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Hi Cristina!
What an interesting situation you have found yourself in! It sounds like your reasoning for not wanting to date a guy with kids comes from a place of fear more than anything. Maybe it’s time for you to face that fear! Because reality is…you are not willing to walk away right now. I know you are confused, but if I told you to disconnect now, you are heading down a really bad road….would you do it? My guess is no…so you are making your decision…so stick with it and really choose to invest in this guy until you see fit to do otherwise. Maybe you can look at kids in this way…children bring out a side of you that only a child can do…it’s a special place that is meant only for them….just like an animal can….you will find that if you and this guy continue to grow closer, because you care about him, you will naturally care about the extensions of him….his children. You might find it to be really natural and easy to care for them. Regardless of them being raised with love, you are still going to have moments of difficulty though…especially if there is a special needs child. It’s just the life of having children around. It is going to be hard sometimes….so what….you just embrace your choice and you grow from those challenging moments. Each difficult moment, whether coming from a child or a coworker, can help you grow and learn things about yourself that are wonderful gifts…so the question is….do you want to have those types of experiences? You want children of your own, so this would definitely help teach you some skills you will need as a parent anyways.
Are you willing to let him go right now? If not, then you commit to your choice and stop questioning yourself. You will never get a real true answer about how you feel about all of it until you fully commit and try it on. You are never stuck. If you discover after awhile that it’s just not for you….then you will deal with that moment at that time….fear is a funny thing…it’s all about a future that hasn’t even happened. Stay present with yourself and your choice and trust that for now, the door is open….until it isn’t. If it shuts at some point, trust you will be okay and deal with it at that moment.
Also, I do want to support Kanya’s guidance when she said to keep it slow. I do feel that it’s more important than ever, being that he has children, that you guys really take things slow and feel each other out for awhile before meeting the kids. Have you guys talked about a timeline for that at all? Just curious.
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
Thank you for explaining further!
I want to invite you to really focus on 1 major thing right now. Forgiveness and letting go of that resentment. Resentment is an especially toxic emotion. It costs a lot of energy and can be very dangerous for relationships. As long as either of you carries that feeling, you will always be limited with each other. Most emotions actually do not fade over time. What usually happens is that people get used to feeling them and their system slowly buries it below the surface until you don’t feel it anymore….until something happens and it get triggered. Every day you live with resentment is another day preventing you from truly being happy in your life.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened…it’s about releasing the negative emotions around it…the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, resentment etc. When you can fully and completely let go of those emotions, THEN you will be free with each other to truly grow closer and deeper than ever before. I also would bet a million bucks that the resentment you feel is directly influencing your feelings of daily struggle of the rut and mundane stuff happening. That’s why I want to encourage you to take the lead in actively making that choice to forgive on all levels and not just wait for the feelings to fade.
Is this something you feel ready to do?
heidi
Hi Trudi!
It sounds like you guys are heading down a path that makes you both grow closer together. You are right in that it is going to take some time.
I’m curious…do you feel like you have forgiven him fully and completely? Do you feel any tinge of resentment, hurt or anger towards him about anything? Does he have any of that towards you?
What type of mundane details do you feel could get in the way? And HOW would they get in the way? What patterns are you trying to avoid?
Heidi
Hi Sietske!
Good to hear from you! Wonderful advice by the way. How is your situation going? Any new updates?
heidi
Hi Akiko,
Thank you for writing in! I can see why you are confused and not sure what to do.
Do you have any clue as to why he is not interested in something deeper?
I want to really encourage you to listen to what he said. He is not interested in anything further than sex, which in my opinion, is near impossible to do as a woman without there being consequences emotionally….especially the older you get. Women even have a chemical (dopamine) released into her body the first 7 years she is having sex with a man. That hormone is a BONDING hormone…the same exact hormone released in the baby and the mother at birth when the baby is placed on the mother’s chest. We are physically bonding with a man even if we think we emotionally are not. You already have creating a great friendship, so as you cross that line into the physical and then keep building the friendship, it is only natural to want more.
The problem women have is that they think that maybe the guy will change his mind. They think that continued friendship, dates, sex and having fun together may inspire the man into wanting something more. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME!!! He has been very clear with what he wants….LISTEN to him and honor his choice. If you choose to participate, then you are participating with a man who is NOT EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!!! So if you were to honor his choice, the question then comes back to you….what do YOU want? If you want to fall in love, i would suggest to look elsewhere. If you want to just have sex, then you have that guy, but it also means you REALLY limit how much you have a friendship with him because it is VERY easy to be drawn into that and start to want more from him.
