the first attempt. So my question is, how do you feel the communication is between the both of you?I also want to mention that forgiveness and forgetting are not the same thing. You are NOT supposed to forget. You ARE supposed to forgive though. So far, in the past 2 years, he has broken your trust. That means it is going to take some time for him to build that trust again. And the way that trust is built is by him showing you that he is handling his feelings differently than before. He is asking for his needs to be met, he is being authentic with you, he is working through the hurt he feels etc…..otherwise, it will build up again and he will most likely either cheat or leave or do something to that affect again. He obviously has no skillset to handle what he is feeling….so he needs to develop that skillset….at least that is HIS side of the equation. Obviously you have your side of the equation. So it is quite unrealistic for him to want you to forget about the past and move on. You can move on, but with caution. For him to think that he can just earn your heart back after making those kinds of decisions….well I would like to see what he would say about that if that the tables were turned.
One of my very favorite teachers for couples is Dr. John Gottman http://www.gottman.com He has an INCREDIBLE amount of very valuable information for couples. He is one of the leading researchers on marriage and what makes it last, how to repair it, what components are involved in healthy relationships etc. He has workshops, online programs, retreats etc. That may be a good path for both you and your husband to venture down. I think it would serve your needs really well.
This program is actually very good at helping a woman understand a lot of the core aspects of a man and how they function. It’s a great place to start. I would recommend starting with the “Relationship Rewrite”. There are some great ideas you can begin to implement immediately.
After this program, I would look for a program for you BOTH to go through together….that way you are learning the same language, same concept and have the same goals set forth. From what you are saying, you both have a strong connection and that is so wonderful. It’s just gotten messy and you need some help on how to work through all of it. You both needs some new skillsets, new ways to relate to each other, new ways to ask for your needs etc. That’s where I think Dr. Gottman would be great! If you don’t feel like you respond to his teachings, there are many others out there we can recommend. Just let us know.
I am proud of you and him for choosing to fight for more with each other. On the other end of this…if you both endure….the love you have and share will be magnified 10 fold!
Let us know your thoughts on what I have said.
Heidi
Hi Sonia,
I can totally see your confusion. There is nothing more difficult than being around someone who is very unclear. I want to make sure you are clear as well.
There really is only a part of you that feels safe with him. You say you feel safe with him, yet you are constantly receiving mixed signals….which makes him very unstable…someone you cannot rely on. Reality is, you are joining him on this journey and being unpredictable as well. Because you don’t feel like you have enough confidence, you also are there with him, then reach a point and bail.
My first recommendation is to invite you to just accept him exactly as he is. When a woman believes “If he only…..everything would be okay” that is a VERY dangerous belief.
First, because you are putting everything on HIS shoulders for you to feel better. You believe that if he would just get into alignment and stop this push/pull game, then everything would be okay and that simply is not true. If this issue were to resolve, there would be another issue that shows up, then another, then another….YOU need to be okay first and foremost in accepting him for who he is. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, NOR RIGHT to push someone into something they are not, nor want to be. So if you want to be with him, know that who he is TODAY is a yes/no kind of guy. So accept that and love him for EXACTLY who he is…..or realize not enough of your needs get met so it’s best to leave him be and find someone who is more likeminded with you.
Second….where are you in this design? You are putting all of the power and design in his hands and not participating. Essentially, you are just going along for the ride without setting boundaries nor asking for what you need.
I would say the most important aspect is for you to find your confidence in this situation. No more taking a back seat and letting him be the yes/no guy without him understanding how it affects you. It’s time for you to say something. It’s time for you to put yourself in the equation and use your voice. What’s the worst that could happen from it? You won’t really lose him because you don’t really have him anyways. Even if that was the worst that happened, you will have stood up for yourself. How else are you supposed to develop confidence unless you risk? It’s impossible! People gain confidence by risking. It has nothing to do with success or failure from that risk, it has more to do with learning to trust YOURSELF that when you will be okay if it all falls apart. That is what is called resilience. If you never trust yourself to handle heartbreak, then you get to stay fragile and afraid and that’s okay too! Not everybody is willing to risk like that. If you want to gain more confidence, then it’s time he got to know that wonderful voice of yours….that deserves to be heard. Besides….he will respect you more for it anyways and may be just what he needs from you to be inspired to get his act together. Do you remember reading about the respect principle?
