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Hi Tessa!
Of course you want to be chosen and fought for and valued! It is a VERY natural thing for us ladies. When you said that, it reminded me of years ago when I learned the reason why men stand on the right in a wedding ceremony. I have no remembrance as to how far this dates back, I just remember the “why” behind it. It’s because, back in the day of swords and shields, men used their swords with the right hand. So the man stood to the right of his lady so he could “protect” or “defend” against any other man wanting to take her away from him. He could have her on his left side, while fighting with his sword hand against anyone who threatened her. Funny right? It just tells you how much our “traditions” are based in the core psyche of the roles of the man vs. woman. So your need to want to be chosen and fought for dates waaaaaaaaay back, centuries ago! hahaha! That desire and need will NEVER change! HOWEVER…what does need to change is you choosing yourself more often. When you choose you, you are valuing and protecting your heart, your needs, your desires. That means though, having to say no to someone else and disappointing them. That’s the hardest part. They will be okay though!!! In essence, you have got to get comfortable with other people’s discomfort and hurt and disappointment when you choose yourself over them.
I used to be a lot like you. Then one day it was time to face this part of myself that just was not comfortable saying no to people. My therapist at the time said, you are on one extreme and you have to go to the other in order to know what balance is. So she gave me the toughest assignment, but it worked!!! My job was to say NO to anything and everything I did not want to do. If there was just the slightest thought, “I don’t feel like doing this” my job was to listen to that and say no. So I went around and told my boyfriend, my friends, my mom etc. and let them know my assignment and that it was just temporary and for my growth. They all understood and wanted to support me….of course until I said “no” to them…haha! My boyfriend at the time struggled with it the most though. I remember coming home from college soccer practice and he had wanted me to come over to this house, but I just did not feel like climbing 4 flights of stairs to go see him. So I said “no” and of course he got all upset. Super long and funny story short, I mastered my “no.” I finally got comfortable with the word, I got comfortable with disappointing people and most of all, I started to REALLY enjoy doing things for myself for once. It felt so good! So after I reached that place, I then started to find the balance and to this day, it’s a very natural thing for me. I can say no and I can say yes to people and feel good either way.
So first and foremost, when you value your own heart, take care of it the way you take care of everyone else, THEN you will attract someone who will treat you the same way and appreciate that you take care of yourself. They will NEED you to take care of yourself in order to align with how they treat themselves as well. You will attract someone likeminded….and if they are NOT likeminded…then they will not be a good match for you anyways.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vanessa,
It sounds like he is really split. One part of him, deep down, would want to be in love again (or else he wouldn’t be dating – not to say he is conscious of it) and another part of him is very cozy being the bachelor. It’s a pretty wonderful lifestyle being alone. You don’t have to think about anyone else except yourself. Your life is all your own. I have fallen into that very subtle trap before. I have sooooo comfortable being alone and loving it, that the idea of having a relationship just didn’t interest me. I, however, am more interested in growth and expansion and to do that, we need other people, we need love, we need differing view points. I have, many times, forced myself to be uncomfortable and stay open to love. It’s a conscious choice. And it would be for him as well. If he wants to never get hurt again, then that makes me sad for him. He will never go deep with anyone as long as that is his underlying, foundational choice. Essentially, he does not have resiliency. Resiliency means you have the skills, ability and belief that you can face whatever life brings your way. He doesn’t trust himself. He may say he doesn’t trust women, but it’s really about him.
He is missing out on you, and that’s a bummer. He needs to forgive whatever happened in the past in order to move forward fully and completely. I’m glad he got a wonderful experience being around you. Maybe it planted enough of a seed for him to want to experience more and give life and love another chance. I’m glad you had a wonderful time. I wish this guy were relationship material for you. He has some GIANT walls that may never come down. Who knows though. Sometimes people can surprise you.
Heidi
Hi Vanessa! Yes…moderators are who responds to posts, but sometimes other people will chime in, which is totally okay! Everyone here has similar experiences, so other people may offer ideas of what worked for them…or even just validate you.
How strange! Everything was peaceful? Everything seemed pretty easy? Are there any issues he ever brought up that would show he or you were unhappy on any level?
