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Hi Rhonda,
I definitely feel your resolution in the kind of financial situation you are looking for. I want to invite you to look at something though. You wrote this: “I want a man who will be responsible and be the head of the house so I can finally be a woman and be a lady and not have to fill a man’s shoes.” The first half is clear. It’s the second half of that sentence I would invite you to explore further “so I can finally be a woman and be a lady and not have to fill a man’s shoes.” This is a statement that is saying you cannot be a “lady” and feel the way you want to until a man is able to provide for you – and that it’s the man’s job to do so. This again brings us back to a very challenging thing we all face in different ways – wanting someone else to do something for us that we are not willing to do for ourselves. I know you are willing to provide for yourself and have for years. The part I am referring to is “So I can feel like a lady.” You want to rest and not have to worry about money and you want the man to provide that for you instead of being okay and clear that you can provide that for yourself – so you can “feel like a lady.” Let me be more clear though – what you want is a good thing – how you want to get it, is where I invite you to explore further. You want to know what blocks you from finding and attracting a healthy relationship? This is one of those blocks. You are wanting a man to source you so you don’t have to source yourself anymore. This is relying on the man – another person – to help you enjoy your life more. Why not enjoy your life to highest possible level, even if the man does not have enough money to source you?? As long as he can take care of himself and not rely on you financially, is that not enough?
Again, it’s not about what you want, it’s about the intention. A more clear intention would be, “I want a man to be financially independent and able to source his life to the same level as I source my life. He needs to have enough finances to be able to live the same or higher quality of life that I am creating for myself.” It’s saying the same thing – you are not willing to support a man financially and it’s okay if he doesn’t support you because you are happy and are able to source yourself. If he happens to be able to provide for you financially to allow you to work less, then great! But either way, you are fulfilled in your life – your fulfillment is not dependent on him. Your desire to feel like a lady is not dependent on him.
These are just things to think about. If you want to keep talking about this, great! If not, I totally get that and I won’t bring it up again. I just know you are always interested and curious about yourself, so I am reflecting back to you a place where there may be some beliefs that would block you from a higher functioning relationship.
It’s the same principle when building a friendship. It’s all about intention. What interests you in being friends with him? If you are not interested in romance with him, why not just let him go?
Being friends with a man is quite tricky. First and foremost, the ONLY way to be true friends is to not have any romantic feelings towards them and vice versa. That kind of friendship is what will last. If there are any romantic feelings, there is a very fine line you end up walking. Your actions need to be in alignment with how you would treat a friend. Your expectations with how you are treated and you treat them are in alignment with how you would have a friendship. And then you just be yourself and let everything happen organically. With men and friendship, it’s typical to connect a lot less than with a woman friend though. So to start, it’s important to be very truthful, honest and clear with yourself about why you want a friendship with him and that you DO NOT want anything more. Is that how you feel?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
First, there are no lines that would be crossed if he were to continue staying in contact with you after he leaves. It’s legal. I’m wondering if he has a girlfriend and I’m also wondering if he had a wall up wanting to keep it professional. When I worked in a PT clinic, there definitely rules in place NOT to date any active patients. My guess is, that is a common thing amongst clinics.
So I think it’s a great idea to write him a thank you card and leave your number. If you want to offer a gift, bake him something – like cookies or brownies or something that is easy to nibble on. That way, if he does have a girlfriend right now, it’s a gift that would not be offensive or cause questions from her as it’s not an unusual gift for a PT to receive. In your thank you note, just keep it simple: “I just wanted to thank you so much for helping my body heal. You gave me hope AND made the entire process so much more fun! I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know you over these past 6 months and will miss seeing you each week. I’m going to be a bit forward here and offer you my number. I’d like to continue getting to know you. I have no idea if that is something you are interested in or are even available for, but nonetheless, you are worth the risk. I hope to hear from you. If not, I wish you all the success in the world as you start your new adventure. I have no doubt you will be successful in whatever endeavor you take on. Take care!”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m glad you guys were able to talk it out and it’s good to hear he really made a BIG effort that weekend by hanging with your kids and meeting your ex. That’s a HUGE step! He sure is making the best effort he can.
