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Hi Viola,
I understand your deep desire and need to stay connected. It hurts terribly to imagine your life without the person you love right by your side.
You are in a tough situation. It’s extra tricky because of your ages and the phase you are at in life. You both are at a point in life where the path splits. He will go play football somewhere and create and a completely different and separate life than wherever you go to college. You both are also at a developmental phase where it’s VERY NORMAL to have desires to experience all that life has to offer. Desires to date, desires to party, desires to learn or not learn. It’s a phase of entering adulthood for the very first time where you are no longer under your parent’s rules. There is a freedom on a new level, for the very first time when going to college. If you both end up staying local, that is a different story. Keeping the relationship together will be much easier, but that doesn’t change that BOTH of your worlds are about to drastically change. It’s a HUGE time of transition – and you don’t quite know it or understand it until you start to go through it yourself. I’m not surprised he is starting to pull away and possibly considering ending the relationship. It’s pretty normal for couples transition from high school to college, to break up.
I think it’s really important to truly listen to him and what he needs. I think it’s best to let go of the future for right now and just get very present and deal with what is in front of you right now. Create a space for him to be honest with you and really listen to his mindset. Love, in the end, is always wanting what is best for him. That may mean letting him go. You want a guy who asks for what he needs, yes? You want a guy who follows his internal guidance, yes? You want a guy who fights for what he needs, even if it means making a very hard decision like this, yes? All of those are great qualities, even though it would rip your heart out. If you want the very best for him, then support what he is asking for and understand what he is going through. See where the conversation takes you from that kind of mindset.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
HI Cecilia,
I support 100% what Kanya suggested as well. It’s time to stay away. He has become verbally abusive now. He is calling you names and demeaning you. You say you want to grow and find yourself…well now is the time to do that. If you want to grow, it’s time to start respecting yourself. The first way to do that is to step away from anyone who talks to you that way. He does not respect you and blames you for HIS challenges in his life. He gets to have that story in his mind, but it does not mean you need to stand there and take it. It’s abuse and it’s traumatizing. He is not offering you love and connection and someone who talks that way, does not have the ability to love deeply anyways.
It seems you are having a hard time really seeing how his words and behaviors are toxic to you. He has said several times to leave him alone and you are not respecting that either.
It’s time for you to let this guy go. Let him go live his life. It’s time you really respect his boundary and care enough about yourself to never reach out to again and take on the abusive words he is spewing out. Love yourself enough to not expose yourself to those kinds of harmful words.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
It sounds like you are becoming more clear.
Let’s talk about this statement a little more: “I feel like I’m just going to have to let go of this guy since I’ve changed so much for him that I don’t know what else I have to give up for him.” I’m curious…what did you choose to change for him? What have you given up for him? That is not a way to a make a relationship work. That is a way to destroy it. The moment you don’t allow yourself to be who you are 100%, that’s the moment you start to abandon yourself and then the seeds of resentment get planted. It is not your job to change for him or anyone. It’s your job to be most authentic self. Is this a common pattern you have?
Also, you have a very specific way and idea of how you feel love should be expressed. Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It’s great! It can help you understand the different ways that people express love and how many times people miss the signals. I’m not saying you should stay with your guy. I’m just wanting to expand your mindset so you have more insight into relationships in general.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
Any word yet?
Kind of a bummer that he didn’t at least acknowledge what you said. He might need some time to really think about what you said. Guys are not the best at communicating. They usually need A LOT of coaching on how to communicate. To make it even worse, it’s over text. He wasn’t able to feel you, see you, hear you. That means he could be interpreting your message in a completely different way than what you are intending. This is the hard part about long distance and what you guys are doing. Can you initiate a time talk in person??? It really would be so much better that way!Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m sooooo so glad you guys had a good time moving. It sounds like it went really well and you guys are continuing to bond. You both are talking about your houses and asking for opinions and imagining each other in the future together. This is good!
