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Hi Angela,
Do you know why he blocked you? If he felt the need to do that, he must have felt like you were crossing boundaries somehow. Was there anything you were doing that would make him feel he needed to put up those stronger boundaries?
I would suggest to give him space. He is communicating to you, letting you know he is not interested in talking or connecting with you. If you keep ignoring him, then all you will be telling him is that you do not respect, nor care about how he feels and what his needs are. You are telling him that your needs are more important than his and that you are going to push your agenda on him, no matter what he says. Is that the message you want to send to him? This is not the approach to get him back. In order to have any chance at getting him back, you need to honor his choice and give him the space he is asking for. This builds trust and lets him know he set a boundary and that you will listen and honor that. Isn’t that what you want him to know? DOn’t you want him to feel safe with you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry for what you are having to go through. There is so little clarity or understanding of what is happening. There is so much stress and so many people are responding in ways that are very hard to deal with. I understand your fear of losing him.
For this month long break, I would suggest for you to really take this time and reflect and get to know yourself. He is showing you who he is. He is not the kind of guy that likes talking on the phone and reaching out. It doesn’t sound like he is the kind of guy who shows much attention (in a way that is meaningful for you) and is interested in learning about how to be a better partner. It sounds like he would rather just go into his cave and deal with his life than to work through the challenges WITH you. My first question is, has he always been like this? Have you always struggled with feeling like he doesn’t give you enough attention? Is it his pattern to keep his thoughts and feelings inside?
Truth is, he gets to be however he wants to be. You nagging him will only send the message that he is “not enough.” That is typically what men will hear whenever their woman is nagging them about something they are not doing. A different approach is helpful. When you are not getting your needs met, instead of approaching him telling him what he needs to change so you can feel happy, you approach with questions and curiosity. You approach with the mindset of wanting to understand what is happening for HIM instead of making the entire conversation about your needs and what he isn’t doing to meet them. My guess is, pouring your heart out, on top of all the other stress he is carrying, sent him over the edge – which, by the way – is not your fault. You are doing the very best you know how and so is he.
So during this month, it would be good for you to reflect about how you can treat yourself better, how you can be a better partner and even really looking at whether or not he truly is a good match for you. Your job is to get your needs met, period. If it goes against how he likes to be and live his life, then you might consider that he is not a good match for you. Or maybe you can shift your perspective and find that you CAN accept him for who he really is.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cecilia,
I want to support what Kanya said. This guy has no clue what he wants. What he DOES know is that he doesn’t want to give up the comfort and connection with a woman and he wants to have sex. What he DOES know is that he does not want a relationship. A guy like this is going to be a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. You said to take it bit by bit. Does that mean a few days later to sleep overnight and kiss and cuddle??? That’s what couples do.
So if you want to be with him, be clear about that. If you want to take things bit by bit, then be clear about that. It sounds like you are just as confused as he is and neither of you has clear, established boundaries about the design of how you guys are going to move forward. And that’s okay! Just know you are in for a rollercoaster ride.
So let’s talk about this more. What do you want from him? How would you like the relationship to go with him? How would you like it to develop? You said you don’t want a relationship right now…how come? What does taking it bit by bit exactly mean?
The more clear you are, the more you are able to support yourself and care about how you are treated. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and make sure your needs are met, he will either align with that, or he will fall away. If he falls away, then he is someone who cannot support the very best for you. But if he aligns…then great!!! First and foremost, you have to treat yourself that way before requiring it from him. Make sense??
Heidi
Hi Cecilia,
I want to support what Kanya said. This guy has no clue what he wants. What he DOES know is that he doesn’t want to give up the comfort and connection with a woman and he wants to have sex. What he DOES know is that he does not want a relationship. A guy like this is going to be a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. You said to take it bit by bit. Does that mean a few days later to sleep overnight and kiss and cuddle??? That’s what couples do.
