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I am also wondering how you feel about having an affair? How does it make you feel to be investing in a guy who is not available for you? Is this a pattern of yours or is this the first time?
Hi Nathalie!
Just a few questions….your “new” guy is married, so what does that mean exactly about you? Are you having an affair with him? You are asking if you can win him over, but I’m not sure what that means to you…are you wanting him to get a divorce? Out of curiosity, is this the first time he is having an affair? Is he unhappy?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
You are going through a lot and I’m so sorry. When a guy comes along and is able to put a wonderful smile on your face and make you feel things that are amazing….he becomes your entire world! I get why you want him back so badly….the biggest gift he has given you is to let you know what is possible! He has shown you that you have all that you need inside of yourself to feel that way! If you believe that he (or any other person for that matter) is the way to happiness, then you will be miserable for a long time. When YOU are the source of your happiness, life is soooo much easier….because reality is, even the love of your life will hurt you because he is human. What would happen if he was your source of happiness in life, then he hurt you by disappointing you or saying something mean or something??? You would fall apart…because he was your source….if YOU are your own source, when struggles show up, you can handle them….you won’t fall apart!
Your source is gone for now…he is no longer in relationship with you…so you have a choice right now. You can keep hoping he will come back and stay in your misery…or you fight like crazy to start finding and connecting to that wonderful, beautiful part of yourself that carries your joy, your smile, your laughter. It sounds like you have been on that path…even you being here on this forum is you reaching out for help! Good job! Keep going! You keep fighting for yourself and your happiness until you find it…because once you find that part of yourself, you will feel stronger than you have ever felt before! And it’s ALL YOUR OWN! You will own your own happiness vs. borrowing it from someone else.You tube has a TON of videos…I love watching Brene Brown, Dr. Joe Dispenza (HUGE meditation teacher and teaching how to manifest the life you want), Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey, Marianne Williamson….watch 10 videos a day if you have. What can help a lot is hearing someone else’s voice instead of your own. Your voice is sooooo strong and the low self esteem is consuming. So get some positive voices in your head as well to help combat the darker side of yourself. Watch movies where someone breaks up and recovers…”Under the Tuscan Sun” or “The Holiday” or watch movies where someone is overcoming the worst…”Men of Honor” or “G.I. Jane”….turn on some music and dance your feelings. If you are feeling depressed, find a song that makes you feel depressed and dance to it! Don’t just dance for your own depression but for all the depression that exists in that moment! Take a dozen eggs and draw a picture of anyone who has hurt you…then hang it up somewhere and throw your eggs at it. The idea is….TRANSFORM your emotions. As long as they stay stuck and not moving, there is not growth or change. DOING something with those emotions creates movement and that is a skill you will need for the rest of your life. Now is the time to learn them!!! This is the perfect time for you to figure out how develop your ability to be resilient, because you will be hurt many more times in your life. I’d hate to see you lose yourself each time that happens! I’d love for you to know that you can handle anything that comes your way because you developed the skills to deal with disappointment, abandonment, heartbreak etc.
What do you think?
Heidi
Holy smokes Trista! What a confusing situation you are in!
I just have a few questions….let’s forget about the marriage thing, because that doesn’t even matter. You can be together forever and never get married and it can be totally workable! I’ve seen people do it and it’s great!
I’m just confused about the sex thing. So…if he has kissed you and does so occasionally….what leads up to that? Is there chemistry that starts to build or something and then he kisses you? Does HE initiate it? When you guys kiss, do you feel that chemistry from him as well? Does he want to keep kissing you? Sorry to ask this…but does he have any reaction below the belt that lets you know he is turned on??
My very first thought is….i wonder if he doesn’t work very well anymore. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction of some sort??? Maybe whatever the terminal illness was messed with his body in that way. How often does kissing happen? You said you have had direct conversations about this before and he says he is not attracted to you since the baby. Have you asked him what changed?? My second thought is that maybe he has an issue with “moms.” If he does, he probably doesn’t have any awareness of it….it’s probably buried very deep. Can you see any connection between wounds he might have and any sexual issues?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Great to hear from you. You know what you feel comfortable with and it’s good that you are honoring that. Each situation is so different and constantly changing and that’s where you can adapt to how you approach the situation.
