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Hi Grace,
Welcome! It sounds like you are really going through a hard time and you are confused as to the next best steps for you.
The first thing that is important to understand is that people will treat us the way we treat ourselves. He ignores you. But if you look inside, you will find that you ignore yourself, therefore he will treat you the way you have been treating yourself for what I imagine to be a very long time. You have all kinds of thoughts and feelings that matter inside of you. You have chosen a guy, for 3 years, who is not interested in being in relationship with your thoughts or feelings. That choice, in and of itself, is you ignoring your thoughts and feelings, because you don’t get to exist with him. So you keep getting mad at him for how he treats you, but truth is, he is just reflecting back to you, how you treat yourself. Does this make sense? Someone who highly values thoughts and opinions, someone who KNOWS they are badass, has a lot to offer and they have standards as to how they are treated – someone like that would not tolerate even 1 date with a guy who chooses his phone over connection with her. Does this make sense? The path to your truth is not in him, it’s inside of yourself. As you start to truly value yourself more and more, people will either align with treating you in the same way or they will fall away. So this journey is about you connecting more to yourself, not about changing him. That will never work. He is who he is and he gets to be that way. So your choice is to either accept him for who he is, or love yourself enough to know that you want a different experience in a relationship and you choose yourself over trying to change him and get connection from him. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh man! You have no idea the reservoir you are tapping into! There is incredible depth into the layers of affirmations. We will just start with skimming the surface. I’ve studied this particular topic for decades and there are a lot of opinions about them. This past year, I FINALLY found the “secret sauce” that is so deep and powerful!
First, I would like to invite you to expand your vision about God. Your sister believing that it’s selfish against God by using “I” too much, is her belief that she knows and understands what God would be feeling. How does she know God would consider that selfish? I have explored God my entire life and the more I learn, the more I realize how expansive, magnificent and unparalleled God is. Not a single person on the face of this earth has the ability to understand the depths of what God is thinking and feeling. What we believe about God, comes from our religions, our society, our books etc. Basically, it all comes from other human beings…which in and of itself means what we are being taught is limited. I personally like to have my very own relationship with God. I take information that I read, lectures I listen to, sermons etc. and then absorb it and experience the information in my life and see how it makes me feel, because ultimately, it’s me and God and no one else. We each have our own relationship with God that is unique to who we are…between “parent and child.” As a mother, if you heard your daughter saying “I want to make this level income, I am resilient, I am courageous, I want to leave a legacy of empowering others, I want to feel more love in my life etc…” would you feel like she is being selfish? Personally, that would just put a GIANT smile on my face to see the ambition of her spirit and to get to watch her dream and believe in her dreams. She is using the creative, powerful forces within her to make the very best life possible, yes? Wouldn’t you be proud??? Just offering another way to look at it. We, of course, can keep discussing this. Remember that your sister’s truth doesn’t have to be your truth. Stay connected to what feels right for YOU.
Now…with affirmations, the secret sauce is to be more attached to the feeling than the outcome. For example, let’s say your goal is to be a millionaire. So if you visualize being a millionaire, what kind of person would you be? How would you feel? How would you live your life? Visualize that and FEEL it! Feel it in your body, your heart, your energy. For me, I would be more playful, silly, I would be extremely giving, I would have a lot of adventures in my life, I would have more massages and take care of my body in the very best ways possible. So…as I FEEL all of that as I visualize it, I then let go of the picture of being a millionaire. Truth is, all those feelings are very possible NOW. It doesn’t take a million dollars for me to get to be that kind of person! So I live as if I am a millionaire. I am not attached to being a millionaire so I can feel all those feelings. So affirmations are the same. They have little to no power if you just say something. They have exponential power if you FEEL them, but then release the picture. So basically, by releasing the picture of “being a millionaire” I am saying to God, I feel all of these wonderful feelings and I want to attract more of those wonderful feelings and I trust I will be cared for and taken care of in whatever way that shows up. So in essence, you are living in the feeling tone, releasing the picture of being a millionaire and letting God have unlimited, expansive creative power in your life. Because God is limitless, right? Why put a cap on His ability to support you? I can’t tell you how many ways I have been provided for in ways I couldn’t even imagine. So again, get into the FEELING of being a millionaire, then live your life as if you already are a millionaire. This is how you source yourself! You are not relying on that money to make you happy and fill you up. You already have everything you need within you NOW. You are abundant NOW. And when you live in that feeling tone and act from that feeling tone, you will be amazed what starts to show up for you – far beyond what you could even imagine.