So to answer your question….he is JUST A FRIEND and nothing more! And if that is all he wants to offer, then I would consider no longer being intimate…which then means you may lose him completely….who knows. This decision is more about the kind of relationship you want to have with a man and whether or not that matches with what this guy has to offer.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You have been through quite a bit but it sounds like you are coming out the other end and you and your husband are finding each other again.
I am glad you got connected to the hero instinct and how much that made sense about your husband being attracted to a woman he could “save.” It’s a strong instinct in them isn’t it!!!! Did this make sense for him as well?
What is your current situation??? Is he totally and fully committed to you and your family again? Has he let her go? Do you see some changes in him?
I imagine you are now being much more vocal about how much you need him in your life. Would you mind sharing some ideas???
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
Look how brave you are! You are recognizing and accepting the truth of your own limitations as well as theirs and even willing to take the hardest road….which by the way, will give you the most return. It is the VERY BEST gift you could give yourself….to choose yourself over someone else…your friendship and your ex husband….in order to connect and get to know yourself better. This choice is guaranteed to make you stronger on the inside and THEN…the very best part, you will attract someone who can be stronger WITH you.
Now….how to go about all of that? Goodness…there are a lot of ways…none of which are pain free. It’s just going to hurt, no matter what as there is a lot of loss. It’s worse in the beginning which is why everyone gets that very strong pull to re-connect….so you need to make it past that point. I PROMISE it will only get easier, but you have to just get through the initial phase of separation.
You will need help. Because you will be “alone” for the first time in awhile, you will have a lot of different emotions ranging between love and deep hurt, anger, betrayal etc. This is important for you to feel all of those! If you are not feeling those emotions, you are most likely guarding yourself. If you do feel them, FEEL ALL OF IT as it is essential in order for you to heal. Is there a therapist or a coach you would be willing to work with? You have a pattern of connecting with unavailable men, so diving into the depths of that pattern can help free you from it, so next time you choose someone who cares and values you deeply and is available to do so.
Here are some other ideas:
1. get a diary and start writing or typing
2. watch a lot of movies where the main character is dealing with loneliness but becomes resilient (Under the Tuscan Sun). Also, watching movies or reading books is a GREAT way to have a brain break….your brain gets occupied on a different story other than your own.
3. get a dog or a cat….they can be sooooo loving and healing if you find the right one for your personality
4. spend a lot of time with your friends and family….they can help create distractions and be there to remind you of your goal and purpose for your decision
5. Are there any hobbies you have wanted to start? maybe learn a new language, start dance classes, start cooking classes etc.
6. volunteer somewhere…even if it is only 1 day a week…getting involved where you are helping can be very healing for the heart!
7. Watch some self help youtube videos. Brene brown is my very favorite! You can just type in names and watch their 15 min videos offering advice. here is one to start with.The point is….fill your life with things that are going to make you smile, laugh, feel comfort…all things that are self love. It will help you avoid the pits of depression and help you keep the strength to not re-connect.
It’s okay to feel lonely….it’s actually really important!!! I always coach people to feel comfortable with aloneness….the more you try to avoid that very important feeling, the more you will be attracted to men like you have chosen. The best people in relationships are also good at being alone…they don’t “need” the other person to make them not feel alone….they just want the other person as an addition to their lives…not a completion to their lives….and this is why being alone is very important. You get to know yourself in a way that can only happen when facing that fear. Otherwise, that fear will rule your life! I LOVE being alone! My life is very peaceful, easy, I explore a lot of things and do a lot of things I wouldn’t be inspired to do if I had a partner. Whenever this phase shows up in my life, I have always looked at it as a time to get to know myself better and a time to face fears and a time to play a lot and have some freedoms. It’s really a wonderful time in life once you stop fighting it and embrace the gifts that are waiting for you!
Telling them your decision is quite simple really. You can say something like this, “It’s time for me to take care of myself and be alone and heal. I have been afraid to be alone for a very long time and it’s just time to really face that, which means it is time to disconnect.” DO NOT get into how your ex husband keeps drinking or how your friend won’t leave his wife…those are their issues that they need to face….you are facing your issue which is your fear of being alone. Keep the focus on YOUR purpose and don’t put the blame on them for their lack of decisions. Your friend seemed to really respect your choice from your previous experience. He seemed to really honor your choice. I don’t know about your ex husband, but it’s IMPORTANT that you keep your choice all about YOU and do not go into his limitations. Give him as little information possible and keep the conversation short. Do not take on any of his hurt or begging or whatever he might do. It may pull you back in. If you need to do it through a letter or something because you just don’t feel you could resist him in person, then you do that. This choice is about your and finally choosing yourself again over him.
