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Hi Dominique
Welcome! I know you feel lost and don’t know how to create resolution. I know it hurts and all you want is to re-connect with him and do things differently. It sounds like he just feels powerless with you. It sounds like all the hurt and challenges you are dealing with, with 2 different dads, is A LOT to handle and triggers you frequently, which then ends up triggering your boyfriend and probably exhausting him. It’s like he is constantly having to deal with other people’s problems instead of having a peaceful and easy connection with him that is HIS design. Am I understanding this correctly?
I understand him wanting to create some space and find some peace and ease. I’m also glad to hear he would be interested in coming back if the circumstances changed. Do you have any idea what that means for him? I know you guys are not talking, but maybe this was brought up as to what he actually wants/needs.
I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Is it helping? Are you finding different ways to communicate, different ways to handle co-parenting, different perspectives?? Are YOU finding more peace in your life? Because I think that will be the key to getting him back. When YOU are more peaceful and at ease, he gets to have the best of you, instead of the miserable you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I keep remembering him calling my “future wife” and feel a bit sorry for myself as well as quite stupid for believing … I don’t think I will be able to believe again so this has definitely shaped me First, I want to say this…DON’T YOU DARE LET THIS MAN STEAL YOUR BELIEF OF WHAT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU!!! Yes, he hurt you. Choose to forgive and choose to fight for more than your life than believe in YOURSELF. I’ve been harmed by men countless times over the years. Whether they gifted me with a broken heart or the men that abused me my entire childhood – I WILL NEVER GIVE UP in reclaiming my divine right to feel love – and not just any love, but a POWERFUL love that will help me continue to heal but also help heal others. This guy is giving you the greatest gift. He is helping to wake you up to yourself, helping you to explore your viewpoint of love and what it means to you, challenging your thought processes, giving you an opportunity for healing (not just from him, but your past as well) and so much more. I know it hurts AND you can heal and when you heal, you will be more than who you were before you met him. That’s TRUE healing. If you shut down and give up, that’s not healing – that’s just quitting on yourself and burying all the hurt – and then you are really no different than this guy who has a mountain of buried pain that ended up hurting you deeply. Choose to be different. Choose to face yourself. Choose to explore your feelings and have COMPASSION for yourself, not judgment for believing that you meant more to him than you really did. He fooled you and we are ALL foolable.
Is it just fate / luck or is there something I’m completely lacking to be able to demand this from a man First, when you find the right guy, there is no demanding needed. Your connection with each other will be effortless and you both will choose growth and move together in the same direction for however long it lasts….maybe forever, maybe not. Again, there are no guarantees. But there are things you can pay attention to that will give you better odds to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship. We can talk about what to look for, but first and foremost, you need to connect more deeply with yourself and get to know yourself better. You can only know someone else to the extent that you know yourself. I’ll use myself as an example. Having grown up with years of abuse (all kinds), I had to also go through years of pretty intense therapy. Because I know myself very deeply and am incredibly sensitive to myself, my subconscious patterns and thoughts that creep in and how I feel about myself, I am also able to instantly pick up on who someone else is. I, of course, do not know the details of someone, but I can FEEL a person’s insecurities, their limitations, their fears, when they are being authentic vs. playing a game and so much more. It would be quite the feat for someone to fool me, but it CAN be done, despite all that I know because I am human. This means that the people that are allowed into my life are top notch. They are aware, they are emotionally available, they grow, they communicate, they ADD TO my life and they approach their life in a similar way that I approach mine. I would not have this kind of quality in my life if I didn’t know myself very well and if I didn’t choose to release all the pain and hurt and make room for love to come in. This is a choice point for you. You CAN bury how you feel and eventually it won’t hurt anymore for the most part, but that pain will resurface again in another relationship and will sabotage any connection you are trying to make. This, I guarantee. Or, you can decide to take back your power and embrace the hurt, learn from it and then transform it into self love. You cannot ask something from a man that you are not willing to do for yourself. So you want a man to commit to you, treat you like gold, love and connect with you deeply, see and know your value, fight for you….well it starts with you treating yourself that way first.
