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I sent him the one you suggested..
He said he wants to talk on the phone tonight. That he’s tired and his anxiety is amped. I said that was okay and let him know when I’d be available.
I’m really just waiting to see what his tone will be when he calls. I’m willing to work through it if he is. We both clearly have a lot of triggers that we didn’t know we still had, and we’re hopeful we’d both healed more than this when we started dating (because we both said so).
If he lends me an olive branch, I’ll be willing to reach for it, if he can admit that he was a little harsh with me Sunday. I hope that he will. I guess we’ll see.
He finally texted back and said he needed some time last night. Then he said he wants chat on the phone later today. I have no idea what I’m going to say.
I definitely have some insecurities to work through, you’re not wrong about that. I had issues with a non-commital guy before and after my marriage which bring up fears. And I was married to a man who made me feel responsible for his feelings 24/7 for 10 years.
I do feel like he wants me to make more space for what he’s going through than me, but wasn’t sure if that was just my insecurity talking. I felt like everything was on his terms how he wanted it, and he was sticking me in a box in the corner and telling me to stay put. That’s the best way I know how to describe how it made me feel. It made me feel silenced and out of the loop. Were these wrong feelings to have?
I just want to feel safe with each other again. I’ve never felt as safe with someone as I have with him until we hit this massive roadblock, and I just wish I could turn the page.
I wish I could work with a coach but I definitely can’t afford anymore financial burden at the moment. I sent him the text and he hasn’t responded. Now I feel like he’s punishing me for asking for space to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I guess he’s gonna have to come around or I’m gonna have to walk away. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I still don’t know what I’m going to say to him when we talk Tuesday. Part of me is angry that he decided all of this without me and didn’t seem interested in my thoughts. Part of me wants to tell him to go away and never come back. Part of me wants to ask if we can just start over. I’ve considered saying that what he said sounded final and not like a relationship with a partner but more like a business proposal with a decision already made prior to meeting. I miss him. I’m scared of losing him. But I’m also scared of approaching this the wrong way, and not saying what I need to say
I didn’t send it and don’t intend to. My mom said I was being unreasonable… I did, however, ask him to give me a couple days to process and not contact me until Tuesday evening. And I told him I loved him.
Please tell me if you think this is way off base, because I’m seriously considering sending it, but will wait for your input before I do.
“ I don’t know, babe. I’ve got to be honest. Everything about our conversation this morning felt like a big push in the opposite direction from everything we’ve said and shared up to this point. It left me feeling confused, and honestly like I’m dating a 21-year-old bachelor who doesn’t know what he wants and is terribly afraid of commitment. I don’t feel good about it. It doesn’t feel like the man that said he was looking for a partner in every way, or that said he thought it was attractive that I was thinking about our future. I want you to know what you want from this, and I want you to feel good about or, or I don’t want to be a part of it. No matter how much I love, appreciate and respect you. I want someone who isn’t afraid of what the future might hold together. I want to feel cherished and honored and loved. And I need to feel like one sentence isn’t going to break the fabric of our relationship for weeks at a time.
I don’t like that my daughters are spending nights at a house, and seeing me go to bed with someone who has no plans of building a future together. What kind of message does that send my daughters? Your daughter? I don’t feel good about it at all now that we’ve had this talk.
I will still come see your parents Wednesday, if you’d like, and you are still welcome at Kaelen’s birthday Saturday. But after that, k feel like a little time would be good to figure out what you want from this, because I really don’t feel like you know anymore. And that’s fine. I just need you to figure it out so that we can both feel safe again, or we won’t be able to make this work.”
As far as what I asked for – I told him if I cry because we’ve argued, all I need is a hug. I told him that if he wants me to feel like a priority to him that at least some of our time together needs to be non-negotiable. I also told him that shutting down and not telling me what’s going on in his head isn’t a very healthy way to keep communication open.
I didn’t say anything about moving in together or marriage, because I didn’t know how to respond to it, because I was so shell-shocked when he said it. I still don’t know how to feel. Why invest so much time in getting to know each others families if he has no plans of ever combining them? I don’t get it, honestly. He even wanted to take a picture with all of our kids together. When we started dating, he said he was looking for a partner in every way, and this just felt like talking to a completely different man that I don’t know or recognize.
He basically said he needed space, and time for other things. And for me to be understanding of that.
I wish I could’ve read this before the conversation was over… but oh well. I just feel really betrayed right now. Like he was telling me one thing and now he’s saying something else. I think it’s really obvious that he’s scared as hell and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it besides backing off.
