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Hi Michele,
Welcome! I am so glad you are here and asking this great question! I love that you are seeking clarity BEFORE reacting in a way that could cause a BIG mess. Well done!!! Very smart thing to do.
Okay…let’s dive a little deeper here. What is happening inside of you, that you are reacting to this?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what his ex does. He is with YOU. Her trying to get his attention back, is about her and whatever she is struggling with. She is obviously not dealing with whatever she is feeling, in a healthy way. She is still trying to get his attention, even though things have been over for a long time and she is married. She may be someone who needs A LOT of attention and she feeds off of getting men to react to her. I don’t know. Regardless, she is who she is and you are giving her power to shake you up and feel threatened. She is just reflecting an insecurity inside of you. Maybe it’s time you really look at that and face it?
By wanting your fiancé to say something, you are wanting him to fix this, so you don’t have to feel insecure. You are wanting him to do this for you, so you don’t have to do this yourself. For a strong and healthy relationship, it’s important for BOTH people to have the skillset to face their own fears and insecurities, without asking your partner to do it for you. This is the hard way, but well worth it, as there is healing that comes from it.
So what are you insecure about? What is his ex triggering in you?
Heidi
I was actually wondering that about your dog and the process to bring her back to France. I actually just realized…boy or girl dog? Name?
Anyways, my dog came from Africa…Zimbabwe. The family that had him before me, lived in Africa at the time and rescued him from a pretty bad shelter. Bringing him back to Colorado was quite the process. Glad I wasn’t the one that had to deal with that!It cracks me up about the small Christmas gift that he didn’t get you! I think it was about 2 weeks ago, that the people on the radio were talking about this exact thing. It was 2 guys and a girl and one of the guys was newly dating someone and asked the other 2, “Should I get her gift? I don’t know…it’s still so new.” This led into a hilarious conversation, but it just highlighted the different thought processes men and women have about things. I say…just let it go. It happened just once and it really doesn’t mean anything. I imagine the next time it’s appropriate to get you a gift, it will happen.
I imagine you will have many moments where your “chief” energy will not be the best thing. It’s inevitable. The test will be whether or not he has the balls to call you out on it. I hope he does, because that will only increase your respect for him…something that is super important for you.
Have you gone to see his house that he is building yet?
Heidi
I was actually wondering that about your dog and the process to bring her back to France. I actually just realized…boy or girl dog? Name?
Anyways, my dog came from Africa…Zimbabwe. The family that had him before me, lived in Africa at the time and rescued him from a pretty bad shelter. Bringing him back to Colorado was quite the process. Glad I wasn’t the one that had to deal with that!It cracks me up about the small Christmas gift that he didn’t get you! I think it was about 2 weeks ago, that the people on the radio were talking about this exact thing. It was 2 guys and a girl and one of the guys was newly dating someone and asked the other 2, “Should I get her gift? I don’t know…it’s still so new.” This led into a hilarious conversation, but it just highlighted the different thought processes men and women have about things. I say…just let it go. It happened just once and it really doesn’t mean anything. I imagine the next time it’s appropriate to get you a gift, it will happen.
I imagine you will have many moments where your “chief” energy will not be the best thing. It’s inevitable. The test will be whether or not he has the balls to call you out on it. I hope he does, because that will only increase your respect for him…something that is super important for you.
Have you gone to see his house that he is building yet?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Of course he is sending mixed signals. Just because he broke up, does not mean he doesn’t still have feelings for you. Remember that you guys have had this pattern for a loooong time. Breaking up doesn’t mean you can’t get back together. What I’m guessing happens, is that the rubber band snaps, the pressure is relieved, which then allows for more openness and connection. The talk you guys had was awesome! It was peaceful, connected and no arguing. That would create bonding between you guys. It would cause his heart and desire for you to open more. Many times, people just need to say something and then all of a sudden, the energy released and they no long need what they just asked for or said. Then, you add on top of that, you are carrying cancer in your body. That, in and of itself, is going to make him want you terribly close and also far away, all at the same time. So no, you are not overanalyzing his signals. You are spot on!
As far as doing the hero instinct, broaden your thought process. No, he cannot fix your health, but he CAN make you feel better. He CAN make your life a little easier. So the way you activate his hero instinct is with little things like, “My feet are terribly sore. Would you mind rubbing them for just a few minutes?” “I really would like to have some help getting my dr. appointment today. Would you mind just dropping me off? I have a friend picking me up after.” Those are just some examples, but basically, you are making him a hero by letting him help you feel better in small way or helping to make your life a little easier. Does this make sense?
Also, here is a book for you. Not sure if it’s your thing, but if it is, it’s a powerful book!
Heidi
Hi Vino!
