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Hi Dana,
Man…my heart just sank. I am soooo so sorry! This is awful isn’t it?
It looks like he is heading back into his old pattern of disconnecting. He may not be completely ghosting, but he is now being emotionally unavailable. What he is doing is VERY passive aggressive. He is basically punishing you. Passive aggressive behavior is full of a TON of child, wounded energy. He is like a little kid, throwing a tantrum. He is blaming you for how he is feeling and then punishing you for it. If his adult energy were in charge, he would talk to about what isn’t working for him (in the moment) and just simply ask for a different way to do things. He would be able to forgive and release and move on. Remember how you were so upset that he ate, even though you said you were gonna cook? Remember how upset you were and you couldn’t change it? Then you mentioned how he was eating the celery? That was you in your child energy, taking over your adult energy. If you were in more of an adult energy at that time, you would have stated what you needed from him, accepted he made a different choice and then let it go. Instead it festered in you. He is doing the same thing, but on a bigger scale.
This is not your fault. Relationships are going to have hiccups and challenges. Healthy, solid relationships work through those challenges. Thing is, you have attached yourself to a runner. So that means when things get difficult enough, he is going to disconnect. That is just who he is and that will never change, unless he does some deeper work to heal that. I am a runner too. I know all about it! I could disconnect so fast and the poor guy would never know what the heck just happened. It took A LOT of work to heal that part of myself. I still have that instant instinct to run when things get tough, BUT my adult energy is strong enough now that I can put myself in a holding pattern until I talk to my friends, my coach and whomever else I need to, to get me back centered again and making decisions from a space of clarity vs. woundedness. He is making his decisions based on his woundedness and lack of safety he feels (inside of himself). All of that existed BEFORE you ever came along, so it’s not your fault he responds this way. You DID NOT mess this up!!! Here is an article that may help bring some clarity for you….
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Penny,
Gosh…I am soooo so sorry for all the confusion and hurt. It’s awful and painful. He is making some very hurtful choices.
The thing is, you are wanting him to do for you, what you are not doing for yourself. You want to yell at him “You are hurting me! WTF is wrong with you!” Let me spin that a bit. Would you say that you are hurting yourself by choosing to stay connected to a guy who is so hurtful? Would you say you are being loving to yourself by loving him more than yourself?
When you ask, how do I give up on someone I care so much about…the answer is, you care for yourself MORE. Imagine you are walking up to a big pit full of snakes. What you are doing by staying connected to him, is jumping right in and allowing yourself to get bit over and over and over again. You get out, but then you convince yourself that in that snake pit, is love. And not to say there isn’t love in there, but WITH that love, comes all the snake bites. There is no way around it. There is a wounded part of you, that is connecting love with pain and hurt and rejection. If you TRULY loved yourself in a BIG way (not a little way) you would not jump into that snake pit knowing the amount of pain you are about to go through.
Now…that’s obviously easier said than done. If it were really that simple, it would be easier to let go, but we have that heart connection, that especially for women, is so extremely difficult to let go of. I wish there were an easy way around this. Bottom line is, you have to be in enough pain, to finally make some different decisions. That means disconnecting completely and not seeing him until your heart is healed and not connected to him anymore. That means blocking him on every social media platform if that is what you need to do. And you step right into the pain of the loss you feel. You gotta go through it, if you are ever going to heal. So your choices are to face the pain of the loss, or face the pain of the snake pit. The hardest part about the snake pit, is there is no end to it. At least by saying goodbye to the snake pit, there is an ending to that type of pain. There is now the potential for a new creation and experience of love that will open for you at some point. But either way, it hurts. You just have to decide what you are willing to fight for….him, or yourself?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Such great questions!!!!
Let’s see if I can give you some ideas. Let’s look at what you are willing to do right now. Reality is, you are not willing to leave this relationship, regardless of how stressful it is for you. Part of it is him and part of it is you. Again, you can change yourself, as much as you want and it will help the relationship some. If he doesn’t change though, the relationship will ALWAYS be stressful. And I’m not talking simple behavioral change. I’m talking deeper change from wherever his woundedness lives. For example, he says to you “he doesn’t know how to stop himself from being that way” that is victim mentality. Truth is, it’s just not a priority. He is not in enough pain to do the work to find out. There are solutions out there, but he isn’t searching for them. Whenever someone tells me something like that, my response is always, well then go find out. Every person I have ever met, has had to learn something through a job, school or whatever, in order to survive. How did he ever learn to be in a band? HE SOUGHT OUT INFORMATION. YOU….are here, seeking information, more understanding, learning different viewpoints. He is just not that guy when it comes to his emotional health. At least not at this point. So you need to make decisions based on who he is TODAY, not who he could be someday. He is sooooo spot on when he tells you “this is who I am.” How many times does he have to say that to you??? THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!! Let him be that. He is hot and cold and hurtful. He is inconsiderate many times. He is financially irresponsible. He is romantic. He is attentive. He is connective. He listens to you. The thing is with ALL of this is, it’s a HUGE swing from one side to the other vs. being a small swing. As long as you are connected to him, this is how it will be. Regardless of your successes in life and how you feel about yourself, you also have other parts of you that would be attracted to a very stressful relationship.