I am wondering if he just NEVER wants to go deep again. There is this thing called the “upper limit.” I learned this term from Dr. Harvell Hendrix. It’s a phenomenon I have seen and experienced over and over and over. The upper limit is the limit that we will allow ourselves to be happy. That limit is DIRECTLY connected to our low self esteem, our beliefs about what we deserve in life and our beliefs about love and happiness. Some people reach their upper limit VERY QUICKLY. Meaning, they are so happy that they reach their upper limit quickly and then it’s time to sabotage. Most people sabotage once they reach that line. They break up, they start fighting more, they cheat, they become more distant. It’s all subconscious though. Knowing about it, I see it in myself and others so easily now. The upper limit is INCREDIBLY difficult to raise. Once a person reaches that limit, all they know is something gets so uncomfortable that they have to ruin their happiness in order to stay below that line. If you want to raise that line, it means digging deep and looking at / healing the low self esteem and beliefs that are causing this limitation. Not many people really take that path. If nothing was really going wrong, and everything was going right….that can be a symptom of him reaching his upper limit. He reached his place with how happy he is allowing himself to be.
I wonder how he sees his future. Does he imagine being with someone and in love? Or does he feel good about being alone? Have you guys ever talked about this topic at all?
Heidi
Hi Jen,
Thank you for sharing your situation! Good question!!!
I have experienced this type of behavior A LOT personally as well as the ladies that I work with. You have a few choices in my opinion as it really depends on your personality. I personally am very bold and upfront, so anytime a guy mentions ANYTHING about sex without knowing me or without having spend some time together, I set a boundary and let them know IMMEDIATELY that I am not in that type of mindset AT ALL, as it takes some time for me to open the door to that possibility.
I am not a fan of a guy that does something like that. I have met tooooo many gentleman who are appalled at the guys who behave like that. I have met PLENTY of gents who would never, in a million years, advance in that direction without it being appropriate. That guy is thinking more with what is between his legs than anything else. It would tell me that he does not have much impulse control and that he has been successful enough with women responding to get away with talking to a lady that way. It’s presumptive and disrespectful and would tell me he doesn’t have much respect for women. To be honest, I personally immediately disconnect and move on. Some ladies want to give the guy a chance, so I recommend setting that boundary. Most of the time, there is a poor response. If there is an apology and an effort to move forward respectfully, then great…he passed a good test receiving a boundary from you and respecting it! I still would have that RED FLAG up and I would NOT FLIRT with any sexual undertones (you can smile etc. for flirting) or give any energy in that direction of sexuality on the first few dates. I would want to lead with my friendship, who I am, separate from my sexuality and see how he responds and just take it from there.
So you can ditch the guy or you can set a boundary now and see what happens.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Tessa,
It sounds like you have some wonderful awareness about yourself. It’s not enough though, isn’t it? I wish that knowing our patterns and limitations were enough to actually change them, but most of the time, knowing is not enough. Healing is the 2nd half of that equation. Knowing you have a pattern is the place to start, but then digging deeper into “why” you have that pattern is the next step. Then once you know “why” THEN you can work on healing whatever the core issue is. At that point is when patterns can REALLY begin to change. In my younger years, I was ALWAYS attracted to the bad boy type. I knew it, I knew why, but still couldn’t change it. It took me a good handful of years to work on healing the “why” and now….thank goodness….that type of guy is the LAST thing I want to experience. I am only interested in a peaceful, loving and easy relationship. Anything less than that just doesn’t work for me. I am now addicted to peace and ease vs. challenge and drama. I had A LOT to work through though, so my journey took a lot longer than most people’s.
In regards to your guy, it’s sound like you are taking on a lot of responsibility for how things are happening. Sure, you contribute, but do not forget, he has a voice, he has the ability to ask for things differently, ask for you to communicate differently and let himself be known in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like he is doing that very well, so you are left to just guessing what you are doing well and not so well. I’m curious….why do you think you are too demanding when you ask for clarification or what you need to know?
Let me ask you this….are you in for the long haul with this guy? Let’s say that you didn’t have this pattern of picking a challenging relationship. Let’s say, you believed that a healthy relationship could exist for you…where there is great communication, ease, peace and passion and romance. Do you feel like you could have all of that with this guy at some point?
