[Heidi G]

These are great questions! Here are some things to think about as well

Money – one of the most important things to look for with their relationship with money is their spending habits….specifically – are they impulsive or not. Too much in either direction can tell you a lot about their subconscious thought patterns with money. Spending money on a whim on needless thing or even really big things OR being so frugal and tight – can really cause problems in a relationship. Money and communication are typically listed in the top 2 reasons why people get divorced, so these are categories to pay EXTRA special attention to.
Your 3rd question is also a great question for a reason I’m not sure you are aware of, but I just want to bring your attention to. You want to ask questions to see how much he is actually paying attention to the smaller intricacies about YOU. One way to know the level of his EQ is by seeing how much he actually is able to sense/see/understand you, beyond just what you tell him or express. Does he pay attention to your tone of voice, HOW you express things, your body language etc. So it’s a great question when you ask him things that he may or may not notice about YOU.

Family – questions to add:
– if his parents are still married – do you like their relationship? What about it? Or if divorced – how did you feel when they got divorced?
– I know it’s a strange question, but actually a very important one: do you LIKE your parents or siblings. Many people are in relationships with their family JUST BECAUSE they are family and they actually don’t like them as people.

Kids – do you want 1 or 2 kids is a question assuming that he doesn’t want 5. So just asking him “do you see yourself creating a family? How many kids?” Also, what is the lifestyle you imagine creating and having with your family? There are families that travel the world and educate their kids along the way (there is a famous travel family on youtube i believe doing a reality show about how to do it) or does he imagine a stay at home mom? Is having kids a dealbreaker for you? If yes, “tell me more about that. What is it about having children that is so important for you? What if you had the most amazing woman that you were in love with and you find out either you or her is not able to have kids?”

Career – A fun question I like to ask is “If you were a million dollars a year, for the rest of your life, how would you spend your day?”

These are all really great conversation starters. Hopefully, the guy asks you all of these questions in return.

One topic I ALWAYS ask about in the very beginning is more about his darker side. How you both treat each other in your worst moments, is what will make or break the success of your relationship. So I am asking questions like “What are you like when you are angry? When you are really hurt? Tell me about the worst heartbreak you have ever had. Tell me about a really embarrassing moment. What’s the worst thing you have done to someone else? WHat’s the worst thing you have done to yourself? What was your reputation in high school?” This line of questioning is sooooo so important, as it gives you a tiny sense into what you are stepping into.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So let’s begin to formulate some questions with what you have created so far.

Come up with 3 questions each you can ask, to learn about these categories:
money
his family life
career
kids

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Yes, I can see why you are beating your head against the wall! Goodness…I don’t know how you do what you do! It feels entirely draining and exhausting, but somehow you are doing it!

Have you officially signed the contract? You have so much research to do right now! But it’s fun! Are you going to rent out your house in Canada while you’re gone? It’s for 1 year, correct?

I’m not surprised your youngest reacted the way he did. He sounds VERY attached to you and that he feels more secure/solid in his life when you are very present. This will be good for him to feel who he is without you there. It’s going to force him to grow up a little more. I’ve had a few mail issues as well and so have other people I know. My driver’s license was lost, my car registration is lost and I know 2 people whose passports got lost. I wonder what is happening with the mail system.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay…it really sounds like you have done some really fun things with people you are truly enjoying. This is amazing! You are truly experiencing different flavors of life and being open and connected with others….THAT is the best recipe you will EVER create! I’m so glad you are figuring out how to still be connected with him and getting your needs met. You are creating a safe space for him and for you and he is just so damn lucky to have you in his life. I think you both are bringing healing energy into this relationship, even on levels you are not aware of.

