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HI Joseline,
I know how confusing this is. There is a point when closure is really needed and it’s time to get off the rollercoaster. It sounds like you are at that point.
He is just very split right and now and it probably has mostly to do with him….and not you. His deciding to leave has nothing to do with him not loving you. It’s why he is still connecting, because he also is having a hard time letting you go. So 1 side of him really loves you and connects with you and wants you in his life and the other side is afraid of something. Who knows what exactly that is, but it doesn’t really matter. Both side battle to be in the driver’s seat. Side 1 was in the driver’s seat for 5 months….now side 2 took over and broke up…but side 1 is still connecting with you and side 1 is still trying to fight, on some level, to keep you in his life. Side 1 is who wants you to promise to meet with him when he is ready. Side 2 however, is still in control as he still not choosing to come back.
It’s madness being on the other end of this!!! It’s confusing and you don’t really know what to believe. I tell people to believe ALL of it, because all of it is true for the person. Fear and love can exist in the same exact space. Love and hate can exist in the same space.
I think it’s a wise decision for you to choose to disconnect for now and let yourself have a break. The rollercoaster is so painful and as long as you are on it, it’s just going to keep hurting. Getting off the rollercoaster would be the most kind and loving thing you can do for yourself. It’s one of the hardest decisions EVER and hurts so badly however, you will be on the path towards healing. As long as you are on the rollercoaster, there is no way of healing completely.
So this is what I suggest: You can send him a message and say something like this:
“I love you. It hurts so bad to love you right now because it is a love that, for right now, that does not have the space to grow and expand and be fed. I am ready to accept that now. I have no doubt that you love me in return. I know that you deeply care. I also know that you are making this decision for yourself and that, for whatever reason, is something you must go through without me and I will honor that. This means that I need to disconnect completely and go take care of myself and let my heart heal. This means that I need you to no longer contact me. Please care for me enough to let me heal and let you go. Who knows what the future will hold, but that doesn’t really matter right now. What matters is that I start to come to terms that my life is without you now and it’s time for me to move on. I truly wish for you to work through everything you need right now and get everything you are searching for. It was a wonderful adventure with you and I will always be grateful. Take care.”
How does something like that make you feel??
I am so sorry joseline. It’s going to be a tough season for a bit. time will heal. It’s very important right now, that you really love and care for yourself. It’s really important that you see friends, go do fun activities, really nourish your soul as you heal.
Heidi
Joseline,
I want to REALLY encourage you to not take that route…at least not yet. You are angry and hurt and you want to FORCE your way into seeing him. You are breaking a boundary of his and this most likely will cause his walls to go waaaaaay up. You don’t need to see him to have closure. I know it feels that way, but it’s just simply not true. Many people are able to have closure and heal without needing to see the person. Sometimes a parent dies without the kid being able to have closure, or sometimes someone just moves away and the people left behind don’t have closure face to face, so they have to figure out a way to heal all on their own.
I want to really encourage you to think about the kind of response you want from. You want him open and able to hear you, yes? Do you really think that is the kind of response you get by catching him off guard, in his space, without having invited you over???? I know if someone did that to me, there is no possible way we would have a conversation when they just crossed a clear boundary I created. It’s disrespectful and all that person is thinking about is themselves and not me as well.
So I encourage you to take a breath. DO NOT GO OVER there tomorrow and lets work on a better way to approach this. You have time! There is no rush here. If you go over tomorrow, you will be full of steam and anger and not thinking clearly. Your emotions will be running wild and all that is likely to happen is you vomiting all your hurt feelings onto him.
At the very least, if you decide to go tomorrow regardless, then I suggest you go with a calm mind, calm spirit and be kind and respectful towards him. That is your best bet! No fighting, no yelling, just talking….if he lets you in. If he doesn’t let you in, then be respectful and leave without being mean or hurtful towards him.
If you somehow find the strength to NOT go, let’s talk about this more! Let’s talk about a different way to get your needs met that doesn’t cross any boundaries. Let’s talk about ways you can create closure for yourself.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Joseline,
I’m little confused, because I thought it was clear that he wanted to break up and is clear that he does not want to see you. So what else do you need to know from him in order for you to move on?
Maybe it’s confusing because he still connects with you quite a bit.
I imagine you want to be face to face with him and have him say it to your face? Is that what you are after?
Heidi
Hi Again!
Man you crack me up! I understand your concern. I want to invite you to reread your very last message and look at the deeper question here….what you are REALLY needing from him…and it’s not a good gift.
First off, shame on you for sending that picture to your coder friends so you could see what it was!!!! hahaha! It reminds me of me when I opened presents one time before xmas and re-wrapped them! Can you just let him surprise you??? It’s good for you!