Look, I understand how you feel and it’s natural. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be feeling all of this, I’m saying feel EVERYTHING and work WITH it and give it life instead of burying it and shutting yourself down. YOU ARE SO MUCH GREATER THAN THIS PAIN!!! Find a coach, a book, a program or something to help guide you through this. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
I love that you are having a team BBQ soon and that you get to meet everyone. Your social circle is going to hopefully expand more. That’s so interesting how all of their holidays are all smushed together. I hope you get to go to the national park. I know it will deeply feed your soul.
How is Trevor doing? Is he still thinking about coming out and maybe getting a job or something?
Heidi
I know you have been confused and hurt by this whole situation. How are you doing about all of it? I’ve mentioned a lot of different perspectives, but you haven’t really commented on any of them. Any thoughts? Is what I am saying helpful? Or maybe not? How do you plan on moving forward?
Heidi
It sounds like although you are not a fan of Holland, you are being sourced enough to feel some level of excitement and joy about your life. I love that you came across some bird nests! Yes! If you post on Facebook, I’ll be able to see. You seriously take amazing pictures! I still look at the ones you sent me.
When is your kayak trip? I think it’s this weekend, right? Are you getting connected to any other groups?
As far as the guys, I’m glad you are at least enjoying them. Who knows where any of it will lead, but it’s no mistake you are where you are. I’m curious to see how things develop. Are you able to get out and exercise? How is the food there?
Heidi
I understand he is the one reaching out and wanting to talk with you. It sounds like you both really love talking to each other. How come you guys broke up in the first place? Would you mind sharing how it happened? Was it your decision or his? Does he know how you feel and that you want to get back together?
Heidi
I suggest letting him know you need your things back. Ask him to pack it all up and you will come by with a friend and pick it up at an arranged upon time. He can also leave things somewhere by his place that will allow you to pick your stuff up without running into him. Either way, make arrangements to NOT see him, but if you do, have a friend with you.
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
I must say that I have lost any faith or belief in relationships . I am far better investing only in myself Let’s talk about this a bit. First, you shouldn’t have faith in relationships. That is NOT where it belongs. It belongs in yourself first and foremost.
Whenever someone says “forever” or anything to that flavor, know and understand that it feels true for them in that moment, but that’s about as long as it’s good for. Life happens and can shift someone’s feelings in a matter of seconds. The same is true for you and it’s just the reality for ANY relationship. It’s very sobering, isn’t it? So how do we move forward knowing that love is completely unpredictable?
Trust. Trust in yourself. And by that I mean no matter what anyone else does or chooses, you TRUST in yourself that you will be able to handle whatever shows up each day. This is about resilience. If you do not trust that you are resilient and have the ability to work through ANYTHING that happens in your life, then you are right…spending time investing in yourself is a good idea. When you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can heal a broken heart, then it allows you to feel safe, within yourself, to risk falling in love. So whenever fear shows up for me, and it always does and always will, I remedy it by saying “I see you, I hear you, I feel you AND I know that even if this guy crushes your heart, you know how to heal. You are strong, you are incredibly resilient, you resourceful, you have infinite resources to support you and you will be okay.” My inner strength and trust in myself is what allows me to take risks with my heart. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t have caution and give credibility to any fears that come up, but bottom line is, I’m always aware that whomever I invite into my life may choose to stay or go and that is their right and I trust what is within them to do what’s best for themselves. And I trust what is within me to handle whatever shows up. I know how to heal, I know how to forgive, I know how to process very quickly and I know I will be okay.
I want to invite you into exploring what is within you. Where are you not trusting yourself and why? What is missing and how can you remedy that?
Heidi
Hi Krista,
It sounds like you are not very clear. You say whatever happens, happens and at the same time you say you never got over him (after 5 years) and that you want more attention from him. There is a flavor when you explain things, that part of you giving him money means you expect to paid attention to. This is where the money can really make things quick mucky. So it’s important for YOU to be clear for yourself. Is the money part of a way that you are able to keep him connected to you and feel valuable in his life? It sounds like if you took money out the equation, you don’t necessarily trust that he would continue talking to you. So instead, you want to play these “games” and test him by delaying funds for a few days to see if he responds. You need more clarity within yourself.
