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Hi Lauren,
I think it wouldn’t hurt to mention it to him. You can say something like, “Hey….plans are firming up for me to head to Europe in a few weeks and I’ll be gone awhile. You have gone silent and I debated whether to let you know or not. So here I am, letting you know. I would say yes if you invited me for a meetup somewhere. It’s up to you.”
Simple, short and sweet and it lets him know you are leaving, which might inspire him to reach out again. And at the very least, if he doesn’t respond….then it might help you create some closure when you return to Europe. Maybe at some point he will reach out again and you can decide if he is worth fighting for again.
And remember…EVERYONE comes to the table with baggage. He may be dealing with some fears that have nothing to do with you. All you can do is the best you know how and that’s it!
What do you think about saying that to him?
Heidi
Hi! What a great question. First of all…you are human and you were just trying to make him happy. Sometimes that is more important that what you want. No need to be sick about it. Each moment is different. The only reason you are sick is that you are judging yourself for making that decision. It’s totally okay! It’s all easily fixable and you were making that decision out of trying to not argue anymore and keep him happy. We all do that sometimes, even if it is out of character.
What I suggest is to have a conversation about why he doesn’t want you to go? What is he worried about? I would get really curious about what issues he is dealing with that is causing him to argue with you about your social life. He is having a very controlling reaction. We all control because we are afraid of something….so what is he afraid of?
You can simply say something like….”I understand your uncomfortableness with me going out. I can see the fear you are dealing with and I hope that at some point you will be willing to deal with that fear. You need to know that my social life is non-negotiable. It is a need of mine to stay connected to my friends and get out. I’m so so sorry that is a trigger for you. I hope you can still love me anyways. If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me. I would love to work through this WITH you. This part of my life is not going to change, so I would love to work through the fear WITH you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to help?”
So essentially, you want to validate his fear while still maintaining yourself. No need to argue. If someone keeps pushing against my boundaries, this is typically how I kindly remind them….Going back to your last situation, you could have said, “I hear that you are upset that I want to go….never the less, I am going.” The he might say something then you calmly say “Never the less….I am going” That statement, “never the less” can many times avoid an argument and keep bringing the other person back to what your choice is regardless of what they want from you. It’s an easy way to just stay calm and quiet and NOT arguing. If you don’t argue back, there is no argument. Even though he doesn’t get what he wants, it’s okay. He has a no sex rule that youa re accepting….you have a social rule that he needs to accept as well.
Lastly, forgive yourself. You gave your power away and it will happen again in your life. It may be out of character, but it’s a wonderful moment to learn about yourself! What was the core reason you gave your power away? How could you have handled that differently? How could you have avoided an argument? It’s just a wonderful moment for you to learn and grow…that’s it! No harm done at all! So be kind to yourself! You are just being human 🙂
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello Urietha!
Thank you for the update! It’s so interesting to me how religion can play such a strong role in governing someone’s life. It sounds like he has strong opinions about sex. He believes it is a sin to masturbate, yet he has seen you do it several times. Does this not bother him? Maybe he only comments on it and leaves it at that? I sometimes wonder whether it truly is someone’s belief or if they hid behind it. Again…the longer he spends “controlling” his sexuality, the harder it will be to undo that habit. Not that it isn’t possible, but it usually is not something that can switch on and off. Our sexual parts are like muscles and need to be worked in order to function well.
It sounds like you really have some thinking to do. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about it. If he is not willing to budge, then that means you have to compromise. It’s a very tough decision you have to make, especially when the other areas of your relationship are pretty great. I am also super happy to hear that you still create a life outside of him, despite his requests to not go. You are staying well connected to yourself throughout this process.
The hard part about this, is you don’t know when there is an ending. If he said, “let’s get married in 1 year” I’m sure you could find a way to endure abstinence until then. But there is no ending, so it makes it very difficult for the psyche to give something up without knowing further details.
I wish there were a magical answer. Either way you decide, you will just continue to gather more information to either continue on that path or decide to jump over to the other path. You are never stuck, no matter the path you choose.
We would love to hear more from you about what you are thinking and feeling about this if you want to share.
