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Horrible, actually. I tried to plan a date where we’d sit down and talk, and he made so many appointments on our date night that he cancelled. I’m feeling pretty cold about it, honestly. This just happened yesterday.
We’ve still seen each other with the girls for another sleepover, but hardly any time alone to connect or talk. And the talks over text in the mornings and evenings are just stale. I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. He keeps telling me he’s sorry he’s so busy and that he’s trying to juggle everything, but he can make time to kayak three times in a week and no time for us. I don’t like the way it’s making me feel. I don’t like that I feel like another task that can’t get done. I feel terrible.
Even when I try to tell him how I’m feeling, he’ll say something like thank you for sharing that with me” without reciprocation, reassurance or telling me how he feels about me, which is odd for him. It’s been weeks since I’ve felt safe. I don’t know what to do anymore.
We are spending the weekend together this weekend, and I am planning on bringing it up this evening. I do find it really helpful to focus on being curious instead of seeking particular answers, because that helps with the anxiety I was feeling about the conversation in the first place. I also talked to my friend about it yesterday and she was helpful in telling me (also) that my thought process about everything happening was perfectly reasonable considering the path that we’re on, and this conversation, too.
I hope to be able to provide space for him and give him the available space to help me understand his response better, and also show him why it kinda triggered me and made me shut down, too. We’re definitely on the same page most of the time, which, is why this was so surprising, but I’m thinking it’s because he was working and k did it over text in the middle of the day, which may not have been the best time. He’s a much different person when he’s not thinking about a thousand things and what he needs to do next. I’m hoping we can figure out how to communicate and connect better when he’s as busy as he has been, because we’re headed into spring and summer when he’s going to be much much more busy with work and kayaking and we’ll have a lot less time to just “chill,” and have quality time. When we started dating things were slow and it was getting cold out so, he had a lot more spare time and time to focus on us and the future, and was comfortable doing so. I just want to make sure I’m keeping connection and communication open even when things are crazy and we can’t talk all the time so that we don’t become so distant that we don’t know how to communicate and be there for each other like we usually do.
You’ve given me so much to think about, and I appreciate it.
When he asked me to be specific, I said “I didn’t know if you were asking for my help with tbese things because you are picturing me there eventually?” And then he said the thing about us only being together for five months.
But he also bought a bed for his spare room, and had me pick it out so the girls could have a sleepover with his daughter.
He bought concert tickets for June, and is talking about Puerto rico this summer. We go to church together most Sundays with the kids.
It’s all just really confusing me, and that response made no sense. I thought I would at least get a tiny bit of reciprocation, and the lack… well, it hurt.
I immediately shut it down and said that I wished I hadn’t brought it up and that I wanted to change the subject because I regretted bringing it up after he said that, so maybe that’s my fault that he didn’t say more? I don’t know.
I also think we introduced the kids to one another (and each other) way too soon, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. It’s putting me in an incredibly vulnerable position when we’re not talking about longterm yet, and I don’t love the way that makes me feel at all. He’s met my parents. I’ve met his. But when this thing came up I just got a flat response of “oh wow” and “we’ve only been dating five months” – no reassurance or reciprocation or anything, and it about killed me.
Ok so now that I am where I am with this guy (things are back to normal and going well, he’s acting like he did when we first started talking months ago).
But we still haven’t had the talk about being exclusive or officially together. I have someone local who’s interested and is going to ask me out. Do I think I’ll like him as much? No. But I don’t know what to do. Like I shouldn’t say no just because we “might” be official soon, but I also don’t want to go and hurt him.
Is there a way to approach this with him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt, and possibly help decide if he’d like to cross that line with me? Or should I just leave it alone and wait for the conversation to organically happen?
Help.
I know that I need to slow down and take more time to think rather than be so reactive (about my anxiety) I can be really impulsive and fiery, and that can be bad for a relationship, because it makes me more likely to feel hurt and defensive, and out the other person in the same position.
Be turned the tv on for different light, because he didn’t like the lamp, but then he was distracted by it. I associate tv with disconnection, and unfortunately have since I was a child. When I was little all I wanted my parents to do was turn it off and connect with me before bed, and that feeling never really went away. I tried to express this to him in a non-judgmental way so that he could see that it was simply me expressing my vulnerability, and not something he did inherently wrong. I could’ve easily asked him to turn it off and turn on some music instead, but I didn’t. Why? Because I was afraid of what he’d say if I did. I let my fear get in the way of having a voice, for fear of what would happen following.
I do meditation and yoga, get up with the sunrise, and some other things to help my anxiety, I’m also in therapy. I’m not sure what he has done/is doing, but I know it’s a big struggle for him that crippled him sometimes. I’d definitely love to talk to him more about and try to help him find creative ways to help his too, while supporting him in doing so.
I can’t even tell you how helpful this was. I also realized I was holding back my own vulnerability (and he wasn’t, and never does) and that that was part of what was holding us back. So not only did I edit the script you suggested, I also admitted that I shut down when he turned on the tv because I’ve always associated that with intentional disconnect. I was devastated, and it made me feel far away from him when we were together. It felt so good to go that off my chest and be fully vulnerable and honest with him, and it also made me realize that I have to stop being so afraid to be vulnerable, even when there’s risk involved in doing so. He hasn’t really responded yet, except to say that it was ok (after I apologized for the long messages) and he’s had a crazy day and work. So just waiting to see what he says now.
I realize that I’ve always struggled to show my vulnerability without being accusatory, so I worked really hard to try and show it without doing so (by saying, I didn’t want you to feel judged, I didn’t want you to feel judged – I let my fear get in the way). It felt really good, and I really feel like I kicked us into a new level by being equally vulnerable with the possibility of risk just like be always is with me. I feel so empowered, and ready for whatever happens next.
