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Hi Naomi,
I’m so sorry you lost your boyfriend. I can understand why you feel like and believe you would never feel that way again, but you have! All that is telling you, is that it’s possible. The heart is soooooo darn resilient. Love and connection is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and each branch you grow represents love in your life. A branch will grow that is full of fruit and life and when there is an ending, the branch just becomes dormant. BUT…you have the ability to grow other branches if you want to. So this guy was a new branch for a period of time and although you want to give it life, he is not willing to go down that path with you, so it’s time to stop sourcing that branch. BUT….the good news is, YOU CAN GROW ANOTHER BRANCH! Each branch, each experience of love and connection, is different. No branch is ever the same and neither is love. I have loved 6 different times in my life and each one was so different and each one sourced me for a period of time. Then I work on releasing and healing each experience and open my mind and heart to the next experience – whenever that shows up. But you have to have the mindset to know it’s possible, so hopefully at the very least, this guy has taught you that you CAN feel connected with another guy. You CAN laugh with another guy. You CAN love again.
How does this all feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
There are a few things that are important to connect to for right now. I agree with Kanya in that it would be a good thing to slow down in your mindset about him. You are putting him on this pedestal and believing he is a once in a lifetime kind of guy and that sure is a lot of pressure! You may be like-minded in a lot of ways, but that DOES NOT mean he has what it takes to have a healthy, nourishing and sustainable relationship. This is what Kanya is talking about by giving it a lot of time. You guys have the connection, but that DOES NOT automatically translate into building a life together that makes you both feel happy, safe, secure and nourished. This kind of stuff takes time and experience with each other. You do not know what he is like when he is deeply hurt. You do not know what he is like when he is angry. You do not know what he is like when his core self-esteem feels threatened. You do not know how he handles stress in his life. What you DO KNOW right now, is that he has stopped communicating with you. What you DO KNOW right now is that he is ghosting you instead of being present with you and talking through whatever he is feeling. So he is showing you a coping mechanism that he has – he feels okay being the kind of guy who runs and stops communicating when things become uncomfortable. PAY ATTENTION to this!!! It’s a VERY BIG red flag and this kind of coping mechanism is what sabotages the success of a relationship.
Also pay attention to his past relationship. You said he felt “His needs were not being met. He was not encouraged or allowed to pursue the things that made him happy or interested him. He was always villainized. He did not feel a sense of purpose or accomplishment in the relationship.” The fact that he spent 10 years in a relationship where this was going on for him – this also tells you a story about where and how he was limited in the relationship. None of these things are about his ex. 100% of these issues he had with her, have to do with HIM and his limiting beliefs and patterns that sabotage love and his connection with himself – his self-love. These are patterns he will carry forward into any relationship he has in the future. He has a lot of baggage he is carrying. We all have baggage of course, but what we do with it and how we handle it, is what makes the difference and can make or break a relationship. It doesn’t seem like he is the kind of guy who faces his emotional baggage head on and works on forgiving and releasing. You know so little about him, so this is an important area to really keep your eyes open about – with anyone new you are getting to know.
The thing is, you didn’t do anything “wrong.” You BOTH have created the situation where you are at. You both jumped in sooooo fast and you put all your hopes and dreams into this guy, without allowing time and experience to show you how you both function together. I know you have never met anyone like him before, but you are also not 100 years old. You haven’t met everyone there is to meet. My point is, there are other guys out there you haven’t crossed paths with yet. Yes, each person is different and offer different experiences with you. The thing is…they can ALL be powerful, transformative, healing and offer experiences you are looking for. I understand it feels like a “love at first sight” kind of thing. That’s super powerful!!! AND – it’s still important to slow things down and allow the foundation to be built so the house can stand on a solid surface. That’s why both Kanya and I suggest slowing down your thoughts about him. You can’t slow down your feelings, but you can slow down and allow time and experience together to show you who he is.
