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I’ve been so busy focusing on healing and getting myself out there that it’s hard to tie me down right now. I went on an 8 mile kayaking trip this week which was amazing. I’m doing taekwondo again. I’m making new friends. I’m doing shadow work (which… wow). The psychologist I met with seems like he’s going to be really helpful and I think I’m going to transition to him instead, but my second appointment with him is Friday so we’ll see. He’s excited about the inner work I’m doing and wants to know all about it and help me with it. The girls are doing better. They say they miss them sometimes, but seem to be ok with it more now than they were before. They dont cry about it anymore, but I tell them they’re safe if they need to talk about it or cry or anything at all. I still cry sometimes but rarely. Mostly when I’m doing shadow work, because I’m letting out so much emotion when I do it that it’s like a punch in the gut and a dose of healing at the same time. It’s hard realizing that you get attached to someone because they told you all of the things that you always wanted to tell yourself, I’m talking to someone – an old friend. It’s “just talking right now,” but it’s something. He’s extremely reserved and respectful. I don’t know if I want more from it or not, and I don’t know if he knows yet, either. I still definitely have a huge part of my heart clinging to my ex, but I’m working to surrender and let it go. It’s hard. There’s also still a part of me that thinks the healed versions of both of us will find each other again. I’m trying not to cling to either, and just let it all play out how it’s supposed to.
I’m going to try to dig into some CBT with a psychologist. I’ve resisted sitting in front of people with clipboards my whole life to avoid the deep darkness of my trauma, and I’ve finally decided I’m willing to do whatever it takes to heal. So this would be a level above therapy.
I also had a couple guys try and reach out to me this week. One that I went to visit because he’s been battling cancer and has no friends, basically. We dated on and off years ago and he never wanted to commit, but remained distant friends. I went to visit him for conversation. He actually tried to weasel his way back in as a casual companion, and I laid it out for him. I told him that while I appreciate his conversation and company,that I have zero desire to revisit our old situation in anyway, shape, or form. He was frustrated and told me I was old enough to “have fun” now. I said it’s not about whether or not I want to have fun, it’s about knowing what I want and having enough respect for myself to say no to anything else.
And then there’s the guy I talked to on and off last summer, who actually ghosted me and I took back – albeit non-comittaly (he was long distance so we only saw each other once). He’ll say he wants to be a supportive friend and then cross boundaries I’ve made, and then say his heart is involved and he can’t do it anymore, blah blah. So he said goodbye and blocked me a month ago when I said I wasn’t even close to ready to commit to someone right now. Well now he’s back, missing me. “He tried” he says. Yeah, well, keep trying buddy – your instability speaks volumes.
I think we are going to start digging in next week, and I would like to. That’s also something I’m learning through the program I’m doing, too. I’m also going to start seeing a psychologist in a couple weeks. I’m just done with the patterns. I’m literally willing to do whatever it takes to move past it – even the things I’ve been running from all these years.
I am, and she’s been helpful as well. We’re going to start working on my struggle to make decisions because of my over-thinking, which, can be crippling at times – and was definitely a huge issue in my past relationship. I want so badly to be able to make confident decisions more readily without getting anxiety about it – but I also think the empath program I’m going through will help too, because I’m positive it has to do with my considering every avenue and how it effects every person involved before making any decision – which oftentimes leaves me making no decisions at all.
It’s called the Empath Healing System by Karen Katz. I really like the videos and the meditations so far. It’s supposed to be about healing needy energy and stepping into your power, and using empathy as a strength instead of a weakness.
I started a 4 month manifestation program today that I’m feeling pretty good about. Just ready to stop feeling stuck and step into a better future and stop repeating these same patterns over and over again.
I’m done. No more yuck.
Oh yknow, I called him a few days later and left a message asking if he’d like to get together because I’d like to see him. It seemed so brave at the time (rather than stupid, as it was). He didn’t respond until Mother’s Day – in a text, saying that he wasn’t in a place the he’d like to.
So then I sent a thank you, I forgive you and goodbye note. Deleted all of our photos, all of our texts (all 60,000 of them – mostly initiated by him, no I’m not exaggerating). Blocked him on Facebook, and hid my story from all of his close friends and family. And I cried.
I’m ok. I’m also not ok. And I’m ok with that. For now.
It’s hard to explain. I guess what I mean is that I’m moving in the direction of letting go, I’m just doing it differently than everyone expects me to. Maybe that means I’d still be open to a conversation? Maybe that means I’m not ready to erase him? Maybe it means I might date someone else in the future? I don’t know yet, I guess. I just know I’m doing my best to focus on gratefulness and willingness to move forward in whatever way is necessary to get through this and find a healthier and happier version of myself on the other side. I know she’s waiting for me.
