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Hi Mary!
Yuk! I’m sorry you have to deal with this ex-wife who is not very kind. She is doing a good job of ruining his happiness. It’s funny how strength can disappear when it comes to certain people and relationships. I too am very strong, but have had times where all my strength just disappears in front of certain people. No doubt she has said mean things over and over and over again over the years, to wear away on his self esteem. And it’s going to take A LOT for him to finally stand up to her. She, in and of itself, is a HUGE stressor for him, then he has to face his finances, then he has to face an unhappy partner. It’s a lot, so no wonder he pulled back.
It’s important to support him in what he is doing. You telling him what he needs to do with his wife is not going to give him his power. It’s you telling him what to do vs. talking with him, suporting him, building him up to have the strength to make that choice on his own. You are seeing a side of him that is passive and co-dependent (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself). His ex wife obviously takes advantage of this. I understand you are protective and don’t want her around, of course. The best way to do this is to let it go and let him figure out how to make that happen. He has got to fight for himself and learn how to set boundaries once and for all. You cannot do that for him. She is not a threat to you. Can you let him struggle through this and be that person that is there to listen and support him through the process?
How does that make you feel?
We can get into the next steps in a bit, but I just want to know what you are willing to do first before we continue. She is not going to go away and he may not learn how to set boundaries as fast as you want him to. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
I imagine you take pulic transportation to get places…yes? Maybe you can ask him to accompany you somewhere….maybe somewhere at night….and you want him to help you feel safe.
Maybe you could ask for help finding a birthday present for someone? Is he a good cook? He could maybe help you with a recipe?
It’s hard for me to offer suggestions because I don’t know either of the details of your lives, but hopefully you are getting the idea. You want to find something that would inspire him to come over and see you or at least have some continued contact somehow over text or phone. It gets them connecting with you.
You said he still trains….you mean working out at the gym? That could be a good category….asking him for help with exercise somehow. Maybe you could say, “my knee hurts when I do lunges. What am I doing wrong?” And maybe you could eventually get him to show you what’s wrong in person???
Heidi
My apologies Martine. You had asked what you should do and if you should just let go and what was happening. so I was coming from that perspective.
In order to activate his hero instinct, you want to think of something that would cause him to see you or connect with you further. The attempt you made was a good idea, howeve it didn’t quite pan out, because he was able to simply answer the question.
Since you don’t have a car, could you maybe ask him for a ride somewhere? Or maybe he can pick something up for you and bring it to your house?
Hi Martine,
I know this is confusing. Let me explain it this way. He is most likely split. Meaning he has 1 side that wants to fall in love and have a relationship and another side that doesn’t. Whomever is in the driver’s seat, is who is making the decisions for him. So essentially, that side that is scared, confused, has negative belief systems about himself and women….that is who is in charge of his life. The other side that connects with you, cares about you, feels for you, is in the back seat and does not have enough power in his life to make the decisions. When he is connecting with you, reaching out towards you, that is his side that is in the back seat. So his decision to not want a relationship has NOTHING to do with how he actually feels for you, It just mean that his fears are more powerful than how he feels about you. If he were to create a life with you, it would mean facing all those fears….something he is not willing to do at this point.
When he has THAT much fear, it means that he may never face it. No matter what you do or say or be for him….it will not take those walls down. HE has to be the one to take those walls down. It is not for you do, even if you could. This is HIS internal struggle that is holding him captive. Not to say that he can’t face it, but if he is even willing to let you go as a friend and not fight for you, then that tells me he is not ready to take that journey.
You, of course, can hang around and keep trying and hoping. That is your choice and your journey. I tend to coach people with what is happening NOW and not what “could be.” It’s a dangerous game to play trying to wait around for something to “potentially” happen. However, it’s a path many take anyways and that’s okay too.
If you want to continue down this path, it means being his friend. It means continuing to do everything you already have been doing. The challenge is, it is going against YOUR needs. He is giving you everything he is willing to give you. He could most likely head back into the sex arrangement. He may get closer and closer, but will only end up doing the same exact thing and that is creating distance again because he is too afraid. This has nothing to do with you. If anything, the fact that he IS afraid tells you that he has strong feelings for you. If he didn’t feel very much for you, he would hav nothing to be afraid of. Again, this is not about YOUR behavior or doing anything different….this is about him being willing to face his fears.
Have you ever talked to him about why he is so afraid? What makes him not good relationship material? How does he feel about having cancer?
If there is insight into “why” those fears exist, it may help you understand what you are really up against.