I also would suggest to stay away and give him some space. He obviously is asking for it in an indirect way by not responding to you. So listen to that, take a step back and let him come to you. You can send a final text saying “I realize I may have caused you to feel bombarded. It’s hard for me to not get any response from you, but you know what? I realized that I’m not giving you the space you probably need right now, so I’m going to just take a step back so you can breathe. I will wait for you to reach out to me when you are ready. I just request that we do talk at some point to either create closure if you feel that is the direction you would like to head in, or talk about how to move forward. You can teach me how I can best support you, because I know how I have handled this, has not been effective for you. Hope to hear from you soon.” If you say something like that, it will help him know where your mindset it and help him feel more comfortable returning to talking to you. Then you take a step back and show him you have integrity in your word. You wait and do not text him ANYTHING and you wait as long as he needs. He needs to know he can trust what you say.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Holy smokes, you really are a sponge! Wow! You definitely are ready for this next phase of your life and your expansion. You are quite spectacular!!!!
I changed my name 2 times! I totally get why you are doing it and it is a VERY important part of your path. Since I settled on my current name (about 4 years ago), I finally feel like me. I finally feel so proud and in alignment with my full name every single time I write it! I’m excited for you!!! What is your full name going to be? (If you don’t want to share on this forum, I understand).
You are SPOT ON with everything you are understanding about yourself and how you have functioned in relationships. You get it! You want to think of relationships in terms of circulation. You are giving and receiving, they are giving and receiving. Sometimes it’s out of balance, but that’s normal and goes through different phases of that circulation. BUT…first and foremost there has to be a circulation with yourself. So you are giving and receiving for yourself – in all areas of your life. So it’s a giving and receiving relationship between you and life. For example, when I go grocery shopping, I always put my cart back into those stalls that are in the parking lot and I usually grab a few other carts on my way. I pick up other people’s dog poop when I’m at the park. I give compliments to strangers. I spend a moment of being in gratitude for all the people that helped bring the food to my table. These are the small, daily ways I offer “giving” to life. AND I also give to myself daily through meditations, through taking walks in beautiful places, through healthy nutrition and exercise, through self discovery and growing. So I give into the world and I give to myself and then I receive all kinds of wonderful things in return! People help me in all different ways all the time. It’s really spectacular! I feel very well taken care of in my life. That’s the circulation!
I don’t know what EL is, but EQ and EIQ are the same thing. Usually emotional intelligence is abbreviated as EQ. And you are growing your emotional intelligence quite a bit right now! well done!!!
I sent an email to see how you can James a message. Tell us more about your new venture! What is your podcast going to be about??? I’m so excited for this new journey you are taking with yourself!!!
Heidi
Okay, I understand better what you meant! I’m looking forward to hearing about your talk with him!
Wow….you guys are really opening back up! We are partially open. Restaurants opened up yesterday for my state (colorado), but there are rules like 50% capacity maximum and only if there is enough space for people to be distanced from each other. I don’t know when movie theatres or gyms are opening, as that hasn’t been decided yet. I gotta tell ya though, it’s disheartening to see sooooo many people outside at parks and trails in larger groups, no masks and not distancing. Yikes! It makes me want to just stay away! Clear guidelines are so important, but I’m thinking many people will not follow them, because they are just stir crazy!
Heidi
Hey there,
I understand you are comfortable being alone. I guess when you make HIS income primary and yours secondary, that says to me that you have a need for him to take care of you on some level financially. Why not make your income primary and his secondary then? Does it really matter? As long as he is bringing in money and he is able to contribute to the life you guys build together in a significant way, does that feel okay for you – even if he were to be making a little less money than you? You said 2 posts ago: “Its important to me that whoever I date is able to provide for me.” and then you said in this last post: “I am not looking for anyone to take care of me.” So you are having some contradictory feelings here. Let’s explore what is happening for you a little more. Are you willing to dive a little deeper in this topic?