Good to hear from you!
Heidi
Hello Urietha!
Thank you for the update! It’s so interesting to me how religion can play such a strong role in governing someone’s life. It sounds like he has strong opinions about sex. He believes it is a sin to masturbate, yet he has seen you do it several times. Does this not bother him? Maybe he only comments on it and leaves it at that? I sometimes wonder whether it truly is someone’s belief or if they hid behind it. Again…the longer he spends “controlling” his sexuality, the harder it will be to undo that habit. Not that it isn’t possible, but it usually is not something that can switch on and off. Our sexual parts are like muscles and need to be worked in order to function well.
It sounds like you really have some thinking to do. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about it. If he is not willing to budge, then that means you have to compromise. It’s a very tough decision you have to make, especially when the other areas of your relationship are pretty great. I am also super happy to hear that you still create a life outside of him, despite his requests to not go. You are staying well connected to yourself throughout this process.
The hard part about this, is you don’t know when there is an ending. If he said, “let’s get married in 1 year” I’m sure you could find a way to endure abstinence until then. But there is no ending, so it makes it very difficult for the psyche to give something up without knowing further details.
I wish there were a magical answer. Either way you decide, you will just continue to gather more information to either continue on that path or decide to jump over to the other path. You are never stuck, no matter the path you choose.
We would love to hear more from you about what you are thinking and feeling about this if you want to share.
Good to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
Great information! Thank you!
I think it’s pretty wonderful that you guys were able to go on a hike and just talk and be like old friends again. The more experiences you have like that, the more the odds can be in your favor. Good for you for learning and practicing those techniques. And good for you for not pressuring him about the relationship.
You have 1 HUGE advantage over this other woman and that is, that you have a lot of memories with him. I’m curious….do you know what caused the spark to start to fade and be replaced by resentment? I’m thinking that those aspects may need some time to heal and that you have a plan as to how make sure that doesn’t happen again.
In your conversations with him, have you ever apologized for your limitations and blaming him in your mind? Something like, “I am learning so much about relationships right now because of our breakup. I really realized how i did …….. and how much that can cause damage. I am so sorry. I know I cannot change what happened, but I am waking up and know now. I just wanted to say that to you. I’m sorry I treated you that way.”
As to whether you spend more time or less time with him before Christmas…do you have a choice? I mean…is he willing to spend that time with you? If he is ready and willing, then I say go for it. Focus on the friendship, focus on creating a better bond and focus on the skills you are learning from the book. No need to talk about the relationship at all…unless he brings it up. It may take some time, but if you have patience and just let him go through this, it may bring him back sooner than later. In order for him to come back, he needs to know things will be different, so your job is to help him see you as a different person that will help create a much better environment for your relationship with him to flourish.
At the same time, NOT spending time with him can also work. “absence makes the heart grow fonder” right? If you are around a lot, he essentially is not experiencing what life is like without you. He won’t miss you, he won’t need to make much effort to connect all the while going away to a new woman. He gets his needs met with the deep connection he has with you then leaves to get the excitement of a new relationship. It’s kind of a pretty wonderful combo. So if you are less available NOT meeting those needs for a deep connection and friendship, then he will feel an absence and an emptiness…which many times can be a really great wake up call.
Whatever you choose to do…patience is the key. I think that no matter what you decide won’t matter. You have 9 years together so that is A LOT of history in your favor. You have more time when he comes back to continue working on this. I think it’s more about what you feel comfortable doing. If you pay attention to his signals and use your intuition and trust that part of yourself, you will know what the next step needs to be. And that may even change from day to day, so being fluid and flexible is good thing!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Minh! Holy smokes! What a COMPLETE shocker!!! I am so sorry to hear that B is making that kind of choice. I know it doesn’t make sense logically, but matters of heart are rarely logical and many times don’t make sense. The heart contains both the capacity to love deeply as well as hold onto wounds from the past that have created an incredible amount of hurt. The part of his heart behaving like this….is the part that is wounded. Who knows is he is really connected to that part of himself, but essentially, it is driving him to make some unhealthy choices.