So if you want to be with him, be clear about that. If you want to take things bit by bit, then be clear about that. It sounds like you are just as confused as he is and neither of you has clear, established boundaries about the design of how you guys are going to move forward. And that’s okay! Just know you are in for a rollercoaster ride.
So let’s talk about this more. What do you want from him? How would you like the relationship to go with him? How would you like it to develop? You said you don’t want a relationship right now…how come? What does taking it bit by bit exactly mean?
The more clear you are, the more you are able to support yourself and care about how you are treated. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and make sure your needs are met, he will either align with that, or he will fall away. If he falls away, then he is someone who cannot support the very best for you. But if he aligns…then great!!! First and foremost, you have to treat yourself that way before requiring it from him. Make sense??
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome. I’m sorry for whatever you are going through. I understand your need for privacy. We typically do not respond through email. I’ve never seen a request like this before, so what I will do is email my boss and find out what his thoughts are on this. I’ll get back to you as soon as I hear back.
It’s very safe here though. We are not judgmental and to be honest, I believe most of the other ladies on here just read and comment on their own posts and do not spend much time reading other people’s posts. I’d say 98% of the time, Kanya and I are the only ones responding to each post. Maybe that will help you feel safer to share with us here.
Heidi
You are asking some really great questions!
There is a core answer and that is to just be yourself. The thing is, I could offer all kinds of advice about what you are asking, but in the end, these are areas you just need to experience. You just need to go through these situations and FEEL yourself in them. It’s the experience of yourself through each situation that is the most powerful teacher.
Being authentic and staying connected to yourself, no matter how things turn out, IS the goal. That’s how you become a powerful leader and influencer. The most important skill in life, in my opinion, is all about resilience. No matter what happens, you learn from the situation, you self-love yourself through the challenges and then you get back up on your feet – with wisdom. You will ALWAYS be scared. That part does not go away, but what DOES increase is your trust in yourself. That is what resilience is. It’s BELIEVING that “no matter what happens in this situation, I trust in myself. I know that I have the support, the skillset, the wisdom and the know how to handle whatever shows up, learn, heal and release anything negative that may happen. I know I can get back up.” When you have this kind of trust and belief in yourself, you can walk into situations WITH your fear of failure and be much more peaceful and at ease. Make sense? So in summary, trust yourself. No matter what you do, how you respond, you will learn what works best for you.
I do want to say one thing about being authentic. I am more of a cautious person when it comes to being my most authentic self. We all have thoughts and feelings and opinions and quirks about ourselves. There are people you can share that with and those that would not receive it well. So being authentic is important, but it’s also to respect and honor yourself and the other person to share yourself in ways that you both can handle and to truly pay attention to the reasons you share what you share. For example, I had a client yesterday (I’m a personal trainer as my day job) who shared all kinds of feelings about the riots and what was happening to black people. She was being her authentic self and sharing her real feelings. I create a safe space for her to be that. However, I was not my authentic self because I have learned from the past, that she is not someone who is able to understand, nor embrace the more expansive views I hold about why life happens the way it does. I’ve done so much deep work that my view on life is unusual. Some listen, some embrace it and want to learn more, many reject it. She is the rejecting type. So it doesn’t serve either of us for me to feel rejected or for her to reject my authenticity. So I just spent my time validating her and asking her specific questions to take her a little deeper into her process. I wanted to say soooo much more, believe me. I wanted to challenge her thinking. But again, she is not interested in that kind of exchange – at least not from me. I need to protect our relationship and that is how I am being authentic. Some people may disagree with this, but the bottom line philosophy I live by is self-love. Is it loving to myself to share these thoughts and feelings with this person? Is it loving and caring towards them? The answers are a good guide.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
While you are waiting for another week, it would be a good time to really connect with yourself and all the feelings that are coming up for you. What kinds of thoughts are you having right now? What are the dominant feelings that you are noticing? Are you waiting by your phone all of the time, spending your energy on hoping he will text?
