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there’s no way, i’m going to forgive EITHER of them! Let’s talk about forgiveness then. What is your definition of forgiveness? Since you seem to not be willing to forgive everybody and everything, then what qualifies as worth forgiving?
everything you’ve stated – of women being incredible leaders and men being really good at relationships are the exception, not the rule. My experience is this is actually more common now. I personally would no longer say it was the exception. It’s not the norm quite yet, but I feel like it’s getting closer than it ever has been.
Is this really true? i would need every nitty gritty detail on this before i give it any weight. https://www.gottman.com/product/the-mans-guide-to-women/
i’m starting to sound like a lot of successful people who keep saying they couldn’t have gotten to where they’re at without a coach! lol 🙂 What a beautiful story! I love that you got to have this experience and I love your friend’s reaction! You have come a long way Vino and you have a lot to share. You have an internal strength that you have had to fight to develop and I know many people need help with this part of their lives. So many people are wanting more in their lives and have no clue how to do it. Having a coach to help with different parts of your life will take you sooooo much farther than doing things on your own. That’s why I will always have my team of coaches who work with me in different areas of my life and to take me much deeper than I could ever do on my own. I love that you had this experience!
Heidi
It’s hard to say what is best right now, because I don’t know or understand all the dynamics between you guys. It’s really just an experiment at this point.
First thing is, creating a different relationship with him is not just understanding about him more, but understanding and healing your own wounds. When you actually do healing work, you change on the inside. You become more solid and a lot less reactive. So you may know that your passive aggressive tendencies are harmful, but it doesn’t mean you actually change those tendencies, just because you are aware of them. I used to be incredibly passive aggressive with my college boyfriend. I was very aware of it, but I had soooo much baggage, that I did it anyways. It took me seeing a therapist and really diving deep into my baggage and releasing a ton of junk, before I had any control over it.
Neither of you have done any kind of healing work, so the reality is, your relationship isn’t going to change much. You may be able to control your behavior for a period of time, but eventually your wounds (baggage) will leak back out again and you both will just continue to hurt each other. So if you TRULY are interested in changing, then you begin your path of healing. You educate yourself about what is sourcing your behaviors (basically opening up your baggage and seeing what is inside) and then working with someone to help you release bits at a time. Here are a few books you may resonate with: http://thefordinstitute.com/love-beyond-belief
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/There are a gazillion more books if these don’t interest you, so let me know.
I would suggest giving it a rest. I would suggest limited to no contact and then after doing some soul searching and learning about yourself, you can text him something like “Hey…I’ve been reading this book and I learned about why I am so passive-aggressive. I’ve never like this about myself, but I finally understand what is happening and now I can work on changing it. I am so so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of my wounds. You never deserved to be treated that way. I just wanted you to know that.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What do you think dating authentically actually means?
I think for you, and the place you are at, dating someone who is also dating other people, would not be healthy for you. You already have trouble knowing who you are and your value, separate from him. So when he is giving other women attention, when he is not available for you because he is out with someone else, when he cuts things off with you because he has found a woman he wants to settle down with…all of these things would be incredibly triggering for you. In order to be casual in a healthy way, BOTH people need to feel casual about each other. His feelings for you are casual. He is not attached to you in a strong way like you are attached to him, and therein lies the problem. You want to stay connected in hopes that he might change his mind, so yes…you ARE de-valuing yourself this way. You are willing to take breadcrumbs when that is not what you actually want. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh how funny that you found my site! I grew up with a narcissistic father and dated a ton of them! LOL. I also have narcissistic tendencies, so I’m highly aware of the textures and dynamics that are involved.
Thank goodness I grew up in the dating world BEFORE online dating. I got to know what it felt like to organically meet people and all that is required. Online dating is a whole different game and takes some serious self-esteem and skills.
I keep pointing you back to yourself and you keep coming back with wanting to use him to make you feel better.