He is incredibly lucky to have you. You are really good for him and it sounds like he knows that. He, however, has convinced himself to keep those giant walls up and you are wanting in. If you ever do get in, even just a little more, it will mean a lot of the same things you already have been doing….staying his friend, being supportive, becoming best friends! It takes a lot of time to do that anyways….however, there is no guarantee it will shift anything. If you can keep that perspective and stay very present in the moment and enjoy his company for whatever he offers and nothing more….then you have more of chance to see where things could go.
Heidi
Hi Martine,
This is a tough one! You have some pretty big walls stacked up against you. You said that the cancer was serious, but I”m wondering if that was a typo.
How long has he had the cancer? How is he feeling? Is he slowly getting worse that you see? Do you know what kind of cancer it is?
I’m curious because a lot of treatments can cause serious mood swings, along with, of course, facing death and what that means.
I think it’s best for you to accept that he does not want a relationship. Even if he did not have all this going on, it’s important to really HEAR what someone is telling you. He is a guy….therefore much more capable of having a physical relationship without all the emotions attached….not so easy for us ladies.
If you do continue to place yourself in ths situation, you are on a path full of rejection and hurt. If he were willing, that is a different story, but he is not….and is very clear about that. The reasons don’t matter. You are choosing to involve yourself with a man who is not available.
So the question really is….are you willing to take care of yourself over him? Are you willing to love yourself more than a guy who is up and down, unavailable and unpredictable?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
I am reallly sorry to hear this. Give it some time. Does your guy have a history of holding grudges at all? Or is this the first time you are seeing this side of him?
What is really important is to give his opinion and feelings some validation, if you already haven’t done that. He has a perception about your family that is based in credibility according to him. Have you ever discussed all of his thoughts about this? I imagine you have….I”m curious what his belief is based upon, if you are saying it’s not true.
Has your family tried to talk to make any efforts to clear up confusion?
I”m curious what has already been tried at this point.
HeidiHi Tessa,
Your limiting pattern is so normal! We all have something to work on! So you are doing a great job being aware and continuing to work on finding your balance. The more you chip away at it, the more you will find that healthy balance. I had 1 particular issue I worked on ALL the time!! Finally, after about 20 years, I shifted and I have been in heaven since!!! I know that’s a long time, but gosh darnit….I’m not going to stop until I find freedom!!
As far as your guy, I think it is sooooo wonderful that you had such an awesome time with each other!!! That’s just amazing!!!
Just stay present. That’s a mantra for ANY relationship! I am always reminded by Elizabeth who is the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. She also wrote 1 book after that (I think it’s called “Committed”) about her marriage to that guy. VERY self aware!! They were happy for quite awhile. Then recently, I believe last year, her best friend got cancer and she was by her side for many many days trying to help her heal. Then Elizabeth realized she had fallen in love with her friend and asked for a divorce. Of course none of us know the details of it all, but what it reminds me of….is there is no guarantee….not even with how you are going to feel tomorrow. Life can change in a matter of seconds!!! So that’s why learning to fully and completely enjoy the MOMENT is the best way to enjoy your life and your love. There is nothing to do at the moment except take a step back, revel in the wonderful times you just had with him, and give him space to reach out again and create more moments.
Do you feel okay with this approach?
Heidi
Hi Nari!
Wow! You sure have been through a lot!!!How long have you guys been together?? So if I understand you correctly, the reason he distanced the first time was because he felt the wedding was too much pressure financially for him and that’s why he distanced?
I think it’s wise to consider his BFF being an influential factor. It’s definitely a pattern you want to watch and continue paying attention to.
I know the heart is fickle. There is always a battle between the higher, more knowledgable self and the lower, more emotional self. Your higher self knows you deserve better, your lower self doesn’t care and wants to move forward with this guy despite his choices to disappear.
Even if you do get him to contact you again and even if you guys end up happy again, it does not change that he is showing you a pattern of disappearing….it won’t matter even if you are married. He will do what he needs to do to get away. As long as you also show him your pattern that he CAN treat you that way, he will not feel any consequences to his choices.
This is your part of the journey. If you want this pattern to change, then you need to work on your end of things. What is it that is keeping you so tied to this guy who is disappearing on you? That is NO WAY for a relationhip to last, nor work. A lasting (and happy) relationship has good communication. Both people are invested in growing together. So when you do get back together, I suggest you both get 3rd party help to learn how to go through conflict together. He can say “I will never do this again etc.” but reality is, he will, unless he changes something inside of him that makes him run in the first place. Something is stopping him from being an adult and facing and being honest about whatever it is that he is feeling. Something is stopping you from requiring that in a relationship. You know you deserve better, so maybe it’s time to fight for it!