I’m so sorry to hear about your pup! 13 teeth is a lot! What happened??? It’s soooooo incredibly hard to watch them be in pain and go through challenges. It’s such a powerless feeling. My dog, a few months after I got him, had an accident that caused him to be paralyzed in his hind legs and then a few months later, he got leprosy. That year was one of the most exhausting years ever between all the P.T. and therapies I was trying and doctors. I had to really deal with all the powerlessness that came up for me as I watched him struggle. He is okay now. He can walk and run, although it’s pretty funky and he falls a lot, but still….I’m so grateful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

He seems to have so much hostility I don’t know how to reach him. First, this is not your job to reach him. It’s your job to understand and accept who he is. In that acceptance, it doesn’t mean you stay with him. It might mean that accepting him means you cannot be with a guy who would rather be in a relationship with his hostility and anger than to be connected with you. This is where you need to be more conscious of your choice and what you are inviting into your life. If he is this hostile, it means he is not a forgiving person. It means he holds grudges. It means he WANTS to stay angry so he doesn’t have to feel the hurt that he is carrying around inside. Anger feels sooooo much better than hurt, so I don’t blame him. But if this is how he wants to live his life, then he gets to. It will ALWAYS be a huge barrier to intimacy though. He will always have a limit to how deep he will go with his love. He will always hit a wall and sabotage any relationship that tries to push against that wall. That’s what holding onto anger does to relationships. HE needs to choose to be available, otherwise it will never work. Even if you were reach him and help pull him out of his hostility, even if you were able to start learn how to communicate better and become a much better partner, IT DOES NOT CHANGE the level of anger he carries. As long as this is how he chooses to handle his hurt, you will ALWAYS be trying to pull him out of his hostility. It will be your job and it will only get worse as time goes on. Every little thing you do will be like a magnet to that hostility. It will go into that pile of shit he is holding onto and it will only grow over time, increasing his hostility and he will probably go to the grave with it. That is HIS pile of shit and he gets to do with it what he wants. And right now, which is all you have, you know he is choosing that pile over connection with you. Is that the game you want to play? Because having him in your life means you get a guy who is being controlled by that pile of shit.

where the heck is the 5 simple texts to send him lol. I’m not sure. People get really confused a lot of times with marketing phrases that are used to promote a product. Most times, they think it’s actually our product, but instead, it’s a product we are promoting. Can you tell me the context of the 5 simple texts? I’ll look more into it.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

in what way? what kind of activation? i don’t sense any kind of activation. I become aware of an injustice, but that doesn’t fill me up with rage. By activation, I mean activating your emotional body. I get what you are saying, so let me be more clear. Anger can be righteous anger for a higher cause (like getting angry about all the animals being dumped at shelters – I KNEW that was going to happen!!!) or it can be a lower vibration kind of anger that holds judgment and has a direct target (a specific person or group) and carries many other emotions with it and ultimately carries a harmful resonance about it. I haven’t been clear about the kind of anger I am talking about, so thank you for clarifying and using your brilliant examples to explain what you mean. It shows me where I am not being clear.

I don’t get tangled up with things that don’t affect me directly. I don’t see that as my problem. You say this, but then you say this Yes, the actions of women against men make me angry. But only specific ones that i surely KNOW about. I don’t look at every random woman and think: “I bet she treats men with contempt and disrespect.” If your thoughts, feelings and emotions are being stirred up, then aren’t you getting tangled up in something that isn’t directly happening to you?

I’m sincerely confused by the pictures in your mind. What are you picturing when i say that i don’t trust women, or Indians or Ethiopians? The picture in my mind is that you don’t feel safe with these kinds of people. Meaning, you naturally have defenses up against these kinds of people and that they would have to work much harder to ever be in your life compared to, let’s say a man. Your heart is open to men. You are more easily forgiving towards men. You see the value of having a close man in your life but little value in having a close woman in your life. Not that you are closeminded to the idea, but it would take moving mountains to allow a woman to get close to you. If a man showed interest in being in your life, you would easily be open to the idea. If a woman showed interest, your initial reaction is a closed heart until she proves to you otherwise…and the same would be true for Indians or Ethiopians. Here on this forum, of all the posts you have made, I have never once heard you stick up for women. I have only heard how they cannot be trusted and how they are harmful to men and how men need to be defended and spoken up for against the women complaining about them and the women ganging up against them. I’m not saying that isn’t true…I’m just saying it’s out of balance. If you were here talking about the injustices of mens’ behaviors towards women just as much….then I would feel like you are about defending ALL people equally and that you hold no biases against any particular race or gender…you are about fighting against the injustices in the world. That is not what you present here. You have biases against women, Indians and Ethiopians despite the fact that the things you don’t trust about them are qualities that exist in every single race and gender. So to me, that just tells me there is extra woundedness and hurt that you carry about the 3 groups in particular. You haven’t fully forgiven and released the hurt, so therefore you have automatic walls that go up against them more so than any other culture or gender. Let’s see if I explained all of this correctly! I’ll find out when you respond to this 🙂

