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Hi Ellena,
Welcome! That is such a powerful statement you have just made – and one that many women feel. You are not alone!
The first thing I want to say is…none of us can be in a healthy, vibrant, nourishing relationship with a man until we have that with ourselves first. How we feel about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, is directly reflected in the kind of men we attract. Our deep subconscious beliefs and programs about love are reflected in the kind of men we are attracted to. So whatever is happening on the outside, is reflective of what is happening on the inside. Our outside world is a reflection of our subconscious and it is so darn confusing if you are not able to understand the language of the subconscious. It’s estimated that our subconscious is actually the part of us that is making over 80% of the decisions in our lives. Crazy right?
With that being said, your struggle is common and contains a lot of layers in it. Getting to know yourself, your patterns, the core root cause of those patterns and how to heal, is what is going to shift your experiences with men.
We would love to help you navigate some of that if you would like some guidance. More details would be helpful. What’s happening in the relationships? What patterns have you noticed?
Heidi
Wonderful! There are a lot of things we can help you with!
The first place to start is paying attention to how you talk to yourself. Like I said previously, when you are hurting, be kind and compassionate instead of judgmental and mean to yourself.
The next place to start as you go down the rabbit hole is to explore where your thoughts may have come from. Since you tend to be a dominant giver, there would be a part of you that is using that as a coping mechanism. Meaning…when things were stressful growing up, you naturally decided that you could “keep the peace” somehow by trying to make everyone happy – maybe you thought if you were a “good little girl” that you would get to feel loved. Maybe you thought “If I can just make sure everyone is happy, then I can feel peaceful and happy too.” So…tell us about your upbringing. Is there anything you can connect your co-dependent tendencies to? Co-dependency means “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” There is a time and place for this kind of behavior, but when it’s the dominant way you live in a relationship, then there is unresolved trauma/hurts/wounds that are the driving force behind this kind of behavior.
Also, I feel like you might resonate with Michaela Bohm. She has a great book! https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
You also might like Debbie Ford and her book “Dark Side of the Light Chasers.” https://www.store.debbieford.com/product_info.php?products_id=9Lastly, if you are interested in working with someone, I’m happy to send you the info. for my Coach. She is BRILLIANT and will help you work through these patterns sooooo quickly. Let me know if this interests you and I’ll send you a private email.
Heidi
Wow! That’s so interesting how much you love the U.S. and how you connected to it being a place you would never give up. Tell me more about it! What do you love about this country? What aspects are you not willing to give up?
I love the “song” that you identified with. You said you started to lose it when you heard the other participants shared their progress. Were you losing your song because you comparing to them and how you haven’t quite started yet? That is a beautiful story about that man who learned to just “be” instead of “fix.” He allowed his “female” energy to lead, instead of his “male” energy…which is what most of do when powerlessness gets activated…we try and find control somewhere.
I love that your neighbor complimented your mothering. I know you have struggled with that concept for a looonng time. I would have to agree with your neighbor. There is soooooo much you have done from a very easy natural part of yourself, that has set up your kids for a much more peaceful, easy life. The fact that they were okay with a wooden heart for their pockets says A LOT!!! I’m wondering if you downplay your influence on that because it was easy for you to create that kind of mindset/experience for your kids. It wasn’t hard for you because you were just being yourself as you allowed them to be themselves. For you it was effortless…for most moms, they would wonder how the heck you did it. Most parents spend their lives trying to shape and control their kids into the best versions of themselves. The problem is…it’s their vision and not their kid’s vision. You just allowed your kids to be free. I can hear a gazillion moms going “how did you do it???” Maybe down the road, when you connect with your “mothering” instinct more…you can help other moms.
I also love that women are wanting to help other women!! It’s been happening soooooo much more over the past 5 years…women coming together vs. competing and destroying each other. I have seen it everywhere in different forms where the divine feminine is being healed in women….something that has needed to happen for a very long time. I’m glad to hear about it again!
Heidi
One loves horseback riding, kayaking, hiking….. just my type of man and says he’s a Christian, but I haven’t the foggiest clue of what to say to catch his interest. Any suggestions? What if you imagined that Ed was the guy saying this to you…what would your response be?