Of course you are afraid of rejection! We all are…and that’s okay. When you are ready to face your fears, you will. Until then, keep working towards finding yourself again. It makes me sad that whatever has happened over the past few years has stolen away your sunny, laughing self. Find her again! Do not let whatever has happened, have that much power! Keep fighting for your sunshine to return and don’t stop until it does. Do whatever it takes to get back to that beautiful side of yourself!!! That is your nature, your essence, your right to experience life through those sunshine eyes and not the wounded eyes of life!!!
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Stefanie!
What a GORGEOUS writer you are!!! Do you like to write??? Do you do blogs or anything??? Maybe consider that if you haven’t before. Reading what you wrote was beautiful and said in such a unique way….like a lot of the novelists out there.
Anways…back to the subject at hand….you are clear…and that is what matters. Most of the time, I am just spending all of my energy connecting people to the truth and reality of the situation and trying to break them away from the dream and fantasy they have created and holding onto for dear life. Again…you are a lot like me….so many times I knew EXACTLY what I was walking into…knowing I would hurt AND knowing that hurt would inspire healing…as I am that type where I will risk the hurt for other greater outcomes. I HAD an incredibly high pain tolerance and so many times, the feelings I had for a guy far outweighed any hurt I knew I would end up facing on the journey…the younger guy I told you about was exactly that actually. He was the BEST thing that ever happened in my life…the best relationship I have ever had! I knew, from day one, that it would never last…our connection was way too strong to be able to resist though. I got to feel parts of myself that were amazing and beautiful and I got to experience the most amazing relationship….the kind of quality that I had only imagined before I met him. On the same token though….I hurt more than I had ever hurt in a breakup….our breakup was so peaceful and nothing horrible…just a simple understanding that it was just that time that both him and I knew we would have to face. I knew I would end up hurting when we separated, but I had no idea it would hurt that bad. I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks! I sank to a level of depression that I had never felt before. What a season! Still to this very day….8 or 9 years later, I can think of him and instantly get butterflies and a huge smile on my face. I guess I’m telling you all of that to let you know that I understand your choice.
I want to add another thought that I have a feeling you may end up experimenting with at some point….there is an INCREDIBLE amount of growth that can be equally powerful when the source is peace and happiness and not pain. Yes…pain inspires growth….but something I didn’t really realize until much later in my life…is how much I believed I could only get the level of growth I wanted when the source was pain. I was fascinated when I notice how extremely uncomfortable and challenging it was when I started reaching new levels of happiness. Sabotage galore!!! hahaha! Interestingly enough, I found it to be just as difficult, if not even more challenging to grow from happiness than from it’s opposite…pain.
I just wanted to throw that out there for you to think about….just to plant a seed so that one day you might be able to recognize it, should it show up for you…which is probable considering your mindset and your desire for growth and healing. What a strong woman you are!
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
Man…you remind me a lot of myself…especially in my younger years. I too had an incredibly wonderful, intense love for a man 10 years younger and that really caused me to have a lot of split energy. We were incredibly well matched, however the age difference did show up sometimes and was difficult mostly for me…not really him. But I understand the difficulty.
Listen….I know this is sooooo much easier said than done…this is another aspect where you and I are very similar. You are spending an incredible amount of time analyzing and breaking apart every piece of this situation and this guy. People like us have different reasons why we do that. It’s actually an incredibly wonderful skill, is part of our personality and a talent / gift in my opinion. On the other side of it though, we can end up thinking and analyzing soooo much that we end up missing how simple it really is. As I really dug deep into myself and healed more and more of my woundedness, I analyzed less and less. I know for me, it was how I survived my life. I learned at a very young age that if I could analyze the situation, I could have some type of influence over it. Then as I got older, it was all about controlling the situation so I didn’t get hurt. As I worked on healing my past, my present need to analyze changed. Not that I am perfect at it, but generally speaking, I analyze when it’s appropriate. Many times, I just take the situation for what it is and let it be, because I don’t have a need to control being hurt or not. Just something for you to think about. I just want to invite you to take a journey inside yourself and look at that part of you that is analyzing so much that it brings a lot of heaviness to this relationship, especially being so new.