So let me ask you this. Would you rather keep trying to fill that hole with this guy or would you like to actually heal the hole so you no longer depend on someone else to do it for you?
The 12 word text is just about asking him to help you with something…whatever you pick. The words don’t matter, it’s just about the concept. So you text saying something to the effect of, “I need your help with something.” Then when/if he texts you back, you let him know what you need help with. It could be anything from needing help moving something or asking for advice about something. It’s just a way to activate the natural instance in a man to want to help a woman. It can create an opportunity to connect and then you take it from there.
Heidi
reaching out with a lighthearted text in a month or so and seeing what happens? What are your thoughts on that? I am just not ready to move on from this completely right now, but willing to set it aside. I think it is a really good time for you to truly start to focus on yourself. How about not making any decisions right now except to work on your healing and connecting more deeply to what is happening for you and the hurt you feel.
I understand that you want to talk and connect with him again. It will make the hurt much less. But what if you could heal the hurt all on your own and you didn’t need him to do that for you? What if you could feel happy and complete, without him?
You guys have been together for a long time. It’s very easy to get comfortable and to know yourself through that other person. He has changed though. And he is triggering you all over the place and instead of taking responsibility for your own triggers, you are letting loose on him. This is not a healthy dynamic and nor is his “stringing you along” approach either. There is an underlying lack of respect between you guys. First and foremost, that needs to be healed – but within you first.
Here are some questions to think about. A basic, foundational principle about relationships is they are mirrors to us. So he is a mirror to you, reflecting to you different sides/angles to yourself. If he is “stringing you along” then that is reflective of an energy you carry within yourself. We teach others to treat us the same way we treat ourselves. So where in your life do you not commit to yourself? Where do you tend to not value or respect yourself? Where do you tend to be wishy washy with yourself? This is just a place to start.
The thing is, you want him back, only to continue the same cycle. The only way to do that, is for you to do some healing and strengthen your relationship with yourself first and foremost, so that you hold a different standard as to how you are treated.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Thank you for sharing this. I know how incredibly hard it can be to have such a strong connection and yet have such a volatile relationship. My relationship in college was that way. We were sooooo incredibly toxic and beautiful together at the same time. We broke up several times during our 3 years together. We so intensely loved each other and would keep coming back to each other, but we just couldn’t keep the peace.
Reality is, a relationship like yours doesn’t last. When there is that much arguing and betrayal, especially in such a short amount of time, it’s a sign of how much baggage you are both bringing into the relationship. Love and connection is far less powerful than the baggage that is in this relationship.
The very best thing you can do is to really look at how he is triggering you and your passive aggressive tendencies. He doesn’t want to keep fighting with you – and that is probably the healthiest choice he can make for himself. You are not healthy for him. He is not healthy for you. You trigger each other and neither of you are handling it in a healthy, respectful way.
You want him back? It wouldn’t be about trying to convince him, but instead, create a different relationship with him. It’s time for you to really face all the baggage you are carrying around. Is that something you are willing to do? He doesn’t want to step back into the same old patterns of divisiveness. Are you willing to look at how you are contributing to this and changing how you handle things?
Do you think he would be willing to do the same?Heidi
I just wanted to add, how do you balance giving space and not being forgotten? Let’s really look at this question. It identifies where you are giving your power away.
Someone who values themselves from the inside, would not be asking this question. You are putting your value in HIS hands. You don’t want to be forgotten by HIM. Instead, someone with a higher amount of self-love would say “It doesn’t matter whether he forgets me or not. I am valuable regardless.”
So really, there is no balance to create. It’s about turning your focus inward…onto yourself instead of onto him, to make you feel better. You are wanting HIM to do for you what you are not willing to do for yourself…which is find you valuable. So if he is making you valuable, you don’t feel valuable. If he remembers you, then you are valuable. If he forgets you, then you are not valuable. Do you see how this is giving away your power to him?