It was really interesting to me how a few changes in the way things were worded, just sucked the power out of it for me! Isn’t that interesting??? I love how you are noticing these subtleties! It’s so fascinating how 1 sentence can be said in different ways and have different impacts on people. It reminds me of going into shoe store and seeing how they placed the same exact shoe in different spots in the store to catch the attention of a shorter person vs. a taller person vs. an artist who will notice the shoe’s color in contrast to other colors etc. Soooooo many ways to catch the variety of attentions of us, right? Is part of your assignment to evolve and revise your story over time?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay…this makes more sense. Thank you for explaining a little further.

There are 2 things happening here. First, HOW you are saying things could use a little polishing. Do you see how what you said could cause him to feel the way he does? He should know by now I would never say anything mean Never, ever, ever believe this. Why? Because people have baggage and that baggage colors the lens that they view their life through. That means that regardless of your intent or the kind of person you are, people are going to receive your words through that jaded lens. Never expect someone to be able to connect to your intent just because they know you. Even the healthiest, most conscious person can get triggered by how you say something. So…that means developing HOW you say something can get you even further. Your guy is mostly offended by what you are saying – so it’s learning ways to communicate that will help him actually hear what you are saying. So for example, instead of saying “even though you normally wouldn’t have been my type” you could actually say what you meant by saying “normally, I would go for the bad boys that would mistreat me. You, having been so nice to me, was something I wasn’t used to…” Does this make sense?

Now, the second part of what is happening here is him. He obviously has a lot of low self-esteem. He is not able to clearly hear what you are truly saying because he has A LOT of baggage in the way AND he wants to blame you for it. He points the finger at you for what you said, instead of looking at himself and noticing how much he doesn’t like himself. A healthier person would ask for clarification or let you know…”Hey, when you said this….this is what I heard. Can you explain a little further? Is that what you meant?”

The first part of communication is actually expressing and saying what you feel. The second part is learning about delivery and learning how to get clarification so that what you are saying is actually being received the way you intended. BUT….that’s just not always going to happen because sometimes the receiver is so messed up, that they don’t have the ability to truly hear anything clearly. There is just nothing you can do about that. I am a very high communicator and a very good communicator. It’s one of my best skills and STILL…when I say some things, it just doesn’t work, it gets misinterpreted, it doesn’t land the way I want etc. It’s just how it is sometimes.

So the first thing to understand is your guy is incredibly emotionally fragile. So having that in the forefront of your mind when you communicate with him means you need to say things carefully. Absolutely continue to express but now it’s about seeing if you can say things in a way that help him understand you better instead of going into his pit of self-destruction.

Remember that when you say anything, he will only be hearing that he is doing something “wrong” and not hear past that. So one approach may be something like, “When you do this……this is how it makes me feel…..I’m not sure if I am misreading it, so I’m interested in understand what you are doing or what is happening for you, so I don’t take it the wrong way.” Or “I’m curious about you. I notice this pattern and I’m wondering what it’s about. Would you mind sharing more about it?” Or don’t talk about what he did “wrong” but talk about what he can do “right” by going more indirect. “You know when you do this…….it really helps me a lot. It helps me feel more safe and connected with you…..” This approach is more about showing him what IS working and not pointing out what isn’t working.

