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I mostly just miss his company. I miss the way he wanted to be by my side, and the way he checked in on me and told me what he was up to and asked how I was doing all the time. I’m not sure I’d ever had that kind of attention or companionship before, which made it hard to resist, because he was just so available and attentive, and interested.
I don’t think it’s even that anymore. Now it just feels like it was all lies and I was just naive and vulnerable enough to fall for them. I almost wonder if that’s why he aimed for me in the first place.
I read a quote by CS Lewis today that said,”Education without values, useful as it is, seems to make a man a more clever devil.” And I thought it was perfect.
I was attracted to his experience and his past. I was attracted to the books he’d said he read and the progress he said he’d made.
But now I just feel like he did and shared all of that so he can believe the story that he tells himself (and others) that he is the hero, and that he has fully recovered from his life of pain, and is now an absolutely well adjusted adult.
He sold it so well. The authors he’d read. The values he shared. All of it.
But as time went on they all seemed to crumble at his feet, one value at a time. With nothing left but a shell of the man he’d presented me, and not a care in the world that it had become meaningless, and most of all – false.
I had to volunteer at church this morning. It was excruciating. His sister was there.. his cousin (one of the pastors) was there. I cried on and off all through church. I tried so hard not to.
I know this will get easier. I think this weekend was the hardest because he didn’t want to meet, and because it’s the first weekend I’ve not had my daughters since the breakup. So maybe I was holding it all in until now.
And we always went to church together. He was always right next to me all morning. Handing me his coffee, and holding my hand through the whole service while our daughters played together while the preacher spoke.
It felt so scary this morning. But at least I got through it and I know the next time will be easier.
I was definitely married to a narcissist for 10 years. Always minimizing my feelings. Always filling up the whole room with his feelings and leaving no space for mine. I think what hurts the most is after all the months of us having difficult conversations and working through them – that when it mattered, what it got hard, and it really really mattered, he let me down. And then he blamed me for the disconnect. But I never changed. I stayed committed. I stayed engaged. I continued to try to make space for his feelings and show him that I support him despite the distance – and it didn’t matter.
That hurts. A lot. Especially after thinking I was trusting someone who deserved and earned my trust.
It makes me question myself. It makes me feel afraid to trust someone again. It makes me lose faith in men. It makes me feel like this is how it’s going to be. It makes me feel scared that being a single mom with two kids is going to make this harder than I ever imagined. It makes me feel like he left because of the kids. I know most of these things are probably unfounded, but it’s what I’m feeling, and I’m trying to work through it.
So I started reading the man’s guide to women, and I’m almost halfway through it (I’m a fast reader).
And already I’ve noticed things that went wrong here: when I was emotionally upset and seeking validation and listening – he would immediately try to fix it and defend himself, instead of just hearing me (when conflict began to arise in the relationship). This made me feel unsafe, and as it happened repeatedly, I couldn’t get that sense of safety back, and I couldn’t figure out why. I even remember telling him once a few weeks ago when he wanted to talk about us on the phone that I didn’t feel safe enough to do so. Because I needed to see his body language to know that it was safe to share how I was feeling.
The last “talk” we had right before the breakup, felt like a breakup, for this very reason. I’d told him that night afterward that I need a day to process it because I was having some feelings about it that I needed to work through. The next time I spoke to him, we broke up.
In the conversation, though, he kept listing demands and issues within the relationship. I quietly listened to most of it, but I realize now that I felt threatened and discarded because it was an open dialogue. It felt like a monologue he’d been preparing and desired no input, and didn’t even really need me to be present to hear it.
Help me digest this?
Never did text him back. I typed it out and then never sent it. My guess is he’ll come up with some excuse not to meet anyway, so it won’t matter either way. If the last two weeks have served as a reference of who he is and how he’s going to behave from now on.
Can you recommend those books again?
I’ve been reaching out to friends and they’ve been reaching to me, and that’s been helping. I just have to work through it and come out the other side. I know it’s going to take time, I’m just struggling.
As far as the ex goes – I don’t know. I’m going to try my damndest to reach the point that I know and realize that what is meant to be will be, and stop focusing on what I “wish” would happen, because life doesn’t work that way, no matter how badly we want it to.
I’m hurting. It just hurts. I’m embarrassed that it hurts so much, honestly.
I found it on the website you recommended because I thought you wanted me to read that one. Oops. Well it’s a good book lol
I need to read the other one you recommended also.
I don’t know what to do. I hear you and what you’re saying I’m just struggling to let go, because the way we loved each other was nothing like anything I’ve experienced before. The way he embraced me, my family, my kids… even his daughter was a blessing for my children. I keep thinking he’s going to run across the parking lot and tell me he’s been a fool and that he wants to do whatever it takes to make it better.. because the man I fell in love with would have done that, easily. I’m struggling to give up on him even though he’s given up on me, and on us.
I’m always putting too much faith in people. It’s a blessing and a curse.
I’m afraid to send it. I’m struggling so hard to let go. He and his family literally look at every single story I’ve shared on Instagram and Facebook since the breakup. I feel like he was having a breakdown, and that breakdown caused us to collapse. I know what he did and how he did it was wrong, but I don’t want to give up on him.
How’s this?
Eh. From your response, it’s clear that that’s not important to you, and I’d rather not see someone who holds no value in my presence. Just drop them in the mail or by my door and call it a day.
??
I thought about saying,”I guess we’ll just see if I’m available when you’re available.”
Or something like that
I sent him a text:
I know we’re not talking, and while I think that’s best, I would really appreciate my earrings from you, because they’re important to me, and you also have my spare key. Do you think we could meet for me to get them from you sometime this weekend?
I also thought it might serve both of us to say goodbye. Wouldn’t it be nice to walk away peacefully with smiles on our faces?
This was his response:
I’ll have to see when and where I’m paddling this weekend. But, yes, I’ll get those things back to you
I didn’t respond. There is still a glimmer of hope in me. I don’t know what to say because it’s so ambiguous. Help.
And no you’re not overwhelming me. I appreciate the suggestions. I’m already halfway through one of the books you suggested.
The more I think about it, the more it hurts. The ways I pushed him away by being afraid when he wanted to do something else after wanting every second of my time. The ways I got triggered and deeply sad when we would argue. The ways I felt deeply disappointed so easily.
And when I think about how much he expressed his love for me and everything that I am.
It just hurts.
I do have family and friends supporting me, and it is helping.
It comes in waves. One minute I’ll think I’m okay, and others I get overwhelmed with grief again. I’m trying to ride the waves and just get through it. I know it won’t be easy.
I miss him.
I also need my spare key back and can’t even get him to respond to a message about it. It was light, and kind. I said I knew we shouldn’t be talking, and it was probably a good idea, but that I would like my earrings back, and my spare key.
I asked him if we could meet to exchange things and say goodbye. I told him I thought it might be nice to walk away with smiles on our faces.
I doubt he will answer. Perhaps he’ll send them in the mail.
I don’t know how to deal with this level of coldness. It’s very hard for me. I would never leave someone this way. It’s hard for me to understand.
I KNEW he was going too fast, I KNEW it wasn’t necessarily a good thing, but yknow you hear all these stories of people who meet and get married a few months later, and how do you know the difference? Because he wanted to be with me every second and text me all day every day?
I want to make sure I never let this happen to me again. I don’t like the way this feels, at all.
