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I’m also going to stop replying to his mother’s messages. Stop checking his Facebook, and all of his friends Facebook. If he wants to come to me, he will, when the time is right, and we’re both ready for the conversation.
I moved my whole livingroom around today, and my kitchen. It felt pretty good.
I also realized I let go my whole morning routine because he used to text me to talk to me every morning, and that was my foundation. Planning (and have been slowly moving into) getting into that again.
I feel like it’s not over, and I’m finally comfortable saying that. Either way I’m going to be ok because I have the tools to be okay, I just need to use them.
I went to my girlfriend’s house that also just went through a horrible breakup recently and we both just cried and cried. It was really healing and helpful to release a lot of that pain.
I also started doing some somatic yoga, and it also made me cry. It feels good sometimes now. It doesn’t last all day, but I’m getting glimpses again.
I did some meditation last night. I prayed. I cried. I asked help to let go of the pain, and felt the first release I’ve really felt the last few weeks. I know it’s not over, but it felt like a step forward.
I also wanted to say that these conversations have been my lifeline the last couple weeks, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and your support.
Every time I go to do meditation I get angry. I have done tapping a few times. Cried every time, so I know it’s helping. I’m seeing a therapist again. I’m talking to friends, but starting to feel isolated, because I’m not telling them what they want to hear. My mom has been incredibly helpful, though. She prays with me and encourages me to do the same. I do feel better right now than I did earlier. I’ve journaled several times, but feel like it just brings out the pain and confusion I’m feeling. His mom keeps talking to me on my stories on Facebook – giving me hope, but I don’t know if it’s just because she doesn’t want to let go, because she realizes what he gave up, or because she’s actually talked to him about it.
Like I said. I’m gonna drive myself nuts.
I’ll try meditation again tonight. I used to do it every day, and enjoyed it very much.
Today is harder for some reason. I’ve tried to find ways to distract myself but it’s getting harder. I keep going he’ll either leave the key or communicate in some way. I’m gonna drive myself nuts.
I’m almost too sober to even describe how I’m feeling at this point. But at least I’m not on the floor crying anymore. It feels like a step in the right direction.
I took my girls to the trampoline park Wednesday, and last night I went back to taekwondo, which I had given up for him, because he was taking up so much of my time (something he accused me of doing to him, which was really confusing in the end). It felt good to get back to it.
I keep checking the porch for the key, and then judging myself for it, but then I realized – one day. I won’t look anymore, because it won’t matter anymore. And that’s the day that I’ll finally know that I’ve let it go completely.
Got home and the key wasn’t here. I searched my porch for it for ten minutes. Felt confused for a little bit, and decided to let it go. I gave him a choice. Maybe he was too busy and inconsiderate to leave when he said he would, maybe he decided to keep it, maybe he’ll send it next week.
I finally decided it’s okay no matter what he does.
I’m dreading going home and seeing that key on my porch. Knowing I’ll never see him again. Knowing he wants nothing to do with me, or to revisit this later. I know it’s for the best, but for some reason that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
But I’m also glad I had the strength to say goodbye in my own way, with my own voice.
I sent him this:
Yknow what? Its ok.
You hold onto that key. I hope that every time you look at it, that you remember every good moment we had, and I hope it brings you a smile. And if you ever get tired of looking at it, just drop it in the mail, and send it home. And if, after a while, you don’t? Call me and maybe we’ll have a cup of coffee if we can find the time. It was never about the key.
The choice is yours. I’ll be ok either way.
He said: wow ok. It’ll be on your porch when you get home tomorrow.
I said: understood. Thank you.
At least it’s over. Yes. I cried.
I actually can’t change my locks because I live in an apartment complex and I’m pretty sure it’s expensive to do. I wish I would’ve asked you before I sent that because now I regret it. Oh well.
I just need this to be over so I can move on with my life, and let him and all of the plans we had for the future go.
I had a therapy session this morning and I cried the whole time. She did help me come up with a response for him,”you holding onto my key feels you’re trying to keep the door open, so unless that’s what you’re trying to do – I really need it for closure.”
He said it was in his truck and he just needed to find a second to drop it off.
I don’t know why I keep holding onto hope. I know I’m torturing myself and I’m trying so so hard not to. I am reading and exercising, therapy, my sauna blanket, etc. it’s all just so hard.
I hate that I wanted it to work out so badly. I wish I could take that feeling away.
I finally heard from him yesterday. I said I needed it back, and I didn’t care how, that it was giving me a considerable amount of anxiety not knowing when he would return them, and to please let me know one way or the other.
He finally responded and said he’d bring them by sometime this week, and I said that was fine, just not when the girls are home, because I don’t want him to see them and feel more confused.
He said ok. But of course still didn’t tell me when. Fun stuff.
It’s hard to let the idea of this hero we created in our minds. Every time k try to convince myself that he’s not coming back, my brain fights me on it, and that’s typically when I break down. It’s hard to let go of the idea that I found someone who’s willing to do this thing with me, even though it’s complicated, and hard. That someone who loved and talked to me that way is cold and gone.
The girls are processing through it, too. We’re going to try tapping together this afternoon. I also made an appointment for therapy Wednesday and asked my eldest if she’d like me to make one for her, too.
We’re trying to move through this as best we can.
I’m just trying to move through the pain and let it out when I can. Journaling, reading, talking about it, exercising. It’s helping, but it comes in waves.
I know we’ll get past this, it’s just hard right now. Thank you
How do I stop analyzing it? How do I stop feeling devastated that no amount of closure was important to him?
This is a new kind of pain for me. I still feel so confused by it.
I would never treat or leave someone this way, no matter how badly I wanted to let them go. It’s just not how I operate and it’s difficult for me to grasp.