Goodness, there is so much more, but I’m gonna leave it at that and let you ask your questions 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jean,
I know how tough it can be when you have hurt feelings and you want to communicate them. The very first thing to understand is that your hurt feelings come from a story that you created about his actions. That story you created comes from little to know actual facts, details or understanding about what HE is going through, so in essence, your story and reaction to his behaviors are based on little to no information. Second, it’s important to have the mindset that HE is not responsible for you and your happiness. That is ALWAYS your job. I like to encourage people to really work through forgiveness and the emotions BEFORE having a conversation (if possible). This way, you have cleared as much of the emotional junk as possible and you can have a conversation that is much more clear and not filled with hurt, anger, rejection etc. This helps create higher level communication and understanding about each other.
Looking forward to hearing what happened!!
Heidi
Hey there,
Welcome! It’s sounds like you are searching for more clarity, insight and knowledge. Are you confused about your situation? What are you wanting to “get back” that was never there to begin with?
If you can share more details, we will better be able to offer guidance.
Hope to hear from you!
Heidi
Hey there!
I’m sorry we weren’t able to get to your post before his birthday! What did you end up deciding to do?
I think there is something really powerful and transformation here for you. If you understand that people will treat us how we treat ourselves, you will see the gift in this for you. He is rejecting you, but if you think about it, you reject yourself all the time by playing the “nice girl” and not using your voice and being authentic. How is anyone ever supposed to know who you really are, unless you are yourself, express your needs, wants, boundaries, vulnerabilities etc. All anyone will ever know of you is the mask that you present. This sounds like a strong pattern for you. How do you feel about always being the nice girl and not voicing your thoughts, feelings, opinions etc. What is it that you are most scared of, if you start to be who you really are?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
Welcome! I understand your suspicions about him distancing. I’m wondering if there is something stressful in his life that he is not sharing with you. Especially since the riots here, the tensions have skyrocketed and people, in general, are feeling more tired, stressed and just want to hide. A lot of powerlessness is being activated here in the US. People are wanting to get away and many people are just shutting down emotionally. I have no idea if this is what is contributing to how he is behaving though.
I would not suggest to “confront” him so to speak, but I would suggest to have a conversation. If you go into the conversation with the intent to UNDERSTAND him and what is going on for him and to LEARN about him, the conversation will be much more comfortable for him. For example, you would say something like “I just wanted to check in. I’ve notice you have been more distant lately. We haven’t had as much “us time,” it seems our conversations are a little shorter and then when you left on your camping trip without saying goodbye, it just really made me start to wonder if maybe you have some extra stress in your life or if you feel like you need more space. I’m curious and would love to support you in any way that I can….” This way….you make the conversation about him, you are blaming him for hurting your feelings, you still get to say how you feel, but it won’t be a “pointing the finger at him” kind of talk.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing the article! I see where you may have gotten a bit confused. The article really emphasizes being flexible in not needing “perfect” and expecting and preparing for challenges to show up. I completely agree!!! It’s a great article. The non-negotiable list is NOT about perfection. There is no such thing of course. The non-negotiable list is about the basics – the foundation – you build your relationship on top of. It’s finding someone who brings foundational qualities to the relationship. Relationships are not just about the connection. You have to not only love him, you also have to LOVE the life you create together. That life you create together is like a 3rd entity. It needs nourishment, it needs like-mindedness, it needs creativity, it needs all different kinds of things – depending on the couple. I can’t tell you how many couples I have come across that love each other, but don’t love the life they have created. So that’s where the non- negotiable list is really helpful and powerful. That’s why you need to spend some deep, introspective time with it. Maybe look at it in a different perspective. Instead of looking at qualities he needs to have, look at the qualities of the life you want to create together. Again, these are qualities you CANNOT live without in your life. These are qualities that so core and essential to your wellbeing and happiness. Let’s see where this takes you!
I am currently single – and open to whatever shows up 🙂
It sounds like you are exactly where you need to be for your business! I am so honored to get to be part of your path of exploration in your life!!!
Heidi
Hi Krista!
Welcome! We are glad you are here sharing your questions with us. It sounds like you guys are going through a lot, but there is still a strong connection.