I think that the men you have good relationships with are one where you don’t feel pressure to create or push or be anything other than just yourself…and they like that! So maybe that’s the secret sauce for you…just being yourself, with no agenda. Imagine dating without any need for anything to go further. You are just enjoying the moment and not searching for information, not analyzing everything he does, not overthinking about how should react or what you should say…imagine feeling 100% like yourself – like you feel when you are talking with Ed. I’m curious…how often do you feel that comfortable in yourself when you are getting to know a guy?
Yeah…I gotta say that Emil’s story sounds a bit far fetched. I’m glad you looked it up and did some research. I’m curious what he is going to say next.
I totally get how it can be scary to go to the Netherlands. I think that’s a pretty healthy fear and one I have no doubt you can face. You are resourceful and you love to explore, so that part of you would figure it out pretty quickly. It will take a bit of time, but you will learn how to feel comfortable once you familiarize yourself with everything.
Christmas was wonderful! I drove a few hours into the mountains with 4 dogs in the back of my car. I parked in the HUGE bowl….100s of acres of flatlands surrounded by GIANT snow capped mountains. It was breathtaking. I hung out there for a few hours, journaled, listened to a podcast, walked the dogs…its was AMAZING! Then I came home and hung out with my mom and watched a few Christmas movies. PERFECT day! Then Sunday all the the decorations came down. Haha! I’m ready for the new year. How were your holidays?
Heidi
You are asking some GREAT questions about yourself. It sounds like you are ready to take yourself to a deeper layer.
There is NOTHING pathetic about who you are. You are just normal. We ALL have low self-esteem. We ALL have patterns and behaviors that come from insecurities, hurt, woundedness etc. So it’s not pathetic. It just makes you like the rest of us – which makes all of our silly limitations a normal part of life and relationship. So I want to encourage you, that as you dig deeper, you are kind and compassionate with yourself. Remember that whatever answers you discover to the “why” question, you will find hurt there. Calling yourself pathetic will only ADD to the hurt. Instead…being kind, gentle and caring with yourself can help heal the pain that created the patterns in the first place.
This is foundational to having a STRONG, SOLID relationship with yourself. Self-love, in our most wounded parts, is what will help you in those moments when you are rejected, because YOU will love you and choose you, instead of trying to convince the guy to love you and choose you. Make sense?Spyce and I would love to help you answer your “why” questions, if you want to take a journey with us. We both have done a TON of deep diving, so we are good guides. Let us know if you want our help 🙂
Heidi
I’m not surprised Perri wasn’t quite your flavor. I get how you would feel she is being judgemental. She could easily be described that way. She is a very firey energy and can come across that way. I’m glad you were able to receive some bits of validation though!
But, I’ll leave the male things to the men as much as possible, and i’ll do my own thing. i don’t want to be both. I think people get REALLY confused by the terms male and female energies. When she was referring to goals, she was referring to goals that were driven and created by the masculine energies inside a person. So saying you will leave the male things to men and you don’t want to be both, is not even possible. You are BOTH in everything you do. Men are BOTH as well. If you maybe term the female as the “creator” and the male as the “producer” you may be able to better see how these energies are always at play within you…and whoever is in the driver’s seat, will create certain results. There are many more words to use instead of male or female…so you can replace those words with doer/giver – pushing/allowing – forcing/receiving – motivating/accepting. Male and female is just another adjective to describe the energies and have nothing to do with gender. Make sense?
Isn’t that interesting how you are getting a high open rate??? That just tells you how interesting you are! You have A LOT to share and A LOT to say and you are someone who is good at “seeing” others, beyond what they know about themselves. You have been learning the language of the subconscious that lives within you, which means you will be able to recognize it in others more easily. That makes you very effective in whatever it is you are wanting to create!
I love the story about the band. That is how it’s supposed to be, right? High vibe, passion, connection, support. I LOVE IT! I can see why you connected with them.
This week is very quiet isn’t it? I definitely tone things down during this time of year and ride the wave of energy that is present. I’m glad you are able to do the same! So much more peaceful.