So again, your choices are just 2: 1. stay and keep working on yourself. Forget about him and needing him to change. Keep working on yourself and your reactions, your need to control and the anxiety that shows up. This choice is A LOT of work. You will keep getting triggered over and over and over again with no end in sight. Just as you start to feel like you are gaining ground again, you will get triggered, so there is no real rest. 2. You decide that is not how you want to live your life. You break up and work on healing your heart. You work on getting to know those parts of you that attracted a very stressful relationship and you heal those parts. This is VERY hard as well, but this at least has some closure and doesn’t leave the door open for more triggering. It allows you the space and time to do true, deep healing work and to rest.
Either choice is very hard Melissa. There is no way to avoid that. What isn’t fair to either of you, is to hold on, hoping that he will change. He deserves to be loved for EXACTLY who he is in this moment and he keeps trying to tell you that, but you aren’t listening.
To answer the question about “what are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do yourself?” Here is the path I was trying to take you down. You want him to listen to you. You want him to care for you. You want him to be more responsible with money. You want to feel trust and emotional safety with him. Now…looking at that list, would you say you are all of those things for yourself? Do you actually listen to yourself? Are you loving and caring for yourself when you are hurting? Do you trust yourself?
Instead of you nurturing yourself, caring and loving yourself when he goes cold and rejects you, you come to him, with all your hurt in your hands and you hold your hands out to him, for him to fix. You need him to say he is sorry. You need him to care that he disconnects. You need him to help you feel better. So that is an example of how you are holding your heart out to him to fix, because you are not willing to do it yourself. There is a way to forgive and heal and find your center again, WITHOUT him. That being said, reality is, it will ALWAYS be a trigger, because it’s supposed to be. It’s no different than a hot stove. If you touch it, it’s going to hurt, no matter how many times you touch it. It will just ALWAYS hurt, because it’s supposed to! The nerves in your finger are meant to PROTECT you by sending messages to your brain to create pain….DANGER is what those nerves are telling you. So you are SUPPOSED to hurt when your lover rejects you and goes cold. If it didn’t, I would wonder what is going on for you. So it’s more about looking at “why do I keep choosing to stick my finger on the hot stove vs. how do I not hurt by putting my finger on the stove?” Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I understand your fear and anxiety about how everything is going. Give it a little more time. This is the hardest part. If he said he doesn’t want to repeat the pattern you guys go through all the time, which is challenging communication, then this is something REALLY important for you to grasp onto, if you are ever going to get him back. He is wanting something different. He may need to go out and date just to feel himself with other women. It’s okay! Somethings this can be the very best thing that happens. Who knows what will happen, but what is most important is that you begin to shift how you communicate and deal with your “freak out” in a healthier way. This is the perfect time to do that! And to show him you are willing to shift and become a better partner.
This is going to take some time. Let’s work through how you can handle this in a healthy way. What EXACTLY is your “freak out” about? It’s insecurity, but what EXACTLY are you feeling insecure about?
For now, give him space. DO NOT text him. Let him feel what his life is like without you in it. Any texting you initiate right now, he will know you are doing, because you want him back. He may just be holding really strong right now, so let him. Let him feel what it’s like for you not to chase him. And this will give you some time to look at what is coming up for you emotionally and start to face it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
That was a PERFECT article for what we talked about with bossy lady. I LOVE that analogy as well! It’s such a great way to portray the concept!
I do still want to caution you on your beliefs about JB…or anyone online. Remember that it’s actions AND words that help you know how aligned someone is. You want to see and experience that what someone says, is also supported by their actions and vice versa…otherwise neither words nor actions have much meaning. With anyone online, all you have are words, no action. So instead of deciding whether or not you need to believe someone is true to their words or not, how about you just don’t decide to believe or not believe. You just don’t have enough information. You only have a partial picture of who they are, through the exchange of words and that is not enough to determine anything about someone. Heck, even in person many people have a hard time aligning their actions with their words.