Anytime we are settling for less than what we really want, it’s because they are meeting some needs of ours that we REALLY want to have met. He is doing or giving SOMETHING to you that you are not willing to do for yourself. So let’s just start there….what do you feel he is offering you that you are not able to do on your own?
Lastly, I do love that your heart is so wonderfully connective with people!!! Maybe let’s view that as a gift you have that needs to be protected. If you hand it over easily, without someone really earning the right to hold it, then you are not protecting yourself from harm, nor honoring that your gift is special and unique….something special and unique is not something that should easily be given away. You are not REALLY valuing your heart, your gift, as if it were special. People need to spend TIME with you and earn the right to get to feel that wonderful, beautiful and powerful part of who you are! How do you view this gift of yours right now?
Heidi
Hi Frances!
I always suggest for people to disconnect completely. I would suggest to get him off of your bill. Every time there is contact between you guys, it slows down the healing process. How long does that take? Every person is very different. I personally stay away until I think about them and don’t feel hurt, butterflies or any emotional charge around that person. I feel indifferent towards them. As long as there are still feelings left, positive or negative, talking to him again can fuel that fire quicker than you think. So getting to that place where he no longer has power in your life is essential….and that can take awhile.
Don’t worry about being “rude.” You can easily just say…”it’s time for me to disconnect from your son and it is soooo hard. I need to just stay away completely for awhile, so please don’t be offended when I don’t sit next to you guys”
As far as he goes, you can say, “I love you deeply and it is not being returned to me. So it is time for me to let you go and move on with my life. This is so hard for me, but it’s time I start taking better care of my own heart. We do need to get you off of my bill. I am going to take you off on Friday next week. I will send you the final payment information. I do request that you please no longer contact me for any reason as I just need to really create my life differently now. I wish you the very best!”
It’s time for you to get to know yourself on a different level. From what I am reading here, it seems as though you have a co-dependent style. Meaning, “you meet the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” Is that accurate? It seems like you want other people to tell you what to do vs. having your own internal voice and opinion as to what is best for you.
Another movie that is great is “the runaway bride” that kind of portrays that way of being.You come across as such a sweet, loving and very generous person. I have no doubt that is a gift of yours! AND that gift can be taken advantage of. This is where YOU have to protect it! Your heart is sensitive and it’s a beautiful thing but also needs protection by you, to not let ANYONE hold it in their hands that has not earned that right to do so. But you have to be the very first one to take care of it, get to know yourself and YOUR needs before you connect to someone else.
Does this make sense?
Wow Frances, That was fast! It sounds like you know what path is good for you for right now. May I suggest to not be friends for a bit? Now that you feel it’s time to move on, it’s important to allow yourself to heal and let him go. Have you ever seen the movie “The Holiday?” I think that might be a good movie to watch for some reason. Kate Winslet is a character that need to figure out how to become the “leading lady”. Anyways, take some time for yourself and heal….THEN when you feel indifferent and okay without him, you can truly offer him a friendship and it will be much more healthy.
Goodness into your cry this evening. My heart is with you. I have had a few of those in my life and I promise it gets better. Love yourself! You are worth fighting for, loving, laughing with, even if he doesn’t feel that way.
Heidi
Hi Breann,
Very confusing! Let’s see if we can sort through this a bit. I just have a few questions.
How has he become distant? If he is still texting and calling every night, what exactly is he doing different than before?
He said he doesn’t know what he wants. Did you by chance, ask for something more committed at all? I am wondering what would all of a sudden make him feel like he needs to pull back. Did you guys have a conversation or something? Do you have any clue what triggered this response?
Have you talked to him at all about him becoming more distant?Heidi
Okay! This makes a lot more sense now. Thank you for explaining further.
So my next question is, if you are okay with something casual, I’m not sure what your need for advice is.
You are doing such a great job at supporting him and letting him do his life the way he needs to, without really bugging him for more time or connection.You are getting a sense of his pattern. He tends to not connect for awhile, but is still responsive when you lightly show you are still there. My guess is, he is not taking this very seriously either, so when he gets around to it, he will connect.
If casual is what you want, then that is exactly what he is giving you. Maybe you are wanting a different design of “casual?”
I still am not clear what you want different from him. You want casual and that is what he is giving you. So what do you want differently from him than what he is offering you?