I really do struggle to see my value. I understand. I’ve been there. We all have been there. No matter how internally strong and healthy you become, you will still have moments where you struggle to see your value. So let’s talk about this more. How come you struggle with this? What is in the way of you knowing how truly great and loveable and wonderful you are?
Heidi
Whether people agree with it or not, there ARE things that are 100% TRUE! I agree! I misunderstood what you were saying before, so now it makes more sense what you meant.
They DO slow me down. They DO hurt. Sometimes i try to find out why i’m feeling it again. Most times, i’m too tired, and i just cry. I totally get this space. Sometimes crying is all that even needs to happen to just keep the emotions flowing somewhere. The truth eventually shows up when you are ready to receive it.
SO – i don’t support women standing together against men. Let’s just go back to some foundational concepts here. There are a gazillion women who have been harmed and manipulated by men. There are a gazillion men who have been harmed and manipulated by women. So…since you seem to be more forgiving towards men in general, are you willing to forgive the women who behave in a harmful way as well? Are you willing to maybe take the energy and passion you have to “defend the people being attacked” and instead defend the energy? By that I mean, instead of defending men, what about defending against the victim mentality or defending against the energy of attacking or defending against the energy of judgment or defending against the energy of divisiveness. If you are defending a specific energy and fighting to uphold a certain standard as to how we treat each other, then you are not just defending men or the “weak,” you are speaking up against an energy that is harmful, no matter male, female, child etc. You instead place your attention on ALL people, no matter the race, gender, age etc. and you counteract divisive, harmful energies with the truth and higher vibrational actions and words. Is this something you are willing to do? Or are you just wanting to continue to paint negative pictures of women, Indians and Ethiopians? Every trait that you struggle with in these groups of people exists in ALL of us in some variation, right?
I Don’t know WHAT to call this kind of mindset! It’s so bloody brilliant, but it also keeps her forever in a situation of collecting handouts. I guess it works for her, so it’s all good, right? There are definitely consequences to living at this vibration and mentality. It makes me so sad. I understand she is just figuring out her own way of surviving. She will never get to feel the truest beauty of a flower, or the brilliance of the sun, or the power of her breath. She functions at such low vibrations that she misses so much. But I suppose this is where ignorance is bliss, right? She has no idea what she is missing out on.
Men and women lead in different ways and in different areas. RELATIONSHIPS are where women lead. So when relationships go belly up, the woman is most responsible. Because women KNOW stuff! Men lead in the world that requires performance and precision and focused goals. I know PLENTY of women who are incredible in performance, precision and focused goals and plenty of men who are incredible in leading relationships. Just FYI, when a relationship goes belly up, science shows that men are mostly the ones responsible. Regardless, these qualities you mention are much more based on personality types and NOT gender. You are pigeonholing both men and women by making these generalized sweeping statements. We ALL have both male and female energy in us, right? So the male energy that is about performance and precision can easily exist in a woman. And the female energy that is about relationships can exist in a man. There are industry leaders, both male and female, that coach about business/performance as well as dating/relationships. Do you see something different?
Patriarchy is like the skeletal system of the society. Matriarchy is like the muscular system. They both provide form and movement AND protection for vital organs So beautifully said! You are such a great teacher! Me, being a trainer, I appreciate this analogy a lot! I love it!
Heidi
Of course you wish it could be him. You’ve had a few great experiences with him and you want that to continue.
Here is the truth. You actually don’t know that he is THAT great. You guys have had a few great dates, but you have NO CLUE what he is like when he is angry or hurt. You have no clue what his dark side looks like and feels like. You have no clue if you guys have enough in common to create a really great life together. All of those things get exposed over time. You are taking a few fun dates and turning him into this “perfect guy” for you and a guy you really want to invest with and you barely know him.
Again…if you had every single guy treating you super well and this was your norm…I wonder if there would be anything special about this guy. This is obviously not a question you can answer. My point is, I’m guessing that you are wanting to really attach to this guy because you were in a desert for sooooooo long being married to a narcissist. This guy feels like a rainforest to you in comparison. That difference, in and of itself, would make most women want to attach and be in the rainforest because it feels so dam good. This is not the truth though. It FEELS very real and it FEELS amazing, but it’s far from the true picture of who he really is.
