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Hey there! Just checking in and seeing how you are doing. I’m sure you are super busy right now, so no rush in posting anything soon. Just know you are being thought about and you matter!
Heidi
I bet you are tired! Moving is absolutely exhausting. I have done it soooooo many times in my life. I somehow end up moving once a year or once every few years. I have a whole system in place and boxes etc. so that it’s as easy as possible, but it’s still exhausting, so I know what you are going through. I totally get that kind of tired where you do stupid brainless things like break things and hurt yourself…lol.
Doesn’t it feel good to miss somebody? It’s great feedback as to where you are in your heart with that person. He is becoming a pretty solid part of your life. I love it and am excited for you!
Things are so interesting here as tensions rise with all the protests. It’s leaking into the smallest parts of life. I’ve had a few clients who are white that are getting some pretty nasty remarks. One client was running outside, early in the morning and someone yelled outside their house at him “White privilege!” Another client of mine had her roommate (who is Mexican and a hairdresser – and has been struggling financially because of covid) yell at my client (my client’s online business is booming like crazy – so she is doing the best she ever has financially) when she asked her roommate if she was okay. Her roommate just kept yelling at her accusing her of her “white privilege” and saying she is was using her “white power” to make her roommate feel bad about herself when my client offered to cover the utility bills for a few months. It’s just so sad to me how people just keep pointing fingers at everyone as their own emotions get all stirred up – and that people feel okay saying harmful things to whomever they are targeting. And I’ve heard so many more stories of this. There still is quite a bit of unrest and uncertainty with Covid numbers going up pretty high in certain states, things open, things not open, the riots and people just starting to go “stir crazy” so few people have healthy skills to deal with the emotions that are coming up. Personally, I am doing great and loving this period of time in my life. I’m doing a lot of deeper and much needed transformational work on myself. I find that most people are either taking advantage of this time or becoming victim to it. How is your area handling opening up a little more?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
The very best way to keep the “right” man interested is just being your happy, confident self. Men love to be around a woman who knows who she is, doesn’t need him to make her happy and able to live a full life, all on her own. She is the creator of her life and she loves her life. Men are very attracted to this kind of woman (the right kind of men). So it’s not about you “doing” any specific to keep him interested. If he loses interest, then maybe it’s just not meant to be. Just being yourself is enough to keep the right kind of man engaged with you. You are enough, just as you are.
ON top of that, offer him compliments, show your appreciation for him, keep things slow and stay VERY connected to yourself and what is okay for you. Keep distance and allow him to chase you. Hold off for awhile before having sex. Be flirty and available, yet make him feel like he could lose you.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
This is a great opportunity for you to dive into those “empty” feelings and find out what’s there. If you just ignore it and keep yourself distracted, it will always be with you and is something that will always be able to get triggered in you. If you dive into it, you can discover the feelings you are carrying, why they are there and then get to know yourself better. Do you ever journal? One of my favorite books is called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron https://juliacameronlive.com/ It’s not about being an artist…it is about self-discovery and she has wonderful questions to help you journey deeper into yourself.
Derek Rydall also has some great books: https://getemergencebook.com/
The idea is, you want to connect to those parts of you that are feeling “empty.” If you don’t, you will just keep finding ways to connect to someone else that will help you not feel empty and then that person becomes your source for happiness – when in truth, YOU need to be your own source for happiness. THis makes for a much healthier foundation for any relationship. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Mallorie,
Welcome! Wow…you guys are really going through a lot. I’m so sorry for this struggle, but it sounds like there are many many gifts in it and you are finding them. You are waking up on a brand new level and that is just wonderful! Well done!!! I hope he is taking the same journey as well. You BOTH have a lot of work to do.
Is there a possibility to go to a marriage specialist? There is so much to learn and navigate, that having a 3rd party would really be helpful. Or maybe go through a book or program together? John Gottman does spectacular work with relationships and marriages. You can find a therapist trained by him. Here is his website: http://www.gottman.com He also has couples retreated / parenting programs etc. You can do a ton of work on yourself, but that only part of the equation, as you have the relationship and the life you build together as something that needs to heal and be repaired as well. DO you think he would be willing to do something WITH you?