As far as his mood swings, I would suggest to stay away from that topic with him. The truth is, mood swing affect EVERYONE. It’s supposed to. So it’s an unrealistic expectation to want them not to affect you. Talking to him about it will just be you telling him that he is not enough for you. His mood swings are part of who he is. He will change it when he is ready to really work on it. What you need to comes to terms with, is that his mood swings are as much a part of the package as your kids are. You want him to accept them and get to know them, just as he deserves to be accepted and known for exactly who he is right now – mood swings and all. This is the guy you are choosing, so that means your job is about acceptance and NOT wanting him to change so you can feel more comfortable and peaceful in the relationship.
So talk a little more about how his mood swings are triggering you. What exactly bothers you? How do they affect you? What emotions do his mood swings bring up in you?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
How about giving it 2 weeks instead of 1 week. He is so used to you reaching out pretty frequently, that waiting 2 weeks to reach out, will really feel different for him, and that is what you want. You want him to FEEL like something is different in his life. You want him to feel enough distance from you that he actually starts to feel like he misses you. When you reach out as much as you do, there are a few things happening. He feels like you are not respecting his boundaries. He feels like he doesn’t have to chase you. All he identifies with you now, is rejecting you. He gets a text and doesn’t respond and that is the new pattern he associates with you. He meets with you and feels you wanting to connect more, so he keeps his walls up strong and rejects you. So why not give him a breather? Like Kanya suggested, your approach is not working – and typically doesn’t work for most situations. When one person is chasing another, it actually strengthens the walls in the person being pursued most times. This guy is letting you know, from his consistent response to you (rejection) that being pursued is not working.
I wouldn’t read too much into him not taking pictures down or keeping that one item of yours. It’s a guessing game, but you are putting meaning on it that may not be true at all for him. You need to pay more attention to what he is telling you. He NEEDS some space. If you want him to open up again, your best chance at that is to give him a little breather and have more patience about this process. I guarantee if you wait 2 weeks before you reach out again, it will be okay. Try something new and see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! Your vision is GIANT!!! How spectacular!!! Have you gotten it started yet?? I know you have been working for MJ. Is that what you do for him? Help him with branding and marketing?
As far as your meeting goes, what the most important thing is, is for you to be clear about how you want to move forward, if at all. You need to be soooo clear that regardless of what he wants, you KNOW the path you are going to take. Since you have feelings for him and since you also have a tendency to over-extend yourself for other people at the expense of yourself, this would be the perfect time to do the opposite. He may have a path he wants to take with you and it may go against what you are wanting to build for yourself. I don’t know. All that matters is that you are clear about what your needs are and you are not going to negotiate them away anymore. Your time, your knowledge, your wisdom is all valuable. You need to be paid for that. You also have a vision you need to generate and your vision is more important than his vision and his needs. So…he is the PERFECT person to practice this new, empowered, self-love mindset you have connected to. Thoughts?
How I came into this dating and relationship niche is a lifelong story, so I’m happy to just share a summary. I was born with something inside of me that is so fascinated with love and romance and human behavior. My brain is naturally wired to understand it effortlessly and I have a natural drive and excitement to always learn more about it. That, combined with an incredible amount of trauma growing up, created the perfect combination. When I became old enough to start to recognize my patterns that came out when I dated, I started researching. I didn’t like my patterns and wanted to change them – so I did everything I could to free myself from them. That journey to this day, is still very much alive. I’ve had so many moments where I wanted to give up, where I was so tired I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again, where I didn’t want to keep fighting for my emotional and spiritual healing. The one thing that kept me going was love – it’s strange really. I knew that I wanted to experience a love that was limitless, powerful, healing and transformation. I also knew that if I was going to have that experience with a man, I HAD to be that person who could support and be that kind of experience. So….that’s what made me get back up and keep fighting for myself. So love and relationships and dating are areas I have studied for decades and have deep understanding about human behavior in all of it – because of my own experiences and journey of how I got from where I was, to where I am today. That’s the short story of it 🙂 Thank you for asking that and wanting to know a little about me! It feels good to want to be known!