All these approaches work, depending on the situation and person, so it’s about understanding the foundation of communication that keeps someone’s heart open and connected to you instead of shut down and defensive. It’s a skill that takes some time and practice, but can really help turn things around.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I wouldn’t say that our house is not exactly safe, or do you mean it is emotionally not safe? You said your daughter did not feel safe with him and you also said this: and that I was just trying to create a record of him being abusive so that I could use it later when I needed something against him. by saying “not exactly” safe is being dismissive of what is real….abuse ON ANY LEVEL of ANY KIND is NOT SAFE!!!! Even if it’s “just” verbal abuse (which btw…studies have shown verbal abuse is actually just as harmful, if not more, than physical abuse), your psyche never rests, your body and mind are on constant high alert and your nervous system is constantly elevated. All of those things put your body in “flight” mode – but you are sooooo used to it, since this is what you grew up with and what your “normal” feels like. You grew up in an environment where your mom was unhappy as well. She stayed in relationships that were so damaging to her heart and soul, even to the point of threatening suicide and making you have to witness all of that. You are just repeating what your mother did and doing to your daughter what your mom did to you. Do you want your daughter to now grow up and also continue the pattern of choosing men who mistreat her, devalue her, rape her, be ignored, cheated on, abused and disregarded? You are teaching her that it’s okay to be devalued and mistreated. You are teaching her that controlling, abusive behavior is what love is. All you are doing is supporting and continuing the cycle by choosing to stay in an unsafe, unhappy and controlling environment and that is YOUR choice. You are unhappy, yet you are choosing to say exactly like what your mom taught you to do. Is that really the kind of life you want to live? Is that really the kind of lesson you want to teach your daughter?

What do you think would be my best course of action now? To get a divorce and to “dump” my neighbor? You need some help and guidance. You want your neighbor to rescue you from your very painful situation…ANOTHER man who is emotionally unavailable. I don’t care how amazing he makes you feel. It DOES NOT CHANGE he is cheating, it DOES NOT CHANGE that he is not living in his integrity and also running away from his problems, and it does not change that you CANNOT have him! He is NOT able to offer you what you want…plain and simple. So the first thing is really coming to terms that nobody is going to rescue you. YOU need to rescue yourself. You need to decide that the life you have chosen is no longer okay and you need to fight for yourself and your daughter to have a life that is safe, first and foremost. Then you need to really dive into your patterns and the traumas you are carrying around like your best friend. Those traumas are what is causing you to allow men who don’t value you, into your heart and be mistreated. As I said, we TEACH others how to treat us. How we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. So it’s time for you to start to really look at how you feel about yourself, the low self-esteem you carry and the story you have about love that is full of lies and dysfunction.

There is nothing in this process that “feels good.” I know you want a quick fix and your neighbor is that person. He is a super quick fix to help you feel amazing, but he is NOT the solution. You have to do the hard work and that means a lot of tears, a lot of facing your fears, a lot of discomfort and confusion and anger and hate….a lot of feeling everything you have been ignoring for years. This is your path to a happier, more fulfilling life in general and the path that will role model something different for your daughter to give her a chance to break this pattern you are passing down to her.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

What do you mean by your ongoing separation? Are you not officially divorced yet? Help me understand this a little more.

What do you mean you are pushing so hard through self-care and therapy? What kind of therapy are you doing? Do you feel that working with your therapist has brought you some really good results?

It is sooooo incredibly hard when everyone you are supposed to feel safe with, is so incredibly rejecting – and when that begins in the primary years…man that is tough! You have to become your own source in a way that others who grew up with more love and stability don’t have to do. The gift is…you will also know and understand and have a level of self-love and care that most people will never have.

And…to have someone treat you in such a beautiful way is so incredibly nourishing. I understand how good he felt for you. Are you willing to just let him represent that guy who taught you that it’s possible to be treated well? And leave it at that? He helped you set a brand new standard. What if that is all his purpose was? What he did IS the baseline standard for you now and now it’s time for him to go. Is that something you are willing to accept and embrace?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is a great start! So tell me more…you say you are better at communicating more, but there is a lot of miscommunication. How? What EXACTLY is happening?

How much do you feel you are not communicating well enough and he misunderstands, or you feel you say things pretty clearly and he still misunderstands.