I think the best path for you is to continue getting to know yourself. You guys don’t want to enter back into the same patterns that caused a lot of chaos as before. So if you spend your time working and healing those patterns you brought to the table, THEN having another go at the relationship could be something you propose. It sounds like you have a hard time communicating and it sounds like you have more co-dependent tendencies. What are you specifically doing to work on those patterns? Co-dependent behavior is “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” You end up making everyone else more valuable and important than you. Staying silent and not asking for your needs, communicating what you want and expressing your thoughts and feelings is pretty common for someone who is co-dependent. Have you explored this in yourself? Have you read any books about it? Have you looked into your past to see where this behavior was created and how to work with it?
If you haven’t done any work on healing these parts of you, you guys will get back together and then end up right back here where you are now. I imagine that is not what you want to have happen.
Heidi
Hi Dania,
I have a few more questions. How far away have moved from him? Is it a plane flight away or is it driveable? It doesn’t sound like you guys discussed anything about continuing the relationship after you moved.
My guess is, you both are looking at this “relationship” in very different ways. He, most likely, is not viewing it as having potential. You moved and are creating a very separate life than him and he accepts that and is moving on. You are still holding on, trying to make something work with him. With the lack of response he is having, he might be dating someone else or he just might have had the mindset to enjoy you while you were there and then let you go once you moved. You know how people will get really intimate and close with someone when they are on vacation? There is a certain freedom that people have to get close with someone they know is leaving, because it’s just a short term experience. I’m wondering if that was his mindset when you guys met and now that you have left, he has let go.
How often are you initiating with him? Do you guys ever talk on the phone or video chat?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for asking! For me personally, it’s so sad. It hurts my heart that something like this happened. No, it’s not the first and not the last, BUT George having his life taken away is sure waking up a lot of people. There have been many who have lost their lives and no one noticed, so at the very least, the loss of him is impacting people – worldwide – and thank goodness! It makes me sad that so many people are choosing to handle their reactions with hatred and anger though. So much disdain floating around. In my personal circle, many of my clients are struggling. They feel tired, confused, not sure what or if or how to express what they feel and obviously feeling “pressure.” To me, I take these times as a gift for me to work on myself and forgiveness and healing my own judgments and struggle. Unfortunately, that is not everyone’s approach – as we are seeing from all the riots. Every day, I am sending good vibes out into the world. There’s a lot of tension here. What are the conversations like there?? What kinds of thoughts and feelings are people having about it?
I’m excited to hear about your move. I love that he is helping you and I love that you have massages set up! It sounds like the makings of some good bonding time!!! Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hey there!
Gosh…you are asking some great questions!
Let’s address the non-negotiable list first. I’m not sure what James said in the article, so it’s hard for me to fully understand his point of view. Personally, I still hold VERY strong, that there is no flexibility in the non-negotiable list. It is exactly what it says…non-negotiable. These are the core characteristics that exist in a relationship that you truly cannot live without. There are no compromises. That’s why it’s really important for you to spend time with it and make sure that what you are requiring is truly non-negotiable. For example, I CANNOT and WILL NOT ever work with a man who is not inspired and has his own drive to grow in his life. If a man does not have the strength or desire to face himself, know himself, dive into his limiting patterns and learn about who he is and how he can transform – there is no way in a million years we would ever last. Another way to look at the non-negotiable list is this: would you ever be flexible with a man hitting you? Let’s say he is a super great guy. He takes care of you in many, many ways, but when he gets angry enough – which only happens occasionally…maybe just a few times a year – he hits you. Is that something you would ever feel okay about?? I imagine your answer would be no. There is a solid line drawn there. It’s NEVER okay for a guy to hit you – under any circumstance. That’s how solid the line needs to be drawn with your non-negotiable list. James may have been talking about a different kind of list. People often mistake the qualities on the non-negotiable list with the qualities they want to have and they are actually very different things. I “want” a guy who loves to be playful with sports. I “want” a guy who is financially successful. Are those things important to me? Absolutely!! Are they non-negotiable? Nope. So hopefully this brings you more clarity. Let’s keep talking about it.