I get it I get it!!! hahaha! Working through this platform definitely can slow down the process of understanding. It makes a lot of sense now. Yes, I believe we are speaking from the same exact space, but just use different words to explain it. I think, for me, the words strong or weak can easily have judgment attached to them. As an athlete, weak days were bad. To cry was weak, but that meant I wasn’t being strong, which was not a good thing. These are social programs as well as some of my own programs from growing up. Even in most movies or tv shows, being weak is not portrayed as a positive thing. So when you are defining crying as weak, from the societal programming, I thought you were judging it as a bad thing. Now, I understand what you mean and how you viewing it. We are like-minded then! Time to move on as there are so many other things to talk about! lol
“Truth is, I don’t want to see her pain, because I don’t care that much. However… I do want to know what it is, because it affects me.” I get it and I’m glad you are recognizing that caring about her pain means caring about yourself. You are spot on by seeing that if you spend a little time trying to understand someone’s triggers, so you can understand your own reactions, you are doing 2 things. You are connecting “behind the veil” to better understand yourself and you are also hopefully able to access your compassion and soften towards someone who is in a lot of pain and probably NEVER feels compassion. That’s a very sad life to live. You described her really well when you really though about it. People who have a high need for “power over” others, feel VERY powerless in their own lives. That’s all you need to know to be able to identify with what she must be feeling like in her life. You know EXACTLY what she feels like. And yes, she is still obviously stuck in that cycle and she is not ready to leave it. She is most likely very addicted to staying in relationship with the victim mentality. She is so identified to that way of thinking and living that to ask her to do any different is like asking a heroine addict in the middle of shooting up, to stop and do something different. “When the student is ready, the teacher will show up.” So when and if she is ever ready to free herself from that way of thinking, she will be provided for, just as you were. So whenever I come across people like that, I say a silent prayer for them, “Give them the strength to see their lives through eyes of truth. Magnify the light in them.” It’s my indirect way of helping them without getting caught up or participating in their cycle.
“What kind of things did you take on to prove that you were strong? What kind of drama did you create? What does your peace look like now?”
You are right. You and I lived our lives very differently. I was extremely social. It was very important to me to be popular and the best at everything I did. At the same time, I HATED that I wanted that and even cared, because even from a very young age, I was always easily connected to a higher truth. Even though I knew that none of that even matters and it was an expression of my own insecurity, the energy and drive was SO STRONG (just like yours was to hide) that it just was what it was.
I’ll answer your questions in the area of dating, otherwise I would end up writing a freaking book if I talked about all of it. I would create drama and take on things by dating guys that were emotionally unavailable. Deep down I wanted a loving connection, but would ALWAYS be attracted to guys who had that “thing” that many girls wanted. That “bad boy” kind of energy. Every single time I knew what I was getting into. I knew the games I would have to play, the rejection I would have to feel, the frustration that would be there, the self control I would have to muster up. The reward? I usually did get their attention, at least for a period of time, but never once did it feel comfortable or easy. I was always “on” doing and being whatever I needed to be, to KEEP their attention. It was a very stressful and exhausting way to live. My insecurities were constantly running my life. I was CONSTANTLY getting triggered by dating those kinds of guys. They never really knew or saw those sides of me. I was pretty good at controlling all those crazy emotions I was really feeling. Now, my peaceful life exists in a way that I do not invite ANYONE into my life who I cannot be authentic with. I do not have a single relationship in my personal life (even family) where I feel an obligation to keep it going. 100% of the people in my life, I WANT in my life. I get to be true and authentic self and they LOVE me for it. It’s so easy and peaceful! I don’t have to pretend and I don’t have to filter like I do to the rest of the world. My relationships regenerate and restore me. So this area of my life, is well protected and well nourished. I no longer have my insecurities choosing friendships or who to date. My positive self esteem now decides. Thank goodness!I think it’s why I became so attracted to and obsessed with understanding the subconscious. No matter what I knew was “right” in my conscious mind, I would watch myself make decisions and create these strong patterns that were in the opposite direction. I knew that was my subconscious running the show. I knew the only way I was going to change my reality and align with what I knew what “right” was to dig in deep and connect to those subconscious beliefs that were limiting me and running the show…and shift them. So when you look at your pattern of being drawn to men and more retracted from women, it has nothing to do with either of them. It has to do with your subconscious beliefs you have about both men and women. Those subconscious beliefs are SO strong and they act like a beacon and send out an energetic message, attracting people who align with that energetic signal and bring them into your life. So if you look at patterns in your life, who you are attracted to and not attracted to, the situations that show up, it ALL is telling you what is living DEEP inside your subconscious. Your life and how you create it, is a direct reflection of who you REALLY are, on all levels….not what you think you are. Does this make sense?
Again…I LOVE talking with you! Thank you for working through all of this with me!
Heidi
How about we talk about the term “weak.”