So let me simplify this for you a little bit. You are a very smart woman, so what would you say to your girlfriend in this scenario?
1. He is across the country
2. 10 years younger
3. In the military for 6.5 more years and doesn’t have the freedom to come and go, taking trips to see her and get to know her life and vise versa.
4. It’s a new relationship and he isn’t really investing very much in the way of helping the relationship grow or work.
5. There has already been a lot of arguing and awkwardnessLet’s just stick with those things that you have shared with us. If you look at just those simple things, what advise would you give your friend? I know the old me would have looked at all of that and started down my path of asking “why” about every little thing so I could understand myself, him and the situation etc. Now….if I look at those facts, I would just feel, “this is way too much work for what I want in my life. It’s time to disconnect and let go.” And that’s it. Simple. It doesn’t FEEL simple, but it really is that simple. That’s me though and the phase I am in. You have to make that decision for yourself.
Maybe you can start with this:
1. Make a non-negotiable list. This is a list of characteristics that you MUST have in a man and in the relationship in order for it to work for you. YOU CANNOT SURIVIVE in the relationship without these foundational qualities!!! That’s why it is non-negotiable. For example, I cannot do without romance. If a guy is not romantic, it will NOT work for me. That is a top priority for me, so that is on my list. Here are a few other things on my list: high emotional intelligence, physically active, respected and loved by everyone he is surrounded by….so make your list.
2. Then look at that list and see if your guy is able to offer everything on that list. If there is even 1 aspect that he is does not match, then he is not someone that can have longevity for you. Now with that being said, it doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to that. It all depends on what YOU want. I am in a place of wanting to fall madly in love with someone and take that journey, so EVERY SINGLE ITEM on my list is imperative. 10 years ago, I was still just dating and experimenting, so I didn’t adhere to my list as much.
3. DO NOT get caught up in the thought, “maybe he can change. Maybe he will grow into being a romantic guy.” I’ve done that before. It’s a dangerous thought because all you are doing is imagining his potential and not really seeing and accepting him for who he really is IN THIS MOMENT….and that is so important.
I’ve said a lot and there is a ton more to say, but I’ll leave it at that. Just some stuff to think about. I have no clue if I am spot on or way off for you, but I trust you will share with me your thoughts and help guide me to a clearer picture of how you are feeling! I seriously love and truly appreciate all of your thoughts. Reading everything just made me smile as I saw my own brain!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria!
Thank you for writing in. Would you mind sharing a little more detail?
Who broke up originally? When he mentioned wanting to get back together a few different times, what stopped you from joining him in that idea? What was the cause for breaking up?
I’m sure he is sick of feeling the way he does. If he mentioned wanting to get back together and you didn’t agree, he can only do so much. He may be sick of feeling jealous and hurt that he can’t be with you. He may be sick of the games you guys are playing with each other. This is my best guess at least. Good for him for wanting to fight for some peace in his life and have closure. I know this hurts you, but sabotaging each other is not kind to each other and creates a lot of hurt and unhealthy patterns between you guys. It’s important that stops completely and that you BOTH authentically deal with what you are feeling vs. trying to ruin the other’s relationship.
Give it a little time. What’s the most important thing right now is that you get VERY clear about what you want. If you want to be with him, have you told him that? If yes, what did he say? The second most important thing is to make sure that whatever caused you guys to break up in the first place, is being worked on….otherwise, you both will end up right back where you are now. Do you have an action plan of how you can improve your interactions with him and how you can be a better partner in the areas that need improvement from your end?
This really may be salvageable! It sounds like you both still have strong feelings with each other. It sounds like he may just be trying to break the unhealthy cycle you both were in and that is a good thing. Now there can be a way to interact with each other in a healthier, more kind and respectful way! Might I suggest reading the “Relationship Rewrite Method?” That might be a good place for you to start. There are some great skills in that book that you can start to implement once you guys are talking again.