Your heart is sacred. Your body is sacred. Any man who comes into your life needs to EARN the right to experience you. You are just handing over all of you, right away, without having any idea of who this guy REALLY is. This tells me you are not quite in the place yet of TRULY knowing your own value. Someone who knows their value, is able to enjoy a new person, but also watching and observing the person, to see if they are a good/healthy fit for them. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie! We are glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Let’s see if we can unpack what is happening for you. It sounds like you go really attached to him quite quickly. Having been married to a narcissist for so long, it’s no surprise you attached yourself to a guy who treated you incredibly well, even if it was only for a few dates. What if…EVERY SINGLE guy treated you like this. What is how he treated you was your “normal.” You wouldn’t be as smitten and you wouldn’t have attached so easily and you would be able to keep a more grounded perspective about who he is.
He has some very specific needs that unfortunately do not line up with you and your life. He is being very kind by being honest right from the beginning about his needs and he is honoring himself, and you, by keeping it casual. My suggestion is to take this wonderful experience and make it your new standard. Do not accept being treated anything less than what this guy did for you. He gave you some great experiences and now you know it’s possible. Let him be your teacher instead of attaching yourself to him being “the one” and let this guy go.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
people like Jordan Peterson – beat it to a pulp and see if it still stands…! Haha! I remember you saying this before and it made me laugh then and still does. I love this!
It’s interesting to me that you seem to think a protective energy is a wounded energy. I actually do not think this as a whole. It’s a case by case basis. Protective energy is both powerful / needed and it also can be harmful or wounded or victimizing. It just depends on where the energy is coming from. That’s how I view everything I suppose. It’s not about the action/behavior/words…it’s all about the energy sourcing those things that will connect you to the truth/intent of that person. It’s no different than money. Money can destroy or heal, depending on the person using it and their intent.
I believe that when things are beaten down to their core, we WILL find a foundation that is true for everyone, because it is as real as the sunrise and the sunset. Interesting! How come? Where is there ANY evidence of such a thing existing for humanity that would make you believe this? If anything, I have found quite the opposite. The deeper I explore, the more variations to perspectives and “truths” show up. The more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing. I have not yet come across a single thing, on the face of this planet, that 100% of people can agree upon.
But, i think, with you, the issue is the fact that you can’t hear my voice. I can understand the ‘flavor of hate’. It’s the words i’m using. How else can i state that she was emotionally not strong enough to support me? You say it just like that actually. There is a difference between saying “she was not emotionally strong enough to support me” vs. “my mother is weak.” Do you feel the difference in these 2 sentences? Maybe to you, you feel exactly the same, no matter which sentence you say. As an observer (over technology of course, which is so limited) those 2 sentences read very differently. so I’m poking holes and being reflective…that’s all.
I wonder if there are some wounds that are SO EXTREMELY deep that you cannot pull them out without killing the person? Like severely addicted people who cannot be detoxed without killing them? What an interesting question! I’ve never thought about this before. I do know for a fact, there are some specific types of wounds/programs that can kill a person if you remove the programming too quickly. There definitely are certain types of programs that require a very delicate / skilled healer to help undo it. But in general, I personally believe (just because it makes me feel better to believe this than not to believe this) that if it’s possible to wound a soul so deeply, there is also the possibility to heal that deeply. I guess I cannot imagine a creator that would create a problem that wasn’t solvable/fixable/healable.