“I’ve felt love could be blinding, just like with me and my ex-husband when I first met him that I missed his red flags. So I am a little bit afraid not to stick to my list and end up settling.” Love can be blind for sure. That’s why it is sooooo important to know yourself VERY well and to also have a good support system. As clear as I am about what kind of man I am looking for, as well as I know myself, I also know that the chemistry that appears can be blinding and entirely consuming. So I have my backup. I have my friends and coach who I submit to. Any guy who comes into my life that inspires me to want to connect deeply with, is going to have a gazillion “tests” to go through. It’s like a job interview – except it is your heart. Before I ever let a man in on the deepest level of my life, I must see him under stress. That’s the number 1 thing I always look for – how does he treat me, himself and those around him, when he is under high levels fear, hurt, anger etc. If he is respectful and navigates that stress with wisdom, forgiveness and wanting to honor the highest possible outcome – then green light! If he is harmful, mean or plays the victim – I don’t care how fun and caring and connective his is with me – it’s a solid red light. How a couple functions under stress is what makes or breaks any relationship. If – in the worst moments – you treat each other with respect – then it’s always workable. Anything less than that causes harm and I’m not interested in that. Under my high levels of stress – I am still respectful, I take ownership, I choose forgiveness, I am a very good communicator. I’ve done a lot of work to become that person, even in my worst moments – so I expect and require the same kind of treatment. Can it still be messy and full of drama??? Absolutely! And that’s okay. I just draw the line with being harmful. You never truly know someone’s full character until you have seen them in their worst. So when you are looking for a long term partner, you want to feel 100% safe with them, even when they are at their worst. This is just the starting place. I’ll leave it at that, as I could write an entire book on your questions. So let’s just take 1 piece at a time.
Yes! You interpreted correctly about filling up your love tank vs. being co-dependent.
“I think if I have found the love of my life, I will be okay with either lifestyle.” Whether or not you find and have the love of your life, you can be happy. You want to envision your life, either quiet and small or huge and expansive and KNOW that you feel fulfilled, happy and well-nourished – whether a man is part of it or not. You DO NOT need a man to have a great life!!!
“The humble lifestyle will probably be more appealing to me. Because I recently read about this couple that I’ve admired for a while because they have great venture together and seemed happy just announced their separation. This made me wonder if women with great visibility and career will always end up losing their loved one. A big part of me doesn’t want to believe that and a part of me know that I can’t predict the future nor any relationship I will be in. All I can do is cherish every day as they come to me. Maybe that’s enough for my happiness? Just choose to be happy and maximize each day.” Correct! That couple broke up because their time together needed to end, for whatever reasons. DO NOT connect their separation to her being visible and having a big career. There is no truth in that statement! If that is part of what caused the separation, it’s not because of the career itself, it’s because of the story each person created about the career. Just like money in and of itself is not “the root of all evil” it’s the person holding the money that can make it the “root of all evil.” Remember, it’s all about the storied we create about what’s happening. Those stories are either full of lies, fears, limiting beliefs and baggage or they can be more clear, expansive and open to change. The choice is yours.
Your vision is important. How you play with it, is up to you. Your only job is to step into it, explore it, experience it and express it – and truth is – it will be expressed in a million different ways before you leave this earth. So you will go through phases where it’s big and you reach 10 million people and phases where it’s small. Instead of focusing on HOW it’s expressed – whether to be big or small or reach 10 million people or not – you want to just focus on living your vision each day. Work on not being attached to the numbers and size of your vision, but instead the quality of your vision and yourself – let the rest of it fall away and be secondary. This allows for the universe, God, Jesus – or whatever you believe, to better guide you and source you in ways you cannot even imagine. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hey there!
It sounds like you had a wonderful meeting! That puts a HUGE smile on my face! There are so many layers here to address, but I’m going to just address 1 of them.
You asked about your tendency to create a negative story about what MJ is doing. First, it’s normal. We all can have tendencies to create the worst case scenario in our minds, as a way of protecting ourselves. Truth is, whatever story you make up in your mind, it’s not about making that story go away – it’s about embracing it. That story has a message for you! For example, your story about him going away to be with his new girlfriend etc., if you were to really look at it and dissect it, you would find all kinds of other thoughts and feelings. What are those thoughts and feelings?? That’s the key. Those thoughts and feelings (i.e. I’m not good enough and that’s why he is taking her instead of me, I’m not loveable, I’m must not be as much fun as her, I’ve lost him) are letting you know where you can offer yourself what you need, instead of looking to him. Maybe you needed comfort, or validation, or connection. I don’t know, but it’s basically taking the time to connect to yourself and feelings and asking yourself, “what do I need right now?” and then finding a way to accomplish that.