By the way, if he does end up texting, DO NOT respond right away. Wait to respond until the end of the day or until the next day. It’s important to make him wait.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Thank you for sharing more detail! It’s really helpful!
The key is to work on the story you automatically having running in the background about his mood swings. The story comes from your childhood. So that means it’s important to connect to those anxious feelings instead of trying to make them go away by telling yourself what a good person he is. When the feelings show up, it’s the perfect time to journal! Let that part of you speak. Let that part of you express everything she wants to feel and say. She has been silenced for so darn long, so why not give her the space to open up and feel everything she needs to feel. She needs to be acknowledged, validated, comforted and embraced. In the moment, when the anxiety comes up, talk to her. You say things like “Hi there. I see you are feeling fearful and that’s okay. I’m here for you. You are safe. No one if hurting you and no one is leaving. We are okay. It’s safe to feel.” Then imagine in my mind that you are holding her, like you would your child when they need comfort and safety from you.
This would be the place to start. The stories you carry about his mood swings are layered with a lot of wounds from your past, so it’s going to take some time, but if you keep at it, you will start to shift. The end result is when you feel his energy shift and he starts to disconnect, you just let him and go about your day. There’s no need to walk on eggshells. You just be you, he gets to be himself and when he shifts out of it again, you guys will re-connect. No need to try and figure out anything about how to help him, as that is his own job. That’s the ideal scenario.
Heidi
Hey there!
Were you guys able to hang out and spend the night together?
I haven’t gone out to restaurants yet, but I know a handful of people who have. Some restaurants are doing an incredible job and really spacing the tables far apart and other restaurants are not really honoring the rules. It feels like a lot of people are starting to let their guard down. I’m seeing more and more larger gatherings with people not wearing masks. Such a bummer!!! Hopefully this summer is hot enough to help kill the virus and we won’t have a huge second wave when things cool off again. We are in for a looooong road with this thing.
Heidi
Yes! I love that you are getting more clear about your intention instead of just going with the flow and falling into old patterns. Going with the flow is great, as long as it supports your vision and the way you want to experience and nourish your life! MJ has been a great teacher for you in so many ways. I love that you see that! I love that you can see your patterns and be willing to work on them! I love that you have the strength to see these are just areas of improvement and it’s all good – no judgment – it’s just life and it will always be like this. Every single person that crosses our path is a teacher – reflecting back to us how we feel and treat ourselves. You are exponentially expanding and this is so great!!! Good job! If you want to write out here what your intentions are for the meeting, we are happy to offer feedback, ask questions etc.
As far as me, I grew up with a specific kind of abuse that involved all forms – sexual, physical, mental, programming etc. Every single day for years and years – BUT – just like you, I adopted the mindset that all those people who participated were my teachers and I could either let it ruin the rest of my life (which sometimes I did because I was so tired) or could claim my divine right to a kickass life that was powerful, full happiness and fulfillment and use what I have learned on my journey and share it with others. I am beyond grateful that I am where I am at in my life. I still and always will have a long ways to go AND I am happy – truly. Whew!! It was touch and go there for awhile, but I have made it through the worst and got to the other side. Wooohooo! lol.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I definitely feel your resolution in the kind of financial situation you are looking for. I want to invite you to look at something though. You wrote this: “I want a man who will be responsible and be the head of the house so I can finally be a woman and be a lady and not have to fill a man’s shoes.” The first half is clear. It’s the second half of that sentence I would invite you to explore further “so I can finally be a woman and be a lady and not have to fill a man’s shoes.” This is a statement that is saying you cannot be a “lady” and feel the way you want to until a man is able to provide for you – and that it’s the man’s job to do so. This again brings us back to a very challenging thing we all face in different ways – wanting someone else to do something for us that we are not willing to do for ourselves. I know you are willing to provide for yourself and have for years. The part I am referring to is “So I can feel like a lady.” You want to rest and not have to worry about money and you want the man to provide that for you instead of being okay and clear that you can provide that for yourself – so you can “feel like a lady.” Let me be more clear though – what you want is a good thing – how you want to get it, is where I invite you to explore further. You want to know what blocks you from finding and attracting a healthy relationship? This is one of those blocks. You are wanting a man to source you so you don’t have to source yourself anymore. This is relying on the man – another person – to help you enjoy your life more. Why not enjoy your life to highest possible level, even if the man does not have enough money to source you?? As long as he can take care of himself and not rely on you financially, is that not enough?