Only because men aren’t allowed to defend themselves anymore. Have you noticed that when a woman cries out, other women gather around her, and support her and scream with her? When a wounded man cries out, nobody comes to his defense, especially if his fight is with a woman. Men are in a lose-lose situation more often than not. Yes, I absolutely see this happening. But we could go to the other perspective here as well that exists everywhere…men created this. Men have abused/used/raped/manipulated women for decades. Men are running this country and have suppressed women over and over and over again, through various forms of power. So if this perspective exists, would you not say that it’s pretty reasonable for women to stand up together? There are a gazillion lose-lose situations women have had to face against men as well, both privately and publicly. My point being, BOTH collective perspectives come from hundreds and hundreds of experiences and both perspectives have truth and lies in them. One is not more right than the other. Both perspectives are full of pain and hurt and both perspectives need to be healed. Just looking at history in general, certain parts of Europe, during the middle ages, were run by the matriarchy and they did some damage as well as good too. So historically, it generally looks like men and women have taken turns messing things up and fixing things…all according to their perspectives. I wonder if we will ever be lead by both men and women.
All the people in this forum are women voicing their pain about men, right? IS there one for men to voice their pain about women? If there IS one, will men use it? None of the men that i know would! Men are like dogs – they’ll go hide someplace and lick their wounds and hope they heal. But it’s also not socially acceptable for men to spill their guts Oh my goodness yes there is! I used to work with only men. I have such a heart for them trying to figure us ladies out. They get so confused! LOL. There are PLENTY of men who spill their guts and who react EXACTLY as women do. I grew up with men as well and was always “one of the guys.” I was constantly surrounded by guys and believe me…they are just as gossipy, whiney, confused and manipulative as women are.
I’m sure there’s a few more. But, i tend to speak in support of whoever isn’t being listened to. At this time, it’s going to mostly be white folks, men, and maybe any rich person who is being vilified for no reason. i look for the good in those who are being beaten up. And i speak up for that good. OMG! I cracked up at this part….so true! I see those same exact patterns and I’m sure over a few cups of coffee, between the 2 of us, we could come up with a mile-long list of these and no doubt have some good laughs about all of it!
SO, what i see is — Patriarchy and Matriarchy COEXIST. Patriarchy can only succeed with Matriarchy by it’s side. The way they complement each other is in their functions – the Patriarchy sets the standards for performance and the Matriarchy sets the standards for behavior. This is why they need each other. In the arena of work – performance is extremely important – because the lives of people could depend on it. So precision and skill is necessary. In the area of relationships, behavior is extremely important and the way you treat people determines your social belonging. Beautifully said! I believe that whether in a male or female or whatever form you claim to be, if you lead with the heart and support your love/passion/kindness for others with high standards, productivity, precision etc. then the system would be unstoppable! In my circles, it’s always supported and claimed to “…..ask for the highest good of all.”
Heidi
people like Jordan Peterson – beat it to a pulp and see if it still stands…! Haha! I remember you saying this before and it made me laugh then and still does. I love this!
It’s interesting to me that you seem to think a protective energy is a wounded energy. I actually do not think this as a whole. It’s a case by case basis. Protective energy is both powerful / needed and it also can be harmful or wounded or victimizing. It just depends on where the energy is coming from. That’s how I view everything I suppose. It’s not about the action/behavior/words…it’s all about the energy sourcing those things that will connect you to the truth/intent of that person. It’s no different than money. Money can destroy or heal, depending on the person using it and their intent.
I believe that when things are beaten down to their core, we WILL find a foundation that is true for everyone, because it is as real as the sunrise and the sunset. Interesting! How come? Where is there ANY evidence of such a thing existing for humanity that would make you believe this? If anything, I have found quite the opposite. The deeper I explore, the more variations to perspectives and “truths” show up. The more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing. I have not yet come across a single thing, on the face of this planet, that 100% of people can agree upon.
But, i think, with you, the issue is the fact that you can’t hear my voice. I can understand the ‘flavor of hate’. It’s the words i’m using. How else can i state that she was emotionally not strong enough to support me? You say it just like that actually. There is a difference between saying “she was not emotionally strong enough to support me” vs. “my mother is weak.” Do you feel the difference in these 2 sentences? Maybe to you, you feel exactly the same, no matter which sentence you say. As an observer (over technology of course, which is so limited) those 2 sentences read very differently. so I’m poking holes and being reflective…that’s all.
