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Hi Naomi,
Man, I totally get how you feel. It’s soooooo hard to say goodbye to a guy who makes us feel those wonderful feelings of connection and pleasure.
The truth is, he is VERY clear about what he is willing to offer you. When he warned you not to “fall” for him, I would trust that more than his actions. Guys can be very good at just having fun in the moment and then disconnecting and moving on with their life. It sounds like that is what he is doing. Even though he is connective and fun when he is WITH you, he isn’t following through when he is away from you. THAT TELLS YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. His warning to not fall for him combined with his actions are telling you, he is not available for you and cannot and will not offer you what you want.
I know it feels so good to be with him, but I also imagine it doesn’t feel good to not have him return the feelings. I imagine you are feeling a lot of rejection, as he is not putting much effort into wanting to be with you.
There is no confusion here really. The confusion is that you are wanting something to work that is not going to work. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
You sound like quite the resilient person! You are doing a good job going with the flow and really accepting what is showing up for you at the moment. There is so much you are dealing with and you are still showing up on your life, asking for help, wanting to learn and choosing to take the best possible attitude you can with all that is happening. Well done!!!!
Typically, seeing 2 therapists is not recommended and the therapists I know, would never agree to that, as it can easily muddy the waters so to speak. I’m wondering if 1 is a psychiatrist and that is who you get your medicine from and the other is a psychologist.
As far as handling what to say about where you live when dating, it’s simple. You can say something like, “I am temporarily living at home. This whole coronavirus thing really threw me for a loop, so my best option is to live there, save as much money as possible and then I’ll create a new situation once all of this has been resolved.” It sounds like when you lived on your own, you were the most peaceful. Is that something you feel you could work towards eventually?
Heidi
Hi Angela,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You had to watch your guy and your amazing relationship slip through your fingers and there was nothing you could do about it. I know your heart hurts for him.
There are 2 things that are very important to pay attention to here Angela. First, regardless of how amazing he is, when he gets hurt bad enough, he runs from the problem. He is choosing to let his fear make the decisions in his life for him. He is choosing to let fear ruin his connection with you. He is choosing to let fear consume him. Although this is an average response to fear and a coping mechanism, it is also a choice that will always ruin and sabotage relationships and love. So even if you do get back together, you are choosing a man who, when things get hard enough and scary enough, will run and not face his pain. He would not be someone you could count on when things get tough.
Second, his fear is what is setting the boundary of not wanting more children. And even though that could change, it could also not change. What is important for you is to accept his choice. All you can go by is what is happening for him TODAY. When you stay connected to someone in hopes they will change for you, you are creating a relationship on a foundation that will not last. He needs to be loved and accepted for who he is and that is something you are not able to do. You would be doing a disservice to both yourself and him if you continue to pursue this. Children are deal-breaker for you, so it’s important you honor that and let go of him and move forward in your life. It’s possible that in a few years one of you could change your minds and your paths may cross again. You can deal with that when and if it shows up. But for right now, he is not someone you are able to accept and love fully and completely.
Your path is very clear as to what you need to do to honor who you are and the life you want to create. You are just having a hard time accepting it and I get that. It’s never easy to lose someone you love. Are you willing to choose yourself and your vision of creating a family over him?
Heidi
Good to hear. Lets us know when you send it and then how you feel about it! Releasing someone is hard, so feel free to come here and vent and say whatever is on your mind and heart. We can help you through the next phase of it!
Heidi
Hi Angela,
Like I said previously, acknowledge how he feels and validate it. Compliment him on his integrity and wanting to stay within the limits that are honoring to everyone and then maybe ask him, “What does feel appropriate for you? I don’t want you to feel like we are crossing boundaries, so can you give me a more clear picture as to what feels safe and appropriate for you?”
Again, you want to show him that you honor his path and his choice. This will make him feel more safe to continue talking with you. This will give you an opportunity to show him you are really interested in being a better, more supportive person.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Angela! Let’s see if we can sift through this a bit and help bring more clarity.
In terms of the girl he is talking to, do not give her or her presence power.