I understand your need to have attention and be liked. I functioned from the same exact beliefs, I just went about getting my needs met in a different way than you did. I was someone that a lot of girls wanted to be like and at the same time, I too wanted to be like other girls who were more popular and seemed to have a magnetism and seemed so much more comfortable in themselves than I felt. I’d be curious if I talked to those girls today, what they would say about that 🙂
Romance is such an interesting category, isn’t it? It triggers so many things in a way that only romance can trigger. However, your need for attention is still coming from the same source that fueled you in high school to want to be seen and liked by people. Again, you are wanting the guy to give you attention, even just for a moment, to help you feel valuable, seen and desirable. Do you think you would feel these things about yourself without a man telling you or giving you attention??
I LOVE that you had a silly conversation. It’s soooo possible and I have come across plenty of silly guys. It’s so great! I love that you get to feel a very different side to yourself with this new guy. BTW….I totally started busting up when you talked about you and your little guy in the car. It was sooooo great!!!! I love it!!! I use experiences like that, to help me set standards as to how I want to feel with my guy. Your kids are great role models of what it feels like to get to be yourself around another person and be loved and accepted.
I also love how in your group, you recognized the space that one guy was in and how it was reflective of where you used to be. I LOVE moments like that, because it helps reflect back to me how much I have grown. You have come a long way!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
So good to hear your updates! You are asking some great questions.
Yes, part of your increased need to control is because of the kind of person he is. You have a certain way you live your life and present yourself. He is different. He is okay needing to borrow money and living paycheck to paycheck. He is okay sleeping in and not showing up to work. He is okay taking a week off of work to go play in his band somewhere. This kind of life is comfortable for him, but it’s not for you. In order for you to feel balanced and happy, you have certain standards and he doesn’t match those standards…therefore your stress levels increase and your need to control increases.
However, with all of that being said, it still ultimately comes down to you. Reality is, even if you controlled less, there are certain ways you really enjoy living your life. It feels good for you to show up to work on time and be dependable. Anyone who lives their life otherwise, is always going to be challenging for you, not matter how healthy you get. Remember that being healthy is not about not getting triggered into control, it’s more about making choices that align with the ways you like to live. It’s okay that you live your life the way you do. When things get more stressful, you control more. That will ALWAYS happen. That is one of your coping skills. How often you visit that place of over controlling is what you can actually change. Part of that is working on healing what is in you, your fears and insecurities and the other part is looking at what you are choosing. So reality is, you are choosing a guy who is always going to trigger an increased need to control just because of who he is. That part will not change. But you can change yourself and working on your insecurities. So the question to ask yourself, is “what are you wanting HIM to do for you, that you are not willing to do yourself?”
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome!
First, how did you guys communicate? Through talking on the phone, through texting, through video chat?
How come you guys only saw each other 2x in 3 months?
I’m wondering if something happened that made him disconnect so quickly. Was there anything in your conversations that you noticed would make him feel uncomfortable? Are you sure he isn’t already in a relationship?
Do you know anyone who knows him? If yes, is there a way to find out what he is doing, through them? I’m sure you have checked social media already. Is he still active on it? You know he isn’t in a hospital somewhere, right?
I”m trying to see if there is a way to gather more information about him first, before figuring out what you need to do. It’s been about a week since you guys talked, correct?
Heidi
Hi M,
I would make it goal to wait 30 days before texting him the hero instinct. I know that feels like a long time. Part of why I suggest that is it gives YOU time as well, to sort through what you really want. What’s important, more than anything, is that he fights for you. You are correct in wanting him to reach out to you and initiate. Giving him 30 days is a good amount of time for him to miss you and initiate something. You have already made your efforts and showed him you are willing to connect, so now it’s his turn. If he doesn’t reach out, then it’s important for you to make a decision as to whether you want to continue fighting for a guy who isn’t putting any effort into re-connecting with you. It doesn’t mean it’s completely over forever. I’ve seen people get back together after 6 months, after 2 years etc. But it will mean you need to decide to either keep staying in contact every once in awhile or let the idea of him go and move on with your life.