Again, it’s not about what you want, it’s about the intention. A more clear intention would be, “I want a man to be financially independent and able to source his life to the same level as I source my life. He needs to have enough finances to be able to live the same or higher quality of life that I am creating for myself.” It’s saying the same thing – you are not willing to support a man financially and it’s okay if he doesn’t support you because you are happy and are able to source yourself. If he happens to be able to provide for you financially to allow you to work less, then great! But either way, you are fulfilled in your life – your fulfillment is not dependent on him. Your desire to feel like a lady is not dependent on him.
These are just things to think about. If you want to keep talking about this, great! If not, I totally get that and I won’t bring it up again. I just know you are always interested and curious about yourself, so I am reflecting back to you a place where there may be some beliefs that would block you from a higher functioning relationship.
It’s the same principle when building a friendship. It’s all about intention. What interests you in being friends with him? If you are not interested in romance with him, why not just let him go?
Being friends with a man is quite tricky. First and foremost, the ONLY way to be true friends is to not have any romantic feelings towards them and vice versa. That kind of friendship is what will last. If there are any romantic feelings, there is a very fine line you end up walking. Your actions need to be in alignment with how you would treat a friend. Your expectations with how you are treated and you treat them are in alignment with how you would have a friendship. And then you just be yourself and let everything happen organically. With men and friendship, it’s typical to connect a lot less than with a woman friend though. So to start, it’s important to be very truthful, honest and clear with yourself about why you want a friendship with him and that you DO NOT want anything more. Is that how you feel?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
First, there are no lines that would be crossed if he were to continue staying in contact with you after he leaves. It’s legal. I’m wondering if he has a girlfriend and I’m also wondering if he had a wall up wanting to keep it professional. When I worked in a PT clinic, there definitely rules in place NOT to date any active patients. My guess is, that is a common thing amongst clinics.
So I think it’s a great idea to write him a thank you card and leave your number. If you want to offer a gift, bake him something – like cookies or brownies or something that is easy to nibble on. That way, if he does have a girlfriend right now, it’s a gift that would not be offensive or cause questions from her as it’s not an unusual gift for a PT to receive. In your thank you note, just keep it simple: “I just wanted to thank you so much for helping my body heal. You gave me hope AND made the entire process so much more fun! I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know you over these past 6 months and will miss seeing you each week. I’m going to be a bit forward here and offer you my number. I’d like to continue getting to know you. I have no idea if that is something you are interested in or are even available for, but nonetheless, you are worth the risk. I hope to hear from you. If not, I wish you all the success in the world as you start your new adventure. I have no doubt you will be successful in whatever endeavor you take on. Take care!”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m glad you guys were able to talk it out and it’s good to hear he really made a BIG effort that weekend by hanging with your kids and meeting your ex. That’s a HUGE step! He sure is making the best effort he can.
As far as his mood swings, I would suggest to stay away from that topic with him. The truth is, mood swing affect EVERYONE. It’s supposed to. So it’s an unrealistic expectation to want them not to affect you. Talking to him about it will just be you telling him that he is not enough for you. His mood swings are part of who he is. He will change it when he is ready to really work on it. What you need to comes to terms with, is that his mood swings are as much a part of the package as your kids are. You want him to accept them and get to know them, just as he deserves to be accepted and known for exactly who he is right now – mood swings and all. This is the guy you are choosing, so that means your job is about acceptance and NOT wanting him to change so you can feel more comfortable and peaceful in the relationship.