As far as the guy you are emailing, I’m a little confused. It sounds like he is responding to you every few days or so and that seems to be the normal pattern for him. Am I misunderstanding? You just sent him an email, so my guess is, he should be responding within the next few days. Do you really like this guy? Tell us more about him.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
We all have weird things about communication. Most people have little knowledge and understanding about communication and it usually sits in the #1 or #2 spot for reasons for divorce. So…there is nothing weird about your thoughts and experience.
I do think there are 4 reasons for you to still talk about it with him – and none of them are meant to avoid it happening again. That is going into the conversation with the intention of needing him to change his behavior so you don’t have to hurt again in the future. Reality is, it most likely will happen again. So instead, you want to have the intention to accept who he is and learn about why he is like that so WHEN it happens again, you will have a deeper understanding about him.
Here are the 4 reasons to talk to him about it:
1. It helps you learn some deeper layers about him and why he reacts the way he does
2. It helps you practice doing something you are uncomfortable with and getting better at it
3. He will learn more about you
4. It’s a wonderful opportunity to deepen the relationship. He will learn that he can trust you to say what you need to say and not hold anything in. He will learn that you can communicate your feelings in a healthy way (no blaming him but just being curious about him) which also builds trust. You will learn how he handles your curiosity about him in that particular area and it can really help YOU learn you are safe with him to share your thoughts and feelings. So this conversation can actually bring you guys closer together and build a lot more trust.Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m glad you guys had a good visit! I bet it felt really good to connect in with him again and FEEL him – meaning being in his presence and connecting in the way you guys used to. It sounds like he is responsive and that things are back on track.
So I am wondering what is happening for you that you are afraid to just say what you want to say and ask what you want to ask. You mentioned previously that you are afraid it will come across the wrong or that you will say it wrong. Where is that coming from? Reality is, communication can absolutely be messy, but it’s okay! So many times I will say, “I want to say something and it may come out totally messy, but please just have patience with me while I fumble through this….” The bottom line truth is, if you say something and it ends up coming across wrong, which you will ALWAYS have moments like that with him, if he is not able to stick with you through that, work through WITH you until you get to the other side, then that is something you need to know about him. He needs to be able to love you, even in your messy communication. He needs to be someone who sticks THROUGH things. So even though you are afraid of messing up communication and what you want to say, do it anyways. Use your voice. Your fear of losing him is preventing you from authentically being yourself. How can he possibly, truly know who you are if you are afraid to ask him questions about his behaviors and how he is feeling? He has NO IDEA how he is affecting you.
I also know you are very good at standing up for yourself and you say a TON of things. I’m also not saying you should have said anything or done anything differently. I’m just highlighting this fear you mentioned above. It’s an important fear to pay attention to. You have a fear around messy communication and that is just going to part of a normal relationship, so it’s a fear worth really getting to know and resolving for yourself.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Good question. Again, like what Kanya suggested, playing it cool right now is a good idea. BUT…create a different intention around it. Instead of making the purpose to let him know it’s not okay to ghost (that is passive-aggressive energy), do it with the intention to allow YOURSELF to take a breathe and really let yourself feel into the experience, feel into how you handled it and feel into his choice and how he handled it. You’ve only been dating 6 months, so you are both learning a lot about each other still. Really take some time to see how you want to handle things differently, how you want to set some boundaries around how you are treated and what you want from him. This WILL happen again. Whatever happened for him that caused him to ghost like that, the same thing will show up again. I don’t mean the same exact situation, I just mean the same energy of stress or rebelliousness or whatever it was that influence him to make the decisions he did. So get very clear about how you want to handle it for yourself, next time. Get clear about what you need from him when this happens again. Get clear about what your decision will be if he or you ends up pushing or ghosting again – despite your best efforts.
That way, when you meet with him next, you can more deeply understand each other, you will be able to clearly communicate your needs and you can make sure you are both on the same page about how to move forward.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi there!