Does this make sense? It’s not about changing the pattern. That comes later. First and foremost, it’s diving INTO your pattern and exploring it further and connecting with it. THEN you can understand more about yourself and make deeper changes that are more permanent.I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are sharing this with him. The more you teach others what you are learning, the more it sinks into you and becomes a part of you! You said: “Also I shared about healthy relationship between two people that have their love tank full on their own so they are giving to one another out of joy and co-dependency.” I’m not sure if this was a typo, so I’m just asking. Did you mean to say co-dependency? Because co-dependency is not part of love. So if we need to talk about this, let’s do it!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow…what an intense experience. I’m so sorry you are going through this again. It’s so hard when you invest so much and love someone so much, to have to be torn like this.
It’s simple really – but simplicity is FULL of complication! His feelings are not your responsibility. He is blaming you for all these things that he is feeling inside of himself – it’s called projection. The thing is, you are playing into HIS story by trying to find ways to create solutions for how he feels. He is angry, even when things are good. He carries it with him everywhere he goes and then as stress builds, it leaks out and then occasionally explodes. This is HIS cycle and you are an easy and immediate target – which makes you part of supporting this cycle. It’s not your fault that he is angry. It’s not your fault that he believes you don’t love him or feel like you are a poor conversationalist or that he believes you are not interested in what he wants to talk about. Bottom line truth is, everything he is blaming you for, he feels about himself. Everything he blames you for is an inside look into how he really feels about himself. The only control you have is about how you participate in this. You cannot change him. His issues are FAR beyond learning how to communicate better. He can’t. The anger and depression are SOOOOO strong that he can’t communicate better. You are asking him to care for you, when he can barely care for himself. It just is unrealistic.
What to do next? It’s up to you. This is nothing new and you know that. You can wait it out and then hop onto the rollercoaster ride again or you can decide you don’t want to go through this cycle anymore. No one can tell you when you are ready to hop off. If you still want to get back on, then go for it! You know you will end up right back here again. You just need to wait it out. He will come around again and you guys will have fun and reconnect again. Or…you can decide this rollercoaster ride isn’t for you anymore. So you have 2 choices. You hop back on, or you don’t get on anymore. It’s that simple. He isn’t going to change. You will go through this again and again and again – and that’s okay – it’s your life – your design.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jade,
Welcome! I’m really sorry for what you are going through. Losing someone we love is so very difficult, especially in the beginning.
Let’s talk about this a little more. How long have you been dating? Do you guys live in the same area? Are you going off to college anywhere? I’m just curious if this would end up being a long distance kind of thing.
You mentioned he needs to heal and that you also need to heal. What is going on for you that you need to heal from? What does he need to heal from? What is he angry about?
It sounds like you both have a very strong connection with each other. It also sounds like he needs to space to work on whatever it is he is dealing with. If he is dealing with intense anger towards women, he is VERY SMART to step away and not let that anger come out towards you. Whether you feel you need protecting or not, he knows himself better than you know him. You don’t know the full extent of what he is feeling and thinking, so if he feels it’s best to “protect” you, by not exposing you to what is inside of him, then I would trust him.
I know you want him back while he is healing. Is he going to see a therapist? How exactly is he going to help himself through whatever he is feeling? What is he going to DO for his healing?
You also said you needed to work on yourself as well. What is your approach going to be?
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through, but it sounds like your relationship with him is quite tumultuous. I DO NOT recommend being sex buddies. First, it will hurt – A LOT. You love him and that’s the problem. Sex buddies is okay if there are not deep feelings involved, but that just isn’t the case for you, so first and foremost, you need to honor and protect your heart and DO NOT allow yourself to be used in that way. Second, yes – men have an easier time at being sex buddies than women. It’s just how they are built – it’s not a bad thing though. It’s just different. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings – it just means he would be able to “compartmentalize” much better than you.
I can understand his caution of not wanting to step back into a relationship that was “toxic.” No one should. It sounds like he really loves connecting with you, but he doesn’t want all the added extra drama. You have no control over how he behaves in a relationship, but you do have control over yourself and the kind of partner you are with him. So my suggestion is – NO SEX BUDDIES – but instead meet up for coffee or takeout or something and just get to know each other again – maybe start with just once. I would suggest that you really look at how you contributed to the toxicity and work on what you can do to become better for him and yourself first and foremost. As he sees those changes in you, you might see him start to change his behaviors that added to the toxicity. Does this approach make sense??? Bottom line, it doesn’t matter if you believe you are meant to be together. There may be a strong connection and a knowing, but how it was expressed in reality was not healthy – and that’s the area that needs to be worked on if a relationship with him is going to be possible again. Does this make sense?
Heidi
