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I totally understand your confusion about who your audience is and trying to formulate your stories and what you want to share. Here is the thing…I’m going to offer you a different perspective and approach that may or may not resonate for you. Let’s see…
So the way that guy was leading you with creating your “avatar” or audience, is a very male way to do things and what you are passionate about and what you want to teach is through the feminine energy. But let’s just take those words away for a minute, since I know they are triggers for you. The masculine is more about producing/doing while the feminine is more about creation. The feminine leads with the heart, the masculine leads with the mind. So creating your target audience is going into the mind, instead of the heart.
Here is maybe a different way to look at it…what if…instead of looking at who your target audience is, what if you looked at it as “What energy do you want to be in service of?” What if you didn’t look at it as serving or healing or helping the person, but instead you were in service to an energy that lives within a person…male or female. So for me, I am in service to the energies of passion, forgiveness, curiosity and love. So when I think about what I want to teach, I think about those energies that I want to support in a person…and I trust that the people that are also interested in being in service to those energies within themselves, they will find me…whether male, female, 60 yrs old or 20…they will find me. If you lead with your heart and serve the energies you are committed to, then your mind will come in and help you create the structure of how make that happen. Does this make sense?
Here is the woman that introduced this concept to me. https://perrichase.com/ If you scroll down to where she has some videos, she has one that says “intro to magic led business.” I’ve been studying business creation for a LOOOOOONG time and I’d never heard anything like what she has said. She doesn’t want you to create avatars, funnels, email lists etc. And for the record, she has a multiple 7 figure business that she built from nothing…WITHOUT avatars, funnels or email lists. She makes some good points and offers a completely different perspective that aligns for me on such a deep level…so I thought I’d share with you. She may or may not resonate for you though. Either way, it’s good food for thought.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
You are asking some great questions! I love your awareness and your ability to recognize some patterns in your life.
I’m wondering what your profile says. I have experimented A LOT with the kind of profiles I have created and watched the kind of guys that would show up. It really makes a difference about how and what you say.
Let’s break down some of your questions:
1. First, this is NOT unusual. There are A LOT of bots and there are also A LOT of guys just looking for a hookup. I remember a survey that revealed somewhere around 50% of people on Tinder were already in a serious relationship. So a lot of guys are just fishing, but not really interested in anything deeper…hence connecting through technology, but not interested in taking it further. It is incredibly common. This is where the “thick skin” is useful, as it’s nothing personal against you…it’s about THEM and whatever it is they have going on.
2. This is also common. Unfortunately, a lot of women DO send personal photos, so the guys get what they ask for a lot of times. When they come across a woman who actually has a deep respect for herself and knows how to set boundaries, guys can get defensive and do come across with entitled energy. Truth is, that kind of guy would NEVER be a good match for you anyway, so it’s a great way to filter out those guys quickly.
3. Being that there is a pattern here, there might be something to explore within yourself. Jung said “You’re unconscious always meets you on the outside until you meet it on the inside.” If everyone that comes across our path were a mirror of our subconscious beliefs about love, about ourselves, about life etc…then what do you think these guys are letting you know about yourself?
There definitely is a very evolved side of you. Maybe when it comes to love, there are stronger subconscious limiting beliefs that you haven’t connected to yet? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
It’s such a confusing line trying to be “friends” with a guy you have feelings for. Truth is, it’s not really friendship, is it? You have an agenda wanting to stay friends with him. A true friend would not care if he went on dates, would occasionally hang out and connect and enjoy each other’s company, without expectation of anything romantic. That’s not the space you are in. You want to date him again and call it “building a friendship.” It’s important that you are very clear and honest with yourself. Yes, the connection is incredibly strong and I know you’ve never felt this way before. That’s all wonderful and amazing, BUT beyond that, there isn’t enough substance to build into that connection, to make it something sustainable. It doesn’t sound like that is something he is interested in doing with you…at least not at this point. The fact that he is still not resolved about his last girlfriend, tells you that he is just not emotionally available for the kind of experience you want to have with him. That’s the truth for him right now. So if that is his truth, then what do you think the answer to your question would be? I still want to get to know him better and get past that fantasy and see if we are a good match or not.
Heidi
I’m curious….a while ago, you had this picture of yourself as being a terrible mother. So many things you have shared with me over the past few months about how you mother, are incredible! I’m wondering….are you able to connect to the greatness you have created for your children? Are you able to see what an incredible mother you are?