Now…instead of focusing on the gift and whether or not it will be something “delightfully” worthy, focus on the energy behind it. It’s not different than a mom receiving a drawing from her kid that he drew at school. Because it has meaning for their child, it has meaning for them. It’s the same here. He obviously has thought about you and is showing you that he cares…IN HIS WAY. Whether or not it’s a gift you love, all you need to do is go into your HEART and NOT YOUR HEAD. Your heart will feel the connection with him. Your heart will appreciate his efforts, his gesture, his version of caring about you. If you cannot feel moved by him SHOWING you that he cares and is expressing it through a gift HE feels is worth of you….then YOU FAKE IT!!!! And then you really work on whatever it is that is blocking you from connecting your heart to his. TAKE A BREAK FROM TEACHING HIM!!! No more teaching him how he can be better for you. NO more teaching him how he needs to talk differently, or ask you more questions, or give you different gifts. Man…it’s so funny saying this to you because I have had to say that to myself sooooo many freakin times before! haha! Anyways…give it a shot!!! Can you go an entire month without correcting him, criticizing him, telling him ways he needs to be different, or teaching him IN ANY FORM, how he could be better or different for you? NO OBSERVATIONS! I’m curious how you would feel! I’m curious how that could change the dynamic between you guys. I’m curious what you guys would talk about?
I’m obviously going off of past conversations, but I recognize your “system” as I have been there. I had a boyfriend in college and we were electric together!!! Man we loved each other like crazy and we fought like crazy! 4-5 times a day mostly. It was crazy!!! Super long story short…I remember when we went to AZ to hang with his parents and we had literally gone 2 weeks without 1 single argument. I was walking somewhere and had this private realization ALONG WITH another awareness that I was all of a sudden finding myself searching for something to fight about. It was such a subtle, small, almost subconscious thing that I barely became aware of…but somehow caught it…and then magnified that thought and need to fight with him. WOW!!!! It was a huge realization how much I had just gotten used to fighting…and every fight was usually about me confronting him about something he needed to work on….AND how much I needed to take responsibility for how I was contributing. Anyways….I realized how I needed to become addicted to peace and ease, instead of fighting or teaching or challenging him.
So for now….as far as the gift is concerned….don’t you dare ruin it for yourself by trying to figure out what it is before he is ready to tell you. Give him that gift by being authentically surprised! And focus on the effort and excitement he has for you….so that not matter what the gift is, even if it is lame….you get into your heart and you appreciate him fully and completely for his efforts.
Make sense?
Heidi
Oh! got it!
I understand your anger sooooo well! You are obviously reaching a point where you are losing your patience. Has something happened? Did he say something to make you angry? Or are you just tired of this and need some type of closure?
Heidi
I’m not sure if you are saying that you are just going to go see him and not take any of our guidance to let him have his space. You absolutely have that choice! If that is what you are going to do no matter what, I want to encourage you to think about a few things first.
1. What is your goal by going to see him? Meaning, what are you hoping to have happen by seeing him?
2. What do you plan on saying to him?
3. If you stop by unannounced, are you doing it at a place that is okay for him? Hopefully you do not plan to stop by his work as that could cause a lot of anger and upset and embarrassment for him.What don’t you need in your life? What is “this”? You mean you don’t need the guidance we are offering? Maybe what I wrote this last time was really frustrating for you and ineffective. I know you want to know how to fix things with your guy and I mostly talked about you instead…and maybe that upset you?
More clarification would be helpful.
Hope to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Karla!
I would agree with Kanya. He is saying he cares about you and in a very sweet way. I am wondering if you guys are long distance or do you get to hang out in person as well??
While you guys are developing your friendship, you can still use a lot of the techniques taught in this program. You can find ways to always appreciate him (show him through action AND tell him), you can ask for help with something so he can feel like a hero with you and most of all, continue to become closer and closer as friends. It’s one of the best ways to start a relationship! I would also suggest, if you feel it appropriate, is to flirt a little as well. Being that you still have a desire to be with him at some point, you can encourage the idea by flirting a little bit here and there…throw in compliments to let him know you find him sexy, or attractive, or desirable. That can help keep the flame at least lit a little instead of letting it go completely out.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi April,
Yes…it’s possible, but many times is a lot of work. The more the differences are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, the more difficult it can be. I too am introverted and have worked REALLY well with extroverted guys….BUT I am a very good connector and can be comfortable socializing etc. So as much as we functioned differently in the world, it was similar enough to not be an issue or challenge.
My concern is, it’s only been a month and you guys are already voicing frustrations. I wonder if that foreshadows what is to come should you guys choose to take this journey together.
