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Hi Nicole,
Welcome! This is a bit of a sticky situation.
I find it really interesting that this girl has so much power. First, the fact that she even cares, just tells you she is holding onto hurt from the past and is not someone to let go of things. She is still suffering and that is HER choice. Because she is still suffering, he is still in relationship with her on some level, in the sense that he is still feeling responsible on some level. He hasn’t fully let go either. This does not mean the connection that still exists is through romance. I’m just saying they are still having a connection through her suffering and his need to make things okay (generally speaking). I am wondering if she created A LOT of drama when they ended things and he is scared she will do that again…at his workplace. I imagine if they didn’t work together, it all would be completely different.
The thing is, she doesn’t get to decide and the fact she is even taking on some of that power, says something about her. The fact that he had soooo much anxiety and felt he needed to talk to her and get her approval on some level to date you, says something about him as well. Neither of them have completely forgiven and released whatever happened 2 years back. With that being said, know that if you enter into dating him, whatever baggage he is carrying about her (and other ladies he has dated) will carry forward with you. So watch his patterns and how he is showing up with this whole situation. He is showing you who he is, when he is stressed and who he gives his power away to. His tendency seems to be on the co-dependent side (always needing to keep the peace – even at the expense of his own needs and wants).
As you move forward with this situation, it’s important that HE makes the decision and initiates. He needs to deal with his anxiety about this other girl, if he is ever going to feel comfortable dating you. He needs to make that effort, otherwise he might be that type to give into pressure (co-dependent behavior) to make you happy too, but won’t be happy in himself.
I tend to be a pretty blunt person, so my personal approach would be to say something like, “Listen…before we move forward into anything, you have to feel comfortable, easy and without worry. If you are that concerned about what she will think and how she will behave, then that is something I am not interested in experiencing with you. I would love to get to know you more, but not at the expense of your comfort level with her. I will not go up and down, date and not date etc. because you are trying to keep the peace. So whenever you feel resolved that her opinion and feelings are not your concern anymore, I’m happy to take an adventure with you. If not, I totally respect your choice. You take the lead on this.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
I want to encourage you not to really get into conversation about this other girl. The more you guys talk about her, the more she becomes important and a bonding subject between you guys. Yuk! So you also need to decide what is important for you. If you feel her friendship is more important, then honor that. If not, that’s okay too…go do what you want. Either way, there are consequences. If you choose her friendship and to keep the peace at work, you are releasing the idea of him. If you choose yourself and to date him, you are risking the loss of a work friend and some drama at work. So what are YOU willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Kit,
Wow…this is a really challenging situation you are in. How often do you guys get to see each other? It sounds like you both have a good friendship and good contact with each other. I’m just wondering how much time you have spent together in person over the past 3 years. Have you guys ever talked about moving into the same area at some point? Where does this other girl live? Is that also long distance?
Of course you are depressed. The guy you love, is not fully committed to you. He may be your boyfriend, but he is not willing to commit his heart to you, whether it’s because of this other girl, or because he is terrified to commit and uses this other girl as an excuse. Do you know if he has ever been “in love” before? What is his past relationship history?? How old are you both?
This is a tricky situation Kit. If you start to make some changes, you are now risking losing him. He is completely content with how things are right now, so if you shake that up at all, know there is a risk that he will head away from you, not towards you. But it sounds like you are at the point where you cannot support this design of the relationship anymore. It hurts too much and it is supposed to. You cannot obtain depth and growth with each other when he has 1 foot out the door and connecting with another girl. As long as he keeps connecting with her, it will always limit what you and him have together.
Let’s talk a little about your relationship. There may be things you can do to help the relationship become stronger. Is there anything that you guys tend to argue about? Is there anything you are aware of that he is unhappy about? What areas do you feel you could be a better partner for him? And him for you?
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
We are glad you are here!
I’m so sorry for your breakup. First, I imagine it was awful to discover that he cheated on you and second, you get another whammie with him feeling confused and wanting to breakup. Ouch!
Can you tell us a little more about what is going on in your marriage? Do you know why he cheated or how it came about? You say you want to fix your marriage…so what EXACTLY is broken? What needs to be healed between you guys?