This is a great list! I totally get why you would doubt a guy like this exists. It’s a very normal response. BUT…a response worth looking into, as your doubt let’s you know there is a part of you that does not believe, which shows that you have a limiting belief about men and love and yourself. However, you are SPOT ON – you attract who you are.
So let’s dive into this a little deeper. Let’s just take your current situation. You are having all kinds of thoughts and feelings, doubting yourself, ignoring your intuition, judging him and his choices about how he uses money, worried about burning bridges etc….
Now let’s look at your list: high integrity, courageous, thoughtful, loyal, respectful, effective communicator and trustworthy. I would say that how you are treating yourself and handling this current situation you are in, you are not acting nor behaving in these ways towards yourself. For example, high integrity means having solid value in your own words and that you will stand by how you feel. Instead of standing solid in how you feel and making your words mean something, you have doubts. You are having trouble being courageous and using your voice and stating what your desires are and moving in that direction, because of the fear you have about burning bridges. It is not thoughtful nor respectful towards yourself by ignoring your intuition and giving him your client list anyways. Would you say that you have been an effective communicator with him all along? How many times have you kept quiet about your real feelings (beyond you having romantic feelings for him)? Would you say that through your actions, you are being more loyal to him or yourself? Would you say you are being trustworthy with yourself? Another way to say this – do you trust yourself?So…let’s go back to you trying to decide what to say to him right. If you were this with YOURSELF: high integrity, courageous, thoughtful, loyal, respectful, effective communicator and trustworthy – how would you handle moving forward with him? What would your decision be? Would you be waiting for HIM to reach out or would you simply align with what you need and move forward in that direction? What would you say?
I also wanted to clear up the definition you have about emotional intelligence. It is a much deeper than just being caring. It’s more about being at the level of a psychologist – so to speak. It’s being able to not only sense the emotions in themselves and others, but also be able to identify them, know where they come from and know what to do about it. So as a therapist, they have the expertise to help each person understand where the anger is coming from and how to help heal it. Here is a more clear definition:
“Emotional intelligence (EI), emotional leadership (EL), emotional quotient (EQ) and emotional intelligence quotient (EIQ), is the capability of individuals to recognize their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one’s goal(s).”
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It sounds like you are having some fun connecting with a lot of different guys right now. I’m sure it’s entertaining at the very least and helps with the boredom you feel while being there.
As far as your communication, it’s a much deeper issue than learning how to communicate. It’s more about literally having 2 different voices – 2 different parts of you that feel very differently. 1 part of you is grown up, confident, solid, knows who you are, what you want and clear. The other part is not confident, young, not clear, confused, unsure and uncomfortable with herself. It’s the latter part that ends up influencing how you come across a lot of times. Both parts of you are speaking, but the younger part definitely can muddy the waters of what you are truly meaning to say. So you can “learn” how to communicate, but it doesn’t actually change anything at the core of why this is happening for you. You essentially would just be changing the behavior, but not the cause and that lasts only so long. It’s like putting a bandaid on a laceration that needs cleaning out and stitched up. Does this make sense?
As far as you wanting a man who is financially at a place that he could take care of you, I would invite you to really look deeper into that for yourself. I encourage every single person, man or woman, to ALWAYS be their own source in their lives. So if you keep looking for a man “to take care of you” you are essentially giving away some of your power and making him your source. This creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. And it’s not just about money, it could be about anything. People that are not good at being alone, when they are constantly “needing” a relationship to know who they are, they are using the other person as their source for happiness or self-esteem or identity. If a man has a lot of money and finds a woman who wants to use him as her source of income, he is also using her as his source – his source of self-esteem or identity. That’s not love. That’s 2 people coming together to use each other to complete holes that exist within themselves, because they don’t want to do the work to fill it themselves. They don’t want to do their own healing work, so they use the other person to do it for them. Again, that will only last for so long – it’s the bandaid over the laceration scenario again. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Naomi,
Man, I totally get how you feel. It’s soooooo hard to say goodbye to a guy who makes us feel those wonderful feelings of connection and pleasure.