I’m looking for a clearer pictures as to what “miscommunication” means in your relationship.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Suzanne,

I’m glad to hear you are looking for a therapist. See if you can find someone with a specialty in EMDR or hypnosis or something beyond just regular talk therapy. Talk therapy has a shelf life and can only take you so far in your healing process. EMDR is my favorite method, but ultimately, it’s about the therapist and their ability to use techniques, beyond talking, to help you process on deeper levels.

I’m so glad to hear that he is starting to own up to some things! I do not recommend any specific book off of either of those sites, because I do not know what will resonate for you guys. ALL of them are amazing! So what I do suggest is that you go to the websites together and decide what book you want to go through next. Or maybe he wants a different book than you….the point is to just start educating yourselves on how to be better partners and how to deal with your emotions in healthier ways.

If there were 1 thing you would really want to improve on for yourself, what would you pick? And ask him that question as well. If there was 1 thing he would want YOU to improve on so you can be a better partner for him, what would he pick? And then reverse the question. Then from there, you both can start to make baby steps towards those things.

What would your answer be for yourself and what do you want him to improve on for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nia,

Nice to meet you! I am going to chime in here as well as there are some things I’m wondering.

You keep saying you miss your neighbor as a “friend” the most. Let’s break that down a little. What EXACTLY about that friendship are you missing? The thing is Nia, you are just creating one cycle after another of being with men who are unavailable and being with men who do not respect you and being with men who use you and then bail. Even though your current husband has not officially “bailed,” from what you are saying, he is not emotionally present…so in essence, he is just another guy who is unavailable, right?

So here is the thing…the common denominator is YOU. You think you are “in love” but the truth is, your neighbor is not available either, so there is no such thing as “love” when 1 person is not involved in the equation. It’s you have feelings AGAIN for a man who is not fully available for you.

So if the people we choose to connect with are like mirrors to who we are, what do you think it’s saying about YOU, that you are constantly seeking men who are not able to offer you what you want? What is your pattern telling you about what you feel about yourself?

The thing that is going to REALLY hurt you and your children, is that you are not standing up for yourself. You are teaching these men that it’s okay to be unavailable and mistreat you, use you, discard you etc. because the truth is…that’s how you treat yourself. You keep ignoring the emptiness you feel inside and instead keep trying to fill it with these men who treat you so poorly, but at least it’s attention, right? You can put all of your focus on “them” so you get to ignore what is really happening inside of you. You are not even willing to fight for your own daughter who is doesn’t feel safe with her father. And you want your neighbor to care about you – when you are not able to care enough about yourself or your own kids to create a safe place to live??? So you want your neighbor to help you feel better so you can ignore the choices you are making that are harming you and your daughter.

This has nothing to do with cheating, abuse or anything else except this…you are ignoring how unhappy you are. You are ignoring that hole inside of you. You are ignoring your daughter’s fear. You are ignoring abuse. You are ignoring how many boundaries you are crossing within yourself. You do not have any standards for yourself and how you expect to be treated and you teaching your daughter to do the same exact thing.

Do you want to keep ignoring all of these things or go get a quick fix from your neighbor, who is only going to reject you again and put you back into that pain cycle that you are addicted to?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m so frustrated and beating my head against the wall every day. I’m sure they will finish the job without me just fine. Is there a way to let go of your attachment to things being a certain way? It’s the best way to just relax and let things fall where they may…it’s easier to be in flow with that mindset. I understand they are a mess and how hard that is for you. If you can learn to let go with something like this, imagine how good you will be at doing it in other areas of your life! Can you maybe create a different purpose for yourself while you are still there so you can feel successful? Like maybe your purpose is to just bring more sunshine energy into this place. So maybe if you can get 10 people to smile each day, on top of your other normal job duties of course, then that is your focus and you can feel successful. I know that’s kind of simple, but maybe can give you an idea about how to shift your focus so you stop being so frustrated.

Holland sounds interesting. Do you know where you would live and what you would have access to? People take the lights and flooring? That’s strange.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

That’s my new me, living my life only for me with positive things lol Emilie! Wow! What a different person you are today compared to when you first joined here. I know I have said that before and I know you feel it as well. But still….wow! I love being a witness to your growth!!! It’s so incredibly beautiful! You are so much more solid within yourself, which is what you have always wanted…and now it’s starting to show up in different ways that so empowering!