The very first thing you can begin to do is start to appreciate him more. It doesn’t matter if he offers it in return. This is about YOU being the kind of person, wife, partner you want to be, just because it’s how you want to live your life. So imagine what kind of person you would be if you were happy and getting all your needs met. How would you treat him? How would you treat yourself? What kinds of things would you do? How would you show him that you valued him? Make a list, write it all out and then start to BE that way. Of course it won’t always be easy, but it is a choice you have, each day and each moment about the kind person you want to be in this world. This can maybe start to help put some deposits into the “soul bank” of the marriage.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Awwww! Thank you for your appreciation! It always warms our hearts deeply knowing we are able to truly support someone through their challenge. So thank you for saying that!
So when he says something like that, the very best thing you can do for him is to instead of saying “that’s the old you” (because it doesn’t feel like that to him) you get him talking. Here is a very simple 4 step process to remember when helping anyone through a challenge or statement like that.
1. Listen – let the person
2. Validate
3. Ask questions – get curious
4. Problem solve
The first 3 steps are all interchangeable. It is the MOST IMPORTANT part of supporting a person through their thought process. Many times, that is all that is needed and problem solving doesn’t even need to happen.SO when he says something like that you could say, “Yeah…I get it. I have made so many decisions that have caused a lot of chaos in my life. I know I always will, as that’s just part of being human I guess.” “I’m so sorry you have to feel regret. You are doing the very best that you know how with the information you have. Even with your best intentions, things won’t turn out well sometimes. You are a good man regardless. Your heart is in a good place and it’s one of my favorite things about you. Whether you mess up or not in life, it doesn’t change your heart. The fact that you care so much just reminds me of the good man that you are and I love that about you.” “You know, you’ve said you regret your decisions a lot. I’ve always wondered why. I guess I just figure that we all do the best we can and things are still going to be messy, but it’s okay. I just view those times as teaching moments. There’s always so much to learn so I can do better next time. How do you view it?” or you can keep it even more simple and just say “Wow. I see you are really beating up on yourself about this. Tell me more about it.” Or “I’m sorry this is so hard for you. It just sucks to have to deal with the consequences of choices we make. I have complete faith in you that you will figure this out though. Your heart is in the right place and there hasn’t ever been a time that you didn’t get through a challenge. You will get through this one too.”
Hopefully this gives you a more full picture of the various responses of how you can support him. There are also a ton of small things you can do like leaving little “I believe in you” notes in his wallet or jeans pocket or in his car. You can send him super funny youtube videos that might make him laugh just for a moment. You can send him articles that might help him through what he is going through.
It sounds like he could also use a role model. Maybe do some research on some self help books written by a man that would offer guidance for your guy. Maybe buy a book for him or an audio book or send him some podcast links. It is soooooo helpful to get someone else’s voice in your mind and heart to counteract the craziness.
Heidi
Hi Cissi,
Good to hear your thoughts and feeling about everything! It’s helpful to understand more about you and how you function in your life.
This is a BIG concern and red flag: “I think I’ve gotten so used to it by now, this behaviour, that I don’t really register it in the same way like before, don’t believe it in the same way or get that hurt by it anymore.” If you are used to being abused and don’t get hurt by it anymore, that’s letting you know you are shut down and numb. You are SUPPOSED to be hurt by it!!! It’s not healthy and it’s toxic and harmful. Imagine having stuck your hand on a hot stove soooo many times that you don’t even feel the heat anymore. Does that mean that the hot stove isn’t doing damage? Nope. Every single time it does damage and harms your skin and your nerves even though your body will have built up lots of scar tissue so you don’t feel the burn anymore. That’s all that happened here. You have numbed your protective mechanisms that are the messengers of warning. Hurt and pain is an alarm for us to let us know we need to proceed with caution. You have turned those off. A healthy person would be hurt and feel the pain of verbal abuse and get away from it, not stay in it. I wonder what your childhood was like. Did you have parents or siblings who treated you this way??