As far as seeing that dating app, my guess is, he just hasn’t taken it off. So many people leave apps they no longer use on their phone. Maybe you can check the app on your own and see if he is active on it? Even if his account is still active, that doesn’t mean he is still interacting with anyone. I get your fear though. I’m gonna validate you that it’s a very natural and normal response you are having about it. I imagine anyone, male or female, would end up having initial thoughts and feelings of fear on some level about it. Things are still very new with you guys and there is usually a super awkward phase trying to figure out if you guys are on the same page as time goes on. There could be a concern, but there could also not be a concern. I think it really depends on you and your personality. I am very blunt. I ask my questions and explain why I am asking the majority of the time. Before I ask my questions though, I always work on clearing any negative feelings, so that I have a good, clear conversation with them. So personally, I would straight up ask him “Hey, so I saw this app on your phone yesterday when you were showing me something. It made me wonder if you were still open to dating other people. I know we haven’t ever talked about this and it’s been a super weird time. Seeing that app just made me wonder and I would love to just talk about it if you are willing….” That may not be how you want to handle it though. Being the kind of person I am, I need a guy who appreciates my honesty and my questions. I also need a guy strong enough to tell when to back off as well, so all these little moments is how you figure each other out and see if you work well together. You can also just let it go, do a little side research on your own and just keep paying attention. You guys will need to have that conversation at some point about becoming exclusive anyways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
I’m working on getting the specific information you have asked for. In the meantime, what’s happening for you that you are searching for all this information? Is there a situation in your life that we can help offer some ideas to help you along? Each situation is so unique, so many times it’s helpful to get an expert’s guidance on how to best handle what’s happening. We would love to help!
Heidi
Hey there! Again…great questions!
I’m going to first address this: “Like I am watching myself being bullied but I am helpless about it.” You almost got upset about MJ calling you out and calling you “wishy-washy” because there is some truth in it for you. You are wishy washy and allow other’s “stronger” opinions matter more than your own…therefore you don’t really allow yourself to exist in the situation – and then on top of that, you have strong judgment towards yourself about this. You are like this because you have a belief, a pattern that was established as a child. I don’t know the details of it, but whatever that program is probably comes from your parents. You learned that if you stayed quiet, respected your elders, shoved all your thoughts and emotions aside, then that was the best way to exist and survive. If you were crying everytime the teacher called on you as a child, that is a great rabbit hole to go down. You were so scared about getting in trouble. That tells you how early those programs began for you – and you still carry them to this day. The way you shift it is by digging into those programs, dissecting them, embracing them, loving them, having compassion for yourself, forgiving and then helping those very young beliefs transform into beliefs sourced by truth instead of lies. That’s the general approach. There are a lot of ways to go about this. Have you not worked on this with your therapist??
Also, there is a point where generosity becomes toxic to you. You might want to really look into that for yourself. I understand you are not bothered by continuing to work for him even though you are not being paid right now. You have all kinds of reasons why it feels okay for you…AND….you have to remember you are VERY COMFORTABLE overgiving. It’s been a way that you have functioned your whole life. I would encourage you to do the things that make you feel uncomfortable! MJ made an agreement with you and he is not following through on it. All the time you are investing in him, is taking time away from you and your vision. You are not receiving the agreed upon payment for your work, so it would very natural and normal to end the agreement and no longer do the work. In many ways I have no doubt he has really helped you to use your voice and be more authentic. In another way, he is using you to work for him, not having any clue when and how he can pay you. That is out of integrity. So he is helping you and using you at the same time. Maybe it’s time to set a boundary where you do not allow yourself to expend any energy for anyone that is not able to pay you what you are worth!!! Just a thought.
I will go over your list at another time.
As far as your love tank being full, we all have a love tank that is wavering every single day. Like the tides the ocean. BUT, there is a certain range it will waiver within. You want to be hanging out closer to the top, right? Yes, sometimes it spills out, but because the person knows how to care for themselves, they will figure out ways to fill it back up. As far as you being independent and sending a message to the universe that you don’t “need” a man, that is true. If you feel you “need” a man in order to be happy, you are going to attract a lower vibration experience that will bring a lot of drama. My personal love tank is pretty full. Do I still have a lot to go? ABSOLUTELY! I can feel and see the areas in my life that could really use a lot of help. Does that prevent me from finding a high vibe kind of love? Nope. Because I operate at a pretty high frequency, so I will attract a man who lives around the same frequency as me. I am definitely messed up in a lot of ways however, I have the skillset, the support system, the EQ to handle the stressors that show up. Every day I get better at loving myself when I am crazy messy and not what I want to be. So the love tank being full is not about being stress free, drama free or wounded free, it’s about the person’s ability to connect deeply with themselves when all of the messiness shows up. They are able to have control over their emotions and they have methods, techniques and ways of dealing with the triggers when they show up. They take responsibility for when they get triggered and don’t blame anyone for how they feel. They handle stress in a healthy way, they KNOW they are responsible for getting their needs met and are creative about how to make that happen. So…this isn’t about whether or not you need a man. I do not need a man. I would like to have a man though. Falling in love would be a wonderful compliment into my life. I am extremely independent and can source myself 100%. Any man who comes along will love that about me. That does not mean however, that I will absolutely love to bring him into my life and ask for help in a million different ways and vice versa. Does this clear it up for you a little more? Keep asking questions. There are a million ways to say things – the more you ask, the more I understand the pieces that are missing for you.