The no contact rule obviously won’t work in your situation, but there are other things you can do. When you are able to share more details, we can better guide you as to what some of the options are.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Oh man…I am so so sorry! I know that exact feeling you are talking about, with feeling punched in the stomach. It stings, doesn’t it?
First and foremost, you did nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself. The reason you are suffering and feeling so rejected, is because of the story you are created around him disconnecting from the group. I agree with your friend in that the story you are putting around his choice is on the extreme side. From my perspective, he most likely is just disconnecting, because he doesn’t want to be part of the conversation that should be private and personal and just between you and your financial guy. I don’t think you messed anything up.
But let’s just go there for a second. Let’s say you did mess up. So what? Your pure intention was just to possibly inspire him to re-connect with you and to portray that you are doing okay in your life. What’s so damaging or bad or wrong about that? You did NOTHING to cause him harm. And so what if he saw through what you were doing. That could very well be true and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means that he noticed you were wanting to connect. What’s so bad about that?
Remember Sharon…you are loveable and worth fighting for, even in your messiness. You are far from perfect, just like him and that’s okay! Now is the time to love yourself, be kind and compassionate with yourself, even “if” you messed up. Him disconnecting from you, does not mean he gets to decide your value! Him disconnecting from you doesn’t mean you disconnect from you. Stay with yourself. Stay supportive of yourself. Staying loving towards yourself, even when he isn’t. This is a skill and a choice, every second of every day. This skill will make you a much better lover anyways, so if you guys do get back together, you will better be able to handle whatever shows up.
Now go get some balloons!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
The past few days sound really wonderful! You guys really do have a beautiful connection!
I would really encourage you to not leave this forum! We LOVE hearing when things are going well! Plus, writing it down and allowing us to acknowledge it and validate it, it can strengthen the good stuff, which is SO IMPORTANT! It can help keep your focus on what you DO have. We want to celebrate with you. We want to support you, no matter when things are wonderful or challenging. Besides, I would miss you! I love hearing your updates and I love hearing how loving and caring and sweet he is with you too. It always makes me smile and makes me really happy for you that you get to feel that with a man.
I understand if you still need a break for awhile. Either way, we really enjoy connecting with you!
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I imagine he stopped messaging, because he didn’t want to lead you on or have you misinterpret his intentions. Give it a little more time as he learns that you do have the ability to be friends like you were before.
You are correct, just because he is responding to your pictures every once in awhile, does not mean anything. I really do want to encourage you to let go of the idea of him as a romantic partner. It will help you move on and have your heart available for someone else who responds to you in romantic way. I wish there were something else you could do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the energy around him and let your heart heal.
Heidi
Ohhhh! I didn’t realize the he didn’t want contact anymore. I missed that part. That would make it difficult to be friends then, since he isn’t open to that. My guess is, you are right. He is uncomfortable that you have feelings for him and he doesn’t really know how to deal with that. Will you guys ever run into each other again through mutual friends or group situations? That might be a good way to show him that you have full and complete ability to have feelings for him AND just be friends.
Still posting on Instagram is a good idea. I get what you are trying to do and it may work at some point, to open the door to connecting again, even if just as friends.I have a lot of respect for you, that you are handling it the way you are. It’s not easy to be rejected like that. You are quite strong and resilient!
Heidi
Hi Katrina,
What a wonderful question. Have you ever asked him that? It’s hard to say EXACTLY what more you can do, as each person receives and needs support that is unique to what they respond to. It sounds like you are doing a really good job already! And it sounds like he is responding well to it.
Mostly, keep doing what IS working. Keep staying in the present and keep taking 1 day at a time. If you start to talk about future stuff, he may likely run. He can talk about it, but you are best to stay away from talking about it, until he has his feet on the ground more. Keep reminding him of his best self. When you talk to him, you can say things like, “You are a strong soul. I know you have the ability to make this decision.” “You are resilient. You have complete trust you will figure this out…” Those kinds of statements will remind him of who he is, beneath all the pain. Make sure to keep complimenting him and remind him of the things you like about him, how you appreciate him, you much he adds to your life. Find different ways to express that to him, beyond just words. You can also send him videos, maybe Ted Talks, that are on the topic of whatever he is struggling with. Videos that have wisdom, encouragement or tips to help him. Maybe read some self help books yourself and then share what you are learning about yourself with him. Men learn A TON by just watching their woman figure things out.