For now, just give him some space. Let him cool down, let him feel that you respect his need for space and spend some time getting to know yourself better so you can interact with him better.
Let us know your thoughts!
Heidi
Brenda!
Oh my goodness! OF COURSE what you are going through is sooooo normal! It’s a completely up and down and sideways process trying to break patterns that are that strong! You also had a marriage of 25 years. Even though it is ending this way, it’s 25 years of being bonded and connected to someone. Breaking away from that it incredibly difficult, especially when he keeps trying to pull you back in and trigger that wonderful heart of yours into rescuing him, because he is not ready to rescue himself. This is particularly difficult for someone who has your type of heart. You LOOOOVE to rescue and it is incredibly hard for you to see someone hurting….so walking away like you are is even MORE difficult than it would be with someone who doesn’t struggle with that particular pattern.
I don’t understand your mom. She gives you a book to help you understand co-dependence, but then tells you not to get a divorce because you are going into menopause??? She is advising you to stay IN your pattern of co-dependence. Something is off here.
Regardless of menopause or hormones or being on the rollercoaster ride…..YOU HAVE PLENTY OF EVIDENCE THAT HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC and does not want to change that. So you are left with nothing to work with here. If you stay, you will be right back living in your pattern…of which you of course can do! No one can tell you when you are done.
Out of curiosity…let’s say your doctor’s visit does confirm you are heading into menopause or that you are ARE off on your hormones. Do you feel that information would change how you are feeling about getting a divorce or how you feel about his drinking and not wanting to get better?
A wellness visit IS a good idea, however I doubt any information you receive will change how much you are feeling right now. It is completely normal to be solid and feeling great about your decision then breaking down and crying….then recovering more and feeling better etc….you know when you are healing more when the cycle becomes less and less….so maybe now you are crying 3-4 times a week, but in a few months, you may be crying once a week or even 2x a month. It’s just going to take some time. I again advise you to be cautious of what your mom tells you. Her reasoning for not getting a divorce sounds like it could be an issue she has personally and is projecting it onto you….not that she would be aware of that though. I’m glad you are checking in here with us, so we can offer a different perspective.
Keep fighting for yourself! Keep setting boundaries again and again and again until they stick. Don’t you dare give up on yourself! You are like a baby learning how to walk!!! You have never done this before and you want to be able to walk right out of the gate??? No way! You will take a few steps and fall and get back up and do that again until your muscles get stronger and stronger…until you get more comfortable taking a few more steps….all that matters is that you get back up and go again….and be kind to yourself along the way!!! Know that you will experience a gazillion different emotions right now and that’s normal and okay!!! You are doing a great job and you are heading in a direction where you are finally making yourself matter for once….how wonderful that is!!!!
Keep talking and checking in here!!!
Heidi
Hi Letty!
Man that is frustrating isn’t it??
Usually something has happened when someone has a GIANT reaction to something seemingly small. I know when I have big reactions like that, something got triggered from my past. For example, if someone was cheated on before and then one night their boyfriend didn’t call back when they said they would, it could send that person into a tailspin and a HUGE reaction over something so little.
Do you have any clue what that fight could have triggered in him? Is this his normal pattern or is this something new? Is he completely avoiding you at home as well? Are you guys not seeing each other at all right now?
Heidi
Hi Brenda!!!
Thank you for the update! You are having some wonderful experiences!
Isn’t it an amazing feeling to be friends with a guy and there is no attraction? It’s a pretty cool thing. As I’ve gotten older and more self esteem, I started to have more and more male friends where there was no sexual tension or interest….admittedly uncomfortable at first as I didn’t really trust it, but eventually became my new standard and way of interacting! It’s wonderful and I am so glad you have a new friend to experience that with….AND you get to help him without feeling you need to fix him! You are getting taste of what that feels like and that is one of the best ways to begin to attract more and more experiences like that. People are always really surprised when I tell them that being emotionally healthy is an acquired taste. It takes time getting used to knew patterns and even learning to trust and enjoy those new patterns. You are on your way!
