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Hi Kristine,
Oh wow! I am so sorry you are having to go through this! Of course you are devastate and want to fix everything with him.
Would you mind sharing more details? What happened that is causing him to disconnect? Is this a normal pattern for you guys? You have been together a very long time, so I’m curious if this is a new thing or have you guys broken before? you guys were not living together….I’m curious, that after 9 years, why not?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
What a great update! Thank you!
You are correct in your thinking…DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING about it! So what if he is ambivalent…you are too! One day you are really connected and wanting to fight for him and the next, you are thinking about letting him go. You guys have a lot of push / pull going on and that’s okay! Sometimes it really helps to stop that push/pull by NOT questioning or analyzing every little piece of it. With this particular aspect, leave it alone and just let him give you the gift. Don’t try to figure out all the underworkings of it….as it will ruin your ability to fully receive what he has to offer.
I think it’s a GREAT idea to connect for a few hours and let him send you whatever he has for you and then you delete him again until your tests are over. When someone has a gift, they DON”T want to wait to give it! Making him wait a few weeks to give it to you can cause the energy and excitement for him to fade. So I think your idea is a perfect compromise!
How do you feel about that?
Heidi
Hi Jaynella,
I am so sorry for the hurt and loss you are having to deal with right now. Would you mind sharing more details? You were together 10 years then got separated and all of a sudden he has disconnected and has a new girlfriend. IS that correct?
Are you guys far away from each other? How do you know he is with another woman if he isn’t talking to you? What kinds of things has he said to you about breaking up? Was there a complaint that he had? Is this a normal pattern for him to disconnect with you when he is upset?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
It’s interesting reading about the progression of your situation. It sounds like you are really learning a lot and seeing different results.
I want to encourage you to be a bit more flexible in this process….meaning “He likes me or he doesn’t.” I wish everything were that black and white…and sometimes it absolutely can be. It doesn’t feel so simple with your situation. For example, when he reached out asking “favorite commercial” your feelings of annoyance and your thinking that he is disinterested is not at all how I would interpret that. I would interpret that as that he IS interested. He is reaching out and connecting with you. You guys needs to build a friendship right? And it’s those kinds of questions anyways, that are BEST for texting. They are serious, they are light, fun and a great way to get to know someone a little better. He is making and effort and that in and of itself is letting you know there is SOMETHING there for him to reach out to you.
The other side to this, is the when you start to act more platonic with him, it’s natural for a guy to pull away. A guy needs encouragement and signals to put himself out there a bit more. So although you are not chasing him, which is great, it’s also important to continue to flirt with him and keep putting out the energy that you are interested and you will say yes when he asks. A guy wants to know that if he is going to put himself out there and risk with a lady, the odds are in his favor…and that’s where we have to send the signals to encourage that from him.
So why not experiment a bit and get a little flirty and see what happens. It may take a few times, but you may find that it shifts his response to you to be more flirty in return and start the fire again between you guys.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Lynn!
I am so sorry about your mom. I believe that losing someone is one of the hardest things to go through. I am so glad you are feeling good again for right now and I have no doubt it is helping your spirit heal. Please keep us updated and let us know any other questions you have. We want to know!!!
Heidi
Hi Joseline!
I am so sorry! I know how shocking, devastating and hurtful this is!!!
My best guess is, he is ashamed and REALLY struggling with feeling like a man because he cannot provide for you….it goes against his machismo to have the woman provide. He could be terrified to be in love or even be loved if he is not able to provide for his lady and that feels like disaster for a man! That is a man’s CORE place that he gets his self esteem from….his ability to produce. It’s just how they are wired…there is not right or wrong about it….it just is. I know that any guy I have ever dated that was not secure in his job or what he was doing in his life…dating him was disaster! They can’t focus, they are not very available emotionally, they are constantly stressed and they just can’t think about the relationship. I know you feel that everything was going brilliantly. I am guessing though, that underneath everything, he was hiding his challenges and not wanting you to know about them. Then when you mentioned that study….my best guess is, it probably triggered all that stuff he’s been holding in and his low self esteem that is very present in his mind.
Also understand that even though you lived together so quickly and spent all that time together, the relationship is still very new. 5 months is not that long to know someone, so there may be some underlying issues he has never shared with you….or maybe didn’t want to stress you out about, so he hid that part of himself from you.
Those are my best educated guesses from what you have told me. For now, it’s important that you take a deep breathe and slow things down for a bit. Give him the space he needs. I’m glad to hear you guys are still talking…that’s a good sign!
