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Hi Gael,
Thank you for joining us and letting us know about your situation. It’s a tough one for sure. I am glad you are honoring who you are by admitting that being friends would hurt too much for you right now. I still have some hope though. It sounds like you guys had an incredible connection! But what is happening is that your speeds differ at the moment. You are ready for something deep and connective while he is trying to figure out his life with this new job transition.
What I like to tell people that are moving at different speeds is to work with themselves first. You have a need and expectation. Can you work with some of those emotions you are having? He sounds wonderful, but does not have much time to offer you. What if you took the perspective of…”He seems like a great guy to get to know. I WANT to develop a friendship first and really get to know him as my friend BEFORE I really let him into my heart.”
If I told you that in 6 years you and him would be married and have an incredible life together, would you feel the need to have more time with him NOW or disconnect because he wants to just be friends??? My guess is, if you new you were going to end up together anyways, you would be totally okay with taking your time and appreciating what he CAN give you vs. what he can’t give you right now. That is why I am encouraging you to maybe work on your expectations and needs. Is there a way for you to be totally happy and content with a friendship with him? ABSOLUTELY!!!! You just have to work on letting go of the hurt and rejection and re-adjusting your expectations to meet him where he is at right now. And as you develop a friendship with him, you still keep your options open as well and still live your life. I personally feel the very best relationships occur after a really strong friendship has been built.
What do you think? Can you work through the hurt first and then find a place to have a new friend in your life?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Give him a little time. I understand your hurt feelings for sure! However, you don’t know what has happened. Maybe he lost his phone? If he has been around his mother the past 3 days, you never know what she could be pressuring him to do and feel. She could have even hid his phone for all you know. He may be just waiting until he can get away from her. Keeping the peace with her may be more important than sending you a quick text or call.
Just wait and work through your hurt feelings so that when he does contact you, you are not angry at him. Your connection will be much more healthy that way. It’s a general rule of mine to control my emotional reactions until I know the FULL truth. Otherwise, they are just stories we are making up in our minds and that cause us to spin out of control and make decision based on NOTHING. And I would hate to see you get all upset about something that may not even be necessary. He may have a really good reason for not contacting you right now.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Minh!
So the heart is where we feel the extremes of emotion and everything in between. Our heart loves and our heart hurts and it has the ability to feel those opposite emotions at the same exact time. When someone carries hurts from their past around (what we refer to as “baggage”), it influences their ability to love. A part of them will want to love deeply and connect, yet another part of them (the part carrying the baggage) will be completely against it. We all have these sides to us to varying degrees. Whatever side is the biggest and strongest, is the one that eventually wins out….however sometimes, the part that wants to love will find an opportunity for that and will get a chance in the driver’s seat for awhile…but eventually the wounded part (who is being a back seat driver) will not let that part continue down the path of deep connection. So the wounded part will get back into the driver’s seat and create all kinds of chaos so as to prevent getting any closer or deeper to feeling love. The wounded part does not trust love. love = hurt whereas the healthier part that wants to love feels love = deep connection. Someone who is really wounded and has never taken the path of healing, will believe more than anything that love = hurt. It doesn’t mean they won’t love or get married….it just means their experience of love will be quite limited and many times will be quite chaotic.
Does this make more sense??
Heidi
This is a tough one Sarah. Finding that balance is quite tricky. The tricky part is to not fall into the pattern of being the only one that initiates all the time. I want you to really think about yourself in this too. I know you want him back, but I also don’t want you to lose yourself in the process. If you are the only one doing all the work to keep this going…eventually that can become unhealthy for you. just keep yourself in mind while you are going through all of this. It’s not okay for you to be the ONLY one doing all of the work to keep this going. It’s exhausting all the energy you are putting into this with little in return and that’s where you have to be careful. You are so focused on getting him back, it’s very easy to lose yourself, your needs, your attention to your own life. In order to keep YOURSELF healthy, remember to pay attention to yourself too and not spend all your energy trying to figure out the balance of you and him. It will help this whole process go much more smooth!
Not sure if this makes sense or if you are already taking good care of yourself….just thought it would be a good reminder for you!
Heidi
and deal with the hurt that comes with that loss and then rebuild your life in a design that supports what you really want.
If you choose to stay, the danger is in losing parts of yourself more and more over time and will take much longer for you to find yourself again….that’s the risk you are taking by staying….the risk you are taking by leaving is that maybe he would be someone who is willing to change and design a different relationship with you.