Let me know how it goes with your boss and with this guy. It’s the 15th where I am at, so I’m curious what ended up happening!

heidi

[Heidi G]

This is a great start Allegra! So let’s summarize what you have created so far and take it a little further.

For yourself – “me” time is very important. let’s get more specific
Time to workout – how many days a week? I ask this because, as a strength coach for 20 years, there are definitely people addicted to the gym. They do not know who they are if they cannot workout and if this happens, they REALLY struggle. What is your relationship with working out?
Time with friends – how often?
Time to sleep is 11pm to 6am – is this flexible at all? midnight to 7? 10-5?
What else do you do on a daily basis to keep your balance?

For him:
Loves dogs – what if he is the most amazing guy you have ever met. What if he makes you laugh, works out with you, travels around and is adventurous with you and you feel safe and amazing with him – and he is allergic to dogs so he can’t have one. Would you choose to have a dog over him?

Family – what if he isn’t close to his family and has very good reasons for it? What if he isn’t in relationship with his family at all…is that acceptable?

Active – what if he doesn’t workout and doesn’t have a physical job but he hikes on the weekends. He isn’t a couch potato. He is a guy who loves to go do things, but being purposefully active other than going on a casual hike or bike ride is something he isn’t into, but again…he does love to go do things.

Adventurous – what does trying new things mean to you? Like what?

Money – what level of income is important to you? Is 50k a year okay? Must he be in the 6 figure range? You also want to look at HOW he spends his money and what his relationship with money is. He may make a lot, but he could also be a good spender. He may make a lot but also be incredibly frugal. He may make a lot and has a tendency to give it all away to people he loves or charities etc.

Kids – I’m not sure what this means. You say you have never really wanted kids, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t open to discussing it. Does that mean you are not attached to the idea but you also would be happy to have a child or 2 or 3? Meaning you would be happy either way?

Living location – city life has different definitions. I live near Boulder that is a city but I live just outside of the main area in a place with a lot of land. It’s not rural, but it’s not city either (at least in my mind). So get the specifics of what you NEED to have in your living environment. Remember, these are things you cannot live without, not your wants and desires. What if you had 2 homes? One in the city and one in a more rural area?

Work – so if I am understanding correctly, you want a guy who is working in an area that sources his passion, yes? What if his passion is teaching and he is incredible at it and he changes kids’ lives…but only makes 50k a year….is that okay for you? What if he is a guy that is working for a non-profit helping end sex slavery or helping save animals or helping save the trees and he only makes 30k a year….and he is an INCREDIBLE guy and lights up your world. Would you walk away because he doesn’t make enough money? Or what if he is a 6-figure kind of guy and his passion is on wall street? He is in a suit all day and all his passion is making money. Is that okay for you?

Sex – I understand you do not have experience in this area with other people, but I would suggest you expand your experience with yourself. If you don’t know what you want or need, that tells me you have done very little to explore your body on your own. There are a ton of ways to orgasm. You have different areas that are sensitive and numb. You have areas on your body that create a different kind of sensation. These are all things you can learn about your body without ever needing a partner. So when you do finally have sex, your sexual energy is already on and active and you don’t him to do that for you. You can teach him tons of things about yourself. You are familiar with your body sexually and are able to be a really good guide for him. Here is a woman who teaches these concepts. At the very least, start to explore her blog posts and learn about what is possible without a partner and how important it actually is. https://laylamartin.com/programs

household responsibilities – what is non-negotiable here? you are getting more into what you want instead of what you NEED. What if he can’t cook? What if he hates cooking? What if his job is a 15 hour a day kind of job and he just doesn’t have the space to cook? What if he doesn’t really have time to clean and take care of the house either?

The class I teach is 3 months long, so I’m sure this may feel overwhelming. I’m giving you a lot to think about in a very short amount of time. What I want to instill most in you, is going to a deeper layer and asking deeper questions until there is no longer a question to ask. This is how you know where you stand with yourself and the life you NEED to create. So take your time.

Heidi

[Author]

Posts