Heidi
I totally understand your confusion about who your audience is and trying to formulate your stories and what you want to share. Here is the thing…I’m going to offer you a different perspective and approach that may or may not resonate for you. Let’s see…
So the way that guy was leading you with creating your “avatar” or audience, is a very male way to do things and what you are passionate about and what you want to teach is through the feminine energy. But let’s just take those words away for a minute, since I know they are triggers for you. The masculine is more about producing/doing while the feminine is more about creation. The feminine leads with the heart, the masculine leads with the mind. So creating your target audience is going into the mind, instead of the heart.
Here is maybe a different way to look at it…what if…instead of looking at who your target audience is, what if you looked at it as “What energy do you want to be in service of?” What if you didn’t look at it as serving or healing or helping the person, but instead you were in service to an energy that lives within a person…male or female. So for me, I am in service to the energies of passion, forgiveness, curiosity and love. So when I think about what I want to teach, I think about those energies that I want to support in a person…and I trust that the people that are also interested in being in service to those energies within themselves, they will find me…whether male, female, 60 yrs old or 20…they will find me. If you lead with your heart and serve the energies you are committed to, then your mind will come in and help you create the structure of how make that happen. Does this make sense?
Here is the woman that introduced this concept to me. https://perrichase.com/ If you scroll down to where she has some videos, she has one that says “intro to magic led business.” I’ve been studying business creation for a LOOOOOONG time and I’d never heard anything like what she has said. She doesn’t want you to create avatars, funnels, email lists etc. And for the record, she has a multiple 7 figure business that she built from nothing…WITHOUT avatars, funnels or email lists. She makes some good points and offers a completely different perspective that aligns for me on such a deep level…so I thought I’d share with you. She may or may not resonate for you though. Either way, it’s good food for thought.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
You are asking some great questions! I love your awareness and your ability to recognize some patterns in your life.
I’m wondering what your profile says. I have experimented A LOT with the kind of profiles I have created and watched the kind of guys that would show up. It really makes a difference about how and what you say.
Let’s break down some of your questions:
1. First, this is NOT unusual. There are A LOT of bots and there are also A LOT of guys just looking for a hookup. I remember a survey that revealed somewhere around 50% of people on Tinder were already in a serious relationship. So a lot of guys are just fishing, but not really interested in anything deeper…hence connecting through technology, but not interested in taking it further. It is incredibly common. This is where the “thick skin” is useful, as it’s nothing personal against you…it’s about THEM and whatever it is they have going on.
2. This is also common. Unfortunately, a lot of women DO send personal photos, so the guys get what they ask for a lot of times. When they come across a woman who actually has a deep respect for herself and knows how to set boundaries, guys can get defensive and do come across with entitled energy. Truth is, that kind of guy would NEVER be a good match for you anyway, so it’s a great way to filter out those guys quickly.
3. Being that there is a pattern here, there might be something to explore within yourself. Jung said “You’re unconscious always meets you on the outside until you meet it on the inside.” If everyone that comes across our path were a mirror of our subconscious beliefs about love, about ourselves, about life etc…then what do you think these guys are letting you know about yourself?
There definitely is a very evolved side of you. Maybe when it comes to love, there are stronger subconscious limiting beliefs that you haven’t connected to yet? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
It’s such a confusing line trying to be “friends” with a guy you have feelings for. Truth is, it’s not really friendship, is it? You have an agenda wanting to stay friends with him. A true friend would not care if he went on dates, would occasionally hang out and connect and enjoy each other’s company, without expectation of anything romantic. That’s not the space you are in. You want to date him again and call it “building a friendship.” It’s important that you are very clear and honest with yourself. Yes, the connection is incredibly strong and I know you’ve never felt this way before. That’s all wonderful and amazing, BUT beyond that, there isn’t enough substance to build into that connection, to make it something sustainable. It doesn’t sound like that is something he is interested in doing with you…at least not at this point. The fact that he is still not resolved about his last girlfriend, tells you that he is just not emotionally available for the kind of experience you want to have with him. That’s the truth for him right now. So if that is his truth, then what do you think the answer to your question would be? I still want to get to know him better and get past that fantasy and see if we are a good match or not.
Heidi
I’m curious….a while ago, you had this picture of yourself as being a terrible mother. So many things you have shared with me over the past few months about how you mother, are incredible! I’m wondering….are you able to connect to the greatness you have created for your children? Are you able to see what an incredible mother you are?
