[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alexa,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. It’s so difficult to go through troubles with your spouse, and especially when there are children involved. I’m sure it must be really hard to be away from your kids.

Of course you want your family life back, that makes a lot of sense. In order to help you come up with a game plan for how to go about that, it would be helpful to know more context about your life and relationship.

What caused the breakup? Was it sudden or more gradual? Do you know why your husband might say he no longer feels like he’s in love with you? How has your relationship been leading up to this breakup?
Is there a reason why you moved out instead of him?

I look forward to learning more about you, and seeing how I can help!
xoxo,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jacquelyn,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that this person is not supporting you in the way that you would like. You deserve to be with someone who is there for you, and who treats you kindly! If you are dating someone and you are committed to each other, it should be part of their commitment to you to be there for you in tough times, and support you when you need love and affection. And of course, you do the same.

From what you’ve said though, it doesn’t sound like this has been the norm in the relationship and I have to be honest with you that there are many red flags here. I would like to explore this with you and have you really think deeply about what you are trying to being back into your life.

I pretty recently went through a break up. This has happened a couple times throughout our relationship
Continually breaking up and getting back together indicates that you are never working on the things that made you break up in the first place. You go back because you are lonely, sentimentalize the good times with the person, fantasize that things will be better, one or both feels remorseful and apologizes, but you never address the things that weren’t working, or make any real changes in how you interact.

I have been going through some extreme changes and dealing with very challenging situations in my life. He was my person so I would lean on him when times got tough but then sometimes I would not get the support or validation I needed in those moments and I would start to feel insecure so I would end up starting an argument.
There is so much to unpack here…you were going through things in your life, and he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there for you. Now I’m not saying it’s right or healthy how you handled it, but having feeling of insecurity when you’re in a bad place and your partner is not there for you is not abnormal. You say that he was my person but I’m wondering how exactly he ever fulfilled that for you, and why you attached yourself to him. Was he ever supportive to you? If so, when did things change?

the way that he was communicating made me feel dismissed which led me to feel angry.
Clear and compassionate communication is one of the main pillars of a healthy relationship. It sounds like you are aware of your feelings, and you understand why you are reacting the way that you do. That is a really important step in being able to not keep reacting in a negative way, but it doesn’t happen overnight. And it’s also difficult to have clear communication in a vacuum. All involved parties have to be onboard and be committed to taking responsibility for their own words and triggers, and cleaning up their side of the street. In general, how is the communication in the relationship? How do you deal with things when you disagree? How has it been when you have communicated well? Has that ever been the case?

I would do literally anything to make it better…and all I want is to open the door again
The question is…what are you opening the door to? When has your relationship been good? How can you get back to that place? What work do you and he both need to do in order to get to being healthy and happy with each other?
Also, both parties have to want it, and he has blocked you, which doesn’t sound like he’s willing or wanting.

So then you have to ask yourself…why do I want to be with a man who doesn’t support me, makes me feel unheard and alone, and refuses to communicate clearly and compassionately with me? Why am I fighting for someone who is not fighting for me?

I’d love to hear the answers to some of these questions that I’ve asked and we can start to delve deeper into what’s actually going on here!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi DeeDee,

Thanks for sharing more! It sounds like you are a very strong woman who is used to making things happen in her life, which is admirable. But it also reveals a blind spot where you might think that you can change more than you actually can. And if you can’t change something about someone else, you then will see how you can bend your own self in order to make something work. But that may not really work either…

That being said, I can tell that you feel very responsible for what has happened here. However it takes two to tango, and your ex definitely did quite a lot of tango-ing without you.

You said I wanted him and my family more than anything in this world.
What about him? Did he want that? From the sound of it, it doesnt sound like he did. And if he did, he didn’t make choices that lead to that really being a reality. We can’t gloss over the facts. For three years he was cheating on you and had a child with someone else. That is a huge betrayal. You did and do deserve better. Why did you hate your decision to divorce him when you found out about all that? How did he react to all of this?

So then a few years later you start hanging out again and he makes it known that he wants you back. And of course he would. You are the one who supports and loves him, warts and all. He can do whatever he likes, and you still cherish and worship the ground he walks on. Why is that? What is it that you feel with him that feeds you so?

You said that we jumped in it but we still had unresolved issues from our marriage that seeped into this new relationship

Well of course you did…because you just forgeve him for everything and it doesn’r sound like you ever held him accountable. So he knows that he can just come and go from you whenever he feels like it and you will always take him back. It gives him the freedom to meet other women, try to get with them, and when it all blows up in his face like it always eventually will, he can come back to you for comfort and support. You’re always going to be there making him feel like the most important man in the world, instead of a man who lies and cheats to get what he wants, and disrespects the closest people in his life.