I wonder if there are some wounds that are SO EXTREMELY deep that you cannot pull them out without killing the person? Like severely addicted people who cannot be detoxed without killing them? What an interesting question! I’ve never thought about this before. I do know for a fact, there are some specific types of wounds/programs that can kill a person if you remove the programming too quickly. There definitely are certain types of programs that require a very delicate / skilled healer to help undo it. But in general, I personally believe (just because it makes me feel better to believe this than not to believe this) that if it’s possible to wound a soul so deeply, there is also the possibility to heal that deeply. I guess I cannot imagine a creator that would create a problem that wasn’t solvable/fixable/healable.
Only because men aren’t allowed to defend themselves anymore. Have you noticed that when a woman cries out, other women gather around her, and support her and scream with her? When a wounded man cries out, nobody comes to his defense, especially if his fight is with a woman. Men are in a lose-lose situation more often than not. Yes, I absolutely see this happening. But we could go to the other perspective here as well that exists everywhere…men created this. Men have abused/used/raped/manipulated women for decades. Men are running this country and have suppressed women over and over and over again, through various forms of power. So if this perspective exists, would you not say that it’s pretty reasonable for women to stand up together? There are a gazillion lose-lose situations women have had to face against men as well, both privately and publicly. My point being, BOTH collective perspectives come from hundreds and hundreds of experiences and both perspectives have truth and lies in them. One is not more right than the other. Both perspectives are full of pain and hurt and both perspectives need to be healed. Just looking at history in general, certain parts of Europe, during the middle ages, were run by the matriarchy and they did some damage as well as good too. So historically, it generally looks like men and women have taken turns messing things up and fixing things…all according to their perspectives. I wonder if we will ever be lead by both men and women.
All the people in this forum are women voicing their pain about men, right? IS there one for men to voice their pain about women? If there IS one, will men use it? None of the men that i know would! Men are like dogs – they’ll go hide someplace and lick their wounds and hope they heal. But it’s also not socially acceptable for men to spill their guts Oh my goodness yes there is! I used to work with only men. I have such a heart for them trying to figure us ladies out. They get so confused! LOL. There are PLENTY of men who spill their guts and who react EXACTLY as women do. I grew up with men as well and was always “one of the guys.” I was constantly surrounded by guys and believe me…they are just as gossipy, whiney, confused and manipulative as women are.
I’m sure there’s a few more. But, i tend to speak in support of whoever isn’t being listened to. At this time, it’s going to mostly be white folks, men, and maybe any rich person who is being vilified for no reason. i look for the good in those who are being beaten up. And i speak up for that good. OMG! I cracked up at this part….so true! I see those same exact patterns and I’m sure over a few cups of coffee, between the 2 of us, we could come up with a mile-long list of these and no doubt have some good laughs about all of it!
SO, what i see is — Patriarchy and Matriarchy COEXIST. Patriarchy can only succeed with Matriarchy by it’s side. The way they complement each other is in their functions – the Patriarchy sets the standards for performance and the Matriarchy sets the standards for behavior. This is why they need each other. In the arena of work – performance is extremely important – because the lives of people could depend on it. So precision and skill is necessary. In the area of relationships, behavior is extremely important and the way you treat people determines your social belonging. Beautifully said! I believe that whether in a male or female or whatever form you claim to be, if you lead with the heart and support your love/passion/kindness for others with high standards, productivity, precision etc. then the system would be unstoppable! In my circles, it’s always supported and claimed to “…..ask for the highest good of all.”