I’m glad you are taking this as a learning experience. Every person that interacts with us, has something to teach us. Those guys who were controlling were teaching you as well. It’s hard to know the depths of someone in a few dates, but there are A LOT of ways to get a pretty clear picture about how someone functions, very early on. There are specific questions you can ask, there are small nuances you can notice, like the kinds of words they use when they talk, how they treat other people (i.e. servers in a restaurant), using your intuition to pick up on energies that you notice. Most of all though, the BEST way to see behind the veil of how someone presents themselves in the beginning, is to know yourself deeper and deeper. We are all fundamentally the same. By knowing yourself, you also know someone else. But it’s more about deep diving in the subconscious. The subconscious is what influences somewhere around 80% of how we act and what we decide in our lives. It does have a language. When you learn the language in yourself, you can instantly see it in others. For example, when I am balanced and feeling normal, I’m a super easy going driver. When my stress levels start to rise, I’m still an easy going driver, but I will get easily irritated and I will cuss. The moment I start to cuss, that is a sign from my subconscious that my stress levels are elevated and need to check in with myself. So when someone is a controlling person, there are all kinds of signs they carry that will let you know that pretty quickly. Learning how to read people takes practice, but again the best way to learn is on yourself. Start to pay attention to the words you use, your patterns, the people you are surrounded by, the people you dislike, the people you really enjoy….those are ALL expressions of your subconscious. Does this make sense?
You might also want to read the section about developing your feminine intuition. It’s fantastic and am important skill to develop.
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Welcome! I am so glad you are here and asking this great question! I love that you are seeking clarity BEFORE reacting in a way that could cause a BIG mess. Well done!!! Very smart thing to do.
Okay…let’s dive a little deeper here. What is happening inside of you, that you are reacting to this?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what his ex does. He is with YOU. Her trying to get his attention back, is about her and whatever she is struggling with. She is obviously not dealing with whatever she is feeling, in a healthy way. She is still trying to get his attention, even though things have been over for a long time and she is married. She may be someone who needs A LOT of attention and she feeds off of getting men to react to her. I don’t know. Regardless, she is who she is and you are giving her power to shake you up and feel threatened. She is just reflecting an insecurity inside of you. Maybe it’s time you really look at that and face it?
By wanting your fiancĂ© to say something, you are wanting him to fix this, so you don’t have to feel insecure. You are wanting him to do this for you, so you don’t have to do this yourself. For a strong and healthy relationship, it’s important for BOTH people to have the skillset to face their own fears and insecurities, without asking your partner to do it for you. This is the hard way, but well worth it, as there is healing that comes from it.
So what are you insecure about? What is his ex triggering in you?
Heidi
I was actually wondering that about your dog and the process to bring her back to France. I actually just realized…boy or girl dog? Name?
Anyways, my dog came from Africa…Zimbabwe. The family that had him before me, lived in Africa at the time and rescued him from a pretty bad shelter. Bringing him back to Colorado was quite the process. Glad I wasn’t the one that had to deal with that!It cracks me up about the small Christmas gift that he didn’t get you! I think it was about 2 weeks ago, that the people on the radio were talking about this exact thing. It was 2 guys and a girl and one of the guys was newly dating someone and asked the other 2, “Should I get her gift? I don’t know…it’s still so new.” This led into a hilarious conversation, but it just highlighted the different thought processes men and women have about things. I say…just let it go. It happened just once and it really doesn’t mean anything. I imagine the next time it’s appropriate to get you a gift, it will happen.
I imagine you will have many moments where your “chief” energy will not be the best thing. It’s inevitable. The test will be whether or not he has the balls to call you out on it. I hope he does, because that will only increase your respect for him…something that is super important for you.
Have you gone to see his house that he is building yet?
Heidi
I was actually wondering that about your dog and the process to bring her back to France. I actually just realized…boy or girl dog? Name?
Anyways, my dog came from Africa…Zimbabwe. The family that had him before me, lived in Africa at the time and rescued him from a pretty bad shelter. Bringing him back to Colorado was quite the process. Glad I wasn’t the one that had to deal with that!It cracks me up about the small Christmas gift that he didn’t get you! I think it was about 2 weeks ago, that the people on the radio were talking about this exact thing. It was 2 guys and a girl and one of the guys was newly dating someone and asked the other 2, “Should I get her gift? I don’t know…it’s still so new.” This led into a hilarious conversation, but it just highlighted the different thought processes men and women have about things. I say…just let it go. It happened just once and it really doesn’t mean anything. I imagine the next time it’s appropriate to get you a gift, it will happen.