Here could be a way to open up the conversation (IN PERSON) “Javi….we have been in and out of each other’s lives for a very long time now. And during all of those times, it seems I end up getting really confused…and I have never said anything about it…..until now. Javi….I want to be with you. I think you may want the same thing, but it sometimes feels like you don’t. So I am confused. It feels like some days you connect really well but then I don’t hear from you and then you all of a sudden re-appear. I, of course, am reaching my limit again like the times before. But I have decided that I don’t want to keep repeating patterns with you. I want to create something different. I feel safe with you. You are a good man and I want to know you more. So it’s time to just say what needs to be said. I want to know what you want with me….friends or more?”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Ashlie!
You have been through a VERY intense thing. I am so sorry!!!! Wow! My heart goes out to you for facing an incredibly difficult moment….on top of that…..alone. It’s sad that he did not join you during that time. It sounds like you have had to go through this pretty much alone.
For whatever reason, this seems to be triggering him in a big way. He may be in love with you, but whatever he if feeling about the loss of his potential child is BIGGER than the love he feels for you. Have you guys sat down and really talked this out? What he’s feeling, what you’re feeling, how you can support each other? Have you talked to him about why he is pulling away from you? Have you worked on healing yourself and the trauma associated that decision and moment? A loss like that has many, many layers to it. You both may never be the same, and you may end up having difficult moments many more times, but hopefully you both are resilient enough to walk through this together.
It may even be helpful to get a 3rd party involved…even if it’s just for you. There are therapists, coaches, healers etc. that have quite a bit of experience or even specialize in helping people through those moments. If you don’t deal with all the feelings involved, it is one of those things that will haunt you forever. The sooner you forgive, let go and deal with any guilt, shame, hurt etc. the better!
So again, I am asking….have you both sat down and had an honest (maybe several) conversation about all of it? Have you not talked to him about why you feel like you are living in opposite ends of the house? I am wondering if he is not intimate with you because being intimate will remind him of you getting pregnant and everything that followed. It may be too much of a trigger for right now.
Heidi
Here is another short clip I found where they meet on the bridge. You really should watch the full episodes leading up to that moment. Pretty good stuff that may help you work towards what you really want…..which is to forgive and connect back into the love and best friend that you so dearly miss!
Hope this helps you become more clear.
Heidi
Hi Latisha!
Thank you for sharing all of that information with us! It helps make sense of everything a lot more.I want to first validate you. He DID break your trust when he cheated. Breaking trust in that particular way can break the heart and hurt so deeply. And it can take awhile to heal from it as well. How do you feel about letting it go from now on? Can you agree with him and with yourself, that you will never bring it up again? Do you feel that is possible? In a way, you have done something to him as well. You have continued to punish him, blame him, be angry at him and you have never let it go….so eventually he will feel like it will be a never-ending thing and that you will never forgive him about. There will be no moving forward with him as long as you hold that over him. You will never feel the same as long as you keep holding onto that hurt. So there are 2 ways about this. 1. Forgive and continue to move forward with him 2. Forgive and let him go and create a new life without him.
Here is my personal definition of forgiveness…giving up the right for revenge. When someone hurts us so deeply, it is pretty natural to want to hurt them back or make them pay somehow for the hurt they caused. You have chosen to hold it over his head and bring it up all the time and punish him with your hurt. So forgiving doesn’t mean you forget, it just means you let go of punishing him. You align with the fact that he was human and made a very poor choice that broke your trust. There is not much more he can do than to say he is sorry. Now it’s up to you to let it go. There is nothing he can do to make you feel better. The hurt you are feeling is between you and your heart. It’s in a place of your heart that he is not able to touch or heal for you. It’s in that place that only you can deal with. So I would say to work on forgiveness and letting that moment go. THEN….you can decide what you want to do next. When there is so much hurt and feelings of betrayal, there is no possible way you would be able to think clearly about what you want or need. There is no way for anything to go back the way it used to be until YOU deal with your side of things.
How does this make you feel? Does it make sense to you?
I don’t know if you ever have watched Sex and the City, but if yes….there are a few episodes where Steve cheated on Miranda. They went to a therapist and got help and eventually they were both cornered into making a choice. The therapist told both of them…..You will meet at a place of your choosing in 3 days (I can’t remember the exact scenario, but you will get the point). You are not to see each other before then. If you both show up at this location at an agreed upon time, then you telling the other person, I want to move forward with you. I want to let go of all the hurt and we are starting clean. If you someone does not show up, then they are saying they do not want to move forward. They want to break up. Here is a super short clip of it.Heidi
Oh Robin!