As far as your daughter, she is so young. She won’t be able to fully understand what it means to manage him. You just have to teach her first and foremost to keep choosing forgiveness towards her father. She will even need to work on forgiving you eventually for choosing him in the first place. She is too young to understand the dynamics of everything. The very best thing you can do is to keep connecting her back to her truth whenever he does or says something that hurts her feelings. Him being more restrictive than you is just a normal thing. It’s good practice for when she becomes an adult and she has jobs and bosses where she will have to be doing things she doesn’t agree with or like doing (like cleaning bathrooms – filing papers etc. – who knows!). She has to develop an ability to be okay with it. It’s just part of life. So she gets good practice being with him and under his guidelines. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful!
My first question is, what is going on for you that you have to get married before 30? Why?
I’d also like to just address this last sentence: “That is why I’m trying to see if there is a way to tell him that its okaay to show those emotions without alarming him. I know I’m still trying to fix him, but I think this feature of showing his vulnerable emotions is important in any type of relationships.” It’s soooooo important for you to really understand that him not wanting to be vulnerable is much more complicated, layered and very deep beliefs and programming that he lives by. Telling him it’s okay to have emotions is not even going to touch it. If it were that simple, he wouldn’t be who he is.
Here is the thing. You are correct in believing that vulnerability is a key factor in any relationship that is going to be healthy and sustainable. You are choosing a guy who doesn’t live that way. Can he change? Well…anyone can change, but most are not willing to do the deep dive work necessary for those permanent changes. He is showing you who he is. If he can’t even be vulnerable and connective with his niece or dog, 2 souls that hardly need anything from him, that tells you how guarded he is. I used to be that guarded and let me tell ya, it took an incredible amount of deep work, persistence and a drive to heal for me to get past the walls I had built up. So it’s important for you to really come to grips with the kind of guy you are trying to fit into your vision of relationship. Your vision of the kind of relationship you want to experience, does not fit with the guy you are choosing. So you have to either change your vision to match him, accept who he really is and understand that he gets to be that way and let him be, or move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your fear. It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection and when things are good, they are really good.
It sounds like he is just in overwhelm. When people are in that space and it’s coming from all directions, it’s very normal to want to retreat. Now is not the time to ask him for help with anything. Now is the time for you to come in and just support him. Understand that he may need extra space right now. Men LOVE to go into their caves and just think and figure things out. Us ladies tend to do way better talking about it all out loud, as that helps us process better. So your job is to let him be in that cave, leave him alone, trust his process and then bring him meals throughout the day. That’s the concept you want to work with. This is HIS time right now. The best way to help him through this is to trust and believe in him and then provide support in a million different ways. Sometimes men will come out of their cave and want to talk and then they will go back in. If he does come out and talk, you LISTEN. DO NOT PROBLEM SOLVE. Your first objective is to just remind him of his own power and ability to handle everything that is happening. So you say things like, “I see why you are overwhelmed. It’s a lot to deal with. I believe in you. I know that you have what it takes to figure all of this out. I have no doubt that even though all of this is crazy right now, you will come out the other side and be a better man for it. That’s one of the things I love about you….”
You can also support him by making sure you ask for nothing from him right now. Give him all the time and space he needs. Like I said before, do not ask for any help from him about anything. Think about small ways you can support him. Keep his life as drama free as possible. This “friend” of both of yours needs to not be involved in any way in your conversations. Keep her out completely. Focus on making his favorite dinners, packing him lunches, doing extra things to make his life as easy as possible. One thing that is really important to say to him, is something to the effect of, “I know you are going through so much right now. I want you to know that I am okay. You go take as much time and space as you need to figure things out, I just ask that you keep letting me know when you need to disappear for awhile. I will be here each time you get back. I am happy to listen any time you want to talk. Otherwise, I won’t bother you about any of it. I trust that when and if you are ready to share anything, you will. I just see my role right now as being completely supportive of you in any way that I can. Is there anything different you would like from me?”