The gift you can take from this, is to remember 2 main things of which you pointed out. That uneasy feeling….is VERY real! Whenever you feel that…don’t ignore it! At least give it enough credibility to explore and find out the truth. Sometimes it may be nothing and sometimes…like you just learned…it means a heck of a lot! Your intuition should always be a part of your relationships. Have you read the “Feminine Intuition” portion of the books? It talks all about that! The other aspect is that even though the illusion was an illusion, you got to momentarily feel what you want to feel like. It’s a wonderful guide to let you know what is possible!
I’m curious…how did you find out that he was married?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
This is WONDERFUL news!!! It sounds like you played this out really well. Your interaction was really healthy and fun…yes? What do you think helped the most to make that happen? It is really important for you to understand what shifted in YOU to bring out this side in him. You got what you needed from him and it sounds like he got what he needed from you. Do you know what that was for each of you?
We are soooo glad you trusted all of us to help you through this and that you got some good results so far!
Please keep us updated as to what transpires in your next meeting. You are doing such a wonderful job! You made my day!
Heidi
HI Purnima!
Wow! It sounds like you dodged a bullet! He is quite easily reactive from what it sounds like. My guess is, he got jealous when he saw another guy making you laugh and enjoy yourself. It activated a lot of his low self esteem and feeling bad about himself so he decided to throw a tantrum. When you asked him why he came if he didn’t want to be there…that type of question can put someone more on the defensive. You could say something like, “It seems like you are having a hard time right now. Is there anything I can do to help or would you like me to just leave you be?” That type of question is validating and can help soothe the emotional fire….sometimes. Bottom line though….you really handled the ending very gracefully and he sure is missing out on some happiness he could have had with you. He obviously is not ready to be happy and that’s okay.
How to behave now? It’s just going to take some time. You just be yourself and trust your intuition in the moment. If you have let this go and hold no grudge to him, then he won’t feel any angst from you which is the most important part. You being your happy, normal self is what is going to help things go back to normal OVER TIME. Each situation will be different, but using your gut to guide you as to whether to talk to him or not or even what to talk about….trust yourself. If he is miserable like he says….my guess is, when he sees you happy and not affected by the “break up” so to speak, it may cause him to hurt even more and maybe even snarky towards you. He will interpret your happiness as you not caring very much about him. This is not your job to fix, if he does treat you that way. Your job is to just stay grounded and centered in who you are and let him figure out his own pain. The more you try to fix any hurt he has, the more it will affect you in a draining type of way. So it’s just about you being you, caring and connective and also protecting your happiness if he starts to use that against you in some passive aggressive ways. Who knows…he might end up being totally cool about it.
Will you update us and let us know what ends up happening?
Heidi
Hi Alicia!
Thank you for writing in! This is the million dollar question isn’t it? Soooooo many times, the woman is wanting more effort and initiation from the man. I wish there were a black and white answer to this very common question, but each situation is very different. There are so many unique factors that influence why a man is behaving the way he is. Here are just a few:
1. he could have a lot of walls up caused from past pain, therefore he doesn’t put much effort into a relationship
2. he could feel smothered
3. he has other interests (other women he is dating as well)
4. his attention is focused more on work than a relationship
5. he is just not that into a girl to make more effort
6. he hates talking on the phone
7. he has no money so he can’t afford to take a girl out very often and that is embarrassing for himDepending on what is going inside his head / heart, the guidance we offer would change. If you were very needy (in his eyes), we would guide you to give him more space and let him chase you more. If he had no money, we would suggest to create opportunities, like picnics or hikes that can help bond the both of you. If he is seeing other women, we would suggest to start to tap into some of his intincts to catch his attention a little more.
