[Heidi G]

Hi Alicia!

Thank you for writing in! This is the million dollar question isn’t it? Soooooo many times, the woman is wanting more effort and initiation from the man. I wish there were a black and white answer to this very common question, but each situation is very different. There are so many unique factors that influence why a man is behaving the way he is. Here are just a few:

1. he could have a lot of walls up caused from past pain, therefore he doesn’t put much effort into a relationship
2. he could feel smothered
3. he has other interests (other women he is dating as well)
4. his attention is focused more on work than a relationship
5. he is just not that into a girl to make more effort
6. he hates talking on the phone
7. he has no money so he can’t afford to take a girl out very often and that is embarrassing for him

Depending on what is going inside his head / heart, the guidance we offer would change. If you were very needy (in his eyes), we would guide you to give him more space and let him chase you more. If he had no money, we would suggest to create opportunities, like picnics or hikes that can help bond the both of you. If he is seeing other women, we would suggest to start to tap into some of his intincts to catch his attention a little more.

Can you offer us more details as to what you think is going on in your situation? Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” That is a great place to start so you can understand more how a man works and what he responds to.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sarah!
What a great question!!! My best advice is to ask him just that….whenever you are trying to align with someone else’s vision (don’t lose your vision though) communication is soooooo important. Figuring out how to meet his family’s needs AND your own is a balancing act that is going to take a lot of work, but if you have someone who can talk through everything with you, is honest, is upfront, asks for help….it makes it much easier.

You can maybe even suggest having a lunch 2x a month or something, where you only talk about your families. What IS working, what isn’t working and then how you both can support each other in the changes. This way, there is a designated time where you both can vent, appreciate and resolve anything that needs attention. It will also help him learn to be more honest with you. He, on one hand, said he was in for the long haul and now is leaving because he reached his limit. Part of that is his responsibility that he didn’t protect himself from reaching that limit. So having designated times and days where you both listen to each other, bond, appreciate and keep figuring out this puzzle….it will give him a specific time to say what he needs to say and have your listening ear.

Do you think he would be open to this??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Darci,

I am sooooo sorry to hear this. Going through a trauma like that has destroyed many relationships and leaves a trail of many, many emotional upsets. How was your relationship before it happened? Did you feel like you had a pretty wonderful relationship or did you feel like you had a lot of challenges?

His final message sounds pretty intense. My guess is, you made several attempts at trying to re-connect and he continually said no to you. I want to invite you to think about leaving him alone for now. The mis-carriage may have triggered some deep hurt or anger or something. I don’t know how exactly things ended for the both of you, but I do know that he would have a lot of unresolved feelings. Many times, men need to disconnect and go process everything on their own. The woman loves to connect and work through something whereas men like to disconnect and figure things out on their own typically. He has put up a pretty strong boundary. My guess is, the more you try to reconnect, the more angry he will become right now.

Maybe give it a month or 2 of no contact. Then you could try asking him to help you with something and see what happens.

Do you have anyone you could talk to that has the ability to help you through this time? It’s awful! You lost your baby and now you have lost your guy. Those are some HUGE losses. I have no doubt you so full of a many many painful emotions right now. Is there a coach or therapist you could talk to? I am so sorry Darci!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lauren,

You are asking some great questions! LDRs are super tough. He may just be one of those people that does not do distance very well. I personally am one of those people. I have had best friends, boyfriends etc. that once we moved away from each other….I was just HORRIBLE at keeping in touch. I cannot stand to talk on the phone and text messages are just plain limiting. It had NOTHING to do with my lack of interest in other people….I just know that I am sooooo much better at relationship when in person.

Have you talked to him about it yet and told him how you feel? You can keep it super light and an easy conversation. You can say something like, “I’ve really noticed that since we moved apart, I am making a lot of effort to stay connected and initiating conversations. You are super wonderful at responding, so it makes me wonder….are you just not a very good long distance type of person? Maybe you don’t like to talk on the phone? Or maybe its an out of site out of mind kind of thing for you. Will you help me understand your experience so far?”

My personality is very direct though. If I have a question, I ask it. However, there is an art to asking a question in a way that makes the person feel inspired and willing to answer openly vs. getting defensive and skeptical. The idea is, you want to make him feel like you are asking a question because you are curious and wanting to learn about him vs. making it feel like there could be a potential argument.

