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Hi Shala,
It’s completely understandable how you feel. It doesn’t feel good that he is keeping everything quiet.
Have you ever just directly asked him about what his reasons are? I’m wondering if it would upset his father. The thing is, you want him to fight for you, when it doesn’t seem you are fighting for yourself first and foremost. This has been going on for quite a while yes? So you are upset that he is staying silent, yet it sounds like you are treating yourself the same way – you are staying silent and just going along for the ride, even though this design doesn’t work for you.
When people are treating us in ways that we don’t like, you want to view how they are treating you, as an opportunity to learn and reflect how you are treating yourself….and therein lies the key to change. So he is hiding you from everyone – and because you are participating and agreeing to this design, not communicating how you are feeling and also “pretending” that nothing has happened even though he asked for space…YOU are hiding from him. My guess is, you have a really big fear of losing him, so you hide a lot of how you feel in efforts to keep the peace. Would you agree with this? Would you agree that you tend to stay silent a lot about your deeper feelings of hurt and confusion? If yes, would you say this is a pattern of yours in your life in general?
An ultimatum is not the route you want to go with something like this…at least not at this point. However, a conversation is needed – your experiences, thoughts and feelings do need to be expressed and there needs to be an agreement that there is no more pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. Are these things you are willing to do and require from him?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
It sounds like you have done some good work on yourself about opening up a little more and being more connective. Well done! Keep working on that!
Here is how you approach the subject of him not giving you enough attention. First and foremost, it’s a great opportunity to really address YOUR reaction. Whenever you look to someone else to source you for your happiness, your value, your worth – you are looking at a temporary source. The bottom line truth is, it isn’t his job to make sure you feel like you have enough attention. It’s YOUR job to first really get to know what you are feeling and start to source yourself first and foremost. Invite those feelings of rejection “to lunch” and get to know them. They have a message for you…they have things to say. So it would mean maybe journaling what you are feeling, talking to someone you trust and has good wisdom about what you are feeling. It’s a great way to get to know yourself and the baggage you are carrying around and how that is being triggered by his behavior. It’s YOUR pattern and YOUR reaction – and you want HIM to fix it for you, so you don’t have to feel it. That makes him your source for happiness. So again, you want to be your own source and not rely on him to fix how you feel.
It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him about it, but it’s with the mindset that you are your own source, you don’t need him to fix you and you just want to understand what is happening for him. You don’t go into the conversation wanting him to change. You want to go into the conversation as if you are a reporter and you need to write a story about him. You get curious and you investigate so to speak. So here is what that would look like. “So it feels like you have been a lot less connective over the past few weeks. Normally you reach out a lot more and initiate more conversations and initiate making plans more, but it just seems like that has shifted for you recently. Is there something going on?” Or something like, “I have to admit, I am feeling a lot less connection and attention from you compared to a few weeks ago. I’m a little sad about that. I miss you. Is there something going on for you? It just seems like you are more stressed somehow. I’d like to hear about it.” This approach is focuses on HIS experience vs. you telling him everything he isn’t doing and how that has upset you….which is all about you. Do you see the difference?
As far as when the month is up, you can reach out with saying something like, “Well, it’s been about a month now and I have to say, I learned a lot about myself. As hard as it was for me to take a break, I am thankful for your strength to request a breather. I decided to make the best of it and really learn about myself and make some changes. Would you be willing to meet up for coffee or something? I’d like to hear about your experience as well. No pressure or expectations on my end – I just want to re-connect and hear about you.”
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Welcome! I understand your confusion. It’s a strange thing to have him ask you to marry him, move in and then say he wants you to stick around to see if you are “the one” for him. That’s definitely a mixed message.
I just have a few questions. How long were guys together before he asked you to marry him? Do you like your relationship and how you guys have built a life together? Is there anything specifically happening that you would be able to say is contributing to his doubt? Do you feel he is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, considering how he is acting now? Is this a surprise to you that he is really questioning the relationship?