That’s such a complicated question for so many different reasons which I’m still trying to process. Both days went well. I felt brave for going by myself Friday night since my friend couldn’t go, Meg some new people, found a couple old friends. I didn’t see “him” until about half an hour before I left the last night. He moved right in front of me on the outside of the crowd (where we both prefer to watch music). I didn’t say hello, and neither did he. I was actually fine when I drove home and went to sleep that night. It was nice to see him smiling and having fun, and for some reason I thought it was cute that he moved in front of me so I could see him (who knows if I’m ridiculous for thinking so, I probably am).
Then Sunday morning I cried, then went to get my girls and cried the whole 2.5 hour drive. Then cried all day.
Then I found out his best friends dog had heart cancer – the one that lived with both of even when they were younger and his daughter also adored. I went back and forth a few times times in my head before I decided to just send him a message to tell him I had heard and was sorry, because I knew he was precious to him, and he thanked me.
Then I was actually fine. I’d planned no contact after that, but felt good for being the bigger man in that moment.
That’s all there is right now.
I realized I’m not ready to let him go, that I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss him, and that I’m going to get up off that ledge for now. It felt peaceful to choose instead of standing on top of a crack that keeps spreading wider and wider beneath my feet.
I’m mildly terrified about this weekend. It’s stepping way out of my comfort zone, and so many people there will be connected to him. But I am never going to have the life that I want and meet the people I need in my life to move forward if I don’t start going to places that I know he might be. It’s just a consequence of dating someone like-minded, I suppose.
I’ve been praying a lot. Leaning on friends when they’re available. Trying to stay in the present as much as I can. Working out more. I still get stricken with grief several times a day, but I do my best to shut it down as quickly as it comes on. I’m reading a book on grief at the moment, and though I’m not grieving a death, it is helping. I’m finding solace in the fact that all I have to worry about is today, and to let tomorrow worry about itself. I often find myself looking to the future and wanting to know how and what happens next, crippling myself to absolute darkness and worry, but I’m recognizing it and trying to relearn this pattern that I have, which, in all honesty – was part of the downfall of the relationship (which he so clearly and cruelly stated). I’m swallowing the hard pill and realization that had he not broken up with me, I likely would’ve broken up with him – but for the opposite reasons, and yet – I can’t seem to stop the wondering of why we couldn’t get past those hard moments.
I feel like a child who hasn’t aged past 16 in the dating world, and that is a struggle I am finding difficult to endure. My 10 years of marriage didn’t add any experience or preparation for the dating world at all – so now, here I am, back in the pool, only ten years behind with even more baggage than I had before.
I’m going to a festival where I know he will be there, and likely my ex husband as well this weekend. Which is mildly terrifying (he’ll likely be on the river all day, so I won’t see him much if at all). I had resolved not to go, but after talking to a friend about it, I’ve realized I need to get more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone (going and doing things alone), and I need more friends who also enjoy doing things outdoors. This festival will be FULL of these kinds of people, the kinds of friends I need and want to make in my life right now. She made me promise that if I see him that I will refuse to speak to him, because he’s had plenty of chances to do so, and that gave me a sort of relief, because it gives me a plan should I be confronted with such a choice.
I’m tired.
I got a refund for the therapy. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m still getting stuck and discouraged. Every time I think today is going to get easier to let him go, it feels like it’s getting harder.
I am seeing one through my insurance and one I paid for upfront. I wasn’t happy with the first, at first, but the more I’ve been leaning into healing, the more helpful she’s become. The second isn’t very helpful honestly. She just wants to make lists and goals and k really already know how to do that because I’m a health coach. So I think I already answered that question myself. But since I paid for the second one upfront I think I’ll just continue seeing her until the two months I paid for is up.
I’ve been tapping regularly. I just did it last night. Doing somatic yoga daily. I did taekwondo last night and have been doing that weekly (if I pass my test Friday I’ll finally be rid of my white belt – yay!). I’m trying tk be more present with my kids. I’m eating (a little better). I’m showering more often. I got my hair highlighted for a boost. I’m being honest with the people I know don’t expect me to pretend I’m ok (something I struggle with normally). I’m not taking it personally when people want me to be somewhere I’m not yet. I took an extra day without the kids (took them to the sitter) today so I can focus on things I need to get done and work through the list of things that’s been crippling me. I’m trying to quit smoking (like really really trying). I’m leaning into my faith more. I’m seeing two different therapists (I’m trying to decide which one to keep). I haven’t had a panic attack since last week. I’m getting more sleep (and even my oura ring says my stress resilience is climbing back up). I’m journaling and writing poetry.
I still cry every day, but I’ve also recognized that it mostly only happens hopelessly when I look back at his profile on Facebook, so I’m not going to do that anymore.
I’m planning to go horseback riding with a friend, planning a whitewater rafting trip with friends this summer, going to a festival next weekend, and trying to lean into new fun summer plans so k don’t feel like my summer is lost without him.