I LOVE all of your stories about circulation. You totally get it and I am so glad you have now seen it and acknowledged it!!! Now…it’s time for you to get the circulation going for yourself where you are giving and caring for yourself on a whole new level. Pay attention to what happens! You are in for some really great surprises!!!
If you want to send a message to James, you can just send it to [email protected] He does not do podcasts and interviews though. I will reach out and see if it’s okay to give you my email so you can send me your video. I would love to see it. It’s not a normal request, so I’m not sure what the company’s policy is about it.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Naomi,
I’m so sorry you lost your boyfriend. I can understand why you feel like and believe you would never feel that way again, but you have! All that is telling you, is that it’s possible. The heart is soooooo darn resilient. Love and connection is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and each branch you grow represents love in your life. A branch will grow that is full of fruit and life and when there is an ending, the branch just becomes dormant. BUT…you have the ability to grow other branches if you want to. So this guy was a new branch for a period of time and although you want to give it life, he is not willing to go down that path with you, so it’s time to stop sourcing that branch. BUT….the good news is, YOU CAN GROW ANOTHER BRANCH! Each branch, each experience of love and connection, is different. No branch is ever the same and neither is love. I have loved 6 different times in my life and each one was so different and each one sourced me for a period of time. Then I work on releasing and healing each experience and open my mind and heart to the next experience – whenever that shows up. But you have to have the mindset to know it’s possible, so hopefully at the very least, this guy has taught you that you CAN feel connected with another guy. You CAN laugh with another guy. You CAN love again.
How does this all feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
There are a few things that are important to connect to for right now. I agree with Kanya in that it would be a good thing to slow down in your mindset about him. You are putting him on this pedestal and believing he is a once in a lifetime kind of guy and that sure is a lot of pressure! You may be like-minded in a lot of ways, but that DOES NOT mean he has what it takes to have a healthy, nourishing and sustainable relationship. This is what Kanya is talking about by giving it a lot of time. You guys have the connection, but that DOES NOT automatically translate into building a life together that makes you both feel happy, safe, secure and nourished. This kind of stuff takes time and experience with each other. You do not know what he is like when he is deeply hurt. You do not know what he is like when he is angry. You do not know what he is like when his core self-esteem feels threatened. You do not know how he handles stress in his life. What you DO KNOW right now, is that he has stopped communicating with you. What you DO KNOW right now is that he is ghosting you instead of being present with you and talking through whatever he is feeling. So he is showing you a coping mechanism that he has – he feels okay being the kind of guy who runs and stops communicating when things become uncomfortable. PAY ATTENTION to this!!! It’s a VERY BIG red flag and this kind of coping mechanism is what sabotages the success of a relationship.
Also pay attention to his past relationship. You said he felt “His needs were not being met. He was not encouraged or allowed to pursue the things that made him happy or interested him. He was always villainized. He did not feel a sense of purpose or accomplishment in the relationship.” The fact that he spent 10 years in a relationship where this was going on for him – this also tells you a story about where and how he was limited in the relationship. None of these things are about his ex. 100% of these issues he had with her, have to do with HIM and his limiting beliefs and patterns that sabotage love and his connection with himself – his self-love. These are patterns he will carry forward into any relationship he has in the future. He has a lot of baggage he is carrying. We all have baggage of course, but what we do with it and how we handle it, is what makes the difference and can make or break a relationship. It doesn’t seem like he is the kind of guy who faces his emotional baggage head on and works on forgiving and releasing. You know so little about him, so this is an important area to really keep your eyes open about – with anyone new you are getting to know.