Looking at if from those perspectives, does that bring any more clarity for you?
Heidi
Hi Lori,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s tough. You are married yet don’t really have a husband who is present and willing to grow and develop a relationship with you.
You are asking a really hard question. No one can tell you what to do, but maybe if I give you some thoughts about what could happen in either direction, it may shine some light for you.
First, no matter what you decide to do, you will be okay. A lot of times, a person will make a decision out of fear…maybe fear of being alone, maybe fear of rejection, maybe fear of failure….so if you can remind yourself that whether you stay or go, you will figure it out and be okay. Each path has different consequences to it, so it really comes down to what path will nourish your soul and help you become the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE. When you are your best person…happy, joyful, kind, giving etc….you help the people around you, you create a positive environment around you and you end up really loving life…and that’s a pretty wonderful feeling! This is what most people really are after in their lives….
So if you stay and apply techniques and really work towards improving your marriage, you have a tough road ahead of yourself, but maybe no impossible. He is the wild card in this. He may never change or he may not. If he does not change, no matter what YOU do to become a better partner, you will still end up feeling quite alone, rejected and misunderstood. It’s important for BOTH people to grow together, learn the same types of techniques / language etc. if change is going to be effective. If he IS willing to change, then that means you both probably need some help to work through this together….maybe go to a couples retreat, read through books together, work on improving communication etc. The challenge here is, it sounds like he wants to stay in China and doesn’t really plan to come home. He did decide to move there despite how it made you feel, so I imagine he will also choose to stay, so reality is, unless you actually move there or he moves back…I’m not sure the relationship could really work. Maybe you decide to work on this longer to fight for him and just gather more information as to how he responds to you, how you respond to him etc. Then you can decide at that point.
If you decide to leave, then you have the challenges of the separation. It’s a whole new life you have to create. It’s rough in the beginning, but the advantage you have is that you have kind of already been alone for awhile. It sounds like you are really seeing how much you did not like how the marriage operated before. So you could decide you no longer want to be in that type of relationship.
Hi Sarah!
Wow! A lot has happened! I am wondering if his mother is influencing him a lot with how he thinks about you. If she is a jealous woman, any woman coming into the picture would have a challenge. If she is sending a “goodbye” email, he must have been talking to her about you. I don’t know…it’s all speculation of course. Do you feel like she has quite a big influence on him? If his mom is not happy about you in his life, he will be feeling a TON of pressure from her which is maybe part of why he is disconnecting at again right now. You received an email from her right around the same time you felt him disconnect again, yes? Just something to think about.
Have some patience. If you were able to get him to connect again and have some fun with you, then you can do it again. Your best bet is to be as relaxed as possible about everything. Let him pick the date for a meeting. There is no need for you to do anything. Let him take the lead. As long as you both are still connecting, laughing and having fun, then you are heading in the right direction. It takes a lot of time to build up trust and that is what you are doing right now. If you let him go at his speed without adding in pressure at all, then he will be much more inspired to give you what you want. It is not SOLEY your job to maintain this. He has to put some effort in as well…it sounds like he is responding to you, but maybe not the extent that you want. That’s okay. Having patience and accepting what IS happening will bring you the most peace about how things are right now. Your goal is to show him that you have changed, you are easy and fun to connect with and that you support him where he is at right now. If you end up hitting a point where it’s just too much emotional work for you, then we can talk about it then, but for now….don’t give up quite yet.
Hang in there and give him more time and keep doing what you are doing! WAIT UNTIL HE RESPONDS to your text. it’s okay that it’s been 24 hours. That’s not that long actually. He will respond at some point and when he does, be happy and light about it!
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
That’s so interesting! I am going to look him up. There is such a thing as sexual addiction that can play out in that form. There is addiction to risk, there is addiction to drama, there is addiction to entertainment….if you really look at life in general, we are all addicted to many things, but I suppose it would depend on what someone defines as an addiction. Thank you for sharing. I am curious now.
Lastly, I have a feeling that all of your research is coming from a place of fear. Fear you are going to get hurt. I want to encourage you to maybe let this go. The more you research, the more it can get in the way of your ability to just be present with him and who is right now. By researching, you are trying to learn about his PAST and at present, that is not who he is anymore. If you were researching purely out of curiosity, that is different. When fear is involved, it can change the dynamic. So as long as fear of getting hurt is present in your heart and that is what is driving you to research, then I want to invite you to work on your fear. Reality is, ANYBODY is a risk. Reality is, he will hurt you and you will hurt him….falling in love is scary and painful and wonderful all at the same time. I know you want to make a “smart” decision, but the best way you can do that is to not let fear get in the way of how you move forward with him. Just somethings to think about. I may be way off, so just ignore me if I am.