In regards to your CB…I am going to still put a word of caution out there. Right now, you have been going through a roller coaster of a ride. One day you feel strong and connected to yourself and then the next, something happens and you fall back into old patterns….all of which is really normal as you grow. With that being said, your CB is still a vulnerable spot for you because you guys are still creating a friendship and bonding….of which I imagine his wife would not be too happy about. I know that at this moment, you guys are not being sexual, but that is an easy to pattern to instantly fall back into should the right mixture of emotions show up. There may not be any sexual energy, but what you guys are developing can actually be more dangerous….an emotional affair. He is most likely talking with you, developing this wonderful friendship with you and not sharing that part of himself with his wife. He is getting a lot of his needs met with you, therefore making his life and decision to stay with an alcoholic wife much more bearable. He is choosing to get his needs met through other people instead of choosing to fight for himself. I’m not at all saying you should disconnect. I would recommend that, however you are doing sooooo many things to improve yourself it’s wonderful. You are obviously not ready to let your CB go, so for now, I am just wanting you to be VERY conscious of your patterns, knowing they are still there and could possibly pop back up when you are least expecting it. It’s no different than an alcoholic. When they decide to go sober, they remove EVERYTHING that has potential to tempt them. They live that way for a very long time and then eventually, may be able to expand their world. We all have emotional addictions….yours is to save others, help others. I have a quite the list personally! lol. So know that part of yourself will NEVER change as that is ALSO one of the most beautiful parts of who you are!!! So you don’t want to change that part….you just want to make sure you only share that part of yourself with people who are safe for you.
In regards to your mom, my apologies for saying that about her with very little information. I admit that is something I need to work on in this forum when offering advice. I’m glad to hear she has changed her life around and having a wonderful experience now! Everyone deserves that! I wonder why she advised you to go back to an alcoholic….that part is why I said what I said…but of course like anything, that information is just the needle in the haystack! I will improve!
To close this book of mine for today, I want you to know I am beyond proud of you! You are making some very tough choices and I am soooo happy that you are finding and experiencing freedom. Remember this! Remember what is possible, because other times will show up that are the opposite side of freedom and it’s moments like what you are having now, that help remind you of what is possible and that you CAN create that! What a resilient person you are. You kick some serious a#$% Brenda!
Heidi
Hi Bette!
What interesting information you have shared! No wonder! You grew up with a mom as a role model and you have taken what she taught you and followed her footsteps!
So here are a few things I want to invite you to think about:
1. No more going to help your ex with chores etc. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. You going over and playing “mommy” and taking care of the chores in a house you don’t even live in…
2. You are responding to your CB telling him what he needs to be doing…again playing the “mommy” role.
3. You are asking for advice from your mother who is just as wounded as you are and who has clearly not evolved from her pattern of thinking that got her into an alcoholic marriage then an abusive relationship. She is NOT the person you need to be asking advice from or sharing your relationship troubles with. You are already further down the path of health than she is.So here your pattern is showing up again….meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. You ARE Velcro. And truth is…you like it. Its’ your identity. You don’t know who you are if you are not fixing or helping or saving somebody. So that makes you Velcro for the troubled souls of this world. Think about this…what if you came across a man who didn’t need you to fix anything for him? What if you came across a man who was so emotionally healthy that he actually didn’t “need” you….he wanted you, but didn’t “need” you? Let me tell ya now…you would HATE it! You would know how to be around someone like that because what you have completely defined your worth by (being the helper, rescuer, mom) wouldn’t be necessary. It’s the story you have created to define your value. You NEED to find someone messed up in some for or another so you have something to help fix…and then that makes you valuable to them. Make sense??