So the first thing is, YOU need to get clear about what you want with him and from him. You said you want more attention and effort and you don’t want to pressure him because he has 2 jobs and little time. Let’s get real here. If a guy REALLY wants to spend time with a woman, he will find a way. From what you are telling me, it sounds like this guy is staying connected to the level that keeps the money coming in. So if you want a REAL relationship with him, take money out of the equation. Most likely he will become increasingly stressed and undoubtedly become less and less available for a connection with you, or any other girl for that matter. If you want to continue giving him money, then take the romance part out of the equation. Just give him money and don’t expect much from him. Take your romantic feelings out of it and re-direct them towards dating again and finding someone else. What is NOT working is you having romantic feelings for a guy you are giving money to. That is NOT a healthy equation for either of you. So BEFORE you do anything, decide what you want.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I’m a little confused. You started dating this man while he still had a girlfriend. Then 6 months into dating him, they broke up, you guys stayed together for a while (a year?) and now he has a new girl he is seeing and you guys have broken up? Am I understanding this correctly?
And you guys keep talking, but never see each other?I’m curious, what keeps you connected to a man who isn’t really invested in you? It sounds like you have a strong connection with him, but I’m not sure he feels the same way. It sounds like he has a pattern of jumping from one woman to the next. He bonds strongly and is in relationship with them until the next woman that peaks his interest comes along. Would you say this is an accurate description?
Heidi
So I can not logically understand this shift which doesn’t have any apparent triggers I understand your need to make sense of this. It’s our mind’s way of trying to alleviate the pain. When something doesn’t make sense, it activates powerlessness and that is DEFINITELY not something any of us wants to feel. So if we can at least understand “why” something happened and make sense of it, it gives us a sense of direction and we learn how we can be better in the future or we are able to unhinge ourselves from feeling responsible for what happened. When we don’t know, we feel directionless, we don’t know how to fix things and we are directionless – again…that’s powerlessness. I’d like to invite you into viewing this a bit differently. I can tell you, from years of experience, there is going to be a lot more of the “I don’t understand” when it comes to dating. There have been a gazillion times I’ve been ghosted, shocked, fooled etc. and you know what? I’m thankful. Because now, I don’t HAVE to know to find my peace. This last guy I told you about, I have NO CLUE why he just all of a sudden cut things off. No conversation, no expressed feelings, nada – pure silence. I have educated guesses as to what happened, but I will never understand his exact thoughts and feelings about anything. Of course I spent some time feeling like you did, but I quickly stopped myself and instead focused on me. His reasons do not matter. What matters is his behavior and his behavior reflects the kind of person I do NOT want to be in relationship with. That’s it. End of story. That’s where it stops. Knowing “why” doesn’t change that fact. Understanding him does NOT change that his actions are not okay for me. So what’s the point of spending any more of your energy trying to understand this guy? It does not change what is happening right now. You can find your peace in taking all of that energy and focusing on yourself, your standards and saying NO to his behaviors and how he handled things. It’s not okay and that’s all you need to know. Does this make sense?
I am 49 and he is 60 so we are supposed to be stable people. Right??? I get this thought process, however it’s rarely true. People at this age might be more stable on the outside having a home, a job etc., but if someone has not done their emotional clearing work, they have an incredible amount of baggage. Think about it…the older you get, the more stuff just keeps piling up. It’s the older people who are less happy, have less energy, are less resilient and more rigid than all the young kids. Why? Because they have gone through life ignoring their feelings, shoving things down and their emotional system has just become a dump site. That’s why it’s crucial to keep working with your baggage all the time, so you keep yourself clear, open and available for a higher functioning connection.
I honestly thought 100% this was it as he repeatedly confirmed to me that I am THE ONE …how cynical… Many people fall into this trap as well. There is no such thing as “the one.” You are “the one” for right now and that’s the only part that is true. It’s true for everyone. All that means is that the spotlight of his heart is shining on you, but it also means there is not guarantee of how long that will last. Love is such an incredible risk because of this. What determines how long that light shines on you and yours on him, is about the baggage we carry combined with life events. Relationships are work and some people are just not willing to do their own internal work to support the sustainability and success of a relationship. Be patient with yourself. You wanted to fall in love “forever” and believed it was possible with this guy and that’s okay! We all have done it! Now it’s time to get more connected to yourself, learn from your experience and love yourself even more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alli,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. I know how hard it can be to watch your person slip through your fingers. It’s a very powerless feeling and can definitely activate anger. My guess is, you have a lot of experience with this in your life.