If this is not your style, LDRs tend to need A LOT more patience and a lot more connection. For men, I have found that their need for connection with their woman is sooooooo much less compared to the woman’s need to connect. So be patient. For now, he is still very responsive to your initiations. If he was kind of like that anyways when you lived in the same space, he just may be someone who has a lower need for connection. I have also found that many guys prefer getting know a woman through experiencing vs. asking a lot of questions. LDRs are just that….a lot of talking and questions to get to know each other. It just may not be his particular style of how to get to know someone. One way you can tell is that when you were together….did he ask you a lot of questions? Did he frequently initiate conversation or were you the driver in that department as well?

One thing you can start doing is talking about the future with him in super small, flirty ways. For example, “You know I went shopping today and got some black lacey lingerie that I would love to wear for you sometime.” or “I saw this hotel and went in and saw their lobby has this HUGE fireplace. I imagined you and I sitting there, drinking a glass of wine, talking for a few hours, then heading up to our room to finish off the night with……” When you get flirty and start to throw some of that sexual/sensual energy towards him, that can definitely ignite the fire in a man to want to make some plans. I don’t know what your sexual relationship is like, but keeping that alive somehow, can help keep inspire his mind and body to stay connected to you.

Maybe you could throw out some ideas of doing a mini vacation with him somewhere half way. You can say, “Hey…I got a Friday off. What do you think about a mini vaca at …..” I know that is you initiating, but for right now…and maybe even for awhile longer, you may need to be the main one keeping your relationship running. It sounds like he is worth it to you and it is only temporary. The more you can build memories with each other, the easier it will be to keep things going.

You can send him care packages….maybe a box of his favorite snacks, a book he likes, a nice shirt (that he will think of you every time he wears it) maybe some cologne….idk….just small things that lets him know you are thinking of him.

My instinct though….is that you are just gonna have to be okay with him not initiating as much as you. At least for right now. Your relationship was still very new and didn’t have a lot of time to build a foundation before you parted ways. Patience is a KEY quality in LDRs. Men and women operate much differently, so maybe work on NOT interpreting his lack of initiation as meaning anything other than him being a typical guy. With that being said….it also wouldn’t hurt for you to back off sometimes. Disconnect and let him feel the loss of you. Let him miss you and feel the need to reach out to you. If you pull back once in awhile and let him take the lead, it may get your needs met enough to carry you through for awhile.

I gave a lot of ideas…..which one resonates most with you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sarah,

It is important for him to see changes of course. It’s also important for him to communicate his needs to you as well. Did he just break up with you and you were surprised? You did not see this coming at all? It always takes 2 to tango. If he was unhappy, it’s his responsibility to let you know that. If he did and you still chose to ignore it or you did not listen very well, then this is a good wake up call for you. I love the Relationship Rewrite Methods. Lots of great stuff in there! You can also look at http://www.gottman.com. He has some incredible advice as well for couples. TONS of blogs to read and lots to learn!

I’m wondering if there is a deeper pattern here that you may not be aware of….maybe he is the kind of guy who tends to run from problems and is not very good about setting boundaries or asking for what he needs. Do you know this about him at all? Has that pattern shown up in past relationships, in work, with his family etc.?

When you see him, it’s a great idea for you to acknowledge his feelings and appreciate him for what he did try to do to help. Kanya’s example was great! There is no harm in you suggesting for another meetup. You can always say something like, “I get you want to end things. I however, believe you are worth fighting for. I want some time to learn how to be a better partner for you. Would you be willing to still talk once a week just for a month and see how you feel then? If that’s not comfortable for you, maybe we can meet up in a few months again? I am not expecting any promises or have any expectations other than hoping you keeping an open mind. What do you think?”

How does that make you feel saying it like that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Smith,

It sounds like you guys get along super well! That’s a wonderful start! The thing is, when you create a FWB from the beginning, it is the IDEAL situation for a guy….he gets to have sex all the time and be friends but also have the freedom to explore. Setting up a situation like that can create a certain mindset in the guy that he doesn’t have to take that girl very seriously.

The challenge then becomes when one person starts to want more from the relationship. You want to change the design and that can be a bit difficult for a guy who has been getting his cake and eating it too! Now…you are asking him to give up his freedom. He may not be ready for that…who knows. It may take a little time for him to adjust to the idea.

