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Hey there!
Wow! You are moving! I’m not understanding completely though. You are moving in with your mom? Or your grandma? Or you are moving to a place next to them? How come you are moving?
I totally get why you would be hesitant to ask your guy for his help. I’m glad to hear he finally finished his place! Is he going to be moving in soon as well?
I think the best way you could ask him for help, is to just be honest. Let him know you are hesitant and why. This will let him know you care about him. You could say something like, “I want to ask you for help with something, but I am hesitant for a few reasons. I want to upgrade my home a little after I move. I know you just finished your house and I also remember that you helped your ex with her house and that didn’t turn out very well. So how does it feel for you for me to ask for your help with this project?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Angela,
You are asking a great question and it sounds like you are having a brand new experience with yourself. This is great!
First, it would be a good thing to stop contacting him. You don’t want to bombard him and not give him the time and space he needs to process everything you are sharing with him. When you are super easily available for him, it doesn’t activate his “hunting” type instincts, which most guys love – although a lot of them don’t really know that about themselves. It’s a good thing for you to become a little unavailable. So for now, do you feel like you could not contact him for a few weeks? Let him feel his life without you in it. That is so important for him to feel.
Second, I imagine that whatever pattern you guys have that is causing you guys to break up and get back together, is just not working for him anymore. I’m not sure what “pitch” you offered to him. Would you mind sharing more about that? Realistically, it’s a good idea to look at ways to heal the relationship so you guys don’t keep doing this. It’s exhausting isn’t it? What kinds of things can YOU do to become a better girlfriend? What can YOU do to change the patterns? What can YOU do to support him better?
Lastly, I think it’s a great thing that you are feeling vulnerable and scared. You are having access to feelings you haven’t had before. It’s so important to feel all kinds of things in a relationship. Our feelings are the messages from our subconscious. They show up to let us know that something deep down is going on and we need to pay attention to it. Would you mind explaining this a little further? Would you say that you typically don’t feel much in your life in general?
Heidi
Hi Heidi!
Welcome to the forum! I’ll answer your question here, but it would be great if you started your own thread. It makes it a lot easier for us coaches to keep track of everyone and make sure all their questions get answered.
You are asking a really great question! I think the best thing to expect is to just let it be whatever it is and see what kind of pattern emerges. Everyone is so different and now that technology is the only way to get to know someone right now, it’s important to have more patience than ever. Everyone’s pattern with technology is different. Maybe he is responding every few days. If that is his pattern, then that’s your baseline. What you want to look for is to make sure there is good initiation. If you are the only one initiating contact, then that would be something you want to start to back away from. Do you guys initiate contact pretty evenly? Have you guys talked over the phone or video conferenced yet? That would be a good next step if you haven’t done so. You can totally have dates over video conferencing. You can play cards, you can have dinner, you do a crossword puzzle together etc.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Let’s talk about your fear. Tell us more about that? What are you afraid of by being honest?
Heidi
Hi Sara,
You asked about how to use the hero instinct with a LDR. First, it’s important to understand that it this method typically works best when there is an established relationship. It sounds like this is still very new and you haven’t even met in person yet, so I’m not sure what impact it will have.
But basically, you can ask for some kind of advice. Is there a hobby he has that he knows a lot about? Is there a skill he has that could benefit you? For example, let’s say he loves to learn about the stars. You could ask him for advice about telescopes he uses or the best ways to know where to see a falling star. Maybe he knows a lot about photography. You could ask him advice about cameras or lighting. Is there anything you can think of that you could ask him for advice for?
Heidi
Hi Sara,
You are asking some great questions. It would be helpful for us if you can post all your questions in the same thread, so we can better keep track and make sure we respond to all of them.
I responded to one of your threads already, so go ahead and post your questions in that one. I will also respond to this question in that thread.
Thank you!
Hi!
What incredible insight and courage you have to face your life and embrace the truth. You are taking a path less traveled, which means it can get lonely sometimes. But it sounds like between the bible study, group and private therapy, you sure are doing a lot of good work and finding good support for your life. SPECTACULAR!!!!