I’m sorry to have to lay it out for you like that, but he does not sound like a catch, he does not sound like a good guy, he does not sound someone worth fighting for. A man worth fighting for is someone who makes you a priority. And it doesn’t sound like he makes you more than an option when he can’t find something that feels more exciting to him, simply because it’s new and fresh.

I understand that you have this connection with him for a long time, but what you are describing is very far from a healthy love dynamic. So ok, if you can be friends and just be ok with that, then sure. If that’s the case, there’s really no magical text to send. You just simply say, “I realize that us being together romantically isn’t healthy for us, and let’s just be friends”. But that doesn’t really seem authentic to what you want.

So I think focusing on your own healing outside of this relationship is the real important thing right now…

What do you think of that?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi DeeDee!

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. We know how difficult love and relationships can be, and we are happy that you are here with us. Our goal is to help you feel supported and nurtured, and to give you some great advice along the way to help you be more resourced in your relationships.
Hopefully we can achieve that!

First off, I’m so sorry to hear that you are hurting from the fall-out of the relationship with your ex. It sounds like you have an incredibly close connection that has withstood the test of time, and time, and time again! 28 years is nothing to sneeze at, and it sounds like you’ve raised a family and gone through it, all the ups and downs and ins and outs. Through thick and thin, you persevered, and no matter what the issue, there was always love to come back to. To be fair, that in and of itself is something to be celebrated! So many people never even get that, and if they do even have that time together, it’s rife with so much toxicity, that they can never even be in the same room together after a certain point. The fact that you still can be comfortable and wanting to be connected with him is really a great thing.

But I also understand that you want more. You want things to be the way they’ve always been. The good, the bad, the ugly. You want him to be committed to working it all through with you, and to keep on keeping on, no matter what. Of course it’s painful if he’s indicating that he’s ready to move on, and to have your relationship take on a different dynamic. But…what if he’s right?

I’m wondering, what happened in 2019 that made you decide to call it quits? And what happened in 2021 that made you decide to get back together? From the little you’ve shared, while it does sound like there was a genuine care there, were you really good together? Or for each other? Did being together make you better versions of yourself? You did say that the bad outweighed the good…

So could it be that there’s a way to make it better than before? Better than ever? Perhaps releasing yourself from the negative push pull situation that you’ve been in for decades could actually improve your relationship. Maybe you could be close without having to be in each other’s lives in this all or nothing way?

From the sound of it, neither one of you are doing anywhere. You are family, you share family, and you’re going to be in each other’s lives, like it or not. I’m sure whatever feelings you shared with him was not some new, ground breaking revelation. The reveal sounds like it was more on his side, of that he’s trying to move on and change what you have into something else. Did he indicate anything like that? Did he tell who how he’d like your relationship to be? That might be a question worth asking…if you can handle the answer…

Whatever it is, all hope is not lost. Nothing is really lost. You can still be close friends, and you can still be that team for your loved ones. But you probably do need to give it time right now.

Of course you want to reach out and just make him understand. But he is likely pulling away because he knows how you feel and whether he feels that way or not, he doesnt want to anymore. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you, so not being in contact is probably the easiest because if he is in contact, then he will have to reject you.

You want to fix things but I don’t think anything is broken. The best thing you can do right now is just relax, and think about what you might want for yourself, outside of your relationship with him. I’m sure that there are things that you’ve compromised in your life in order to have this relationship. Now would be a good time to start focusing on that. Who is DeeDee? What does she truly want in life?

Your last conversation will not be the last one you ever have, but maybe just taking a little break from the situation could be beneficial?

Look forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Heidi,

I totally understand that this feels sudden to you, and you are reeling with the information that you just received that seems to come out of the blue. But it seems to me that there was such little communication for two years, that there was no opportunity for you to create a bond and build a relationship. It’s not surprising that he would no longer be interested after barely seeing or communicating with you for all this time. It’s not nice, and it’s immature that he was not more upfront with you and let you know how and when his feelings had changed, but it’s not really surprising either.

I just don’t think that you should blame yourself though for the demise of this and assume that if you had done things differently that this wouldn’t have happened. It literally makes no sense that the two of you would stay together given the circumstances. Also I’m assuming that you’re quite young. Holding on to someone at this stage of the game is not a good move. You have your whole life ahead of you.

I understand that he was there for you during a difficult time in your life and that’s lovely. But you will meet other people who will do the same at later dates. He’s no longer willing to do that and he’s not interested in continuing the same connection. What can you do besides move on at this point?