Heidi
That’s also why i feel like my POV is being devalued when you say it’s just mine. YES, it is ABSOLUTELY mine! But not because i haven’t given due consideration to how everybody else sees the flowers in the vase. I can see why you would feel that I am devaluing your POV by saying that. Let’s clear that up! So now, when i am finally able to respect myself enough to stand by what i see, This is your truth – as it should be! You are absolutely spot on in that you are someone who explores your life and points of view. You don’t take things at face value, you listen to other possibilities and you do travel around the vase to see what else is going on. You are definitely awake enough to know there are even other sides to the vase…which that in and of itself, makes you an above average person. It takes great strength to travel around the vase! I have a lot of respect for you because you are a seeker of your truth. In my mind, your POV is worth listening to and is valuable because it’s valuable to you! I know that whatever beliefs you have, are worth listening to and do have value because of the kind of person you are. I, like you, am a seeker. I guess I hold my own beliefs very lightly, just like I hold everyone else’s. I absolutely do have some very solid beliefs that I live by and are part of the fabric of my being. At the same exact time, I also KNOW that whatever it is that I believe, regardless of how many times I have traveled around the vase and observed and listened and asked questions etc. – it still is just my POV therefore it’s true only for me. My POV is definitely more expanded than most people, therefore has a lot of flexibility, a lot of reasoning and education, a lot of research behind it – therefore it’s a more educated POV. That’s how I view yours as well. It’s more educated than most, therefore I will poke holes in your beliefs because I know you can take it and I know you are interested. You will reject or accept the holes I attempt to poke in it and move on….which is exactly what an internally strong person should do. So hopefully this explains my perspective a bit better. I hope it helps you feel like I am not devaluing you. I am speaking a truth that you already know of, that everyone’s POV is always limited in one way or another, but in my mind, it doesn’t make our POV any less valuable. Does this make sense?
I’ve been learning that we create our own realities. is this only applicable to me? This is such a loaded topic! LOL. We could probably talk for hours and hours about this philosophy. My only point in making that statement was that it was a collective perspective and a common experience for women. You said a few posts back “Also, from what i have seen, MEN live more from their hearts than women do. That is why they are generally more straightforward in the way the speak and the way they live their lives. They cannot tolerate discomfort, because they are true to themselves and their values. They know their boundaries, because their very gut reactions are connected to their hearts.” You were getting into your “protective” energy towards men, so I was just showing another, very common, perspective. That’s all.
I LOVE your analogy of you being a vessel and water flowing through you! That is such a great picture and communicates really well what you are trying to portray! I’m so glad that you are having these experiences of healing as you feel the water flow through you. You are noticing how things that were emotionally charged, are no longer there anymore. Isn’t that fantastic??? It’s the best feeling in the entire world! You sure work hard for it too Vino. You are always doing such great work with yourself and you are so diligent about it – and you are getting to feel what healing can do.
What you said here, truly surprised me. WHY should there be a hatred in the wounded places? I just say that because it’s pretty normal and common. Maybe you are the exception – as there always is that possibility. As someone who works with people’s wounds very deeply, myself included, there is always a flavor of hate – and most of the time, it’s NOT conscious. I can usually tell it lives very deep inside, because I can feel its presence through how someone talks, the tone of someone and some of it I can’t explain because it’s my intuition picking up on signals I am not consciously aware of. I’m always willing to be wrong though. For example, when you say things like this (and you often do): Not distrust because she is a bad person, but distrust because she is a WEAK person. Calling her WEAK has a wounded flavor to it and how you say it (as well as how you have mentioned this word in the past), there is a flavor of hatred here – not FULL hatred, but just a flavor – from my perspective of course. I could be wrong too. I will say that it’s incredibly hard to really get a sense about things through technology and only writing.
I agree that energies are neutral. And if they got labelled as male and female somewhere along the way, then it was wrong. And there’s no need to continue doing so because it perpetuates the stereotype that men aren’t naturally caring and loving and nurturing, that men don’t live from their hearts, that masculinity is toxic and all these lies and ugliness being attached to anything masculine. it perpetuates the lie that a feminine energy is somehow better and more authentic and from the heart rather than the mind. I totally Hate, Hate, HATE how masculinity is vilified. This perspective has truth in it. This absolutely happens and I won’t argue that at all. It’s also a very wounded perspective. The fact that you feel you have to defend men in the first place, comes from wounded energy. The fact that you are defending only one side, comes from wounded energy. This perspective is true for ALL HUMANS. There are very ugly perspectives for men AND women, but you only make it true for men.