The first thing I’d like to recommend is to switch your thinking around a bit about your “list.” I like to coach people to work with their list from a different perspective. I call it the “non-negotiable” list. On this list are the qualities that are non-negotiable. Meaning, they are qualities you CANNOT live without. Without these qualities, you know the relationship will not last and you know your soul will not be fed. These are the foundational qualities. Imagine these qualities as the ground and foundation you would build your house upon. Without these qualities, there will always be something missing which could actually cause your entire house (the relationship) to breakdown somehow over time. Let’s say you come up with 20 qualities and you meet a guy with 18 of those qualities, IT WON”T WORK! These qualities are truly, through and through, non-negotiable. The 2nd half of the equation is you. If you go by the rule “you cannot receive what you don’t have” you will understand that you must embody every single one of those qualities on your list first and foremost. That way, you are not looking for someone else to “complete” you are fill you up in your life. You are complete and whole first and the guy just adds to your life. This is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
So here are a few examples of what is on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. LOVES animals
4. Loves the outdoors – hiking, camping etc.
5. Active
6. SpiritualNow…this is where dating can be helpful to help make sure your list is really clear and solid. When I was in my 20s, I remember that instead of having “active” I had athletic. Because I was an athlete, I was really attracted to a guy who played a sport and was good at it. I couldn’t imagine not being with an athlete. But then, I ended up a dating a guy who was active. He worked out, he hiked, he road his bike, he walked a lot. I discovered that I was actually totally good with that. And because I am always testing my theories, I even dated a guy who I would consider a couch potato (compared to me). No way! What I learned is that I like to play through sports. I want to go play tennis, racquetball, shoot some hoops, kick a soccer ball around, go for a hike, play ping pong or air hockey. And being likeminded in how you play together is really important. So the bottom line for me, is being with a guy who is active.
Does this make sense?
Here is also a great resource for you to start to get a picture of what a healthy relationship is. They have a lot of incredible books as well. Start reading! https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/research-and-methods/
Heidi
Hi Sara,
Welcome to the forum! I just have some questions.
How long have you guys been talking? Have you ever met in person? Did you meet online? How old are you guys? How did you guys communicate? Text? Video chat? Messaging?
It sounds like from your other post, that he is not interested in a LDR. He seems very clear about that, yet you seem to want to keep pursuing something with him and deepening this connection. It sounds like he just wants to keep it casual, yet you don’t. Would you say that is accurate?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
It’s never too late. If you trust that each of you is having the experience you need to have in order for your growth, then there is no such thing as “too late” – everything is as it should be – even if it is not what you want right now.
I think it’s really simple what you can do. You just send him a message saying something like, “I deeply care about you and you are someone I’ve wanted to explore a deeper relationship with for a long time. I also understand you have some things to resolve inside yourself about the other woman – and that’s okay. I realized cutting off communication completely was a defense mechanism of mine of not wanting to get hurt anymore. After having some time to process, I want you to know that my door is open to connecting again, whenever you feel completely resolved and ready to move forward, slowly. I honor and trust your process. I will also continue to move on and live my life as it presents itself to me. I am going to choose to just trust that what will be, will be. I don’t want to fight against what is happening, but instead, just embrace it and accept it. I hope we get to come together again, as I believe we have something worth exploring, but I really respect you setting some boundaries to make sure you truly resolve whatever is happening between you and your ex. Does this feel like an okay agreement?”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s really helpful.
I believe first and foremost in your statement “I need to learn to take care of myself first.” When it comes to your career, your heart, your body, your emotional and spiritual wellbeing…it’s all in YOUR hands. When you give up parts of your self to be with someone, you are building a very shaky foundation for any relationship. So let’s talk about this a little more. How do you feel you could take better care of yourself? What areas of your life do you tend to over-give? How does this serve you? Meaning, we all behave in a certain way because we believe it makes our life better in some way.
He is also showing you that he doesn’t take very good care of himself either. This is important for you to pay attention to, as you he is showing you who he is and how he handles stress. So him over-giving is showing you that he could improve his self-love.
What is very true for both of you is that “you cannot give what you don’t have.” Meaning, you cannot offer true, authentic, healthy love if you don’t have it for yourself first. It sounds like this is an area that you both struggle with. Yes?
I know you don’t want to step into another unhealthy relationship. Despite your positive attitude and demeanor, you chose to stay in a toxic relationship for a very long time, which says a lot about your own personal vision and belief about yourself. Have you ever worked with a therapist to heal from your experiences with him?