The thing is, what you consider weak, is actually not really weak. Let me give you a different perspective here. You say that you were weak because you couldn’t handle all of the stress. I remember believing that as well when I was in my teens. The more I could take on without breaking, the stronger I was. I thought myself getting weak when I started to break down emotionally and getting vulnerable. Here is the truth though. That isn’t strong. It’s not strong to keep loading your life up with challenge after challenge after challenge. What that really is, is an addiction to drama and chaos and challenge. The therapist that I was working with at the time, said to me, “Smart people are the ones that say NO to inviting unhealthy and unnecessary challenges into their lives.” When I really thought about, it made sense. Then I went out and tried to apply that to my life. I realize how addicted I was to having something I always had to conquer and fix in my life, so I kept attracting situations that brought about those challenges. I realized that I was defining peace and ease as “boring.” So the real strength really lied in me stepping into peace and ease and getting comfortable with that. There was NOTHING easy about that!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to go back the other way, but I did it! Now…my life is practically drama free. I LOVE my life. I only invite healthy challenges into my life. I walk away VERY QUICKLY once someone or something starts to pull me in an unhealthy direction. I protect my peace and ease now, very well. So it’s not “weak” because you can’t handle all the stress or that you need to cry. It’s just vulnerability. NO ONE is ever meant to handle large amounts of stress. That’s not really how life was meant to be lived. Those people who can handle large amounts of stress, all the time are in an addiction pattern. They are not strong because of it. They are no different than a drug addict. They are running from something. Strength is facing your fears. Strength is facing and embracing whatever emotions you carry inside. Weakness is running away from it.
Maybe this is a different way for you to look at what strength and weakness are. Not sure if this makes sense.
Heidi
Wow! 2 years. That’s a lot of time to spend there. I’m so glad your pup crossed paths with you and that you chose to save her life! They are worth every bit of our efforts aren’t they???
It makes me really happy that he is connective with your dog. That’s soooo so important! So far, so good. He is passing a lot of the most important tests.
I’m also happy to hear that sex is good AND that he is also able to just lay in bed and snuggle. Also very important!
I can see why he would call you “chief.” I obviously only know you through this forum, but you do have a leadership type of energy. You know what you want, who you are and you are straight up about it. Those qualities make you a good leader. I know here, fireman call their boss, “chief.” So my guess is, he know he can’t get away with anything with you…you will call him out on it. He obviously likes it though. He needs a strong woman, so my guess is, that is term of endearment and a sign of respect. At least I hope so! lol.
Heidi
Hi JW,
Welcome! We are glad you are hear and sharing your challenge with us.
I’m not sure exactly what your question is.
Are you married as well? His wife found out, yes? I’m wondering why she is still staying with him after she found out. What is keeping him with her all of this time, if he is unhappy with her? This is a loooong time to carry on an affair, especially after being caught.
So is your concern about whether or not he will follow through on the plan?
Heidi
Hi M,
The hero instinct is meant to just get them connected with you and then providing an opportunity for you to compliment and make them feel like a hero. That can open the door to more connection. That, in and of itself, is one way you can portray how they feel better WITH you vs. without you.
I know you really want him back, but you also have to be careful not to bombard him with techniques. You want to be subtle and have patience. Start with the hero instinct. You can either text it or get him on the phone. The phone is better though. It creates a stronger connection. When he is done helping you, use the approach Kanya suggested where you say “I miss talking to you. Would you maybe be interested in meeting up for coffee?”
Just start with something simple like that and see how he responds. Then we can talk about the next steps.
So when are you going to send him the text? What’s your plan?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I would invite you to also talk to him about why he keeps leaving. If you don’t know that after 18 years of doing this pattern, then maybe it’s time to really find out. He obviously is just going to keep doing this pattern. So if neither of you are willing to really push beyond this pattern and face fears, then your best solution is to just never move in together. Just keep doing what does work and stay away from the one thing that tends to trigger him breaking up. Maybe that is something you can talk about with him at the park. You both just agree to keep things easy and peaceful and that means it’s okay to never move in together. That might be a good agreement, yes?
Heidi
Hi Vino!
Goodness, I have soooo much to say, but don’t have the time today. So I wanted to just address 1 thing.
Let’s talk about the lady that no one could stand. Whenever we see qualities in someone else that are unkind, it is reflective of the unkindness we also carry towards ourselves as well as the judgments we carry towards others. Her behavior activated judgment in you and others. The judgment you had towards her wasn’t caused by her. She just happened to trigger it. That judgment was there before she ever came along. So she is lighting up something inside of you, by her controlling behavior. Let’s look at this little deeper now. Why do you think she behaved the way she did? Truth is, if you were able to connect to the pain she carries, see and know the energy of insecurity she felt and have compassion for her, you would not have disliked her in the way you did. You would not have judged her the way you did. Just like how you took on the challenge with giving the grumpy guy a shot and were determined to do it differently, you completely saw a different side. Does this make sense how the lady was reflective of what you carry inside yourself?