Can you offer us more details as to what you think is going on in your situation? Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” That is a great place to start so you can understand more how a man works and what he responds to.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
What a great question!!! My best advice is to ask him just that….whenever you are trying to align with someone else’s vision (don’t lose your vision though) communication is soooooo important. Figuring out how to meet his family’s needs AND your own is a balancing act that is going to take a lot of work, but if you have someone who can talk through everything with you, is honest, is upfront, asks for help….it makes it much easier.You can maybe even suggest having a lunch 2x a month or something, where you only talk about your families. What IS working, what isn’t working and then how you both can support each other in the changes. This way, there is a designated time where you both can vent, appreciate and resolve anything that needs attention. It will also help him learn to be more honest with you. He, on one hand, said he was in for the long haul and now is leaving because he reached his limit. Part of that is his responsibility that he didn’t protect himself from reaching that limit. So having designated times and days where you both listen to each other, bond, appreciate and keep figuring out this puzzle….it will give him a specific time to say what he needs to say and have your listening ear.
Do you think he would be open to this??
Heidi
Oh Darci,
I am sooooo sorry to hear this. Going through a trauma like that has destroyed many relationships and leaves a trail of many, many emotional upsets. How was your relationship before it happened? Did you feel like you had a pretty wonderful relationship or did you feel like you had a lot of challenges?
His final message sounds pretty intense. My guess is, you made several attempts at trying to re-connect and he continually said no to you. I want to invite you to think about leaving him alone for now. The mis-carriage may have triggered some deep hurt or anger or something. I don’t know how exactly things ended for the both of you, but I do know that he would have a lot of unresolved feelings. Many times, men need to disconnect and go process everything on their own. The woman loves to connect and work through something whereas men like to disconnect and figure things out on their own typically. He has put up a pretty strong boundary. My guess is, the more you try to reconnect, the more angry he will become right now.
Maybe give it a month or 2 of no contact. Then you could try asking him to help you with something and see what happens.
Do you have anyone you could talk to that has the ability to help you through this time? It’s awful! You lost your baby and now you have lost your guy. Those are some HUGE losses. I have no doubt you so full of a many many painful emotions right now. Is there a coach or therapist you could talk to? I am so sorry Darci!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
You are asking some great questions! LDRs are super tough. He may just be one of those people that does not do distance very well. I personally am one of those people. I have had best friends, boyfriends etc. that once we moved away from each other….I was just HORRIBLE at keeping in touch. I cannot stand to talk on the phone and text messages are just plain limiting. It had NOTHING to do with my lack of interest in other people….I just know that I am sooooo much better at relationship when in person.
Have you talked to him about it yet and told him how you feel? You can keep it super light and an easy conversation. You can say something like, “I’ve really noticed that since we moved apart, I am making a lot of effort to stay connected and initiating conversations. You are super wonderful at responding, so it makes me wonder….are you just not a very good long distance type of person? Maybe you don’t like to talk on the phone? Or maybe its an out of site out of mind kind of thing for you. Will you help me understand your experience so far?”
My personality is very direct though. If I have a question, I ask it. However, there is an art to asking a question in a way that makes the person feel inspired and willing to answer openly vs. getting defensive and skeptical. The idea is, you want to make him feel like you are asking a question because you are curious and wanting to learn about him vs. making it feel like there could be a potential argument.
If this is not your style, LDRs tend to need A LOT more patience and a lot more connection. For men, I have found that their need for connection with their woman is sooooooo much less compared to the woman’s need to connect. So be patient. For now, he is still very responsive to your initiations. If he was kind of like that anyways when you lived in the same space, he just may be someone who has a lower need for connection. I have also found that many guys prefer getting know a woman through experiencing vs. asking a lot of questions. LDRs are just that….a lot of talking and questions to get to know each other. It just may not be his particular style of how to get to know someone. One way you can tell is that when you were together….did he ask you a lot of questions? Did he frequently initiate conversation or were you the driver in that department as well?
One thing you can start doing is talking about the future with him in super small, flirty ways. For example, “You know I went shopping today and got some black lacey lingerie that I would love to wear for you sometime.” or “I saw this hotel and went in and saw their lobby has this HUGE fireplace. I imagined you and I sitting there, drinking a glass of wine, talking for a few hours, then heading up to our room to finish off the night with……” When you get flirty and start to throw some of that sexual/sensual energy towards him, that can definitely ignite the fire in a man to want to make some plans. I don’t know what your sexual relationship is like, but keeping that alive somehow, can help keep inspire his mind and body to stay connected to you.