Men have a really hard time going into their caves because they are afraid it will hurt their women, so by you giving him permission, it will be 1 less thing he has to worry about.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
If the door is still open for him to stay close friends, then why not give it a shot! I would stay away from talking to him at all about the relationship and how he is feeling. You sharing that it upset you that he was not showing you enough attention or showing enough interest in you, is going to be interpreted by him, that he is not enough. I’m not sure how you said it to him, but either way, it’s a HUGE key as to understand what pushed him away. I know you want to gain his interest back, but before you really go down that path, are you going feel like you are getting your needs met, by him just being himself? That means, whatever made you feel like he wasn’t showing enough interest in you, is still going to be there. Is that okay for you? Can you accept this? Are you able to let it go and not mention anything about it?
Heidi
Hi Cicci,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts and details.
It sounds like you are pretty clear that you want a relationship with him. First, it’s important to set some guidelines/boundaries that you feel comfortable with. This way you BOTH are on the same page. This is not about him, it’s about you helping to create clear communication as to how you feel comfortable interacting. These are YOUR boundaries and have nothing to do with him. Since you are worried he my be using you, which is very possible, set some boundaries you feel good about. Besides, no one can be used without their consent. He can only use you if you allow him to. That’s why it’s important for you to get clear about how you feel comfortable interacting with him, regardless of whether he is using you or not. So maybe you set a boundary of no sleeping over. That’s a pretty fast forward kind of activity for 2 people that are just taking things slow and bit by bit. Instead, why not go on dates? You said you guys didn’t go out much, so why not create all different kinds of activities to do. Create some delicious food, have a glass of wine and sit down and create a list of everything you guys want to do, both inside and outside. Things like puzzles, painting, game night, making a new meal together, take a dance lesson, do an exercise class together, learn a new language together etc. Then set up a date once or twice a month and start to check off your list.
Stay away from ALL relationship talk. Remember, you guys are getting to know each other again. It’s going to take time. Let go of needing him to commit and take on the mindset that this is a great opportunity to kind of “start over” and just start dating and getting to know each other as if it were the first time. Make this a season full of adventure and being curious about each other and seeing if you guys really fit together in a healthy way. Adding in some fun activities can really bring a great dynamic out in a couple.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
You are asking some great questions.
You ignore yourself every time you make him more important than you. From how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you have been doing that for 3 years. He doesn’t give you the attention and meet your needs, therefore by staying with him, you are ignoring your needs and wants. You keep wanting HIM to meet your needs when in reality, you have chosen to be with someone, for 3 years, that is not interested in being in the kind of relationship you want and need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
Even in your final sentences, it was all about him, not you. “…how he feels or what he wants from a relationship. Is there a way I can ask in a subtle way without alarming him?” What about you? You have spent 3 years trying to “get” more from him and you still want to keep trying. You are completely ignoring the fact that he gets to be however he wants and he doesn’t nor should change for anyone. He is not interested in changing or being a better partner for you. You don’t want to “alarm” him by telling him directly how you feel and setting some standards for yourself? To me, that sounds like someone who is more concerned about him than herself – hence you ignoring your needs and wants, so you can stay connected to him. And you get to do that! You get to choose that kind of relationship. However, you are doing him and you a disservice by spending an incredible amount of energy trying to get him to change. It sounds like you have made several attempts already. There is a point in which your words and feelings will just annoy him, because you just keep saying the same things over and over. He will become more and more unresponsive.
Before you talk to him about what HE wants in a relationship, what do you want? It’s crucial for you to get very clear about what you want and need. Then, if you want to open up that conversation, you also have to be prepared that if he does not want to give you what you need or you are not able to offer him what he needs, you guys may need to consider going your separate ways. In order for any relationship to work, BOTH people need to be in agreement with how to function in the relationship. A very wise woman said to me once, I loved my ex-husband so deeply, but I realized I did not love the life we created together. The live you create together is this 3rd, invisible entity in your relationship. There is you, there is him, there is the life you create together. So how you both function on a daily basis, the life you create together needs to be loved, valued, nurtured and supported if a relationship is going to last. Just some things to think about.
So share with me what you are wanting to accomplish with talking to him. What do you want and HOW do you want him to behave and be for you? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him? And…do you feel he is capable of offering what you want? Has he ever been that kind of boyfriend for you? We can then sculpt a way to start a conversation with him about this.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
I understand you feel and believe his choice is inexcusable. What I’m trying to suggest is to look beyond that. If all you focus on is the action, you lose all the wonderful things that are there to teach you about yourself and him. This is an opportunity for you to look beyond his action. That’s why I am suggesting to connect with him through curiosity. Regardless of your belief that he should have contacted you before he left, truth is, you don’t know why he made that choice. You don’t know what is happening for him right now. And pay attention to YOUR reaction as well. Maybe he didn’t trigger you not feeling prioritized…maybe he triggered abandonment or not feeling special or not feeling valuable or fought for. Do you identify with any of those feelings from your past? Truth is, if there is nothing in us to be triggered, it wouldn’t matter how someone behaved because there would be no trigger to activate. So the fact that he has triggered you, tells you there is a subconscious belief, wound you are carrying around that got activated by his choice.