He could either simply be getting “cold feet” and dealing with fear about getting married and making that kind of commitment, or there is something in the relationship that isn’t working for him. More details would be helpful, so we can better guide you.
Heidi
Hi Laurie,
The 12 words work with the concept of activating his hero instinct. So it’s not really about saying the exact 12 words, it’s just about asking for help. So for example, you could say, “Hey. I need your help with something.” Or “I really need your help” or “Would you mind texting me back? I need your help.”
You don’t want to say what you need help with, in the first text. You wait until they text or call you and get connected before you tell them what you need help with.
What’s going on in your relationship that you want to use this technique?
Heidi
Hey! We have that saying too!!! Great minds DO think alike 🙂
I’m glad to hear that the energy is flowing a bit more between the both of you. He sounds connective and responsive. He even asked your advice about a car! That’s a good sign that he is valuing your thoughts and opinion about something like that. I also loved that he offered his help for moving. I’m glad you are accepting his help. It’s a great way to bond. You learn a lot about each other when moving…lol! I broke up with a guy once because of it. Either way, the conversation in the back of your mind will happen when it happens. The moment will present itself and you will find yourself inspired to bring it up…or maybe not. Who knows! There will be plenty of moments that come along to talk about within the same subject. For now, you guys are flowing well together and I’m sure it feels great! Enjoy it!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I still want to encourage cookies. There are a MILLION recipes out there that are healthy and that he can enjoy. First, it’s standard and not too personal – it’s a safe gift in case he does have a girlfriend and you want to honor that. Second, it IS personal on some level by finding a recipe that is healthy. That lets him know you thought about him. 3rd, a guy LOVES to know a woman has the ability to bake or cook. It’s just one more added bonus and attractive feature.
The 12 word phrase is not in the book. It’s basically asking him for help. You want to say it in your own words but it’s something to the effect of “Hey! I need your help with something….” It’s a way to activate the hero instinct in the guy. You ask him for help, but don’t tell him what you need help with until he responds back. Asking for help is a way to get the guy to respond because it activates his very natural and instinctive desire to make sure his woman is “safe” and to feel like he is taking care of her – being a hero. It’s not something you want to use in your situation. You don’t need it – at least not yet.
First and foremost, you need to find out if he is single. Can you look him up on any social media platform??
I understand your connection is deep and want to pursue this. Just be careful and find out first if he is even available.
Heidi
Hi Yingtzu,
You can email [email protected] and request for your profile to be deleted.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish you the best of luck!
Heidi
Hi Angela,
Do you know why he blocked you? If he felt the need to do that, he must have felt like you were crossing boundaries somehow. Was there anything you were doing that would make him feel he needed to put up those stronger boundaries?
I would suggest to give him space. He is communicating to you, letting you know he is not interested in talking or connecting with you. If you keep ignoring him, then all you will be telling him is that you do not respect, nor care about how he feels and what his needs are. You are telling him that your needs are more important than his and that you are going to push your agenda on him, no matter what he says. Is that the message you want to send to him? This is not the approach to get him back. In order to have any chance at getting him back, you need to honor his choice and give him the space he is asking for. This builds trust and lets him know he set a boundary and that you will listen and honor that. Isn’t that what you want him to know? DOn’t you want him to feel safe with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry for what you are having to go through. There is so little clarity or understanding of what is happening. There is so much stress and so many people are responding in ways that are very hard to deal with. I understand your fear of losing him.
For this month long break, I would suggest for you to really take this time and reflect and get to know yourself. He is showing you who he is. He is not the kind of guy that likes talking on the phone and reaching out. It doesn’t sound like he is the kind of guy who shows much attention (in a way that is meaningful for you) and is interested in learning about how to be a better partner. It sounds like he would rather just go into his cave and deal with his life than to work through the challenges WITH you. My first question is, has he always been like this? Have you always struggled with feeling like he doesn’t give you enough attention? Is it his pattern to keep his thoughts and feelings inside?