I agree with Kanya. It seems you really take more responsibility for this than is necessary. I think if you were to take a step back and look at how this relationship has functioned, it’s been confusing since the beginning. There’s an underlying energetic current that seems unstable, inconsistent and confusing. You are right in that he has a path he needs to take and so do you. Your fears and concerns are accurate. This guy does not sound like he has the ability to love deeply and fully and in a healthy way. I think your best course of action right now is to just keep living your life and maybe head in the direction of self-improvement and healing wounds from your past. I have no doubt that as you strengthen your relationship with yourself and as you strengthen self-love, every area of your life will improve. This kind of path will only lead to bringing better situations into your life. Let him go for now and work on yourself. Read books, find a coach or a therapist and work on yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kirsten,
Welcome to the forum. You are asking a great question. Really mastering the art of asking questions to truly get to know someone is important.
Would you mind providing more detail? Have you ever met in person? Did you meet online? How long have you guys been “dating” or getting to know each other? How long ago did he lose his wife? Has he talked about her and their marriage at all? I’m wondering how their marriage was. Does he have any children?
As far as your conversations go, can you provide some examples of the differences you feel when he seems eager to talk vs. feeling like a chore? When it feels like a chore, what is he like? Is he good at asking you questions? How long do conversations last typically when you feel he is in a good mood vs. when he feels like it’s a chore?
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I asked them to give you my contact info, so I can email you information for my coach. I do not want to post it here on the public forum. So whenever you are ready, just shoot me an email and I’ll connect you with her.
I totally get your desire to go home. There is so much more happening there and you are watching everyone enjoy the things that truly nourish your soul. However, I am so glad you are finding some valuable experiences where you are at. What kind of things are you noticing about yourself as you are around positive people?
I wasn’t sure if you are wanting some feedback about your profile or not. I actually totally get what you are trying to portray. I would suggest going about it in a bit of a different way. Whenever a woman says “I need” it can cause men to put walls up. It can cause men to INSTANTLY feel like he is about to be told how he isn’t doing enough. Most men have an intense history of learning how they are not meeting their woman’s needs. So in a dating profile, I would suggest to stay away from that word, as many men could instantly find that to be turnoff. So instead, you could say it like this:
I love to dance barefoot around the living room. I love cooking over an open fire. Maybe some killer fried potatoes and eggs? (I’m vegetarian).
When I roll over in the morning and give my husband a nuzzle kiss on the neck and whisper, “Babe, its gorgeous out and the Bow is calling”, he should have the kayaks loaded within an hour while I put together some breakfast and a picnic lunch. (this sentence could be construed as bossy and also waaaay to fast – because you are mentioning husband). So just keep it more simple by saying: I love waking up early in the morning and hopping into my kayak with someone and heading out for a picnic and wildlife photography.
If you want to spend time with me, be prepared to volunteer, spend lots of time in the mountains hiking, kayaking, horseback riding, snow shoeing and exploring back roads. (This sentence also can be construed as bossy and has a bit of a controlling or pushy energy to it) So instead, you can say “one of my favorite ways to spend time is…….”
Be patient and in tune with nature as I have a passion for wildlife photography. (Again, a bit controlling by telling them what they need to be for you.) You can say, “Wildlife photography is one of my all time passions. The greatest lesson it brings me, is patience. Imagine sitting in one spot for over an hour, waiting for an animal to appear. You can’t move, you have to be as quiet as possible and sometimes that gets hard. But it’s all worth it. Patience has it’s incredible rewards.
Does all of this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I understand your train of thought. My guess is, whatever your life is, my guess is that most people are just not equipped to be able to know how to understand you. Is it possible to for you to work with a coach or therapist? They have the skillset, ability and know-how to help people through very intense situations. That way, you can really release and express how you feel about all that you are carrying inside, with someone safe and someone who is trained and someone who can have some good guidance to offer you as you navigate this part of your life.
Ultimately, it’s truly no one’s job to understand you. It’s no one’s job to make sure you are happy. It’s no one’s job to make sure you are getting your needs met. It’s only your job. I have been where you are before. I too had an incredibly challenging upbringing and lived in it for years. Not a single person understood or truly knew me. I was so dammed lonely and living in constant pain. The only person that saved me, was myself. I finally decided to get help and it started to turn my life around. Ever since that moment, my life has only gotten better and better. Now, I LOVE my life, but I fought for it. I forgave, I released, I let go of an incredible amount of resentment and I started making very different choices. My point being, there is a way out of how you are feeling in your life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Welcome to the forum. You are asking some really great and very important questions.
There are a couple of things to consider here. First, everyone’s timeline is different as far as how long they are willing to wait. What I think is more important to consider is truly understanding the kind of person he is and what he is showing you about himself.