What’s important is that you get very clear as to what you want from him. If you are no longer willing to sleep with him, but interested in still being friends, then let him know that. It sounds like him talking to you about other women is something you just cannot handle because you have stronger feelings for him. So it’s important you protect yourself and set up a boundary of not talking about those things.

It also sounds like he may respond super well to be rejected. I am guessing you are that girl that he can always depend on, so maybe start with becoming less available and creating a way for him to chase you. There are a lot of ways you can do that, so how you go about it depends on what feels comfortable for you. Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” There are some awesome guidelines in there that can help you understand how to activate certain primal instincts in a man. You can play hard to get mixed with activating his hero instinct. That can be a pretty powerful combination.

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Susie,

How confusing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you offer a little more information? Is it a normal pattern for him to disconnect when you guys have an argument? Is there anything that you can think of that would cause him to go cold for a 2nd time? How long were you guys re-connected for before he went cold again?

What have you currently tried? Have you tried talking to him and he just isn’t responding? Is there any communication at all? It sounds like the no contact rule worked really well before. How do you feel about trying that again?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It is soooo hard to stay grounded in reality when you have all those wonderful bonding chemicals floating around in your body that make you feel super attracted to someone! Keep doing what you are doing. Keep reminding yourself to honor the space he needs. If anything, he will respect you more for it and even feel more safe to be himself with you! Hopefully that is how it all turns out!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharlene!

It sounds like you found a pretty wonderful place to be in! Being okay whether it works out or not, is a hard place to come to terms with sometimes. You are learning, growing, gathering new info, opening yourself up to new experiences….what a great job you are doing!!! It is not always easy nor comfortable. I am so glad you shared your thoughts and your story on here so we can be a part of it.
Dating is a such an incredible way to get to know yourself on different levels. There is always a lot to learn!

Keep us updated on what happens, any questions you have or even if you just want to vent!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha!

I agree with you. It would be best NOT to ask that question. You already have asked that question in the past AND you asked about his thoughts on marriage and BOTH questions he dodged without giving you a real answer. So he knows what you want and if and when he is willing to give that to you, he sounds like the kind of guy that will do just that.

Does is matter anyways? If he is seeing someone else, will that change your attempt to get him back? Would it make you change your mind about chasing after him? I imagine it wouldn’t really deter you, so the answer to the question doesn’t really matter anyways. If it would change your mind and would cause you to let the idea of him go….well then maybe you do want to know the answer to that question. It all depends on the power the answer to that question has on you.

If you want to stay in the game, it’s smart to just continue keeping things light, easy and refreshing with him. Asking that question will instantly create a feeling of pressure on him and that is NOT what you want to do right now. Like Kanya said, you are doing a great job and he IS responding, so keep doing what IS working and don’t change anything just yet. Keep having patience and hopefully he will start to respond even more.

Keep running your thoughts by us! It’s a great way to get some objectivity!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is good news! Is he seeing a therapist that specializes in sexual addictions? Treating addictions is a very specific process. How long has he been seeing this person? Does your guy feel like it isn’t helping? Sometimes it can take a bit before the behavior actually changes. After seeing this therapist, he still does not know why he is addicted?

Maybe he needs a support group as well. Having accountability is so important for people trying to break unhealthy habits and that’s where a group may be able to help as well.

You can also look up emdr.com. Maybe you can find a therapist there. It’s a very powerful method for healing and works very quickly on healing if someone REALLY wants to work it. I LOVE this method as I’ve gotten an incredible amount of results from it.

Bottom line is….if this therapist isn’t helping to create any changes and your guy agrees with that, then you need to keep looking for someone or something that DOES help. There are treatment centers, there are groups, there are books, there are other therapists. You just gotta put your head down and keep looking until you find something that helps him. And if I were you, I would also be looking for support. You are going through an incredible amount of hurt as well. YOU need support through this!!! Someone needs to hear YOUR voice and your hurts and your feelings of rejection etc. and your guy is NOT the person for that right now. Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking with that has the skillset to help you through this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tania,

wow….I am sooooo sorry! This is heartbreaking! To have such a wonderful connection and family unit feels so amazing, but then to have him dealing with this sex addiction is so hurtful and so sad. I am so sorry!