Does this help?
Heidi
Wooohooo!!! OMG! I love everything you just said! Every single bit of that is truth! Now, the hard part about that, is to be able remember that, when a guy isn’t choosing you. Where all of us tend to get stuck and in our low self esteem, is when someone, or many someones, are rejecting us. It starts to make us question, “What’s wrong with me, that he didn’t want me?” “What did I do wrong?” Many times, we even forget that we didn’t want them either, because we are just focused on why they didn’t want us. Online dating does that to a lot of people. Rejection is quite powerful! It can so easily pull us off the truth and into low self esteem. That’s why it so important to have a plan when you get rejected. How do you handle it? What techniques do you have to help you get quickly connected back to the truth? How can you reconnect back to your high self esteem even though no one is paying attention to you?
Heidi
Hi Maddy,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. I can feel your devastation. It’s soooo hard to watch someone you truly care about, slip through your hands.
First, I am glad you are recognizing your insecurities. It’s important to understand that those insecurities are important for you to face. They don’t just go away, because you say they go away. You will get triggered again and again and again until you face your feelings. You are carrying a lot of woundedness and it will continue to influence any relationship you enter into. What are you willing to do, to work on yourself? To deal with your insecurities and begin to heal them? Would you be willing to work with a therapist or coach? Are you willing to read some books, watch videos, go to workshops? There is no way he is ever going to believe that you have changed, until you actually have changed. He knows enough to know that you can’t just change behavior like that. It requires work and time.
For now, I suggest to give him space. Even in your attempts to fix things, you were very pushy and not listening to him, which is the same exact pattern as you not listening to him when he was telling you he wasn’t cheating. The fact that he had to block you, because he didn’t trust that you could respect his boundary, lets you the know the one thing you CAN do to help repair this…give him space. Take this time right now and commit to focusing on yourself. You lost someone you really cared about, because of your insecurities. Those insecurities are still there. Why not set some things in emotions to start healing those parts of you?? Then, maybe in a month or 2, you can reach out and let him know that you have actually been working on yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
I totally understand that you want to hold onto him. What I am suggesting does not mean it has to be over for good. When you work on healing your heart, you actually gain more clarity and get more centered, which in the long run, makes your heart much more available for him in the future. It’s about fighting for yourself to heal your heart, just as much, if not more-so, than your desire to get him back. Healing your heart is a good top priority to have!
So instead of living in the suffering about not having him at the moment, you instead remind yourself that even though it’s over for right now, you are okay. The suffering caused from the loss of him, can heal. The sooner you can get to that place of feeling grounded and centered in yourself and feeling good about your life, the more healthy you will be to enter back into relationship with him. So keep working through those emotions you are feeling. I’m really glad to hear that you are feeling better the past few days. It’s not easy what you are dealing with! Let us know how those techniques work for you. There are other ones we can suggest.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Hopefully you looked up the Gottman website and discovered he has a handful of books available. I love all of them. Helen Fisher also has some great books and tons of info based on her scientific research. Those are the 2 places I would start, but of course there are a ton more recommendations we could offer, between me and Kanya. If those don’t resonate for you, then let us know and we can keep giving you some ideas.
It sounds like you are very clear about what you want at this moment. If you are clear that you don’t want to see him while he is still seeing her, what is stopping you from just saying that? You can say something like, “I love you and I want you back, but not like this. It seems as though you are not willing to let her go and I will respect that, but I will not longer participate in the design we have created now. It’s not okay for me. That means I am no longer willing to meet with you.”
What I think it important to also get more clear about, is what do you want from him? If he does decide to come back, then what? What do you want from him? Do you want him to behave differently? Do you want him to communicate differently? You want to have a better marriage, so how do you do that? You can read books all you want, but there needs to be plan that you BOTH decide to put into ACTION in order to reach what you both want. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so glad you really connected to making your apartment feel like home, even though it’s temporary. It really will feel amazing for you. It’s your home RIGHT NOW, and that is the only moment we truly have to deal with. Living in the moment, instead of what will be at some point, is much more powerful and fulfilling. What are some things you are going to do to make it feel more like your home??