He told me that I need to take care of myself, and I agreed, but also said I have a lot going on because I’m homeschooling a kid and watching a toddler all day when they’re not with their dad. He said he feels responsible for being available when I don’t have the kids, and maybe that’s because it all changed all at once when he got scared. Suddenly he wasn’t available anymore, and I didn’t know how to handle it or how to respond, because it was an entirely new dynamic. Rather than him running to me the second he could, he was reluctant to spend time together, reluctant to tell me how he felt about me, and reluctant to be open about how he was really feeling. He talked to his best friend about it long before he talked to me, and that bothers me because I wish he’d come to me first, at least – especially considering early on in our relationship, he told me that one of his pet peaves was running to others to talk about relationship problems before coming to each other.
I also told him id like him to take better care of himself, rather than trying to treat his body like it’s immortal – like complaining that he’s worn out, and then kayaking for four days in a row and not eating properly. He agreed that I was right.
I don’t know. The whole conversation felt like a breakup event though it wasn’t. I wish I knew how to wrap my head around it jn a better way, and now k don’t even know what to say to him or what to do.
So I helped out by cleaning up his house this weekend, and it made him feel like I was in his space too much. He did say he appreciated it but wished that I had spent the time for myself. He said that I spooked him when I asked if he wanted me living with him eventually and I shared how it made me feel. He said he’d felt responsible for my feelings and my time lately and that with that and being spooked that he didn’t feel as safe. He also said he didn’t think he’d ever want to get married again, and that his house is a refuge for him. We talked about how to be there for each other and give each other what we need while also providing space. He said he didn’t want to lose himself, and I said k didn’t want him to either, because then he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with anymore. I explained that the last few weeks were stressful for me too and I was struggling to juggle my emotions and needs and processing what was happening between us.
I asked him if he thought he needed some space and time to figure out what he needed from our relationship, and he said no, that he just needs to feel like he’s not responsible for me.
I’m glad we talked, but feeling uneasy still. Maybe you can help me unpack this.
This is so helpful, and I think you’re right. He always made me feel like a princess before now (which is very very new for me) and then he just stopped and I panicked. Really bad. I realize now that I was overreacting and just need to give him space to function through this. I just hope I can find some creative ways to be there for him since he doesn’t know what to ask for right now. He’s so worth it. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had a million times over, and if k can help him through this, I know that we will be stronger for it in the end. I actually sent him an apology and told him that I realized I was overreacting because I was scared, and that it’s okay that he’s having a hard time, that I just want him to feel safe, and that he’s worth it. I just hope it made him smile.
I’ve really been taking your feedback about being passive to heart, and decided to buy a book on the subject to make sure I’m speaking clearly and directly about how I’m feeling. I did see him last night but we didn’t talk. He was like a shell of himself and completely worn out. It’s hard to see. We both apologized but that was about it. I wish I knew how to be there for him, but I don’t and he says he doesn’t know what he needs and his head is a mess.
We plan to talk about it this weekend. He wanted to call me since we hadn’t gotten to see each other, and I said I’d rather do it in person when we can see each other, and he said he respected that. We had a bit of a spat yesterday. I got mad when he said he was going kayaking for the afternoon, and said something about time magically appearing when it’s convenient, and he didn’t like that. I wished I hadn’t said it even though I was thinking it. He said it wasn’t true, and he was pretty mad at me for it, but he also said he understood why I felt that way.
We talked before bed last night, and I cried. I was just so relieved to hear his voice, honestly. He sounded like a shell of himself. It’s horrible to hear. I just wish I knew how to support him while he’s this busy without getting angry that he doesn’t have as much time for us. It’s hard to reconcile because things are just so different.
He used to wake me up every morning with a message telling me how much k meant to him, we’d flirt and enjoy each other before we started our days. It was like that at night before bed, too. I used to look forward to the texting part of our relationship so so much. Almost as much as our time together. He used to stop by to bring me tea in the middle of the day. Meet me for coffee on my workdays or take me out to lunch. He used to put his phone away when we were together. Words of affirmation and emotional intimacy were just as important to him as they were to me. I feel like I’m dating a different man entirely. I’m trying not to be selfish about this. He warned me that busier times would be hard. I’m just trying to figure out what reasonable expectations are, and if we can make it work with it this way. I want to make it work, I really do.
He keeps saying he’s sorry that things are so busy and that’s he’s just trying to figure out how to balance everything. I just wish when I tell him that I need reassurance that he’d give me something to hang onto while we’re not talking. I miss it so much it hurts.
He sent me a text this morning saying his nerves were shot and he feels like he doesn’t have enough time for everyone. It felt like a prelude. He said he felt terrible for not knowing how to make everything work, but I just didn’t really reciprocate much because he cancelled our date night. I didn’t feel like telling him that I wished k could be there to comfort him like I normally would, because what’s the point?
I was nice enough. I said we’d be okay if we continued to show each other we were a priority, communicated and helped each other feel safe even when we can’t see each other.
Then later he wanted to know how my daughters were doing and some other details, and I just didn’t feel like answering when he said k could open up about it if I wanted. I said maybe later.
I’m frustrated. I’m lost. This is hard.