I want you to focus on just keeping things light. The more you ask for him to come back or challenge him, the more he most likely will build more walls. The sooner you accept his choice and act like you accept it, then it will help build trust….you can really work on continuing to build your friendship. Give it time…when you keep bonding as friends, it’s a great way to continue getting to know each other without all the pressure he might have felt. I know how difficult this will be. You can occasionally ask him for help to activate his her instinct and you can throw in compliments here and there, letting him know the things you appreciated about him. My guess is, once he feels like his life is in order, his spirit will open back up again. Make it a rule to stay away from the “love” topic. He needs to be the one to say it first….when he is ready….that way, it will be him that is choosing to take things to the next level because he is ready for it and being the leader in the relationship….you just follow his lead and match him where he is at. It helps a man to feel like he is the caretaker in his own way.
What do you think?
heidi
HI Mitzi,
Lol! You sound super happy and that is so wonderful! I’m glad you are getting to have this experience with him!!!
I want to encourage you to take this slow. He is your boss and that is a VERY TRICKY road to travel down with someone. For now, I would recommend to focus on developing the friendship, really watch him and his patterns and make sure that this guy is worth giving your heart to. You don’t know him very well….you don’t know the intimate details of his personal life, what he’s like when he is angry and hurt by you, what he is like around friends etc. I know it’s wonderful with him AND it’s important not to lose yourself with this guy until you know that your heart is safe in his hands…..the first thing to look for is patterning. he distanced for a bit and then re-connected…so you want some time to make sure he can sustain that connection.
The best way to keep this guy’s attention is to play hard to get. You want to flirt and be available AND you want to make sure you are not so available that he can have you whenever he wants. He needs to hear you say “no” to him (even though it will be extremely difficult to do) but the result of you “no” can definitely trigger his need to chase you. If he feels that he doesn’t really have to “earn” you and that you are wrapped around his finger….it’s one of the fastest ways to lose his respect and attention. He may eventually end up losing interest. So keep all those amazing feelings inside yourself and protect them…..spend more and more time together and see how he responds to that….let him initiate MOST of what you guys do. Let him be in the driver’s seat. Then….after some time, when and if your relationship goes deeper, THEN you can start to share your feelings more and more. For now, keep is light and fun and easy as if you had 10 other guys waiting for you.
Does this make sense?? I’m excited for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I am so sorry you are going through this! It doesn’t feel good at all, to be belittled and criticized. Is this normal for him to talk to you this way?
What’s your history? How long have you been together with him? Were you in a committed relationship or just dating? How long has it been since he distanced himself? Do you have any idea why he might be distancing? More details can help us guide you better as to your current situation.
Heidi
Hi Khadijah!
Thank you for writing in! Most of us ladies know exactly what you are going through! We have all done it! You did it because it felt so good and you haven’t felt that good in a loooong time! I don’t know many people who would be able to resist a tall drink of clean, fresh water when they have been living in the dessert for a long time without water! Be kind to yourself. It’s important to not wish for anything different than what has happened. Whether you had sex or not, my guess is, it might not have really changed anything.
This is an educated guess, but maybe he is just in a different place than you are. He was married 25 years and probably just wants to date and not get into any kind of relationship again. Of course he felt good with you, or he would not have invited you over….with that being said, I imagine he also has a lot of walls up. The more responsive the woman is, my guess is, the less he will respond because he wants to keep things light and easy. He most likely just wants a friends with benefits kind of situation. He may just want to date several different type of women and just relax and play around.
You, on the other hand, are REALLY liking him and immediately went into the possibility of a relationship in your mind after the first date. What I want you to think about and have in the forefront of your mind…is that just because you feel good with a man, he still needs to earn the right to be in your life. He needs to build trust, he needs to show consistency, good communication etc. It’s important that you really take things slow and be very cautious. You want to watch for a man’s words and actions matching each other. You want to look for integrity. All of that takes some time….and I imagine he may be in a space of just being easy and not expecting much.
I’m so glad you got to feel that with him though! Doesn’t it feel so wonderful???? It’s important to know that is still possible inside of yourself right? That’s great! Yes, there is a way to possibly salvage it, but it’s important for you to know your limitations.
Because you have a desire for a deeper connection with him, maybe it will help if you just take a step back, keep things SUPER light and easy and fun, do not expect very much from him AND keep dating other people.
As you date, you will get to know yourself and experience all of kinds of things you like and don’t like. It’s important for you to get very clear as to your boundaries and what feels okay for you and make sure you stick to those standards and boundaries. If you felt okay about having wonderful sex with this guy…then let it be okay!!! But it is also important to understand he may be doing that with more than 1 woman at the moment. So this is where you have to be clear so you honor your heart. For me, if I choose to be intimate with someone, it’s only under the agreement that we are monogamous. I do not feel okay being intimate with a man who is doing that with others, nor me doing it with more than one person. That’s the phase I am currently in. 10 years ago, I was different and that kind of thing didn’t really bother me much. So that’s where it’s important for you to get clear about what feels okay for you!
