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Hi Liela,
Thanks for your great question! I’m sorry that phrase did not work for you!
This approach works more often than not however, because every situation is different, it does not always work. For example, if a guy felt his lady was very needy and suffocating during the relationship and always asking for him to take care of her, asking for help AGAIN would most likely not inspire the guy to reconnect. It all depends on the mindset of the guy, the kind of guy he is (personality) and the reasons why he has disconnected.
What happened with your situation. If you provide more details, we may be able to help with a different approach that could be more suited to your specific situation.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Thank you for writing back in. It helps me know how I can communicate better and make sure I am more clear when I explain things! I loved all of what you said. Your honesty was wonderful and brave…your vulnerability is so human! Thank you for sharing!
I first want to address the online dating. I didn’t mean to come across as saying NOT to do it. It’s a GREAT way to get to know people, practice certain skills and maybe find your “someone.” I just meant that it’s very important to really watch yourself while dating. It’s very easy to get swept away and easy to create a fantasy about someone. That is why I recommend to online date locally and to meet much sooner than later. The longer you spend connecting with someone through technology, the more it’s very natural to create a certain idea about who that person is…and many times it is not even accurate. So it’s best to connect for just a bit and then meet up for tea or coffee and THEN decide if you want to move forward. It has been the best formula I have found through personal experience as well as with all the people I coach through this. I know many people may disagree with this approach. I honestly think it just depends on the person. I personally have a tendency to fall into that fantasy pattern easily, so in order to keep myself in check, I would meet for drinks very quickly. I know some people who DO NOT fall into that fantasy trap and can communicate online for awhile and be fine with it. So how you go about your dating approach is really up to you.
Here are other ways to meet people: http://www.eventsandadventures.com and look up some meetup groups that do things you are interested in. http://www.meetup.com Neither website is for dating but instead is about meeting up to do activities with other people. Event and adventures requires that you are single though…so it CAN turn into something where you meet someone if that’s what you want.
I’ve also had that conversation with myself, thinking it’s my fault because I have also had several guys ghost on me in the past. But you know what I always come back to? I am being myself and I like myself. If that person is not inspired by who I am….then that’s okay. He is not a match for me. It’s VERY easy to lose site of our value when someone disappears on us. I always tell people to spend about a day thinking about what maybe you could do different. If there are some things you could work on to improve the dating experience, then great! If there is nothing that pops out or is evident, all you can do is continue to move forward doing the best you know how….and that’s it! Leave it at that….no mulling it over and feeling bad about it longer than a day. If it starts to carry over into several days, that’s letting you know you are giving that guy a lot of power in your life that he does not deserve! and that’s where you need to take back your power! The last thing I want to say about this is that ghosting is sooooo common. It’s so sad. It is the number 1 problem I help people through (both men and women) when online dating. There are a million reasons why people disappear and most of the time, it has nothing to do with the other person…it has something to do with the person’s life who is disappearing. Either way…it doesn’t really matter. When you get ghosted, it brings about low self esteem and that is what you have to work through….loving and choosing yourself in the face of someone else not choosing you. It’s soooo hard but a skill you will need for the rest of your life!
It’s natural to hurt like you are….you really cared and connected with him…and you want to feel better about all of it of course. This is where I tend to get a little tough with people who spend a lot of time on these situations. The reality is, for right now you do not know what happened because he won’t answer you. So THAT is your answer…..the only answer that really matters and the only answer you need for right now…is that he is not interested. The what and why and how behind it does not matter. I know you want to make it matter, but you don’t have that option with him. He is radio silent for now. Maybe at some point he won’t be, but for now you won’t have answers. So it’s important for you to let go and move on without those answers. It’s soooo important to love yourself and connect to yourself in order to do this. It’s important for you to be able to forgive and let go instead of spending all of your energy trying to understand something you just won’t understand. You could play all the guessing games you want as to why he unfriended you on snapchat but nothing else. But that’s all it is…a GUESS…and then your emotions get all wrapped up in that GUESS and the story you create around everything….and that is what is not healthy for you. It’s time to close the door and not longer spend your energy on figuring HIM out and instead figure yourself out. Let him go so you can move on but you have to let him go knowing you may never get the answers you want. Maybe at some point he will contact you again…who knows! All you have to deal with is what you know RIGHT NOW and right now…he is not available.
Now….after you work on connecting back to yourself and your value and amazingness….THEN you can decide if and what you want to do about the situation. The challenge most people run into is this…they are hurting and they want the OTHER person to fix the hurt by changing or doing something different. You want HIM to make you feel better. As long as you are giving him all that power in your life, the feelings and situation are clouded and not clear. So if you work on yourself and work through this by helping the hurt to go away WITHOUT him….then you will have a much more clear perspective and can make a decision from that space.
Does all of this make sense?
We would love to hear from you again!
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for the update! You sound very grounded and much more clear about your path with him. I am happy to see that you are giving this relationship some time and letting it unfold how it does. You are handling this really well! If there is anything else we can help with, let us know!
Heidi
Hi Trisha!
Oh man….I am so sorry to hear this! It hurts so much to have that kind of physical and emotional connection and then to have someone ghost you.