I imagine you will have many moments where your “chief” energy will not be the best thing. It’s inevitable. The test will be whether or not he has the balls to call you out on it. I hope he does, because that will only increase your respect for him…something that is super important for you.
Have you gone to see his house that he is building yet?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Of course he is sending mixed signals. Just because he broke up, does not mean he doesn’t still have feelings for you. Remember that you guys have had this pattern for a loooong time. Breaking up doesn’t mean you can’t get back together. What I’m guessing happens, is that the rubber band snaps, the pressure is relieved, which then allows for more openness and connection. The talk you guys had was awesome! It was peaceful, connected and no arguing. That would create bonding between you guys. It would cause his heart and desire for you to open more. Many times, people just need to say something and then all of a sudden, the energy released and they no long need what they just asked for or said. Then, you add on top of that, you are carrying cancer in your body. That, in and of itself, is going to make him want you terribly close and also far away, all at the same time. So no, you are not overanalyzing his signals. You are spot on!
As far as doing the hero instinct, broaden your thought process. No, he cannot fix your health, but he CAN make you feel better. He CAN make your life a little easier. So the way you activate his hero instinct is with little things like, “My feet are terribly sore. Would you mind rubbing them for just a few minutes?” “I really would like to have some help getting my dr. appointment today. Would you mind just dropping me off? I have a friend picking me up after.” Those are just some examples, but basically, you are making him a hero by letting him help you feel better in small way or helping to make your life a little easier. Does this make sense?
Also, here is a book for you. Not sure if it’s your thing, but if it is, it’s a powerful book!
Heidi
Hi Vino!
I get it I get it!!! hahaha! Working through this platform definitely can slow down the process of understanding. It makes a lot of sense now. Yes, I believe we are speaking from the same exact space, but just use different words to explain it. I think, for me, the words strong or weak can easily have judgment attached to them. As an athlete, weak days were bad. To cry was weak, but that meant I wasn’t being strong, which was not a good thing. These are social programs as well as some of my own programs from growing up. Even in most movies or tv shows, being weak is not portrayed as a positive thing. So when you are defining crying as weak, from the societal programming, I thought you were judging it as a bad thing. Now, I understand what you mean and how you viewing it. We are like-minded then! Time to move on as there are so many other things to talk about! lol
“Truth is, I don’t want to see her pain, because I don’t care that much. However… I do want to know what it is, because it affects me.” I get it and I’m glad you are recognizing that caring about her pain means caring about yourself. You are spot on by seeing that if you spend a little time trying to understand someone’s triggers, so you can understand your own reactions, you are doing 2 things. You are connecting “behind the veil” to better understand yourself and you are also hopefully able to access your compassion and soften towards someone who is in a lot of pain and probably NEVER feels compassion. That’s a very sad life to live. You described her really well when you really though about it. People who have a high need for “power over” others, feel VERY powerless in their own lives. That’s all you need to know to be able to identify with what she must be feeling like in her life. You know EXACTLY what she feels like. And yes, she is still obviously stuck in that cycle and she is not ready to leave it. She is most likely very addicted to staying in relationship with the victim mentality. She is so identified to that way of thinking and living that to ask her to do any different is like asking a heroine addict in the middle of shooting up, to stop and do something different. “When the student is ready, the teacher will show up.” So when and if she is ever ready to free herself from that way of thinking, she will be provided for, just as you were. So whenever I come across people like that, I say a silent prayer for them, “Give them the strength to see their lives through eyes of truth. Magnify the light in them.” It’s my indirect way of helping them without getting caught up or participating in their cycle.
“What kind of things did you take on to prove that you were strong? What kind of drama did you create? What does your peace look like now?”
You are right. You and I lived our lives very differently. I was extremely social. It was very important to me to be popular and the best at everything I did. At the same time, I HATED that I wanted that and even cared, because even from a very young age, I was always easily connected to a higher truth. Even though I knew that none of that even matters and it was an expression of my own insecurity, the energy and drive was SO STRONG (just like yours was to hide) that it just was what it was.