So talk a little more about how his mood swings are triggering you. What exactly bothers you? How do they affect you? What emotions do his mood swings bring up in you?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
How about giving it 2 weeks instead of 1 week. He is so used to you reaching out pretty frequently, that waiting 2 weeks to reach out, will really feel different for him, and that is what you want. You want him to FEEL like something is different in his life. You want him to feel enough distance from you that he actually starts to feel like he misses you. When you reach out as much as you do, there are a few things happening. He feels like you are not respecting his boundaries. He feels like he doesn’t have to chase you. All he identifies with you now, is rejecting you. He gets a text and doesn’t respond and that is the new pattern he associates with you. He meets with you and feels you wanting to connect more, so he keeps his walls up strong and rejects you. So why not give him a breather? Like Kanya suggested, your approach is not working – and typically doesn’t work for most situations. When one person is chasing another, it actually strengthens the walls in the person being pursued most times. This guy is letting you know, from his consistent response to you (rejection) that being pursued is not working.
I wouldn’t read too much into him not taking pictures down or keeping that one item of yours. It’s a guessing game, but you are putting meaning on it that may not be true at all for him. You need to pay more attention to what he is telling you. He NEEDS some space. If you want him to open up again, your best chance at that is to give him a little breather and have more patience about this process. I guarantee if you wait 2 weeks before you reach out again, it will be okay. Try something new and see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! Your vision is GIANT!!! How spectacular!!! Have you gotten it started yet?? I know you have been working for MJ. Is that what you do for him? Help him with branding and marketing?
As far as your meeting goes, what the most important thing is, is for you to be clear about how you want to move forward, if at all. You need to be soooo clear that regardless of what he wants, you KNOW the path you are going to take. Since you have feelings for him and since you also have a tendency to over-extend yourself for other people at the expense of yourself, this would be the perfect time to do the opposite. He may have a path he wants to take with you and it may go against what you are wanting to build for yourself. I don’t know. All that matters is that you are clear about what your needs are and you are not going to negotiate them away anymore. Your time, your knowledge, your wisdom is all valuable. You need to be paid for that. You also have a vision you need to generate and your vision is more important than his vision and his needs. So…he is the PERFECT person to practice this new, empowered, self-love mindset you have connected to. Thoughts?
How I came into this dating and relationship niche is a lifelong story, so I’m happy to just share a summary. I was born with something inside of me that is so fascinated with love and romance and human behavior. My brain is naturally wired to understand it effortlessly and I have a natural drive and excitement to always learn more about it. That, combined with an incredible amount of trauma growing up, created the perfect combination. When I became old enough to start to recognize my patterns that came out when I dated, I started researching. I didn’t like my patterns and wanted to change them – so I did everything I could to free myself from them. That journey to this day, is still very much alive. I’ve had so many moments where I wanted to give up, where I was so tired I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again, where I didn’t want to keep fighting for my emotional and spiritual healing. The one thing that kept me going was love – it’s strange really. I knew that I wanted to experience a love that was limitless, powerful, healing and transformation. I also knew that if I was going to have that experience with a man, I HAD to be that person who could support and be that kind of experience. So….that’s what made me get back up and keep fighting for myself. So love and relationships and dating are areas I have studied for decades and have deep understanding about human behavior in all of it – because of my own experiences and journey of how I got from where I was, to where I am today. That’s the short story of it 🙂 Thank you for asking that and wanting to know a little about me! It feels good to want to be known!
I LOVE all of your stories about circulation. You totally get it and I am so glad you have now seen it and acknowledged it!!! Now…it’s time for you to get the circulation going for yourself where you are giving and caring for yourself on a whole new level. Pay attention to what happens! You are in for some really great surprises!!!
If you want to send a message to James, you can just send it to [email protected] He does not do podcasts and interviews though. I will reach out and see if it’s okay to give you my email so you can send me your video. I would love to see it. It’s not a normal request, so I’m not sure what the company’s policy is about it.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