Their inability to multitask is because they are living WHOLEHEARTEDLY and they focus on the one task at hand. Their ability to compartmentalize is natural, and it’s also from the heart! It allows them to not drag the problems of one area into another, so they are able to give their best to whichever area they are focusing on at the moment. This is a heart action, not a mind action. This too is also true for BOTH men and women. I know you feel a natural, inherent distrust towards women and I know you do not feel hatred towards them. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. We are so deep Vino, most people have no clue. Although I have traveled deeper into myself than most even know exists, I also know there are places in me I still have yet to discover. I know I am limitless in my depth, therefore I will never reach an “end.” I know I still carry hatred in me. Not because I actually feel it, but because it leaks out in certain behaviors and programs that are still running in me. I still will come back to this though…I could be entirely wrong about how you feel deep inside and I should be better about how I communicate what I am saying. I speak sometimes as if I am an authority on woundedness, and although I have many years being in relationship with mine and other’s woundedness, it doesn’t mean you fall into the same patterns. Regardless, when and if you ever connect to those depths within you, whatever will be revealed in that time, is all you need to be aware of anyways. Our systems are brilliant like that. We learn EXACTLY what we need to learn about ourselves in each moment that we are ready to embrace it.Heidi
Cherisse, you don’t have to figure things out alone. I’m guessing you are used to doing everything alone. Maybe allow us in a little more? We are more than happy to go on a journey of self-discovery WITH you. We are guides to helping you know yourself and also helping with certain skills and perspectives. So maybe just come on here and write what you are confused about. It doesn’t have to even make sense. Spyce and I are very good at helping people get more clear about what’s happening. We are objective and have a lot of knowledge and heart wisdom to share.
So….what are you confused about?
Heidi
well done Emilie! I love that you used your voice and spoke up about it. I can be that same way where I don’t say anything. It’s called being the “martyr” and though at times it’s helpful and necessary, it’s not a healthy way to live. I did a lot of work with my voice/throat chakra these past 5 months and I’m consciously choosing to speak up sooooo much more – even about small things like what you did. One area I have no been so good at is asking people to pick up their dog poop! LOL. I am at the dog park so frequently and see people miss their dog pooping and sometimes purposefully not pick it up. I tend to be the martyr and go pick it up for them. Last year, I was trying to use my voice more and asked a woman to pick up her dog’s poop as he was pooping right near the entrance and she was watching it. She was on the phone talking and went from 0-100. She started yelling at me that “it was water!!!!” (her dog had some diahrrea, but there was still plenty to pick up) and that it was none of my business. I eventually ended up picking it up anyway and walked away feeling soooooo gross by her nasty energy sliming me. It was worth it to get yelled at, so I clammed back up. Time to open up again. I did a lot of healing work a few months ago and KNEW I was going to have the opportunity again…and a few weeks back, I did. I let a woman know her dog was pooping (he was walking behind her and she didn’t see it) and she was the SWEETEST woman in the whole world. She was so sorry and thanked me over and over for not judging her and being mean about it. LOL. I thanked her for caring and told her about my last experience a year ago and appreciated her for helping me heal.
There was something I came across that helped me a lot in using my voice…maybe it will help you. When I use my voice, I have to know what I am in service to. I used to focus on the person, but now I focus on the energy I want to support. When I ask someone to pick up the dog poop, I am in service to the earth staying clean and healthy. I am in service to the energy of kindness. For me, when I put my attention on being in service to an energy vs. “holding someone accountable” it feels, for me, like a much higher frequency that opens me up. When you said something to him about the 15th, you were in service to the energy of integrity. Just something to think about.
Heidi