I am so sorry! I know how you feel. It is such crazy making to be connected, having fun and bonding and then the next moment, he has disappeared. The “not knowing why” part is what makes the entire situation feel like a tornado inside. I am so sorry you are going through this.
There are 2 things I always recommend in this type of situation:
1. Try to investigate more. Is there any possible way you could get more information? Call his work and see if he is still there? Can you stop by his house? You don’t have to go in or even let him know you were there, but just finding out if he is still alive and okay and not in a hospital bed somewhere….well it’s important for you to just know that he is okay. If he is okay, then you know that he has ghosted you for some reason that he is choosing not to divulge. If he isn’t okay, then you have the “why” answer. Either way, at least finding out that much can create some closure for you.
2. Set a time limit. It is so important for you to decide when you will choose to move on. Since he is not responsive to you, it leaves you hanging out there with no closure, no answers, no nothing. He may never offer you an answer, so the way you get back your control of the situation is to decide to move on yourself. You set a day in your mind and decide that if you don’t hear from him by that day, then you are going to officially end it in your mind and heart and you start to focus on healing instead of waiting for a reply. What works well is to say something like this, “Listen…I have no idea what has happened. I thought we were doing really well. I was having a lot of fun with you and feeling really good about the direction we were going in. But obviously, since you have decided to disappear, you did not feel the same way. Whatever your reasons for disappearing, it hurts that you won’t honor me with at least your truth. But of course, you get to do this in whatever fashion you want and I have to and will honor your choice. So I have regretfully come to this choice. If I do not hear back from you by December 1st, then consider the door closed from that day forward. I must create closure for myself if you decide you don’t want to talk with me. I hope to hear from you. If I don’t, know that I will miss you greatly. Take care”
You only send him this type of note AFTER you have done #1 and know for sure he is okay and still living his daily life.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
HI Janice,
It sounds like you are on the right track! What about staying in your house and finding a different place for your son? This way, you and him can settle into a routine, sooner than later, in the place you are going to stay and hopefully grow old together. If you were wanting to rent a place anyways, then why not have your son move there since he is only there temporarily. You and your husband need to get grounded and build together. The sooner he can have his own room to do with what he wants, the better!
As far as reconciliation, what have you tried so far? Are you guys talking to each other at all? Have you told him that you set boundaries with your son? Have you told him any of your ideas? Again, it will help if you remind him of why you appreciate him and why you value him in your life. You are doing the best you know how and know that there is a lot of room for improvement, but you want that chance to improve with him. Is he willing to have a chat with you so you can let him know everything you are doing to fight for him?
It may take some time for all of what you say to get past his layers of defense. But you can always do little things daily for him too. Maybe leave little love notes on his car. Maybe pack him a lunch. Maybe make his favorite dinner and put it on the doorstep. Those would be little ways for him to remember what he has with you.
Does this give you a direction that you feel comfortable with?
Heidi
Hi Janice!
Thank you for writing in! Your husband is very lucky to have you wanting to fight for him! I’m sorry you are having to go through this. People’s style of living is a very common point of tension. I want to make sure that when you say you want him back, that means he will still have the “hoarder” types of habits. I imagine this will always cause a challenge for the both of you, so it will be CRUCIAL for you guys to find some middle ground here.
Is there maybe a room in your house that can be all his? Or maybe a closet? Since he has such a high need to keep things, you can give him a certain space in the house where he is allowed to put things. Once that is full, he either has to clean it out or stop collecting. Is this a possibility?
As far as your son is concerned, I’m want to guide you to set some boundaries with him. He is stepping into YOUR relationship and it is not his place….and you let him do that, which will instantly make your husband feel ganged up on and not protected by you…and that you are choosing your son over him. So it’s time for you to set a boundary and let your son know that he needs to not interfere…he needs to trust you that you can take care of yourself. I would also recommend to find a different way of communicating what you need. Arguing all the time is draining and will eventually result in what you are currently going through….AND….it’s difficult for your son to hear his mom being unhappy. Can you maybe take discussions into your room and close the door so your son doesn’t have to hear? C
Bottom line here is, your best chance at getting him back to let him know that things are going to be different. If you show him some action that you have taken, then he might believe you. For example, you can let him know that you had a conversation with your son and set a boundary and that you are sorry you did not protect him from your son’s anger. You are learning and want to do better. You can let him know that you are learning better ways to say things so you guys don’t argue as much. It will take some practice, but you want to communicate better. You want to have discussions, not arguments. You can let him know that even though he is more messy than you are, you love him and you want to figure out a way for BOTH of your needs to be met.