I am sorry to tell you that you cannot make anyone stop and addiction. Addictions need to be dealt with by the person themselves. He may not know the “why” behind what he is doing, but reality is, he is not doing anything to find out that answer. He is just letting it happen, despite the hurt he is causing you. It does not mean, on any level, that he doesn’t love you. It just means the addiction is stronger than his love for you. For now, he gets to have both, which is ideal for anyone who has an addiction. It means their addiction doesn’t really have any consequences, so why would he need to stop? Most of the time, people who have addictions finally do something about it when they are in enough pain or have experienced enough loss that they finally decide to get help.

Have you tried talking to him about getting help? It is a form of sexual addiction, so maybe there is a counselor nearby who could help him? Maybe any type of support group? Have you or him read any books on the topic? What attempts have been made to try to deal with this? How long has this been going on?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

There is nothing more shocking when your partner all of a sudden admits to not being happy when you thought everything was okay.

Were you happy? You said he was controlling and mean. Has this behavior shifted? Looking back, could you see that maybe he wasn’t happy and you just didn’t see it?

I have an incling to agree with you. Him pushing you to date or be intimate may be a projection. It wouldn’t surprise me if he were already intimate with someone else and is trying to feel better about it by asking you to do the same thing.

He is saying some pretty strong things to let you know he is just not interested anymore. That hurts so badly to hear things like that. Who knows what is REALLY going on as he is not really communicating much to you other than he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If it is ever going to change, it is really important for you to 2 things….give him space and not be as available and work on letting him go. When a man is being chased, he doesn’t really feel the need to put much effort in. When he the woman plays hard to get, so to speak, it activates his hunter instincts. I am not saying this will work with your guy. If he has another woman he is interested in, the odds are not working in your favor. But either way…I want to re-iterate what Kanya said earlier. It is sooooo important for you to know that you will be okay without him. If you do separate, your heart WILL heal and you will create a life separate than him and you CAN be happy….and most likely, you will be happier since your life will be much more peaceful. I suggest you really start to work on that aspect. Knowing that you can live life without him and knowing you are ARE worth loving, you ARE worth fighting for. When you know that, deep down (whether he chooses you or not) you will sense this and may end up really resopnding to your new confidence. He may end up respecting you more.

This is going to take a lot of time and there are no guarantees. All you can do is the best you know how and hope he responds. Since he admitted that he liked helping you, that may be a way to continue some type of connection. My guess is, over time, more truth will come out and you will start to gather more info as to what he is up to.

Be patient, really rely on your friends and family (maybe you can take a trip to see your family for a bit) and start to practice loving yourself more and more.

Have you read the Relationship Rewrite? There are some amazing tips in there that can help educate you as to how to be a better partner. Whether this works out or not, it’s wonderful information to learn and begin to practice and even teach your children as they get older.

How does all of this make you feel?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Any,

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalee,

Anyone in your position would be going nuts! It is incredibly difficult what you are choosing to do.

I”m going to be a bit tough here and I hope this is okay. My intention is to only help you connect to truth because from that space, it is much easier to heal and manage something as difficult as what you are doing. The truth is….he is not the one putting you and your kids through hell. You are. This is YOUR choice. The moment you blame him for your pain, that’s the moment you lose site of your own power in this situation.

You essentially have a few paths you could take: I know none of these choices feel good, but reality is, your marriage is on rocky grounds, so all your choices are going to suck….but they are choices none the less.

1. YOU decide. YOU decide that you no longer want to endure this torture and you cannot continue to wait for him to choose. So YOU set a time limit as to when he needs to choose by
2. You could leave and decide that it’s just not worth it anymore.
3. You stay and continue to live with anxiety, tears and an incredible amount of hurt on a daily basis in hopes that one day he will finally choose….and hopefully it’s you.

You are choosing option 3 because you feel like he is worth fighting for. That also means, you are going to be dealing with anxiety, hurt and rejection on a daily basis. He is being who he wants to be and will not budge until he is ready to budge. Who knows how long it will take. You are doing everything you possibly can, but the challenge here is….there is a deeper core problem going on here INSDIE OF HIM. You say you want him to realize he is putting you through hell. He has set his boundaries and doesn’t want to be pressured. So that means you now have to just sit and wait….because you are choosing to stay….it is just going to be hell and there is no way around it until he makes a decision one way or the other. You want him to care about how he is making you feel, but he just doesn’t for now. What he cares about more is his comfort level, not yours and that is a choice you are accepting of his since you want to stay in this design.