I would like to invite you to think about something first before you decide to try to regain his interest. If he is already ghosting you now, when everything was great, there is something off (maybe he has a girlfriend) or maybe he found someone else more suitable for him or maybe he is just out for getting sex and that’s it. Maybe he is in a hospital bed somewhere….who knows. Any of the first scenarios, are you sure you want to regain his interest? You want to try to get a guy back who totally ghosted you? You have known him for such a short period of time and he is already doing this….even if you do regain his interest, whatever caused him to ghost in the first place is still going to be there. He is obviously not on the same page as you and it is not your fault. What’s important is that you that you find someone who is totally interested in getting to know you and has nothing standing in his way. There is something stopping this guy. Whether it’s him being a player or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a standard as to how you are treated. If you try to get his attention back, it will only tell him there are NO CONSEQUENCES to his ghosting you. You are teaching him that it’s okay for him to have sex with you and connect with you and then bail….you will still be available for him. Is this what you want him to see about you?
If you do want to regain his interests, I would set a time limit on this. I would hate to see you hanging your hat on this guy for the next month or so when there is little to no response. How long are you willing to work for this guy?
I personally would first find out if he is okay. I would want to make sure that he is still alive and well before heading to the next step. Is there a way you can find this out??
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Oh man! I am soooo sorry! This is so heartbreaking! I understand why you would be hurting….you create this idea and story in your head about this guy and he turns out to be quite disappointing. The dream you created with him in your life is now gone.
I imagine you are thinking you did something wrong or that maybe your “intimate” moment was not what he really wanted. I want to encourage you to NOT go there. You have no idea what is going on in his life…so to try to figure it out is not the way you want to spend your time. I will tell you that a survey was done where over 50% of people who were on the app dating scene (tinder, bumble etc.) were already in serious relationships. Maybe he got caught! Maybe he is just playing games with the ladies on line and is seeing how much he can get from the girls. Maybe he found someone else close by that he decided to go with. I don’t know….but there are so many possibilities!!! And sadly, you may never know what happened if he decides to completely ghost you.
I am going to say some things you may not like to here right now, but I feel it’s important to remind you. Online dating can be VERY dangerous in the sense that people end up bonding and connecting through technology and offer parts of their hearts and bodies to someone without ever having met them in person. The danger is the fantasy. You already pegged him as someone you could imagine being with for a long time….he was your person….when in reality, you hardly knew him. You had never even met in person to see if you guys meshed well together IN PERSON. So many people get caught up in creating fantasies about people through the online system. It’s easy to do! When I dated online, I learned very quickly that many times the amazing connection I was having through the phone, email, texting etc., did not hold up when meeting in person. So I made it rule for myself that I needed to meet them IN PERSON before I allowed all those bonding hormones to flood my body which then causes the fantasy of the person.
I want you to really think about this for a second before you decide to pursue him further. You said you have standards and people accused you of being too picky….well now that this guy has totally ghosted you and decided to just bail without ever talking to you about it and he is being a complete chicken….is that the kind of guy that fits into your standards??? Part of your standards need to include how someone treats you when something gets hard in their life….how they communicate with you. Regardless of his reasons, what is showing you through his actions is that he needs to disconnect and he definitely not doing it in a very kind way. This is the “perfect” guy you were imagining. This is his humanness. Do you want that in your life?
Man…I am so sorry! It hurts so badly and I understand why you are crying. I want to invite you to work on healing your heart and forgiving him for how he has treated you, forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met by him and then decide what you would like to do about this. I know you want him back so you don’t have to hurt anymore, but even if he did come back, whatever caused him to ghost like that is still going to be there.
What do you think??? Share more of your thoughts with us! We are here for you!
Heidi
Hi Gael,
I am so sorry to hear it did not turn out the way you wanted. Kanya said something REALLY important that I want to emphasize, because it is CRUCIAL in dating….YOU LISTENED TO YOUR GUT! I imagine a part of you might be wishing you initially had a different response to him and chose friendship from the get go, but you listened to your gut…then you tried to re-connect and as it turns out so far…he is not responding….so maybe you are being rescued from a situation that would not have turned out really well. The point is….you listened to your gut and that is one of the most important voices to listen to when getting to know someone! I just wanted to emphasize that as you move forward in dating.
I’m glad to hear you are choosing to make yourself important. Many people would make excuses and tolerate being low on the totem pole and that NEVER feels very good. I know the rejection hurts, but it sounds like you will process that and re-create something that matches your needs and standards.
Thank you for letting us be a part of your process!
Heidi
Hi Jen,
What is he good at? What does he tend to help people with in life? What are his interests and hobbies? Those are the areas that you typically want to tap into for the hero instinct. If he is really good with computers, ask him a computer question. If he is really interested in astronomy, ask him questions about that topic and show interest so he ends up teaching you. If he is good at fixing things, then have something for him to fix.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to check in and see where you are at. Have you learned anything new? How are you feeling about the situation?