The thing is, you didn’t do anything “wrong.” You BOTH have created the situation where you are at. You both jumped in sooooo fast and you put all your hopes and dreams into this guy, without allowing time and experience to show you how you both function together. I know you have never met anyone like him before, but you are also not 100 years old. You haven’t met everyone there is to meet. My point is, there are other guys out there you haven’t crossed paths with yet. Yes, each person is different and offer different experiences with you. The thing is…they can ALL be powerful, transformative, healing and offer experiences you are looking for. I understand it feels like a “love at first sight” kind of thing. That’s super powerful!!! AND – it’s still important to slow things down and allow the foundation to be built so the house can stand on a solid surface. That’s why both Kanya and I suggest slowing down your thoughts about him. You can’t slow down your feelings, but you can slow down and allow time and experience together to show you who he is.
I also would suggest to stay away and give him some space. He obviously is asking for it in an indirect way by not responding to you. So listen to that, take a step back and let him come to you. You can send a final text saying “I realize I may have caused you to feel bombarded. It’s hard for me to not get any response from you, but you know what? I realized that I’m not giving you the space you probably need right now, so I’m going to just take a step back so you can breathe. I will wait for you to reach out to me when you are ready. I just request that we do talk at some point to either create closure if you feel that is the direction you would like to head in, or talk about how to move forward. You can teach me how I can best support you, because I know how I have handled this, has not been effective for you. Hope to hear from you soon.” If you say something like that, it will help him know where your mindset it and help him feel more comfortable returning to talking to you. Then you take a step back and show him you have integrity in your word. You wait and do not text him ANYTHING and you wait as long as he needs. He needs to know he can trust what you say.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Holy smokes, you really are a sponge! Wow! You definitely are ready for this next phase of your life and your expansion. You are quite spectacular!!!!
I changed my name 2 times! I totally get why you are doing it and it is a VERY important part of your path. Since I settled on my current name (about 4 years ago), I finally feel like me. I finally feel so proud and in alignment with my full name every single time I write it! I’m excited for you!!! What is your full name going to be? (If you don’t want to share on this forum, I understand).
You are SPOT ON with everything you are understanding about yourself and how you have functioned in relationships. You get it! You want to think of relationships in terms of circulation. You are giving and receiving, they are giving and receiving. Sometimes it’s out of balance, but that’s normal and goes through different phases of that circulation. BUT…first and foremost there has to be a circulation with yourself. So you are giving and receiving for yourself – in all areas of your life. So it’s a giving and receiving relationship between you and life. For example, when I go grocery shopping, I always put my cart back into those stalls that are in the parking lot and I usually grab a few other carts on my way. I pick up other people’s dog poop when I’m at the park. I give compliments to strangers. I spend a moment of being in gratitude for all the people that helped bring the food to my table. These are the small, daily ways I offer “giving” to life. AND I also give to myself daily through meditations, through taking walks in beautiful places, through healthy nutrition and exercise, through self discovery and growing. So I give into the world and I give to myself and then I receive all kinds of wonderful things in return! People help me in all different ways all the time. It’s really spectacular! I feel very well taken care of in my life. That’s the circulation!
I don’t know what EL is, but EQ and EIQ are the same thing. Usually emotional intelligence is abbreviated as EQ. And you are growing your emotional intelligence quite a bit right now! well done!!!
I sent an email to see how you can James a message. Tell us more about your new venture! What is your podcast going to be about??? I’m so excited for this new journey you are taking with yourself!!!
Heidi
Okay, I understand better what you meant! I’m looking forward to hearing about your talk with him!
Wow….you guys are really opening back up! We are partially open. Restaurants opened up yesterday for my state (colorado), but there are rules like 50% capacity maximum and only if there is enough space for people to be distanced from each other. I don’t know when movie theatres or gyms are opening, as that hasn’t been decided yet. I gotta tell ya though, it’s disheartening to see sooooo many people outside at parks and trails in larger groups, no masks and not distancing. Yikes! It makes me want to just stay away! Clear guidelines are so important, but I’m thinking many people will not follow them, because they are just stir crazy!
Heidi
Hey there,
I understand you are comfortable being alone. I guess when you make HIS income primary and yours secondary, that says to me that you have a need for him to take care of you on some level financially. Why not make your income primary and his secondary then? Does it really matter? As long as he is bringing in money and he is able to contribute to the life you guys build together in a significant way, does that feel okay for you – even if he were to be making a little less money than you? You said 2 posts ago: “Its important to me that whoever I date is able to provide for me.” and then you said in this last post: “I am not looking for anyone to take care of me.” So you are having some contradictory feelings here. Let’s explore what is happening for you a little more. Are you willing to dive a little deeper in this topic?