This may not be the path of understanding you are interested in going down, so if you have more questions about this, I am happy to discuss it with you. Otherwise I will let it go.
I’m curious, what is stopping you from talking to him about how you are feeling. He found the time and space to communicate with you how he felt ignored. WHy not create some time and space for yourself to talk to him about your feelings?
Heidi
Hey!
Wow! Quite the intense and controlling guy! It’s hard to imagine you married to him, but I can see why that would have happened before you were able to connect to yourself in the way you are now.
First, remember that everything he triggers in you can only be a trigger because of the beliefs and stories and woundedness you carry about yourself. So every single trigger in your life is a window into your subconscious. Each time you get triggered, it’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and do deeper healing work since the feelings are up and being activated.
Second, it’s good that you are moving into a space of acceptance about him vs. hoping and having faith he will change. Acceptance is the place you will find the most peace. Hope is about the future and it’s futile. Start imagining peaceful and easy exchanges with him. Make sure you are practicing true and deep forgiveness towards him. Do everything you can to keep clearing the judgment you have towards him. I know this is easier said than done though. It’s an incredible amount of work. If he is NPD or at least extreme with narcissistic tendencies, then it’s important to understand how to deal with a narcissist to keep the peace. You “manage” them. You play into their game, you give them what they need and you will find an incredible amount of ease comes from it. For example, my father was an NPD. So I knew that if we were ever going to “hang out” it was going to be dinner and a movie. I made sure and planned specific topics to talk about and even made up things to ask for his advice about because I knew if we “colored outside of the lines” of specific topics, we would run into trouble. As long as I stayed within the subjects that were “safe” for him and me, we were all good. The movie was always great because we didn’t have to talk to each other. That’s what it means to “manage.” Now being that he is their father, it obviously is much more difficult than what I just explained, but maybe it can open the door to specific ways to “manage” the relationship. Understand and accept it will be nothing more than this – ever. Does this make sense? We will keep talking about this though. Share some of your ideas on how you can best manage him. Do you have a deep understanding of narcissists and how to be in a relationship with one? There are a gazillion books about it.
And you know, it’s okay if you don’t respond to him. No matter how many excuses he makes up, you don’t have to respond. Responses can short and clear. The more you have emotion, he knows he has engaged you and will get his power fix off of you. That’s how narcissists work. So react all you want, but just do it away from him and in your own space. Anytime you interact with him, you need to be as neutral and unaffected as possible. Seems impossible, right? I get it. But that’s why you have to keep working on your own deep woundedness and beliefs that attracted you to him in the first place. Look at him as your teacher. He is teaching you and showing you all the places inside of yourself where are disconnected and full of fear, hurt and discord. So even in your prayers, send “thank you” messages to him for helping you become more of who you are. Does this make sense?
Lastly, I know you feel the need to protect your daughters as well. Of course you would! If you fear for their safety, then I would imagine taking legal steps to create boundaries is important. I can’t tell you what to do in this aspect as I don’t have a full understanding of your situation, so your therapist is probably the best person to guide you through how and what you can do to protect yourself and your daughters.
As you strategize as to your next best steps, your goal is to keep clearing as much negative energy and fear as possible. This way, whatever steps you take to move forward, you are coming from the clearest, highest vibration possible.
Did I answer your questions? I’m not sure if you got what you needed, so we can keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
So do you see the story he created around you “ignoring” him? That story is what caused him to have a reaction, no different than you having a story about him saying goodbye. The truth about ALL of our stories is it’s coming from a place of woundedness…our stories we create come from the baggage we carry from our past. Truth is, it’s not YOUR job to make sure he doesn’t feel ignored. That’s part of HIS woundedness and something he probably experienced as a kid. So instead of taking responsibility for how he feels, he points the finger at others who activate the emotional network he is carrying around being “ignored.” The story you created around him not saying goodbye was about not feeling like a priority or important…yes? Have you felt like that in your life a lot? Especially growing up?
I’m taking you down this path of thinking so you can maybe carry a different perspective about what happens when you or he gets triggered. It’s a GREAT learning opportunity about the beliefs and wounds that are carried in the subconscious.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