I HAVE NOOOOO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS! I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAY OR DO EVEN ILLICITS THIS? WHAT ARE THE EXAMPLES OF THIS? OF DOING IT AND NOT DOING IT? The most powerful way to do this is to connect to yourself – through self-love. Basically, you are giving her all kinds of power in your mind that she is better than you somehow and it brings up your insecurities which then causes you to respond to him in ways that show him you are not supportive of his path. Truth is, she is just different than you. Not better, not worse. She cannot replace you – she is just making him feel different than how you make him feel. Knowing you are valuable, worth fighting for, worth knowing and worth loving – whether or not he chooses you or fights for you – is the ultimate goal. When you view yourself that way, you are keeping your power – keeping your value – in yourself, instead of handing your power and value over to your guy and letting him determine what you are worth through his actions and choices. Does this make sense? So what Kanya is saying, is to stop acknowledging her and comparing and being threatened by her. Every time he brings her up, keep the focus and attention and on you. Redirect the conversation by saying something like “I hear that she is nice and that must feel good for you, since I haven’t been so nice. I get that now. I am really learning a lot about myself and the kind of girlfriend I have been….”When he says she is nice, you can respond with something like “I know that things haven’t been great for awhile. Without realizing it I think I stopped enjoying our time together and wasn’t always nice in the way that you deserve. I can see that was a mistake on my part and I’m so sorry I didn’t treat you better. Just so you know, I am committed to making changes so that you know how much you mean to Me.”
HIS IMMEDIATE REPLY WAS DONT DO IT FOR ME – DO IT FOR YOURSELF – WHAT DO I SAY TO THIS? You agree! He is right. Permanent, true and authentic changes happen when your motivation is to change because you want to be a different person. He wants you to WANT to be a different person. If he believes he is the motivation for change, he knows it won’t last – and he is correct. The changes people make for other people don’t last, until those changes actually become part of the person. So keep communicating that the loss of him is helping you learn a lot of new things about yourself. As hard as it is, you are seeing where you have been limited and that is not the kind of person you want to be with him, or anyone for that matter. Then tell him the kind of person you would like to be in the world. What is your vision of yourself? What kind of girlfriend would you like to be?? Have you ever thought about this?You don’t need to get a response or conclusion in the moment. The Relationship Rewrite talks about this process taking time and patience.
TIME, YES.
PATIENCE IM NOT SO GOOD AT LOL
HE DID SAY I CANT DO THIS RIGHT NOW RE: WORKING THINGS OUT – AND HIS REASON IS BC HES TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE – AND ITS NOT RESPECTFUL OR FAIR THAT PERSON
LIKE OMG OMG OMG WHAT THE DO I SAY TO THAT????!!??!??? Again, he is right. It isn’t respectful and he is just holding a boundary and being the kind of person that makes him feel in his integrity. So you say that and acknowledge it. You can say, “Wow…I love the integrity you have. I have a lot of respect for that actually, even though it breaks my heart into pieces. I really want to be better at respecting and honoring your choices and trusting your path, even though it causes my heart to hurt. So I will respect your choice and continue to grow and work on myself. I have a lot of things to work out and again, losing you has truly made me realize this and I will forever be grateful.”Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi HT,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s pretty awful being ghosted like that and just completely ignored. Whether or not he is getting back together with his ex, he was emotionally unavailable since the very beginning. Those kinds of guys are VERY difficult to be in a relationship with. You are constantly left wondering about how they are feeling about you, about their life, about their day. And just as you experienced, they will have occasional days where they unleash everything they have been holding inside and the person on the receiving end just gets bombarded and mostly feels shock. He is not the kind of guy who can sustain a healthy relationship. He is quite fragile and young in emotional maturity. Now you know some of the signs to look out for as you continue to date!
As far as responding, it’s important you acknowledge what he said, not for him, but for you. This is not about owing him anything. It’s about creating closure. When you don’t respond, it leaves this energy out there of “unfinished business.” He will keep wondering if you got his text and you will keep thinking about him because you haven’t officially acknowledged the ending. There is something very powerful about creating closure with words. It helps completely close the door on your heart, in his mind and then you move forward. You don’t need to say much. Keep it simple and say something like, “I got your text. I think it’s a good choice. I’ve really seen how you and I approach life differently. I wish you the best as you navigate all that you are going through. Take care.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
What a wonderful connection you made for yourself! I have had so many of those moments in my life as I was growing up and starting to understand my patterns and where they came from. It takes GREAT strength to see the truth and give it life and not ignore it or bury it. Now that you have a deeper understanding of your patterns, you can start to work on forgiveness and releasing the lies that have held you captive all these years!!! I truly am really excited for you! You just up-leveled your ability to have healthier experiences.