I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. I’m glad you are finally making this choice though…you will find pieces of yourself that are sooooo valuable and when you look back, you will be sooooooo glad you made this choice!!!
Please write us back and let us know your thoughts. Kanya will also have some great ideas as well. We are here to help you through this!!!
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
Thank you for writing in and sharing your story!!! You are in a very tough situation! He sounds like a really wonderful friend and someone who is helping you feel how I imagine you have wanted to feel in a relationship. Friendship is sooooo important in relationship. Trust is a huge part of that and your ex husband probably broke that trust many times. I’m glad to hear that he is getting some help!
I want to support what Kanya is telling you. Both her and I and MANY people for that matter, have had friends or clients connect sooooo strongly through texting and messaging and the fantasy gets created. It is an INCREDIBLY strong fantasy as well and very dangerous. People are really vulnerable and not getting a lot of their needs met, tend to fall into the fantasy much easier. You both are going through some incredible struggles and have found that in common. You have both been a great support for each other and that is sooooo hard to say no to….and feels impossible to say no to.
I want to invite you to think about this in a different way and see if this helps you decide the path you want to go on. I first want you to think about your own life. It took you 25 years to break up. Why 25 years? You finally reached your limit. You were in enough pain that you finally made that decision to get a divorce. So the one motivating factor that inspired you to take that risk and leap, was being in enough pain and discomfort that you couldn’t stand it anymore. He is going through the same scenario as you just went through, BUT he is not in enough pain because you are making his life so much better by being in it. It actually allows him to stay longer with his wife because he is not hurting as much…because you are there to meet many of the needs his wife is not able to. So in essence, you are only helping to stay where he is at. If he is really going to make a change and leave his wife, he needs to be in enough discomfort to finally take the plunge and face his fears. And it is MUCH healthier if he did that on his own, without you being the reason for his choice. If you become the “reason” that motivates him to leave, that can lead to resentment later on down the road. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet and face his fears. Is he willing to do that??? Who knows. I imagine you have been a wonderful gift for him as he gets to experience a great connection. Now he needs to fight for his life and ask for more. He needs to create the kind of life he really wants instead of cheating on his wife with you. And yes, it is cheating. He is emotionally invested in you and you are with him. That is actually a much more serious type of cheating than just having a physical relationship because what you guys have….it involves the heart. If his wife and your ex husband are aware of how you feel about each other…then that makes it more in integrity.
I just want to leave you with those thoughts. You BOTH are in current relationships of which neither of you seem to be getting your needs met. So maybe it is best for you to really decide what YOU want. If you want him, then you have a decision to make with your current ex husband. But again…you DON”T make that decision based on your “friend” being there for you, because that could totally fall apart. YOU need to decide what kind of relationship you want. If it is NOT with your ex husband, then it’s time for you to move on and create something different. If you DO want your ex husband, then you need to cut off all other options as it is splitting your energy being in connection with this guy AND being in a relationship. Essentially, you BOTH are sitting on the fence and you will never get anywhere as long as that is where you hang out.
I would love to hear your thoughts!!!
Heidi
Wonderful!!! Keep us updated Andrea! This is not easy what you are going through and we are here to help you through some of rough patches!
Heidi
Hi Bularca!
Thank you for writing in! I am glad you are here asking for some other opinions and asking some great questions.
I first want to acknowledge you for taking responsibility for the hurt you caused with your words. That is the very first step to earning back someone’s trust.
Do you feel like you want to apologize with this newfound awareness you have? If you do, then it would be a wonderful thing for you to create some resolution for yourself as well as maybe help him heal….all of which can build trust again.
you can say something like, “I read these new books and all of a sudden I REALLY realized, on a deeper level, how harmful my words must have been for you. The nagging I also did during the time we were together. I am so sorry. I now see how my limitations must have made you feel hurt, defensive and not appreciated. Honestly, that is the last thing I ever want you to feel. I am sorry I did not see this about myself sooner. All I can do is the best I can each moment. After reading these books, my best is a much better version than before and I only wish for that to continue. I don’t blame you for wanting to break up with me. I understand now. If you ever want to talk about this, I would love to sit down with you and really listen. If that doesn’t interest you, that’s okay too. Just know that I am deeply sorry for hurting you and I ask for your forgiveness.”
As far as keeping in touch, as long as he is willing and you feel good about staying connected, then absolutely! It can help you guys build back up the trust that was broken and really work on becoming friends again.