Have you tried asking him for help? It can activate his hero instinct is you say something like, “Hey…you have disappeared again.I have no idea why, but I actually do need some help with something. Would you be willing?”
What do you think of his BFF? Is he nice to you? Do you guys like each other?
Heidi
Hi! Good for you!!!! I know you are sooooo hurting right now, so facing this choice of yours takes an incredible amount of courage!!
I personally would just send him a message now. I would say something like, “I have finally decided to let go of the idea of you and me. It’s time for me to move on and heal. I will not be responding to your texts anymore and I will completely disappear. It is just what I need to do in order to allow myself to heal. I will also arrange for you to be taken off of my phone bill. I will be doing it this Friday. I truly wish you the best in your life!! Take care!”
It’s a bit optimistic to think you will be healed in a month’s time. I always tell people to NOT put a time limit on it. Everyone is so different in how they respond and how they heal. I typically heal pretty quickly, but my last relationship…took me a few years. So you just never know! That’s why I am saying to disconnect him from your bill NOW….do not wait. Cut all ties. As long as there is still that connection between the 2 of you…there is a connection.
I’m really proud of you! You are doing a very hard and brave thing right now.
Heidi
Hi Heather,
Good question! He is obviously uncomfortable with something OR he just doesn’t feel like dealing with people’s reactions. Have you ever asked him straight out, why he is doing that?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
You sound wonderfully grounded in the reality of the situation. If he wants something bad enough, he will fight for it. It really may be this heart condition that prevents him from moving forward. It’s sad because there is still SOOOOOO much life that can happen, even in just 1 day. He is living from the future instead of being present.
You have 2 choices from my viewpoint. You can either say something like, “Listen…we are great together! I love how I get to feel when I’m around you, even if it is every few months. The problem is, I really like you and want to grow closer to you…naturally. And that’s impossible to do if we don’t even talk and get to know each other between visits. I have been respecting your wishes with how our relationship is designed, however it’s changing for me now. Because I really am liking you more and more, I do want to grow with you and that means, in my mind, talking a lot more and getting to know each other between visits. I am aware this may not be something you feel comfortable doing and I understand that. It means that I need to move on. As wonderful as you are and as much as I wish to grow closer to you, I also need someone who is open to going down that road with me. You do you, and I’ll do me…so this means I am stepping back and no longer going to initiate things with you. If you would like to talk about possibly creating a different design that suits us both, I am more than willing to have that chat. If not, I understand and wish you all the best comes towards you. If I don’t hear from you by next Friday, I will assume you have decided to let this go. Take care….”
Your other choice is to just stop communicating like you have and see what happens. I imagine he will reach out at some point. I am more of a fan of be authentic and honest and not playing games, so I would at some point, say some version of what I wrote above so you both can either move forward or create some closure.
And by the way….you did not get rejected. He will most likely reject anyone. HE IS REJECTING HIMSELF!! He is putting up all of these walls so he doesn’t have to feel what love feels like….whatever his reasons are. He is not allowing himself to connect on a deep level, so this has nothing to do with you. He would rather go to sleep with his “fear” next to him rather than a lovely lady who could take him on quite the journey. Sad for him!
Heidi
Hi Sevinc!
I am so sorry! It is so difficult to have gone through 14 years only to end up where you are right now.
It might be salvageable…it might not. It really depends on you and working hard on ways to be a better partner and him wanting to do the same. It doesn’t sound like he is in that space right now though.
I am curious…did something major happen that has made him not even want to talk to you??
Have you read the “Relationship Rewrite Method?” It might be a good place to start. Having 2 kids and jobs that are demanding is just plain tough. It sounds like you guys probably have been slowly distancing from each other over the years….would you agree? What would you say was his chief complain about you and the relationship?
Heidi
Hi Dee! Thanks for your input! There are many of those types out there right?? 8 years of dating online would definitely give you some experience of that.
It’s not pathetic by the way. It’s good that you are out there. I guarantee you have picked up some wonderful skillsets through all of it!!! Have you ever tried other venues?
Heidi
I forgot to ask….how are you feeling? how are you doing? Are you still deciding you want to disconnect or still not sure?
Hi Frances,
You did ask this question and I answered it in my last post as well. Get him off of your phone bill. It doesn’t matter that he is responsible about it. Regardless, it is an energetic connection that you keep you tied to him. He will have to reach out to you every single month to pay that bill and THAT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU IF YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE ON. Making FULL and COMPLETE disconnect is crucial if you are going to heal.
Does that make sense?
Heidi