Truth is, he gets to be however he wants to be. You nagging him will only send the message that he is “not enough.” That is typically what men will hear whenever their woman is nagging them about something they are not doing. A different approach is helpful. When you are not getting your needs met, instead of approaching him telling him what he needs to change so you can feel happy, you approach with questions and curiosity. You approach with the mindset of wanting to understand what is happening for HIM instead of making the entire conversation about your needs and what he isn’t doing to meet them. My guess is, pouring your heart out, on top of all the other stress he is carrying, sent him over the edge – which, by the way – is not your fault. You are doing the very best you know how and so is he.
So during this month, it would be good for you to reflect about how you can treat yourself better, how you can be a better partner and even really looking at whether or not he truly is a good match for you. Your job is to get your needs met, period. If it goes against how he likes to be and live his life, then you might consider that he is not a good match for you. Or maybe you can shift your perspective and find that you CAN accept him for who he really is.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cecilia,
I want to support what Kanya said. This guy has no clue what he wants. What he DOES know is that he doesn’t want to give up the comfort and connection with a woman and he wants to have sex. What he DOES know is that he does not want a relationship. A guy like this is going to be a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. You said to take it bit by bit. Does that mean a few days later to sleep overnight and kiss and cuddle??? That’s what couples do.
So if you want to be with him, be clear about that. If you want to take things bit by bit, then be clear about that. It sounds like you are just as confused as he is and neither of you has clear, established boundaries about the design of how you guys are going to move forward. And that’s okay! Just know you are in for a rollercoaster ride.
So let’s talk about this more. What do you want from him? How would you like the relationship to go with him? How would you like it to develop? You said you don’t want a relationship right now…how come? What does taking it bit by bit exactly mean?
The more clear you are, the more you are able to support yourself and care about how you are treated. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and make sure your needs are met, he will either align with that, or he will fall away. If he falls away, then he is someone who cannot support the very best for you. But if he aligns…then great!!! First and foremost, you have to treat yourself that way before requiring it from him. Make sense??
Heidi
Hi Cecilia,
I want to support what Kanya said. This guy has no clue what he wants. What he DOES know is that he doesn’t want to give up the comfort and connection with a woman and he wants to have sex. What he DOES know is that he does not want a relationship. A guy like this is going to be a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. You said to take it bit by bit. Does that mean a few days later to sleep overnight and kiss and cuddle??? That’s what couples do.
So if you want to be with him, be clear about that. If you want to take things bit by bit, then be clear about that. It sounds like you are just as confused as he is and neither of you has clear, established boundaries about the design of how you guys are going to move forward. And that’s okay! Just know you are in for a rollercoaster ride.
So let’s talk about this more. What do you want from him? How would you like the relationship to go with him? How would you like it to develop? You said you don’t want a relationship right now…how come? What does taking it bit by bit exactly mean?
The more clear you are, the more you are able to support yourself and care about how you are treated. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and make sure your needs are met, he will either align with that, or he will fall away. If he falls away, then he is someone who cannot support the very best for you. But if he aligns…then great!!! First and foremost, you have to treat yourself that way before requiring it from him. Make sense??
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome. I’m sorry for whatever you are going through. I understand your need for privacy. We typically do not respond through email. I’ve never seen a request like this before, so what I will do is email my boss and find out what his thoughts are on this. I’ll get back to you as soon as I hear back.
It’s very safe here though. We are not judgmental and to be honest, I believe most of the other ladies on here just read and comment on their own posts and do not spend much time reading other people’s posts. I’d say 98% of the time, Kanya and I are the only ones responding to each post. Maybe that will help you feel safer to share with us here.
Heidi
You are asking some really great questions!
There is a core answer and that is to just be yourself. The thing is, I could offer all kinds of advice about what you are asking, but in the end, these are areas you just need to experience. You just need to go through these situations and FEEL yourself in them. It’s the experience of yourself through each situation that is the most powerful teacher.