Heidi
Hi Leila,
Not a stupid question at all. It sort of can activate his hero instinct. It depends on how you ask it. If you are asking him to clarify so you don’t misunderstand what he is saying, then I would say no….it wouldn’t activate his her instinct. If you were asking because you don’t know what the word actually means, then yes, it would activate that instinct some…so if you said, “I have no idea what this word means! Will you help me? Can you explain this me? I feel silly asking, but I want to understand.”
Does this help?
Heidi
HI Sietske!
This is a great question!!!
I first want to ask you….how has the “serious relationship” topic come up? If you have only seen these guys a few times each, talking about a serious relationship already, might be what scares them away. Even thought that is what you want and what they want….it takes time….you don’t really want to commit to one person so soon before you really know them. In the beginning, it’s good to keep the pressure off and just enjoy their company and get to know them. Then, as the relationship develops over time and you know for sure that you like each other (that takes some time as well) THEN you start to talk about something more serious.
Share more details so we can figure out how to guide you a little better.
Heidi
Hi NH,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through! You have a lot of history together and it’s so hurtful to have your partner cheat and throw everything away. I don’t know the details of your situation and why you think he is cheating. Has he expressed that he is unhappy with you at all? Has he cheated before? What is he saying to you now? Is he saying he doesn’t want to be with you anymore or does he say there still might be a chance?
I highly recommend reading the relationship rewrite method even if it’s just to learn. Whether or not you apply the principles, it is ALWAYS helpful to understand how you could have been a better partner! It is useful for future relationships, whether with your current guy or a new one.
I don’t know if you have a chance, but you sound split. One part of you wants to give up and the other part wants to fight for him. As long as you are split like that, you will not be successful either way. The first thing you need to decide for yourself is which path you really want to invest in…that way you focus ALL of your energy on whichever path you decide instead of just part of your energy. You can always change your mind as well. If you decide to fight for him 100% then decide in a month or so that it’s just not worth it, then you change you mind…and vice versa.
How do you decide that? If you want to fight for him, it’s going to take a lot of time and patience with a very unpredictable outcome. There is no guarantee you can get him back….plus you have another woman in the picture that he claims to love. If you want him back, it’s first about understanding why this is happening in the first place. How can you become a better partner and how can he become a better partner. Getting him back will not work unless HE IS WILLING TO WORK ON IMPROVING THINGS TOO!!! If he is not willing and you are doing ALL of the work, then it might be time to let him go. No relationship will last in a happy way if only 1 person is doing all of the work to improve themselves and the relationship.
If you feel like it’s time to move on, then you need to really dedicate yourself to that path and work on healing from all the hurt. It’s hard at first, but eventually you will adjust and maybe even feel better without him.
What do you think about what I’ve said?
Heidi
Hi Erica!
I can definitely see why you are confused! I wouldn’t interpret his actions as “not interested.” It could be that he is HORRIBLE at texting, maybe he is seeing other people as well, maybe he is just not good at communicating. Here is what you need to look at first and foremost. PATTERNS. One time means nothing really, 2x means a weak pattern, 3x means a strong pattern. He is showing you a strong pattern by now that he is not consistent with communication…no matter how many times he apologizes. The reason doesn’t really matter….at this very point….it is who he is. Is this something you are willing to accept about him? If it is, then it means just letting it be what it is. Getting hurt feelings every time it happens means that you will be hurting quite a bit. If you can let it go and be at peace that this is who he is…then great!!! If not, you need to honor yourself that you need something different than what he offers and honor him by accepting for who he is and not try to change him.
In my book…healthy, authentic, consistent communication is one of the TOP requirements I have. Poor communication is one of the top 1 or 2 reason that people get divorced, so this area of the relationship is important!!!
I would not initiate. Let him make the effort. If your interactions always fall into the pattern where he disappears and you are the one who initiates the contact again, he will learn that is okay. So wait….let him feel the absence of you and let him work for you. He has to EARN your time and trust….in order to do that, he needs to make effort to keep you in his life.
Or….next time you see him, you could keep it light and simple and say something like, “I notice you disappear a lot and for quite a few days in a row. This is hard for me because in one moment you are telling me you want to jump my bones, then the next moment you are gone. I need some help to deal with this red light / green like kind of thing because I’m the type to connect more frequently. Can you help me understand what is happening?”
Maybe after gathering more information, you will have a better understanding. I always like to talk about things first so the guy is aware of how he is affecting me. Then I let it go and watch. Does he shift his behavior at all or does he just fall back into the same exact pattern? That gives me information as to whether or not he is really interested in caring about my experience. His words need to align with his actions.
So for now, wait until he contacts you, then when he does, maybe have a little chat and see what he does? Then you can decide from there whether it’s worth fighting for or not? It depends on what you feel comfortable doing.
Let us know your thoughts
Heidi
In this next phase where you are taking better care of yourself, feel free to use us as a resource. Kanya and I have a TON of ideas of books to read or people to follow that offer wonderful guidance!
Heidi
Hi Lori!
How wonderful! I am so glad to hear you have come into this space. Making yourself valuable is the most important thing you could do regardless of what happens. When you are happy inside, when you care about yourself and take care of yourself, the people around you that are worth keeping close, will fall in line with you. If they don’t, then that is important information for you to know about them.
I am reaaallllyyyy proud of you! Well done!
Heidi