What is it that you like currently about him? What is it that you like currently (or lets say the last 3 months) about your connection with him? How do you feel when you’re around him? Is there anything current or is it all based on history? It’s important to look at the reality of what’s happening now and be able to move on from something that’s no longer working. It’s the only way that you can heal and be ready to eventually have who and what is meant for you.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there!

I just answered you back in the other thread.

Let’s talk there 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Heidi,

Thanks so much for reaching out and welcome to the forum! So very sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It’s always so shocking and hurtful when something like this comes so seemingly out of the blue, with no warning or clear communication leading up to it. I know it can be so painful to think that everything is going along perfectly, and then seemingly out of nowhere, the other person drops something like this on you. It’s really not fair, but mostly it’s not fair that they weren’t more communicative and open with their feelings long before waiting for this moment to come.

I understand that you have been close with this person for many years, and it sounds like since you’ve been pretty young (although it doesn’t sound like you’re too old now!). It’s also sounding like out of the three years that you were dating, you didn’t really have much connection to this person at all. Did you see each other at all in the past 2 years?

The reason I ask is because any kind of long distance relationships is difficult, but even more so when you are so young and are still figuring yourself out. A lot can change in two years, and the person who you were close with two years ago may not really be who he even is anymore. Not only is this something for you to keep in mind in terms of how well you actually know him, and whether or not you’re still compatible, but also something to recognize about where his mind is at.

If he’s been out in the world for the last two years, probably out in another country as well, he has experienced life in a way that you haven’t, and he may have changed in so many ways that is inspiring him to want something different. This does not mean that there’s anything wrong with you, it just might mean that he is not the same person that you knew, and so the plans that you made together when you were last together may not make sense to him anymore. And a good thing to ask yourself is do those plans still make sense for you?

You’ve said a couple things about the relationship that make me wonder if it’s less than ideal, so perhpas you can share more info to clarify.

On his end: he felt like we always fought over and over
On your end: I didn’t want to get upset with him all the time and living with people is hard

These statements lead me to believe that things were not necessarily going so well. To be honest with you, living with people isn’t hard when you are compatible, have clear communication and are committed to working on your relationship. For him to say, “well we are in love, we will work it out”, is also very indicative of people not knowing what a real relationship is about. We are very blunt around here, but please know that I am saying this with love and care, but the two of you have not really had much of a real adult relationship. Writing letters back and forth for 2 years and occasional phone calls is definitely not something to base a relationship on, and definitely not a marriage.

Now what I’d wonder would be if it could be talked about, and instead of totally breaking up, what about just actually trying to have a real relationship? But if you don’t live near each other, and don’t plan to unless one of you moves to where the other is to get married, then that may not work either. And at this point, it doesn’t sound like he is interested in pursuing that…

I’m also wondering how it is that you “hurt him”, and what he did that was “so wrong”. Do you mean breaking up with you or how he broke up with you?

Let’s talk more about this and hopefully I can help you navigate your feelings in this situation!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Louise,

You’re saying that you would do all of the work in the relationships before. How did this one feel differently? What was he doing that was different than past experiences? What were you doing differently?

What is it exactly that makes you feel like he is the “right one”?

It’s good that you feel like you have healed, but what exactly did you need to heal from? Was that something that he told you about that he didn’t want to be with you because you weren’t healed from something?

You said: He had been in a couple of relationships before me but they weren’t positive ones

What about you? What have your previous relationships been like, besides you feeling like you did all of the work? Has there been one that’s been more fullfilling?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

No need for any apologies! With enough communication we will figure it all out. That tends to be the case with most anything. That being said, how do you feel like your communication was with him?

You mentioned that he’s the one that said he wanted no contact, is that correct? So how was the communication before that time?
And he was the one who said that he was no longer attracted, or was it you as well? If it was you too, then that’s what is confusing because if you agree that there’s no attraction, then why would you want to keep trying to be with him, unless you had some toxic pull to him…

You’re saying that we didn’t know how to move forward in our relationship…tell me about your other relationships. How have they been? Have you been in many other relationships? Has he? How old are the two of you?

Another thing to mention is that when you jump into things and commit very quickly, you are not really getting to know the truth of the person. You are just getting to know an idea of them, often a fantasy of who you want them to be. You see that they have a & b that you like, so you assume that they have the entire alphabet that you need to make a healthy and sustainable relationsip but that may not be true. In fact, it rarely is.

Usually the first 6 months are the honeymoon period, and you didn’t make it past month three, so it just might mean that you’re not compatible.

You started out this messaging with us saying that you were in a no contact but you felt ready to reach out and were wondering how. But now if he had asked you for a no contact period, and has not reached out to you, what makes you think that he is now feeling differently and wants to connect with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through! I am the other coach on this forum and I’ve read up on your situation and figured I’d chime in here. I, like Heidi though, am a little bit confused as well.