Maybe not to him, but i am definitely worth more than a few hours. that thought has been snowballing! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!! I can’t believe you are actually saying this!!! Goooooood work!!! You are getting it!!! Did you ever get some answers to your probing questions??
if i don’t make back a single penny from them, i still feel like i am winning! How does that even happen?! This happens because you are able to see the BIGGER picture. If all you focused on were the small details, you would miss the point. Instead, you are taking a step back and seeing/feeling the entire picture…and you see the value these programs have brought into your life. Beautiful perspective!!!
I cannot wait to hear how that phone call went for you. So now you are connecting to your story and how you want to help people. What about your story do you feel can help others? And HOW do you want to help others? What do you imagine they will feel, experience, and learn by working with you???
I love that you are finally getting into the value of your life. You have a lot of things to say and share and I have no doubt your amazing, powerful heart will get to touch many lives!!! I’m excited for you!!!!
Heidi
WE had our 3 hrs marathon conversation. Wow! What a gift! I love that you got to experience this side of him again. I have no doubt how special and sacred these conversations are for you. You get to see his spirit explore life, you get to be a teacher and a student, you get to play with him. So special!! And your daughter took responsibility for how she reacted towards you! Whoa! She is understanding herself on a deeper level, no doubt because you role modeled it and because you create a safe space for inner exploration. What a wonderful gift your children have given you! I know this may seem like a strange question, but I’m curious…do you find your children to be unattractive? You believe you are, and I imagine they carry your features, so I wonder if you also find them unattractive.
her talent is hospitality. It’s a background talent. Everyone loved her, but it also seemed like many people loved her food more than her. We are all so creative with how we figure out how to be loved, aren’t we?
I connected my fear to my looks – and i blamed it on my mom, because i looked like her, and i resented her for making me look like a cook and a servant when i wanted to look good enough to talk in public. I understand your resentment. It’s one more reason not to like your mom, the feminine, and yourself. You have such a strong commitment to not liking women. Your system will find every possible reason and add it to the list. I so completely understand, on such a deep level. I was like that for decades. I’m glad you are discovering these pieces so it can come into your awareness. Once it’s there, it is able to be worked with and released when you are ready.
It’s just so hard to not feel like my life would’ve been different, and my choices would’ve been different, if only i looked a little bit better! Why would JB want to be with me when he can have women who look like models? i can’t compete with pretty little Japanese women. Or any woman for that matter. Here is the programming you have again…about looks. You are putting 100% value in what a person looks like and competing. There is no truth in it. Beauty is a WHOLE picture, not just what someone looks like. Someone may look like a model, but they might be pretty empty on the inside. Again, I have seen this over and over and over again…I’ve gone out on dates with model-type of guys and was highly unimpressed and bored. I have gone out with ugly guys and found them to be wonderful and wanting to spend more time with them. So looks are relative – how someone looks to the observer depends on the eyes that are looking at them. How someone looks also depends on how they feel about themselves and present themselves…as a WHOLE person. So beauty is relative. I have never seen you, but I know your heart and your spirit and I have no doubt, I would find you to be beautiful. My eyes would see the whole of you, not just your outer appearance. There is only a competition if you step into it. I’ve “competed” against other women before, but in my mind, I wasn’t competing. Either the guy liked me or he didn’t. It didn’t matter there were other women chasing him. I’m not going to play into that and try and prove my worth. I know my worth and if he doesn’t see it, that’s okay…he is not for me. The guy who gets to be in my life will see me as outshining every other possibility…effortlessly. He will have the eyes that were made to see me that way – plain and simple. It doesn’t make me better than other women…it just makes me a better fit for him and who he is. There is no competition.
Finally this makes sense about what JB is doing. I imagine how your heart must have sank. Why did they break up in the first place? And how long ago did they break up? This makes me so sad for him. He is holding onto something that doesn’t exist and is being tortured by that and experiencing physical symptoms. Fantasies like this are so incredibly powerful and damaging on many levels. Who knows though…maybe these physical symptoms are good because it will get him to talk to someone about it and hopefully begin the process of healing. I’m sad for him. It’s been a few days now…how is it sinking in for you? What thoughts/feelings are coming up now?
Heidi
How did your baking turn out? I need to bake some cookies today. I’m a little late on deliveries, but oh well. LOL
People are so strange – how we treat each other. I find most people view the world through such a small pinhole. Their feelings and thoughts and perspectives are what is true and they are “justified” to feel the way they do. Your grandmother is who she is, but doesn’t care how destructive she has been. Why would she? She feels she is right and if someone doesn’t agree, that’s their problem. Oh what a life to be a narcissist. They have it pretty easy in a way. If you think about it…they never really feel guilty about what they do, they never question their thoughts and feelings and they just expect everybody to deal with it – generally speaking of course. Of course there are consequences to that type of thinking, but narcissists don’t really even recognize those consequences…so in a way…they are kind of free….kind of like ignorance is bliss.