I want to address you first. Are you willing to face your fear and anxiety about connecting? Are you willing to face your fear about meeting other people?
If you are not a talker or connect well, it can cause someone who is extroverted and very socially confident, to feel starved. It’s not your fault though. It might be a better thing to find someone closer to how you function and same for him too. Unless you BOTH are willing to compromise and grow. He can learn how to appreciate and be comfortable with silence more and you could learn how to be more connective and talkative. That way, you guys are meeting in the middle and that makes functioning together soooo much easier.
But it’s really up to you. It’s just a lot of work and fears you will need to face regardless. Is that something you are willing to go through?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
I’m glad to hear that you have shifted how you approach things with him and that it is working and you are getting a better result with him! He is a good person to practice with since he tends to trigger you quite a bit.
Another tip that tends to work really well when you are desiring for him to recognize something that has hurt you, you can say something like, “when you do…….it makes me feel like……” That way, there is no pointing the finger and telling him what he did wrong. A lot of how you communicate to him is as if you are his teacher and it is your responsibility to let him know how and where he is being ineffective. That, of course, creates instant defensive and response from his ego….so when you frame it in a way where you are letting him know your experience when he makes certain decisions, it will be much easier to swallow and won’t feel like criticism. Practice that one! It’s a pretty successful technique I’ve used over the years. I’d be interested to see how it works for you!
So what’s the update on the whole xmas present thing? Did you connect with him about that?
Heidi
Hi Joseline!
I know this is extremely hard. The fear you have about your reactions is stuff inside of yourself that is good for you to face. Truth is, you want him back so HE fixes your pain instead of YOU fixing your pain. That is not a healthy way to be in a relationship. The moment you depend on someone else to fix you, make you feel complete, happy or whole….the more you will be so hurt and let down when they act or make decisions that are not what you need. That’s love though. It is unpredictable, it hurts, it brings out the worst in people AND it is beautiful and wonderful and so amazingly powerful. Love activates BOTH sides. This is the time right now, to figure out how to be okay, find your center, find your value, find your worth WITHOUT him being your source. YOU need to be your own source….that’s when relationship and love is so much more healthy!
Here is a video by Will Smith that talks about that in a wonderful way:
https://www.facebook.com/aplusapp/videos/1898980196839574/
Because you want him back soooo badly because you want to be out of pain and keep loving him, you will suffer greatly during this process and may even push him further away. What if you could find peace inside yourself on your own??? That way, your interactions with him will be so much more healthy, he won’t feel the pressure and you will be okay with supporting him with what he needs. If you are afraid of shutting off…then face that fear. FACE YOUR FEARS in this and you will find your own power to handle this situation with much less discomfort. That’s what you need to focus on the most right now….you! and learning to love yourself on your own without needing him to do it for you. It is the hardest path to take. It’s easy to get someone back and then feel better….problem is, the deep core issues never go away…they will show up and wreak havoc on your relationship in various different ways. This is a wonderful growing season for you!
While you are working on yourself, you can still stay connected with him. Again, focus on the friendship and FOCUS on what he IS giving you instead of what he isn’t giving you. Many ladies here would die just to have their guy keep in contact with him! So you have a lot more going for you than you think! You are talking daily and he is initiating quite a bit. Find your gratitude in that and appreciate that!!!
I would not text him. For right now, just keep responding to whatever you guys are talking about. Again, keep things light, easy, fun and be wonderfully responsive as he initiates. He NEEDS to feel in control of the pace of things.
Do you think you can do that???
I think Kanya’s suggestion was such a great idea. Keep yourself busy! Go have some fun! Go find out who you are SEPARATE than him. It is one of the healthiest things you could do for BOTH of you. It will make you a much better partner and he will be attracted to that!!!
Heidi
HI Stefanie!
I can understand the dynamic a little more now that you posted the conversation where he got angry with you. Your interaction was very much ego against ego and it was great to read! It’s actually quite the common way people argue. No one actually listens and all they end up doing is defending, so it’s this vicious cycle of hurt feelings. I want to invite you to think about something that is sooooo hard to do, yet extremely powerful. I have worked with this in myself quite a bit….The way you guys were arguing was with this spirit “my need to be right is more important than my need to connect with my partner.” If you shift it to, “My need to connect with my partner is more important than my need to be right,” you guys will argue with each other with so much more kindness and respect!!!
I know you said that was the only time blew up on you, but he sure said a lot that was very revealing with how he was experiencing you, which is so great! It helps you understand some of his deeper feelings.
I know you didn’t really ask for that advice and I have no doubt you have looked back at that conversation and had some thoughts about it. Not sure if what I suggested is different than what you already were aware of…
Whenever in conflict, I like to follow these guidelines for resolution.