Please keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Uzoma!
I’m so glad you both are re-connecting again and working through this together. There are more sticky spots coming up, but every relationship has those. The VERY BEST way to prepare for those is to understand his immediate response will probably be to put a wall up and disconnect even though it is not what he really wants. So having patience when he does this is important. It can help build trust between the 2 of you.
Of course baggage is going to affect the relationship. You BOTH bring baggage to this experience and that’s okay! It’s a matter of working through it in a healthy way. The more you guys can talk about it, not blame each other, have compassion for the wounds….it’s workable. And in between when arguments show up, it’s important to put money in the “soul” bank. Meaning, you are appreciating each other, you are bonding, you are supportive of each other….so when something hard does show up, you both have a solid foundation of love and connection to support you guys.
Thank you for the update! Please keep letting us know how you guys are doing. And we definitely are interested in what happens with his ex. If you need to come back here and vent, that’s okay! We are here for you! It sounds like you have a connection worth fighting for, so use us as a support system!
Heidi
Hi Uzoma,
Wow! A lot has really happened.
I’m going to try to keep it very simple for you. He is split. He has one part of him wanting a healthy and loving relationship with you and another part of him who is trying to master something through his ex. For example, I have seen kids totally reject the mom who was always there for them all the while they chase after the dad who was never there. It’s way too complicated to explain the depths of what is happening, but essentially the person who does the rejecting ends up activating a lot of low self esteem in their victim. That low self esteem then strives to get their acceptance because if they finally accept them and not reject them….THEN they are worth it….THEN they are worth loving and fighting for. So essentially, your guy’s self esteem is partly wrapped up in his ex. If she finally is giving him attention and what he always wanted, then he will be drawn back to her. He is still not resolved or moved on from her AND he really cares about you too. Therefore….he is split.
This is where you have a tough decision to make. If he is not willing to really let go of his ex, then that means you either accept that and let it be, or you set a boundary.
Maybe before you do that, have you guys ever talked about it calmly? Have you ever asked him how he is REALLY feeling about BOTH of you and how it makes him feel to connect with BOTH of you at the same time? It might be an interesting, open conversation where there could be some resolution somehow. If you go into it with the mindset of curiosity….calm, interested in how he is feeling, creating a safe space for him to be honest with you…..maybe you will get more information to help you know what you feel comfortable doing next.
You could say something like, “I missed you terribly. My life is better with you in it and I want to keep going in that direction, but there is something that is stopping me and I need your help. I need, more than anything right now, for you to be totally and completely honest with me….and with that honesty, I am really interested in finding a solution somehow that works for both of us. What do you think is really going on that you need to talk to your ex. Do you not feel full and complete with just me in your life? Even if you don’t have romantic feelings for her, it just seems there is something unresolved. Reality is, it’s uncomfortable for me and yet at the same time, I don’t want to stop you from resolving whatever you need to with her. It will help me if you can explain a little more so maybe I can understand better and find more patience….I don’t know. Are you willing to work through this with me?”
Maybe go out to dinner and feel fabulous too. It helps to be in a romantic setting and in public so it keeps BOTH of you on your best behavior when talking about something like this.
How does this idea strike you?
Heidi
Hi Purnima!
Thank you for the update. You sound very grounded and about as peaceful as you can be as you slowly start to let go of someone. Of course you are going to miss him! But like you are saying, you are getting used to the no contact and embracing the idea of not prostrating yourself to him. He will never have respect for you because someone who does that does not have much respect for themselves. When you treat yourself with love and respect, you will naturally attract people that treat you in the exact same way.
What an interesting story about your “date!” It sounds like a good idea for you and you seem to be in a very good mindset. It’s a very neutral mindset that is accepting of whatever ends up happening. Doesn’t it feel wonderful????
PLEASE let us know how it goes!!!!
I wish for many blessings to come your way through this season!!!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
I want to be more clear…I didn’t mean that you give him space….I meant that it’s good to give him time. There is a big difference. Giving time means that you are still really involved but putting your needs for “something more” from him on the backburner for now. Focusing on the present moment and appreciating what he IS giving you and having that satisfy you, is what will make him feel like you are giving him the time that he is asking for. Does that make sense?