I’m curious….do you have any thoughts about being 36 and still single? It’s not necessarily the societal norm nor the social programming we grow up with. I know you are super solid in who you are, but I’m just curious if certain thoughts slip in every once in a while like “Is there something wrong with me that I’m not married yet?” That’s the typical one.
You guys are really fun together. I’m glad you are able to still connect and build something new. We could all use more kindness, peaceful connection, and support in various ways. It’s such an intense period of time…still. Who would have thought that after 2 years, things would still be this intense?
I hope your holidays are peaceful, easy and full of smiles and laughter!!!
Heidi
Wow! A vaccine passport even to go to restaurants and bars? That’s really taking it to the next level.
Oh my goodness – you have a very large family! I forgot how old you are. But wow…lots of people to spend the holidays with. I’m glad you like most of them!
Isn’t it strange that your parents haven’t even seen each other in 15 years? I mean, they REALLY moved on from each other, despite having you. Why do you think that is? Do they dislike each other?
That’s a lot of people to get presents for! I don’t give presents anymore. I bake cookies like you 🙂
Okay…so your evening out with him sounds pretty fabulous. It’s so strange how well you guys get along and yet he doesn’t want to keep sourcing that. He sure is interested in being in your life though. Is he going to take care of your pup so you can go to Ibiza? I’m glad you were able to stay grounded in yourself. It would be really difficult to be around a guy you love being around and keep your distance, so to speak. Well done!
No traditions for me. We used to have traditions while I was growing up, but now it’s just me and my mom. We typically will go see a movie and order pizza or something. It just is a SUPER relaxing and chill day…perfection really 🙂
Heidi
Hi Kadra,
Well done! You are very brave. I understand the pain you are facing by truly letting him go. It’s not easy, but it’s going to create the highest outcome for both of you in the end. For him, he will get to figure himself out, without you being the motivator or pusher. You will get to heal and be available for a man who is interested in having a relationship with you and who will open you up to brand new levels…whether it’s him down the road or someone else. I do strongly suggest falling for a guy you actually will be able to get to know IN PERSON. This will give you a much more true experience of whether someone is actually your match or not…even if it’s him down the road.
But for now, your focus needs to be about healing your heart. Do you have good friends and family that can help support you through this? We are here for you as well. Many times, women will use this platform kind of like a journal and just write everything they are feeling. As coaches we are able to help guide the healing process in the best way possible.
Heidi
Hi Charlotte,
I am soooo so sorry to hear what you are having to go through. It’s shocking to learn that your guy isn’t on the same page as you. You obviously feel very different for him that he feels for you.
Let’s talk about this a little more. What has your relationship been like? Do you guys laugh a lot together? Do you share intimate details, feelings, thoughts with each other daily? How is the sex? Does he feel like a best friend to you?
There is also a pretty big red flag here. He doesn’t sound like a good communicator. To hold all of his feelings in and then all of a sudden unload everything and break things off…and he has done this 2x now…this just tells you he is not someone you can really trust. He is not being authentic with you along the way. He holds things in, lets them brew, doesn’t talk to you about what is happening for him, doesn’t talk to you about what he TRULY needs, and instead he just breaks up. This is not a guy who is set up to have deep intimacy. Would YOU say that he is deeply emotionally intimate with you?
Heidi
Wow! That is quite the journey you took into yourself! Well done! Of course you are exhausted!
I’m curious…did you make any connections in this dead spot to women? or Ethiopians? I have no doubt this “dead spot” has many layers to it. How about calling it something different? It’s not really dead…it’s just a spot of extreme protection. Your system has created a way to protect you, so it’s actually doing a really good thing! Although you don’t need protecting anymore, you did when you were younger and your system doesn’t know it’s okay to let go now. No one is harming you anymore. But that part of you doesn’t quite know it yet. There is a lot of healing, forgiveness, and releasing that needs to happen in order to support that part of yourself to open up more and live more authentically.
Just some simple re-programming can help create some movement. Saying things like “It’s safe to be smart. It’s safe to beautiful. It’s safe to be loved. It’s safe to be…..”
Thank you for sharing all of this. It’s really beautiful the courage you have to explore what is ready to be seen in yourself. Little bits at a time, right? Right now there is a HUGE energy of transformation. Many people are shedding the old and creating the new, but it’s hard right now, because the “new” hasn’t revealed itself yet. It’s the “no more and not yet” kind of space…that middle zone where people can’t live how they are anymore, but they also don’t know what’s next…and they have to sit in the uncomfortable and the unknown and find a place of peace in it. It sounds like you are on that wave with all of us right now. It’s fantastic!