As far as getting his attention again, is there anything you guys talked about that he may respond to? For example, maybe you both like certain types of movies….you could text and say….hey..this movie is out and I am going on Thursday night to see it. Wanna join? Or maybe there is a museum you could go to…is there any kind of activity that would remind him of your conversation? You could also activate his hero instinct. Is there anything you could ask him for help with…even if you don’t technically need the help?? Something to make him want to help you….Keep your texts short, light, easy and NO FEELINGS!!! The moment he feels anything like that from you, for right now, may hinder him from responding. You want to appear like it’s not big deal and you have a choice of many men.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Well done with your communication and your letting him know how you felt! I know that was not easy! And he did give a pretty great apology. I get why you would doubt him. It was disrespectful what he did. I’m glad he validated and recognized that!
Have you guys talked about the “status” of your relationship? If you are just getting to know each other still, then him connecting with other women is normal…unfortunately it is going to bring up a lot of your fears and I get that. Maybe it’s good time to really look at those and face them! If not now, then when? It’s great timing! Your fears will never go away unless you deal with them. They will ALWAYS get in the way, one way or the other. I understand that you don’t want to feel insecure, but it you want to grow and feel more solid in yourself and have less fear, this is a great path you are on!
For now, it’s great that you have your flags up! I’m not so sure it’s time to jet yet, but that is really up to you It takes time to build trust and safety with each other. He introduced you to his kids which is a pretty big gesture! Keep giving him time to build with you. Even if he is on a date or connecting with other ladies, it sounds like he is building trust with YOU. So for now….as you keep gathering information, work on facing your insecurities. It will help you be more peaceful about the pace you and him are on. He may have a hard time committing right now, but as long as you are honest and confront him in the way that you did, I think it will help bring you 2 closer together. I still recommend to keep watching him though. The flags should still be up at this point, but you don’t have enough information to disconnect yet. So gather more info to help you know which way feels best for you.
And btw….make sure you appreciate him for his really nice apology and response. You can say something like, “It was really uncomfortable for me to be honest about how I felt. It’s scary because I don’t know you well enough to know how you would react. I am impressed. It actually helped me feel more SAFE (Key word!) with you….like it’s okay to be honest and you can handle that. So thank you for validating me.” Saying something to that extent will not only set you apart from the other ladies, but also put some serious dollars in his “soul” bank!
Does all this help or at least give you some ideas?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
What a crazy and interesting story!!! Wow!
It sounds like it could definitely be savable. he just sounds overwhelmed. It doesn’t sound like there is any lack of attraction or difficult issues between the two of you…it’s just long distance and that is so hard! He is trying to finish up school and that is a HUGE deal, as I’m sure you are aware. Are you willing to do the friendship kind of thing for 8 or 9 months? You can keep flirting, sending sexy pics etc, but it’s not different than someone leaving to go overseas. Couples have to do without each other for months, or even years….how do they make it work?
What if you say something like this, “Listen…you are under a lot of pressure. You have 8 months to go and you need to focus. You and I are good together. I don’t want to feel my life without you in it. You are worth supporting and working through this with. You add so much value to my life and I want to add more to yours. So how about instead of cutting this off completely, we just take a break for 8 months. What if we just focused on becoming better friends and getting to know each other more, but no more visits. Maybe we just talk once or twice a week? I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you because you feel pressured. I’m okay and can handle not being able to see you. I can support you and take a back seat for awhile while you accomplish this. Is there any scenario in which you can feel comfortable and not pressured…with me still in your life?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Kjersti,
It sounds like there is still some hope….you guys are staying connected and treating each other with respect, so that is a good sign!
Do you have any clues as to his current situation and why he might be pulling back after having sex with you? Are you still being intimate?
I am so sorry that you had to deal with losing your husband. That is an extremely difficult situation and trying to get back out there is so hard to do. I commend you for risking and taking new steps in your life. It’s gonna be a bit tricky for awhile. The dating world has changed quite a bit the past 10 years or so.
If you could share more details, that would be great! Are you wanting to be serious with him? How long have you known him? How did you meet?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
The answer to that is that it all depends on how he interacts with them. I am a FIRM believe that men and women can be friends, but only up to a certain point. There is a line, that once they cross it, they are heading into different territory. I know this very well as I was that girl who had a TON of guy friends. I grew up with boys, had 5 boys as my neighbors growing up….I was that girl who was “one of the guys” so I understand the dynamics very well.