So you want to say something to the affect of “things seemed to have changed….” What I am curious about is how did it come about that he said to you that he needed “time?” What were you guys talking about at the time that inspired him to say that to you?
If a guy has said that….he is letting you know he is not ready for anything really serious….and asking him the “things seemed to have changed….” question is a more serious type of question and maybe not the best thing to ask him right now….that’s why I am wondering what you were talking about when he said that to you.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for all your feedback! It kind of changes all the advice I gave….lol!
In regards to your question, yes it can be THAT addictive BUT just like anything of that nature, there is a spectrum. It can be addictive on many different levels just like drugs or alcohol. So if he were addicted, you would be dealing with someone as if they were in remission so to speak and there would need to be a full blown plan of how to support them and help them heal.
So the answer you need is more from him. I don’t know his reasons for choosing to participate in that. The hard part is, it sounds like it was also a community of friends and giving up that lifestyle means not being likeminded with those people anymore. There is going to be a lot of loss he will be dealing with as he experiences a different design with you. After he adjusts to a different type of lifestyle, he may end up really liking himself and how he feels with you and then not really missing the swinging….it still all goes back to the “why”. Why did he get involved in that? There may be some deep wounds that drove him in that direction or maybe he was just curious one day and somehow got deeper and deeper into it. If his choices were driven by deep wounds and he never really resolved them….then I would say to be cautious as those wounds will manifest ALWAYS in some form or another until he deals with them….and so the swinging thing may end up showing up again.
I know this wasn’t a direct answer, but maybe a path for you explore? Let me know!
Heidi
Hi Miss P,
Wow….he turned the tables on you eh? Pretty tricky of him! That is unfortunate because he is not really showing you that he is interested in participating in a design that you BOTH get your needs met. It sounds like he is only interested in YOU making HIM feel comfortable instead of him taking responsibility for himself.
Of course he is fearful. Maybe jealous, but definitely fearful. The more someone tries to control, the more they are fearful. If there were no fear, then control would not need to exist. He is afraid of being hurt in some way or another. Fear activate control so that the person doesn’t have to feel hurt or pain. He did a very narcissistic type of thing by blaming you instead of really listening to what you were saying. Are you sure you want to participate in this?
Is he really worth fighting for? He is showing you that he is not willing to take responsibility for his feelings and he expects YOU to change so he can feel better in his life. This type of mindset leaks out everywhere and the longer it goes on, the more you will disappear in the relationship because he won’t validate YOUR experience. Just something to think about.
There is no arguing with someone who has that mindset. The most you can do is manage the situation. You just simply say, “I hear you and how you feel. Never the less, I am still going to have my social life. If this is something you are not willing to deal with, then you have a choice to make.”
I would also be VERY careful with the information you do give him. Requiring that you tell him where you are and when you’ll be home puts him in the role of being like your father. He is wanting that information so he can control the situation as much as possible. He is not wanting that information for your safety….fear is driving him. It would not surprise me if this escalated over the years to where he ends up showing up where you are and at the very least, have continued arguments about all of this….because it isn’t over. He will still fight you about it. You can let him know things like, “I’m going out with my friends tonight. Not sure what we are doing yet, but I promise I will text you when I get home so you know I’m safe.” or “I’m heading out to the Tavern tonight to meet some friends. I’ll text you when I get home.” DO NOT give him the time you will be home. You never know how the night will unfold and he may get super upset if you don’t make it home by the time you said AND it puts pressure on you as if you have a curphew….go live your life and just let him know when you arrive home.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It sounds like you know what works well for him. If he still feels like he hasn’t quite “made it” yet, that can be a HUGE distraction for a guy. Unfortunately, if he has had very little validation in his life, he may never feel like he has “made it” and will constantly be in pursuit of something more.
I think if you just open the conversation again and keep things light and easy, that will give him the space to work through stuff, all the while you are building friendship with him. The more he feels your patience, the odds are, the more he will want to give you at some point. If the timing isn’t right for now, then focus your attentions elsewhere in the dating world…. but you can still keep connection with him but with very little expectation. Then at some point, when he is ready, the timing could work out just right and you both can fully experience each other again!
It’s time to move on, but it doesn’t mean you have to let him go completely….it just means you give him what he needs…which is time…and if that means you want to wait this out, then that is your choice….just keep building that friendship! If you want to go out dating and still continue having experiences for yourself, then do that! It really is up to you and how YOU want to handle this. He is clear that he needs some time, so now you get to decide what works for you now.
Does this makes sense?
Heidi