It’s actually quite easy to know what is going on for someone else subconsciously, if you know your own subconscious. It’s just a matter of being able to pick up the signs and symptoms and being able to interpret the general meaning. So when you are “reading” someone, you are picking up on all of their conscious and subconscious signals right? And then you put meaning to those behaviors, words, actions and create an idea about who they are. The secret is though, is to know yourself. We are all fundamentally the same. So when you connect to your own subconscious signs, symptoms and language, you will better be able to spot it in others. But just to be clear, you said this “Reflections – not sure I understand what you’re saying there. There’s no way, I can figure out what’s in somebody else’s subconscious! Still figuring out how to connect with my own!” and I didn’t mean for you to know what is happening subconsciously in someone else with what I was saying. I was referring to YOU knowing your own subconscious.
Does this make sense??
More coming tomorrow!
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome!
This guy sounds like a good experience for you. I understand that you miss him and that you want him back.
I want of first ask you this…he is not going to change. He is hot and cold, because he has his own issues deep inside, that influence his behavior when it comes to romance. Yes, there are things you can do better, but ultimately, his behavior lies with him and NOT the effect of you not doing enough “hero instinct” methods. With that being said, working on getting him back means that you also invite his behavior back into his life. So before you really do that, is this something you can accept about him? How can you handle it differently when he shows up distant again? How can you let it go and not take it personally?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
This is a great question. I have 3 different answers, because it depends on what you are willing to do.
1. Face your loneliness. One thing I always encourage a person to do, is to get comfortable being alone. Many, many people run from loneliness. It’s an awful feeling. However, if you can sit in the loneliness and allow all the emotions that come from it, be expressed and explored, there is great healing waiting for you! It will make you a MUCH BETTER partner when you do join with someone as well. There are places in your psyche, your heart, your emotional body that only loneliness can trigger. That is why I always encourage it. If you keep occupying yourself so you don’t feel lonely, there are important parts of you that need attention and healing, that you will never be able to access. So…there are great gifts and opportunities waiting for you, should you decide to step into the loneliness and learn about yourself.
2. If you want to go out on dates, then you also have to ask yourself “Am I okay using other men to keep me entertained, while I’m waiting for this other guy?” Truth is, you are not emotionally available. When people go out on dates, it’s implied that they are looking for a connection with someone. So the guy who sits across from you, is thinking that you are open to having an experience if there is a connection. Even if you are, and there is a connection, that doesn’t change that you are still hooked on this other guy. All that will happen is you become split and then create even more challenge by having to choose who to invest in.
3. At the same time, going out on dates, even though your heart is occupied at the moment, can be healing on some level. I’ve done that before and even though I wasn’t interested in any of the guys, they gave me experiences to compare against the guy I was holding onto. It helped bring me more clarity into what I was choosing.
So this gives you some food for thought. There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s more about what are you willing to deal with. Make sense?
Heidi
HI Rosarita,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I wish love were enough to keep a relationship together. If it were, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate over 50%. So he is telling you that you “push too much.” Do you understand what this means? Do you agree?
If you want him back, it’s about learning how to create a relationship that is more rewarding and peaceful and nourishing compared to rough. Rough relationships are not meant to last. It’s too stressful. So what can you do to shift how you guys interact? What is missing in your relationship to help it be more peaceful and enjoyable?
As far as asking for advice, you can always say something like, “I miss you and I want to be better for you. Our relationship has been rough and I know I am part of that problem. I would love your advice. What would be 1 thing you would like to see change in our relationship that would make you more happy?” Or you can do something simple like asking for help moving furniture, or asking for advice about a restaurant or what kind of gift to give, or how to dispose of your xmas tree. Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
So I’m still wondering why he ends up leaving. What is happening in the relationship that he is running from? What is happening for him inside, that makes him break up and then come back? What is happening for you, that you feel okay participating in this pattern? I imagine it’s really stressful for you each time. I imagine you would like to be with a guy who can stick through things with you and has the courage to stay. Am I wrong?
I think it’s great he wants to talk. I’m glad he doesn’t want to argue. Is he saying that because you guys argue a lot?
One of the best ways to handle this, is to meet up in a public place. Go somewhere beautiful, peaceful and has a good vibe that you both enjoy. The environment can REALLY help a conversation that could get heated. I also suggest that you go into the conversation, as if your were a reporter and needed to write a story about him. With that mindset, you are more about being curious and asking questions vs. arguing or defending. So if he says something that makes you angry or hurt, instead of responding with anger, keep it under control and just ask more questions about what he means, how it makes him feel, ask for examples. It’s really important to try to understand him from as many angles as possible. This will help him feel more safe to open up and be authentic vs. defensive and getting into an argument with you.
Does this help?
Heidi