Being authentic and staying connected to yourself, no matter how things turn out, IS the goal. That’s how you become a powerful leader and influencer. The most important skill in life, in my opinion, is all about resilience. No matter what happens, you learn from the situation, you self-love yourself through the challenges and then you get back up on your feet – with wisdom. You will ALWAYS be scared. That part does not go away, but what DOES increase is your trust in yourself. That is what resilience is. It’s BELIEVING that “no matter what happens in this situation, I trust in myself. I know that I have the support, the skillset, the wisdom and the know how to handle whatever shows up, learn, heal and release anything negative that may happen. I know I can get back up.” When you have this kind of trust and belief in yourself, you can walk into situations WITH your fear of failure and be much more peaceful and at ease. Make sense? So in summary, trust yourself. No matter what you do, how you respond, you will learn what works best for you.
I do want to say one thing about being authentic. I am more of a cautious person when it comes to being my most authentic self. We all have thoughts and feelings and opinions and quirks about ourselves. There are people you can share that with and those that would not receive it well. So being authentic is important, but it’s also to respect and honor yourself and the other person to share yourself in ways that you both can handle and to truly pay attention to the reasons you share what you share. For example, I had a client yesterday (I’m a personal trainer as my day job) who shared all kinds of feelings about the riots and what was happening to black people. She was being her authentic self and sharing her real feelings. I create a safe space for her to be that. However, I was not my authentic self because I have learned from the past, that she is not someone who is able to understand, nor embrace the more expansive views I hold about why life happens the way it does. I’ve done so much deep work that my view on life is unusual. Some listen, some embrace it and want to learn more, many reject it. She is the rejecting type. So it doesn’t serve either of us for me to feel rejected or for her to reject my authenticity. So I just spent my time validating her and asking her specific questions to take her a little deeper into her process. I wanted to say soooo much more, believe me. I wanted to challenge her thinking. But again, she is not interested in that kind of exchange – at least not from me. I need to protect our relationship and that is how I am being authentic. Some people may disagree with this, but the bottom line philosophy I live by is self-love. Is it loving to myself to share these thoughts and feelings with this person? Is it loving and caring towards them? The answers are a good guide.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
While you are waiting for another week, it would be a good time to really connect with yourself and all the feelings that are coming up for you. What kinds of thoughts are you having right now? What are the dominant feelings that you are noticing? Are you waiting by your phone all of the time, spending your energy on hoping he will text?
By the way, if he does end up texting, DO NOT respond right away. Wait to respond until the end of the day or until the next day. It’s important to make him wait.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Thank you for sharing more detail! It’s really helpful!
The key is to work on the story you automatically having running in the background about his mood swings. The story comes from your childhood. So that means it’s important to connect to those anxious feelings instead of trying to make them go away by telling yourself what a good person he is. When the feelings show up, it’s the perfect time to journal! Let that part of you speak. Let that part of you express everything she wants to feel and say. She has been silenced for so darn long, so why not give her the space to open up and feel everything she needs to feel. She needs to be acknowledged, validated, comforted and embraced. In the moment, when the anxiety comes up, talk to her. You say things like “Hi there. I see you are feeling fearful and that’s okay. I’m here for you. You are safe. No one if hurting you and no one is leaving. We are okay. It’s safe to feel.” Then imagine in my mind that you are holding her, like you would your child when they need comfort and safety from you.
This would be the place to start. The stories you carry about his mood swings are layered with a lot of wounds from your past, so it’s going to take some time, but if you keep at it, you will start to shift. The end result is when you feel his energy shift and he starts to disconnect, you just let him and go about your day. There’s no need to walk on eggshells. You just be you, he gets to be himself and when he shifts out of it again, you guys will re-connect. No need to try and figure out anything about how to help him, as that is his own job. That’s the ideal scenario.
Heidi