1. Validate
2. Get curious and ask questions for deeper understanding of their feelings
3. Validate again
4. THEN problem solveIf you can follow those guidelines, many times the guy will follow your example and you will get your needs met as well and the fight instead is a discussion. Another guideline I like to follow is not to try to resolve something if my reaction is just so high that I don’t feel I will be a very good listener or problem solver. When someone gets triggered into those high emotions, your brain enters into the lower preceptory part of the brain which means that your higher functioning, problem solving skills are unavailable to you, as long as you are in that low vibration, high emotion state. So once I calm down and can activate my intelligent senses, I then approach the situation.
Just some thoughts! Thanks again for sharing!!!
Heidi
Ha! I wish I had a horse too! Instead, I volunteer at a place with horses sometimes…lol. Second best thing… I am glad you have animals…my dog has been KEY in helping me keep that heart of mine active in the feeling love every single day…but you are already set in that department!
Make sure you respond 1 more time to this thread…If Kanya sees that I am the last one to answer, she most likely will not look and respond to ones that have not been responded to. So I won’t write again, so she will see that you need to be responded to.
Have a wonderful day!!!
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I felt really bad that I couldn’t help you, but it’s also a good practice for me to feel that I can’t help everyone and learn to be okay with it. I don’t like it at all, but it’s a good dose of reality! lol! So again, I truly appreciate your honesty.
You and I have a similar disposition from what it sounds like. We all have different ways we cope in life. Mine is to immediately pull away if I sense any little thing or any amount of rejection that could be heading my way. My initial response is very “heady” and black and white. I say “If this…then that” turning the situation into a very logical thing instead of a heart thing. That is an area I have had to work with a lot in myself. I understand why I do that and I have had to work on a lot of forgiveness from the past crap in my life.
No one wants to get blindsided. It hurts and feels so awful. What has changed for me over the years, as I’ve healed the deeper wounds in my heart, is that I am able to handle that much better. What I mean is that I used to constantly ask questions, challenge, gather information, test the situation so that I could have as much information as possible so I wouldn’t get hurt….and if I did get hurt, I at least saw it coming and wasn’t surprised or fooled. The advantage to that approach is that I became VERY smart at reading situations, signals etc. and to be honest, I avoided lots of disasters and developed a pretty incredible skillset. That being said, what drove me to be that way was fear….and when fear is the driver behind any of our actions, it pollutes our perspective and how we see things. As we work with whatever we are afraid of, it’s not necessarily that our approach changes technically, but the spirit behind it changes. For example, when I was younger, I would ask a guy, “If you could create your perfect morning, you could be anywhere in the world, do anything you want, be with anyone you wish for….how would you design it?” That question is VERY revealing about a person. Before when I asked that, it had more of the spirit of gathering information so I could see whether or not I was going to continue dating that guy. Now….when I ask that question, yes I am gathering information, but funny enough, I would say that is only about 10% of my interest….and the rest is just pure curiosity!!! When I started noticing these changes in myself, I realized that the difference was that I felt more safe and trust inside myself.
When someone taught me about “trust” they reframed it in a way for me that made so much more sense. She said, “trust is not about the other person. People will always let you down, hurt you, disappoint you. So trusting someone else to NOT hurt you is not realistic. The trust needs to be inside of yourself.” Meaning, I need to learn to trust myself that not matter what shows up in my life, I will be okay. And that is the SKILLSET of resilience…a quality we all must have in life. Reality is, even if this guy does work, even if you both fall madly in love and spend the rest of your lives together, HE WILL HURT YOU!! HE WILL BLINDSIDE YOU! And it’s going to hurt like crazy!!! Having trust that you have the strength, love in yourself and a skillset to handle those moments….means that your fear takes a back seat and your trust is in the driver seat….and when that happens, you make better decisions, those moments in life are less scary and you just feel more peace.
I know this is not direct advice about you and your guy. Love and relationships are a HUGE risk and super scary. There is no way around that. If you have never been loved before, of course you are going to do everything can to not have to feel the rejection. I want to encourage you to find and connect to your own self worth. You are worth loving Crystal. You are worth getting to know. You are worth laughing with, you are worth risking with, your life is worth witnessing….and not because of anything you are or not, or do or don’t do…but just because you are! So when you can really connect to that truth and make that solid, whether a man chooses to take that path with you or not, you know you are going to be okay and can handle whatever shows up….and that feeling is sooooo wonderful. It has totally changed how I date and experience myself around men….and I love it!!! Build that trust in yourself and watch how it changes everything for you.
I have no idea if any of this will resonate with you or not. Even if not, know that you have a kindred spirit on the other end and I am rooting for you!
Heidi