And fyi, your english is amazing!!!! So keep trying to explain…I just want to make sure I am on the same page as you before offering guidance.
Heidi
Okay! This makes a lot more sense now. Thank you for explaining further.
So my next question is, if you are okay with something casual, I’m not sure what your need for advice is.
You are doing such a great job at supporting him and letting him do his life the way he needs to, without really bugging him for more time or connection.You are getting a sense of his pattern. He tends to not connect for awhile, but is still responsive when you lightly show you are still there. My guess is, he is not taking this very seriously either, so when he gets around to it, he will connect.
If casual is what you want, then that is exactly what he is giving you. Maybe you are wanting a different design of “casual?”
I still am not clear what you want different from him. You want casual and that is what he is giving you. So what do you want differently from him than what he is offering you?
And fyi, your english is amazing!!!! So keep trying to explain…I just want to make sure I am on the same page as you before offering guidance.
Heidi
Hi Frances,
The first thing I want you to get really connected to, is that you are human. You only were the doing the best you knew how….and maybe did some things that made him want to push away from you, but it still was your best. You can only do better when you learn more…and that is what you are already doing, so be VERY nice to yourself! We all have limitations and things we can improve upon.
Because we are human, we need someone else’s ability to accept and even love that side of us. That’s what a relationship is. It is an acceptance of ALL that a person is, not just their best parts. It doesn’t sound like this guy has that capacity. Do you think he is spending all this time away from you, wondering how he could be a better partner for someone? I doubt it. Here you are trying to “fix” everything, all the while he is off with another lady. Just something to think about….whenever I am coaching someone on finding their match, a top priority is findin someone who approaches life in the same way they do….otherwise, the relationship can get very difficult. This guy seems to approach it differently than you. It doesn’t mean that it can’t work…it just means it’s important to look at the TRUTH of who he is when things get difficult. He has chosen to not be honest with you, disconnect and run away vs. having an honest conversation with you about what he really feels about you.
From what you are telling me, it doesn’t sound like he is interested in something deep and connective with you. If he didn’t like hearing that you missed him or loved him, after 2 years of dating (did I understand that right?) than I am wondering what he is doing with you. It doesn’t sound like he is very clear on what you mean to him. Would you agree?
You have every right to ask where the relationship is going. Your needs matter. So do his….it’s just a matter of having a good conversation about where things are going and if he could not offer that to you, then I question his ability to commit to anything at this point in time. He may still be needing to play around and date and not get serious about anyody……or there is the oher side as well….you just may not be his match in that way that inspires him to take things to the next level. I don’t know. He is the only one that can answer that. For right now, he is showing you that he is not interested and that just hurts. Again, you keep saying you want him back, but it doesn’t sound like you ever really had him in the first place, fully and completely. Am I understanding correctly?
So with all of that being said….the most important thing for you to do is to love yourself. You live and learn right? If you were coming across as needy to him, then now is the time for you to dive into that part of yourself and do some healing. Neediness really comes out when you do not know how to feel happy without that other person. You need them to connect with you, you need them to love you, you need them to make you happy, you need them to “complete” you. It’s like a piece of swiss cheese….all those holes that are there are the spaces that you are wanting HIM to fill for you, instead of you filling them yourself. When a guy senses this, it can cause him to keep distance as that is a BIG responsiblity. I’m not sure if you agree that you were needy. His perspective of you does not necessarily mean it’s true. So that is for you to really look at. If you agree, then spend your time devleoping your self esteem and learning about how to connect deeply and lovingly to yourself. If you disagree, then you can choose to ignore what his experience was.