Heidi
Hi Heather,
Wow! You really have been through a lot. Your whole world got turned upside down and it’s heartbreaking. I think the hardest part about breakups is the feeling of powerlessness. You have to sit by and watch your love make decisions that break your heart…and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s so incredibly difficult to face this very hard truth…we really are powerless in our lives sometimes.
The gift of powerlessness is the only way back to finding peace and feeling grounded and connected to truth…is to go within. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Of course you love him and want him back. Of course you want to keep connecting with the best of him. We ALL have beautiful, powerful light that lives in us, as well as harmful, dark, limiting behaviors, beliefs and patterns.
Here is something that is REALLY important to understand – a relationship is successful, or not, according to how we treat each other in our worst moments. In his worst moments, he runs away. In his worst moments, he disconnects. In his worst, he gaslights you. In his worst, he is uncaring and disrespectful. In his worst, he blames you for how he feels. In his worst, he cheats. So the thing is…no matter how wonderful he is, it doesn’t change how harmful he is – and he is clearly showing you that he is not a safe person to hand your heart over to. Does that mean it’s easy to disconnect? Of course not! Much the pain is dealing with the loss of the best parts and the loss of the dream you created around him being in your life. The dream you created about your future life isn’t going to work anymore. He does not have the ability nor desire to support your dreams. He is not emotionally built to support a deep, connective, authentic bond with someone.
Here is a great video explaining what happens during a breakup. https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Kadra,
You guys are just going through the typical withdrawal phase of breaking up. It hurts like crazy – and it should! Breakups are incredibly difficult, which is why people end up getting back together a few times before really breaking it off completely. So of course your pain goes away when you see that he reaches out to you. What you are forgetting is that there is also pain in the other direction of staying connected. There is pain both ways…whether you stay together or disconnect completely…it’s going to hurt. So you have to decide which pain you are willing to face and work with. If you stay with him, he is going to pull at your heart strings, but never be emotionally available for you. He is going to want to keep bonding, but then never really invest – you are always going to be kept at a distance. So continuing to agree to stay connected means there is no end to the pain you will feel by investing and feeding the feelings you have for him, but nothing to show for it. If you decide to face really breaking up and diconnecting completely, you KNOW the pain will decrease and you will heal. You KNOW there is an ending and you KNOW you will be able to move forward with your life.
There’s no confusion here. You just don’t like your choices. He is STILL not available, but he still wants to source himself with your energy??? Not that I blame him, but it’s just a lazy way to make himself feel better and not really have to face what he needs to face within himself. Your energy is precious, valuable, and sacred. He is not treating it that way. All he is thinking about is himself. All he is interested in, is feeling better and escaping the pain by continuing to feed the connection, but not truly investing in it or valuing it. He gets to try, but you get to decide what you want to do with that. It’s a pretty clear cut situation.
Here is a video that may help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Thoughts?
Heidi
oops! I hit send by mistake. Anyways….it’s obvious neither of you is happy. Something needs to change. If he is not willing to go to therapy with you, then I would suggest that you go by yourself, at the very least. I think that developing your internal strength is one of the most important aspects you can do for your healing and shifting your situation. I love that you wrote the letter and used your voice! It’s time to do more of that, so working with a specialist can really help you face your fears, develop new communication skills and learn ways to better support yourself. It doesn’t mean your marriage will work out, but it does mean you will become stronger and more healthy within yourself – and that’s the MOST IMPORTANT aspect here. I am happy to send you a recommendation of someone you can work with remotely.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Whatever the reasons are, it doesn’t sound like he is taking responsibility for any of it. I know he said he would talk, but he hasn’t really set that up, so is that something you are willing to push for? Can you create an evening where you guys go on a date? Go somewhere beautiful and go somewhere public. It’s an intense conversation you are wanting to have, so sometimes being in a public place can control the energy from escalating. It’s important that you both dress up a little bit so it can activate good feelings inside.
And it’s important to have a plan about how you are going to approach him. He is a pretty defensive guy and has strong narcissistic tendencies, so how you talk to him will make a big difference in the outcome.
Hi Jody,
Whatever the reasons are, it doesn’t sound like he is taking responsibility for any of it. I know he said he would talk, but he hasn’t really set that up, so is that something you are willing to push for? Can you create an evening where you guys go on a date? Go somewhere beautiful and go somewhere public. It’s an intense conversation you are wanting to have, so sometimes being in a public place can control the energy from escalating. It’s important that you both dress up a little bit so it can activate good feelings inside.
And it’s important to have a plan about how you are going to approach him. He is a pretty defensive guy and has strong narcissistic tendencies, so how you talk to him will make a big difference in the outcome.