Maybe not to him, but i am definitely worth more than a few hours. that thought has been snowballing! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!! I can’t believe you are actually saying this!!! Goooooood work!!! You are getting it!!! Did you ever get some answers to your probing questions??
if i don’t make back a single penny from them, i still feel like i am winning! How does that even happen?! This happens because you are able to see the BIGGER picture. If all you focused on were the small details, you would miss the point. Instead, you are taking a step back and seeing/feeling the entire picture…and you see the value these programs have brought into your life. Beautiful perspective!!!
I cannot wait to hear how that phone call went for you. So now you are connecting to your story and how you want to help people. What about your story do you feel can help others? And HOW do you want to help others? What do you imagine they will feel, experience, and learn by working with you???
I love that you are finally getting into the value of your life. You have a lot of things to say and share and I have no doubt your amazing, powerful heart will get to touch many lives!!! I’m excited for you!!!!
Heidi
WE had our 3 hrs marathon conversation. Wow! What a gift! I love that you got to experience this side of him again. I have no doubt how special and sacred these conversations are for you. You get to see his spirit explore life, you get to be a teacher and a student, you get to play with him. So special!! And your daughter took responsibility for how she reacted towards you! Whoa! She is understanding herself on a deeper level, no doubt because you role modeled it and because you create a safe space for inner exploration. What a wonderful gift your children have given you! I know this may seem like a strange question, but I’m curious…do you find your children to be unattractive? You believe you are, and I imagine they carry your features, so I wonder if you also find them unattractive.
her talent is hospitality. It’s a background talent. Everyone loved her, but it also seemed like many people loved her food more than her. We are all so creative with how we figure out how to be loved, aren’t we?
I connected my fear to my looks – and i blamed it on my mom, because i looked like her, and i resented her for making me look like a cook and a servant when i wanted to look good enough to talk in public. I understand your resentment. It’s one more reason not to like your mom, the feminine, and yourself. You have such a strong commitment to not liking women. Your system will find every possible reason and add it to the list. I so completely understand, on such a deep level. I was like that for decades. I’m glad you are discovering these pieces so it can come into your awareness. Once it’s there, it is able to be worked with and released when you are ready.
It’s just so hard to not feel like my life would’ve been different, and my choices would’ve been different, if only i looked a little bit better! Why would JB want to be with me when he can have women who look like models? i can’t compete with pretty little Japanese women. Or any woman for that matter. Here is the programming you have again…about looks. You are putting 100% value in what a person looks like and competing. There is no truth in it. Beauty is a WHOLE picture, not just what someone looks like. Someone may look like a model, but they might be pretty empty on the inside. Again, I have seen this over and over and over again…I’ve gone out on dates with model-type of guys and was highly unimpressed and bored. I have gone out with ugly guys and found them to be wonderful and wanting to spend more time with them. So looks are relative – how someone looks to the observer depends on the eyes that are looking at them. How someone looks also depends on how they feel about themselves and present themselves…as a WHOLE person. So beauty is relative. I have never seen you, but I know your heart and your spirit and I have no doubt, I would find you to be beautiful. My eyes would see the whole of you, not just your outer appearance. There is only a competition if you step into it. I’ve “competed” against other women before, but in my mind, I wasn’t competing. Either the guy liked me or he didn’t. It didn’t matter there were other women chasing him. I’m not going to play into that and try and prove my worth. I know my worth and if he doesn’t see it, that’s okay…he is not for me. The guy who gets to be in my life will see me as outshining every other possibility…effortlessly. He will have the eyes that were made to see me that way – plain and simple. It doesn’t make me better than other women…it just makes me a better fit for him and who he is. There is no competition.
Finally this makes sense about what JB is doing. I imagine how your heart must have sank. Why did they break up in the first place? And how long ago did they break up? This makes me so sad for him. He is holding onto something that doesn’t exist and is being tortured by that and experiencing physical symptoms. Fantasies like this are so incredibly powerful and damaging on many levels. Who knows though…maybe these physical symptoms are good because it will get him to talk to someone about it and hopefully begin the process of healing. I’m sad for him. It’s been a few days now…how is it sinking in for you? What thoughts/feelings are coming up now?