If he has a lot of female friends, I am wondering if he ever dated any of them. If he is just being casual with them and not having deep, intimate conversations with them…then of course! That can work out just fine.
The main question here is….if you are the jealous type, it just might be too much for you to handle….and you need to honor that about yourself. If you are the jealous type and you pick a guy who is constantly surrounded by the ladies…that’s like being afraid of heights and forcing yourself to climb up to the top of the Eiffel tower and look down! It’s a lot for the psyche to handle and may be too much all at once. Be kind to yourself and really honor what works for you.
I think the answer you gave was great! You didn’t know if you would be okay with it. You can either disconnect now because you know yourself well enough that it just might be too much for you….OR….you can keep spending time with him and just observe, gather information, meet some of his friends and watch how they interact and just build trust….or not. You might just need to gather more information about him and these ladies first before really deciding.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
It sounds like you are comfortable in your decision and are being very present with the situation. Well done! You have made a choice and not matter what happens, your choice is to grow from it. Super good job!
I would like to make a suggestion about the text you listed above. From reading it, it has a flavor of condemnation, even though you said it was just an observation. If it were merely an observation, you would not be ending the sentence with you saying that you were considering “things.” I’m not sure what that meant and it could be out of context, but from that message alone, it doesn’t have a good feeling about it.
Might I suggest a different way to say it? The goal is to teach him what you need. People predominately get to know each other in 1 of 2 ways….1. asking questions 2. observing. People like us ask a ton of questions!!! I observe a lot as well, but questions is my instant go-to. Your guy might be more an observing guy…where he really just gets to know you from having experiences with you. And being that this is a long distance relationship, he may not have the best skillset or inclination or much of a know how on asking questions. So teach him and inspire him in little, simple ways. Why not ask him this question and see what he says about himself?
So another way you could have said your feelings is this, “you know…I’m curious about something. You have never really asked me about my ambitions and goals in life and that’s a pretty standard thing to ask someone you are trying to get to know. I don’t think at all that it is a lack of curiosity on your part. I am actually wondering how you instinctually like to get to know someone new. If you were in person and met a girl, do you tend to ask a lot of questions or do you like to just observe and trust that information about her will be revealed in time when it’s supposed to?”
It’s funny talking about this because just last week I went to a basketball game with a friend who I hadn’t seen in awhile. I knew I always felt kind of empty every time we parted ways from a social thing we did together. But this time, I REALLY observed. Not once did she ask me a single question. I asked her all kinds of questions! I then experimented and just talked about myself without her asking me a question. She listened pretty well and seemed interested, but I noticed the pattern that she was interested only a little…and found ways to take what I was saying about myself and identifying with it…and before I knew it…we were back talking about her again. hahahaha! Not to say that is happening with you….my point is just that people truly get to know each other in different ways….the only ways she will ever know who I am, is if I talk about my life without her inquiring.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Confusing right??? The beginning of relationships is sooooo tricky and can be really fragile! Give him some space. The hero instinct worked great and that is a good sign. You are also thanking him quite a bit and making yourself extremely available and making a lot of effort to connect. This can be overwhelming for a guy who is so stoic and emotionally not very available.
That is something that I want you to really pay attention to about him. It is VERY unlikely for a person to live in the stoic, non emotional side of themselves for 8-10 hours a day and then all of a sudden turn it off and be connective and soft. Emotions of those extremes do not work like a light switch…ESPECIALLY for a man. So I just want you to be aware of what you are getting into. He deserves to be accepted just as he is. If you have ANY thoughts like, “Maybe he will change”….anything of that nature….STOP!! Either disconnect or really really accept him for who he is. If you keep trying to pull things from him, pull more communication, or more affection, or more feeling from him…it can cause him to shut down even more. With someone like that, you will probably get more out of him the less you try to get something emotional from him. Are you okay with that? From what it sounds like, the kind of person you are might need a man who is much more emotionally available. Just something to think about.
It’s time that he initiates with you. Give him space and let him chase you. Let him feel the absence of you and let him feel that feeling inside that he misses connecting with you. It should activate the hunter side of him. So make him work harder for you. Don’t forget….you are not the only one who needs to earn trust, respect and friendship….he has to earn that from you too!!!
And lastly, I want you to stay connected to yourself. You mentioned in the end “I know me and I could really screw this up.” I don’t know a person alive who doesn’t do that. It’s okay! We all do it in many forms and fashions. The reality is….it always takes 2 people to mess things up or make them right. So be more kind and compassionate towards yourself!
Lastly, is there any possibility that he is online or something? Did you guys have a monogamous relationship agreement? Do you have any inkling that he might still be dating?
Heidi