First, it’s important to understand that he is going through A LOT right now. Women have a hard time understanding why men tend to disconnect when their work is falling apart. For men, their ability to produce in this world, is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing for them. When this falls apart, their entire identity starts to fall apart. They lose themselves. For women, it’s all about connection and relationship. This is the most important part of our lives. When our relationships fall apart, we start to fall apart. This is one of the biggest differences between men and women. That’s why relationships will break when the man starts to break. A woman can lose her job and go through the same situation as their guy, yet find comfort and support IN the relationship very easily. For a man, when his job starts to fall apart, they mostly just think about feeling like a failure and not able to be the kind of “man” that a woman deserves and the relationship feels more like a burden and not like support. You did the very typical and normal thing most women do of wanting more emotion and connection from him as he is pulling away and wanting to focus on work. And round and round it goes…this cycle of the guy getting triggered by work failure so he pulls away his connection to try and survive – which then triggers the woman in feeling the failed relationship and her trying to pull him back in. Do you see the cycle?
Have you ever asked him how he WANTS support? You yelling at him and fighting with him is just communicating that he is a failure in making you happy ON TOP of him already feeling like a failure at work. It’s too much for any person to take. So my first suggestion is for you to start to learn how to communicate with him differently. What does HE need? How can you inspire that from him?
I would also suggest taking alcohol out of the equation. It can cause harm and break trust and safety between you guys when you drink and then yell at him. I’m not sure how frequently you have done this and I don’t know your relationship with alcohol, but I can tell you that as long as it’s involved when you are being emotional, you will never get him back in the way that you truly want – which is open and connective, right? He will only keep viewing you as something else he has to manage in his life and you don’t want that. You want his respect and you want him to feel safe with you. When you are constantly complaining that he is not doing or being enough, he will not want to keep connecting.
Are you willing to talk about what is happening within you? The way you talk about this situation, there is a lot of anger and hurt in there and it’s the type of anger and hurt that has been there a looooong time and he is just triggering it, not the cause of it. Do you understand where this hurt and anger are coming from? Have you had to deal with a lot of rejection or abandonment? With your parents? With your past boyfriends? With past friends?
If you want him back, your best chance is really about connecting more deeply with yourself. In ANY relationship, there will be MANY moments where he will not be there for you, so it’s CRUCIAL that you know how to be there for yourself. It is not HIS responsibility to make sure you are fundamentally happy and nourished…that’s your responsibility. Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Krista!
I LOVE your Pheonix picture! It’s gorgeous!
You’ve been going through a lot. I’m sorry he is not responding to you in the way that you are needing. I’m curious what his response was.
I want to slow you down a bit. You were building up this whole story in your mind about what was happening between you guys and what he was doing and why. The thing is, you never once had a conversation with him about it. You were not being honest about how you felt, all the while you are getting more and more upset and hurt. You are getting mad at him for not being honest and available, yet you were not open and honest with him. And then all of a sudden you cut off the connection. All that is happening here is that neither of you is talking about what REALLY needs to be talked about. And then there is the mix of money in this situation. He is naturally going to have some feelings about this and whatever they are, they are going to influence how he relates to you. Most people would not be fully transparent and honest towards someone giving them money to survive their life. He is going to be, at the very least, respectful and appreciative. Everything else can muck up you continuing to give him money. So the fact that money is involved, whether you realize it or not, it changes the dynamics of how you both relate to each other.
I’m curious, why did you guys break up in the first place? You said you caught feelings for him again. Do you think that whatever caused the breakup in the first place, changed? You may have feelings again, but that doesn’t mean you should get back together. If anything, it means that it’s best to takes things SLOWLY to make sure it’s really a good fit.
Thoughts?
Heidi