No judgement here! We all do this in some form or another! I personally do it with my emotional intelligence. I have a belief that I am valuable to a man because I can help him through his emotional confusion, hardship etc. So I used to have a pattern where I attracted men who were less emotionally intelligent than me, then I would “amaze” them and they would find me valuable….I was the “teacher” and that was my identity and my value to a man. I had that epiphany about myself about a decade ago when I crossed paths with an ex boyfriend. He had, in the 10 years since I last saw him, done an INCREDIBLE amount of growing and healing. Our conversations were amazing! We talked the same language, we knew the same deep levels of healing that existed and I would say, we were probably about equal in our abilities to help, educate, advise and teach people about the inner workings of life. After a few conversations with him, I had this VERY STRANGE thought for the first time…”I have nothing to teach him really. He already knows what I know. What could I possibly have to offer him that would make me interesting to him?” What a moment I had with myself! A gazillion lights went off! I knew I had the pattern of finding those guys who knew less than me because it made me feel valuable, but I didn’t quite know it to this level. He had activated this very deep low self esteem in me and it was amazing! Ever since that realization, I worked on my self esteem connected to my drive to teach people and have grown so much stronger. Today….I am much more peaceful! I no longer have the drive to teach…not that I don’t teach the guys I date, but it comes from an authentic place vs. trying to prove my value. I also look for them to teach me as well!
So….your path is hard….it is uncomfortable!!! What if you started to ask yourself, “What is my motivation behind what I am about to say or do?” For example, your CB contacted you while he was out with his wife. The very best thing you could have done in that moment is to ignore him and leave him feeling the emptiness of the moment. His feeling empty is what made him reach out to you in the first place. You responding, gave him his “fix” even if it was just a moment. He got you to respond and that’s all he needed. Your motivation for responding also was you getting your fix of connecting with him as well and your response was in line with your need to help and save someone. So your goal from now on, is to turn all of that attention on yourself. If your motivation to do something for someone else is about “them” then DON”T DO IT! You have been in this pattern for so long that it’s second nature. So it’s time for you to start to wake up to your habit of rescuing and start to rescue yourself. If you don’t want to be Velcro anymore, then that means replacing your velcro affect on men to being velcro for yourself….and then when you get comfortable being that for yourself, you have healthy boundaries, you are comfortable no longer rescuing people….THEN you will notice how the kind of man you are attracted to is completely different!!!
Does all of this makes sense? I said a lot, hopefully in a clear way (although I trust you will let me know if not) and there is sooo much more I want to say, but this is good for now.
Have you tried the left/right handwriting yet??
Heidi
Hi Karla!
Yes! He still has some type of interest or he wouldn’t be contacting you so much. He is definitely putting forth the efforts to stay connected. He is thinking about you at odd hours of the night and seems to be really aware of you. Now…whether or not that translates into him wanting a relationship with you again…I don’t know. He may….but may be too gunshy for now, being that you already broke things off. Who knows! What you do know is that he IS responsive and that is a good sign!
How do you feel about flirting a little? Not sure what your relationship was like before, but in general, a man will not make advances if he doesn’t get some signal from the lady…as he does not want to be rejected. So flirting with him, may make him feel more comfortable easing back into the thought of being with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
I totally get it! You are asking some great questions and have some wonderful awareness about yourself!
In regards to getting out of the reddit “refreshing” button, it’s crucial for you to busy yourself somehow. You ARE sabotaging. Anyone who takes up that much of your thoughts and your time, has power over you that you need to take back. You have given him so much of your time, your energy, your attention that he is the one defining how you feel at any given moment. If he responds, you are happy…if he doesn’t respond, you are not happy. HE IS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE at the moment. That is a very dangerous place to be, because you don’t know who you are without him. It may be the main reason he is disconnecting, as he may feel a responsibility for you that he cannot handle…and should not handle.
You are also not responsible for him. His fear of getting “stuck” is a healthy one actually. If he completely lost himself when you were around, that is HIS challenge to face. He has to figure out how find his own balance in the midst of a blossoming relationship. If he can’t do that, then he is making a good decision to step away and get his life in order. It is not YOUR job to hold him accountable to that. Of course you can help and support, but ultimately he needs to be able to do that for himself.
So first thing is first….what is stopping you from creating your life, outside of him? What is stopping you from working, learning, having fun? Anyone in your situation would be addicted to reddit! You have nothing else happening, so of course his responses become everything to you! He is all you have to look forward to in your day. So what can you do to change that? What else can you do that makes you laugh, have fun, socialize, grow and learn?
Last question….you said that you offered to move to Japan but realized it was not possible considering your “mental health.” What do you mean by that?
Heidi