“Sadly enough, I try to always see the good in people, having hope, believing it can be better, always stick my neck out when someone is feeling down, always being there because I believe in the good, trying not to let the bad stuff win and having faith. I am like that with everyone that I care about or know.” This is a beautiful way to see and experience people. It’s a gift. The thing about this though, is you need to love and care for yourself JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than others. You are excluding yourself in this. You are a person too. You are hurting, allowing yourself to be abused and yet you choose to stay in it. That is NOT a loving, caring, connective and kind choice towards yourself. You are offering all this love and acceptance and care to him at the expense of yourself. It is NOT true love, true kindness, true compassion or true acceptance when it causes you harm.
He may or may not come back. Who knows. The thing is, he is abusive and harmful to you, so your goal needs to find a way to completely separate from the person. He can apologize until he is blue in the face, but that DOES NOT change behavior. What changes behavior is deep healing. The ONLY way he can change is to get help. He needs to face himself, his fears, his wounds, his hurt and anger that he is carrying around all the time. Until he does that, he will ALWAYS be abusive and it WILL escalate. The longer he lives like this, the more it grows over time. The odds of him turning physically abusive are VERY HIGH. It may take another 10 years, but the anger will just get bigger and bigger, if he doesn’t deal with it. He is DANGEROUS!!!
I know this would be a new way of thinking for you and I have no doubt you will push away what I am saying. And that’s okay. My suggestion is to get a therapist if you can. I think it’s important for you to start to connect more to yourself, care more about how you are treated and deal with your own wounds that are there that make it okay for you to be abused and mistreated like this. Otherwise, if you disconnect from him, you will only find another abuser to connect to.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Isn’t it crazy how you can feel love for this person across the world and you yet you barely know him?? It’s all so fascinating to me. Is it scary for you? When are you coming to visit? Are you able to come for a period of time? Like for 4 or 5 months, to really get a good sense of each other?
Heidi
Okay…let’s talk about your list a little more. It’s getting closer. First, the energy of this list feels like it’s more of a “what I want in a partner” kind of list. You are thinking of what you want and don’t want (i.e. Spiritual and humble: strong faith, humble to God, not arrogant.) I want you to go even deeper. There is a deeper layer you haven’t quite accessed yet. It’s a bit challenging when you haven’t dated much and haven’t had practice being in different kinds of relationships. You are just now getting to know yourself and growing into a new version of yourself, so your list is even going to change in the next year as you learn more about yourself and relationships in general. For example, let’s look at #3. Your definition of what thoughtful is, is very specific. “Thoughtful – think of other’s needs and feelings. Knows when to give meaningful gifts to make people feel special. He will plan dates thoroughly (I am this quite detailed when I plan something).” Have you ever read the 5 love languages? Each of us has different ways of being thoughtful, loving and romantic. So having the idea in your mind that he needs to plan dates thoroughly and with detail, is something you would like, but is it REALLY a deal breaker if he doesn’t? Wouldn’t it be fun to have a guy who also took you on dates that were adventurous and not planned?? Spontaneity is a great quality, right? Just something to think about.
What I would like to suggest for now is to give your list 1 more round, going deeper and then table it. Put it away and re-visit it at a later time. Right now, the focus needs to be most on you and learning the ways you can be more authentic in your daily life. It’s time for you to become more empowered in your life. Your vision of a man and a relationship is the very last thing you want to work on. You have to BECOME more of who you are first. You are like a brand new dear trying to figure out how the heck to walk. Stay present on what needs to happen RIGHT NOW and then when you have your legs under you, when you can run and play and do everything you want to be able to do, on those currently wobbly legs, then it would be the time to consider starting to date.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
You are definitely getting closer to understanding how you function in your life in order to be accepted and loved! Well done! This pattern of being the “agreeable” girl taught you that you were loved better that way. It’s quite common actually and these patterns connected to how we get love are really difficult to break. We deeply desire to be loved and to belong, so changing how you make that happen is scary…however ESSENTIAL to be loved and belong to the kind of people who see us for who we really are. When we are inauthentic and putting on a mask, we attract the people that like that kind of mask. So it’s time to take that mask off, right? Then you will find brand new people who support who you really are. The current people will either join you on this growth or fall away. It’s quite courageous of you!!!