Most importantly, let him know why you married him. Let him know all the ways that you appreciate him and that you need him in your life. Despite all the differences and arguments, your life is better with him and you want to fight for him and work on being a better partner for him.
Does all of this make sense? I would also highly recommend reading the “Relationship Rewrite Method” There are some incredible tools in there that could help you along the way as you try to re-design a relationship with him that works well.
Heidi
Hi Joyce,
Wow….I’m so sorry! Of course you are really sad! It hurts terribly when someone sees us a certain way that is actually not true. It hurts even more to support someone so much and then have then turn their backs on us and say some mean things.
Can you offer more detail? Do you know why he would say such things? Has he ever mentioned being unhappy with you?
Heidi
Hi Latisha!
I’m so glad you got to talk for awhile. Can you tell me what your thoughts are about why? Were you light and easy and fun to talk to? That might be a good hint into what helped him open up to you that time. I definitely support Kanya’s guidance. Keep some distance and give him some space still. When you do contact him, keeping everything light and going back to the best friends part can help remind him about the kind of connection you 2 used to have. From what you explained, it sounds like he always felt like he was backed into a corner and always feeling punished about cheating on you. Do helping him feel like you have let that go and that is not your path anymore….will help him feel so much more at ease.
I’m curious…you said you guys had a wonderful relationship. So why do you think he cheated? Did he ever discuss that with you?
Heidi
Hi Natasha,
I would agree that he has a valid concern. I know you said you are not looking for a father for her, but reality is, ANY man in your life is going to play that role. If your daughter is with you and a man is with you, he is in a certain role. The more a guy is in your life, he is in your daughter’s life as well…which means he will be a type of father figure as well. He is 52 and heading towards being a senior. I have been around many people in their 50’s and they are in a space of wrapping up their lives. Finishing things up with work, figuring out new adventures they want to partake in, and faintly looking at senior living….even though they are a long ways away from it, it is in their minds. If he continues to date you, having to deal with a 3 year daughter will DRASTICALLY change his life. You are still very much a young person where is in a different type of phase in his life. If you didn’t have a daughter, I’m sure it would be a completely different story.
I don’t know how to help you other than to validate his feelings. Instead of telling him you are not looking for a father (which invalidates what he is feeling) ask more questions about his fear. Get really curious about his thoughts and feelings. What does he imagine life will be like with you and a 3 year old? Find out more of his deep feelings and really listen to him…validate him and just understand him. He will greatly appreciate that! Once you have more information about his feelings, you can then decide where to go from there.
What are your thoughts?
HeidiHi Debi!
There are a lot of things going on here. It sounds like you have a lot of feelings of rejection and feeling used. I know you expressed it to him, but what was his response exactly? Did you guys RESOLVE it or you just said what you said and went about your way? And if you did resolve it, what was agreed upon? Meaning….what exactly do you need him to do for you to not feel used by him?
Everyone is so different when it comes to technology. When a person says they will call and then they don’t….well that happens quite a bit. If that is his pattern, then it is his pattern. If it was a pattern through the rest of his life, then it might be more of a concern, but it sounds like it only happens with the phone. Is that true or do you find you don’t trust what he says many other times as well?
I would not put too much pressure on him to meet his son. It could mean something or it couldn’t. Everyone is different with their family. I’ve had guys meet my mom pretty quickly sometimes, but it didn’t mean I was going deep and bonding with the guy because he met her. I’m wondering, if you meet his son, what do you think that will mean?
And lastly, when you blame someone for how YOU feel, that is playing the victim. He cannot make you feel something that doesn’t already exist in you. He just is shining the light on that part and activating it, but truth be told, they are YOUR feelings that existed before he came along and that means it is YOUR responsibility to take care of that part of yourself….not his. You are wanting him to change his actions and treat you differently so you can feel better. And frankly, I sure don’t blame you. It makes life sooooo much easier if the other would change! Ha! What if he never changes? What if you keep feeling used and ignored? What if he just is who he is? Would you still choose him?
Hope to hear from you soon!
heidi