Let’s talk about this statement you made: “IF I didn’t need anyone else in my life, then what’s the point of building a relationship at all?”
What it is sounding like, is that you don’t feel like you can fully and completely be happy if you don’t have “your man” in your life. Is that what it feels like for you? There are pros and cons to both being single AND in relationship. This hole that you feel, is something that is important for you to fill on your own first, so that you don’t let your man fill it for you. If there is a hole, you then need him to “complete” you and help you feel like a whole person. Instead, imagine feeling complete and whole and happy and not needing anything more than what you already have in your life. You are all filled up. THEN you meet him. First, you will be living at a much higher vibration of happiness and will attract a higher vibration man. Second, he will ADD TO your life, not complete your life, which makes for a much healthier love. Feeling love is the easy part, but far from enough to have a successful relationship. You want more than just love and connection. You want to relate to each other in a healthy way to support that love. If he is “completing” you and filling that hole, and he agrees to function in that way, that’s a love that is going to be filled with a lot of drama. Make sense? For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my life. Of course I have my moments. I can feel I am ready to attract my guy into my life, however I do not “need” him. I know that him coming into my life, will bring a lot of new challenges that only love can bring. I will get to feel an amazingly powerful love and I will get triggered in ways that I don’t get triggered in my very nice, peaceful life. So will my life be better if once I meet him? No, not really. My life is pretty great right now and I am so filled up. My life will just be different and I will get to feel all sorts of different things that I don’t feel while being single. But then again, being single, I get to feel and do all sorts of things I won’t, by being in a relationship. Neither is better than the other…they are just different experiences. I’m happy either way and that is my job. I will not wait for a man to feel my full and complete happiness that is my divine right to feel at all moments. I will not wait for a man to feel complete in myself. That is all of our jobs if we truly want to feel that happiness that is sustainable and deep. Does this make sense? Thoughts?It’s a bummer your apartment doesn’t allow dogs. I’m the same as you. I would rather honor the guidelines than to break them. Being in your integrity is important!
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
I understand the roller coaster ride of good days and then days full of crying. It’s pretty normal. On the days you are crying, what are you doing to help yourself heal those emotions?
As far as him dating/talking to someone new as he claims he wants to work on himself, he actually IS working on himself. If one of his challenges/thoughts is that he hasn’t experienced enough before settling down with you, then going out and having more experiences is important for him. Also, he may be being influenced by his friends as well. A typical guy solution to a breakup is to head out to a bar and flirt with other ladies in hopes to have sex. Guys are just different, that’s all. Sometimes that is EXACTLY what they need to do, to learn about themselves. Many times, we learn by doing things that make us feel horrible. lol. It’s not much fun, but it’s an effective way to discover what doesn’t work, which leads us into knowing better what does work. What I’m basically trying to convey is he is working on himself, in HIS way. He is learning who he is, what he likes, doesn’t like, what works and doesn’t work for him, without you in the picture. He is creating his own identity separate than you. At the age where you guys are, it’s actually a very important step for development. I know it looks VERY different than how you are handling your time alone, so I want to encourage you to trust his process, even if you don’t understand nor agree with it. The story you are creating about what he is doing, I imagine is causing a lot of hurt and partly why you are crying. What if you switched the story to saying, “I trust his process. He is doing what he needs to do, in order to learn about himself. No matter what happens between us, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am strong and I will heal.”
He probably is still checking your social media, because he is still connected to you. It’s a way people can still see how you are doing and how you are living your life, without having to talk to you. It’s just him still caring about you and wanting to know what you are up to. Maybe he is checking to see if you are dating other guys, he may be checking to see who you are hanging out with, he may be checking to see if you are still living your life or depressed and not posting anything at all. It’s a way to kind of gauge how you are doing. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jess,
Did you post in a different category? Did we miss it??
It sounds like he is still very interested. I’m wondering what is going on with you guys, that you needed a break. What do you need to have happen, in order to get back together? What are you confused about? What is missing in your relationship that you needed a break?
I imagine neither of you wants to head back into old patterns, whatever they are, so the most important thing, is to figure out how to correct those patterns and create a new way to relate to each other. If you want to share more, we are happy to offer some ideas.
Heidi