I know you want some type of something you can do or say to just help him so you don’t have to hurt anymore. It’s just not going to work that way. Something like this can take a lot of time….or maybe it will resolve sooner than later. Either way…it is just going to hurt in the process and there is no way around it. It would hurt anyone. Here is an analogy I like to use. You are walking along and all of a sudden fall into a snake pit. They bite and bite. There is a ladder there if you want to get out, but intsead, you want to stay. At the same time, you are wanting the snakes to care that they are biting you, but they are just being what they are. As long as you stay in that pit, it’s just going to hurt and they are going to keep biting. And that’s okay. Sometimes, that is just something we need to choose and not a single person can tell you when you are ready to leave that pit and create something different. So blaming him for hurting you is like you getting mad that those snakes are biting you, even though there is a ladder to get out and stop all of that. This is YOUR choice and it’s important for you to own that choice instead of looking to him to make you stop hurting. Embrace the full impact of what comes along with fighting for a man who just isn’t sure about you anymore. Embrace that it will hurt everyday. Embrace that you will feel anxiety every day. Embrace that you will feel rejection every day….embrace that it will just be like that until he chooses. And truth be told, even if he did end up choosing you, you really think your anxiety will go away? No way! It’s going to be there for awhile. It’s going to take time for him to build trust back up with you again. It’s going to take time for you to feel like he is committed to you vs. wanting to be with her. Even if he chooses you, he will still go to work everyday and be around her. You are going to have a very hard time with that and that is just part of the equation.

Another possibility is to just take yourself out of the equation. What if you asked him to move out for a month? Or maybe you moved out for a month. And then you can re-evalutate at the end of that time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. How will he know how much he misses you if you are always there chasing him and available. There is quite a sense of solidarity and security when someone is chasing you. The moment the chase stops, the person being chased all of a sudden doesn’t feel so secure anymore and many times will want that person back. If you take your energy away and disconnect for a short period of time, he may really realize how much you ARE a part of his life and he may really miss you. You are not saying that you are leaving….you are just saying you need to take care of yourself a little more. You are not doing it out of anger or frustration….you are doing it out of self love.

You can say something like: “I understand you don’t want pressure however, I don’t know that I can give you that space when I see you go off to work everyday where she is. Reality is, this is killing me inside and I can’t keep watching this or feeling like this every single day. So….how about you move out for a month. If you want to see me, you can initiate that. If you don’t, then you don’t. I am not going to put pressure on you anymore or try to convince you of what you are missing with me. I know I am worth fighting for. I know I am worth loving. I fully believe that you and I have something worth fighting for. If you don’t feel that way at the end of the month, then so be it. I did everything I knew how and I can walk away feeling good about that. If you do, then let’s make our relationship the best it’s ever been and fall madly in love all over again. I want to fight for you, but living in the same space, wondering if you are with her all the time….it’s hurting me beyond what you even know. So it’s time for me to protect myself a little bit. So if we are in separate spaces, I don’t have to wonder. And I think maybe you will have more space to breathe so you can figure out what you want.”

I know this is a long shot as I imagine you don’t even want to entertain this idea, but I thought I would throw it out there anyways.

So as you are choosing to stay, I still stand by what we both are saying to you. Take the focus off of her and start to find gratitude and appreciation for WHAT IS THERE. He has shown some response and improvement over time, so this is a sign that maybe he is softening towards you more. It may take a few more months or it may take a few more weeks to see more of this. Who knows…this is a super sticky and complicated situation. So….you are going to get hurt and feel that anxiety every single day. In the midst of that, you are also going to have to find our patience and continue to do what you are doing…keep giving him compliments, keep appreciating him, keep giving him space, keep getting help behind the scenes, don’t talk about the other woman and hope for the best.

I’m leary about talking about the future with him. He will percieve that as pressure and it sounds like that pressure makes him put walls up against you. You can try it once and see what happens though. You have nothing to really lose at this point. You could maybe say, “I really imagine that someday, all of this will be behind us. I believe we can be happy and madly in love! I want that for us.”

Please keep us updated and keep talking to us here. Maybe something we say helps you through this extremely difficult time. We really appreciate your vulnerability and desire to become a much better partner for your man. He is very lucky to have someone like you fighting for him!

Heidi

[Author]

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