Heidi
How did your baking turn out? I need to bake some cookies today. I’m a little late on deliveries, but oh well. LOL
People are so strange – how we treat each other. I find most people view the world through such a small pinhole. Their feelings and thoughts and perspectives are what is true and they are “justified” to feel the way they do. Your grandmother is who she is, but doesn’t care how destructive she has been. Why would she? She feels she is right and if someone doesn’t agree, that’s their problem. Oh what a life to be a narcissist. They have it pretty easy in a way. If you think about it…they never really feel guilty about what they do, they never question their thoughts and feelings and they just expect everybody to deal with it – generally speaking of course. Of course there are consequences to that type of thinking, but narcissists don’t really even recognize those consequences…so in a way…they are kind of free….kind of like ignorance is bliss.
I’m curious….do you have any thoughts about being 36 and still single? It’s not necessarily the societal norm nor the social programming we grow up with. I know you are super solid in who you are, but I’m just curious if certain thoughts slip in every once in a while like “Is there something wrong with me that I’m not married yet?” That’s the typical one.
You guys are really fun together. I’m glad you are able to still connect and build something new. We could all use more kindness, peaceful connection, and support in various ways. It’s such an intense period of time…still. Who would have thought that after 2 years, things would still be this intense?
I hope your holidays are peaceful, easy and full of smiles and laughter!!!
Heidi
Wow! A vaccine passport even to go to restaurants and bars? That’s really taking it to the next level.
Oh my goodness – you have a very large family! I forgot how old you are. But wow…lots of people to spend the holidays with. I’m glad you like most of them!
Isn’t it strange that your parents haven’t even seen each other in 15 years? I mean, they REALLY moved on from each other, despite having you. Why do you think that is? Do they dislike each other?
That’s a lot of people to get presents for! I don’t give presents anymore. I bake cookies like you 🙂
Okay…so your evening out with him sounds pretty fabulous. It’s so strange how well you guys get along and yet he doesn’t want to keep sourcing that. He sure is interested in being in your life though. Is he going to take care of your pup so you can go to Ibiza? I’m glad you were able to stay grounded in yourself. It would be really difficult to be around a guy you love being around and keep your distance, so to speak. Well done!
No traditions for me. We used to have traditions while I was growing up, but now it’s just me and my mom. We typically will go see a movie and order pizza or something. It just is a SUPER relaxing and chill day…perfection really 🙂
Heidi
Hi Kadra,
Well done! You are very brave. I understand the pain you are facing by truly letting him go. It’s not easy, but it’s going to create the highest outcome for both of you in the end. For him, he will get to figure himself out, without you being the motivator or pusher. You will get to heal and be available for a man who is interested in having a relationship with you and who will open you up to brand new levels…whether it’s him down the road or someone else. I do strongly suggest falling for a guy you actually will be able to get to know IN PERSON. This will give you a much more true experience of whether someone is actually your match or not…even if it’s him down the road.
But for now, your focus needs to be about healing your heart. Do you have good friends and family that can help support you through this? We are here for you as well. Many times, women will use this platform kind of like a journal and just write everything they are feeling. As coaches we are able to help guide the healing process in the best way possible.
Heidi
Hi Charlotte,
I am soooo so sorry to hear what you are having to go through. It’s shocking to learn that your guy isn’t on the same page as you. You obviously feel very different for him that he feels for you.
Let’s talk about this a little more. What has your relationship been like? Do you guys laugh a lot together? Do you share intimate details, feelings, thoughts with each other daily? How is the sex? Does he feel like a best friend to you?
There is also a pretty big red flag here. He doesn’t sound like a good communicator. To hold all of his feelings in and then all of a sudden unload everything and break things off…and he has done this 2x now…this just tells you he is not someone you can really trust. He is not being authentic with you along the way. He holds things in, lets them brew, doesn’t talk to you about what is happening for him, doesn’t talk to you about what he TRULY needs, and instead he just breaks up. This is not a guy who is set up to have deep intimacy. Would YOU say that he is deeply emotionally intimate with you?
Heidi