I cannot tell you what to do. This is your path. What is most important is that you get very clear about who he is…ALL of him. Do you feel that he is someone that can offer the same level of love you have for him? Is he someone, that when things get super hard, that you feel you can rely on in a second? Is he someone you feel safe with your deepest vulnerabilities? If no, then you have a choice to make. If yes, then give him the space to experience this other girl. I would occassionally check in with him, but for the most part, keep your distance. He needs to fully experience this other girl. He needs to make his own choice to disconnect from her if it comes to that. So unfortunately, if you want to fight for him, it’s going to hurt. The more you “miss him” or “love him” the more it will most likely push him more into her. He needs to feel your strength and your self esteem. He needs to know that you will be strong and okay, even if he doesn’t choose you. This type of strength and self esteem is very attractive to a man. The stronger you feel to him, the better chance at catching his attention. He needs to feel the chase…he needs to feel like it’s difficult to catch his prey. So this is where doing some soul searching on your end, can really help. Fill those holes in the swiss cheese YOURESELF. Find those spots where you don’t love yourself very well and love them better. This will create an internal strength that men love!!! They don’t know they love it usually, but they do….lol
What do you think? This is a place to start, but by no means the whole process. Let’s just start somewhere and we can continue from there.
Heidi
Hi Tessa,
Holy smokes he has a lot going on! Struggling financially, taking care of mom and sister, lost his baby and wife….that’s an incredible amount of stress! I’m surprised you have even gotten from him what you have.
The reality of this kind of guy is that he is in survival mode. I’m sure you are getting all that he has. When a guy is overwhelmed in all areas of his life….they are not very available to start a new relationship….let alone take it to a serious level.
I wouldn’ take any of it personal….his distance. The very best you can do is to just support him the best you know how. The challenge with a guy in his situation, is that he will have little to no tolerance for your needs. If you have anything you need from him or ask him for that is different, it will feel like you are adding 100lbs to his already 10000 lbs he is carrying. So in a way, you are in a relationship where you really are there for him and he is not very much there for you. It is what it is for right now. It’s going to be a lot of work for you and may take years before he ever opens up to you….considering his traumas. Is that something you are prepared for? What if it took 3 more years before he really opened up to you….or 5 years?
TThe mistake many people make is they keep believing “if i just wait, they will come around. If i just keep being that amazing support (at the expense of themselves) for him, eventually he will open up. That is living your life for the “hope” of the future instead of what reality is RIGHT NOW.
I think you are doing a great job supporting him and giving him space to do and be as he needs. I imagine it’s probably the only way he is still around.
Are you sure you want to keep going through all this work? Would you consider still dating?
HeidiOkay….this makes a little more sense. So you guys have been in a serious relaitonship for 2 year now. Then he started cheating on you? Or did he break up and then start seeing this other lady?
Is there anything you are aware of that would cause him to disconnect from you? You are saying that everything was wonderful and you guys were happy. Do you feel he has the same perspective? Have you ever talked to him about it? Is cheating a pattern of his? Has he ever done that before?
When you asked for more from him, were you asking for mariage? Is that what scared him away?
If you want him back, this is going to take some time. As long as the other lady has his attention, it might be waiting until that fizzles out, if it does. If he does come over and paint, maybe you can just have a good conversation. Don’t talk about the other girl, but insteaed inquire about his experience. Is it REALLY the pressure from you that caused him to disconnect? I imagine you would have backed off if he really asked you to. So I am wondering if something else is happening for him.
You can say something like, “I want to learn more about you. I don’t quite understand what has happened and how we ended up here. I truly am interested in learning how I could have been better for you and what your experience was with me. I really want to know. I understand you are with someone else and I need to accept that. Can you still honor me by helping me learn what my part was in this, that really drove you away?”
If you pose your question with curiosity and just keep the subject on you and him, NOT THE OTHER GIRL, then he may be willing to open up a little more….which hopefully will give you more information about what you are up against.
Is this his pattern by the way? When things got difficult, is he the type to run away and not really talk about things?
Heidi
HI Frances,
I’m a little confused. You guys never dated right? You keep saying you want him back, but it sounds like you guys were only friends for all of that time….yes?
How old is he? He is still living at him and you are on your own and already married then divorced. Is there a big age difference?
Has he ever expressed romantic interest towards you? Or has he always just kept the boundary as friends?
I’m so sorry about your ex husband. There is nothing more horrible and shocking than that!!!
I”m glad he was there to help you heal!Heidi
Hi Tessa,
Welcome! So glad you are hear asking for some ideas.
I just have a few questions.Has he expressed interest in a relationship? Is that what you are wanting with him? Something more serious or just light and fun? What kinds of things have you done that makes you think you are pushing him away? What is his response? Does he tend to just disappear and talk less with you?
More details are helpful.
Heidi