Maybe you could throw out some ideas of doing a mini vacation with him somewhere half way. You can say, “Hey…I got a Friday off. What do you think about a mini vaca at …..” I know that is you initiating, but for right now…and maybe even for awhile longer, you may need to be the main one keeping your relationship running. It sounds like he is worth it to you and it is only temporary. The more you can build memories with each other, the easier it will be to keep things going.
You can send him care packages….maybe a box of his favorite snacks, a book he likes, a nice shirt (that he will think of you every time he wears it) maybe some cologne….idk….just small things that lets him know you are thinking of him.
My instinct though….is that you are just gonna have to be okay with him not initiating as much as you. At least for right now. Your relationship was still very new and didn’t have a lot of time to build a foundation before you parted ways. Patience is a KEY quality in LDRs. Men and women operate much differently, so maybe work on NOT interpreting his lack of initiation as meaning anything other than him being a typical guy. With that being said….it also wouldn’t hurt for you to back off sometimes. Disconnect and let him feel the loss of you. Let him miss you and feel the need to reach out to you. If you pull back once in awhile and let him take the lead, it may get your needs met enough to carry you through for awhile.
I gave a lot of ideas…..which one resonates most with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
It is important for him to see changes of course. It’s also important for him to communicate his needs to you as well. Did he just break up with you and you were surprised? You did not see this coming at all? It always takes 2 to tango. If he was unhappy, it’s his responsibility to let you know that. If he did and you still chose to ignore it or you did not listen very well, then this is a good wake up call for you. I love the Relationship Rewrite Methods. Lots of great stuff in there! You can also look at http://www.gottman.com. He has some incredible advice as well for couples. TONS of blogs to read and lots to learn!
I’m wondering if there is a deeper pattern here that you may not be aware of….maybe he is the kind of guy who tends to run from problems and is not very good about setting boundaries or asking for what he needs. Do you know this about him at all? Has that pattern shown up in past relationships, in work, with his family etc.?
When you see him, it’s a great idea for you to acknowledge his feelings and appreciate him for what he did try to do to help. Kanya’s example was great! There is no harm in you suggesting for another meetup. You can always say something like, “I get you want to end things. I however, believe you are worth fighting for. I want some time to learn how to be a better partner for you. Would you be willing to still talk once a week just for a month and see how you feel then? If that’s not comfortable for you, maybe we can meet up in a few months again? I am not expecting any promises or have any expectations other than hoping you keeping an open mind. What do you think?”
How does that make you feel saying it like that?
Heidi
Hi Smith,
It sounds like you guys get along super well! That’s a wonderful start! The thing is, when you create a FWB from the beginning, it is the IDEAL situation for a guy….he gets to have sex all the time and be friends but also have the freedom to explore. Setting up a situation like that can create a certain mindset in the guy that he doesn’t have to take that girl very seriously.
The challenge then becomes when one person starts to want more from the relationship. You want to change the design and that can be a bit difficult for a guy who has been getting his cake and eating it too! Now…you are asking him to give up his freedom. He may not be ready for that…who knows. It may take a little time for him to adjust to the idea.
What’s important is that you get very clear as to what you want from him. If you are no longer willing to sleep with him, but interested in still being friends, then let him know that. It sounds like him talking to you about other women is something you just cannot handle because you have stronger feelings for him. So it’s important you protect yourself and set up a boundary of not talking about those things.
It also sounds like he may respond super well to be rejected. I am guessing you are that girl that he can always depend on, so maybe start with becoming less available and creating a way for him to chase you. There are a lot of ways you can do that, so how you go about it depends on what feels comfortable for you. Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” There are some awesome guidelines in there that can help you understand how to activate certain primal instincts in a man. You can play hard to get mixed with activating his hero instinct. That can be a pretty powerful combination.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Susie,
How confusing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you offer a little more information? Is it a normal pattern for him to disconnect when you guys have an argument? Is there anything that you can think of that would cause him to go cold for a 2nd time? How long were you guys re-connected for before he went cold again?
What have you currently tried? Have you tried talking to him and he just isn’t responding? Is there any communication at all? It sounds like the no contact rule worked really well before. How do you feel about trying that again?
Heidi