I’ll answer your questions in the area of dating, otherwise I would end up writing a freaking book if I talked about all of it. I would create drama and take on things by dating guys that were emotionally unavailable. Deep down I wanted a loving connection, but would ALWAYS be attracted to guys who had that “thing” that many girls wanted. That “bad boy” kind of energy. Every single time I knew what I was getting into. I knew the games I would have to play, the rejection I would have to feel, the frustration that would be there, the self control I would have to muster up. The reward? I usually did get their attention, at least for a period of time, but never once did it feel comfortable or easy. I was always “on” doing and being whatever I needed to be, to KEEP their attention. It was a very stressful and exhausting way to live. My insecurities were constantly running my life. I was CONSTANTLY getting triggered by dating those kinds of guys. They never really knew or saw those sides of me. I was pretty good at controlling all those crazy emotions I was really feeling. Now, my peaceful life exists in a way that I do not invite ANYONE into my life who I cannot be authentic with. I do not have a single relationship in my personal life (even family) where I feel an obligation to keep it going. 100% of the people in my life, I WANT in my life. I get to be true and authentic self and they LOVE me for it. It’s so easy and peaceful! I don’t have to pretend and I don’t have to filter like I do to the rest of the world. My relationships regenerate and restore me. So this area of my life, is well protected and well nourished. I no longer have my insecurities choosing friendships or who to date. My positive self esteem now decides. Thank goodness!I think it’s why I became so attracted to and obsessed with understanding the subconscious. No matter what I knew was “right” in my conscious mind, I would watch myself make decisions and create these strong patterns that were in the opposite direction. I knew that was my subconscious running the show. I knew the only way I was going to change my reality and align with what I knew what “right” was to dig in deep and connect to those subconscious beliefs that were limiting me and running the show…and shift them. So when you look at your pattern of being drawn to men and more retracted from women, it has nothing to do with either of them. It has to do with your subconscious beliefs you have about both men and women. Those subconscious beliefs are SO strong and they act like a beacon and send out an energetic message, attracting people who align with that energetic signal and bring them into your life. So if you look at patterns in your life, who you are attracted to and not attracted to, the situations that show up, it ALL is telling you what is living DEEP inside your subconscious. Your life and how you create it, is a direct reflection of who you REALLY are, on all levels….not what you think you are. Does this make sense?
Again…I LOVE talking with you! Thank you for working through all of this with me!
Heidi
How about we talk about the term “weak.”
The thing is, what you consider weak, is actually not really weak. Let me give you a different perspective here. You say that you were weak because you couldn’t handle all of the stress. I remember believing that as well when I was in my teens. The more I could take on without breaking, the stronger I was. I thought myself getting weak when I started to break down emotionally and getting vulnerable. Here is the truth though. That isn’t strong. It’s not strong to keep loading your life up with challenge after challenge after challenge. What that really is, is an addiction to drama and chaos and challenge. The therapist that I was working with at the time, said to me, “Smart people are the ones that say NO to inviting unhealthy and unnecessary challenges into their lives.” When I really thought about, it made sense. Then I went out and tried to apply that to my life. I realize how addicted I was to having something I always had to conquer and fix in my life, so I kept attracting situations that brought about those challenges. I realized that I was defining peace and ease as “boring.” So the real strength really lied in me stepping into peace and ease and getting comfortable with that. There was NOTHING easy about that!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to go back the other way, but I did it! Now…my life is practically drama free. I LOVE my life. I only invite healthy challenges into my life. I walk away VERY QUICKLY once someone or something starts to pull me in an unhealthy direction. I protect my peace and ease now, very well. So it’s not “weak” because you can’t handle all the stress or that you need to cry. It’s just vulnerability. NO ONE is ever meant to handle large amounts of stress. That’s not really how life was meant to be lived. Those people who can handle large amounts of stress, all the time are in an addiction pattern. They are not strong because of it. They are no different than a drug addict. They are running from something. Strength is facing your fears. Strength is facing and embracing whatever emotions you carry inside. Weakness is running away from it.
Maybe this is a different way for you to look at what strength and weakness are. Not sure if this makes sense.
Heidi
Wow! 2 years. That’s a lot of time to spend there. I’m so glad your pup crossed paths with you and that you chose to save her life! They are worth every bit of our efforts aren’t they???
It makes me really happy that he is connective with your dog. That’s soooo so important! So far, so good. He is passing a lot of the most important tests.
I’m also happy to hear that sex is good AND that he is also able to just lay in bed and snuggle. Also very important!
I can see why he would call you “chief.” I obviously only know you through this forum, but you do have a leadership type of energy. You know what you want, who you are and you are straight up about it. Those qualities make you a good leader. I know here, fireman call their boss, “chief.” So my guess is, he know he can’t get away with anything with you…you will call him out on it. He obviously likes it though. He needs a strong woman, so my guess is, that is term of endearment and a sign of respect. At least I hope so! lol.
Heidi