The truth is, he is VERY clear about what he is willing to offer you. When he warned you not to “fall” for him, I would trust that more than his actions. Guys can be very good at just having fun in the moment and then disconnecting and moving on with their life. It sounds like that is what he is doing. Even though he is connective and fun when he is WITH you, he isn’t following through when he is away from you. THAT TELLS YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. His warning to not fall for him combined with his actions are telling you, he is not available for you and cannot and will not offer you what you want.
I know it feels so good to be with him, but I also imagine it doesn’t feel good to not have him return the feelings. I imagine you are feeling a lot of rejection, as he is not putting much effort into wanting to be with you.
There is no confusion here really. The confusion is that you are wanting something to work that is not going to work. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
You sound like quite the resilient person! You are doing a good job going with the flow and really accepting what is showing up for you at the moment. There is so much you are dealing with and you are still showing up on your life, asking for help, wanting to learn and choosing to take the best possible attitude you can with all that is happening. Well done!!!!
Typically, seeing 2 therapists is not recommended and the therapists I know, would never agree to that, as it can easily muddy the waters so to speak. I’m wondering if 1 is a psychiatrist and that is who you get your medicine from and the other is a psychologist.
As far as handling what to say about where you live when dating, it’s simple. You can say something like, “I am temporarily living at home. This whole coronavirus thing really threw me for a loop, so my best option is to live there, save as much money as possible and then I’ll create a new situation once all of this has been resolved.” It sounds like when you lived on your own, you were the most peaceful. Is that something you feel you could work towards eventually?
Heidi
Hi Angela,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You had to watch your guy and your amazing relationship slip through your fingers and there was nothing you could do about it. I know your heart hurts for him.
There are 2 things that are very important to pay attention to here Angela. First, regardless of how amazing he is, when he gets hurt bad enough, he runs from the problem. He is choosing to let his fear make the decisions in his life for him. He is choosing to let fear ruin his connection with you. He is choosing to let fear consume him. Although this is an average response to fear and a coping mechanism, it is also a choice that will always ruin and sabotage relationships and love. So even if you do get back together, you are choosing a man who, when things get hard enough and scary enough, will run and not face his pain. He would not be someone you could count on when things get tough.
Second, his fear is what is setting the boundary of not wanting more children. And even though that could change, it could also not change. What is important for you is to accept his choice. All you can go by is what is happening for him TODAY. When you stay connected to someone in hopes they will change for you, you are creating a relationship on a foundation that will not last. He needs to be loved and accepted for who he is and that is something you are not able to do. You would be doing a disservice to both yourself and him if you continue to pursue this. Children are deal-breaker for you, so it’s important you honor that and let go of him and move forward in your life. It’s possible that in a few years one of you could change your minds and your paths may cross again. You can deal with that when and if it shows up. But for right now, he is not someone you are able to accept and love fully and completely.
Your path is very clear as to what you need to do to honor who you are and the life you want to create. You are just having a hard time accepting it and I get that. It’s never easy to lose someone you love. Are you willing to choose yourself and your vision of creating a family over him?
Heidi
Good to hear. Lets us know when you send it and then how you feel about it! Releasing someone is hard, so feel free to come here and vent and say whatever is on your mind and heart. We can help you through the next phase of it!
Heidi
Hi Angela,
Like I said previously, acknowledge how he feels and validate it. Compliment him on his integrity and wanting to stay within the limits that are honoring to everyone and then maybe ask him, “What does feel appropriate for you? I don’t want you to feel like we are crossing boundaries, so can you give me a more clear picture as to what feels safe and appropriate for you?”
Again, you want to show him that you honor his path and his choice. This will make him feel more safe to continue talking with you. This will give you an opportunity to show him you are really interested in being a better, more supportive person.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