As far as the guy you are emailing, I’m a little confused. It sounds like he is responding to you every few days or so and that seems to be the normal pattern for him. Am I misunderstanding? You just sent him an email, so my guess is, he should be responding within the next few days. Do you really like this guy? Tell us more about him.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
We all have weird things about communication. Most people have little knowledge and understanding about communication and it usually sits in the #1 or #2 spot for reasons for divorce. So…there is nothing weird about your thoughts and experience.
I do think there are 4 reasons for you to still talk about it with him – and none of them are meant to avoid it happening again. That is going into the conversation with the intention of needing him to change his behavior so you don’t have to hurt again in the future. Reality is, it most likely will happen again. So instead, you want to have the intention to accept who he is and learn about why he is like that so WHEN it happens again, you will have a deeper understanding about him.
Here are the 4 reasons to talk to him about it:
1. It helps you learn some deeper layers about him and why he reacts the way he does
2. It helps you practice doing something you are uncomfortable with and getting better at it
3. He will learn more about you
4. It’s a wonderful opportunity to deepen the relationship. He will learn that he can trust you to say what you need to say and not hold anything in. He will learn that you can communicate your feelings in a healthy way (no blaming him but just being curious about him) which also builds trust. You will learn how he handles your curiosity about him in that particular area and it can really help YOU learn you are safe with him to share your thoughts and feelings. So this conversation can actually bring you guys closer together and build a lot more trust.Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m glad you guys had a good visit! I bet it felt really good to connect in with him again and FEEL him – meaning being in his presence and connecting in the way you guys used to. It sounds like he is responsive and that things are back on track.
So I am wondering what is happening for you that you are afraid to just say what you want to say and ask what you want to ask. You mentioned previously that you are afraid it will come across the wrong or that you will say it wrong. Where is that coming from? Reality is, communication can absolutely be messy, but it’s okay! So many times I will say, “I want to say something and it may come out totally messy, but please just have patience with me while I fumble through this….” The bottom line truth is, if you say something and it ends up coming across wrong, which you will ALWAYS have moments like that with him, if he is not able to stick with you through that, work through WITH you until you get to the other side, then that is something you need to know about him. He needs to be able to love you, even in your messy communication. He needs to be someone who sticks THROUGH things. So even though you are afraid of messing up communication and what you want to say, do it anyways. Use your voice. Your fear of losing him is preventing you from authentically being yourself. How can he possibly, truly know who you are if you are afraid to ask him questions about his behaviors and how he is feeling? He has NO IDEA how he is affecting you.
I also know you are very good at standing up for yourself and you say a TON of things. I’m also not saying you should have said anything or done anything differently. I’m just highlighting this fear you mentioned above. It’s an important fear to pay attention to. You have a fear around messy communication and that is just going to part of a normal relationship, so it’s a fear worth really getting to know and resolving for yourself.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Good question. Again, like what Kanya suggested, playing it cool right now is a good idea. BUT…create a different intention around it. Instead of making the purpose to let him know it’s not okay to ghost (that is passive-aggressive energy), do it with the intention to allow YOURSELF to take a breathe and really let yourself feel into the experience, feel into how you handled it and feel into his choice and how he handled it. You’ve only been dating 6 months, so you are both learning a lot about each other still. Really take some time to see how you want to handle things differently, how you want to set some boundaries around how you are treated and what you want from him. This WILL happen again. Whatever happened for him that caused him to ghost like that, the same thing will show up again. I don’t mean the same exact situation, I just mean the same energy of stress or rebelliousness or whatever it was that influence him to make the decisions he did. So get very clear about how you want to handle it for yourself, next time. Get clear about what you need from him when this happens again. Get clear about what your decision will be if he or you ends up pushing or ghosting again – despite your best efforts.