What he is showing you, is he does not forgive easily, if ever. He would rather hold onto the hurt, resentment, anger and fear to keep himself “protected” than to let it all go and risk falling in love again. Love is a risk, no matter how you look at it. He thinks he is protecting himself from getting hurt again, but that’s just not possible. We all have some level of fear as we become more vulnerable and let someone into our hearts, because it is a scary thing. The difference between people is whether or not they will choose to walk forward with the fear or choose to stay at a distance because of the fear. He is obviously the latter. The problem with that is, he doesn’t trust himself more than anything. He isn’t choosing to be resilient. That means you will always pay the price for past hurts. He has a HUGE wall up around his heart against you (or any woman for that matter). Anytime that you hurt him that has a similar flavor to what he carrying inside of him, he is going to immediately disconnect, push you away and make you pay the price for it – because he will not develop the skills to deal with his hurt in a healthy way.
So here is the thing for you to consider, more than the timeline. I always coach people that when inviting someone deep into their hearts, one of the most important aspects to consider is who is that person in their worst moments? How do they treat you under high stress? How do they treat themselves? How do they treat others? What is their mindset and approach to resolving the stress and challenge? This is the most important aspect, because it is a crucial, foundational building block to a successful relationship. There needs to be respect, communication and an agreement to work through things together. I would say that is something that would be missing from his side of things. If he is someone who is not willing to forgive, then that’s a BIG RED FLAG. If he is someone who would rather live with a wall around his heart than to let go of all the hurt he is carrying, that means he is not someone who is going to be a good partner when life brings challenges to you guys. Is that the kind of guy you want to really invest with?
You keep hoping he will change and then everything will be okay. That’s a very dangerous fantasy. You are not seeing him and accepting him for who he really is. He can’t even say I love you after being together over a year. He doesn’t take baby steps. He is NOT stepping at all.
Could he change? Of course he could. Maybse someday he will decide to get some help. Maybe someday, something will happen that will show him that holding onto the past is not worth running the present and is not serving him anymore. AND, he could also never change. I’ve seen people live with YEARS AND YEARS of hurt they carry around like their best friend.
So again, more important than the timeline is you being able to accept that this is who he is. If you want to keep him in your life, acceptance of him for WHO HE IS and not needing him to change how he wants to live his life, is what will bring you peace. The timeline won’t matter to you then. OR maybe this is not okay for you and you want someone who has more strength to face their fears and who is more forgiving. Then you would have a decision to make.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
Welcome! It sounds like you have quite a complicated situation happening. Let’s see if we can break it down a bit and help you figure some things out.
First, it’s important to understand that just because love or connection exists between people, that does not guarantee, nor mean anything can last. A long term relationship does require love and connection, but it simply is not enough. You have to have 2 people willing to continue to make a daily choice to be together. Trust is also at the foundation of a relationship that lasts. It sounds like some key components are really missing here in your relationship with him. You don’t ever really know what to believe. That obviously has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you and has nothing to do with you in particular. The amount that he lies, even as a way to push you away, just tells me he is carrying A LOT of baggage from his past. He doesn’t feel safe inside of himself, so he will never feel safe with anyone. It’s his coping mechanism. I’m glad to hear that he got some help there for awhile. Does he still go to therapy? Do you know? What about you? You said you only went for a month. Is there a way for you to continue really working on yourself, your reactions, your hurt feelings?
Trying to move forward with a guy who is so scared of vulnerability and love is quite difficult. His fears will continually get in the way and sabotage connection. They may go away for a period of time, but they will always cycle back around and you most likely will end up in the exact spot again – unless he really keeps working on himself. So even if you get him back, it’s important for your just accept that it really is going to be a rollercoaster ride with him. Instead of fighting that or trying to change that, acceptance of it is what is going to be your greatest way to sustain this kind of relationship. Does that make sense?
I understand you are afraid of being hurt. That will ALWAYS be there. We all are afraid of that. It sucks to go through. The truth is, you could absolutely get shut down as that is the risk, but it sounds like you are willing to fight for this, so let’s see what you can try to do to get his attention.
It’s been 30 days of no contact. Well done on giving him space! How about contacting him and saying something like, “Hello there. There is something I would like to ask for your help with. Are you able to chat or meet up anytime soon? Also, I would still like to get that item from you as well. Hope you are well.” Then you have to come up with something he can help you with. Was he good at anything? Did he know a lot about anything? Was he handy at all? Is there advice he could give you about something?
Heidi