Your non-negotiable list looks great! It’s a good starting place. Now, under each of those qualities, I want you to get specific and detailed about what each quality means to YOU. So to you, what does it mean or look like to be courageous and have high integrity? What does it mean to be an effective communicator? How do you know someone is an effective communicator? Write out your definitions for each of your items. And make sure you don’t combine each quality. Make each quality it’s very own category. So don’t come active and loves nature. Those are 2 very different things. Give each quality a special place. And keep in mind, this is not a wish list. This is a non negotiable list. So as you write out the description of each quality, really ask yourself if this is a non-negotiable quality or is it something you would like to have, but could be okay if it wasn’t part of the equation.
Then come back and share what you have learned about yourself. And I’m also curious about what 2 qualities you DO NOT yet possess.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Let me explain a little further. Your friend’s advice was not to “chase” after him so to speak. My advice to talk directly about it could seem like that, but it’s all about the intention and energy behind the conversation. It would be chasing after him if you were trying to get him to be different by asking him to be more connective for you. The way I am suggesting to approach it is to have the intention just to learn about him – that’s all. You are not asking him to be different, you are not wanting to get anything from him – you are just wanting to learn about him – you are just being curious about a behavior you are noticing. That’s not chasing. When you approach a subject in that manner, most of the time, if done well, it will maintain the openness, he will not feel like he is not being enough and he will naturally want to talk about it because it feels really good to have someone WANT to know about you. And many times, it’s a great way to bring awareness to the guy and he will NATURALLY feel inspired to want to shift the behavior all on his own, without you requesting it. Men are VERY driven to have a happy woman on their arms. He may ask if his lack of connectionless bothers you in some way and it’s a good time to be honest about it BUT make sure you own it as your own insecurity. You can say something like, “Sure it’s difficult sometimes. I’m a woman and we LOVE to connect, especially during times of stress. And I just miss you. I really have enjoyed getting to know you and being around you and it all just changed overnight. It also bring up some of my insecurities from the past, so it is an opportunity for me to work on myself.”
Does this make a little more sense about how to approach this if you decide to talk about it?
Heidi
Hi Sara,
Let me clarify a bit more. The hero instinct is always useable, but what I meant is you have to actually know someone well enough to know what you could ask for help with. Being that you have never met him and it’s been such a short amount of time that you have talked, my guess is, you know very little about him to be able to ask for advice about something. So since you know he likes music, do you know what kind? Is there a genre he is really attracted to? You could use that as a way to ask for his help. You could say something like “I’m putting together a playlist. I remember how much you like music. I would love some advice on some songs. What group would you suggest for me to look up for…..”
The thing is Sara, your relationship sounds like it barely got off the ground, so he may not even respond to that, as there isn’t enough of a connection to get things started. He knows he doesn’t want a long distance relationship and there is not much you can do about that. I”m wondering what is making you want to fight for this guy you barely know vs. just releasing it and moving on with someone who doesn’t have resistance.
Heidi
I get it. Why not video conference?
What if you don’t look at it as a confrontation. It’s really just a conversation where you are being curious and wanting to learn more about him.
So you could start by saying something like, “So listen. I would love for you to teach me a little more about you. It seems like when your stress level gets higher, you seem to go a bit quieter. I’ve noticed that since this pandemic and the isolation that is happening, you have reached out less and have become more introverted. I am quite extroverted and I know this time has been challenging for me in that way, but I also heard how introverts are loving this “quiet” time. It’s so interesting to me. So it made me wonder about you. Is that what you feel like? Do you feel like you are just going more inward and want to be quieter and less connective?”
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
So glad you like this exercise. It is a great way to get to know yourself and discover what your core values are.