That way, when you meet with him next, you can more deeply understand each other, you will be able to clearly communicate your needs and you can make sure you are both on the same page about how to move forward.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi there!
This is a great list! I totally get why you would doubt a guy like this exists. It’s a very normal response. BUT…a response worth looking into, as your doubt let’s you know there is a part of you that does not believe, which shows that you have a limiting belief about men and love and yourself. However, you are SPOT ON – you attract who you are.
So let’s dive into this a little deeper. Let’s just take your current situation. You are having all kinds of thoughts and feelings, doubting yourself, ignoring your intuition, judging him and his choices about how he uses money, worried about burning bridges etc….
Now let’s look at your list: high integrity, courageous, thoughtful, loyal, respectful, effective communicator and trustworthy. I would say that how you are treating yourself and handling this current situation you are in, you are not acting nor behaving in these ways towards yourself. For example, high integrity means having solid value in your own words and that you will stand by how you feel. Instead of standing solid in how you feel and making your words mean something, you have doubts. You are having trouble being courageous and using your voice and stating what your desires are and moving in that direction, because of the fear you have about burning bridges. It is not thoughtful nor respectful towards yourself by ignoring your intuition and giving him your client list anyways. Would you say that you have been an effective communicator with him all along? How many times have you kept quiet about your real feelings (beyond you having romantic feelings for him)? Would you say that through your actions, you are being more loyal to him or yourself? Would you say you are being trustworthy with yourself? Another way to say this – do you trust yourself?So…let’s go back to you trying to decide what to say to him right. If you were this with YOURSELF: high integrity, courageous, thoughtful, loyal, respectful, effective communicator and trustworthy – how would you handle moving forward with him? What would your decision be? Would you be waiting for HIM to reach out or would you simply align with what you need and move forward in that direction? What would you say?
I also wanted to clear up the definition you have about emotional intelligence. It is a much deeper than just being caring. It’s more about being at the level of a psychologist – so to speak. It’s being able to not only sense the emotions in themselves and others, but also be able to identify them, know where they come from and know what to do about it. So as a therapist, they have the expertise to help each person understand where the anger is coming from and how to help heal it. Here is a more clear definition:
“Emotional intelligence (EI), emotional leadership (EL), emotional quotient (EQ) and emotional intelligence quotient (EIQ), is the capability of individuals to recognize their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one’s goal(s).”
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It sounds like you are having some fun connecting with a lot of different guys right now. I’m sure it’s entertaining at the very least and helps with the boredom you feel while being there.
As far as your communication, it’s a much deeper issue than learning how to communicate. It’s more about literally having 2 different voices – 2 different parts of you that feel very differently. 1 part of you is grown up, confident, solid, knows who you are, what you want and clear. The other part is not confident, young, not clear, confused, unsure and uncomfortable with herself. It’s the latter part that ends up influencing how you come across a lot of times. Both parts of you are speaking, but the younger part definitely can muddy the waters of what you are truly meaning to say. So you can “learn” how to communicate, but it doesn’t actually change anything at the core of why this is happening for you. You essentially would just be changing the behavior, but not the cause and that lasts only so long. It’s like putting a bandaid on a laceration that needs cleaning out and stitched up. Does this make sense?
As far as you wanting a man who is financially at a place that he could take care of you, I would invite you to really look deeper into that for yourself. I encourage every single person, man or woman, to ALWAYS be their own source in their lives. So if you keep looking for a man “to take care of you” you are essentially giving away some of your power and making him your source. This creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. And it’s not just about money, it could be about anything. People that are not good at being alone, when they are constantly “needing” a relationship to know who they are, they are using the other person as their source for happiness or self-esteem or identity. If a man has a lot of money and finds a woman who wants to use him as her source of income, he is also using her as his source – his source of self-esteem or identity. That’s not love. That’s 2 people coming together to use each other to complete holes that exist within themselves, because they don’t want to do the work to fill it themselves. They don’t want to do their own healing work, so they use the other person to do it for them. Again, that will only last for so long – it’s the bandaid over the laceration scenario again. Does this make sense?
Heidi