What do you think? Does this approach feel good for you?
Heidi
Hi Cecelia!
Oh my! You have been through an incredible amount! It sounds like you are quite resilient though. I am so sorry he had left you like this. You must feel so confused and very hurt!
I am wondering what happened. I am wondering if the doctor told him something he is not sharing with you. Maybe he has a terminal illness or something and pushing you away is his way of trying to protect you. For him to all of a sudden disconnect really makes me think SOMETHING has happened.
Do you have any idea of why he was not very affectionate? Was he ever complaining of feeling sick or not well? Why did he go to the doctor? Has he been pretty open and honest with you throughout your marriage or did you have to always pull things from him to get him to talk?
Let us know more details….it will help us guide you a little better.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I’m so glad you are back home and recovering well. I am glad you have found resolution and feel good about closing the door to this past relationship.
I actually do know a lot of men who care and read books and do a lot of self growth. It’s easier for women as we were really built for relationship. It is much more natural for us to want to grow and nourish our relationships. That being said….we all come to the table with issues and limitations. What I always coach people on is this….when you are looking for a long term partner, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to look at is how they handle stress. Do they treat you with respect and grace even when they are hurting? Do they treat themselves and others the same way? You have to see the VERY WORST of someone before you can ever really know if they are okay to be on the inside walls of your heart. Sometimes this takes a bit of time, but it is crucial. I will not give my heart away completely until I see the worst sides of them and know that I am safe with them in that space. And vice versa….I expect the same actions from myself when I am in my worst. So you saw what he does when he is under stress. He disconnects and that is important for you to know about him.
Now it’s important that you forgive him for how he has hurt you so that you don’t carry that hurt into your next experiences. And it’s also a good idea to look at yourself and where your limitations also contributed to the situation…that way you can also become a better partner in the future.As far as this new guy….take it super slow. You are saying you want his attention 100% but you haven’t even met him yet to know that you want his attention. No need to tap into hero instincts. When first meeting someone, it’s like a job interview. You are just seeing if you want to have a second date and he is seeing the same about you. No techniques needed yet. Just have some fun and keep it very light and playful with him!
Let us know how that goes!!!
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Your instincts are spot on. Whether or not he received the messages does not matter anymore. That happened in the past and now you have the present moment to deal with. Backing off a bit will give him some breathing room and allow him to miss you. It’s wonderful that he called just to check in on you! That is a great sign that how you are approaching things now, is working.
Just like Kanya said, if you focus on improving your own skills in a relationship, focus on working to control your anger better and allow him to have the space he needs…you may end up exactly where you want with him, only in a healthier way than when things ended. He needs to feel like you support him, even if that support means giving him space…and he needs to feel safe to come back to you without a lot of drama. If you can work through a lot of your hurt feelings and anger NOW, on your own, then when and if you do talk about those things that caused hurt, you will be so much more peaceful in your communication… which will help him want to connect with you more.
As far as guarding your heart a bit….that is smart as well. It’s important to be cautious. He has hurt you quite a bit and it sounds like you don’t fully understand why yet. With how everything happened, there was a trust that was broken and needs to be rebuilt….that takes some time and patience and most importantly….forgiveness. When you can let go of the hurt and forgive (not forget) his choices, you will have a clearer mind as to how you want to handle the situation and what feels good for you. You don’t feel safe yet with him and that’s okay. It’s going to take some time to heal and to see how things go.
You are doing a great job Andrea!!!!
Heidi
Hi Tamara!
I am so sorry to hear this! Would you mind sharing more details? If I understand correctly, he recently divorced then re-connected with you and then all of a sudden said he needed space and disconnected?
If he is recently divorced, this may be the main reason for his decision. It’s usually recommended for people getting divorced to spend some time alone and heal from the breakup. How long was he divorced before connecting with you? Did he ever communicate that he wasn’t happy with you at all? Is this a complete shock to you or maybe part of you knew this might happen?
Are you guys currently on speaking terms? If yes, how? Through texting, email, phone, do you ever see each other?
Heidi
Hi Liela,
Thanks for your great question! I’m sorry that phrase did not work for you!
This approach works more often than not however, because every situation is different, it does not always work. For example, if a guy felt his lady was very needy and suffocating during the relationship and always asking for him to take care of her, asking for help AGAIN would most likely not inspire the guy to reconnect. It all depends on the mindset of the guy, the kind of guy he is (personality) and the reasons why he has disconnected.
What happened with your situation. If you provide more details, we may be able to help with a different approach that could be more suited to your specific situation.
Heidi