Another aspect of that list that needs to be included, is how he treats you when he is under stress. I coach people that when they are dating someone, they want to observe how that person handles stress in their life. Do they disappear and not communicate? Do they tend to blame? Do they hold grudges? How do they treat themselves? What is their self talk like? This is one of the most important qualities to look for, if you are wanting a long term relationship. You will see their coping mechanisms. You cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who stops communicating when things go south in life. You cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who becomes verbally or physically abusive when he is angry or hurt. So…this is the #1 quality to pay attention to.
The hard part is, many times it will take a while before you see each other under stress in life or before you have your first argument. And usually by then, you are quite bonded, so you end up trying to negotiate a way to stay together, no matter how the person handled stress. So I like to suggest a couple of different questions to get a little window into who they are. I like to ask questions around the subject. Sometimes I am very direct and will ask, “what are you like when you are angry? When you are hurt?” Other times I am less direct. I will ask, “tell me about the worst heartbreak in your life. What did you do?” Or “Tell me about the worst moment or time in your life.” And as they are telling me the story, I pay attention to the energy they feel, the words they use and how they feel while telling the story. If they are telling the story and you can tell there is still hurt lingering there, then you know they are not someone who is forgiving and willing to work on releasing their wounds. They are the type to hold onto the hurt and “ignore” it. You can tell by their words what their perception of the situation is. If they have a victim mentality, their words will tell you that. They will use blaming words vs. someone who takes responsibility for their part in every situation in their life.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I’m glad to hear you guys were able to connect and that it was a good conversation. I love that he is going to help you with your car!
How about not making any official plans yet, as to how you want to handle the next step. Let this unfold, little bits at a time. You don’t need to decide right now, how you are going to respond after he fixes your car. Right now, you are in a phase of gathering information and having a little bit of re-connection. It’s such an unknown kind of thing right now. So take 1 step at a time, see how things go and then decide how to proceed next. Truth is, you never really know how things will turn out until you try them. You may be surprised that giving him some space after he works on your car, will inspire him to want to connect. Or, you could totally try and show him you want to fight for him. That may work too. But then again, neither approach may work because his walls just want to stay up and he is not willing to be vulnerable. Who knows. Point being, you are not at that stage yet. For now, just keep talking about your feelings here, work with your therapist and have some fun when he comes over to work on your car. That’s all you need to think about.
Heidi
Okay, that makes more sense. So how long will you live there? Hopefully you will like living there. I imagine you would just put most of your stuff in storage?
As far as your guy, I am wondering what is stopping you from being more direct and just asking him about what you are sensing. I imagine he would appreciate an open and honest conversation about what you are sensing.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m so glad you are able to see the gifts that LA has for you. I will definitely send all kinds of positive vibes in your direction for you to be able to go back home though! That would be incredible! It sounds like you are bringing a lot of much needed value.
As far as your profile, I know from the past that your intentions are spot on, but sometimes how you communicate them can be iffy and interpreted in many different ways. Communication is hard for sure. It’s taken me many years to master the art of aligning what I say with what I intend in a way that is receivable and understandable to the majority of the population. Even then, there is always room for error and misunderstanding. Communication is usually the top 2 or 3 spot as to why couples will break up. Anyways, men DO want to be needed, but men also want a woman who isn’t needy. This also is a fine art form. In your profile, you don’t want to mention what you need before you even meet the guy. Your profile is meant to just show how you live your life, what your preferences are and your general personality. Once you go out and meet them in person, that’s the time to begin to reveal the deeper layers and more details about who you are that way there can be conversations about what is being said. Remember, your profile is the first impression, so you don’t want to put anything in there that could easily be misunderstood (like “needing” could be construed as “needy”). There is also no need to mention husband or to communicate that you are not up for a 1 nightstand. You simply say “I’m looking to have a deeper connection with someone….” Hopefully this helps. But again, there are a gazillion opinions about profiles and how they should be written. It is an artform. I personally like to teach people to express their character and core values in their profile using story. Stories and analogies are the most powerful way to communicate a concept since it leaves little room for misunderstanding. People are able to get the deeper concepts through story and analogy. That’s why Jesus used parables so many times when he taught.
It’s not really a long weekend for me. Being a personal trainer, I typically end up working on most holidays because people are off work. No complaints though, especially during this time, so I am still working. No special plans other than my usual drive to somewhere in the mountains :).
Heidi
