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It’s hard to explain. I guess what I mean is that I’m moving in the direction of letting go, I’m just doing it differently than everyone expects me to. Maybe that means I’d still be open to a conversation? Maybe that means I’m not ready to erase him? Maybe it means I might date someone else in the future? I don’t know yet, I guess. I just know I’m doing my best to focus on gratefulness and willingness to move forward in whatever way is necessary to get through this and find a healthier and happier version of myself on the other side. I know she’s waiting for me.
That’s such a complicated question for so many different reasons which I’m still trying to process. Both days went well. I felt brave for going by myself Friday night since my friend couldn’t go, Meg some new people, found a couple old friends. I didn’t see “him” until about half an hour before I left the last night. He moved right in front of me on the outside of the crowd (where we both prefer to watch music). I didn’t say hello, and neither did he. I was actually fine when I drove home and went to sleep that night. It was nice to see him smiling and having fun, and for some reason I thought it was cute that he moved in front of me so I could see him (who knows if I’m ridiculous for thinking so, I probably am).
Then Sunday morning I cried, then went to get my girls and cried the whole 2.5 hour drive. Then cried all day.
Then I found out his best friends dog had heart cancer – the one that lived with both of even when they were younger and his daughter also adored. I went back and forth a few times times in my head before I decided to just send him a message to tell him I had heard and was sorry, because I knew he was precious to him, and he thanked me.
Then I was actually fine. I’d planned no contact after that, but felt good for being the bigger man in that moment.
That’s all there is right now.
I realized I’m not ready to let him go, that I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss him, and that I’m going to get up off that ledge for now. It felt peaceful to choose instead of standing on top of a crack that keeps spreading wider and wider beneath my feet.
I’m mildly terrified about this weekend. It’s stepping way out of my comfort zone, and so many people there will be connected to him. But I am never going to have the life that I want and meet the people I need in my life to move forward if I don’t start going to places that I know he might be. It’s just a consequence of dating someone like-minded, I suppose.
I’ve been praying a lot. Leaning on friends when they’re available. Trying to stay in the present as much as I can. Working out more. I still get stricken with grief several times a day, but I do my best to shut it down as quickly as it comes on. I’m reading a book on grief at the moment, and though I’m not grieving a death, it is helping. I’m finding solace in the fact that all I have to worry about is today, and to let tomorrow worry about itself. I often find myself looking to the future and wanting to know how and what happens next, crippling myself to absolute darkness and worry, but I’m recognizing it and trying to relearn this pattern that I have, which, in all honesty – was part of the downfall of the relationship (which he so clearly and cruelly stated). I’m swallowing the hard pill and realization that had he not broken up with me, I likely would’ve broken up with him – but for the opposite reasons, and yet – I can’t seem to stop the wondering of why we couldn’t get past those hard moments.
I feel like a child who hasn’t aged past 16 in the dating world, and that is a struggle I am finding difficult to endure. My 10 years of marriage didn’t add any experience or preparation for the dating world at all – so now, here I am, back in the pool, only ten years behind with even more baggage than I had before.
I’m going to a festival where I know he will be there, and likely my ex husband as well this weekend. Which is mildly terrifying (he’ll likely be on the river all day, so I won’t see him much if at all). I had resolved not to go, but after talking to a friend about it, I’ve realized I need to get more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone (going and doing things alone), and I need more friends who also enjoy doing things outdoors. This festival will be FULL of these kinds of people, the kinds of friends I need and want to make in my life right now. She made me promise that if I see him that I will refuse to speak to him, because he’s had plenty of chances to do so, and that gave me a sort of relief, because it gives me a plan should I be confronted with such a choice.
I’m tired.
I got a refund for the therapy. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m still getting stuck and discouraged. Every time I think today is going to get easier to let him go, it feels like it’s getting harder.
I am seeing one through my insurance and one I paid for upfront. I wasn’t happy with the first, at first, but the more I’ve been leaning into healing, the more helpful she’s become. The second isn’t very helpful honestly. She just wants to make lists and goals and k really already know how to do that because I’m a health coach. So I think I already answered that question myself. But since I paid for the second one upfront I think I’ll just continue seeing her until the two months I paid for is up.
I’ve been tapping regularly. I just did it last night. Doing somatic yoga daily. I did taekwondo last night and have been doing that weekly (if I pass my test Friday I’ll finally be rid of my white belt – yay!). I’m trying tk be more present with my kids. I’m eating (a little better). I’m showering more often. I got my hair highlighted for a boost. I’m being honest with the people I know don’t expect me to pretend I’m ok (something I struggle with normally). I’m not taking it personally when people want me to be somewhere I’m not yet. I took an extra day without the kids (took them to the sitter) today so I can focus on things I need to get done and work through the list of things that’s been crippling me. I’m trying to quit smoking (like really really trying). I’m leaning into my faith more. I’m seeing two different therapists (I’m trying to decide which one to keep). I haven’t had a panic attack since last week. I’m getting more sleep (and even my oura ring says my stress resilience is climbing back up). I’m journaling and writing poetry.
I still cry every day, but I’ve also recognized that it mostly only happens hopelessly when I look back at his profile on Facebook, so I’m not going to do that anymore.
I’m planning to go horseback riding with a friend, planning a whitewater rafting trip with friends this summer, going to a festival next weekend, and trying to lean into new fun summer plans so k don’t feel like my summer is lost without him.
I just wish he’d at least say,”I hope you’re doing ok too.” Or literally anything. I think that’s what hurts the most. I’ve realized that it’s out of my control, I’m just struggling to release it. I’m going to keep going. It’s just hard right now. Everything is hard – from getting up in the morning to eating every meal. It all feels impossible.
I dropped off his things and his book last week and left a note. I just said I finished the book and that I hoped he was doing ok. No response.
I sent him a message Friday and just told him I was going to let him go and that I was sorry. No response to that either.
I’m still struggling. But every day is better than the day before. I still cry every day. But I’m leaning into good habits, prayer, and support, and exercise. I just wish the feeling of impending doom would end.
I just wish k could reconcile this pain in my head. I’m going to let him go. I know I’ve been fighting it. It just hurts. I guess I’ve just got to keep going until the pain gets better.
Honestly, the more I think about it the more I realize how much I equally contributed to the downfall. I let my anxiety and my fears take control. I spoke up when I needed to go inward. I let fear run the show, because I was so afraid of losing something good. I was holding on so tight, it’s no wonder he ran away as fast as he could. Am I taking full responsibility? Of course not. He should’ve come to me with his concerns and given me a voice, but I think he was afraid to because of the way I was addressing things when I got uncertain and fearful and anxious. I could’ve handled it so much better, but I was so scared I was going to do it wrong. I got so wrapped up in “masculine vs feminine” I forgot to just be – myself. And lost myself in the process. I lost the person he fell in love with. I lost the person k love (me) in the process, too.
And it’s taken all of this healing and going inward to realize how much I did.
I honestly don’t know at this point. I know that I would be willing to have a conversation – if he initiated it. I know that I would listen, and give him opportunity to say what he needed to say. I know that I wouldn’t just “go back to the way things were.” It wouldn’t be allowed to involve children, and he would have limited access to my life – for a time. Beyond that, I just don’t know.
Well, my birthday came and went, and for some stupid reason – it was the swift kick in the butt I needed to realize he truly doesn’t care about me, and absolutely nothing I do is going to make a difference.
I am heartbroken.
Life is not a romantic comedy.
And I need to move on.
It hurts. So much.
I get it. I need to let go and move on. But I’m still going to write something. Even if he throws it away. I still get to say that I did. Even if it’s just for me, at least I can say that I tried.