As far as your clients and you offering “free” services to existing clients, how about you create some new boundaries for yourself and send out an email to each existing client. You can say something like, “I’ve been going through re-branding and re-structuring my business as it’s time for a growth spurt. I’ve restructured prices. From this date forward, here are the prices for each service….payment is now expected upfront prior to me doing the work. I know these are some big changes, so if there are any questions, please call me or respond to this email and we can have a conversation about it. I value our relationship and business adventures deeply. I look forward to hearing from you….”
With MJ, I know it’s an uncomfortable topic. Everything you are going to be doing now for yourself will feel VERY uncomfortable. It’s a new side of you he hasn’t experienced before and has been pushing for you to be, but that also means it will affect him. He will start to have much more respect for you though, as he feels more and more of your boundaries.
The whole high vibe repelling lower frequency thing is not as simple as that. I operate at a high frequency, however, I did attract a guy full of an incredible amount of anger, bipolar and surprisingly was entertaining as hell! I was soooo attracted to him. The chemistry between us was off the charts. I did nothing about it though. Neither did he. We just let that energy be there and left it at that. It was very hard, but very necessary as we both knew that we could NEVER be in relationship together and have it be a good one. So anyone can be pulled into your “high-vibe.” It’s a matter of you saying yes or no to that experience that determines what frequency you are going to choose to live in. If I had said yes to him, I would have been pulled out of my high vibe living into his level of frequency. Does this make sense? You are making HUGE improvements after your ex. The fact that you are actually considering what you want and magnifying that, instead of hiding it, is a giant step forward! You are definitely heading in the right direction!
So will you move to him or vice versa? Or maybe meet somewhere in the middle?
I’m glad to hear he is back and connecting. It sounds like you just being a consistent person that is there for him, is enough for him right now.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wonderful! It sounds like you are clear about the app and just let those negative feelings fly on by. Well done!
I think the warming party is a great idea. It could even lead into the conversation about exclusivity. You could say something like, “I’ve decided to have a house warming party. I would love for you to be there and meet all my friends. If that feels like too much for you right now and you aren’t quite ready to do that yet, I also understand and respect that. I’m not sure what your mindset is as far as the pace you feel comfortable moving forward with me….”
He might just say yes and leave it at that, but you might be able to pull a little more out of him by say, “Great! I’m excited for that! It did get me wondering though about the pace you feel good with. From all the different dating I’ve done, I have learned that everyone has certain things in their minds that are fast or slow etc. and it’s different for each person. For example, one guy might think that meeting friends and family only happens after being exclusive where the next guy opens his family to anyone and everyone and doesn’t think a thing about it….so I’d love to learn about you. What is in your mind on this topic? I’m curious…”
Heidi
Oh man, he’s having a hard time. It’s so hard to not be able to be there for him, isn’t it? I’m curious. Have you guys ever talked about how to move to be in the same space? It just gets harder to maintain a long distance relationship. Do you guys have any kind of plan about how you want to continue moving forward?
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
Okay…so everything you asked about are not “be irresistible” products. You probably found them through other products we promoted in our emails. That means you will need to email them directly to be able to get the specifics of what you are asking about. I’m sorry we could not help you further with those details. We still would love to help you with your situation though. Lets us know some details!
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I am really curious why you stated that you needed some space. That was not my impression. I thought you wanted to connect more with him. Help me understand this a little more.
Before he leaves, it could be a good thing to just get on the same page as him. When people say “I need space” that could mean a million different things. It’s important to clarify what EXACTLY that means. What does that mean for you and what does that mean for him? So it can be a super simple and quick conversation before he leaves. You can say something like “I know you are leaving and I just wanted to ask real quick. I know we are giving each other a little breathing room right now, but I wanted to know what felt comfortable for you while you are away. Is it okay that I message you each day? HOw about doing a check in each night and having a conversation? For me, I’d like to still connect daily. I do miss you. But I want to know what you need and what is comfortable for you. I understand that may change from day to day, but let’s just start with today and what feels okay for you right now and then we can just go one day at a time.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