Mostly because I’m not sure what this whole “no contact” thing is all about in your particular situation. That’s usually a contact that you use when you are in a toxic relationship that needs to end, but you keep going back to each other despite the fact that you know that it’s bad for you. So you establish a certain period of “no contact” to try and wean yourself off the addiction and rid yourself of the relationship that you know that you shouldn’t be in. Was this a toxic relationship?

I understand that you both acknowledged that it was going too fast and while there was a connection there, the pace at which you were connecting was not healthy. Is that right?

My question is that if you guys had something that was truly a good connection, why couldn’t you just slow things down and connect at a pace that worked for both of you? Why did you have to not have any contact at all? If the relationship was so toxic that you had to make sure that you didn’t contact him for 30 days, then you should not be trying to get back together. Make sense?

You also said that you both lost attraction after 4 months. If that’s the case, why are you even still thinking about this person? It sounds like someone that you tried to date and realized it wouldn’t work, and broke up. Is there some other intense piece to this all that we are missing?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for the update! It’s smart of you to look into getting deeper help with your relationship. Something that many people don’t know as we don’t advertise but only offer occasionally if someone asks, is that we coaches here can offer private coaching as well. Just so you know! But it sounds like you are in good hands. I hope you will keep me in the loop though with how things go.

You are clearly a gem and deserve so much happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for the update! It’s smart of you to look into getting deeper help with your relationship. Something that many people don’t know as we don’t advertise but only offer occasionally if someone asks, is that we coaches here can offer private coaching as well. Just so you know! But it sounds like you are in good hands. I hope you will keep me in the loop though with how things go.

You are clearly a gem and deserve so much happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shaye,

I totally understand. Sometimes it can be easier to say the things that you want to say when you have the ability to write them down and really think them through. It also can help if you are someone who may get nervous or shy when around the person and not be able to fully say the things that you want to say. The issue with text though is that it does inhibit a certain level of closeness, and if he was upset, it would be difficult for you to fully know.

It does sound like he is a person who does not want to be alone, and I’m sure he misses having you in his life. So it could be that finding someone new is just that, a way to have someone to distract himself and pass the time with.

Do you think maybe there’s a way that you can get back in touch? After all you were friends for so long. It’s a shame to lose that connection. Have you tried saying something like that?

You and I were friends before anything and I miss my friend. Let’s go back to being what we were and take it from there.

Something along those lines. What do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jacqueline,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sending in your question! An age gap is really dependant on how much it is and also can be influenced by the place in life where each of you are. At 42 you are a grown woman, so dating a man 20 years your senior is not the same as if the 2 of you were 20 years younger. Of course there are things to keep in mind like he may have less time on this earth than you do, but also you never know in life what will happen so to live in fear of what might happen when is foolish. Every day is precious and you just need to live it fully and enjoy it.

A couple of questions…do either of you have children? If so, how do they play into the connection?

How long have you been talking? Have you met in person? What makes you each feel like the other is your soulmate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for the update! It’s now been a couple of days since you sent this so perhaps things have changed in the meantime, but either way, I have to say that I’m disappointed to get your news as the letter you wrote was so beautiful and thoughtfully crafted. It is a real shame that he is not responding in kind as he is now heavily at risk of losing a very high quality woman. But I hope you know that this is in no way indicative of who you are or your worth, but rather of his inabilities to open up and be emotional and transparent. His loss for sure.

While I do appreciate your desires to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he is trying to get the project off the ground and also trying to work out his feelings before we have a talk , I think at this point you have given him a good amount of leeway that a mature man would appreciate and would understand that it’s now up to him to be a man and make an effort. It’s unfortunate that he’s not doing that.

So as you said, you’re left the option of walking away. I appreciate that as a good option, and also very much respect the compassion and care that you are affording him in this situation.

Since he is unwilling to talk, you may have to default to the letter again. You could say something like: I had hoped that my transparent letter would alert you to the fact of how deeply this is affecting me, and you’d recognize that a conversation was not only an ask, but also a need on my part. Your lack of desire to connect with me leaves me no choice but to do what is best for me in this situation, which is to call it quits and move on. This was not what I wanted, but I need to be with a man who is willing to take my feelings into consideration, and be open and transparent with me about his. I’ve loved all of the time that we’ve spent together, but this state of limbo is too painful/uncomfortable, and for my own self preservation and respect, I need to close the door on the romantic connection that we had”.

Of course you can elaborate from there however you see fit, these were just some ideas that I had. Please keep me posted on how things go. I am sending you much strength and warm wishes, and please know that I am here, in your corner and by your side.

xoxo
Spyce

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